<span class="sdata" title="15"></span> <span class="sdata" title="05, 2018"></span>

Your Handy URANUS IN TAURUS Transit Primer 2018

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-05-15T10:26:02+00:00"></span> |Astro Narrative Rompo, Creativity, Savin' The Cosmos, Taurus, Uranus|0 Comments

YOUR HANDY

URANUS IN TAURUS TRANSIT PRIMER 2018

Is the 2018 Uranus in Taurus transit the BIG ONE?

Yanno … an astrological wiener so colossal no boxers can contain it?

Even before we get our hands on it an’ play around with its potentialities as they firm up before our eyes?

tbh, I think so.

Which means we are fortunate, you an’ Moi.

Cos we livin’ through a time packin’ real change — a way better scenario than suffocatin’ to death beneath no cardboard mleh comfort blanket Nirvana.

Gotta figure the Uranus in Taurus transit phenomenaaahn pulls on the change lever for three key reasons.

1) Gonna last till 2026.

Uranus is a slow-movin’ outer planet an’ its effects grow an’ manifest over time, slowly sweepin’ away whatever went on before.

So mebbe think ‘bout a mockin’ bird.

You get a mockin’ bird as an egg, you can train her up to sing anythin’ you wanna — soulful indie, ancient O Irish ballads, religious zealotry maxin’ on pomp — but 7-8 years later she gonna be dead, an’ you gotta go buy another mockin’ bird.

Right now, we switchin’ out a repertoire-rich-but-dead Aries bird for an egg got bull horns burstin’ outta it whose playlist we gotta learn up from scratch — assoomin’ the bird gonna play ball.

2) Uranus and Taurus Don’t See Eye To Eye

Key deal here is disruption vs stability.

Uranus packs a reflex says UPSET THE APPLE CART; Taurus wants to pile up the apples one by one, countin’ ‘em as she goes, till they are all safe an’ stable in the cart like a kinda apple mountain (less’n she eats ‘em first with a buncha cream & syrup, mebbe a coupla hundred burgers big as frickin’ scatter cushions).

As astrological unions go, this means an awkward compromise at best an’ one-sided dom at worst.

For sure it is an erratic an’ unpredictable vibe — an’ not one we gonna accommodate easily jus’ cos it goes on for so long.

(The opposite situation is when a planet comes home to roost in its own sign and its energies can be tapped to perfection — a situation like the current Saturn in Capricorn scenario which I know for a fact evrywan is enjoyin’ so, so very much.)

3) Uranus bcs

Anythin’ involvin’ Uranus maxes out on the erratic change deal by default.

Here’s the math …

Take the Uranus outta Uranus in Taurus … an’ you jus’ got Taurus.

An’ what use would it be if planet Oith relied on purdy lookin’ moo cows alone?

Eatin’ pizza at one end, poopin out liquid fertilizer at the other, an’ slowly growin’ the place into a verdant paradise gonna make the Utopian Gaia vision look ecologically pure as pressed orange juice sum alien cephalopod cyborg peed in?

(Actschwlly, this vision sounds mebbe not so bad rn whenya consider the zillion ways hoomankind be trashin’ the place with its eco-harmin’ tech an’ plastic, but even Paradise cannot persist in stasis an’ evrythin’ needs a poke in the ass from time to time.)

Fact is, Uranus loves nuthin’ more than to initiate disruption jus’ to see what happens, an’ in Taurus, it found a real cosy home where it can inflict max possible damage.

So, listen — we in for an excitin’ ride.

I would wanna suggest how Taurus an’ Scorpio gonna be the signs most affected by the Uranus in Taurus transit, followed by Aquarius (cos Uranus rules over the water bearer’s domain) an’ Leo (cos she the 4th fixed sign in the groop gonna be buffeted in the maelstrom) … then evryfucker else.

But let’s be clear here — like the already up-&-runnin’ Saturn in Capricorn vibe (*bliss*), Uranus in Taurus is a distinct astrological epoch gonna make its mark an’ lay down tracks for all eternity.

The Aries-to-Taurus switchout is a major shifta gear on an Unconvention Machine gonna inflooence our loyalties an’ loosen up our firm convictions in a whole buncha areas in our Lifestyle Array.

So here’s my top 5 pointers to how evrywan can maximise their opportoonities in this bright noo epoch …

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 — Blessin’ in Disguise #1

You May Not be Holy Butchya Sure Can Be Verdant

Ain’t so long ago that nowan recycled nuthin’ an’ raw waste got poured into rivers without a care.

Now we all super diligent in so many small ways an’ we seein’ ecological improvements roll out before our eyes — from our neighborhoods through to the wider world.

Tellya, we are so darn green it is like we are Groot — an’ we can feel proud we done great things to reverse environmental catastrophe.

Thing is, we the first generations to think real serious ‘bout these ishoos from a global perspective, an’ what Uranus in Taurus gonna reveal is how we been real fuckin’ feeble.

Jus’ cos we all pack energy-friendly light bulbs an’ don’t flush our tampons directly down the toilet to avoid killin’ baby seals don’t mean we ain’t still headed toward the Abyss.

So we gonna see a big time environmental step-up here — an’ we gonna discover ourselves more zest to make it happen.

This means plenty noo tech got pro-environmental smarts built in — a Uranian revolution that delivers the tools we need to quit poisonin’ the world to death.

Could this revolution begin with YOU?

Depends on howya view the Uranian vibe.

Sumtimes, Uranus plays the eccentric inventor, an’ one bright spark summons miracles from outta seemin’ vapor.

Other times, Uranus harnesses a global movement benefits the common person — an’ I figure we gonna see way more shit operatin’ on this kinda ticket.

Crowdfunded pressure groups packin’ PRO- ‘steada ANTI- agendas — with real power to create news an’ effect change, ‘speshly regardin’ planetary greenness.

We been told for too long by the guys with the money that money don’t grow outta the ground — yet these are so often the self-servin’ bastards who plunder the Earth an’ its resources like they were in infinite supply.

Whatevah you wanna call that deal (an’ I would recommend “Plain Stoopid”), Uranus in Taurus says TIME’S UP.

So, c’mon — ‘fess up fronta the mirror how your planet-lovin’ prowess be kinda feeble — an’ go help fix up sum verdant-powered, green-conscious initiative sumplace.

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 — Blessin’ in Disguise #2

What A Great Time To Be a Nipple Attached To a Sensorium

Can’t look in on no Uranus in Taurus transit for too long without talkin’ boobies — an’ tinglydanglies in general.

Anywan made sweet amour with a Taurus knows they be tactile frickin’ rocket fuel.

You wanna feel wanted, loved, cherished, pampered, blown away downstairs — hook up with a Taurus.

For sure any Uranian revolution in the blendyjuicy department got robot sex written all over it, but that is the creepy extreme to the forthcomin’ vibe.

An’ natchrlly we gonna discover excitin’ noo ways to make with the Intimate Pleasure deal, even though we already done evry Yoga posture allows two people to lick each other’s assholes without breakin’ their frickin’ arms.

For Moi, the bold noo Uranian deal gonna feature a kinda earnest communion.

Gender flooidity means we got more waysa meetin’ up an’ makin out beyond whether we doin’ a handstand while our partner brings us off with their ears.

For all their differences, the Uranian an’ Taurean vibes got their own particular integrity, an’ I figure the interpersonal tenderness needed to trooly hit on an excited an’ pampered nipple gonna receive a real boost as people engage with one another on an adventurously honest level means they free to express their unique integrity.

So, yeah, we gonna see robots packin’ all kindsa rotatin’ cunny stimulators, but also a whole buncha beautifully decloaked individyools makin’ out more open an’ sweet, wherever their union finds ‘em on the gender plateau.

Starts May 15th, so go make with the authentically zappy Frenchies Nouveaux

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 — Blessin’ in Disguise #3

From The Financial Wreckage Shall a More Salient Point About Value & Exchange Spring Like a Christmas Cracker Froggy

This is prolly the feature you expectin’ to see in this kinda article.

Taurus got plenty to say ‘bout finance, so natchrlly the erratic Uranus inflooence means alla the world’s money houses be damned an’ the fyooture gonna run on Bitcoin, kinda thing.

But I would wanna look in on Taurus as a Zodiac packs real insight ‘bout VALUE an’ the one-to-one protocols governin’ fair exchange.

Finance is but one exchange mechanism packs this deal — an’ for sure it is in for a revoolution gonna make the process easier an’ fairer — but filthy lucre is not the enda the story.

In our small ways, we meet an’ greet on all kindsa levels an’ exchange all kindsa personstuffs.

We would wanna be fair an ‘ considerate, but sumtimes we ain’t — an’ our unconsciously one-sided behavior has consequences.

(If we wilfully that way, shame on us, I guess.)

Gotta think here ‘bout the classic “Undervalued Taurus” — sulkin’ away in the corner with an expression like she been slapped in the face with a dead frickin’ toona fish bcs nowan complemented her on her cookin’.

Way I see it, same way as Uranus in Taurus means we gonna wish for a more trooly verdant planet, we also gonna look in more generous on the offers people make to the world.

Startups … based on individyool talents an’ skills unlocked … destined to power up the world with noo smarts … an’ generate noo ways to thank people for what they got — this is what is comin’.

For sure, finance in all its evolvin’ forms will help run the show — but the key transaction gonna be value an’ talent harnessed anew (which for Moi mebbe means chargin’ for astrological readings plus a free ankle & ear lobe massage in pizza or tights.)

Like Jesse J said, it ain’t all about the money — an’ let’s face it, that was years ago before most people saw Uranus in Taurus comin’.

So please be ready to value the people in your life with more earnestness an’ vison.

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 — Blessin’ in Disguise #4

Your New Personal Philosophy Jus’ Trashed Your Old Identity

I got a feelin’ permanence gonna become more flooid — an’ this mebbe gonna make more sense to anywan keeps a journal, operates a personal manifesto or introspects till their hairdo periodically retracts into their skull for a reboot.

We all got ideas an’ thoughts about ourselves kinda grow an’ change through time.

If that weren’t the deal, prolly we would all be wasps.

Summa us flux an’ change all over, others remain broadly steady, but for eacha us — fixed to mutable to cardinal … Aries to Pisces — there is an idea we got ‘bout havin’ a personal CORE.

Take Susie Drivelshitter from Texas, for example.

She a Gemini got green hair now ‘steada purple, an’ she ridin’ motorcycles ‘steada horses.

Her temper is more even than mebbe 5 years ago, but she also way more stressed.

But hey, good ol’ Susie Drivelshitter still talks a loada crap — an’ she knows it.

Take the drivel shit outta the Susie … an’ she kinda ceases to exist.

We all got a CORE like that — a whole buncha essentialstuffs we recognise intimately as excloosively US.

As Uranus bulldozes its sparky all over Taurus, this CORE gonna receive temptin’ invitations to bend & twist — an’ I phrase that in a more positive way than sayin’ sumthin’ like we gonna discover heart & soul under siege cos I don’t want nowan runnin’ for the hills cos they fear the next 8 years gonna screw ‘em outta their personal existence.

It will only feel like that occasionally — like mebbe evry Toosday … and mosta Wednesday to Monday.

An’ mebbe the positive way to view this … ahemfundamental CORE review is to figure on how the smartest buncha solootions hoomankind gonna discover ain’t happened yet.

See, cos the fyooture always depends on shit turnin’ out different.

So imagine how cheated you gonna be in 2026 whenya CORE is 100% Same Old Same Old as it is today.

Might the changes you never saw be entirely dependent on this stubborn ol’ CORE immutability?

Two ways to look at this, I guess.

From a purely disruptive perspective, Uranus in Taurus opens up the possibility for a total personal revolootion where we willingly embrace transformation in our personal CORE beyond what we would ordinarily have tolerated or believed — an’ we do so despite the shocks because we desire a noo an’ authentic freedom.

Alternatively, we gotta remember how disruption is so very often an illoominatin’ change in our pointa view — in which case, our CORE might come through the Uranian blender in one integrity-packin’ piece, only this time we appreciate its value in novel ways open up opportoonities for change we previously could not see.

Alternatively, Uranus gonna take us all by surprise like the mid-coitus sudden finger up the pooper.

Whatever happens, be ready to look in on essential growth-propulsin’ maintenance to your CORE an’ accept the enhancements with gratitood an’ not too much writhin’ around on the floor screamin’ your tits off.

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 — Blessin’ in Disguise #5

Dropdead Donuts

Can’t ever talk ‘bout Taurus for too long without mentionin’ donuts.

See, cos for alla her colossal work ethic an’ values-driven diligence, Taurus is merely a pleasure-seekin’ sensationbeest wantsta stuff infinite YUMMIES down her throat.

An’ by donuts, I mean the bagel kind — yanno, the ones with the holes in the center?

Tellya, those kindsa donuts are the real Taurean deal.

Sit Taurus down at the dinner table with that kinda donut, an’ as she is consoomin’ it like a black hole devours stars, she mebbe say sumthin’ like, “I understand how everyone figures we Taureans eat way too much food — but look here at this donut with NOTHING at its center! In my own sweet way, I am almost fasting as I eat — just think of all the carbs I am denying myself thanks to this enormous vacuum in my lunch space.”

Course, the bigger the central hole, the bigger the donut diameter — butchya must never point that out to got-the-food-deal-sorted ol’ Taurus.

So what does this all mean?

I figure two major developments.

Truth about the donut with the hole in the center is how plenty people in the world got access to the donut part where others merely got the hole.

World gotta eat, an’ right now it fuckin’ don’t — an’ like the deal we got with cleanin’ the place up so we can all prosper in a verdant haven stimulates us to generate cool shit, we gotta get way smarter ‘bout invitin’ evrywan along to the eats.

Jus’ ain’t good enough no more for those packin’ the donut parta the donuts to say, “we trooly sorry yallz live sumplace too hot an’ dry to make food production a doozy, an’ for sure we’d inviteya all over to ours for a serious party, only we closin’ our borders to your kinda people, so here’s a buncha old clothes we don’t want no more, mebbe you can make ‘em into soup or sumthin’”

Lookin’ around the world to the places don’ got too many 24 hour burger joints vomitin’ garbage, I see plenty honorary Taureans real protective ‘bout their place an’ their culture who value their environment as home despite alla its hardships.

An’ I also see plenty honorary Uranians loadin’ up their cashier-free superstores with impossibly fancy Zero Effort food nowan wants whose essential narrative is … I get prodooced at vast expense … I sit on the shelf at vast expense … only to be thrown in the trash at great expense.

Tellya, we got a real imbalance regardin’ eats demands a revolootionry kick in the teeth — an’ the Uranus in Taurus energy is perfectly suited to gettin’ stuck in on this kinda global ishoo.

Values, essentials, all the world’s hoomans — an’ a smarter solootion than ever wider donuts with glarin’ holes in the center.

Truth is, food is a person-maker, an’ without it, you don’t got no fuckin’ persons.

It is a universal truth — so please be more universally considerate whenya stuffin’ your face.

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 —
Concloosion Accordin’ To Moi

So thereya have it — five killer ways the Uranus in Taurus transit gonna impact positively on alla our lives despite the potentially alarmin’ growin’ pains gotta be negotiated along the way.

It is a disruptive energy let loose, for sure — coupla vibes don’t sit real easy together nonetheless makin’ with the combinatorial creativity deal best they can.

Broad narrative gonna look in on how change is a permanent fixture in our lives an’ how our CORE life essentials can mebbe mutate into smarter noo versionsa ‘emselves an’ transform integrity into an evolvin’ rather than conservative force.

An’ if’n that sounds too high-falutin’ or aspirationally speculative, gotta remember how any such change or permanence-in-flux stuffs gonna be felt real close up.

For Moi, that is the real dynamic.

So much about Uranus is sparkiness zammin’ faroff — a disconnected kinda wizardry.

Contrast that vibe with the immediate sensual hit Taurus values — evrythin’ from perfect pasta to rockin’ art to the warmest hug ever — an’ it is clear we got a bizarro kinda mismatch gonna shake shit up on evry level from the intelletyool to the evryday an’ practical.

But this great opportoonity we got to pool sweet an’ smart as global hoomans ain’t no kinda magic gonna happen jus’ cos the planets swung round all dinky.

We gotta shape alla this shit ourselves — decide we gonna take advantage durin’ the 8 years this once-in-a-lifetime panorama be ours to re-envisage.

So plz look in on howya directly impact on your world an’ the people in it.

What kinda tangible phenomenon movin’ through time & space areya, anyways?

An’ whatchyoo gonna do to elevate the deal we all got gowin’ down?

Gotta figure substantial change don’t start from anyplace else than this — person by person, planetwide.

Be in no doubt, Sweeties, Uranus in Taurus gonna pull the mess & bless deal withya Mojo …

Title Image c/o 41330 @ Pixabay

Tellya, you wanna look in on plenty GREEN imagry & feel soothed downta your soul, go check these real neat photographs.

Spread the love, slip in the bookmark, mix up the linky.

<span class="sdata" title="22"></span> <span class="sdata" title="11, 2017"></span>

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-11-22T11:55:36+00:00"></span> |Choice, Fire Signs, Motivation, Practical Astrology, Sagittarius|0 Comments

SAGITTARIUS SEASON DATES ADVENTURE

Wanna know why Sagittarius Season dates adventure?

Aw, see — cos evry millisecond counts … right from the first bombasm momentsa Centaur Romp come firin’ up outta November 22nd to the pre-Christmas ‘danglin’ from the rafters withya titties hangin’ out’ bonhomie-kinda-horseplay precedes the Capricornian Doom Balloon launch on December 22nd … an’ evry single millisecond demands exhilaration lest lamenessa sprit an’ stuckonessa brain rob life’s delisho sweetness fromya like bandits creepin’ onto the setta sum cowboy movie an’ makin’ off with the horses, the hats, the pistols, the whips, the poker cards, the whisky, the rickety town, the bad guys, the lame mules … an’ alla the fuckin’ cowboys.

Tellya, Sagittarian milliseconds hurl ‘emselves at action … can’t stop ‘emselves … an’ flesh an’ blood an’ soul an’ spirit an’ ass kinda get sucked on along in the temporal whirlpool.

It is like bein’ on a perpetyool date with The Beyond.

Problem is — what ‘bout resta the Zodiacs?

How they gonna max out on this wildly rompolicious hoss-themed pseudo-epoch?

Pray Tell Us, O Princess! Lay Bare Your “Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure” Secrets!

K, so I ran a feature a while back on how non-Leo Zodiacs could max out on the Leo vibe (yanno, back in the Summer, when we all had such fun with the Solar Eclipse an’ shit?), an’ I figured I would lead with sumthin’ similar this time round.

So what I got here is a 5-point primer to the best stuff Sagittarius Season got on offer that evryone can tap into, they wanna.

Thinka it like you gowin’ on 5 consecutive dates.

Ooh ooh — yeah, picture a bar … or a beach.

You got Sun onya hair, sand atchya feet, weirdsy cartoon crustaceans dancin’ onya toenails … or ifya runnin’ with the beach scenario, mebbe there are cocktails an’ olive-rich nibbles in a decorative bowl.

Anyways, 5 srsly Sagittarian vibes gonna come along an’ sweepya offya feet whileya are chillin’.

So … jus’ take a sec to shutya eyes an’ imagine that bar or beach scenario … or whatever vista takesya fancy (but not jus’ yet or howya gonna read the next part?)

The air fills with humongously gregarious whinnyin’!

You hear hooves poundin’ (even ifya are on a beach or swimmin’ in the sea, cos celestial stagehands jus’ laid on a phantom cakewalk) … an’ horsey odors swell deep inya nostrils as the first swishy tail swats onya cheek like the whippa sum dominatrix warmin’ up her tassles…

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — Match #1

Brute Wanderlust On A Roll

Gotta figure Sagittarius is never stuck.

As a mutable sign, we got big time roamsies an’ do not wishta be tied down — less’n it is onea them gal in flouncy apparel chained to a railtrack cosplay scenarios, in which case plz can I also have a guy playin’ pianer for extra melodrama?

Parta that unstuckiness comes from the rebellious streak we got says I do not care for boundaries — butchya gotta figure here how this upstartishness differs massively from the Aquarian Uranian disruption-for the-hella-it deal.

Sajjo is ruled by Joopiter — the so-called Mr Expansive Astro-wiener — an’ so the rebellion we got is more exploratory … more plain jus’ seekin’ growth an’ wisdom.

So, askya self — what boundaries I got in my life?

An’ why is it I cannot … or will not … strike out beyond ‘em?

See, cos Sagittarian wanderlust got way more to offer than rompin’ round a forest in the buff.

Prolly that is jus’ a stock astrological story, yanno, how Sagittarius Season meansya gotta book a holiday or visit a zoo fulla sportsy animals.

Like it or not, Beyond is whereya gotta grow into, where’er an’ whate’er it be — or isya plan to ossify … tread the same steps till the enda your days?

Gotta figure here how intentional steppin’ out into the Beyond is way preferable to havin’ the Beyond thrust uponya by outside forces unknown.

So your fist Sagittarius Season Adventure Date is with brute wanderlust on a roll — beyond boundaries mebbe feel like permanent fixtures.

So free up, step out, challenge yourself to wander.

Noo place, noo TV show, noo author, noo experience, noo friend.

You got mobility an’ you got smarts — so go test sum boundaries, fulla exploratory generosity … an’ see what noo experiences touch sweet onya mojo.

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — Match #2

IYF Filosophical BS

Plenty other Zodiacs compartmentalize their thinkin’.

They got one setta rules for dealin’ with people, another setta rules for copin’ with demandin’ days, an’ still further rules for pluckin’ fecal bobbles offa their pet stick insect’s ass.

For Sagittarius, evrythin’ is entwined together … sumhow.

In a Cosmos held together as a definable entity (even though it is infinite an’ prolly bustin’ with weirdsy aliens), gotta figure on sum unifyin’ shit be gowin’ down.

Shrink that idea to the hooman Cosmos, an’ there gotta be forces behind alla the stuff unites an’ divides us.

Point I’m gettin’ at here is how Sagittarians got real passion for the big idea.

I’m not thinkin’ necessarily original here (like mebbe Aries), nor clever (like Gemini or Virgo) — but jus’ some vast, all-encompassin’, superJovian concept got dominion over broader ishoos than, say, most pizzas are circular but some stores also sell square ones.

So … ask yourself — you got any real big ideas?

Yanno, monsters?

Shit so wacko stoopid you can barely admit to yourself that you was the one thunk the fucker up?

K, so that is your honorary Sagittarian Filosophical BS.

For this second Sagittarius Season Adventure Date, go find sum random person in the mall … or in a bar … or inya class … an make with the IYF proclamations.

To hell with logical structure, consistency, narrative — or evenya fuckin’ reputation — jus’ give that monster filosophical idea sum Out Loud Up Front airtime, full swagger.

Power through, start to finish, no pausin’ for breath, tillya captive audience got zero escape options beyond dyin’ or peein’ their pants.

Gotta big idea, you gotta feel the zeal from the inside, tellya.

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — Match #3

Lusty Experimental Sex

Prolly this one gonna cause sum trouble on a practical level less’n we tread real careful.

I don’t want nowan comin’ on all lusty on the bus cos Princess Balestra said I gotta — so for this Sagittarius Season Adventure Date prolly we gotta fix up sumthin’ for those quieter moments when *ahem* lusty experimental sex features a phantom partner … or groop.

Happens, right?

Mebbe you workin’, or cruisin’ the net … or cookin’, or chillin’ out all yogically serene — when suddenly the Friskiness Alarm goes off inya Prime Tinglydangly Area.

Gotta bringya self off or kill sum fucker, right? — an’ I would ask here, this musculoskeletogenital workout gonna be Same Old Same Old?

Tried an’ trusted favorites been pullin’ on the cum sinceya hormonally teened the heck on up outta Kiddyland?

An’ doesya phantom lover always gotta be Benedict Cumberbatch?

Wearin’ a cape … an’ leather pants … smokin’ a cigar … *dear sweet Jesus*.

See cos this quiet time mebbe jus’ another way you got stuck — a routine setta self-pleasurin’ strategies you kinda flit between like butterflies hittin’ on limited flora opportoonities in a butterflyarium.

For this third Sagittarius Season Adventure Date, prolly you gotta try sumthin’ different, even if it don’t work out.

Ifya are cucumber, mebbe try zucchini … ifya are feathers, mebbe try paintbrush an’ molasses … ifya are fast tillya skin peels off, mebbe try slower thanya ever gone before.

I would wanna suggest how this deeply personal time (even ifya got Matt Damon, Tom Hiddleston an’ Scarlett Johansson along for the ride, jus’ to bring out the best in the sublimely tethered Cumberbatch) is trooly a comfort zone.

C’mon, cosya only do it to feel real yummo, right?

But yet again, we see boundaries an’ a weird kinda limitin’ formality — less’n you strike out sumplace noo with exploratory determination.

So mebbe get plannin’ for that next rendez-vous with spontaneous horno.

Pack a bag fulla essentials, same asya do resta the time.

Chili pickle don’t work out, you can always eat it…

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — Match #4

Think So Positive That Capricorns Can’t Stop ‘Emselves From Attackin’ You

Aw, c’mon — cos we Sagittarians are such optimists, right?

Always a smile, always a laugh, always a cheery demeanor gonna pluck upya spirits!

Tbh sumtimes I figure evryone believes we are free from misery an’ torment, like pain an’ sadness bypassed our lives so we could go motivate the Totally Frickin’ Blighted.

But such an existence would transform us into bigger monsters than we already are.

You mean … that loudmouth bragger packing the bullshit never experiences sadness as they cavort the place in those badly co-ordinated multi-rainbow “outfits”?

Thing is, negative stuff sucksya in if’n you let it — an’ the loudest voice you got yellin’ it IYF — frank an’ true, like there ain’t no escape — is YOU.

We all got pain an’ sadness, an’ we all got The Voice.

An’ the worst part is … we listen in regular an’ hang on evry word.

So for my 4th Sagittarius Season Adventure Date suggestion, I would wanna figure on a choice — some space to disagree with your inner voice’s fixed proclamations ‘bout your own demise.

She says, I’m ugly … you gotta have it out with her.

She says, I’m useless at singin’ … you gotta show her what you got.

She says, I’m crazy to be bringing myself off with a banana while skydivin’ … prolly you already applyin’ the kinda Sagittarian wisdom I been talkin’ ‘bout so far. Ha!

Point is, you gotta step outside that pessimistic narrative stuff an’ fix up a smarter IRL story or you gonna shrinkya life from the inside before any enemies come kickin’.

No place is more confinin’ an’ stiflin’ than the gruesum corner we force ourselves to stand in sumtimes.

Nowan says we gotta go there, nowan leads us there in shackles — we walk willingly an’ forlornly to a prison we built ourselves, an’ we self-incarcerate for hours or days or weeks, feedback loopin’ the fuck outta our life chances by toonin’ in to stuff ain’t never gonna help us.

Like you, I got purely selfish reasons for haulin’ myself outta that place with Optimism’s twinkliest lasso.

But cos I got alla these stoopid Sagittarian ideas ‘bout hoomanity in kinda general, I would want always to throw on the pancake makeup … even when my heart bleeds … jus’ in case the person I got right in fronta me is secretly stuck in their own self-inflicted corner an’ can’t break free.

If’n they especially lucky, I might jus’ come on so effusively OTT I am a fuckin’ embarrassment.

See cos that old line — there is always someone worse off than yourself — is so monstrously transformative when placed in the wrong hands.

Tbh, I lost counta the times I been so tastelessly ghastly with my IYF Uberglee I could compel even the most miserable wretch to take big time steps up the Self-worth Ladder.

Gee, I may be a lousy sister — but at least I ain’t Beyond Fucking Unbearable like Ms Shoutytits here…

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — Match #5

Lights! Centaur! Action!

Gotta love how the Zodiac packs a real neat menagerie.

Las’ time Mother Cosmosis stopped by my apartment to check I was eatin’ proper, we got to discussin’ Zodiac beests over a chilled Smirnoff concoction I threw together.

“So why no duckies or giraffes?” I said.

M.C. flashed onea her as I explain this with the linguistic sidea my brain, I am also scramblin’ for an excuse to vamoose, usin’ the stage magician’s assistant chained up in a box parta my brain expressions. “Personally, I blame the very first astrologers. What they had in the heavens was a deliciously sophisticated Rorschach test — a tremendous opportunity for rendering imaginary undersea cuttlefish or off-the-scale-crazy marsupials from patterns in the stars. Problem they had was that most of the planet’s more exotic species had yet to be discovered, so they were limited to familiar creatures in their everyday surroundings.”

“Like half-horse half-mule hybrids or aquagoats clearly gonna be snuffed by most any habitat?”

“Ah … that was my suggestion,” said M.C., leanin’ back on my dolphin cushion flea market bargain. “ If memory serves me correctly, there was a call for ducks and giraffes, just like you suggested — along with dogs, pigs and pythons. In the latter case, I told these fledgling astrologers straight out that a python would represent the ultimate in uncreative expression because anyone could draw innumerable wiggly lines through a map of the stars and call each of them any kind of snake—”

“Fuck Moi! That is so not science!

“To be perfectly frank, I consider the Sagittarius and Capricorn animals to be some of my finest ever creations.”

Ha! Gotta love an entreprenoor, I guess.

With that remark, Mother Cosmosis finished her drink an’ fucked off round backa Plooto.

Point is, prolly a centaur is the most apt beest any Sagittarian could wish for to be — ‘specially durin’ the Sajjo Centaur Rompfest!

We got energy, fantasy kudos, immodestly sporsty musculature, shitloadsa energy, great-lookin’ schlongs & boobies — an’ a sublimely beautiful metaphorical weapon.

(No time to go inta alla that stuff right here, butchya can check this one out over at Sagittarian Firepower, u wanna.)

So, listen — final parta my Sagittarius Season Adventure Date pulls in pseudo-cosplay, defo roleplay, an’ a hinta shamanic tradition — not to mention blatant whinnyin’ at considerable volume if you so desire.

Prolly you gotta fix up sum superprivate quiet time whenya ain’t either meditatin’, writin’, sleepin’, dreamin’ or rubbin’ your cunnyflaps to submission with a shoe.

For costoom, no need to go to a hire store — jus’ pull down a drape an’ cut it all to horsey tail ribbons before attachin’ it to your butt with duct tape.

Then you gotta sit real still.

Breathe in the super fresh air, feel the Sun beatin’ down onya naked body (oh yeah, I forgot to mention — strip down to zilcho before you make with the tail), an’ soak up the spirita nature asya shutya eyes an’ journey far to Guided Meditation Centaur Rompo Forest Land.

(For meditative tips, try my Stillness For The Volatile article — I wrote it out for vigorous Fire types can’t get no peace, so it may be especially helpful here whileya chill out an’ summon your Inner Centaur.)

Feel on that centaur body, that centaur persona.

Use evry imaginative smart you got to ask … what that be like? What I say if’n I had that kinda voice?

Then for mebbe five minnows, go check out this curious place where you discover yourself to be.

This space fulla Amber’s books or Zack’s football stuffs — or whoever is this stranger you jus’ encountered.

Speak aloud, anythin’ u wanna — it is only Centaurstuffs, to yourself, same as ever.

Ask questions, speculate on answers, mebbe even cavort robustly.

Main deal — let the spontaneous dialog you have with this mysterious stranger flow free as it wantsta.

Who cares if’n you cuss or say stoopid stuff?

An’ when the 5 minnows is done, go find a mirror.

Watch as the outered imaginary inner centaur morphs into your actyool Zodiac beest (an’ if’n you already a Sagittarian, mebbe switch sex an’ rework your hair) … an’ keep talkin’.

(Sumplace in my Regular Monthly Horoscopes I conferred Honorary Duck Status on Librans cos they got no weirdsy animal out front — so you guys’re covered for this parta the shamanic revelation.)

Now head back to those familiar books or football stuffs … or whatever you got.

Sit with ‘em a while, lay back an’ take in your space — as a lion, crab, scorpion, bull or duck — an’ take ownership.

Your life springs out Eternal from the present moment, always.

An’ right now, it is Sagittarius Season kinda Here & Now.

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — The Hands-On Climax

So thereya have it — Sagittarius Season smarts most anywan can pull on.

For sure, we Sajjos got many more attribyoots, an’ prolly other astrology people elsewhere on the internets got a take on what is most important.

Such a shame mosta ‘em got the fucker wrong.

(I dunno, mebbe they jus’ bangin’ on ‘bout good-natured Sagittarian humor.)

Point is, wanna pass on practical shit gonna mebbe dinky upya life.

As we plummet toward Oblivion on this haplessly evolvin’ rock, gotta figure a little costoomed roleplay an’ jackin’ off advice goes a long way.

So go do sumthin’ real special with Sagittarius Season, be ye courageous Lion, scintillatin’ Twinno, or perfectly balanced Mallard.

Adventurous energies bustin’ with optimistic brio gotchya back with real enthoosiasm rn, Sweetie!

Title Image c/o ZERIG @Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="6"></span> <span class="sdata" title="03, 2017"></span>

The Astrology Compatibility Mindfuckola

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-04-08T13:50:06+00:00"></span> |Blendyjuicy, Choice, Cosmic Roolz, Fate, Relationships, Washing Machine|0 Comments

In the wild an’ wacky worlda astrology, compatibility is the darnedest hot potater, tellya.

Alla that schwango about surefire an’ pre-ordained waysta bag the PERFECT soulmate for the PERFECT life with PERFECT you — is it really true?

Is it really gonna work?

More specifically, are alla those astrological mismatches doomedta fail?

Aw Gosh, I Hope Not! I Am In Such A Mismatch Relationship — And It Is Bliss! Please Don’t Tell Me I’m Being Delusional!

Tellya, textbook astrology compatibility scenarios orbit the internets, their dream solutions lit up by the twinklea the prediction-packin’ STARS.

Aries, you got Leo an’ Sagittarius — for fully flamed on love an’ adventure gonna rock out on verve an’ action.

An’ Taurus, you got Virgo an’ Capricorn — for a long term power duet fulla stability an’ trust gonna lastya.

Gemini, Libra an’ Aquarius can mix an’ match in infinitely intellect-tinglin’ ways, with plentya options for spicin’ up blendyjuicy’s boudoir.

An’ for full-on romance, spirityool bondin’ an’ tenderness, Cancer, Scorpio an’ Pisces make out in mebbe true love’s most expansive aquarium/desert area.

Leastaways, that is the kinda stuff I wrote out in my forthcomin’ Handy Astro Guides — an’ I got no desireta diss my own predictive fortune-dishin’ prowessitude aheada their release.

Hey! Quit Trying To Sell Shit Don’t Exist Yet, Princess! What Do You Think You Are — A Fucking Astrologer?

Hey — I dance an’ do yoga also, so go pick on sumone elseta rideya trope-assed one-trick pony round the Limited Talents theme park.

Point is, while these cosy, ‘single element’ matchups inviteyata tie up their fated certainties all sweet with a big ole booby doo ribbon — an’ even srsly mutant relationships like Taurus-Pisces an’ Gemini-Aries got cool link-up potential — the implication seemsta be that certain other combinations are kinda fuckoed from the outset, an’ ifya are stoopid beyond stoopid enoughta step out in such a maligned direction seekin’ eternal happiness an’ romance, the evil spirits patrollin’ the negative enda Fate’s spectrum gonna pee in a bucket bigger’n Saturn an’ sloosh it all over the bothaya in a surprise tsunami cataclysm whenya least expect it (most notably evry Monday, evry Tuesday, evry Wednesday…).

Cosmic Roolz’re clear.

Ifya are in anya these relationships…

Fixed Fixed — any comboa Taurus, Leo, Scorpio & Aquarius*

Cardinal Cardinal — any blenda Aries, Cancer, Libra, Capricorn

Mutable Mutable — mix an’ match Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces

* though not all four together, cos that would be filth.

…then eternal misery be thine — on a platter, inya face, prolly even swampin’ ya armpits as an irritatin’ rash.

(Yeah, yeah — I know there are special weirdsy rules for polar opposites attractin’, but I am tryin’ to be super scientific here by glossin’ over that to make a pointa fact. It is the way right now in 2017, dontchya know.)

Thing is, life is fulla relationships break the rules alla the time.

See on Facebook where they got mice snugglin’ upta cats?

An’ on YouToob, where they got bear cub meets fawn for first time an’ baby monkey gowin’ backwards on a pig?

Sure, in life’s menagerie, you don’t get the kinda oppositesya see bustin’ outta the zodiac — what in hell would the oppositea a giraffe look like anyway? — but with the right beest whisperer an’ camera crew, most any *impossible!* combo is … possible.

(‘cept for mebbe a python an’ a shark — or an eagle an’ onea them creepy underground salamanders with no eyes an’ skin smoother than a dick pulsin’ out all woody.)

An’ you gotta admit — impossible or curious or plain weird combinations make the world spin sweeter.

FFS! First You Scare Me Into Thinking That My Perfectly Happy Relationship Is Compromised In Some Way — And Now You’re Insinuating That I’m Impossible Or Curious Or Plain Weird. Aaaand You Said I Was Stoopid Beyond Stoopid. Why Should I Read Any Further?

Read? Hey — you’re practically writin’ this thing!

But I guess that is my point.

Cosmic Roolz though there may be, it don’t meanya can’t break ‘em from timeta time — an’ neither does it mean nuthin’ gonna work ifya go break ‘em big time, nor even that no bountiful an’ happiness-packed good can ever come buzzin’ like kissed-out hunny bees from a union hitched up on the edgea OBLIVION.

Gotta figure there’re plentya godawful mismatches out there among people with no clue ‘bout astrology don’t even know how fuckoed they truly are.

“Let’s make out in the woods, where I can stick my tongue in your throat till you howl like a wolf,” says she, havin’ never consulted a horoscope, never checked in on astrology compatibility — an’ never found out she is Sagittarius.

“Fine,” says he, consultin’ a list longer than the Bayeux Frickin’ Tapestry, “but there’s the cleaning to do first — not to mention the administration, the ironing, and planning for our vacation in 2029. So why don’t you go walk the dog for a couple hours, and when everything here is spotless, I’ll wash and iron the bedsheets so they’re spankingly pristine and clean, and we can spend the rest of the day fucking one another’s brains out so hard and so good that this little ol’ place we call home will make the national news as an earthquake zone registering 9 on the Richter scale.”

(Most Virgos are smart enoughta know they are Virgos, but this guy is clearly a relative halfwit in that department.)

Thenya got other relationships pullin’ in some real power whoopee from a union fated to collapse don’t even realise their beautylicious existence depends entirely on rules they got no idea their amour flaunts — kinda like Donald Rumsfeld’s unknown unknowns, only with more provocative undergarments an’ mouth-wateringly curvaceouser insertables.

“Take me from behind! In a costume! Mouthing stream of consciousness gibberish in Ancient Greek!”

“Handcuffed to the ceiling and free swinging like a pendulum — or with the both of us sealed in the leather cocoon I hand-crafted from prime buffalo hide in my secret mountain hideaway?”

(Any fully functional Libra-Capricorn pairings out there recognize this scenario? I figureya gotta have not the faintest frickin’ clue what is gowin’ on astrologically, spiritually — an’ prolly even financially — to enjoy that baby.)

Gotta figure also that Moons an’ risin’ signs, Venus an’ Mars — an’ even frickin’ Plooto — all got plentya inflooence down deep in the astrological mix.

Coupla mismatched Sun signs up top could work out real sweet if evrythin’ links up compatible an’ perfect down deep inya planetary undercarriage.

Want my opinion?

This whole system is a frickin’ mess, tellya.

What Do You Propose As A Solution To This Astrology Compatibility Conundrum, O Princess? (And I Must Tell You Here That I Am Only Sticking Around Because That Last Part About Ironing The Bedsheets Really Turned Me On And I’m Hoping For More Of The Same, Preferably Involving A Washing Machine, Please.)

Ha!

We kneelin’ on top together — or layin’ our fanjos out flat on the metalwork for max vibe power?

I guess the thing is, this whole astrology compatibility deal is all about how adventurous you wanna be.

How comfortable, how risky, how rhythmically functional, how fraught with peril.

‘Steada Cosmic Roolz — unbreakable — gotta figure on a hierarchya possiblilities — all makeable (but mebbe with consequences).

Playin’ for the home team is prolly easier than mixin’ it up with the away side — allaya Mojo Suite (emotional, sexyool, spiritual, financial, practical, aspirational etc) fully catered for an’ powerin’ out inta the blue on a tightly defined directive ticket — but the green grass on the other sidea the hill got advantages also, as in how that very same Mojo Suite gonna mebbe bust out on a more uncertain an’ potentially rewardin’ growth ticket, pullin’ in challenges, setbacks an’ unexpected discoveries as furniture an’ dinner plates are thrown about at random.

An’ I would wantchya to think about that.

Earth, Air, Fire an’ Water all got their own ways they wanna be.

A Fire partnership mebbe gonna be intrinsically more volatile than its Earth counterpart, but it still has a tightly defined directive ticket.

Not so the Sagittarius-Virgo relationship I mentioned earlier, before I sat up top on the washin’ machine withya to drill down, max spin, on my concludin’ vibe.

In this relationship, Sagittarius gonna open Virgo up sum, an’ I wantchyata know how powerful a force this kinda Earth Revved up by Fire combo can be.

Gotta thinka Star Wars here — only insteada the Jedi pluckin’ Luke Skywalker from his day-to-day tedium, they chose Cinderella.

On the flipside, what does Sagittarius really need?

Another fire sign stokin’ ‘em up, aggravatin’ their violent tendencies, an’ urgin’ ‘em to yell CUNT! alla the time?

Not always.

Jus’ as the Cinderella story got its own transformational punch, there are plentya cool narratives out there in books an’ movies feature the upstart whupped inta shape an’ saved from herself by sum kinda ‘informed master’ figure— or himself ifya are thinkin’ Dr Strange … an’ I wanna thinka Dr Strange, trooly I do, O Benedict, Benedict, Benedict…

Ahem.

As anyone watches Joopiter an’ Saturn knows, journeys can be equally about expansion an’ compromise, abandon an’ rigor, exploration an’ diligence — an’ sumtimes these qualities flip over.

For Sajjo, is not the Virgoan rulebook a kinda ultimate wilderness survival escapade, diligence turned exploration?

“I am Sagittarius — romping o’er hill and dale in search of freedom, tail swishing freely about my gorgeously toned equine ass.”

“Fine. But I am Virgo — and I’m gonna sit you on a rock in the middle of the ocean till you quit fucking around and squandering your life. Want freedom? Okay, so go wanderlust yourself the heck outta that panorama, you self-destructive bohemian buffoon!”

An’ on the flippo…

“I am Virgo — passionately bound to routines and strategies for teasing precisely what I want from life with my forensically-honed cerebellular colossus.”

“Fine. But I am Sagittarius — and I want you to know you are wasted in that stupid lab working for that asshole takes advantage of your generosity. So I say we move to Japan, throw out all our old clothes, and get you the intermittent urinary catheter design technician’s salary your nitpicky fucking brain deserves.”

For Virgo, is not Sajjo’s boundless optimism an’ lust for travel kinda compromise transformed into expansion? Diligence turned into exploration?

Same intrinsic Virgo deal, only bigger an’ better?

I am only speculatin’ here, an’ I am only usin’ a few limited examples, but I hopeya get the picture.

First The Washing Machine…And Now The Intermittent Urinary Catheter! Are You Trying To Bring Me Off Here Or What?

Hey, I jus’ wanna bring evryone onboard here.

With the deal.

See, astrology is not set in stone.

FFS alla the planets’re spinnin’ in thinnest vapor, an’ mosta ‘em are either ice, gas or crap.

Only permanence is the math underlyin’ their synchronized flingo (an’ I will say more about that another time).

Rest is kinda open season — energies an’ archetypes playin’ out as pan-MMORPG narrative.

Truth is, fate is options, choices, decisions.

Hard an’ easy. Sweet an’ bloody. Washin’ machine an’ intermittent urinary catheter.

An’ much as we wanna hitch evrythin’ up all perfect astrology compatibility fixed done sunset credits roll, sumtimes…

…oh, jus’ a few sweet sumtimes…

… the rightest wrong person ever swoops inta our life from outta frickin’ nowhere — an’ we gotta be real smart ‘bout what we choose gonna happen next…

Title Image c/o Alexas-Fotos @ Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="13"></span> <span class="sdata" title="02, 2017"></span>

The Stars As A Valentine’s Day Smoochfest

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-04-01T16:12:23+00:00"></span> |Blendyjuicy, Love, Mother Cosmosis, Relationships|1 Comment

THE STARS AS A VALENTINE’S DAY SMOOCHFEST

Man, this is so frickin’ weird.

I was gonna spend the evenin’ at my desk typin’ out a special YOUR VALENTINE’S STARS kinda blog post, but right now I am sat squat in the cornera the lobby Googlin’ incinerated bean bag.

Why so?

Here’s the deal with bein’ a minxyditzy astrologer.

The real cool part.

Coupla times a week, Mother Cosmosis opens up a secret portal to her Celestial Vapors in my apartment an’ foreshadows the future by tossin’ crap through it — all too often while I am takin’ a pee.

Las’ week, she festooned me with baby bunnies as parta sum “Seer Special Offer” Spring Equinox Trailer deal, an’ it took me three days to detox the place.

That leveled up my chopstick skills, tellya.

Anyways, right now, I got alla the Zodiac rompin’ round upstairs, eyes fulla amour, skin flushed red with passion, an’ tinglydanglies gorgin’ up for action.

So to hell with the academic treatise I had planned.

All I gotta do is make notes on what jus’ happened

Saturday Night Chez Prinno B

Cool thing is, Aries bust through the portal first.

FFS what else is gonna happen?

I had my vacuum an’ pajamas on, so it took me by surprise.

An’ by “it”, I mean Aries itself.

Wouldn’t make no sense for Mother Cosmosista bowl me, say, six gals an’ six guys, cos that would mess up summa the potential romantic combinations.

Straight only for Fire an’ Air? Or mebbe gay only for Earth an’ Water? Nah — deal don’t work like that.

So the zodiacal spirits I got were kinda either/or stroke neither stroke both — gal one minute, guy the next, jus’ so they could max out on a strobe-style morphin’ sexuality ticket.

(Jus’ so’s you know.)

How Absolutely Bizarro!

Tell me ‘bout it.

First thing Aries did after I whacked the fucker with my suction pipe (a purely reflex action btw — I am not a habityool psychopath) wasta rifle through my smalls drawer for a paira hi octane knickoes — an’ switch out to a guy.

“Intrestin’,” I said. “What’s the plan?”

Aries grinned. “Something quick. I still gotta make the gym. Gonna scramble up on top of your bookcase and pounce on whoever is next through the portal.”

“Saves schemin’ for decades onlyta findya sweetheart dieda old age, like a Capricorn, I guess.”

(Ha! I got no problem bein’ snarky, but sumthin’ ‘bout Aries always stokes me up, an’ I blew my cool by gigglin’ at the end.)

Uh oh! Noises off from the bedroom!

I figured Taurus, cos she … he … it comes next in the Zodiac roster — only I got Cancer.

An’ bless her, she got chocolates an’ roses an’ some dumb Valentine’s card she made herself, an’ she was fluffin’ up the bed, makin’ evrythin’ warm an’ homely.

I pulled the door shut an’ indicated the closet. “Quick! You gotta hide!”

“You got someone in there?” hollered Aries, boundin’ down the corridor. “I demand immediate conquest!”

“Uhm … no,” I called, bundlin’ Cancer to safety. “It is my … crocodile.”

Aries’ scream shattered alla the glass in the window. “Nothing inspires me for hot action in the sack like risking my life to battle a dangerous throwback from the dinosaur age!”

Door flew open — gulp — as did my knickoes — *blush* — an’ Aries barely blinked before hurlin’ himself through the window’s glass dagger halo an’ out into …. well, let’s jus’ say I do not live on the ground floor.

Thing is, bein’ a Sajjo, I shoulda been straight after him, but I am not without sensitivity, an’ as Cancer’s whimpers blubbed from behind the closet door, I thoughta how crumpled my favo dragon kimono gonna be after she’d done squishin’ it with her fat frickin’ ass.

“Seems you’re something of an expert pipe-bender.” Voice from behind me was sexy, an’ I figured sum Leo was makin’ a flatterin’ pass — only it was Virgo, holdin’ out my vacuum.

“I can fix it, if you like,” he said, “and if you want some help tidying that germswamp you call a kitchen, I always travel with a set of brushes and three pints of assorted cleaning fluids.”

“Hey — I know you Virgo types got a reputation for bein’ super kind, an’ I got an anxious Cancer here in my closet could use a little TLC more’n my mountaina unwashed dishes, so couldya be a sweetie an’ mebbe mop up her tears while I change outta my pajamas?”

Gotta love a diligent Virgo. No one does No Problem better. Best thing, he seemed kinda pleased when Cancer crawled outta the closet, fully masculinoed up.

“I feel unsafe here,” said the crab-man. “Broken glass has ruined the romantic atmosphere, and I know the situation will only get worse. Would you escort me to a quiet coffee bar till Scorpio shows up? I’m very badly shaken.”

Thing is, there is a rubycon beyond which No Problem jus’ becomes Stoopid, but Virgo prolly ain’t seen it yet. Guy was so sweet — he took Cancer’s hand, made big time reassurin’ with his eyeballs, then transformed into a ravishin’ redhead before fixin’ up my vacuum, emptyin’ the dust bag, an’ headin’ off in searcha java.

Gotta mention — Aries jus’ whooshed past me on a skateboard, with Libra in pursuit, swingin’ a buncha bananas round her head.

But I will get to that part later.

Bring On The Evolutionarily Quirky Quadrupeds

Problem I had was alla the broken glass — an’ the lurkin’ suspicion that the firstborna Mother Cosmosis’s foreshadowy Valentine’s Zodiac specter-cum-polysexuals lay splattered on the sidewalk below.

Gotta tellya, we astrologers face stiff penalties for bustin’ stuff we get sent from anya the various Beyonds — only las’ Halloween sum stargazer from New York ate a whole buncha candy he shouldnta, an’ Mother Cosmosis turned onea his ears into a frickin’ carrot.

Luckily for Moi, Aquarius swung in through the window packin’ more cosplay gadgetry than Batman flauntin’ his techiest kit.

“Who’s the hot, naked, somersaulting gymnast guy?” it said, its momentary androgyny so exquisitely … hooman.

I rolled my eyes. “Aries.”

“Typical,” said Aquarius, shifting all Harry Styles. “So how’s it going with the luminous popcorn, the hilarious customized Cards Against Humanity deck — and the porcupine in the sack?”

My eyes switched sides. “What?”

“It’s a party, right? Gotta have some freaky party food, especially stuff makes your burps glow in the dark. And if we’re playing Humanity later, gotta have some new and risque cards to keep everyone on their toes. So I printed off a whole bunch of stuff from my shrink’s Skin Disease Encyclopaedia and made up some shit about buggering horses.”

“And the porcupine?”

Aquarius threw back his head. “Don’t tell me you’ve never played Feel The Prickly Mammal — for cash!”

“Listen,” I said, hand on the guy’s shoulder, “it is Valentine’s, so’ I figure people will wanna pair off an’ make with the smoochie.”

Water bearer rifled through the cell phones danglin’ by string from his belt for the one said BATTERY 2%, then tossed me a quizzical look. “What year is this?”

Prolly wouldn’ta mattered what in heck I’d said, but that’s when Leo pitched up an’ ignited my livin’ room in a balla flame.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Leo’s plan for romance centered on a decorative 22-tier cake sizea The Rock an’ a theatrical fire-eatin’ routine set to a buncha Queen songs, an’ while sum folks (Moi included) mighta found such a spectacle impressive, Taurus was fuckin’ Scorpio on the sofa an’ did not take kindlyta havin’ the hairs seared offa her fanjo by sum showy clown in a swashbuckler outfit.

Aquarius fired off his water cannon, but nuthin’ could douse the flames, so evryone hadta dash out into the corridor before the emergent inferno took holda the synthetic bobblesa crap in my bean bag an’ poisoned the wholea the Earth’s atmosphere.

Coulda used Virgo’s return jus’ then, if only to talk Taurus down from stranglin’ Leo to death an’ snap the heels offa Scorpio’s weaponized boots, but when I opened up the elevator there was only Pisces — clutchin’ two empty wine bottles.

“I started early,” she drawled. “Where’s the smokes? I wanna get trashed.”

Any other situation, Pisces gets sidelined as the buildin’ goes up in flames, but tonight her random intervention was perfect.

First, Leo got to live as Taurus an’ Scorpio turned on one other.

(“She’s mine!”

“No — she’s mine, you filthy bull!”

“Hey — quit pullin’ my hair, you bitch.”

“Leo burned it off, remember? That’s your fuckin’ dick, you shapeshifter asshole!”)

Second, the big cat squared up to the plumesa smoke pourin’ from my apartment door.

“This is all my fault,” she said. “So let me be the one to put things right.”

I kinda expected her to dig out an extinguisher an’ brave the flames solo, but Pisces’ diaphanous evenin’ gown shimmered with the glowa elemental water from beyond time an’ space, an’ Leo siezed the initiative.

If you ever seen onea them magic shows where the magician rips a tablecloth from under a whole buncha cutlery an’ dinner plates without disturbin’ a thing, it was kinda that — only on this occasion, the glamorous assistant (Pisces) fainted insteada grinnin’ like she got the only teeth in the universe.

Gotta be glad I caught her an’ broke her fall.

She was lighter than a bird, smelleda pure exotica.

FFS, there goes Aries again. An’ Libra is stripped to the waist now…

Speculation An’ Prediction Gotta Be Certain, No Contradiction

Point about the Courageous Leo Emergency Epic (as Leo herself named it) is how it is gonna be turned into a movie.

Coupla flapsa Pisces’ evenin’ gown was is all it took to snuff the flames.

Thing is, Leo was real cool about evrythin’ — swallowed her pride an’ offerdta replace my sofa an’ shit, all while she shaped out into sumthin’ half Matt Damon, half Benedict Cumberbatch.

On another night, that mighta turned my heart, only we still had four signs left to show, an’ I figured on keepin’ my wits about me — no mean feat seein’ how I am such a ditz, tellya.

Mixin’ a cocktail as I cleared the smoke, I set my astrologer’s brainta work, see if I could predict what was comin’.

“Lemme see,” I muttered, throwin’ on jeans an’ a T, “we got Libra, Cappy, Gemini an’ Sajjo — unless Sajjo is covered by Moi to save on polysexual specter manifestation magicks. So that’s three, mebbe four, stillta come.”

Way I saw it, Libra an’ Gemini coulda made a workable matchup scenario — or a threesum if Aquarius stole himself away from my impossible coffee table puzzle — leavin’Cappy to drop last an’ shut up shop before stompin’ around stoically till mebbe the Summer cos nuthin’ worked out … again.

Only he showed first.

An’ he was fuckin’ drop dead.

Ear Muffs Rising, Midheaven Fulla Cacophony

“Hi,” said Cappy, cool an’ soft an’ denim-stickyin’. “Seems you’ve had a difficult night.”

I nodded like sum nervous rabbit. An’ giggled. Frickin’ shoot me.

“What say I treat you to dinner? And a movie? My limo is outside.”

Gotta tellya, Capricorn an’ Moi don’t see eyeta eye, ‘spesh when it comesta the blendyjuicy, but I felt weird, kinda impulsive an’ secure all at once, an’ I opened my mouth, ready to whisper YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH, when Gemini strolled in an’ said, “Woooooooooooow, what in hell kinda action has been going down here? No, wait! Don’t tell me! You burned your Valentine’s dinner? Am I right? Incinerated your finest meringue and boiled all your gravy to a carbonized slab? Fifty bucks says that was the deal. Ha! Reminds me of a night in Rome last year — or was it 2015? 2014? Hell, who cares? — a blissful time I spent with a beautiful stallion by the name of Luigi. He was hot on looks, big on romance, and pleasingly expansive on the slack-to-stiff ratio in the boxerbuster department. We took in the Colosseum, Mussolini’s Typewriter and Big Ben, then we danced the night away under the stars and … no, wait — that was London. And it was Simon. Or was it Benjamin? Aw, who cares? Don’t you just love clocks the size of skyscrapers? And those guys with the helmets look like huge furry grapes? Yanno, the ones escort the Queen of England back and forth to the Eiffel Tower? Or wherever?” Gemini quit blinkin’. “Hey, who are you guys anyways? And what was I just saying?”

“He’s in the frickin’ livin’ room,” I said. “Hopeya like porcupines.”

Strap Me To The Dinner Table With Filamentsa Purest Style

Gotta tellya, I had a cool, quality time with Cappy.

Evrythin’ was perfect, an’ he took real good carea me — even when his beard slithered up his face into a pert an’ pristine bob midway through the Vichyssoise.

As a Saj, I am usedta bein’ kinda slapdash, kinda whatever happens, but when romance is done proper, it really makesya wonder ifya might want that deal more often.

Anyways, after mains — sum weirdo fish I’d never hearda — we chatted about Virgo an’ Cancer, an’ both agreed the crab-man-gal-thing gonna be OK.

“Virgo won’t let her down,” said Cappy, an’ I figured she truly meant it, but there was sumthin’ in her eyes, like a flickera sadness. I dunno.

“That is Earth, I guess. Real reliable.” Ha! I was tryin’ to be empatheticalistic, but Taurus’ phantom butt cheeks revisited me momentarily as a ballistic blur over my napkin, an’ I splorfed out sumthin’ filthy made the waiter blush.

Kinda worked on Cappy though, an’ when she drove me home I felt so warm an’ secure I almost forgot she was merely a celestial whisper.

Cometh The Hour, Cometh The Asshole

I figured on sealin’ a nighta adventure by relaxin’ for an hour in the tub with mebbe Libra readin’ me poetry an’ strokin’ on my hair, but Gemini really had picked up on Aquarius’ porcupine deal, an’ the paira ‘em were locked in for the night, behavin’ abominably.

I walked back to the lobby. No Libra.

I took out my tab an’ started writin’ alla this down. No Libra.

Mebbe I was right about the threesum; mebbe Libra was up there makin’ out with her fellow airheads — under the gazea sum watchful spiny beast.

*Omc, it is so salacious an’ dirtya Moi, but I started thinkin’ all kindsa stuff.*

Never got too racy though, cos Aries roared inta the lobby doorway, sweat drippin’ from evry incha her ravaged clothes.

“What the fuck cunt fuck is going on?” she screamed, punchin’ hard at the walls. “I was on fire. And I ran all fucking night. For no one! Why does this always happen to me? What did I DO? What is so wrong about wanting to start shit up?

Tellya, I was scared. Aries in a paranoid rage is truly dangerous, an’ I hadta trust it would blow over, like it always kinda does.

What I did not expect was a flowery hairdo to end all flowery hairdos to come skippin’ in from outta the night with a frickin’ violin’.

“Please don’t be angry,” said Libra, pirouettin’ round the scarlet-faced monster by the wall. “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Fiddly-dee, fiddly-doo, fiddly-dum.”

Aries snapped her fingers into a fist. “There IS no other person, you fucking asshole! That is the fucking point!

Libra danced sum more, played his strings sweeter. “Fiddly-dee. Fiddly-doo. Fiddly-dum.”

Gotta tellya, when I facepalm, most times it is cozza embarrassment, but right then, seein’ Aries ready to flare all terminal, I had fears for my own eyeballs.

“Fiddly-dah,” whispered Libra. He reached out a hand, moved gently in on Aries — an’ cupped her shakin’ body in a tender hug.

Ha!

Took the smarmy fucker mebbe 15 seconds tops.

Tellya, that is not romance, that is frickin’ art.

Gimme the replay, gimme a month to bone up, an’ there is still NO WAY I can do that.

Anyways, that was mebbe forty minutes ago, an’ shit has kinda developed since then.

Aries has gone from explodin’ like an ancient volcano to flopsyin’ out with alla the jollitya sum doe-eyed Disney bunny, an’ she is tearin’ about all over with Cap’n Frickin’ Karaoke, playin’ out goofy historical combats — mosta which’re derived from Shakespeare if I hear Libra right an’ am not confoosin’ shit with The Empire Strikes Back.

So, Yeah — Happy Valentine’s, Evryone

Best thing is, seems I was right about the Sajjo deal.

No need for Mother Cosmosis to foreshadow crap for Moi, cos I am here, an’ I got the gift.

So, listen — I gotta go party now.

Virgo jus’ texted to say she is comin’ back with sum special keys gonna get me into my apartment, so I guess it is mindfuck time for Moi till alla the Air guys get sucked off back through Mother Cosmosis’ Celestial Vaporhole.

An’ btw, turns out Cancer met up with Taurus in a pizza place along the way, an’ Scorpio is soberin’ Pisces up in the elevator with a viewta managin’ her career as an exotic dancer in Leo’s movie franchise.

Ha!

Was gonna start out this blog post with the line As an Aries, you are impulsive in love.

But true romance is kinda messy, I guess — an’ that is the fun part…