<span class="sdata" title="21"></span> <span class="sdata" title="08, 2017"></span>

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Your Definitive Guide

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2017-08-20T16:33:13+00:00"></span>|Eclipse, Leo, Meditation, New Moon, Practical Astrology|0 Comments

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Your Definitive Guide

So — what is today’s Solar Eclipse really about?

Is it an astronomical event, an astrological event — or jus’ the easiest way to haveya eyeballs burned outta your skull this sidea blowtorchin’ your own face off?

To answer these questions (an’ more), let’s look at the science.

Great Headline Act, Lousy Venue

Thingya gotta remember about any eclipse is how it is jus’ a celestial photo bomb moment.

One planet (typically either the Sun or the Moon) gets in the waya another planet (typically either the Sun or the Moon) an’ showtimes its titties off as it yells Poopy Doo Poopy Doo Poopy Doo Lookit Meeeeeee!

Stoopid part is — we can’t look at the frickin’ thing, not directly anyways.

To see the eclipse, either we gotta wear dumb fashion asshole goggles, slap a sack over our heads, or rig up sum high school camera obscura so we can view FUCK ALL.

What is the pointa THE BIGGEST SHOW ON EARTH FOR 99 YEARS if’n nowan can look directly at it?

Oh, for sure, evrythin’ gonna go dark when it shouldn’t, but that deal kinda happens evry timeya SHUTYA EYES or WAKE AT 3am AN’ GO CRUISE THE STREETS LIKE A POOR, INSOMNIAC BASTARD.

Wanna know the worst part?

This grand celestial planetary woo hoo event only happens for real over a buncha US landmass got nuthin’ livin’ there but frickin’ wildlife.

Call me a city-dwellin’ globalist loser, but are there like any people still livin’ in Idaho, Wyoming, Tennessee or Ken-frickin’-whatevah?

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Astrology On A Stick

Seriously though, gotta figure the 2017 Solar Eclipse gonna be a spectacle we can all embrace — inspirin’ natural imagry an’ energy release combined, all with way more potential to strike a positive chord in hoomanity’s heart than if … say … Donald Trump got his dick out at a White House press conference an’ swooshied it around in a tubba raspberry yogurt while successive alt-right sycophants Hitlered their ring fingers up’n his asshole.

For sure this is a geoplanetary event got all the naked mankind-humblin’ gravitas typically reserved for earthquakes, tornadoes an’ tsunamis — but its import an’ consequences are way more superbeneficial.

Jus’ gotta remember (an’ I knowya seen this evryplace, but I am dooty bound to repeat it cos I know summaya are such stoopid cunts) DO NOT VIEW THE ECLIPSE DIRECTLY.

That way, when evryone streams onto the streets, you can blunder safely through the joobilant hordes takin’ time out from their busy lives to commune as one — clad in stoopid tinted goggles an’ sacks, gazin’ at the world’s greatest natural spectacle in a century on phones an’ tabs — an’ bypass any hospitalizin’ retinal burnout.

Gotta say, anyone on Tinder — be sureta pull onya sexiest underwear beforeya hit the streets cos today is a big one for meetin’ people with a shared interest, tellya.

“Sooo — you into astronomy or astrology?  Which is it?”

“Hey, who cares — jus’ come back to my place RIGHT NOW an’ fuck me so hard up against my refrigerator the ice cubes turn to steam in their trays.”

Point is, gotta remember beyond the spectacle an’ the Professor Lord Sir Stephen Hawking astrophysics how the 2017 Solar Eclipse is primarily an astrological event.

An’ that is why, as a supremely gifted astrologer person, I plan to spend my Solar Eclipse meditatin’ on the hooman condition from the comfort an’ securitya a brand noo yoga outfit I bought specially for the purpose (but which does not fit me an’ will have to be returned to BendyGals RU Ass soon as the frickin’ lights go back on … if’n I don’t drool or cum on it c/o my uncontrollably zen-like **squee** outbursts.)

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Celestial Pointers For Evry Man, Woman, Child & Beest (‘specially alla the frickin’ quadrupeds they got in Idaho, Wyoming etc)

Big deal we got with this Solar Eclipse ain’t so much the 99 years deal, nor even the frickin’ totality.

Those’re jus’ minor details far as I am concerned.

I would wanna look at how the photo bomb moment belongs entirely to showy, generous ol’ Leo.

A real proud noo Leo Moon gonna swank out in fronta a venerable Leo Sun an’ deliver a powerhouse duo romp fulla creative energies … for evryone.

It is a show so visually overpowerin’it cannot (an’ must not) be witnessed first hand — like angels undressin’ in Paradise.

Tellya, this power Moon moment is all about fire an’ heart, peoples — Summer’s final incendiary fling before bikinis turnta dust an’ the Grim Reaper sharpens his scythe on the commercially corrupted Christmas season’s prematurely sparklin’ sheen.

(Or mebbe total nooclear conflict between the US, North Korea, Russia an’ whomsoever stoopid assholes there be. Take yer pick!)

Best deal about the 2017 Solar Eclipse?

This baby is an encore.

Sun an’ Moon pulled a similar trick right at the starta this current Leo phase back in Jooly (an’ latecomers to the astrology scene bandwagonin’ out on the Solar Eclipse till the next lame fake nooz takesya fancy might wanna catch up on the 7 Day Leo SuperBlast kicked alla this off HERE).

What we witnessed back then — sans momentary darkness if’n you were momentarily sensitive to the vibes — was an audacious fire-themed statement to the Cosmos at superlarge aheada a whole buncha planets flyin’ off all retrograde (specifically Plooto in Capricorn).

I would wanna suggest there are sum real dark forces lurkin’ behind the celestial arras right now, an’ real soon we mebbe gonna see how lucky we been this las’ month thanksta the best Leo performance we witnessed for sum time.

(That clarity gonna start droppin’ from the middlea the week when we switch out to Virgo an’ reassess our collective mojo from a substantially less incendiary … an’ decidedly more pernickety … plateau.  But more on that when I’ve had time to make the fucker up…)

So, listen — the one natural spectacle oughta push all the buttons on the visuals deal simply ain’t gonna, an’ because solar eclipses are traditionally difficult to TASTE, SMELL, HEAR or DIRECTLY FEEL, I wanna suggest evryone gets out in the street fulla the Leo vibe as beheld from deep within soul.

Don’t matter ifya are a Pisces, don’t matter ifya are a Gemini, don’t matter ifya are a Nuthin’ Don’t Believe No Astro Crap — a whole buncha real smart catalytic potentials gonna swing offa this Solar Eclipse like the pendulous tinglydangliesa uberhunks, an’ anyone toonin’ in (like the whole frickin’ planet) can slipstream the crap outta the entire Leo vibe.

Practical details for how that works are in this motivational Leo-themed article HERE.

For sure the Solar Eclipse is a tangible phenomenon, but its intangible & metaphorical superpowers mebbe demand a finer costoom than sacks draped over heads an’ stoopid goggles strapped over eyeballs, en masse.

So go drape yourselves in ephemeral raimenta Leonine fire.

You wannit enough, you will feel it.

Step out beyond alla the hordes in the streets starin’ bug-eyed at miniaturized eclipsery on phone after tab after phone like sum alt-reality zombie apocalypse shambletroupe.

This Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) is romantic Sun an’ Moon interplay bypassin’ all immediate sensorium an’ appealin’ direct to your heart.

Gonna sneak its way in throughya skin pores even ifya spend the entire eclipse locked up in a sealed trunk down bottoma the ocean.

Wanna prep for the creative onslaught real smart?

Come join with Moi inya yoga duds for the run-up c/o this dinkily fire-themed astro-meditation.

Nipple Care Durin’ The 2017 Solar Eclipse

One final thing … do not overlook takin’ real sweet careaya dinky protuberals durin’ this mesmerisingly special time.

Jus’ cos we got a global spectacle gowin’ down don’t meanya can neglect life’s essential fleshy parts.

Jus’ sayin’.

Title Image c/o Mohammad Metri @Unsplash

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<span class="sdata" title="27"></span> <span class="sdata" title="03, 2017"></span>

Your Aries Noo Moon Date With Audaciously Tweakoed Fate

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-08T08:25:17+00:00"></span>|Aries, Creativity, Fire Signs, Initiative, Luminous Tattoo, New Moon|0 Comments

YOUR ARIES NOO MOON DATE WITH AUDACIOUSLY TWEAKOED FATE

It is time to preen up an’ head out.

Aries got a mandate forya March Noo Moon date with fate, droppin’ 10.57pm EDT tonite.

Be in no frickin’ doubt, astro aficionados — this is one inspirational firecracker gonna setya 2017 alight with verve an’ enterprise.

Whateverya got — get it started.

Whateverya want — take action.

Whateverya done with — sear it fromya future intentions, like the wicka sum candle vaporizin’ before Flame’s unstoppable zest.

So mebbe ifya are turnin’ in for the night jus’ as the action gets underway, all pooped out cos it is Monday, an’ you got the whole frickin’ weekta plow through before weekend Nirvana juices upya fun pipes once again, you might wanna try a Noo Moon ritual gonna pluck from this lunar  Light My Fire! Extravaganza sum undistilled energiesya can work with as they rain down onya with the inspirin’ beautya lava showers spat outta a volcano.

An’ tonight, that ritual is simple fable.

A taleya prolly know by heart coulda mebbe turned out real different.

Questionya got right now is how can I turn out sumthin’ real different?

How can I forge a buncha cool stuff on an inspired an’ audacious dare?

Your Aries Noo Moon Date With Inspirational Fable!

Once upon a time there were three Billy Goats Gruff.

You got Baby Billy Goat (kinda tiny), Mommy Billy Goat (kinda medium-sized) — an’ Burger Chompin’ Billy Goat (kinda so fulla unhealthy fats, carbs, sugar an’ squirtsa relish he regularly bust outta his pants in a way that was most definitely NOT the sexy variety).

Anyways, point about these fuckin’ stoopid goats was how they looooved eatin’ the sweet, green grass.

Nuthin’ else remarkable about ‘em, I guess.

I mean, c’mon — goats!

It is not like they were elephants or dolphins or sharks or sumthin’ — creatures cookin’ up real pizzazz thanksta stunningly prehensile dangly parts, proto-human cerebellar prowess, or rampant danger swirlin’ round inside their very DNA as renegade protiens.

To be honest, I do not see the pointa goats at all, an’ mebbe this sorry trio mighta jus’ munched away at alla the grass in their biddy widdy goaty valley before passin’ away with nuthin’ more to honor their memory than a few brief words in the local noospaper — kinda Three Fuckin’ Useless Goats Fuckin’ Died. Next!

But, see — they ran outta grass.

Mommy Billy Goat saw it first — how Burger Chompin’ Billy Goat had transformed the lush an’ verdant landscape into A SALAD SIDE for his QUARTER POUNDERS, leavin’ the entire biddy widdy goat valley browner an’ barrener than a fake pirate’s chest sunk deep below an oceana gravy.

“I guess this is it,” she said, munchin’ on the final bladea grass.

“Prolly you are right,” said her husband.  “Let’s all lay down and die before it starts raining.”

But Baby Billy Goat was havin’ nonea it.

She was plucky, spunky, zesty — an’ more’n a frickin’ pain in the ass.

“We gotta bust out on verve an’ initiative,” she said, “so I say we follow the inspiration bestowed upon us by the powerful New Moon in Aries and go check out the neighbouring valley and its humongously abundant greenery.  For sure, we gotta cross the rickety old bridge and brave the ferocious troll who lives beneath it, but I figure he is so slow and stupid that we can outwit him.  It’ll take considerable courage and no shortage of enterprising zeal, but those are precisely the cosmic energies shining down on us right now as Mother Cosmosis spins us transformational lunar energies and mixes them up super constructively with the power to make things happen thanks to how she’s dangled Mars before solid ol’ Taurus.  I’ll go first! I’m up for this! Let me be the one to deal with that stinky troll!  I’ll trip trap the heck out of his bridge so loud and shameless, he’ll snap from his slumber and make with the usual trollish spiel about gobbling me up for his dinner — but instead of confronting him head on and playing right into his warty hands, I’ll play fast and smart and catch him unawares with a real inspired trick.  So like when he says Me gonna gobble you all up, ima tell him no way Mr Troll, cos I am only a teeny weeny goat and if you eat me, you’ll still be super hungry — and you’ll scare away all the big, fat goats who are bounding down the road behind me so chirpily their cellulite makes Kim Kardashian’s butt look less wobbly than a granite statue of Sam the Eagle — so your real clever move right now has to be letting me across your bridge so you can get your teeth round the heavy duty meat rolling along like a supermarket conveyor in the direction of your taste buds.  If the troll really is a stupid as everyone says, I could maybe flash him a helpful infographic on my tab at this point with me standing on the bridge looking all skinny and unappetising — and then flash up goat after goat after goat, getting bigger and bigger and bigger, juicier and juicier and juicier, succulenter and succulenter and succulenter, all bounding inevitably toward the troll’s tongue stretched like a red carpet over the bridge’s rickety wooden planks — and to clinch the deal, I could mock up a special Bumper Goat Meal Deal endorsement by someone like The Rock, along with a cool tagline, maybe Endless Goats for Trolly Throats or Let The Skinny Ones Past For Blissful Eventual Repast or Don’t Kid Yourself When You Wanna Pig Out On Goat.  I figure this audacious plan will pull in all the best features of the famous Stanford marshmallow experiment where a bunch of kids said NO to the weeny treat and delayed their gratification for the big treat further down the line, and because the troll is way dumber than any kid, he’s certain to fall for it, hook line and sinker — especially if I mention how The Rock is on the lookout for an iconic monster of considerable renown to model for his career-rebooting luminous dick tattoo.  When I’m safely across the bridge, swishing my hooves against all the yummy fresh grass on the other side of the valley, Mom can trip trap the heck outta the rickety woodwork and repeat the process — which ought to be way easier the second time around because our subtle use of repetition and other classic oral storytelling techniques will have hypnotized the troll and directed his expectation toward the outcome we desire, which is for Mom to make it through to the lush, green valley on a promise of way more succulent goaty meat to come — and maybe a private audience with Anne Hathaway sporting a pared-back catsuit dripping with a blend of extra virgin olive oil and liquid Viagra.  So when Dad finally trip traps the heck outta the bridge — or maybe just tiptoes, because it would be a shame for the plan to go awry at this stage thanks to the bridge collapsing — we’ll have worked the troll’s desires like a stage magician manipulating a deck of cards to produce the one killer Ace of Spades to bring the house down, and the warty old monster will either be expecting Dad to offer up an even bigger goat — or he’ll be studying Dad’s colossal stomach, fountains of drool dripping from his maw, thinking Boy, I’m so glad I let those weeny goats past! That scrawny kid was dead right! If I’d gobbled her up, I’d still be starved out of my wits, and this delicious meal now heading straight for Stomach Central would never have offered itself up to me on a platter, my gorgeously horrid face would never have glowed in the dark thanks to The Rock’s formidable prepuce, and night after night of kinky subdom action at the mercy of Hollywood’s naughtiest ever superfeline would be but a dream in my otherwise dull and uninventive trolly brain — and I understand perfectly that I’m making the troll sound way smarter than he actually is, but when you’re running with a crazily audacious New Moon plan, milking the situation using heaps of brazen irony is the only way to go.  And that’s before we get to the really clever part!  Because what the stupid troll won’t be expecting is for Dad to headbutt him into the river using precisely the surprise tactics favored by the New Moon as it sets the year alight with its shockingly innovative ignition power.  If we time things right, when Dad finally comes skipping into our lush new valley, me and Mom can be rustling up the finest burger you ever did see, all ready to be garnished with a medley of grass and clover salad so delicious that even Gordon Ramsay would swoon at the sight of it. So what do you think, Mom and Dad? Shall we run with my inspiring and audacious Aries New Moon inspired initiative and risk life and limb to win the day through bravery, verve and breathtakingly innovative smarts?”

Your Aries Noo Moon Date With Neither NEVER, NOT VERY MUCH nor TOO LATE

Gotta tellya, I know how these fairy tale narrative arcs work, an’ mebbe now you are expectin’ Mom an’ Dad to squeal, “yes, yes, yes — let’s seize the day and win our future with this bold initiative” — but in tonight’s versiona this classic fable, they did not.

Mom an’ Dad jus’ grunted all gruff about facin’ the troll an’ laid ’emselves down on the bare Earth to die, leavin’ Baby Billy Goat to kinda wither away, her spirit forever crushed.

An’ weeks later, the local noospaper ran a feature about turtles — sumthin’ about sum guy had a turtle laid eggs in his garage, I dunno.

Think about that for a sec, as the light goes out on your day an’ tamara takes her first kicks against that cocoon she got looks very much like the outer limitsa your febrile braino.

Is that the kinda schwango you want outta your own life?

To use up alla your precious energy an’ zesto layin’ down at the feeta sum stoopid troll barrin’ your way?

Point is, Mother Cosmosis has rigged the celestial vapors to deliver colossal Aries energy right now — real upliftin’ brio gonna kickstart cool stuff likeya never seen before, if’n you wannit.

I touched on this in my last blog post — an’ right at the starta the year when 2016’s demise gifted evryone an opportoonityta figure brighter wishes an’ resolootions — but I figure this precise moment in time is the real McCoy gonna make alla that shit swing out an’ roll.

So, whatever you wanna happen right now, this is no time to lie down an’ die like no hapless goat.

You got an Aries Noo Moon date with fate — an’ alla the firepower gonna bust the odds inya favor is YOURS TO GRASP, MASSAGE ERECT & DIRECT.

So go face down the stoopid fuckin’ troll standin’ inya way an’ do sumthin’ real inspired.

Be smart.  Be audacious.  Be brave.

Tellya, if this Aries Noo Moon had featured in Star Wars, Obi Wan Kenobi woulda looked Luke Skywalker straight in the eye an’ said,

To hell with the Force being “with you” — may it blitz so hard up your ass you’ll be thrust forward into the fray like a fucking tornado.

Title Image c/o Pixel Sepp @ Pixabay

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