YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE TO AUTUMN EQUINOX RITUALS
Gotta be honest here, but trad Autumn Equinox rituals kinda piss me off big time.
It is not that I am no astro heretic or nuthin’ … nor that I disrespect tradition an’ alla the committed souls past an’ present who been dootiful upholdersa The Way… nor even that I got a problem wearin’ the costooms or toyin’ with the regalia …
it’s jus’ I would want always for major astro celebrations to be as individyool an’ spontaneous as they are eternal.
So, hey — we are all thinkin’ ‘bout Mother Cosmosis’ imminent Summer-to-Autumn switcheroo rn, an’ we are all makin’ plans for how we gonna celebrate this celestially charged time, so I got sum suggestions for mebbe howya might wanna swooshie along with the 2017 take on Autumn Equinox rituals an’ kinda personalize it for the benefita your own unique booby doo.
I am nuthin’ if not no diligent servant regardin’ your 24/7 astro info lustiness…
Autumn Equinox Rituals — The Historical Perspective
Truth be told, Autumn Equinox prolly goes back to the dawna time, yanno, ever since Mother Cosmosis fixed up alla the planets.
Ritual part came way later — less’n dinosaurs got an angle on the deal or alla that amoeboid gloop we got right at the starta life on Earth kinda wiggled its collective proto-ass on a sympathetic vibe ticket.
Rituals only trooly start with people — world over, all kindsa styles.
An’ the main deal to understand here beyond the form alla those rituals took (an’ still take) is the essential content — the reason for botherin’ when actschwlly we got cool TV shows prolly gonna be more fun or (back in the day) bunnies to hunt down with spears made outta enemy bones.
Gotta figure evry Autumn Equinox we are celebratin’ onea the Earth’s major changesa heart — payin’ homage to life’s eternal cycles by wavin’ goodbye to our favo bikinis an’ breakin’ out the long coats an’ scarves … switchin’ out barbecues an’ fat guys showin’ crack for pumpkin soup an’ hallowe’en masks … rompin’ off for sex in the woods only to discover our goosebumps are bigger an’ stiffer than our strawbos an’ dicks.
Autumn Equinox shows, an’ the final walk back from the beach becomes the long an’ arduous trudge through wind an’ frickin’ rain to Christmas, whereupon enforced gaiety gonna collide with a real shitty selectiona gifts from relativesya hate an’ enough fatty garbage to guarantee the Noo Year boolimic puke-fest hurls an’ spews an’ regurgitates itself alla the way through to Spring.
Who wouldn’t wanna celebrate that?
What we got here with the Autumn Equinox is a self-evident reason to rejoice, whether ye be astro aficionado or astro skeptic.
However we argue among ourselves ‘bout the meaninga what is gowin’ on, the natural world has dominion over the spectacle we witness.
Evry astrologer person an’ astrology aficionado dies, planets gonna spin on, blissfully aloof as an Aquarian pop star refuses to sign autographs … give interviews or pose for the cameras … or actschwlly sing in frickin’ toon.
Always, there gonna be planetary dance an’ shimmy; an always, celestial energy gonna flux an’ spasm an’ renew as an ever-evolvin’ Cosmos demands.
Any creature comes outta that got eyes an’ life an’ heart gonna sit up an’ take real big notice, gonna reflect forevermore ‘pon the visuals, the changes, the flowa time.
Guess it is our turn now — post-gen Z to pre-Boomer — to fix on the marvel an’ draw succor from its immense stories.
Aries to Pisces, we all here this week, lookin’ on.
So we gotta ask — what is ritual?
Is it past tradition, kept alive like mebbe whenya reheat sum half-chewed frickin’ pizza for blearo-eyed breakfast after a party?
Or does 2017’s take on the Autumn Equinox ritual demand that it is uniquely US an’ uniquely OUR SHIT gotta dictate how we celebrate this yet-to-happen spectacle?
Autumn Equinox Rituals — As Cherished By “Those Who Went Before But Are Now Kinda Fuckoed”
Gotta figure alla those Deep Wicca spirits floopsyin’ around the Afterlife on their psilocybe- splattered broomstick-cum-fanjsmackers ain’t guaranteed to be deeply moved by anyone down here honorin’ the Autumn Equinox on a rote tradition ticket.
Most important thing about the Afterlife?
It goes on forever!
Las’ thing evryone in the Afterlife wants is a ritual goes on an’ on’ an’ on, year after year after year, same old same old after same old same old after same old same old.
Thinka how you gonna feel after listenin’ to Taylor Swift warblin’ [insert your total favo Swift song here!] back to back for like a frickin’ month!
Tellya, you suffer that assault onya sensorium, you gonna wanna try ANYTHIN’ BUT.
Anyways, alla the Zodiac got their own take on Autumn Equinox rituals, an’ a standard catch-all trope-packed astro workout — gleaned from learned tomes such as The 1688 Cyclopaedia of Starres, Philomena Schwimmer’s 1967 classic “Astrology for Liberated Californian Catholics”, an’ anythin’ written by Bethany Wiccasplatz before she denounced Eminem as a reincarnated poodle an’ abandoned astrology for marketin’ her own piss as a sleep sedative — weeeeell, you mebbe gotta figure alla the dead astro people we got floatin’ around in the Afterlife ain’t gonna be too pleased we can’t show ‘em sumthin’ noo.
Plus also, they are such cunts.
Aries simply ain’t interested what we all doin’.
Taurus prolly bringin’ herself off on a cloud sumplace.
Gemini seen it all before, so no way she gonna waste Eternity watchin’ your stoopid ritual ass.
Cancer don’t gotta care ‘bout nuthin’ no more cos worst case scenario (ie DEATH) already frickin’ happened … so why bother?
Leo gonna be busy performin’ her own song & dance ritual for any angels got the day off from patrollin’ Trump an’ Kimmee the Nooker an’ alla the other warmongerin’ fuckwits on their way upstairs any time now.
An’ do you really want Virgo lookin’ down onya, criticizin’ evry misquoted incantation an’ hollerin’ why you not ironed your damn robes decent, you incompetent slacker?
Afterlife don’t got no Librans in it anyways cos they all cum back down here to Terrorized Firma reincarnated as funky multicolored cephalapods go shimmer shimmer shimmer (it is troo — alla those undersea chameleon kaleidoscopes’re jus’ recycled Librans).
Scorpio is too busy figurin’ ways to escape so they can get reborn an’ re-establish their traditionally mysterious relationship with DEATH spooks ‘em out in ways that are familiar.
Sagittarius is bringin’ herself off on a cloud, same as Taurus, only she is hidin’ away on an adjacent cloud, gettin’ a real big hit offa watchin’ Ms Bovine Butt quiver slow an’ juicy.
Capricorn gonna be checkin’ the Autumn Equinox Rituals library an’ makin’ sure alla the killer secrets remain under wraps — ‘part from a coupla core inscriptions an’ sigils only she can interpret.
Aquarius is sellin’ finger spinners an’ savin’ for a way stoopid hairdo.
An’ Pisces mebbe gonna be makin’ the final touches to a dream she had ‘bout writin’ a steamy romance novel … “someday”.
So, please — do not even try to impress these useless fuckers!
They do not care.
Autumn Equinox Rituals — Your Day To Go Play In A Generous Cosmos
Wanna pick up here on sum themes I wrote out for the Spring Equinox — my 5-step Spring Fever Cures All plan.
If I’m honest, I actschwlly wanna jus’ repackage that old content an’ spare myself wastin’ valuable weekend FUN TIME writin’ out sumthin’ noo an’ specific, but I trooly only want the best for you guys … so that’s what I’m gonna do.
Autumn … Spring … hey — who fuckin’ cares?
Main deal is, life is kinda short (an’ I made that point HERE back starta Noo Year when the Reaper took holda 2016’s balls an’ scythed ‘em from reality in a manner most mortal an’ genuinely kinda cinematically propulsive), an’ we gotta squeeze alla the yummiest juice outta shit whenever it swells up with goodness before us.
Back in Spring, I set out a motivational action plan for boostin’ five key elementsa evryone’s lives.
Here’s what I hit on…
(I know — original af.)
An’ I would now wanna suggest how any Autumn Equinox ritual you wanna figure — trad-packed to nowsumly spunky & buzzin’ — gotta fix on these essential considerations.
You want I take ‘em one at a time?
K, here goes…
Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #1 — Your Body
It is temptin’ to throw on a whole buncha uncomfortable robes an’ duct tape sum antlers to your head … but tbh, yoga pants an’ a T’re jus’ fine.
You got sumplace cosy an’ private, get naked FFS.
Point is, you wanna be comfy, relaxed — an’ healthy.
So ease back on chocolate, narcotics, an’ alcohol excesses from mebbe Toosday, do sum Yoga or sports, an’ address all bodily hair issues.
Tellya, Equinox drops, she won’t wanna see her diligent devotees sportin’ last month’s dishevelled hairdo, next month’s armpit-fluff-to-be, or any kinda Unkempt Pubo Emergency situation.
All transformations got a deeply sensyool component an’ so mucha astrology fixes on how we feel, so whatever your ritual (an’ this is especially troo for anyone plannin’ to go trad an’ invest in summa them $50 Astro Antlers they got on special offer in Wal-Mart), stay focused on your body an’ show compassion for any feelings flow on out.
Serene reflection to capes an’ candles to makin’ with the solo masturbationals, Autumn Equinox says you gotta relax all chillsum an’ be super comfy inya beautyflesh.
Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #2 — Your Mind
This Autumn Equinox moment is about eternal change.
Year on year we get Summer switchin’ out to Autumn, but back in the day, people had way different ideas ‘bout shit than we got now.
Their thoughts reflected their times, an’ their reactions to those thoughts betrayed their mortal vulnerability.
So the world is as it is rn, an’ prolly you can’t change much ‘bout that.
An’ your life is how it is rn, an’ … mebbe you got more options for transformation gowin’ down here.
Gotta listen out for that — the bittersweet discourse gowin’ down in your personal space, day to day, week to week.
See, cos there’re changes comin’, a whole world spinnin’ beyond your control.
But you got motivational action power over evrythin’ you do, an’ alla that begins withya ideas an’ dreams an’ desires.
Plz be sure to figure summa that inya ritual — pay special heed to the moment as it plays out in alla that neurocerebral schwango you call thinkin’.
Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #3 — Your Spirit
If we gonna be super scientific, we gotta conclude how Spirit got sumthin’ more dinkily YOU ‘bout it than either Body or Mind.
Flop a boobie out, take holda your dick — you got a beautiful chunka YOU there, but evrythin’ ‘bout alla that wibbloflesh been parta sumthin’ else in the past.
Before alla those shaft molecules an’ nippo atoms got to be orbitin’ Locus You … kinda like the planets orbitin’ the Sun … they was mebbe parta sumone else’s dick or boobies.
Mebbe they was gorilla boobies … or ant stomach … or jus’ a lonely boulder way down bottom in sum prehistoric lagoon.
An’ alla them thoughts you got, inextricably bound to your recycled boobie body — they really YOURS?
Tellya, you been on Twitter, Tumblr or Buzzfeed in the las’ 20 minutes, likely your head gonna be fulla asshole memes, fake nooz, an’ a whole buncha other garbage routinely clogs up an’ sullies hoomanity’s Mutually Shared Cerebellosphere like alla that crappy plastic we now got swillin’ round our oceans an’ fuckin’ on fishykind.
So you gotta set aside a space, apart from Body an’ Mind, that more trooly shimmers benign an’ beautysum with your SPIRIT.
Ain’t gonna presoom to tellya what this is — you alone got privileged access, always — but whileya are cavortin’ about the place as the Equinox drops (adherin’ to proscribed trad antlercraft or bustin’ out on your own unique ticket), please wanna be aware that you persist an’ exist beyond mortal boobiedinkies an’ anythin’ you may be thinkin’.
Spirit don’t sound like no tangible entity, but when super signiffo astro events like Equinoxes play out (an’ remember, such times are so signiffo, they matter to astro skeptics also) you got sumthin’ you can touch on that is neither Body nor Mind.
Plan to see this, discover what you got.
Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #4 — Your Mojo
Tellya, one meme we got doin’ the Shared Cerebellular Rot rounds is alla that stuff ‘bout 90%a our problems bein’ cozza our POV.
More specifically, it says how shit happens, but the worst kinda shit follows from our unhelpful reaction.
I would wanna quibble the exact 90%, an’ I got issues also with sweepin’ motivational mantras an’ ideas can read kinda weird ifya play around with the context … so like this sentiment could figure as a cool way for a super rich elite to oppress a poor or enslaved underclass … but I figure Mojo is essentially self-created.
Mojo is mebbe a stance toward reality you gonna adopt — a positive outlook got no negative opposite.
It is either there to sum degree … or it ain’t.
Tbh, whatever your view on the Equinox, its essential theme is TIME PASSES.
That means (d’oh) it reminds us how all life got a narrative — past, present an’ fyooture.
You gonna gaze into the fyooture, you mebbe gotta take a positive stance (an’ I would want alla the recent Virgo vibe to have primed evryone to fix on sum practical action plans like I mentioned recently on my Tumblr Blaaahg).
So, again, I really don’t give no fuckin’ shit ‘bout howya celebrate the Equinox, but ifya are botherin’ with any kinda ritual at all, you are locatin’ an’ intention or wish an’ schloppin’ it in a frame as the past gives way to the fyooture.
Mojo is the wish goes in your frame, an’ you gotta take a positive stance toward what you expect from yourself in the comin’ months — despite evrythin’ I said about frickin’ Christmas.
Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #5 — Your Drive
The more I think about it, the more I recall wantin’ to be thorough when I wrote out my original Spring Fever Cures All plan last Equinox.
Jus’ offerin’ four suggestions seemed kinda stingy, so I threw in sumthin’ extra to round my Super Wise Counsel package up to five.
As it turned out I figure I made a useful distinction between two things mebbe perceived often as the same.
After all, what is Mojo if not Drive?
Weeeeeell … I would wanna consider how Mojo is kinda proto-potential.
It is the energy waitin’ to burst out in a thunderclap, the lava swillin’ round in a volcano before it cums.
Gotta figure with any Autumn Equinox ritual howya are wantin’ to identify an’ refine your magical energies an’ pay heed to other forces playin’ out in the world.
Body, Mind an’ Spirit toonsya in, Mojo firesya up — but what fuckin’ happens next?
See, cos we are nearin’ the enda the ritual here — that moment whenya set gratuitous astrology down an’ go back to your job in the bar as a flirty Gemini, back to your college class as a kickass Virgo … back to your regular Aries-to-Pisces deal, whatever that be.
Ritual don’t change nuthin’ for whenya step out from her confines, what is the fuckin’ point?
So, antlers or no, you gotta invite the potential for change an’ subsequent noo action … so you can walk outta your ritual space renewed an’ replenished.
Wanna thinka this right from the start … an’ the start begins NOW as the Equinox looms, heralded but as yet unborn.
Wanna be changed so your energy got new flow.
Wanna touch on your people with refined an’ re-energized heart.
That is what I am gonna do.
Ain’t decided yet my exact planna action — antlers, Wiccasplatz or chocolate dildo — but I am thinkin’ ‘bout it all now, seekin’ for noo life an’ energy, wantin’ for my super-yet-to-happen Saturday self to be changed for the better by the Equinox (an’ my reflections thereupon) in ways I can experience troothfully, articulate accurately, an’ act on with verve an’ spunko.
Autumn Equinox Rituals — Concludin’ Comments
So, thereya go — a monster practical Autumn Equinox Rituals HOW TO blaaahg post don’t actually tellya what to frickin’ do!
Tellya, Zodiac Cops gonna shoot the butt offa my ass, they find out.
But like I said right at the start, you got opportoonity to bring your unique potentials an’ desires to bear upon a unique astrological phenomenon: Autumn Equinox, 2017-style.
Jus’ cos we know so much about what is comin’, just cos the Afterlife is fulla floaty Zodiac beings handed down tradition ‘pon tradition, don’t mean you gotta play along with anya that schwango.
Be yourself, make your own day … an’ FFS play it how you wanna.
But mebbe spare sum thought for Body, Mind, Spirit, Mojo & Drive, huh?
Title Image c/o Pablo Basagoiti @Unsplash
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