<span class="sdata" title="19"></span> <span class="sdata" title="02, 2018"></span>

Astrology Nirvana

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-02-18T10:27:00+00:00"></span> |Astro Quiz|0 Comments


Gotta figure the Cosmos is maxin’ out on Astrology Nirvana rn.

We got plenty planetary bunnies kissin’ up sweet in delish dance troupe formations & generatin’ super positive energies gonna fizz an’ sploosh along evrywan’s most sensitive whooshie pipes, tellya.

I been trackin’ the core narrative here …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Noo Moon in Aquarius — Rejuvenatin’ Rebellion for Dummies

… an’ now we stand primed to plunge deep into Piscean Waters Fulla Yummy, prolly it is time for each an’ evry zodiacperson to ask ‘emselves …

Is My Life Astrology Nirvana Or What?

Does That Mean You’re About To Offer Up Another Informative ASTRO QUIZ, O Princess?

Course’n it does, Sweetie.

Not for Moi sum stoopid academic treatise runnin’ to 10,000 words gonna be panned by the scientific community an’ Clint fuckin’ Eastwood.

So let’s have us all an informative astro quiz gonna smarten upya life & packya mojo fulla rompolicious Booby Doo …

Is My Life Astrology Nirvana Or What?

You Just Said That

stfu an’ get answerin’ the questions willya?

This super dinky astro quiz works for all star signs.

Aries to Pisces to actshwlly I’m a frickin’ skeptic, Miss Loopy Doops Astroflaps!

So — no cheatin’, no peekin’, no foolin’ around!

Answer sweet an’ answer frank an’ answer true!

10 questions, 30 pulse-poundin’ points up for grabs.

All will be revealed … about YOU …

1) Jus’ to say, I wanna ditch the whole Kurt Cobain deal for this quiz. We talkin’ Nirvana without Nirvana for this baby, incloodin’ Dave frickin’ Gruel an’ the entire grunge phenomenon in general. That OK?

a) I am a dyed-in-the-wool In Utero fuckbunny and I insist your vision of Nirvana pays homage to the iconic grunge entrepreneur and his legacy.

b) I don’t care either way — I just want a middle-of-the-road 2 points from this question to kickstart what I hope will be a killer score from this quiz.

c) Agreed. I wish to discover astro secrets incarnate without distraction from Loser Historyland.

2) Haveya found yourself way more interested inya HOROSCOPE recently than, say, two or three years ago?

a) Wow. That’s so weird! Now you mention it … actually, yes, I have!

b) What are you? Fucking psychic?

c) Sorry, I normally track that kinda thing on an app. I got steps, calories, habits, heartbeat, pee & poop … all the usual stuff. Is there maybe an astrology app that would help me monitor my horoscope consumption?

3) Haveya felt energized by bizarre forces unknown — like a benign angel run a superlush feather boa along your most sensitive tinglydanglies?

a) Frankly, I have to change my underwear every two hours to prevent juice overload.

b) Oh … so that’s what this feeling is.

c) Listen sister, I’m a self-motivated force of nature. I don’t need no imaginary angels making with the hocus pocus — especially near my genitals.

4) When was the las’ time you got inspired to write a powim or song — or dance like a loon in a moderately expressive capacity?

a) So recently … and so publicly … I’m soooo ashamed.

b) Right now right now in this emerging moment, I see somehow my place outside the torment ooh ooh gotta quit writing and go Snoopy till I shake my butt cheeks to jelly.

c) I believe such practices are inherently evil — same as MASTURBATION!!!

5) A shimmerin’ golden bug lands onya arm an’ offers up a warm & friendly telepathic signal. What’s your next move?

a) I telepath back in my best golden bug accent.

b) Splat the weirdo fucker! Uuuuggghhh!

c) Check for flesh-rendin’ mandibles, then telepath back in my best golden bug accent.

6) Do you knowya starsign, moon sign, risin’ sign an’ all that shit?

a) tbh I just roll with the horoscope sounds most positive.

b) Starsign, yes — but not the others. So do I have to bone up to figure the rest, or will the Cosmos just level me naturally into a higher personal consciousness?

c) I know the precise alignment of Saturn’s rings at the time I was born, along with all the planets and their moons and debris from every NASA launch. All I’m missing are subatomic particles from that rocket fired a monkey into space in 1949.

7) Do you believe astrology is a force for good in the world — or a malign kinda hokum deployed by manipulative charlatans like Moi?

a) Defo a force for good — but not every astrologer is as wise and helpful as you, O Princess.

b) One day, our beautiful planet will be powered by eco-friendly astro-vibes and every face will beam nothing but the brightest smiles.

c) Hmmmph! Let me guess — if I scroll to the end of this quiz ima find a monster fucking BUY NOW button

8) Whaaaaaaaat? Taylor Swift jus’ lickedya face! You were idly checkin’ FaceBook shit onya phone in the coffee shop when she strode right up an’ lickedya face. What in hell was that about?

a) It is astrology, for sure. Yeah yeah — astrology made that happen. No doubt about it.

b) Gal’s a loon. Prolly next thing she did was stick her fingers in a dog’s ass.

c) Typical Sagittarius behaviour, I guess.

9) You are havin’ sex — an’ you suddenly recall sumthin’ positive you read inya horoscope. You spurred on to noo heights … or merely distracted?

a) I rarely consult my horoscope because they’re just stupid … and having sex is not something I regularly do. Tbh my friends call me the Android — but I’m OK with that because they’re all imaginary.

b) Yeah, I might pick up speed a little.

c) Scream. My. Tits off.

10) Uh oh. Sumthin’ gotta be thrown from the balloon! Is it astrology … or YOUR PETS?

a) Pets. Fuck ‘em.

b) Call me a martyr, but I’ll jump! Anything to keep my precious astrology and pets from danger!

c) Ever tried that trick where you swallow and swallow and swallow — and let out a monster belch? I would do that so hard I brewed up a MONSTER FART, and I would get my pets to play along. And we’d fart and we’d fart and we’d fart until the balloon rose up and away out of danger!

Is Your Life Astrology Nirvana Or What?

Here’s How The Results Pan Out, Sweetie!

You ready to have the beansa truth spilled overya head till the sauce dribbles all overya boobies?

Then prepare to discover — definitively — whether your life is so packed fulla Astrology Nirvana that stargazy energy buzzes fromya soul like a buncha loonpants hunny bees … or whether you merely an incomprehensibly lame fucker!

Crank upya math brain an’ check out my dinky scorecard …

1 — A1 B2 C3

2 — A2 B3 C1

3 — A3 B2 C1

4 — A2 B3 C1

5 — A3 B1 C2

6 — A1 B2 C3

7 — A2 B3 C1

8 — A3 B1 C2

9 — A1 B2 C3

10 — A1 B2 C3

Now add ONE HUMONGOUS BONUS POINT cos I am feelin’ real generous …

Score 11 —

Dear Sweet Fuckin’ Jesus!

What is gowin’ on here?

I throw in a bonus point anya still bomb the quiz.

So go get a marker pen an’ write LAME TWAT onya forehead.

Stay that way for a month — astrology don’t needya loser ass.

Score 12-18 —

Horoscopic Zodiac Puppy

tbh I love that you at least care.

In an ideal Cosmas, gotta want for a fired-up cheerleader zealot — but it is sum consolation you not standin’ outside a weaponized chapel backa the bayou decryin’ astrology as Satanism.

I trooly believe you look in onya horoscope from time to time an’ derive benefit from thoughtful articles that pack soulful goodies like candy stores attract sugar-hungry kids.

That is neat.

Score 19-25 —

Astro Nirvana Hosepipe Guru

Whatever this astro energy deal is, you channelin’ the fucker, for sure.

You are srsly IN TOON.

An’ I figure that is a cool way to be.

You attract an’ dispense celestial bounties as the tide daily ebbs an’ flows, an’ prolly you are the one person in a crowd Taylor Swift is most likely to lick should she show at random.

Even better, I got a hunch that if Kanye West showed at the same time, he would massage your feet real sweet while Swift made with the friendly saliva.

Great score!

Gotta feel prouda yourself!

Score 26-30 —

The Spunkiest Astrology Nirvana Gasmpoppet EVER!

Hey — you want we switch places an’ you run my astrology stuffs?

All you gotta do is write out a blaaahg post once in a while an’ splash Today’s Astrology Story over on Twitter.

My apartment is kinda shabby, butchya can clean up if’n you wanna.

Bring your own shovel, mebbe you could even scrape the cheese & mayo strata offa the insidea my refrigerator.

That way, your Astrology Nirvana lifestyle could benefit stargazykind worldwide anya would have a neat hangout at weekends.

Mother Cosmosis stops by regular an’ the only genuinely crazy person in the building is Moi.

Be like havin’ an AirBnB fulla crystal balls an’ alcohol.

Anyways, cool on you for bein’ top astro dog.

You wanna try another quiz?

Course you frickin’ do!

Your Astrology Nirvana Quiz — The Scholarly Conclusion

Way I see it, if’n you had fun shimmyin’ around my 10 dinky astro teasers in searcha spirityool enlightenment, prolly that was time better spent than fuckin’ around on FaceBook lookin’ for fake nooz.

Granted, compared to checkin’ out HOT GUYS with their WAY TONED BODIES bustin’ outta evry photo shoot over on them soft porno sites, this whole quiz been a wastea time, but I endeavor always to be a good person an’ provide enlightenin’ succor for a world gone weirdsy.

An’ … uhm … that is ‘bout as scholarly as it gonna get for now — less’n you interested in readin’ more heavy dooty astro shit I wrote out.

If that is the case, mebbe look in on this fucker.

Mean time, thanks for playin’, Sweetie.

Title Image c/o Solarus @ Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="22"></span> <span class="sdata" title="05, 2017"></span>

Are You A True Astro Aficionado — Your Ultimate Inner Zodiac Quiz

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-03-23T11:30:15+00:00"></span> |Astro Quiz, Choice, Practical Astrology|0 Comments



Does astrology fillya with unbridled passion for mystery beyond the skies?

Does the Zodiac inspireya to go huntin’ forya soulmate with an ephemeris clutched tight to your bosom?

Wouldya die if celestial augury-style wonders ceased to exist an’ were replaced by 24/7 diktats from on high — much like Donald Trump’s instructions to his beleaguered stylist?

Or areya stoppin’ by here jus’ to see if I got so stoopid frickin’ drunk I posted lurid pixa my fanj an’ titties?

Gotta hopeya are a true stargazy buff, O sweet observa wonders!

Cos this is where we discover — in 10 cunningly calibrated questions — whether you is Super Horoscope Enthoosiasm Person or Totally Lame In the Spiritual Enlightenment Department Kinda Asshole!

Coolest thing?

This super dinky inner zodiac quiz works for all star signs.

Aries to Pisces to actshly I’m a frickin’ skeptic, Miss Loopy Doops Astroflaps!

So — no cheatin’, no peekin’, no foolin’ around!

Answer sweet an’ answer frank an’ answer true!

All will be revealed … about YOU …

1) Anti-astrology beings from a parallel Zero Horoscopes Here dimension rip through a wormhole into our parta the Cosmos, bearin’ Zodiac-destroyin’ weaponry an’ screamin’ “to hell with your stupid stars — we are gonna blitz all things astrological from the face of reality … FOREVER!!!”  What next?

a) Aw, gosh — that is such a bummer cos I really enjoyed bein’ a [insertya star sign here].

b) Listen, pal — we got Tom Frickin’ Cruise, so watch your step!

c) Gonna fight you till I got no strength left in my body — and even if I should fall, and you loom over me like a deathly colossus in my final seconds of life, I’ll still be biting for your balls with all I got.

2) Your sweetheart is bringin’ you off real yummo. An’ it’s … it’s … cummin’

a) You scream … Oooooh! Ooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaah! Fuuuuuuuuck!

b) You scream … Astrology! Astrology! Astrologyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

c) You scream … Before I forget … my cat is sick … so watch out later … she don’t spew on your paa-aaa-aaants …

3) Uh oh — you absentmindedly signedya name wrong on sum legal documents. Again! So what you just writ?

a) I love astrology so bad I could die. Let its sustaining waves lap over me as if I were being tongued sweet and true by androgynous cunnilingual angels!

b) Your username for Astropeeps.com.

c) Your regular name — but with one additional letter from onea the starsigns (eg mebbe an L from Leo or an N from Capricorn or an I from Gemini, meanin’ if you put sumthin’ like X or Q or K, it is jus’ a stoopid typo an’ don’t count for the purposesa this revealin’ an’ fun quiz).

4) Daydreams possessya — an’ you are lulled into delisho reverie. What imagry plays beforeya as Hypnos hugsya closeta his illusory heart?

a) I see bunnies.

b) I see bunnies, crabs, rams, bulls, scorpions, lions, fish — plus sum real weirdo people on a seesaw and a quasi-chimeric goat-cum-fish thing riding a real dumb looking fuckin’ horse.

c) What in hell is Hypnos? That some new male grooming product targets hipsters suffering from Booger Beard?

5) Reality Check. Go readya Monthly Horoscope right away! Then ask — this an accurate reflectiona your persona? Or a lucky guess hits the sweet spot c/o pseudo-scientific garbage?

a) Hey, I’m a believer, O Princess! And of all the scopes in the galaxy, yours are consistently the most accurate, heartfelt — and fun!

b) Astrology is the shitting of the masses by the excrement of the Ultrabogus.

c) Why is there still no 13th sign of the Zodiac? Surely it’s time the Cosmos levelled up?

6) It is La La Land. Openin’ scene on the freeway. An’ you are dancin’. How do the stars infuseya terpsichorean wherewithal with pizzazz (an’ mebbe a generous splatteringa glamor)?

a) They don’t. My body is a physiological entity and I am a naturally rhythmic person. I just felt like dancing, is all.

b) Beat comes on — you just gotta move. But are you suggesting that astrology might influence my choice of joggers?

c) We are all material objects spinning in the void. When we swirl and flit and meet in sweet caress, it is because we are divine beings on a celestial mission. Plus — I so love fuckin’ twerking!

7) Your sweetheart jus’ walked out the door. “Forever.”  That last word cutya so deep — but why did this tragedy happen?  Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

a) I guess we were astrologically incompatible. Some things are not meant to be.

b) Fuckin’ shitbrain! *scowl* *pout* *stomp* *pout* *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*

c) So … uhm … I accidentally spilled hot water on my ex-sweetheart’s pet terrapin. Happens.

8) Opposites attract — but sometimes it’s warfare. How acutely aware areya ‘bout your own personal astrological nemesis?

a) I understand astrology implicitly — essence to element, house to transit — and I got every single [insert starsigna known nemesis here] nailed to within an inch of its stupid freaking life. No lame [insert starsigna known nemesis here — only this time, mebbe growl real mean] gets past me, sister.

b) I am a goober no-hoper regularly gets stiffed. You saying this is all the fault of astrology — and not simply because I’m so intrinsically flawed my life is a living hell?

c) I keep tabs on my enemies using a variety of strategies, of which astrology is just one. Right now, I’m working on measuring people’s latent aggression by watching how they consume cupcakes.

9) Canya tell sumone’s starsign by the way they kiss?

a) Don’t be preposterous! Next you’ll be suggesting that magic is for real and dolphins can become invisible at will!

b) Is this an academic question — or are you suggesting I go try it out and see?

c) Every ridge and furrow of my tongue laps up the truth of the Cosmos — and no one remains incognito on my watch.

10) One question to go, confirmed astro-fiend —

a) Wait — did you just call me an astro-fiend? How presumptuous! How insulting! Listen, you irresponsible old crank, I fully intend to make it to the end of this stupid quiz having amassed zero fucking points, leaving both you and astrology to wallow in the sorry tears of your own irrelevance!

b) Ooh ooh — did I win? Please say I won — and there’s a trophy!

c) No need to ask any further! I was born a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy, I live each day as a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy, and I will die a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy! Viva astrology! Rah Rah Rah!

Are You A True Astro Aficionado?

Let The Inner Zodiac Quiz Reveal All!

You ready to have the beansa truth spilled overya head till the sauce dribbles all overya boobies?

Then prepare to discover — definitively — whether you is Astrofiend Incarnate or Celestial Skepticism’s Ardentest Ever Disser!

Here’s how the scorecard looks…

1 — A1 B2 C3

2 — A2 B3 C1

3 — A3 B2 C1

4 — A2 B3 C1

5 — A3 B1 C2

6 — A1 B2 C3

7 — A2 B3 C1

8 — A3 B1 C2

9 — A1 B2 C3

10 — A1 B2 C3

Now go pick up a maths whizz from the store — prolly the zero fashion guy in specs oglin’ alla the porno — an’ power ‘em up for the addition…

Score 10 —

Think You’re So Clever, Huh?

Ha!  I seen whatya did!

Desperate to cast aspersions on astrology at evry turn (mebbe cosya are sum divinity professor) you jus’ flunked out on my generous quiz so’s you could publish the results in sum stoopid journal an’ roast stargazy stuffs in academic flames.

Like I frickin’ care!

Score 11-18 —

Astro Devotee

It’s … lookin’ good.

Better than … nuthin’ … I guess.

But mebbe you wanna go fix up a starsign tattoo?

Sumplace prominent — like mebbe onya face?

It’s not that you are bordeline lame or nuthin’.

Jus’ probably need a little reminder from time to time, K?

‘Bout the astro enthoosiasm, remember?

Score 19-25 —

Astro Tits Floppin’ From Devotion’s Bra

Let it never be said that you are frequently found wantin’ in the Zodiacal Thrusto department.

You know your stars, you trustya auguries, an’ mebbe you got pets named after obscure celestial moons.

Friends gather at your feet to pull in your wisdom, lovers crave your astrologically-enhanced juices — an’ asya romp through the day, the planets shine their Zodiac-powered illoominations super sweet onya ass.


Score 26-30 —

So Astro Zealot! So Zodiac-crazed! So Spunky!

Tellya, you are outta frickin’ control!

Mebbe you are even totally fuckin’ annoyin’!

Yanno — like a puppy dog wants nuthin’ more than to lick lick lick lick lick run run run lick lick lick chase ball chase ball run run lick chase ball run lick run run run lick chase ball chase ball all fuckin’ day.


We both know astrology is jus’ so super cool it makesya feel warm an’ gooey inside, but there is no need to behave like a total dickbrain.

Actschly, it is prolly cozza people like you that regular folks get so anti-frickin’-astro.

“Dear sweet Jesus — that gal down the street is off her face ditzoid! Astrology this, astrology that — she should be locked the fuck up.

“Have you seen that weird book he carries round with him all the time? It’s not a novel or text book — it’s just full of numbers. Really weird looking … numbers!

“She speaks to the Moon. Can you believe that? In 2017! When we have science and convenience foods — and guns!

So yeah, things’re kinda anal retento out there rn, so you gotta take care.

My suggestion?

Buy a frickin’ parrot an’ get sum pirate clothes.

Deflect attention away from the astrology deal by mixin’ it with Depp-inspired braggadocio.

Prolly that gonna fix the naysayers real good…

“Dear sweet Jesus — that gal down the street is off her face ditzoid! Astrology this, astrology that, treasure chest crammed with doubloons the other — she should be locked the fuck up. Just gotta decide whether she deserves regular jail or a walk along the plank to the bottom of the ocean!”

“Have you seen that weird book he carries round with him all the time? It’s not a novel or text book — it’s just full of numbers. Really weird looking … numbers!  And that hat of his is totally ridiculous. Why can’t he wear a regular baseball cap? Or at very least cut his hair short and neat. Like a soldier.”

“She speaks to the Moon. Can you believe that? In 2017! And the parrot echoes her every word. Why keep a parrot as a pet when we have dogs and cats and rabbits? It’s outlandish to behold a parrot anyplace outside a jungle or zoo. Where did she obtain such a pet? Has a parrot shop opened up in the mall?”

See how the pirate strategy lets overzealous astrology offa the hook?

Your Inner Zodiac Quiz — The Scholarly Conclusion

Tellya, there is more to Moi than mere superaccurate astrological counsel an’ zero a cappella prowess.

I am srsly packin’ the lifehack tips also.

So come back next Monday see what I got, huh?

Sun is in Gemini right now, so you jus’ KNOW I am gonna be rustlin’ up sumthin’ super practical gonna relaxya strained astro-orifi an’ let the celestial vapors waft outtaya like synchronized vape wisps from a sponge…

Title Image c/o Mira De Shazer @Pixabay

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