Why 2018 Is New Year AF Till 2020

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2017-12-30T16:29:30+01:00"></span>|Capricorn, Mother Cosmosis, Motivation, My Apartment, Resolution, Star Sign Shit, Uncategorized|0 Comments


We reach that point in the year when endings become new beginnings, farewells become greetings, an’ most evrywan gets titsed offa their assholeflaps on alcohol an’ Noo Year rezzo frickin’ lootions.

As an astrologer person, I see both smart an’ stoopid in this unique moment.

The whole resolootion deal is smart because

1) Change is inevitable, so why not make an effort to command it?

2) Sumtimes you gotta tidy upya life — especially frickin’ Geminis.

3) When evrywan is pullin’ on sumthin’ together it makes stickin’ with the willpower an’ followthru seem so much easier, even though it actschwlly ain’t — like weary marathon runners encouraged by their peers to go the distance or world-beatin’ burger eatin’ champs motivated by the cameras to swallow quarterpounder #57 an’ rupture evrythin’ between their oesophagi an’ their buttholes.

The stoopid part is even easier to nail — an’ that is where Mother Cosmosis comes in (quite literally, as it turned out).

Oh Yippee! — Are You Going To Tell Us A Story, O Princess?

tbh I was merely gonna relate a poignant anecdote, but ifya are so desperate for entertainment, mebbe I will embellish, add flourish — an’ plain ol’ lie

Dunno what YOU were doin’ the weekend before Christmas, but I was crashed out in my apartment nursin’ nostrils streamin’ like a cumshot compilation.

My weary head ached, my stomach gurgled, an’ my limbs were so darn limp even an Ultraspazz Flopout Yoga routine was beyond me.

Trooly, I feared The Reaper.

So I am leanin’ against my refrigerator, mixin’up a cocktaila miscellaneous flooids an’ meds, when a familiar breach in the Time-Space-WTF Continuum opens up beside my lifesize cardboard Benedict Cumberbatch erecto-display … an’ celestial vapors waft into view.

“Got any stronger meds than Cerebellufen?” I say as Mother Cosmosis steps outta the Void. “My hippocampus is about to go frickin’ viral.”

M.C. flashes me her best FFS Balestra, why do you always insist on ruining my trademark spectacular entrances with lame excuses for existence that subvert the meaningful dialog I had planned … and ultimately beach us both in the worst kind of limbo where only exaggerated nightmare date stories offer any kind of succor? smirk — an’ slaps me hard in the back. “Just cough it all up and you’ll be fine, darling.”

Gotta admit, she sure dislodged sumthin’ there — but I was still walkin’ all wonky right up till Christmas.

“We need to discuss the hope and aspiration festival that is New Year,” she says, jammin’ a bowl under my achin’ jaw an’ pummelin’ on my back even harder. “People are so desperate for practical lifehacks at this time of year that even diehard Christian evangelists are prepared to look in on their horoscopes for clues to guide them forward through the unrelenting — and frankly, Godless — darkness. It’s a great time for bitch-crazy astrogals like ourselves to pull in the bucks for a Summer vacation someplace swanky.”

I cough up a chipotle & vodka whirlpool. “So what’s our theme? Las’ year I ran with Mortal Gloom as a Means For Necessary Soulful Transformation — mainly cos 2016 was such a fucker.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” says M.C. with a frown. “Next time I suggest The Self-Perpetuating Bunnyscape of Infinite Happiness as New Year inspiration, you run with it, okay? That virgin blog post of yours probably put millions off astrology for life.”

“Aw, c’mon — you know I’m at my best when I play the plucky Sagittarian rescuin’ hope from the jawsa all-consoomin’ Oblivion.”

“Hey, that’s your delusional self-image and not mine, sister. But I take the point about Oblivion, if only because it’s the one pitch offers scope for a month in the Bahamas instead of merely a night stop in Ontario — minus breakfast.”

“So what’s our angle for 2018? Looks good to Moi right now.”

M.C. perches deftly on the edgea my sofa. “I think so too. New Year AF. 2017 began its brief life choked by stifling backstory — like the second book in a truly lousy trilogy the author will inevitably lose all will to complete. Hope was in short supply, a dark narrative lacking rhyme and reason seemed set to write itself into the history books against many people’s wishes, and my pussy hat unravelled while I was heading over to the New York Women’s March from Pluto.”

“But I guess alla the soulful people done good in the end, right? Battled through difficult times — jus’ like how the bleak Midwinter Solstice warms sure an’ slow into Spring’s rebirth?”


“So I can lay on the sugar for my Noo Year blaaahg post this year? Drizzle honey onto the tonguesa the deservedly emboldened?

M.C. nods. “Till it oozes deep down into their bellies or overflows onto their naked breasts.”

“In fuckin’ January?

“Point taken.”

That’s A Story? The Universe’s Prime Celestial Mover Stops By Your Apartment … And You Throw Up? Where’s The Romance In That Scenario?

The Romance is exactly as I pitched it, Sweetie.

An’ this is where we get to the deliciously stoopid deal ‘bout Noo Year.

Thing is, the cyclic astro narrative spins evry year from Aries to Pisces don’t make with the catalytic sparky till the Spring Equinox.

That is the troo kickstart on renewal an’ change an’ shit.

May I recommendya pull onya feels here an’ reflect on that self-evident truth for a sec?

Whicha the followin’ scenarios fillsya heart mostest fulla leapsy boundsy gambollin’ spunky & plucky?

1) It is the Bleak Midwinter. Your butt cheeks been frozen offya shiverin’ body, evry tree been strippeda life, feeble-lookin’ birds hop stutteringly across the barren landscape with nuthin’ but hunger an’ sorrow in their eyes, an’ only a single imaginary fat guy is on hand to bleedya bank account dry an’ fillya so fulla cinnamon-flavored megacarbs you gonna be either constipated solid for a week or squirtin’ liquid figgy puddin’ outta your ass till fuckin’ Valentines.

2) Spring Fever gripsya evry wakin’ molecule an’ you feel so dirty screamin’ horny you wanna wrapya legs round anythin’ that moves an’ buck hard tillya titties squeal for mercy.

Tellya, if’n Noo Year Resolootion came bundled as a Gift Voucher steada an immutable obligation, I figure most evrywan would save it up till the Spring when the planet got way more to offer by waya transformational optimism than GIVE UP SMOKING or LOSE TWO STONE AND LEARN PORTUGUESE.

What the fuck is alla that schwango about anyways?

Surely lame goals an’ prohibitions masqueradin’ as desirable bounties despoil optimism’s iridescent sheen like guano smeared on a Homecomin’ Queen’s eyeballs?

There’s No Arguing With That, I Suppose. So Where Do We Go From Here?

We understand implicitly that like all things astrological, fixed points in time are merely flux-propelled instances conjoined in a wider narrative maxin’ out on eternal sweetness.

Far as Noo Year is concerned, this means we gotta ask how leapsy boundsy Arian overdrive gonna play out when Spring blossoms if’n we ain’t first lived through the las’ three chaptersa the Celestial workbook — specifically the Capricorn section drops like a cannonball evry Trad Reaper Season.

For a different perspective, ask what good any kinda Capricorn resolve gonna be worth when Arian action stations beckon if’n they ain’t first been refined through Winter by Aquarian Perky an’ wider Piscean Dreamostuffs.

Tellya, if’n resolootion an’ change gonna mean anythin’, fixin’ & fluxin’ gotta be amenable to Time’s dynamic ebb an’ flow — or our hearts be naught but stone.

Way I see it, opportoonities for resolootion an’ renewal spring outta evry single incendiary interplanetary dancegasm moment — primarily when the Sun switches sign, but also when other celestial shufflin’around is gowin’ down, like mebbe a sextile shimmy twixt Moon an’ Mercury.

If we wanted, we could all decide to muster annually round resolve an’ change inspired by (for example) Libran values.

Our #resolution tweets would drop in Autumn ‘steada Winter, but they would still pull on the same essential features figure in December/January … like To Do lists, willpower, habit, aspirations an’ goals (only with Libra in the drivin’ seat, recitin’ power mantras would demand pan pipe accompaniment or yodellin’ talents).

Resolve an’ change are equally supermutable an’ eternal, an’ it is only cos we muster in our droves round the Capricornian incarnation that our Noo Year desires an’ redirections pack the particular vibe they do.

Which Is What, O Princess? What Is Specifically Capricornian About The Resolutions We Make — en Masse — For New Year Compared To Commitments To Change We Make (So Often On Our Lonesome) Most Other Times?

Tellya, Capricorn resolootions are such CUNTS.

They take more stamina to make an’ keep, they are seriously life-changin’, an’ they so wanna breakya down before they makeya up big an’ strong an’ successful.

That is what makes ‘em so unapologetically hardcore.

It is like resta the year, you kinda bumble along on a self-regulatin’ morphsy autopilot — cosyin’ up to the Arian resolootion bunny iconography in Spring an’ shiverin’ from Scorpio’s Halloweensy faux rictus demands in Autumn — before


goddamn goat-faced REAPER drops onya at deada night an’ whuppies your head clean off with a scythe bigger’n a frickin’ bomber plane wing,

an’ screams …

“You want your life to count for something instead of being trampled underfoot by imbecile hordes, then here is how you must work your determined tits off, day after day, week after week, month after month, until the only flavor your tongue recognises is the sweet taste of total triumph!”

Way I see it, we figure on Noo Year as a time for diligent resolootion fever ‘steada any other particular time not cos there is nuthin’ trooly NEWER gowin’ down December/January than the schwango cracks off resta the year but bcs Capricorn smarts direct us to look in on the hardcore essentials we mebbe shy away from whenever less benevolently oppressive Zodiac energies’re runnin’ the show.

Capricorn says …

Hard reset. No escape. No easy ride.

saturn in capricorn pulled strings on fate back in 1991

Best parta the deal?

The unpalatable beautya 2018’s Capricornian resolootion swing is how it throws in a full 3 yearsa unrelentin’ transformational grindo to GUARANTEE we pick ourselves up an’ smarten our fuckin’ acts, big time.

(See — this is what I meant when I told Mother Cosmosis I was gonna lay on the sugar.)

Coolest resolvin’ revolver we got rn is Saturn spinnin’ his almighty frickin’ wheelhouse in Capricorn till 2020 — so any changes you powerin’ up now gonna play for keeps.

2018 is “New Year AF” till 2020 precisely cos hardcore transformation opportoonities be thunderin’ the hell outta the Cosmos an’ not jus’ the calendar.

It is not down to Moi to decide forya what changes to make or stick with, still less to proclaim from on Sagittarian high that unlessya take full advantagea this once-in-a-generation opportoonity for self-mastery as manifested in unashamedly practical resolootion an’ transformationstuffs you are a real fuckin’ dumb-as-shit slacker deserves the Universe to gobbleya up — I merely wanna point out how significant is this momentary epoch beyond

hey, yesterday it was like 2017 … and now it is like 2018! Ain’t that just the craziest thing you ever heard? Maybe we should let off some fireworks to celebrate … or go get a pizza or something.

Then What Are You Saying? What Does “New Year AF” Even Mean?

Think back to August 18th. Or April 29th. Or October 7th. Or whenevah.

You got no frickin’ Noo Year gowin’ down anya these times, no fanciful pan-globe kiss-up gonna carry evrywan along on a transformation ticket.

Prolly these were nuthinny kindsa days, I dunno.

You wake up, go work or class, hang out with friends, go bed.

Less’n you keep a journal or it wasya birthday or aliens abductedya pets, prolly these dates plucked outta the air at random by Moi mean fuck all other than … they happened.

But if astrology means anythin’ at all, its power lies forever in how it is LIVE — same as YOUR LIFE — an’ when eacha these days was the eternal present moment, no way were they about fuck all!

Down the ages, philosophers been thinkin’ a shitload ‘bout time.

Truth is, they been at it so long prolly they shoulda figured the fucker out by now, I dunno.

But one thing ‘bout time seems forever to be true is how it is a kinda container for supermomentary mortal feelin’.

Eacha those days I mentioned framed real specific feelings you had — a POV an’ precursor to action can never seep out beyond the moment gave it suck.

You got memories now, mebbe had expectations way back, but only on those days didya trooly feel an’ understand what they were as they played out beforeya eyes.

Good or bad, fulla portent or inconsequential, hamster abduction nightmare or no, your transformation through time on these days (an’ howya feelings ‘bout alla that bucked the odds on transformation potential for the fyooture) was prolly not so much different from the opportoonity available when Trad Noo Year drops

You either touch base with dancea your mojo & life circumstance an’ howya wanna take yourself forward … orya do not.

Stoopid says … pickin’ on a moment in time plucked from an arbitrarily imposed calendar an’ expectin’ miracles to happen jus’ cos evry fucker else is playin’ along is a surefire way to SUCCESS NIRVANA! (Leastaways, till mebbe January 21st, when evrythin’ falls apart.)

Smart says … today is like evry other day … August 18th to April 29th to October 7th to whenevah. It is no more nor no less special than any other day beyond it is my own precious time to be alive an’ act/reflect on how the gifts I bring to the table might benefit myself an’ others — an’ our poor, beleaguered planet.

If’n you real committed ‘bout your life an’ potential, if’n you ain’t here to jus’ idle along an’ fuck around like fodder in sumone else’s stoopid schemes, this kinda daily diligence regardin’ howya wanna be prolly gonna takeya sumplace you want.

Real deal you got right now depends on groundin’ out more on mebbe what don’t feel so snug an’ comfy — askin’ yourself whatchya prepared to do to figure on buildin’ sum real cool shit for yourself come 2020 gonna max out on hardcore benefits if only opportoonity came rollin’ along.

Bcs 2018 is Noo Year AF — an’ Capricornian opportoonity gonna roll hard an’ regular till 2020 like a boulder primed to flatten all opposition.

That clear?

Title Image c/o cocoparisienne @ Pixabay

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What’s Your Best Star Sign Quality?

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2018-03-15T20:00:49+01:00"></span>|Cosmic Roolz, Relationships, Star Sign Shit|0 Comments


What’s your best star sign quality?

I mean really?

Think for a sec ‘bout your most redeemin’ astro attribute — yanno, the one word sumsya up to perfection.

I’m talkin’ here about that one killer quality leaps outta evry horoscope or Zodiac summary an’ makesya scream That Is So Me! That Is So Me! That Is So Me!

Evryone got one such star sign quality, Aries to Pisces.

Evryone loves their bestest plus point, evryone revels in its glow, evryone proudly proclaims their #1 personal attribute as THE REASON for their success an’ total dinkiness in all areasa life — from love to luck to money.

But you wanna know what is weird?

(Cos you been around the block enough times to know astrology is totally fuckin’ lame sumtimes?)

Round back on the other sidea the astro equation you are packin’another star sign quality that is mebbe not so good.

Actschlly, this personality feature is more like a no-holds-barred bummer — sumthin’ real bad, sumthin’ real negative, sumthin’ you would never willingly choose to be onya personal team if’n appeared on a lista options handed out by an angel.

An’ you wanna know what is even weirder?

Your best killer star sign quality an’ your most negative star sign quality are THE SAME FUCKIN’ THING.

Yeah, yeah — I know.

It is crazy. It is lame. It is nuts.

But, hey, listen — I am merely a talented astrologer extraordinaire playin’ conduit for this depressin’ nooz, so plz do not blame Moi for the horrifically cruel naturea the Cosmos.

It’s jus’ how it is, K?

My role here is strictly spillsybeansy.

So lemme talkya through this bizarre astro bummer, star sign by star sign, see if I can make sum sensea celestial energies gone batshit.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Aries

Gotta figure Aries is ambitious.

You got sumthin’ outta reach — always — that is so frickin’ cool an’ smart you gotta have it.

You got big ideas, big desires, big yearnin’ needs — an’ alla the firepower gonna make sureya get it.

Who would not admire ambition — the burnin’ passion for improvement an’ advance an’ progress?

In all things?

From better ways to protect the environment to lacier underwear to adornya tinglydanglies?

I’ll tellya who don’t admire ambition — alla the people picked up on howya are so aggressive.

Cos ambition is not like lyin’ around in the Sun, right?

Kinda … sun appears, you throw on a bikini, you lie down, typea thing.

Nah — for ambition to work, you gotta overcome obstacles.

An’ summa those obstacles are people — or the fruitsa their labors.

These people only admire ambition when it is their own!

You try ambition with those suckers, they gonna say you are pushy.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Taurus

I know how it goes with you guys.

Thereya are, bumblin’ along all moosy cowsy in a touchy feely kinda vibe, daisy pokin’ fromya lips an’ a buncha pies inya knapsack, when suddenly your eyes alight on the word TENACIOUS.

Yeah, cos that is so YOU, right?

Stickin’ it out where fainter hearts give up, stayin’ on task long beyond the calla duty, seein’ shit through to the last.

Tellya, you are such a stubborn cunt.

What is it with you anyhow?

Why’dya haveta dig in alla the time an’ be so goddamn awkward?

Sound familiar?

Gotta love a red rag to a bull, I guess.

People say, “we keep reminding plodsy ol’ Taurus how stubborn they are, for sure they will get sick of our nagging and give up.”

Ha! Like that is ever gonna happen.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Gemini

I would wanna focus on flirty.

Kinda tricky, I know, cos flirty don’t stay still long enough to get fixed by a single eyeball, let alone a co-ordinated pair.

It is like pickin’ out a lone gnat in a cloud an’ stayin’ with it as it buzzes around at random.

Tellya, the Gemini flirty deal is so appealin’cos it merges the twinned cerebral fancya investigation an’ curiosity with performance allure.

But unlike Virgo’s measured experimentin’ an’ Leo’s rehearsed showpersonship, Gemini’s flightiness extends superdeep inside.

In essence, Gemini’s flirty freedoms blossom from uncertainty.

It is a positive uncertainty, for sure — but it is also fickle.

How excitin’ and desirable can all these flightsa fancy be if they are not keepers?

Perhaps Gemini is the true custodiana the moment — Time’s eternal improviser an’ lovera all things.

Or mebbe Gemini is jus’ what evryone says — a jumpy, fickle ditz.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Cancer

C is for Cancer, C is for carin’.

Tellya, that person inya life always collectin’ for whales or blind people … organisin’ charity stuff for bankrupt celebs an’ finless dolphins … hikin’ across the Tundra for giraffes in need an’ malnourished goats — so gotta be Cancer.

Fam an’ friends an’ evry creature they feel belongs in their loop — alla these guys get cared for, protected an’ loved, like they are extra limbs or internal organs.

I so love that suprapersonal wellbein’ ethic Cancer got — a selflessness that is kinda almost benevolently vampiric.

But FFS, quit worryin’ willya?

So Amber’s hamster jus’ died an’ she is real upset, but it ain’t no reason for YOU to bawl 24/7 for a week an’ ring Amber evry five minutes to check she ain’t gonna kill herself or nuthin’.

Point is, carin’ comes natural to Cancer — but that don’t make it easy.

Havin’ deep concern for alla these people … an’ their pets … an’ misflappin’ doves in faraway nightmare regimes … is so drainin’.

Concern’ an’ care must jus’ look funny to those upon whom it is bestowed, I guess.

People say, “you don’t need to worry so much about me, sweetie.”

Oh, but Cancer does.

An’ if she stopped carin’ … an’ worryin’, evryone would feel the loss instantly.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Leo

Thing about Leo is how they are proud.

An’ rightly fuckin’ so.

They say — “here’s what I bring to the situation, along with plenty of positive attitude, and here are some things I done a while back that worked out real good.

What is so wrong in taking pride in being a positive person who deploys their skills with supreme generosity to bring about positive results for all?”

(An’ ifya want more on this Leo vibe, roll on over to HERE.)

I will tellya what is so wrong, Cap’n Pussypants.

You are so darn arrogant, you make me wanna puke.

Sun shines outta your ass, an’ nowan else is good enough — tellya, you’re jus’ flashy, showy, ME ME ME.

Dontchya know how offensive it is to the resta us you strut round the place believin’ you can jus’ show up an’ walk shit?

Tellya, that is real insensitive — an’ the only person you trooly are doin’ positive favors for is YOURSELF.

So, yeah — wherein lyeth the boundary between pride an’ arrogance?

Who decides?

Not you, you selfish fucker!

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Virgo

Gotta figure Virgo is real analytical.

Reason they are so smart, so independent, so practically sorted, is cos they realise life boils down to makin’ the best choices.

An’ by best, I am talkin’ a perpetually movin’ target no other sign nails quite so good.

Virgo sees practical pathways in all things, like evry decision boils down to DO I PRESS THE RED BUTTON OR THE BLUE BUTTON?

One is gonna save the day, one is gonna blowya up — an’ there is no waya knowin’ which is which … unlessya are superanalytical Virgo.

Virgo sees this problem most evryplace, an’ she is quick to choose the best button to press … an’ move on.

What a pernickety asshole!

What a fussy, do-gooder bitch queen!

Prolly people would not get so pissed off if Virgo were to limit her discriminatory acumen to yanno things.

But in Virgo’s grand & incisive scheme, things an’ people are not necessarily independenta one another.


Star Sign Quality Bummer — Libra

Why do we so love havin’ Libra around?

Gotta be that massively pumped-up diplomacy they got.

Tellya, you got a psychopath needs talkin’ down from doin’ sumthin’ real bad, pull in a Libran, tool ‘em up with a harmonica, an’ a potentially dangerous situation becomes a date at the movies & maybe pizza & afterwards mebbe I show you my chainsaw collection.

Librans smooth all rough edges, grow friendship outta animosity, build bridges where before there existed only the frosty aira antipathy.

Problem is, Libra is so fuckin’ indecisive.

They are that person holdin’ you up in the store can’t quite decide … should I go for the milk chocolate bunnies or the dark chocolate bunnies? … an’ they have been standin’ there for like TEN FRICKIN’ MINUTES gowin’ … milk chocolate bunnies? dark chocolate bunnies? milk chocolate bunnies? dark chocolate bunnies? milk chocolate bunnies? dark chocolate bunnies? … over an’ over an’ over.

Worst part?

They gotta check with the zillion an’ one fuckin’ psychopaths followin’ ‘em around cos they been too diplomatic to tell ‘em all to PISS OFF.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Scorpio

See, I figured it would be a kinda astro trope to pin down Scorpio as passionate, an’ I was gonna roll with intooitive instead — but scorpions are so frickin’ intense I figured they would lash my ass till all eternity if I made lighta their clear an’ present #1 star sign quality.

So, yeah — Scorpio is withya till the bitter end, be you person, project or belief.

An’ not jus’ in a slavish kinda way — Scorpio passion leads from the front.

It is troo, unequivocal, relentless … so intense, it gonna burn on throughya body an’ spirit, an’ scorch on — undiminished — outtaya asshole.

Thing about Scorpio is … ifya get the deal, an’ you are fully onside, an’ you wanna commit 100% to the ride, you got serious motivational sledgehammer firepower stuffs unmatched mostplace else in the Zodiac.

Any slight misunderstandings, momentary doubts, requests for 0.00001% slack downtime evry third November — an’ you got nuthin’ but srs pain comin’ atchya from outta Scorpio’s GUILT BAZOOKA.

When passion is evrythin’, or it is nuthin’— whooooosh! — this is hella too intense for a lotta people.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Sagittarius

Thing about Sagittarius is how they got such broad horizons.

They been plenty places, met up with all kindsa people, an’ reflected real deep on the chill.

That makes ‘em super filosophical — packin’ a broad rangea inputs an’ figurin’ beyond surface interest to wider perspectives mebbe shared by all mankind.

Beholdin’ this bigger picture, an’ seekin’ always to add depth to its panorama (the better to pull on revelations gonna benefit hoomanity), Sagittarius is forever hungry for knowledge an’ wisdom.

Sadly … also fulla shit.

You ever been crushed into the corner in sum bar by a Sagittarian proclaimin’ what is best forya, then you’ll know close up what a pain in the ass practical philosophy for evryone can be.

Jus’ gotta apologize if said Sagittarian was Moi.

tbh, I have given up dispensin’ wisdom in bars cos although what I got really CAN transform lives for anyone wantsta sit down an’ reflect on my stunningly erudite proclamations, most people jus’ wanna talk ‘bout politics, fashion & football … or ogle my titties.

So these days, I jus’ run out in the street, stripped to the waist, yellin’ shit at random…

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Capricorn

Want anythin’ fixed, go find a Capricorn.

Gonna costya, an’ you gotta persuade ‘em your project is worth their time, but if they say YES, whatchya wanna happen is as good as done.

Why so?

Cos Capricorn is super methodical.

For shit to work out, evrythin’ gotta be done right, an’ in the right order, preferably usin’ the best tools an’ resources to hand.

Think it through, plan it out, tool up an’ make it happen, typea thing.

For Capricorn, alla that motivation, dreamin’, wishin’ an’ resolootion don’t matter for shit less’n you can pull on the lever delivers precisely the resultya seek.

This methodical gift Capricorn got is a virtue fulla value beyond measure.

Also … the main reason why they are such a pain in the ass.

They turn even the most humdrum evryday activity into a military operation.

Hang out with a Capricorn an’ you cannot even randomly poop without bein’ given a fuckin’ lecture.

“The key thing to remember about peristalsis, particularly when it comes to trapped wind, is that the rectal sphincter receives a different kind of physioneural stimulus to when you are about to pass a regular bowel movement, so it’s important to think ahead and watch what you eat, particularly carbohydrate intake — of which there are many kinds, all with their own unique considerations to be borne in mind regarding diet and digestion…”

Tellya, when Cappy is on a Bark Instructions roll, I am more than happy to interpret anythin’ they command as an emergency diktat says I gotta poop in their fuckin’ face.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Aquarius

Alla the keenest quotation meme apps tellya No Man Is An Island.

Forget for a sec how irritatin’ it is to discover mosta the quotations from before mebbe 1995 were so lame in the gender-generous department an’ consider how sooooooo untrue this observation is for most Aquarians.

Tellya, those guys’re so 100% island, they even got frickin’ moats.

Independent an’ totally self-sufficient across the whole hooman endeavor panorama — physical, mental, emotional, spirutyool, sekshoal etc — they are self-contained souls packin’ a higher kinda connection power.

Trooly, they are real people people, fulla genuine concern an’ heart for hoomanity at large.

Jus’ don’t ask ‘em to hang out too personal with like … people.

That would mean they gotta come down offa that invisible levitatin’ cloud they got, an’ quit bein’ so aloof.

It is troo Aquarians got real high minds, an’ mebbe even higher ideals, an’ they gonna go bust out on alla that shit even if evryone else on the planet makes with the spontaneous vaporization deal.

This is independence with an unnervingly alienatin’ feel, an aloofness says how they are considerably specialer beings than evryone else.


Star Sign Quality Bummer — Pisces

Evry Pisces is innately artistic.

Gotta remember here that don’t mean they are all painters cos FFS you ever seen summa their shitto paintings?

I am talkin’ ‘bout how they reside in the world on a metaphorical level, where illusions an’ dreams got voice an’ power gonna transform shit.

Wanna visionary onya team?

Hook up with a Pisces, an’ creativity’s exoticest ever embroidery shall adorn thy workaday panties, tellya

Pisces got a transcendent warmth spills out as compassion, a sixth sense links up all kindsa stuff nowan else can see.

Problem is, fishy types spend mosta their time either asleep on the couch or cunted on cocktails.

An’ when they ain’t spinnin’ visions gonna transform the planet, they are unrealistic an’ totally fuckin’ delooded.

Tellya, you are plannin’ anythin’ gonna actschwlly happen, leave Pisces outta the equation.

They are like that dealya got whenever you wanna buy noo heels.

Try the heels on in the store. Go order for half the price online.

So, yeah, go be inspired by Pisces … let her carry your dreams to a higher plane — then fix up a reality check an’ pull outta doin’ sumthin’ real stoopid.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — The Last Word

Jus’ wanna say, this is no comprehensive analysis I got here.

Neither is it entirely accurate … or even fair.

But I wantchya to figure on the most important message here an’ go draw practical wisdom from my expert cogitationals.

See cos alla the best star sign qualities I mentioned are kinda person-centered — virtues bustin’ outta alla the zodiac signs’ individual asses.

Mosta the negatives I mentioned are what happens when people don’t necessarily likeya show up on the scene an’ mess shit up by havin’ a pointa view boutchya mojo.

You get astrological mismatches squarin’ up to differentiate positive star sign quality from negative, an’ the whole value judgement schwango flies offa the scale.

Taurus meets up with Aquarius an’ for sure the bullish gal is real stubborn an’ the Aquarius guy real aloof.

Same goes for fickle Gemini an’ unrealistic Pisces.

(An’ I got more on this Astro Mismatch Deal as it relates to smoochie an’ romance HERE, btw.)

Point always to remember is how YOU are in full controlla your life, an’ you gotta aim always to fix up the best outta your positive traits, talents an’ abilities.

Only problem you got is how hoomankind is supergenerously multifaceted, an’ any grand statement you wanna make invites an inevitable nemesis or mass dissers.

That is whenya gotta decide what to do beyond natural effusin’.

Prolly that is where mosta the coolest life skills reside — howya temper whatchya got in the facea opposition or criticism.

Whatever … this weird Jekyll & Hyde effect is there for alla us, Aries to Pisces.

Same star sign quality, positive an’ negative, dependin’ on POV.

But don’t jus’ take my word for it — I am, after all, merely a filosophically fulla shit Sagittarian loudmouth don’t give a fuck whatchya think.

Go try it out … thought experiment … see if I am right.

Meantime — why not go checkya monthly horoscope?

It is an endeavor both funky an’ fun!

Title Image c/o Alexas-Fotos @ Pixabay

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