<span class="sdata" title="22"></span> <span class="sdata" title="11, 2017"></span>

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-11-22T11:55:36+00:00"></span> |Choice, Fire Signs, Motivation, Practical Astrology, Sagittarius|0 Comments

SAGITTARIUS SEASON DATES ADVENTURE

Wanna know why Sagittarius Season dates adventure?

Aw, see — cos evry millisecond counts … right from the first bombasm momentsa Centaur Romp come firin’ up outta November 22nd to the pre-Christmas ‘danglin’ from the rafters withya titties hangin’ out’ bonhomie-kinda-horseplay precedes the Capricornian Doom Balloon launch on December 22nd … an’ evry single millisecond demands exhilaration lest lamenessa sprit an’ stuckonessa brain rob life’s delisho sweetness fromya like bandits creepin’ onto the setta sum cowboy movie an’ makin’ off with the horses, the hats, the pistols, the whips, the poker cards, the whisky, the rickety town, the bad guys, the lame mules … an’ alla the fuckin’ cowboys.

Tellya, Sagittarian milliseconds hurl ‘emselves at action … can’t stop ‘emselves … an’ flesh an’ blood an’ soul an’ spirit an’ ass kinda get sucked on along in the temporal whirlpool.

It is like bein’ on a perpetyool date with The Beyond.

Problem is — what ‘bout resta the Zodiacs?

How they gonna max out on this wildly rompolicious hoss-themed pseudo-epoch?

Pray Tell Us, O Princess! Lay Bare Your “Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure” Secrets!

K, so I ran a feature a while back on how non-Leo Zodiacs could max out on the Leo vibe (yanno, back in the Summer, when we all had such fun with the Solar Eclipse an’ shit?), an’ I figured I would lead with sumthin’ similar this time round.

So what I got here is a 5-point primer to the best stuff Sagittarius Season got on offer that evryone can tap into, they wanna.

Thinka it like you gowin’ on 5 consecutive dates.

Ooh ooh — yeah, picture a bar … or a beach.

You got Sun onya hair, sand atchya feet, weirdsy cartoon crustaceans dancin’ onya toenails … or ifya runnin’ with the beach scenario, mebbe there are cocktails an’ olive-rich nibbles in a decorative bowl.

Anyways, 5 srsly Sagittarian vibes gonna come along an’ sweepya offya feet whileya are chillin’.

So … jus’ take a sec to shutya eyes an’ imagine that bar or beach scenario … or whatever vista takesya fancy (but not jus’ yet or howya gonna read the next part?)

The air fills with humongously gregarious whinnyin’!

You hear hooves poundin’ (even ifya are on a beach or swimmin’ in the sea, cos celestial stagehands jus’ laid on a phantom cakewalk) … an’ horsey odors swell deep inya nostrils as the first swishy tail swats onya cheek like the whippa sum dominatrix warmin’ up her tassles…

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — Match #1

Brute Wanderlust On A Roll

Gotta figure Sagittarius is never stuck.

As a mutable sign, we got big time roamsies an’ do not wishta be tied down — less’n it is onea them gal in flouncy apparel chained to a railtrack cosplay scenarios, in which case plz can I also have a guy playin’ pianer for extra melodrama?

Parta that unstuckiness comes from the rebellious streak we got says I do not care for boundaries — butchya gotta figure here how this upstartishness differs massively from the Aquarian Uranian disruption-for the-hella-it deal.

Sajjo is ruled by Joopiter — the so-called Mr Expansive Astro-wiener — an’ so the rebellion we got is more exploratory … more plain jus’ seekin’ growth an’ wisdom.

So, askya self — what boundaries I got in my life?

An’ why is it I cannot … or will not … strike out beyond ‘em?

See, cos Sagittarian wanderlust got way more to offer than rompin’ round a forest in the buff.

Prolly that is jus’ a stock astrological story, yanno, how Sagittarius Season meansya gotta book a holiday or visit a zoo fulla sportsy animals.

Like it or not, Beyond is whereya gotta grow into, where’er an’ whate’er it be — or isya plan to ossify … tread the same steps till the enda your days?

Gotta figure here how intentional steppin’ out into the Beyond is way preferable to havin’ the Beyond thrust uponya by outside forces unknown.

So your fist Sagittarius Season Adventure Date is with brute wanderlust on a roll — beyond boundaries mebbe feel like permanent fixtures.

So free up, step out, challenge yourself to wander.

Noo place, noo TV show, noo author, noo experience, noo friend.

You got mobility an’ you got smarts — so go test sum boundaries, fulla exploratory generosity … an’ see what noo experiences touch sweet onya mojo.

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — Match #2

IYF Filosophical BS

Plenty other Zodiacs compartmentalize their thinkin’.

They got one setta rules for dealin’ with people, another setta rules for copin’ with demandin’ days, an’ still further rules for pluckin’ fecal bobbles offa their pet stick insect’s ass.

For Sagittarius, evrythin’ is entwined together … sumhow.

In a Cosmos held together as a definable entity (even though it is infinite an’ prolly bustin’ with weirdsy aliens), gotta figure on sum unifyin’ shit be gowin’ down.

Shrink that idea to the hooman Cosmos, an’ there gotta be forces behind alla the stuff unites an’ divides us.

Point I’m gettin’ at here is how Sagittarians got real passion for the big idea.

I’m not thinkin’ necessarily original here (like mebbe Aries), nor clever (like Gemini or Virgo) — but jus’ some vast, all-encompassin’, superJovian concept got dominion over broader ishoos than, say, most pizzas are circular but some stores also sell square ones.

So … ask yourself — you got any real big ideas?

Yanno, monsters?

Shit so wacko stoopid you can barely admit to yourself that you was the one thunk the fucker up?

K, so that is your honorary Sagittarian Filosophical BS.

For this second Sagittarius Season Adventure Date, go find sum random person in the mall … or in a bar … or inya class … an make with the IYF proclamations.

To hell with logical structure, consistency, narrative — or evenya fuckin’ reputation — jus’ give that monster filosophical idea sum Out Loud Up Front airtime, full swagger.

Power through, start to finish, no pausin’ for breath, tillya captive audience got zero escape options beyond dyin’ or peein’ their pants.

Gotta big idea, you gotta feel the zeal from the inside, tellya.

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — Match #3

Lusty Experimental Sex

Prolly this one gonna cause sum trouble on a practical level less’n we tread real careful.

I don’t want nowan comin’ on all lusty on the bus cos Princess Balestra said I gotta — so for this Sagittarius Season Adventure Date prolly we gotta fix up sumthin’ for those quieter moments when *ahem* lusty experimental sex features a phantom partner … or groop.

Happens, right?

Mebbe you workin’, or cruisin’ the net … or cookin’, or chillin’ out all yogically serene — when suddenly the Friskiness Alarm goes off inya Prime Tinglydangly Area.

Gotta bringya self off or kill sum fucker, right? — an’ I would ask here, this musculoskeletogenital workout gonna be Same Old Same Old?

Tried an’ trusted favorites been pullin’ on the cum sinceya hormonally teened the heck on up outta Kiddyland?

An’ doesya phantom lover always gotta be Benedict Cumberbatch?

Wearin’ a cape … an’ leather pants … smokin’ a cigar … *dear sweet Jesus*.

See cos this quiet time mebbe jus’ another way you got stuck — a routine setta self-pleasurin’ strategies you kinda flit between like butterflies hittin’ on limited flora opportoonities in a butterflyarium.

For this third Sagittarius Season Adventure Date, prolly you gotta try sumthin’ different, even if it don’t work out.

Ifya are cucumber, mebbe try zucchini … ifya are feathers, mebbe try paintbrush an’ molasses … ifya are fast tillya skin peels off, mebbe try slower thanya ever gone before.

I would wanna suggest how this deeply personal time (even ifya got Matt Damon, Tom Hiddleston an’ Scarlett Johansson along for the ride, jus’ to bring out the best in the sublimely tethered Cumberbatch) is trooly a comfort zone.

C’mon, cosya only do it to feel real yummo, right?

But yet again, we see boundaries an’ a weird kinda limitin’ formality — less’n you strike out sumplace noo with exploratory determination.

So mebbe get plannin’ for that next rendez-vous with spontaneous horno.

Pack a bag fulla essentials, same asya do resta the time.

Chili pickle don’t work out, you can always eat it…

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — Match #4

Think So Positive That Capricorns Can’t Stop ‘Emselves From Attackin’ You

Aw, c’mon — cos we Sagittarians are such optimists, right?

Always a smile, always a laugh, always a cheery demeanor gonna pluck upya spirits!

Tbh sumtimes I figure evryone believes we are free from misery an’ torment, like pain an’ sadness bypassed our lives so we could go motivate the Totally Frickin’ Blighted.

But such an existence would transform us into bigger monsters than we already are.

You mean … that loudmouth bragger packing the bullshit never experiences sadness as they cavort the place in those badly co-ordinated multi-rainbow “outfits”?

Thing is, negative stuff sucksya in if’n you let it — an’ the loudest voice you got yellin’ it IYF — frank an’ true, like there ain’t no escape — is YOU.

We all got pain an’ sadness, an’ we all got The Voice.

An’ the worst part is … we listen in regular an’ hang on evry word.

So for my 4th Sagittarius Season Adventure Date suggestion, I would wanna figure on a choice — some space to disagree with your inner voice’s fixed proclamations ‘bout your own demise.

She says, I’m ugly … you gotta have it out with her.

She says, I’m useless at singin’ … you gotta show her what you got.

She says, I’m crazy to be bringing myself off with a banana while skydivin’ … prolly you already applyin’ the kinda Sagittarian wisdom I been talkin’ ‘bout so far. Ha!

Point is, you gotta step outside that pessimistic narrative stuff an’ fix up a smarter IRL story or you gonna shrinkya life from the inside before any enemies come kickin’.

No place is more confinin’ an’ stiflin’ than the gruesum corner we force ourselves to stand in sumtimes.

Nowan says we gotta go there, nowan leads us there in shackles — we walk willingly an’ forlornly to a prison we built ourselves, an’ we self-incarcerate for hours or days or weeks, feedback loopin’ the fuck outta our life chances by toonin’ in to stuff ain’t never gonna help us.

Like you, I got purely selfish reasons for haulin’ myself outta that place with Optimism’s twinkliest lasso.

But cos I got alla these stoopid Sagittarian ideas ‘bout hoomanity in kinda general, I would want always to throw on the pancake makeup … even when my heart bleeds … jus’ in case the person I got right in fronta me is secretly stuck in their own self-inflicted corner an’ can’t break free.

If’n they especially lucky, I might jus’ come on so effusively OTT I am a fuckin’ embarrassment.

See cos that old line — there is always someone worse off than yourself — is so monstrously transformative when placed in the wrong hands.

Tbh, I lost counta the times I been so tastelessly ghastly with my IYF Uberglee I could compel even the most miserable wretch to take big time steps up the Self-worth Ladder.

Gee, I may be a lousy sister — but at least I ain’t Beyond Fucking Unbearable like Ms Shoutytits here…

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — Match #5

Lights! Centaur! Action!

Gotta love how the Zodiac packs a real neat menagerie.

Las’ time Mother Cosmosis stopped by my apartment to check I was eatin’ proper, we got to discussin’ Zodiac beests over a chilled Smirnoff concoction I threw together.

“So why no duckies or giraffes?” I said.

M.C. flashed onea her as I explain this with the linguistic sidea my brain, I am also scramblin’ for an excuse to vamoose, usin’ the stage magician’s assistant chained up in a box parta my brain expressions. “Personally, I blame the very first astrologers. What they had in the heavens was a deliciously sophisticated Rorschach test — a tremendous opportunity for rendering imaginary undersea cuttlefish or off-the-scale-crazy marsupials from patterns in the stars. Problem they had was that most of the planet’s more exotic species had yet to be discovered, so they were limited to familiar creatures in their everyday surroundings.”

“Like half-horse half-mule hybrids or aquagoats clearly gonna be snuffed by most any habitat?”

“Ah … that was my suggestion,” said M.C., leanin’ back on my dolphin cushion flea market bargain. “ If memory serves me correctly, there was a call for ducks and giraffes, just like you suggested — along with dogs, pigs and pythons. In the latter case, I told these fledgling astrologers straight out that a python would represent the ultimate in uncreative expression because anyone could draw innumerable wiggly lines through a map of the stars and call each of them any kind of snake—”

“Fuck Moi! That is so not science!

“To be perfectly frank, I consider the Sagittarius and Capricorn animals to be some of my finest ever creations.”

Ha! Gotta love an entreprenoor, I guess.

With that remark, Mother Cosmosis finished her drink an’ fucked off round backa Plooto.

Point is, prolly a centaur is the most apt beest any Sagittarian could wish for to be — ‘specially durin’ the Sajjo Centaur Rompfest!

We got energy, fantasy kudos, immodestly sporsty musculature, shitloadsa energy, great-lookin’ schlongs & boobies — an’ a sublimely beautiful metaphorical weapon.

(No time to go inta alla that stuff right here, butchya can check this one out over at Sagittarian Firepower, u wanna.)

So, listen — final parta my Sagittarius Season Adventure Date pulls in pseudo-cosplay, defo roleplay, an’ a hinta shamanic tradition — not to mention blatant whinnyin’ at considerable volume if you so desire.

Prolly you gotta fix up sum superprivate quiet time whenya ain’t either meditatin’, writin’, sleepin’, dreamin’ or rubbin’ your cunnyflaps to submission with a shoe.

For costoom, no need to go to a hire store — jus’ pull down a drape an’ cut it all to horsey tail ribbons before attachin’ it to your butt with duct tape.

Then you gotta sit real still.

Breathe in the super fresh air, feel the Sun beatin’ down onya naked body (oh yeah, I forgot to mention — strip down to zilcho before you make with the tail), an’ soak up the spirita nature asya shutya eyes an’ journey far to Guided Meditation Centaur Rompo Forest Land.

(For meditative tips, try my Stillness For The Volatile article — I wrote it out for vigorous Fire types can’t get no peace, so it may be especially helpful here whileya chill out an’ summon your Inner Centaur.)

Feel on that centaur body, that centaur persona.

Use evry imaginative smart you got to ask … what that be like? What I say if’n I had that kinda voice?

Then for mebbe five minnows, go check out this curious place where you discover yourself to be.

This space fulla Amber’s books or Zack’s football stuffs — or whoever is this stranger you jus’ encountered.

Speak aloud, anythin’ u wanna — it is only Centaurstuffs, to yourself, same as ever.

Ask questions, speculate on answers, mebbe even cavort robustly.

Main deal — let the spontaneous dialog you have with this mysterious stranger flow free as it wantsta.

Who cares if’n you cuss or say stoopid stuff?

An’ when the 5 minnows is done, go find a mirror.

Watch as the outered imaginary inner centaur morphs into your actyool Zodiac beest (an’ if’n you already a Sagittarian, mebbe switch sex an’ rework your hair) … an’ keep talkin’.

(Sumplace in my Regular Monthly Horoscopes I conferred Honorary Duck Status on Librans cos they got no weirdsy animal out front — so you guys’re covered for this parta the shamanic revelation.)

Now head back to those familiar books or football stuffs … or whatever you got.

Sit with ‘em a while, lay back an’ take in your space — as a lion, crab, scorpion, bull or duck — an’ take ownership.

Your life springs out Eternal from the present moment, always.

An’ right now, it is Sagittarius Season kinda Here & Now.

Sagittarius Season Dates Adventure — The Hands-On Climax

So thereya have it — Sagittarius Season smarts most anywan can pull on.

For sure, we Sajjos got many more attribyoots, an’ prolly other astrology people elsewhere on the internets got a take on what is most important.

Such a shame mosta ‘em got the fucker wrong.

(I dunno, mebbe they jus’ bangin’ on ‘bout good-natured Sagittarian humor.)

Point is, wanna pass on practical shit gonna mebbe dinky upya life.

As we plummet toward Oblivion on this haplessly evolvin’ rock, gotta figure a little costoomed roleplay an’ jackin’ off advice goes a long way.

So go do sumthin’ real special with Sagittarius Season, be ye courageous Lion, scintillatin’ Twinno, or perfectly balanced Mallard.

Adventurous energies bustin’ with optimistic brio gotchya back with real enthoosiasm rn, Sweetie!

Title Image c/o ZERIG @Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="18"></span> <span class="sdata" title="09, 2017"></span>

Autumn Equinox Rituals — Your Complete Guide

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-09-17T14:35:55+00:00"></span> |Autumn Equinox, Mother Cosmosis, Practical Astrology|0 Comments

YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE TO AUTUMN EQUINOX RITUALS

Gotta be honest here, but trad Autumn Equinox rituals kinda piss me off big time.

It is not that I am no astro heretic or nuthin’ … nor that I disrespect tradition an’ alla the committed souls past an’ present who been dootiful upholdersa The Way… nor even that I got a problem wearin’ the costooms or toyin’ with the regalia …

it’s jus’ I would want always for major astro celebrations to be as individyool an’ spontaneous as they are eternal.

So, hey — we are all thinkin’ ‘bout Mother Cosmosis’ imminent Summer-to-Autumn switcheroo rn, an’ we are all makin’ plans for how we gonna celebrate this celestially charged time, so I got sum suggestions for mebbe howya might wanna swooshie along with the 2017 take on Autumn Equinox rituals an’ kinda personalize it for the benefita your own unique booby doo.

I am nuthin’ if not no diligent servant regardin’ your 24/7 astro info lustiness…

Autumn Equinox Rituals — The Historical Perspective

Truth be told, Autumn Equinox prolly goes back to the dawna time, yanno, ever since Mother Cosmosis fixed up alla the planets.

Ritual part came way later — less’n dinosaurs got an angle on the deal or alla that amoeboid gloop we got right at the starta life on Earth kinda wiggled its collective proto-ass on a sympathetic vibe ticket.

Rituals only trooly start with people — world over, all kindsa styles.

An’ the main deal to understand here beyond the form alla those rituals took (an’ still take) is the essential content — the reason for botherin’ when actschwlly we got cool TV shows prolly gonna be more fun or (back in the day) bunnies to hunt down with spears made outta enemy bones.

Gotta figure evry Autumn Equinox we are celebratin’ onea the Earth’s major changesa heart — payin’ homage to life’s eternal cycles by wavin’ goodbye to our favo bikinis an’ breakin’ out the long coats an’ scarves … switchin’ out barbecues an’ fat guys showin’ crack for pumpkin soup an’ hallowe’en masks … rompin’ off for sex in the woods only to discover our goosebumps are bigger an’ stiffer than our strawbos an’ dicks.

Autumn Equinox shows, an’ the final walk back from the beach becomes the long an’ arduous trudge through wind an’ frickin’ rain to Christmas, whereupon enforced gaiety gonna collide with a real shitty selectiona gifts from relativesya hate an’ enough fatty garbage to guarantee the Noo Year boolimic puke-fest hurls an’ spews an’ regurgitates itself alla the way through to Spring.

Who wouldn’t wanna celebrate that?

What we got here with the Autumn Equinox is a self-evident reason to rejoice, whether ye be astro aficionado or astro skeptic.

However we argue among ourselves ‘bout the meaninga what is gowin’ on, the natural world has dominion over the spectacle we witness.

Evry astrologer person an’ astrology aficionado dies, planets gonna spin on, blissfully aloof as an Aquarian pop star refuses to sign autographs … give interviews or pose for the cameras … or actschwlly sing in frickin’ toon.

Always, there gonna be planetary dance an’ shimmy; an always, celestial energy gonna flux an’ spasm an’ renew as an ever-evolvin’ Cosmos demands.

Any creature comes outta that got eyes an’ life an’ heart gonna sit up an’ take real big notice, gonna reflect forevermore ‘pon the visuals, the changes, the flowa time.

Guess it is our turn now — post-gen Z to pre-Boomer — to fix on the marvel an’ draw succor from its immense stories.

Aries to Pisces, we all here this week, lookin’ on.

So we gotta ask — what is ritual?

Is it past tradition, kept alive like mebbe whenya reheat sum half-chewed frickin’ pizza for blearo-eyed breakfast after a party?

Or does 2017’s take on the Autumn Equinox ritual demand that it is uniquely US an’ uniquely OUR SHIT gotta dictate how we celebrate this yet-to-happen spectacle?

Autumn Equinox Rituals — As Cherished By “Those Who Went Before But Are Now Kinda Fuckoed”

Gotta figure alla those Deep Wicca spirits floopsyin’ around the Afterlife on their psilocybe- splattered broomstick-cum-fanjsmackers ain’t guaranteed to be deeply moved by anyone down here honorin’ the Autumn Equinox on a rote tradition ticket.

Most important thing about the Afterlife?

It goes on forever!

Las’ thing evryone in the Afterlife wants is a ritual goes on an’ on’ an’ on, year after year after year, same old same old after same old same old after same old same old.

Thinka how you gonna feel after listenin’ to Taylor Swift warblin’ [insert your total favo Swift song here!] back to back for like a frickin’ month!

Tellya, you suffer that assault onya sensorium, you gonna wanna try ANYTHIN’ BUT.

Anyways, alla the Zodiac got their own take on Autumn Equinox rituals, an’ a standard catch-all trope-packed astro workout — gleaned from learned tomes such as The 1688 Cyclopaedia of Starres, Philomena Schwimmer’s 1967 classic “Astrology for Liberated Californian Catholics”, an’ anythin’ written by Bethany Wiccasplatz before she denounced Eminem as a reincarnated poodle an’ abandoned astrology for marketin’ her own piss as a sleep sedative — weeeeell, you mebbe gotta figure alla the dead astro people we got floatin’ around in the Afterlife ain’t gonna be too pleased we can’t show ‘em sumthin’ noo.

Plus also, they are such cunts.

Aries simply ain’t interested what we all doin’.

Taurus prolly bringin’ herself off on a cloud sumplace.

Gemini seen it all before, so no way she gonna waste Eternity watchin’ your stoopid ritual ass.

Cancer don’t gotta care ‘bout nuthin’ no more cos worst case scenario (ie DEATH) already frickin’ happened … so why bother?

Leo gonna be busy performin’ her own song & dance ritual for any angels got the day off from patrollin’ Trump an’ Kimmee the Nooker an’ alla the other warmongerin’ fuckwits on their way upstairs any time now.

An’ do you really want Virgo lookin’ down onya, criticizin’ evry misquoted incantation an’ hollerin’ why you not ironed your damn robes decent, you incompetent slacker?

Afterlife don’t got no Librans in it anyways cos they all cum back down here to Terrorized Firma reincarnated as funky multicolored cephalapods go shimmer shimmer shimmer (it is troo — alla those undersea chameleon kaleidoscopes’re jus’ recycled Librans).

Scorpio is too busy figurin’ ways to escape so they can get reborn an’ re-establish their traditionally mysterious relationship with DEATH spooks ‘em out in ways that are familiar.

Sagittarius is bringin’ herself off on a cloud, same as Taurus, only she is hidin’ away on an adjacent cloud, gettin’ a real big hit offa watchin’ Ms Bovine Butt quiver slow an’ juicy.

Capricorn gonna be checkin’ the Autumn Equinox Rituals library an’ makin’ sure alla the killer secrets remain under wraps — ‘part from a coupla core inscriptions an’ sigils only she can interpret.

Aquarius is sellin’ finger spinners an’ savin’ for a way stoopid hairdo.

An’ Pisces mebbe gonna be makin’ the final touches to a dream she had ‘bout writin’ a steamy romance novel … “someday”.

So, please — do not even try to impress these useless fuckers!

They do not care.

Autumn Equinox Rituals — Your Day To Go Play In A Generous Cosmos

Wanna pick up here on sum themes I wrote out for the Spring Equinox — my 5-step Spring Fever Cures All plan.

If I’m honest, I actschwlly wanna jus’ repackage that old content an’ spare myself wastin’ valuable weekend FUN TIME writin’ out sumthin’ noo an’ specific, but I trooly only want the best for you guys … so that’s what I’m gonna do.

Autumn … Spring … hey — who fuckin’ cares?

Main deal is, life is kinda short (an’ I made that point HERE back starta Noo Year when the Reaper took holda 2016’s balls an’ scythed ‘em from reality in a manner most mortal an’ genuinely kinda cinematically propulsive), an’ we gotta squeeze alla the yummiest juice outta shit whenever it swells up with goodness before us.

Back in Spring, I set out a motivational action plan for boostin’ five key elementsa evryone’s lives.

Here’s what I hit on…

Body

Mind

Spirit

Mojo

Drive

(I know — original af.)

An’ I would now wanna suggest how any Autumn Equinox ritual you wanna figure — trad-packed to nowsumly spunky & buzzin’ — gotta fix on these essential considerations.

You want I take ‘em one at a time?

K, here goes…

Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #1 — Your Body

It is temptin’ to throw on a whole buncha uncomfortable robes an’ duct tape sum antlers to your head … but tbh, yoga pants an’ a T’re jus’ fine.

You got sumplace cosy an’ private, get naked FFS.

Point is, you wanna be comfy, relaxed — an’ healthy.

So ease back on chocolate, narcotics, an’ alcohol excesses from mebbe Toosday, do sum Yoga or sports, an’ address all bodily hair issues.

Tellya, Equinox drops, she won’t wanna see her diligent devotees sportin’ last month’s dishevelled hairdo, next month’s armpit-fluff-to-be, or any kinda Unkempt Pubo Emergency situation.

All transformations got a deeply sensyool component an’ so mucha astrology fixes on how we feel, so whatever your ritual (an’ this is especially troo for anyone plannin’ to go trad an’ invest in summa them $50 Astro Antlers they got on special offer in Wal-Mart), stay focused on your body an’ show compassion for any feelings flow on out.

Serene reflection to capes an’ candles to makin’ with the solo masturbationals, Autumn Equinox says you gotta relax all chillsum an’ be super comfy inya beautyflesh.

Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #2 — Your Mind

This Autumn Equinox moment is about eternal change.

Year on year we get Summer switchin’ out to Autumn, but back in the day, people had way different ideas ‘bout shit than we got now.

Their thoughts reflected their times, an’ their reactions to those thoughts betrayed their mortal vulnerability.

So the world is as it is rn, an’ prolly you can’t change much ‘bout that.

An’ your life is how it is rn, an’ … mebbe you got more options for transformation gowin’ down here.

Gotta listen out for that — the bittersweet discourse gowin’ down in your personal space, day to day, week to week.

See, cos there’re changes comin’, a whole world spinnin’ beyond your control.

But you got motivational action power over evrythin’ you do, an’ alla that begins withya ideas an’ dreams an’ desires.

Plz be sure to figure summa that inya ritual — pay special heed to the moment as it plays out in alla that neurocerebral schwango you call thinkin’.

Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #3 — Your Spirit

If we gonna be super scientific, we gotta conclude how Spirit got sumthin’ more dinkily YOU ‘bout it than either Body or Mind.

Flop a boobie out, take holda your dick — you got a beautiful chunka YOU there, but evrythin’ ‘bout alla that wibbloflesh been parta sumthin’ else in the past.

Before alla those shaft molecules an’ nippo atoms got to be orbitin’ Locus You … kinda like the planets orbitin’ the Sun … they was mebbe parta sumone else’s dick or boobies.

Mebbe they was gorilla boobies … or ant stomach … or jus’ a lonely boulder way down bottom in sum prehistoric lagoon.

An’ alla them thoughts you got, inextricably bound to your recycled boobie body — they really YOURS?

Tellya, you been on Twitter, Tumblr or Buzzfeed in the las’ 20 minutes, likely your head gonna be fulla asshole memes, fake nooz, an’ a whole buncha other garbage routinely clogs up an’ sullies hoomanity’s Mutually Shared Cerebellosphere like alla that crappy plastic we now got swillin’ round our oceans an’ fuckin’ on fishykind.

So you gotta set aside a space, apart from Body an’ Mind, that more trooly shimmers benign an’ beautysum with your SPIRIT.

Ain’t gonna presoom to tellya what this is — you alone got privileged access, always — but whileya are cavortin’ about the place as the Equinox drops (adherin’ to proscribed trad antlercraft or bustin’ out on your own unique ticket), please wanna be aware that you persist an’ exist beyond mortal boobiedinkies an’ anythin’ you may be thinkin’.

Spirit don’t sound like no tangible entity, but when super signiffo astro events like Equinoxes play out (an’ remember, such times are so signiffo, they matter to astro skeptics also) you got sumthin’ you can touch on that is neither Body nor Mind.

Plan to see this, discover what you got.

Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #4 — Your Mojo

Tellya, one meme we got doin’ the Shared Cerebellular Rot rounds is alla that stuff ‘bout 90%a our problems bein’ cozza our POV.

More specifically, it says how shit happens, but the worst kinda shit follows from our unhelpful reaction.

I would wanna quibble the exact 90%, an’ I got issues also with sweepin’ motivational mantras an’ ideas can read kinda weird ifya play around with the context … so like this sentiment could figure as a cool way for a super rich elite to oppress a poor or enslaved underclass … but I figure Mojo is essentially self-created.

Mojo is mebbe a stance toward reality you gonna adopt — a positive outlook got no negative opposite.

It is either there to sum degree … or it ain’t.

Tbh, whatever your view on the Equinox, its essential theme is TIME PASSES.

That means (d’oh) it reminds us how all life got a narrative — past, present an’ fyooture.

You gonna gaze into the fyooture, you mebbe gotta take a positive stance (an’ I would want alla the recent Virgo vibe to have primed evryone to fix on sum practical action plans like I mentioned recently on my Tumblr Blaaahg).

So, again, I really don’t give no fuckin’ shit ‘bout howya celebrate the Equinox, but ifya are botherin’ with any kinda ritual at all, you are locatin’ an’ intention or wish an’ schloppin’ it in a frame as the past gives way to the fyooture.

Mojo is the wish goes in your frame, an’ you gotta take a positive stance toward what you expect from yourself in the comin’ months — despite evrythin’ I said about frickin’ Christmas.

Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #5 — Your Drive

Ha!

The more I think about it, the more I recall wantin’ to be thorough when I wrote out my original Spring Fever Cures All plan last Equinox.

Jus’ offerin’ four suggestions seemed kinda stingy, so I threw in sumthin’ extra to round my Super Wise Counsel package up to five.

As it turned out I figure I made a useful distinction between two things mebbe perceived often as the same.

After all, what is Mojo if not Drive?

Weeeeeell … I would wanna consider how Mojo is kinda proto-potential.

It is the energy waitin’ to burst out in a thunderclap, the lava swillin’ round in a volcano before it cums.

Gotta figure with any Autumn Equinox ritual howya are wantin’ to identify an’ refine your magical energies an’ pay heed to other forces playin’ out in the world.

Body, Mind an’ Spirit toonsya in, Mojo firesya up — but what fuckin’ happens next?

See, cos we are nearin’ the enda the ritual here — that moment whenya set gratuitous astrology down an’ go back to your job in the bar as a flirty Gemini, back to your college class as a kickass Virgo … back to your regular Aries-to-Pisces deal, whatever that be.

Ritual don’t change nuthin’ for whenya step out from her confines, what is the fuckin’ point?

So, antlers or no, you gotta invite the potential for change an’ subsequent noo action … so you can walk outta your ritual space renewed an’ replenished.

Wanna thinka this right from the start … an’ the start begins NOW as the Equinox looms, heralded but as yet unborn.

Wanna be changed so your energy got new flow.

Wanna touch on your people with refined an’ re-energized heart.

That is what I am gonna do.

Ain’t decided yet my exact planna action — antlers, Wiccasplatz or chocolate dildo — but I am thinkin’ ‘bout it all now, seekin’ for noo life an’ energy, wantin’ for my super-yet-to-happen Saturday self to be changed for the better by the Equinox (an’ my reflections thereupon) in ways I can experience troothfully, articulate accurately, an’ act on with verve an’ spunko.

Autumn Equinox Rituals — Concludin’ Comments

So, thereya go — a monster practical Autumn Equinox Rituals HOW TO blaaahg post don’t actually tellya what to frickin’ do!

Tellya, Zodiac Cops gonna shoot the butt offa my ass, they find out.

But like I said right at the start, you got opportoonity to bring your unique potentials an’ desires to bear upon a unique astrological phenomenon: Autumn Equinox, 2017-style.

Jus’ cos we know so much about what is comin’, just cos the Afterlife is fulla floaty Zodiac beings handed down tradition ‘pon tradition, don’t mean you gotta play along with anya that schwango.

Be yourself, make your own day … an’ FFS play it how you wanna.

But mebbe spare sum thought for Body, Mind, Spirit, Mojo & Drive, huh?

Title Image c/o Pablo Basagoiti @Unsplash

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<span class="sdata" title="21"></span> <span class="sdata" title="08, 2017"></span>

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Your Definitive Guide

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-08-20T16:33:13+00:00"></span> |Eclipse, Leo, Meditation, New Moon, Practical Astrology|0 Comments

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Your Definitive Guide

So — what is today’s Solar Eclipse really about?

Is it an astronomical event, an astrological event — or jus’ the easiest way to haveya eyeballs burned outta your skull this sidea blowtorchin’ your own face off?

To answer these questions (an’ more), let’s look at the science.

Great Headline Act, Lousy Venue

Thingya gotta remember about any eclipse is how it is jus’ a celestial photo bomb moment.

One planet (typically either the Sun or the Moon) gets in the waya another planet (typically either the Sun or the Moon) an’ showtimes its titties off as it yells Poopy Doo Poopy Doo Poopy Doo Lookit Meeeeeee!

Stoopid part is — we can’t look at the frickin’ thing, not directly anyways.

To see the eclipse, either we gotta wear dumb fashion asshole goggles, slap a sack over our heads, or rig up sum high school camera obscura so we can view FUCK ALL.

What is the pointa THE BIGGEST SHOW ON EARTH FOR 99 YEARS if’n nowan can look directly at it?

Oh, for sure, evrythin’ gonna go dark when it shouldn’t, but that deal kinda happens evry timeya SHUTYA EYES or WAKE AT 3am AN’ GO CRUISE THE STREETS LIKE A POOR, INSOMNIAC BASTARD.

Wanna know the worst part?

This grand celestial planetary woo hoo event only happens for real over a buncha US landmass got nuthin’ livin’ there but frickin’ wildlife.

Call me a city-dwellin’ globalist loser, but are there like any people still livin’ in Idaho, Wyoming, Tennessee or Ken-frickin’-whatevah?

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Astrology On A Stick

Seriously though, gotta figure the 2017 Solar Eclipse gonna be a spectacle we can all embrace — inspirin’ natural imagry an’ energy release combined, all with way more potential to strike a positive chord in hoomanity’s heart than if … say … Donald Trump got his dick out at a White House press conference an’ swooshied it around in a tubba raspberry yogurt while successive alt-right sycophants Hitlered their ring fingers up’n his asshole.

For sure this is a geoplanetary event got all the naked mankind-humblin’ gravitas typically reserved for earthquakes, tornadoes an’ tsunamis — but its import an’ consequences are way more superbeneficial.

Jus’ gotta remember (an’ I knowya seen this evryplace, but I am dooty bound to repeat it cos I know summaya are such stoopid cunts) DO NOT VIEW THE ECLIPSE DIRECTLY.

That way, when evryone streams onto the streets, you can blunder safely through the joobilant hordes takin’ time out from their busy lives to commune as one — clad in stoopid tinted goggles an’ sacks, gazin’ at the world’s greatest natural spectacle in a century on phones an’ tabs — an’ bypass any hospitalizin’ retinal burnout.

Gotta say, anyone on Tinder — be sureta pull onya sexiest underwear beforeya hit the streets cos today is a big one for meetin’ people with a shared interest, tellya.

“Sooo — you into astronomy or astrology?  Which is it?”

“Hey, who cares — jus’ come back to my place RIGHT NOW an’ fuck me so hard up against my refrigerator the ice cubes turn to steam in their trays.”

Point is, gotta remember beyond the spectacle an’ the Professor Lord Sir Stephen Hawking astrophysics how the 2017 Solar Eclipse is primarily an astrological event.

An’ that is why, as a supremely gifted astrologer person, I plan to spend my Solar Eclipse meditatin’ on the hooman condition from the comfort an’ securitya a brand noo yoga outfit I bought specially for the purpose (but which does not fit me an’ will have to be returned to BendyGals RU Ass soon as the frickin’ lights go back on … if’n I don’t drool or cum on it c/o my uncontrollably zen-like **squee** outbursts.)

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Celestial Pointers For Evry Man, Woman, Child & Beest (‘specially alla the frickin’ quadrupeds they got in Idaho, Wyoming etc)

Big deal we got with this Solar Eclipse ain’t so much the 99 years deal, nor even the frickin’ totality.

Those’re jus’ minor details far as I am concerned.

I would wanna look at how the photo bomb moment belongs entirely to showy, generous ol’ Leo.

A real proud noo Leo Moon gonna swank out in fronta a venerable Leo Sun an’ deliver a powerhouse duo romp fulla creative energies … for evryone.

It is a show so visually overpowerin’it cannot (an’ must not) be witnessed first hand — like angels undressin’ in Paradise.

Tellya, this power Moon moment is all about fire an’ heart, peoples — Summer’s final incendiary fling before bikinis turnta dust an’ the Grim Reaper sharpens his scythe on the commercially corrupted Christmas season’s prematurely sparklin’ sheen.

(Or mebbe total nooclear conflict between the US, North Korea, Russia an’ whomsoever stoopid assholes there be. Take yer pick!)

Best deal about the 2017 Solar Eclipse?

This baby is an encore.

Sun an’ Moon pulled a similar trick right at the starta this current Leo phase back in Jooly (an’ latecomers to the astrology scene bandwagonin’ out on the Solar Eclipse till the next lame fake nooz takesya fancy might wanna catch up on the 7 Day Leo SuperBlast kicked alla this off HERE).

What we witnessed back then — sans momentary darkness if’n you were momentarily sensitive to the vibes — was an audacious fire-themed statement to the Cosmos at superlarge aheada a whole buncha planets flyin’ off all retrograde (specifically Plooto in Capricorn).

I would wanna suggest there are sum real dark forces lurkin’ behind the celestial arras right now, an’ real soon we mebbe gonna see how lucky we been this las’ month thanksta the best Leo performance we witnessed for sum time.

(That clarity gonna start droppin’ from the middlea the week when we switch out to Virgo an’ reassess our collective mojo from a substantially less incendiary … an’ decidedly more pernickety … plateau.  But more on that when I’ve had time to make the fucker up…)

So, listen — the one natural spectacle oughta push all the buttons on the visuals deal simply ain’t gonna, an’ because solar eclipses are traditionally difficult to TASTE, SMELL, HEAR or DIRECTLY FEEL, I wanna suggest evryone gets out in the street fulla the Leo vibe as beheld from deep within soul.

Don’t matter ifya are a Pisces, don’t matter ifya are a Gemini, don’t matter ifya are a Nuthin’ Don’t Believe No Astro Crap — a whole buncha real smart catalytic potentials gonna swing offa this Solar Eclipse like the pendulous tinglydangliesa uberhunks, an’ anyone toonin’ in (like the whole frickin’ planet) can slipstream the crap outta the entire Leo vibe.

Practical details for how that works are in this motivational Leo-themed article HERE.

For sure the Solar Eclipse is a tangible phenomenon, but its intangible & metaphorical superpowers mebbe demand a finer costoom than sacks draped over heads an’ stoopid goggles strapped over eyeballs, en masse.

So go drape yourselves in ephemeral raimenta Leonine fire.

You wannit enough, you will feel it.

Step out beyond alla the hordes in the streets starin’ bug-eyed at miniaturized eclipsery on phone after tab after phone like sum alt-reality zombie apocalypse shambletroupe.

This Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) is romantic Sun an’ Moon interplay bypassin’ all immediate sensorium an’ appealin’ direct to your heart.

Gonna sneak its way in throughya skin pores even ifya spend the entire eclipse locked up in a sealed trunk down bottoma the ocean.

Wanna prep for the creative onslaught real smart?

Come join with Moi inya yoga duds for the run-up c/o this dinkily fire-themed astro-meditation.

Nipple Care Durin’ The 2017 Solar Eclipse

One final thing … do not overlook takin’ real sweet careaya dinky protuberals durin’ this mesmerisingly special time.

Jus’ cos we got a global spectacle gowin’ down don’t meanya can neglect life’s essential fleshy parts.

Jus’ sayin’.

Title Image c/o Mohammad Metri @Unsplash

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<span class="sdata" title="24"></span> <span class="sdata" title="07, 2017"></span>

5 Reasons Why Leo Types Are Walkin’ Motivation GIFs

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-09-17T11:45:37+00:00"></span> |Creativity, Leo, Motivation, Practical Astrology|0 Comments

5 REASONS WHY LEO TYPES ARE WALKIN’ MOTIVATION GIFs

& How YOU Can Cruise Along In The Slipstream!

Leo got creative heart in frickin’ abundance, tellya.

An’ in our self-improvin’ Noo Millennial times, anyone smart can look in on what Leo got … an’ take summa that pulsatin’ lifeforce, make it their own.

Gonna showya how YOU TOO can pull on plenty progenerative Leonine majesty — an’ transform from Lame Loser to Walkin’ Motivation GIFs Triumph Person.

(If’n you are Leo anyways, or ifya got Leo stackin’ up the glam power sumplace else inya chart, my wise astro counsel gonna count DOUBLE, K?)

Walkin’ Motivation GIFs — The LEO Essence

Gotta figure sum people landed here cozza motivation ‘steada astrology.

Personally, I do not believe in an uncosy Venn Diagram arrangement says the two are separate.

But anyways, ifya are thinkin’ FFS what am I doing on a lame-ass astrology website??,  jus’ pretendya are a heretic attendin’ a friend’s funeral.

Religious hymn shows, you sing along, right?

Don’t have to believe a word to feel alla the pain.

So here’s how the Leo essence plays, super synopsis style…

Positive deal, Leo combines abundant creativity with abundant generosity.

Leo is courageous, Leo is glam, Leo is warm.

Problem is, you don’t say thanks … an’ really mean it, or ifya call out their gifts or diss their effortlessly persuasive acumen — that is when the big bad cat takes over.

Aggressive, pouty, real hurt.

Real fuckin’ dangerous.

Course, there’s more to Leos than this, but ifya are determined to max out on becomin’ a walkin’ motivation GIF, we gotta start sumplace.

Cool thing is — that sumplace is YOU.

Walkin’ Motivation GIFs Hot Tip #1 —

It’s All About YOU

Wanna look outsideya self for motivation?

Uhm … that is called inspiration, sweetie.

Go check the dictionary — inspiration is about intake.

Converso-flippo, the motivation stuffs are all insideya.

They are there whenya wake up, there whenya go to sleep, there evry timeya take a pee.

Don’t wanna get too lost off on AI imagry here, but ifya thinka yourself as a ROBOT for a sec, mebbe sum basic apartment cleanin’ droid, then askya self what is goin’ down in that tin can’s program?

How in heck does he hoover the carpet, tweezer fluff outta hidey holes, or wash dishes without sum kinda activatin’ direction?

So, listen — you want motivation, you got it.

It ain’t noplace other than YOU.

So quit lookin’ around tryin’ to find the fucker under a rock, K?

Wastea. Your. Time.

Walkin’ Motivation GIFs Hot Tip #2 —

It’s All About COURAGE

Again, we gotta be specific.

Courage don’t always mean leapin’ offa tall buildings an’ battlin’ armored reptilian hordes with sum dinky katana/whip combo.

Sumtimes it jus’ means facin’ the music.

An’ that is what Leo does so good.

She says This is Me, This is What I Got — For sure I am gonna use it an’ make shit roll.

See, cos when I mentioned earlier how Leo got creative energies in abundance, mebbe you made the one critical mistake a whole lotta people make when they hear that.

Mebbe you thought — yeah, Leo has MORE of that creative energy stuff than me.

But what if they actschly got less than you?

Less soulful Self Power?

Jus’ a tiny flickerin’ flame?

I ain’t no mathematician, but I figure anyone got courage to embrace what they got insidea ‘em, an’ accept their gifts an’ talents for what they are, prolly they got more motivational clout than a supersavant genius wastes their life lookin’ under rocks an’ readin’ inspirational literature, desperately seeking “themself” — the same self they got with ‘em evry time they fuckin’ pee.

So — go faceya own music, K?

Lap it up, whatever its seemin’ discord an’ bum notes … an’ however hard that process may be.

Walkin’ Motivation GIFs Hot Tip #3 —

It’s All About GENEROSITY

You playin’ along with Moi so far, prolly you might feel a huuuuuuuum from deep inside right now.

Motivation is there, motivation is insideya, motivation wants sumthin’ to happen.

Gotta figure how mebbe the processa happnin’ stuff is a kinda alchemical reaction.

You takes a buncha motivation stuffs, you makes with the alchemical wuzza-wuzza — an’ future inspiration froths up outta the frickin’ cauldron.

So, yeah, course we all want self-perpetuatin’ motivation, like quittin’ tobacco (if’n ya pseudo-robotically wanna) or ditchin’ the cellulite (if’n you pseudo-robotically needta), butchya gotta watch out for the closed loop.

Gotta rememberya Greek mythology here — the Aeneasella the Frog Queen fable…

Aeneasella sits on a rock all day, catchin’ flies.

Kinda like Narcissus, she is self-obsessed.

Further she can throw out her tongue, the more flies she catches — an’ natchrly, she becomes quite a spectacle.

Attention kinda goes to her head.

An’ this is where the Narcissus deal comes in — the kinda vanity sumtimes manifests when Leo turns inward on self self self an’ omitsta make all generous with the music insidea her she seen an’ faced.

At this point, prolly Aeneasella shoulda said, “thanks for the applause — hey, why don’t I try throwing my tongue out even further? More flies I get, more food we got for everyone.”

But Aeneasella was not generous.

She kept her motivation to herself, an’ this is how inspirational her gifts an’ her story got to be…

Oh, see — cos she flung out her tongue further an’ further, an’ she got fatter an’ fatter an’ fatter, an’ the applause turned to gasps … an’ screams of abject terror, till finally Aeneasella flung her tongue out SO FAR her fuckin’ asshole tugged up hard from behind her an’ ripped her bloated froggy body inside out.

So — you got motivation gowin’ down, go share it out, K?

Walkin’ Motivation GIFs Hot Tip #4 —

It’s All About SHOWTIME

Wanna know what is so lame ‘bout life on Earth?

Mosta the time, it is a writhin’, creepin’, pulsatin’ shit-fest.

You got maggots squirmin’ round insidea dead rats, ants crawlin’ all over one another in a subterranean hellhole — an’ alla that weirdsy semi-transparent deep sea schwango flibble flobblin’ around on the ocean bed.

Sheeeesh! Look away NOW!

But ifya got some creative offerya motivated up real brave from outtaya own discordant music stuffs, FFS you gotta put on a show.

Tellya, theater is an illoominatin’ superwindow on reality.

You got nuthin’ much different from reality on show there through her window, but she is choosy an’ calculatin’ with her message — an’ she transforms otherwise evryday maggotyness into spectacle.

Leo is showy, flamboyant, mebbe even the worst kinda vanity-snortin’ asshole, but the essential deal gowin’ on here is elevation.

Gotta figure a king or queen got sumthin’ real smart to say about elevation!

Always, there is a level higher to be reached, a bigger platform upon which to stage ideas or motivation-derived products — be they poems or songs or apartment cleanin’ robots with pulse-action dusters bustin’ outta their dicks.

Coolest thing about hoomans is … we ain’t fuckin’ maggots.

An’ what our motivation brings to bear upon the world don’t gotta be no lacklustre vanilla.

Otherwise, what is the fuckin’ point?

Walkin’ Motivation GIFs Hot Tip #5 —

It’s All About PRIDE

Do sumthin’ smart, you gotta own it.

Do sumthin’ takes allya got — courage to see it, courage to deliver it — you gotta own it.

Do sumthin’ transforms the livesa others for the super positive whenya are generous an’ give it away — you gotta own it.

Do sumthin’ people remember … cosya lifted ‘um up sum — you gotta own it.

An’ why so?

To guarantee your place toppa the cheesey smiley Sun Shines Outta My Frickin’ Ass leaderboard?

Hell, no — cos that ain’t pride, that is hoobris.

Gotta remember the whole pointa motivation is how it is not 100% reliable or successful.

Not evrythin’ gonna work out.

Do sumthin’ dumb, you gotta own it.

Do sumthin’ takes allya got — courage to see it, courage to deliver it — an’ it BOMBS — you gotta own it.

Do sumthin’ impacts not so good on the livesa others for super stoopids whenya are generous an’ give it away after it all looked real neat on paper — you gotta own it.

Do sumthin’ people remember … cos they mockya for it relentlessly — you gotta own it.

That is a hard kinda pride, but without it, prolly you gonna spendya life at the mercya forces you cannot control.

Hey, so when you done sum good an’ took a real shot at bustin’ out on positive zeal, gotta giveya self credit, K?

Show don’t last forever, an’ too many people either can’t or won’t contribute positively.

So take heart an’ contribute positively.

Motivation is all about YOU — reasonya heart beats.

Motivation is all about COURAGE — gotta have heart to faceya own music.

Motivation is all about GENEROSITY — gotta have heart to go dish the bounty.

Motivation is all about SHOWTIME — gotta have heart to elevate vanilla to spectacle.

Motivation is all about PRIDE — gotta have heart to own your shit, good or down the frickin’ pan.

Walkin’ Motivation GIFs — Go Step Out & Be One

You feel it now?

That boom boom boom thingya got gowin’ down deep inside — even more regular than takin a pee?

Then, hey — whatchya fuckin’ around here for?

Go join alla the other walkin’ motivation GIFs captivatin’ attention in the writhin’ maggot panorama.

Go make like a LEO.

Ifya have enjoyed this article, an’ the insanely positive vibe it thrusts beforeya, you might wanna look in at more motivation stuffs I got — like my first ever blog post or this practical mindfulness exercise for Fire Signs. If, however, you jus’ want THE TITTIES — then go HERE.

Title Image c/o Plasterbrain @Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="10"></span> <span class="sdata" title="07, 2017"></span>

Sagittarian Firepower

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-07-11T07:47:12+00:00"></span> |Creativity, Fire Signs, Initiative, Motivation, Practical Astrology, Sagittarius|0 Comments

SAGITTARIAN FIREPOWER

Wanna talk longbows an’ crossbows withya, kinda Sagittarian Firepower.

I got no agenda here especially — this is jus’ horsey gal frankness shootin’ off into the Void in hopea sparkin’ up maxo fyooture swankospankiness as tippa bolt mebbe grazes twinklea star.

Intrested? Prolly You Should Leave Now If’n You Ain’t.

Thing is, I love how those Medieval guys travelled far an’ wide for the best materials they could find, hackin’ down trees, beatin’ off wolves, forgin’ stuff outta iron — an’ battlin’ with occasional dragons the sizea frickin’ asteroids.

(An’ before anya you Virgo types haul me up by my historicals, I am not tryin’ to pull a simultaneously existent hoomans an’ dinosaurs trip here with longbows an’ crossbows in the contexta the entire Medieval epoch — so SIT DOWN, willya?)

Gotta figure life was tough before the Rennayesance.

Mosta what we noo millennium dwellers would consider to be our lifetime was, for those guys, merely an opportoonity to jump on death’s bandwagon via the mediuma crappo healthcare, unrestrained plague bugs, an’ fearful overlords overdosin’on the adrenalin-pumped sugar rush comes with slashin’ to pieces friend an’ foe alike with blades humongo enough to fell Redwoods.

Sum lousy Dear Diary that all was.

(Tellya, back then they got outta control scabrousness an’ infections, zero experiencea nachos, an’ undergarments gonna shrivel desire along withya tinglydanglies. Pas pour Moi!)

I guess the only thing stoppin’ evryone from weepin’ at the thought that mebbe the fyooture was gonna get way brighter one day after their short an’ miserable lives had counted for nuthin’ (an’ what losers they were for bein’ born into the wrong epoch etc etc) was the even more disturbin’ thought that their miserable plight was gonna prevail for all eternity.

Prolly the only thing made life viable was shootin’ sum deer or frickin’ duck an’ gatherin’ round the fire to chomp ‘pon sinew an’ beak, blissfully ignoranta chipotle reflux burpo.

Anyways, to hell with alla that.

This is an astrology website, not sum academic discourse ‘bout the rights an’ wrongs of what a buncha dentally challenged & hierarchically enslaved freakos believed was true in the Darkest of Ages.

So we gotta wonder, dear reader, when it comes to expectations ‘boutya present moment history-in-the-makin’ — areya fated to be a loser for the resta your life?

Is your evry atomic particle cast from the driven madness of sum impendin’ Apocalypse?

Or does spinna planets, dancea celestial orbs, got effortlessnessa mutability you can reach out an’ cup inya hand — an’ abuse to your advantage?

I would wantcha to think for a moment ‘bout pluckin’ sum dream outta the sky asya stand before the heavens in alla your beautyflesh.

An’ cos we’re talkin’ missile weapons here, what better waya figurin’ the small detaila nailin’ distant objects than by meansa a super pointy arrow, lined up an’ fired true by your own hand-eye-butt buncha physioselfstuffs.

So C’mon — Up On Your Feet, You Lazy Sucker! Get Ready For Sum Sagittarian Firepower!

This is where we get all interactive, kinda virtual VR, an’ turn slacker generation webfodder inertiatox into aerobic exercise gonna saveya when zombie mutants rise upta huntya down, fat frickin’ snowflake ass first.

Cos you got your bow withya, right?

Here all along, andya know it — jus’ mebbe never brandished its transmutational ballistics with sufficient bravado before.

So, gowan, twang the string, hear it ker-ping — like Ed Sheeran pluckin’ a pubo d’Or outta his ass to clear a path for the sun’s rays.

Feel the smooth curvesa the limb pullin’ tight on the string, let ‘em ooze out beneath your fingertips asya reach over your shoulder to your quiver.

[Optional Side Quest — you got sum fancy elven cape drapin’ offaya, its fine tassles ticklin’ the backsa your knees.]

Arrow got tightest feathers, essencea silk an’ daggers, so go draw it outta your quiver, slow an’ neat, hear it hiss a valiant farewell to its fellows as its tip pulls back gentle over their shafts.

Then knock it, ready to fire.

*scowls*

FFS put your frickin’ phone down an’ do this PROPER, OK?

Howya gonna focus with that stoopid thing pumpin’ crap inya frickin’ face like sum ditzo teen driver rammin’ the ass offa the rear fendersa the planet?

So, yeah, lose the phone, feel the bow, (an’ the optional cape an’ bandana … did I mention the bandana?), knock the arrow an’ —

Waitaminute. We forgot sumthin’. Sumthin’ real important.

Kinda got lost off here in the sensual glowa the physical, forgettin’ you gonna shoot this arrowa yours off sumplace an’ thus require full functionalitya your cerebellular area.

So, hey — where an’ what is the target?

I dunno whereya are right now, standin’ proud as fuck withya illusory weapon shimmerin’ inya hand — mebbe your favo room, your garden, or a coffee shop fulla people wondrin’ what in hell you’re doin’ — but we gotta getcha sum pointa focus.

Sum sweet spot jus’ outta reach.

Cos what is the pointa firin’ off imaginary arrows at stuffya already got?

Those things ain’t targets, they’re possessions.

An’ when I say outta reach, I’m talkin’ beyond all sensation — kinda further out than your eyeballs can see (both your bodily balls an’ their internal an’ imaginary-asya-bow “mind’s eye” braino versions).

See, pick out sum distant target you can see, an’ in termsa sensibility it kinda becomes as mucha a possession as the groundya got to stand on, the tangibly unevident bowya got inya hand, an’ anythin’ you can name (even if it is sum made-up word like summa the schwango I regularly drop as surprises on Google jus’ for kicks).

You could aim for that kinda stuff, but pointa the exercise is to makeya look frickin’ stoopid to question what it meansta have a target to aim at, an’ how your place in time an’ space, allied to the stanceya take to alla that, kinda determines what targets — viewa what targets — gonna be possible forya.

Cos unless those Medieval guys had done whatever it is that they did when stuff looked as bad as it was, we would alla us still be firin’ off missiles at frickin’ ducks, bleedin’ our diseased innards outta our thrush-cacked twennysumthin’ assholes, an’ dyin’ early before we had the luxurya experiencin’ Alzheimer’s or liver rot from decadesa alcohol abuse.

Wherein, quirka fate, lyethya twist?

So Let’s Get Serious With The Filosophical Aspecta Sagittarian Firepower, Huh?

Hmmm. Prolly you can putchya bow down for a sec an’ giveya arm a rest while we muse on this diresta conundrums — together, as a brain-bustingly enlightened symbiotic phenomenon.

Thing is — what you gonna do right now to make the fyooture diffrent?

(An’ for full effect, you prolly gotta thinka yourself as a flea-nibbled, urine-stinky, toothless, scab-encrapped, coughin’, wheezin’snotballa Dark Ages serfjunk, your shit-starched wooden undergarments bulgin’ their codpiece pride thanksta a pulsatin’ swampa genital bugs writhin’ all overya dick an’ cunnyhole on the exponentially progenerative frickin’ rampage.)

C’mon — you got your bow an’ arrow ready, an’ then some stoopid bunny rabbit jus’ hopped inta view (cos the people in your hamlet backwater shot alla the ducks) — so what you gonna do to impact on the fyooture?

Or is your fate all down to the randomly happ’nin’ lapin?

She hops into your experienced reality on sum booby doo hopsy skipsy trip, an’ your every wishawhim orbits her buncannily beguilin’ presence cos any initiativeya got for doin’ sumthin’ else been hijacked?

In which case, what has the bunny got in its Life Direction locker over your haplessly incontrovertible defaulteeism?

What is the difference between your opportoonity either to procreatively impact on the world or haplessly react to it … an’ the correspondin’ buncha potentials an’ circumstances Cap’n Flopsy Wopsypants got?

Cos you can only aimya arrow at what is out there, an’ what is out there is the only possible target forya arrow, right?

*FFS … c’mon…*

For progress gonna blitz the crabfest outtaya pants an’ shine upya teeth to beam with glee, sumhow you gotta see beyond all possibly available targets.

We have those already; they are here.

Sure, gonna take time to figure ‘em out — fix up the right kinda bow an’ train up the stamina an’ skill to wield her — but what are we sposeta do while alla that is playin’ out?

Sit idle?

Wait for the magica illoominated solutions to roll out when they are fully cooked an’ resoom all speculation only when we taste for seasonin’?

Let’s Rev Up The Sagittarian Firepower An’ Quit Bein’ Assholes

You are Eye, an’ you are Flesh, an’ you are Heart.

Gotta start out with Eye, cos all things sensible are fulla holes, an’ trooly it is the infinite space between shit whereya gotta do sum aimin’.

Monster frickin’ expansea quasi-vapor we got between the Sun an’ the Earth is kinda the reason why alla us are here.

That buncha zilcho is real important in the relationship between alla the non-zilcho, tellya.

Place two non-zilcho tangibles together — coupla possessions mebbeya already got — an’ sumthin’ squirts up from outta the ZilchoVoid an’ glistens between ‘em like the semena invention.

Evry couplin’ suggests multiple links, bonds or potentially conjoinin’ forces — nonea which exists sufficiently to be perceived prior to the union.

Oh, but beforeya amygdala does an Alien-from-outtaya-stomach downya throat kinda panic thing cosya are thinkin’ what in fuck is this ditzo astrologer dribblin’ on about?, jus’ gotta reassureya that ifya are in a coffee shop … on the metro or in the mall … nonea the dangerous shit I mentioned earlier involves semen; I am nuthin’ if not a firm believer in a lacka gloopy ickyness in public places.

Semen here is jus’ a metaphor.

Prolly best to thinka sumthin’ else sparkly an’ silvery, like mebbe the stars I mentioned, starta this article — the ones mebbe tippa your arrow gonna graze as it flies between ‘em into a ZilchoVoid gotta be filled with sumthin’ cos its essence is onea betwixtiture as suggested by any coupla starsya choose.

Or any coupla anythin’.

So, up onya feet withya bow, an’ … name two thingsya see — NOW!

Call em’ out, possess their evidence, jus’ like sum rabbit boobled out in frontaya stinky pant pilea Medieval serfjunk.

Whateverya got right now — call it out.

Beard guy! Coffee cup! Pajamas! Rain! Tarantula! Bikini! Gimpo espedrilles!

Hell, I dunno — whateverya got inya life right this moment NOW!

Not my place to conjecture thatya are a seriously weird fucker!

Sagittarian Firepower says target is there in the interplay between those two thingsya got, the suggestions come pourin’ outta jus’ movin’ ‘em up close for scrutiny … or aim … an’ the closerya fit your coupla stuffs together, the more you gonna see shape an’ form grow outta the ZilchoVoid so’s you can figure on its potentially transformative an’ illusory &ness.

But DO NOT FIRE OFF YET, do not be impulsive.

Wieldin’ that bowa yours gonna take sum physical aptitood.

You are Eye, an’ you are Flesh, an’ you are Heart, remember?

See, I know whatya jus’ did, anyaya played along an’ psyched upta take a pop at that spaceya jus’ opened up outta the ZilchoVoid got sumthin’ there — paintin’-cum-book, hatdude-cum-sneaker, pillow-cum-zombie (fuuuuuuuck! It has begun!) — I saw howya movedta act.

But I wanna pullya up on sumthin’.

Bow weighs less than air, so whydya lean back?

Gotta stay upright, gotta stay on your feet.

Bein’ formeda momentary confluxstuffs, target ain’t truly fixed — an’ neither are you.

So quit leanin’ back an’ lockin’ your legs all stiffo.

Keep sum fluid inya knees an’ thinka firin’ offya arrow like sum dancer switchin’ dynamic form as she balances from perky stance to perky stance.

Cos that is kinda what the planets’re doin’ — exhibitin’ fluidity an’ explorin’ the space they got between ‘em.

Tellya, I love watchin’ animated modelsa the solar system, seein’ grace plucked outta the random on an Earth-sustainin’ swirl.

Nuthin’ is static here, nothin’ trooly stops, an’ the only genuine freezeya got is mebbe sumthin’ like Neptoon, cos partsa her ass’re like minus a zillion degrees, which in layman’s terms means she gonna freezeya frickin’ tits off.

Point is, do not fix to fireya imaginary bow.

Strain gonna meanya mebbe miss the target, an’ thenya gonna be real pissed off, mebbe give up.

Vision, strength an’ flexibility — those’re 2 outta your 3 Sagittarian Firepower essentials.

So gowan, stay loose, an’ loose your arrow.

Fwoooooooooooooooooooooooossshhhh!

Returnin’ to the stoopid rabbit in the Medieval village packin’ full-on gonorrhea, gotta figure what happens afterya pluck sublime novelty from outta the ZilchoVoid.

This a bunny worth eatin’?

Or didya jus’ target a dud?

Truth is, not evrythin’ gonna be anythin’ cos, hey — why should it?

Mebbe that buncha confluxstuffya jus’ nailed withya arrow is kinda dumb or lame.

An’ mebbe you even tried this coupla times now, same effect.

*scowl* *pout* *poopy pants*

But this is where Heart figures in the Sagittarian Firepower deal, cosya must not be discouraged — even ifya fire off all frickin’ day for sweet FA.

Thing is, you don’t pick up the bow, an’ you don’t get nuthin’.

Keep searchin’, keep onya feet an’ firin’ off, for sure you gonna land sumthin’, sumtime.

An’ ifya can keep gowin’, lame after lame after lame after useless fuckin’ loser asshole lame, pretty soon you gonna hit on sumthin’ real special.

It is true that occasionally ideas hitya “outta the blue”, but most times your role in this process is kinda passive — havin’ done sum thinkin’, you are an enlightened recipienta subsequent fruits.

Up onya feet with a bow, actively nailin’ phantasms from outta the ZilchoVoid in real time, you switch out from bein’ Passive-reflective Person to Procreatively Entreprenoorial Colossus.

I dunno, sumthin’ ‘bout bein’ a colossus kinda levelsya up, an’ makin’ with the lame don’t happen so often.

Weird, butchya get kinda choosier ‘bout alla the nuthin’.

Good stuff kinda jus’ starts stackin’ up.

An’ whenya piled up a whole buncha phantasmal treasures, wrested from beyond immediately tangible targets, mebbe thenya gotta figure the final parta the Sagittarian Firepower deal.

Question is, how may times d’ya think those pus-orificed & toothless Medieval bow guys struck out into the forest huntin’ for bunnies … an’ kept alla the bunny meat for themselves?

As in they shot a bunny, cooked the fucker all secret behind a tree, then consoomed it all alone with a special knife an’ fork they knitted outta reeds an’ hid in their boots?

I would so that, for sure.

Easier with, I dunno, sum … sandwich — sumthin’ don’t need cookin’.

Yeah, I guess those bow guys pulled that stunt a few times.

But not always, an’ not forever.

They do that, they transform into the useless bow guy always comes back with fuckin’ nuthin’.

Actschly, lemme rephrase that.

They transform into the useless — an’ uncannily overweight for sumone hangin’ out in the scabrousness-friendly Medieval epoch — bow guy always comes back with fuckin’ nuthin’.

An’ who wants a cunt like that on their team?

So, hey, gonna pluck stuff outta nuthin’ withya bow, gotta figure this is shitya gotta hand out to folks don’t got nonea it.

Fuck bein’ selfish — momentya see the kinda stuff that is trooly out there, the moreya see mosta it is stuffya bring back.

Perhaps it is my own weird thing, I dunno, but I got sumthin’ for people walk out to the edgea the Void an’ return with bounty gonna rev the show up sum.

I would be mortified to sack essencea angels only to return home an’ mount it on my livin’ room wall in a bottle.

Heart to go seek, heart to share.

Otherwise what is gowin’ on?

The hooman race strides forward for all eternity, packin’ the same rottin’ teeth, plague-ravaged bodies an’ genitalia awash with acrobatic crab fountains?

Or the same thing happens, minus a few selfish fuckers locked inside their bunkers oglin’ treasures whose value they cannot ever understand…?

Title Image c/o RoyalHoliday @Morguefile

(Strictly speakin’, archer gal should have the full Sagittarian horsey ass deal gowin’ on,

but I picked her cos she got real perky boobies an’ the kinda meaty thighs

I would wanna see standin’ their ground whenever cool shit is flyin’ off..)

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<span class="sdata" title="22"></span> <span class="sdata" title="05, 2017"></span>

Are You A True Astro Aficionado — Your Ultimate Inner Zodiac Quiz

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-03-23T11:30:15+00:00"></span> |Astro Quiz, Choice, Practical Astrology|0 Comments

ARE YOU A TRUE ASTRO AFICIONADO?

YOUR ULTIMATE INNER ZODIAC QUIZ!

Does astrology fillya with unbridled passion for mystery beyond the skies?

Does the Zodiac inspireya to go huntin’ forya soulmate with an ephemeris clutched tight to your bosom?

Wouldya die if celestial augury-style wonders ceased to exist an’ were replaced by 24/7 diktats from on high — much like Donald Trump’s instructions to his beleaguered stylist?

Or areya stoppin’ by here jus’ to see if I got so stoopid frickin’ drunk I posted lurid pixa my fanj an’ titties?

Gotta hopeya are a true stargazy buff, O sweet observa wonders!

Cos this is where we discover — in 10 cunningly calibrated questions — whether you is Super Horoscope Enthoosiasm Person or Totally Lame In the Spiritual Enlightenment Department Kinda Asshole!

Coolest thing?

This super dinky inner zodiac quiz works for all star signs.

Aries to Pisces to actshly I’m a frickin’ skeptic, Miss Loopy Doops Astroflaps!

So — no cheatin’, no peekin’, no foolin’ around!

Answer sweet an’ answer frank an’ answer true!

All will be revealed … about YOU …

1) Anti-astrology beings from a parallel Zero Horoscopes Here dimension rip through a wormhole into our parta the Cosmos, bearin’ Zodiac-destroyin’ weaponry an’ screamin’ “to hell with your stupid stars — we are gonna blitz all things astrological from the face of reality … FOREVER!!!”  What next?

a) Aw, gosh — that is such a bummer cos I really enjoyed bein’ a [insertya star sign here].

b) Listen, pal — we got Tom Frickin’ Cruise, so watch your step!

c) Gonna fight you till I got no strength left in my body — and even if I should fall, and you loom over me like a deathly colossus in my final seconds of life, I’ll still be biting for your balls with all I got.

2) Your sweetheart is bringin’ you off real yummo. An’ it’s … it’s … cummin’

a) You scream … Oooooh! Ooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaah! Fuuuuuuuuck!

b) You scream … Astrology! Astrology! Astrologyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

c) You scream … Before I forget … my cat is sick … so watch out later … she don’t spew on your paa-aaa-aaants …

3) Uh oh — you absentmindedly signedya name wrong on sum legal documents. Again! So what you just writ?

a) I love astrology so bad I could die. Let its sustaining waves lap over me as if I were being tongued sweet and true by androgynous cunnilingual angels!

b) Your username for Astropeeps.com.

c) Your regular name — but with one additional letter from onea the starsigns (eg mebbe an L from Leo or an N from Capricorn or an I from Gemini, meanin’ if you put sumthin’ like X or Q or K, it is jus’ a stoopid typo an’ don’t count for the purposesa this revealin’ an’ fun quiz).

4) Daydreams possessya — an’ you are lulled into delisho reverie. What imagry plays beforeya as Hypnos hugsya closeta his illusory heart?

a) I see bunnies.

b) I see bunnies, crabs, rams, bulls, scorpions, lions, fish — plus sum real weirdo people on a seesaw and a quasi-chimeric goat-cum-fish thing riding a real dumb looking fuckin’ horse.

c) What in hell is Hypnos? That some new male grooming product targets hipsters suffering from Booger Beard?

5) Reality Check. Go readya Monthly Horoscope right away! Then ask — this an accurate reflectiona your persona? Or a lucky guess hits the sweet spot c/o pseudo-scientific garbage?

a) Hey, I’m a believer, O Princess! And of all the scopes in the galaxy, yours are consistently the most accurate, heartfelt — and fun!

b) Astrology is the shitting of the masses by the excrement of the Ultrabogus.

c) Why is there still no 13th sign of the Zodiac? Surely it’s time the Cosmos levelled up?

6) It is La La Land. Openin’ scene on the freeway. An’ you are dancin’. How do the stars infuseya terpsichorean wherewithal with pizzazz (an’ mebbe a generous splatteringa glamor)?

a) They don’t. My body is a physiological entity and I am a naturally rhythmic person. I just felt like dancing, is all.

b) Beat comes on — you just gotta move. But are you suggesting that astrology might influence my choice of joggers?

c) We are all material objects spinning in the void. When we swirl and flit and meet in sweet caress, it is because we are divine beings on a celestial mission. Plus — I so love fuckin’ twerking!

7) Your sweetheart jus’ walked out the door. “Forever.”  That last word cutya so deep — but why did this tragedy happen?  Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

a) I guess we were astrologically incompatible. Some things are not meant to be.

b) Fuckin’ shitbrain! *scowl* *pout* *stomp* *pout* *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*

c) So … uhm … I accidentally spilled hot water on my ex-sweetheart’s pet terrapin. Happens.

8) Opposites attract — but sometimes it’s warfare. How acutely aware areya ‘bout your own personal astrological nemesis?

a) I understand astrology implicitly — essence to element, house to transit — and I got every single [insert starsigna known nemesis here] nailed to within an inch of its stupid freaking life. No lame [insert starsigna known nemesis here — only this time, mebbe growl real mean] gets past me, sister.

b) I am a goober no-hoper regularly gets stiffed. You saying this is all the fault of astrology — and not simply because I’m so intrinsically flawed my life is a living hell?

c) I keep tabs on my enemies using a variety of strategies, of which astrology is just one. Right now, I’m working on measuring people’s latent aggression by watching how they consume cupcakes.

9) Canya tell sumone’s starsign by the way they kiss?

a) Don’t be preposterous! Next you’ll be suggesting that magic is for real and dolphins can become invisible at will!

b) Is this an academic question — or are you suggesting I go try it out and see?

c) Every ridge and furrow of my tongue laps up the truth of the Cosmos — and no one remains incognito on my watch.

10) One question to go, confirmed astro-fiend —

a) Wait — did you just call me an astro-fiend? How presumptuous! How insulting! Listen, you irresponsible old crank, I fully intend to make it to the end of this stupid quiz having amassed zero fucking points, leaving both you and astrology to wallow in the sorry tears of your own irrelevance!

b) Ooh ooh — did I win? Please say I won — and there’s a trophy!

c) No need to ask any further! I was born a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy, I live each day as a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy, and I will die a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy! Viva astrology! Rah Rah Rah!

Are You A True Astro Aficionado?

Let The Inner Zodiac Quiz Reveal All!

You ready to have the beansa truth spilled overya head till the sauce dribbles all overya boobies?

Then prepare to discover — definitively — whether you is Astrofiend Incarnate or Celestial Skepticism’s Ardentest Ever Disser!

Here’s how the scorecard looks…

1 — A1 B2 C3

2 — A2 B3 C1

3 — A3 B2 C1

4 — A2 B3 C1

5 — A3 B1 C2

6 — A1 B2 C3

7 — A2 B3 C1

8 — A3 B1 C2

9 — A1 B2 C3

10 — A1 B2 C3

Now go pick up a maths whizz from the store — prolly the zero fashion guy in specs oglin’ alla the porno — an’ power ‘em up for the addition…

Score 10 —

Think You’re So Clever, Huh?

Ha!  I seen whatya did!

Desperate to cast aspersions on astrology at evry turn (mebbe cosya are sum divinity professor) you jus’ flunked out on my generous quiz so’s you could publish the results in sum stoopid journal an’ roast stargazy stuffs in academic flames.

Like I frickin’ care!

Score 11-18 —

Astro Devotee

It’s … lookin’ good.

Better than … nuthin’ … I guess.

But mebbe you wanna go fix up a starsign tattoo?

Sumplace prominent — like mebbe onya face?

It’s not that you are bordeline lame or nuthin’.

Jus’ probably need a little reminder from time to time, K?

‘Bout the astro enthoosiasm, remember?

Score 19-25 —

Astro Tits Floppin’ From Devotion’s Bra

Let it never be said that you are frequently found wantin’ in the Zodiacal Thrusto department.

You know your stars, you trustya auguries, an’ mebbe you got pets named after obscure celestial moons.

Friends gather at your feet to pull in your wisdom, lovers crave your astrologically-enhanced juices — an’ asya romp through the day, the planets shine their Zodiac-powered illoominations super sweet onya ass.

*Winna*

Score 26-30 —

So Astro Zealot! So Zodiac-crazed! So Spunky!

Tellya, you are outta frickin’ control!

Mebbe you are even totally fuckin’ annoyin’!

Yanno — like a puppy dog wants nuthin’ more than to lick lick lick lick lick run run run lick lick lick chase ball chase ball run run lick chase ball run lick run run run lick chase ball chase ball all fuckin’ day.

Jus’ SLOW DOWN before sumone PUNCHESYA IN THE CHOPS, K?

We both know astrology is jus’ so super cool it makesya feel warm an’ gooey inside, but there is no need to behave like a total dickbrain.

Actschly, it is prolly cozza people like you that regular folks get so anti-frickin’-astro.

“Dear sweet Jesus — that gal down the street is off her face ditzoid! Astrology this, astrology that — she should be locked the fuck up.

“Have you seen that weird book he carries round with him all the time? It’s not a novel or text book — it’s just full of numbers. Really weird looking … numbers!

“She speaks to the Moon. Can you believe that? In 2017! When we have science and convenience foods — and guns!

So yeah, things’re kinda anal retento out there rn, so you gotta take care.

My suggestion?

Buy a frickin’ parrot an’ get sum pirate clothes.

Deflect attention away from the astrology deal by mixin’ it with Depp-inspired braggadocio.

Prolly that gonna fix the naysayers real good…

“Dear sweet Jesus — that gal down the street is off her face ditzoid! Astrology this, astrology that, treasure chest crammed with doubloons the other — she should be locked the fuck up. Just gotta decide whether she deserves regular jail or a walk along the plank to the bottom of the ocean!”

“Have you seen that weird book he carries round with him all the time? It’s not a novel or text book — it’s just full of numbers. Really weird looking … numbers!  And that hat of his is totally ridiculous. Why can’t he wear a regular baseball cap? Or at very least cut his hair short and neat. Like a soldier.”

“She speaks to the Moon. Can you believe that? In 2017! And the parrot echoes her every word. Why keep a parrot as a pet when we have dogs and cats and rabbits? It’s outlandish to behold a parrot anyplace outside a jungle or zoo. Where did she obtain such a pet? Has a parrot shop opened up in the mall?”

See how the pirate strategy lets overzealous astrology offa the hook?

Your Inner Zodiac Quiz — The Scholarly Conclusion

Tellya, there is more to Moi than mere superaccurate astrological counsel an’ zero a cappella prowess.

I am srsly packin’ the lifehack tips also.

So come back next Monday see what I got, huh?

Sun is in Gemini right now, so you jus’ KNOW I am gonna be rustlin’ up sumthin’ super practical gonna relaxya strained astro-orifi an’ let the celestial vapors waft outtaya like synchronized vape wisps from a sponge…

Title Image c/o Mira De Shazer @Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="1"></span> <span class="sdata" title="05, 2017"></span>

How Astrology Gonna SLAY Your Evil Imaginary Friends

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-05-08T13:38:40+00:00"></span> |Cosmic Roolz, Imaginary Friends, Practical Astrology, Relationships|0 Comments

HOW ASTROLOGY GONNA SLAY YOUR EVIL IMAGINARY FRIENDS

No childhood misery is more unbearable than whenya got evil imaginary friends.

Those critters tag along till adulthood, you are in real big frickin’ trouble, tellya.

Thing is — where do these guys come from?

An’ can astrology helpya boot ‘em outta your poor, persecuted braino?

Evil Imaginary Friends — The Historical Background

Blame for the rise in evil imaginary friends worldwide in the 20th Century lies solely with J.M. frickin’ Barrie — yanno, the guy wrote Peter Pan?

Barrie was a Taurus, but insteada eatin’ pies all day an’ preservin’ his finest farts in jars, he did that weird thing down-to-earth-&-real-borin’ Taurus types sumtimes do — an’ came up with shit so loopsy doops crazy he coulda almost been an Aquarian or Piscean replicant.

Point is, Peter Pan is fulla imaginary people.

Sum posh London kids an’ their fuckin’ stoopid dog meet up with the boy who gonna live forever, tyepa thing.

But what most people don’t get about this story is how the key imaginary friend is not Pan himself.

He is the one real person in the story — an’ it is Wendy, Michael, John, Hook, Tinkerbell an’ the crocodile who are the illusions.

An’ when the story ends, Pan is wracked by sadness an’ despair cos alla his pals can’t play no more

(Go read the book, then hold it closeta your ear afterya reach THE END an’ mebbe you can hear him weepin’ in the darkness.)

Reason we got so many evil imaginary friends fuckin’ on our souls right now is cozza Pan.

He wanted revenge for losin’ his own friends so bad, he thought up a whole buncha villains to go plague evryone else.

That is the kinda thing wounded people sumtimes do.

But like alla us, Pan is governed by Mother Cosmosis’ Cosmic Roolz.

Know your starsign, you got a handle on alla your evil imaginary friends.

An’ now you gonna learn how to boot ‘em the fuck outta your life an’ get sum peace!

Aries — Evil Imaginary Friends Gonna Bossya Pants Off

Rebellious rompin’ fulla self-servin’ zest an’ verve!

Those are the energies Aries packs in spades.

But Cancer gonna cry if she don’t get her way, an’ Capricorn jus’ gonna stopya doin’ shit you want.

So ditch the fuckers an’ move on, no weepin’.

Taurus — Evil Imaginary Friends Gonna Stealya Toys

Leos think they own evrythin’ — even stuff that is clearly YOURS.

An’ Aquarius thinks all material possessions belong to evryone, regardlessa actual ownership.

Plus, they bust shit jus’ to see how it works.

So getcha baseball bat back offa Leo — swingin’ it round his head & shriekin’ lookit me lookit me — an’ smack him in the teeth with the fucker.

Any luck, he’ll trample Aquarius to death as he quitsya life.

Gemini — Evil Imaginary Friends DO NOT GET YOU

Howya gonna brush upya witticisms ifya imaginary patsies play real awkward?

“I kinda see where you’re coming from,” says Virgo, “but that last quip you made about male genitalia resembling an elephant’s head fails to differentiate between Indian and African pachyderms.”

“Yeah,” says Pisces. “And my imaginary friend said it funnier than you did, you fraud.”

Jus’ show these losers the door.

They got no livesa their own an’ they will walk.

Cancer — Evil Imaginary Friends Won’t Play Doctors & Nurses

Aw…alla your imaginary friends’re so very ill.

Time to snuggle them up warm an’ safe an’—

“LET’S PLAY AT KILLING!” screams Aries, throwin’ off her blanket. “REAL FIGHTING WITH REAL BLOOD!”

You turn to ask Libra for help — but she’s fucked off sumplace to play on her own.

Thing is, you are the ultimate imaginer, so go do sumthin’ don’t figure too much IRL.

Look Aries dead in the eye an’ scream “I hate you!”

An’ mean it.

Those guys play fiery but their feelings are so very easy to wound.

Leo — Evil Imaginary Friends Ignoreya & Form Their Own Clique

It’s that horrid moment whenya energies finally give out, an’ you quit chargin’ around all flamboyant — an’ your imaginary friends don’t applaud.

Worse still, they are sittin’ in the corner snickerin’ to themselves — Scorpio, cos she clearly started the sneerin’ an’ backbitin’, an’ Taurus, cos he is jus’ so stoopid he gonna be led astray by anyone.

Tellya, they don’t want your generous glories, they can haveya pee.

So go find a bucket an’ fill it up.

Then wash their cynical frickin’ mouths out, see how they like it.

Virgo — Evil  Imaginary Friends Don’t Stick To The Rules

“So, let’s be clear. A nuclear fusion rifle is more powerful than a standard ballistic blaster, and both these weapons are superior to the daggers we’ll all be using. But if you’re wearing antigravity armor, you can’t use your dagger because it will rupture the fabric, and if you die from a ballistic blaster wound, you’re out of the game for 30 seconds until you receive medical assistance, which only I can perform — unless we’re playing the imaginary medi-bot rules, in which case—“

“Let’s just finger our cunnies,” says Sagittarius.

“Yeah,” says Gemini, “and post to Snapchat.”

Easiest wayta deal with these abominable Vulgarity Beests?

Think Zen, think grace — an’ walk away.

Libra — Evil Imaginary Friends Think UR A Soft Touch

Uh oh — Cancer an’ Capricorn’re back again.

Aries got real mad with ‘em an’ slung ‘em out.

But they seen how you are so super soft an’ don’t want for any trouble, an’ now they gonna trample onya patch.

Tellya, these guys really hate zany frivolity — an’ they cannot frickin’ sing to save their own tits!

All they wanna do is trudge around playin’ real borin’ evryday stuff — like shops, or actual games don’t need no imagination, like frickin’ Monopoly.

I understand how conflict is real difficult sumtimes, so your way out here is simply to DIE.

Play dead — an’ stay dead.

Cancer ain’t gonna stick around if’n she can’t healya, an’ Capricorn conceivesa death before he is even born, so your faux pallor gonna remind him to go check the latest pension an’ funeral deals on the internets.

Scorpio — Evil Imaginary Friends Demand Eviller Host Buddies

Leo an’ Aquarius stopped by to play.

It was fun for a while but then you got bored.

Leo lies an’ Aquarius believes her an’ it is two against one an’ that is not fair.

Their corpses lie mutilated in a ditch.

Sagittarius — Evil Imaginary Friends Don’t Wanna Goof

Know that fun game whereya writhe around on the floor withya legs in the air, wailin’ all stoopid like sum deranged mule?

Weird thing is, neither Virgo nor Pisces wanna join in with this one.

Same goes for jump up an’ down tillya boobies hurt (dick if ur a guy).

“Let’s sit down at the table,” says Virgo. “We need to make a list of some proper games to play.”

“And let’s do it quietly,” adds Pisces.

Best strategy here is to join ‘em — an’ keep real quiet.

Pretty soon, they gonna be talkin’ to one another, an’ they will not notice whenya tiptoe out the door an’ go do sumthin’ real excitin’.

Fuckers.

Capricorn — Evil Imaginary Friends Got No Option

Why lose the able an’ willin’ helpers?

Life’s too important for foolin’ around so the more stoopid assholes you got on your team lightenin’ the load, the better.

So c’mon, Aries an’ Libra.

Knuckle down an’ mebbe tidy the place up.

Fetch drinks, fetch the occasional muffin, fetch any tools or equipment needed.

Smilin’ is optional, but remember, it uses precious energy, so be sparin’.

Hours are 24/7, all 52 weeksa the year.

Zero pay, an’ ifya bust shit, your imaginary bones gonna be ground to IRL dust.

Snap to it! Lickety spit!

Aquarius — Evil Imaginary Friends Think You’re A Crank

Real people can be so unaccommodatin’ whenya inspiration is on a roll.

“I wonder what it would feel like to slice a cucumber in half and scrape the soft part out with my ears.”

Perfect imaginary friend oughta get a kick outta that.

But not Taurus or Scorpio.

“You’re being so wasteful,” says Scorpio. “I hate how you squander precious resources on a whim.”

“Plus also,” says Taurus, “I wanted to eat that cucumber.”

No way these guys gonna lighten up an’ get experimental withya.

So cut ‘em open an’ scrape out their soft parts with sum other protuberance.

These guys are only imaginary, remember?

Pisces — Evil Imaginary Friends Spill Over From Reality

Gotta figure you got a casta thousands gowin’ down in the imaginary department.

People, animals, animated furniture, ghosts — all hoppin’ an’ buzzin’ around a fluffy landscape gonna morph from Jane Austen novel to outer space mushroom planet to elven forest pulsin’ with naked satyrs.

Thenya rememberya cruel Sajjo boss, the Gemini gal from the store don’t likeya, an’ your imaginary world collapses — invaded an’ despoiled by evil phantasms over which you got no control.

You know they are imaginary — jus’ like the little ducky you had bouncin’ onya head a few short seconds ago — butya are helpless.

Saj an’ Gemmo glare from twisted faces — an’ you are complicit in the ugliness.

The more you try to make ‘em go away, the more they leer from a landscape now shrouded in shadow.

Point is, this scenario is precisely why chocolate got invented.

Recent neuroscience shows how eatin’ chocolate soothesya an’ warmsya — alla those chocolate molecules get delivered direct to the synapses inya braino responsible for generatin’ happy sensations.

For Pisces, eatin’ chocolate prompts a kinda imaginary bunny orgasm.

Fluffy creatures — so fun an’ friendly an’ cuddly — bust outta the shadows an’ smother any phantoms summoned from real life.

So, take that, Sagittarius an’ Gemini!

Death by bunny ears! Death by wickle mousey crush! Death by lonesum elephant whose Mom died young but who got a magic trunk!

Yeah — that kinda works…

What To Do Ifya Have No Imaginary Friends, Evil Or Otherwise

Gotta figure kittens come in real handy here.

They are so cool at fillin’ barren holes insideya where lovin’ imaginary friends should be.

Plus, when they get frisky, they go hunt down rodents ain’t actually there.

All you gotta do is catch one

Shareya Story

Ever been on the receivin’ enda sum foul an’ evil imaginary friend?

Shareya story in the comment trail!

Still plagued by monsters?

Let ’em write out why they hateya so much an’ mebbe their confession gonna make with the cathartic healin’!

Prommo, I will respond with sensitivity, discretion — an’ mebbe more lewd fuckin’ around.

Title Image c/o Deedster @Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="10"></span> <span class="sdata" title="04, 2017"></span>

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-05-23T16:09:35+00:00"></span> |Astro Checklist, Mother Cosmosis, Practical Astrology, Scopes|0 Comments

YOUR HANDY HOROSCOPE CHECKLIST

One question people often ask me — in my capacity as astrologer person maxin’ out on celestial wisdom kudos — is do you have any handy tips for getting the most out of reading your horoscope, I dunno, like some kind of horoscope checklist?

Answer to that is an easy one.

“Sure,” I say, flushin’ my smile fulla the easy swankiness often seen in electrical stores where the trained electrical store person is sellin’ a monster TV to sum total fuckin’halfwit, “when Mother Cosmosis first anointed my chart preparation paraphernalia with her special magicks, she passed on to me a 10-point hit list fulla hints an’ tips for what she termed horoscope readin’ etiquette, but which I simply refer to as a horoscope checklist — an’ for your information, I got this pinned up on the bookcase next to my readin’ chair so I never forget to follow through its 10-step plan, either while I am readin’ my own ‘scope or (more importantly) fixin’ up regular monthly horoscopes for the resta hoomanity.”

Thing is, we are livin’ in way difficult times, O sweet observera wonders.

Too many world leaders’re plain assholes, too many people suffer needlessly, an’ evry timeya go see a noo Marvel movie, you gotta deal with that real mean naggin’ sensation says what happens when the old guy with the glasses an’ mustache don’t figure no more in the quirky cameos?

So I wanna share what I got.

For free. For nuthin’. For you.

An’ I wantchya to know I am gowin’ out on a limb here by revealin’ these horoscope checklist secrets…

A Lesson From History (Albeit One I Ain’t Mebbe Learned Too Good)

Prolly you never hearda Vincent de Chabrier, but I gotta tellya he got stiffed back in France roundabout 1760-sumthin’.

Similar deal to Moi right now, I guess — he got a hand-embroidered Les Etoiles Comme Bassins De Lit napkin bestowed on him by M.C. which he turned over to the citizensa Lyon.

(Actschly, rumor has it that he wiped his ass on it after hittin’ the wine real hard one weekend, an’ the decision to offer his astrological relic up to the public maya had more to do with shame than generosity, but that is how it goes with history, I guess. Mostly rumor.)

Thing is, Mother Cosmosis got real angry with him, an’ she swooped down from behind Plooto (where she was fixin’ it up, ready for its eventual discovery in 1930) an’ spanked his ass so hard he was unable to wear any kinda pants for a whole frickin’ month.

I could be in biiiiiig trouble here for what I am about to do, tellya — an’ I wantchya to know that asya read on in the spirita gratitood…

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist — How This Works

Deal is, you got a 10-point plan here pretty much constitoots the ultimate HOW TO guide for readin’ your horoscope.

Such things’re not to be taken lightly, an’ I gotta tellya, ifya follow these steps through to the letter, you gonna derive max possible benefit fromya horoscopes evry timeya read ‘em.

Wanna surefire way to hit on a smoother augury?

K, so here it is — all powered up by the very latest Apply as you Scrytm technology!

My Mother Cosmosis original won’t photocopy cos it is hand-weaved from super delicate ethereal wispofibers, so I deployed my very best artistic talents to generate an ultra handy infographic forya phone or tab you can kinda whip out real easy whenya wanna augury on down withya own personal Zodiac consultation rompo.

Oh, an’ Les Etoiles Comme Bassins De Lit is French for ‘The Stars As Bedpans’, btw.

horoscope checklist infographic helps everyone whatever their starsign

You can save this image, but I gotta tellya it is gonna read like it been licked by a frickin’ dog.

So mebbe download the swanky pdf file for max visyool pleasure.

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist — What To Do Next

Gonna giveya the same advice I offered sum professional Tapir hoof swallower consulted me las’ week.

With any kinda plan, there is no subsitoot for puttin’ shit into action immediately.

So get my handy 10-Point Horoscope Checklist downloaded onto your phone or tab an’ go checkya horoscope.

I figure mostaya are no professional Tapir hoof swallower gonna choke half to death (his fault, not mine). so you can go crazy with the NOW! NOW! NOW! zest, K?

An’ if you figure my counsel on this score is cool, my 5-step Spring Fever Cures All Plan would jus’ LOVE to get sweet withya mind, body, spirit, mojo an MORE!

That sound like a deal?

Title Image c/o Steve Buissinne @ Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="20"></span> <span class="sdata" title="03, 2017"></span>

Spring Fever Cures All

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-03-21T07:56:03+00:00"></span> |Meditation, Motivation, Practical Astrology, Spring Equinox, Spring Fever|0 Comments

Tellya, Spring Fever cures EVRYTHIN’. Period.

But ifya wanna feel its power, you gotta let it in onya.

Jettison the Old, flip out fulla zest with the Noo, typea thing.

Commit to that kinda catalytic plan, an’ your life gonna rock out on positive vibes pumpin’ through its essential pipe networks all the way to the squirtyhosey tips, teats, pores an’ vestibularities, tellya.

Best part?

You get a hefty kick start up the motivation ass RIGHT NOW as…

THE SUN ENTERS ARIES

It is troo.  It is for real.  It is happenin’.

We got a noo Zodiac cycle beginnin’ as Pisces relinquishes hold on alla her exquisite dreams an’ fancies — an’ darin’ Aries grabs ‘em an’ runs with ‘em, bold noo frontiers in her sights.

(I got more on the recent Pisces dreamo phase HERE, jus’ for slooshie retro value.)

This is the moment when Spring Fever cures all!

An’ I would want this message to figure way beyond the Equinox, an’ last the whole year through — like Christmas kinda don’t.

Tellya, anythin’ you got that is lame, deadbeat, spent, exhausted or fuckoed gonna receive a celestial energy boost to revive, rejuvenate an’ resurrectya vision, purpose — an’ execution!

Mercury, Venus an’ Uranus are already pre-loaded in Aries, an’ when the Spring Equinox drops, dynamism gonna be fully reborn — along with plentya opportoonities for split pants asya leap in the air an’ kickya heels.

Thing is, such is the powera the energies gonna be released, I would not want anyone to be consoomed in the ensuin’ fireballs — nor waste the precious incendiary cargo on offer from this Aries-fueled Equinox fest.

So I got five pointers forya, gonna speedya along withoutya gettin’ all stoopid, K?

PRINCESS BALESTRA’S TOP 5 SPRING FEVER CURES

Here’s my hit list, plain an’ simple…

Body.

Mind.

Spirit.

Mojo.

Drive.

Spring Fever Cures BODY —

Throw On Sum Sporty Skimpies & Be In The Streets

This is no time for sluggin’ around in winter clothes or strappin’ portable heaters to your back.

You gotta cast alla that offaya like sum burlesque gal peelin’ downta the strawbos.

But remember, 2017 ain’t no torrid rompfest (more’s the frickin’ pity), so ‘steada bouncin’ out into the street in the buff, you gonna load up with super dinky, super skimpy sportsgear.

Trick here is absolute bare essentials, jus’ enoughta cover upya tinglydanglies, cos I wantcha to test the fresh noo air to the max — with verve an’ precocity.

Go cavort exotically!

Run! Leap! Skip! Hop! Cartwheel!

Whateverya got, get it out in the streets an’ soak up the energizin’ bravado on a SPRING FEVER CURES ALL ticket!

Want it. Desire it. Make it happen.

If’n you wanna, you could mebbe chant summa these astrology-themed Springtime mantras (an’ by chant, I mean bellow tillya spook all nearby canines the fuck outta their skins.)

I have Aries energy! I am lusty! I am gutsy! I am one revved-up bitch / SOB!

Life is about falling down 7 times and getting up 8 — unless you STAY ON YOUR FEET and KICK EVERYONE ELSE OUT OF THE WAY!

Gonna ram hard against reality till pearls spew out from under its shell!

Lo! I am Initiative’s Brightest Avatar, Bravery’s Staunchest Champion, Snogging’s Thrillsumest Breathtaker!

Watch me karate kick like a S.W.A.T. team ballerina as yawps to shame Walt Whitman bust my throat clean offa my frickin’ neck!

Yeah, yeah, I know summa these’re totally OTT — but that is the fuckin’ point right now.

You gotta get out there with pioneerin’ brio rompin’ roundya bloodstream — an’ beat Spring to the Equinox.

Those’re the rules.

Spring Fever Cures MIND —

Make Thrillsum With The Meditative Chillsum

Gotta figure a thrillout is the ultimate chillout.

Sumtimes, yogic flopout or serene reflection is the only wayta go if’n you wanna chill down on the stresso or flipya actschly OK rn tvm braino into a higher gear.

(Remember: meditative types do not sit cross-legged, flauntin’ their undercarriages, solely to get hitched in the sack.)

But the deal right now is not so much gowin’ with the stillness flow as keepin’ pace with the fireballs ragin’ all over — an’ maintainin’ composure in the facea their incendiary onslaught.

Thinka it like swimmin’ with dolphinsa flame: you gotta get close up an’ personal with the action — no sittin’ back, no jus’ lookin’.

So what we got on offer here is a real active stillness, an’ I would wanna suggest takin’ sumthin’ like T’ai Chi or a 10-move Yoga flowout sequence an’ uppin’ the speed on the mechanical cranko.

Canya maintain the same levela calm an’ composure at increased tempo asya would ifya wentya regular way?

If so, speed up sum more, bearin’ in mind you got a finite structure don’t want or need damagin’— this is still meditation, not sum killer ballistics porno.

Prolly you should start out with sumthin’ like my Stillness for The Volatile meditation, then carry that spirita flame into a pepped-up reflecto-workout.

If you wanna, mebbe you could punctuate the action an’ the flamogazo like alla the trooly pumped athletes who tone up an’ zone forward with HIITs.

Point is, this is more about the mind than the body (an’ I am not bein’ no heretic dualist here when I make this suggestion) — your focus in alla the movement is stillness while alla the Spring Fever energies rage in an’ outtaya.

How still canya be when fire threatensta obliterate or consoomya?

Prolly you won’t know tillya try it.

spring fever cures all when the Equinox fires up in Aries

Spring Fever Cures SPIRIT —

Race To The Edgea Danger

Gotta drop sum hardcore astro here, so ifya are jus’ cruisin’ by lookin’ for personal development tips or motivational strategies gonna thrustya toppa all known success pedestals — with no desireta have no astro schwango dumped onya — mebbe you should throw a bag overya head for 60 seconds an’ wait this one out.

I will hang on forya whileya locate a bag.

(An’ remember, the bags gonna suffocateya are mebbe the same semi-transparent blindfolds gonna enableya to cheat by readin’ on for my motivational success tips, an’ I would not want anyone dyin’ or sufferin’ a full blown cognitive dissonance attack — so be sureta go with a PAPER bag, or mebbe a wicker basket, K?)

Also — it is OKAY to read THIS PART — orya won’t know WHAT TO DO.

Got a bag?

K, so jus’ put it on an’ count to 60.

cya later. ☺

Meanwhile, devoted astro aficionados, I wanna jus’ say a few words about innocence, naivety  — an’ gettin’ super fresho with noo experiences.

That is the Aries spirit.

Thing is, so mucha what makes Aries so … Aries is all too often presented in the forma child imagry or narrative — yanno, alla that “Aries is the baby of the Zodiac, followed by Taurus the toddler”, and so on — all the way upta “Pisces the wizened old crone, baring her neck like a martyr before the Reaper’s shiniest sickle slices her tits off” typea thing.

There is narrative in that imagry — cos we are right at the starta a great noo Zodiac journey here rather than runnin’ down the final daysa sum spent old cycle — but I would not want the trooly adult qualities Aries got to be diminished by this (frankly arbitrary) viewpoint.

In my forthcomin’ HANDY ASTRO GUIDES, I touch on how Aries got a real life challenge.

Aries is edgy cos she got a real clear viewa life’s precipices — an’ she wants to run there so very much cos it is EXHILARATIN’ an’ it is LIFE.

That spirit does not belong solely to children (or youth), an’ in informed an’ conscious adult hands it delivers the entreprenoorial zoomo to effect much-needed change.

That, I guess, is the spirit I see on offer here as Pisces lays down an’ Aries rises up.

An’ we can all touch on summa that, if we wanna, cos that is how Spring Fever cures all.

Gotta remember, cyclic as the Zodiac wheel is, this 2017 spin ain’t never happened before.

(An’ ifya drop into my HOROSCOPES section, you can hop ahead to my 2017 Astro Summary an’ discover how inevitable planetary movements an’ interactions gonna ENSLAVE YA! Ha. Only jokin’.)

Like all novel phenomena, 2017 has edges, precipices — an’ dangers.

An’ what the Spring Equinox is sayin’ as it swells with dancin’ flame is mebbe you should get up offaya comfort zone bean bag an’ go experience noo an’ excitin’ adventures.

Jus’ gotta welcome back evryone put a bag over their head for that last part.

I figureya got the basis for mebbe a Halloween mask ifya cut out some eye slits an’ make with the menacin’ hues.

Jus’ don’t wear it yet, K?

Equinox may be all about adventure, but rompin’ around in a ghost mask alongside purty blooms don’t figure as onea my Spring Fever cures for anythin’.

You jus’ gonna look frickin’ stoopid.

Spring Fever Cures MOJO —

Ignition Is An Activity Never Has The Option To Grow Old

Perhaps the cruelest trick life plays is whenya got alla your favo stuffs close up an’ personal — an’ yet sumhow shit don’t work out.

I figure evryone got their own Dream Day they are mebbe pointin’ alla their aspirations toward.

I dunno, mebbe you are on a beach with allaya friends, cocktail in hand as the Sun plays a perfect panorama into a sensual miracle.

But what happens when Dreamo Days no longer cut it?

You are THERE doin’ THAT THING with THOSE PEOPLE — an’ yet sumhow, what you’ve experienced as dreamo alla your life lacks its usual luster.

Truth is, tarnish happens, even to the best an’ shiniest stuff we got.

It is a truth universally unacknowledged that time is a monster, I guess.

An’ though her intention is never to kill when she digs her teeth into our mortality, she can wound us real mean with the relentlessnessa her chompin’.

That is why we sumtimes walk away from Dreamo Days like we are bleedin’.

Tellya, I have yet to enjoy a single weddin’ cozza alla the Happiest Day of My Life people bein’ fuckin’ cunts to one another.

Point is, time demands change of us, whether we like it or not — an’ no matter whetherya are a motivated zealot intent on life-transformin’ supermorpho, or a comfy-bunny slacker dissolvin’ in blissful inertiasoup, seemsta me evryone responds to our inherently mutable Cosmos like shit is forever.

Time is a Dream Eater gonna stealya Dreamo Days fromya.

Starts with small things like the stoopid hamburger guy slippedya an unwanted gherkin or your teenage heart throb marries a total loser with a face like a frickin’ horse — an’ ends with you bedridden, energies all spent, while snotty grandkids fight over chocolates you ain’t got strength to taste, let alone eat.

When time challengesya Dreamo this way, feels likeya Mojo is down, never gonna rise up again.

But for Aries — an’ spring eternal — this is NEVER, NEVER, NEVER true, least not for long.

Thinka that last Mojo phrase as an internal monolog for a second.

My Mojo is down, an’ I am never gonna rise up again.

I figure evryone has said that kinda thing to ‘emselves at sum point — an’ felt the hurt.

But whatchya are really sayin’ is how you been bruised by change an’ desire the past’s return or continuation as a crutch gonna keepya gowin’ forward.

D’oh!

Say frickin’ what?

Truth is, to re-igniteya Mojo, you gonna need ignition.

But ignition is an activity never has the option to grow old.

Prolly it is truer to say ignition is an activity dies as it is bein’ born.

Combustion happens, ignition is OVER.

So you want ignition inya life, you gotta keep makin’ it happen over an’ over.

Start up, step out, stand anew.

Mojo is not like furniture. Or memories. Or mantras penned in blood.

It is momentarily fickle superpower blastin’ off cool stuff at the edgea your unfoldin’ life.

And dontcha frickin’ forget it!

Spring Fever Cures DRIVE —

Drill Down On Whatchya Want An’ Fire Off In THAT Direction

Gotta remember, Aries is a trooly active sign, thrives on thrills an’ adventure.

Single-minded an’ independent, Aries gets a fix on sum direction an’ jus’ goes for it.

Energy like that — real direct, real intended — is a useful commodityta have around.

Cos sumtimes we procrastinate or self pity, talk ourselves down or get stuck in sum forlorn rut from which it is darn near impossible to extricate ourselves.

Where other signs would ponder or wallow or reflect or experiment or reason or alla those other not immediately useful kindsa things, Aries gets the fuck outta the hole.

Blind direction, sort the rest later.

What we saw with the recent Pisces Noo Moon (an’ what has been rollin’ along for the past month) is alla the sortin’, resolvin’ an’ rearrangin’ aheada noo life, energy an’ initiative bustin’ outta the Zodiac trap.

But Spring is here.

Today.

An’ asya read these words, even the muscles flippin’ your eyeballs into actively engaged saccades’re burnin’ up the novelicious Arian carbs an’ oxygen.

Way I see it, you are either fast outta the trap or you are dead in the water right now.

So whatever plansya got, throw yourself at ‘em like Wolverine’s claws swooooooooshin’ from them thar Hugh Jackmaknuckles.

Tippa those blades got drive, direction, purpose — an’ zero time for assholin’ around.

One Last Thing

Like I said, Spring Fever cures all.

Flaggin’ body gonna be revved up, mebbe even primed for spontaneous an’ furniture-destroyin’ blendyjuicy.

Weary mind gonna step up as it chills out, alert to its own raw potentialities.

Lackluster spirit gonna flush out fulla zeal an’ hunt down opportoonity around evry corner.

Dented mojo gonna thrive on emergin’ adventures an’ strengthenya creative resolve.

As for drive — whaddya really wanna happen right now? As in ima get offa my stoopid fat ass an’ go DO THIS.

Gota warnya straight out — when the Sun hits Taurus later in April, alla this noo-found verve gonna mebbe come to a halt whileya go eat cake an’ get massaged tillya are liquid form an’ smell sweeter than Narcissus’ fruitiest ever farts.

Aries-powered Equinox wantsya up an’ hummin’ RIGHT NOW.

Get started, an’ mebbe Spring Fever cures gonna last all year.

So c’mon, quit the STAIR-RIN ADD-DA SCREEEEEEEEN deal — an’ go make sumthin’ real smart happen…

Title Image c/o Cindy del Val @ Unsplash

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<span class="sdata" title="27"></span> <span class="sdata" title="02, 2017"></span>

Stillness For The Volatile

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-04-01T16:09:29+00:00"></span> |Creativity, Fire Signs, Meditation, Practical Astrology, Stillness|0 Comments

STILLNESS FOR THE VOLATILE

Thing I love about candles is how their flames sumtimes still to risin’ points an’ hover over the wick like suspended orange raindrops.

I would wanna believe this calmin’ fire fell outta the Sun an’ momentarily freeze framed jus’ so’s it could touch on my heart.

Course, you gotta get good an’ still to experience this kinda flame, an’I would wanna speculate that Water an’ (in particular) Earth signs got a head start on that score.

They will happily sit with stuff awhile, nurture an’ support it, an’ that is why we need ‘em in our Zodiac team.

*Even though they piss us dearly with their stoopid foibles on occasion.*

But what ifya are a Fire person?

Fulla innate catalytic energy an’ dangerous elemental spirit hellbent on ignitin’shit?

It ain’t rocket science, but I figure prolly that kinda fiery nature don’t sit too well with bein’ still — or serenely meditative, or whateverya wanna call that Buddhasticalistics deal.

Cos ifya are FIRE, you gotta jump around, stoke shit up, right?

Thing is, that urgeya got meansya might miss out on summa the sweetness comes from steppin’ outsidea the searin’ heatya call home, relinquishin’ the urgeta dance engulfed in flames, an’ lettin’ slip all flickerin’ apparel till squido an’ dick alike can shakedown in tranquility’s calmin’ buff.

Aries, Leo, Sagittarius — Here’s The Problems You Got

Here’s how I see the stillness dilemma playin’ out for alla you FIRE types — an’ this prolly gonna figure also for anyaya got Fire in Le Grand Booby Doo (ie Moon, Mercury or Mars).

Gotta say, Aries, you got mebbe the biggest problem hackin’ the stillness schwango.

Anythin’ excitin’ happens, you gotta be up an’ on it — an’ if nuthin’ is happnin’, you gotta start it up.

It is like a frickin’ reflex. Fused with compulsion. An’a whole buncha brute lust grafted on by a crack-crazed plastic surgeon.

Most any other statea bein’ pumpsya fulla big time antsy impatience makesya wanna strangle sum fucker, an’ sittin’ quiet an’ serene before a soothin’ flame is a loooong way downya lista potentialities comparedta, say, snuffin’ the splutterin’ flickero right offa the wick cosya are pacin’ around, shakin’ your fists like sum ragin’ demon.

So, yeah — stillness don’t come natural for Aries.

For Leo, flames exist to be stoked an’ nurtured till their warmin’ heat kisses on evryone inya loop.

Fire gone out is the metaphorical deatha all Sparky, your personal responsibilityta provide for others kinda embarrasingly diminished.

See fire, you gotta grow it bigger, play with the flames till they put on a show.

Stillness for Leo prolly gonna feel like bein’ an extra in sum wasteaspace cheapo TV show.

Why the fuck do that? What is wrong with jus’ gowin’ sleep for like a frickin’ week?

For Sagittarius, gotta have sum humonstrous an’ inspirin’ beacon roarin’ offa the mountaintop so no one ever hasta live in darkness.

I figureya contemplate plentya stuff — how elseya gonna get to be so loudmouth fuckin’ stoopid? — an’ you do so on a genuinely filosophical level, but in tandem with that, you gotta be vaultin’ over boulders in the wilderness or pumpin’ your butt in the gym, clad in suitably sporty FFSwear.

To hell with stillness!

That is howya muscles turnta wobbly moosho like academics’ brains an’ you grow old an’ feeble an’ useless tillya bend all weirdo sub-athletic whenya are exercisin’ in a sexyool capacity.

So — all three FIRE signs jus’ ain’t natural stillness persons, K?

Go Take Big Time Action Onya Chilled Out Reflection Meditation Stuffs

Far as stillness goes, you Fire people’re srsly fuckoed.

Bein’ still prolly … like, I dunno … jus’ kinda feels wrong.

(An’ I gotta clarify here ‘bout Leo mebbe spendin’ more time than most other signs crashed out in the sack withya tinfglydanglies hangin’ out: this ain’t the kinda stillness I am talkin’ ‘bout here, so get up, pull on sum undergarments, an’ tryta look at least halfways interested, K?)

Thing is, I figure the biggest problem all Fire signs face is burnout, an’ the greatest creative gift they could offer ‘emselves is way more PROACTIVE CHILLOUT TIME.

So go dig out a candle an’ a frickin’ lighter RIGHT NOW, K?

Cos between you & Moi, we gonna indulge in sum interactive meditative chillo, tellya.

(Any non-Fire people stoppin’ by can play along also, but I would wanna remind allaya kinked-out Air types that displaysa tricksy multitaskin’ are not required on this occasion, so mountya candles sumplace ain’t a fanjo or asshole.)

Jus’ gonna hum a coulpla inspirational dolphin anthems whileya go sortya tapers.

*beep squeep bweeeeeep, booby doo*

*fleeeep fleeeeeep squeeeedeee boooo*

Tellya, I frickin’ love dolphins…

Cool Kinda Stillness Tips For Fire Fiends Got Smackohot Lips

K, this is gonna take like 10 minutes.

First 3, you spark up an’ get comfy.

Stillya beathin’, dropya shoulders, letchya stoopid To Do lists ooze from outtaya floppo fingertips.

If it helps, mebbe thinka sum celebrity yoga enthoosiasts like Drew Barrymore, Gwyneth Paltrow, Russell Brand an’ Madonna, an’ imagine ‘em all dissolvin’ into a kinda soup which magically replacesya blood for the duration.

Do not expecta feel comfy (‘specially Aries) — jus’ do the bestya can, K?

Gonna mellow asya roll along.

Meantime, watch how the flame stills an’ rises to a sharp point.

Like a fiery, orange raindrop fell outta the Sun an’ momentarily freeze framed beforeya eyes so’s it could touch onya heart.

Stillya breathin’, quit squirmin’ around, an’ it will do that.

(Cool thing about candles, they are ultra trained up this way.)

Restaya 7 minutes, I wantchata reflect real good on the vulnerable spirit glowin’ sweet beforeya.

Without it, Aries got no zest, Leo got no abundance, an’ Sajjo got eternal freedom from bein’ a 24/7 pain in the ass.

Watch ‘specially close for how this tiny flame reaches up, high as it can go.

Wick says, “you cannot spread out an’ engulf shit, there is nuthin’ closeby you can ignite.”

But the flame rises up regardless in the one direction available to its catalytic passion — fulla darin’, fulla bravado, fulla illoomination.

Anyone said size don’t matter never looked in on this trooly beautiful spectacle.

Flame wantsta grow, up an’ out an’ forever.

So gaze upon desire an’ courage an’ energy in their infancy, lit up as a spear tip gonna pierce all space it can reach.

Aries — Here Be Stillness

This is where Aries starts out.

Weaponized fire, knowin’ zero fear — yet so innocent, it could vanish with a whisper.

Touch its tip to anythin’ you wanna, an’ the ignition ball is rollin’.

But here in this baby flame, that energy is kinda pre-started up likeya could cup it inya hand an’ feel on its secrets.

I guess it is a kinda divine purity, speakin’ only truth, actin’ only naively — but whose power, if placed in the wrong hands, is instantly terrifyin’ an’ destructive.

This is tippa your spear, your combative spirit — forged from the soula eternal beginnings.

Think on that, Aries.

Think on how that rage an’ zestya got really gotta get sum control.

Gonna strike out, gotta have sum clear direction.

An’ here it is.

All you gotta do is sit with it awhile.

Breathe soft, an’ take in the still, chilled volatilica.

Leo — Here Be Stillness

For Leo, this candle flame is warmth an’ heart, the softest an’ gentlest incarnationa generosity you gonna see.

Gotta be humble here before this baby.

It’s a meager show, a feeble heat, compared to the more sensually generous fireballsya wanna mebbe flash around, but without it, the world is ice an’ its spirit, dead.

Without it, nuthin’ got sustainin’ energy or creative soul.

It demands a hearth be grown around it, an’ the comforta friends invited up close.

It yearnsta blossom inta sum captivatin’ spectacle; it loves so to makeya smile.

Protect it, an’ it gonna protect you.

Lay down beside it an’ sleep easy — less’nya lay too close an’ set fireta your frickin’ hair.

Think on that, Leo.

Think on how that abundant bonhomie you got really gotta be recharged an’ rested.

Here it is, that peace.

All you gotta do is sit with it awhile.

Breathe soft, an’ take in the still, chilled volatilica.

Sagittarius — Here Be Stillness

For Sajjo, whatya got in this tiny flame is the essencea inspiration an’ illoomination, pure an’ simple — an’ true.

Without it, there is only darkness an’ descent into barbarity where fire sparks only harm.

What a gift it is that a ragin’ elemental force gonna sear an’ carbonize letsya behold it so — all naked an’ honest an’ free.

Gotta carry this flameta the edgea the world, offer its modest glory upto the yearnin’ Void an’ know with blunt certainty that the darkness got nuthin’ in its locker gonna resist bein’ reduced to mere shadow by this fickle colossus.

Flame pierces air, mebbe wantsta pierce the sky — so carry it sumplace real high.

Whatchya got here is a beacon seed, onea billions an’ zillions.

Think on that, Sagittarius.

Think on how ideals’re eternal, seeds fired far inta the Void by those with strength to run out to the edgea beyond.

Here is it, inspirin’ glimmer sparks the journey.

All you gotta do is sit with it awhile.

Breathe soft, an’ take in the still, chilled volatilica.

Ow! Owww! Owwwww! I Got Fuckin’ Cramp!

Like I said, do not expecta feel comfy, ‘specially not the first time.

I guess it is jus’ a casea figurin’ the right position.

Gotta say, kneelin’ down for 10 minutes is a no-no.

You get up, your legs gonna go tinglywobbly likeya sat on sum anesthetic cactus.

An’ ifya are skinno like Moi, prolly you gonna wanna cushion so’s your butt bones don’t tear holes inya carpet an’ dropya downta the Earth’s core, strata by strata, like alla that Alien drool fucked the Nostromo.

Jus’ gotta experiment, I guess, same as with other bendyshapey stuffs.

Point is, you figure it right, you gonna feelya done yourself a big favor whenya finish.

An’ this is only the starta what might happen.

Make time for sum Firetaper Me-Time — more’n 10 minnows ifya wanna — an’ you can grow any ideas come outta it.

My suggestions’re only for starters, an’ I figure best thing is ifya generate imagry makes sensetaya as a yoonique individyool.

Main deal ista figure sum creative, wakeful, meditative Me-Time don’t depend on chargin’ around, flauntin’ your doodads or shootin’your mouth off asya cartwheel through the forest.

That is default settin’ for FIRE, an’ you are mebbe missin’ out.

Way I see it, you got a real fired-up ON switch, an’ sumtimesya gotta figure a little OFF.

Punctuated volatilica — sumtimes flarin’ out, sumtimes chilled — that is the secreta endurin’ FLAME ON, tellya.

Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

You wanna go play with that?

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