YOUR HANDY DEATH ASTROLOGY CALCULATOR
Astrology is the weirdest thing, tellya.
First, Mother Cosmosis flutters down outta the ether an’ says, “hey Princess — fuck alla them dreamsya got ‘bout bein’ a ballerina! Creation is short on astrologers right now, an’ the excitin’ worlda fortune tellin’ demands a new patsy!”
Next thingya know, reckless weekends spent clubbin’ till dawn suddenly become astro consultation after astro consultation — kinda should I let my Cancer cat pair off with my bestie’s Leo dog?, or I am an Aquarius; am I forever destined to get inside nowan’s frickin’ pants?, or (an’ this is the clincher, 5am, puke swillin’ outta evry john) when will I die, Princess, when will I die, when will I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie?
So, listen up.
I got sum astro epitaphs I ran a while back on my Twitter hangout gonna go sum wayta answerin’ that last question for evryone.
To be honest, I ain’t got no clue when anyone gonna die, least of all Moi, but I figure what follows is mebbe a practical wayta get people to shut the fuck up askin’ stoopid questions when I am tryin’ to imbibe cocktails an’ stay on my feet.
Plus, I am on holiday an’ too frickin’ lazy to generate noo content.
So you gotta thinka this not as a rock-solid augury or prediction sesh but more like a Death Astrology Calculator.
You check in, you calculate, you figure onya death prose.
So, c’mon — Zodiac, whenya ass is fried an’ no more juice slooshes outtaya tinglydanglies, what you gonna find onya tombstone for an epitaph?
Wanna calculate that outcome with Moi?
Oh — You Mean Like The Scene In The Muppet Christmas Carol Where The Third Spirit Reveals Scrooge’s Demise?
FFS — no way!
I am playin’ this one for laughs.
That is why it is called a Death Astrology Calculator.
Coolest thing: Calculator works real easy.
Almost like a … uhm … picture gallery.
You simply selectya star sign … check outya epitaph … then mebbe move on see what is happnin’ this month inya horoscope, jus’ in case today is your last.
Die-hard astro-aficionados may even wanna consult my Handy Horoscope Checklist tellsya HOW to do alla that bonin’ up onya stars deal in a manner both practical an’ illuminatin’.
I figure this is mebbe a wise wayta spend five minutes right now.
After all, there ain’t much else happnin’ on the internets beyond imminent nooclear armageddon an’ sum fuckin’ lame giraffe…
Title Image c/o Total Frickin’ Mystery Person @ Pixabay
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Hey, I wanna be a generous person an’ credit alla the images I use — an’ this photographer’s collection gotta be onea the best I seen so far.