<span class="sdata" title="15"></span> <span class="sdata" title="05, 2018"></span>

Your Handy URANUS IN TAURUS Transit Primer 2018

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-05-15T10:26:02+00:00"></span> |Astro Narrative Rompo, Creativity, Savin' The Cosmos, Taurus, Uranus|0 Comments

YOUR HANDY

URANUS IN TAURUS TRANSIT PRIMER 2018

Is the 2018 Uranus in Taurus transit the BIG ONE?

Yanno … an astrological wiener so colossal no boxers can contain it?

Even before we get our hands on it an’ play around with its potentialities as they firm up before our eyes?

tbh, I think so.

Which means we are fortunate, you an’ Moi.

Cos we livin’ through a time packin’ real change — a way better scenario than suffocatin’ to death beneath no cardboard mleh comfort blanket Nirvana.

Gotta figure the Uranus in Taurus transit phenomenaaahn pulls on the change lever for three key reasons.

1) Gonna last till 2026.

Uranus is a slow-movin’ outer planet an’ its effects grow an’ manifest over time, slowly sweepin’ away whatever went on before.

So mebbe think ‘bout a mockin’ bird.

You get a mockin’ bird as an egg, you can train her up to sing anythin’ you wanna — soulful indie, ancient O Irish ballads, religious zealotry maxin’ on pomp — but 7-8 years later she gonna be dead, an’ you gotta go buy another mockin’ bird.

Right now, we switchin’ out a repertoire-rich-but-dead Aries bird for an egg got bull horns burstin’ outta it whose playlist we gotta learn up from scratch — assoomin’ the bird gonna play ball.

2) Uranus and Taurus Don’t See Eye To Eye

Key deal here is disruption vs stability.

Uranus packs a reflex says UPSET THE APPLE CART; Taurus wants to pile up the apples one by one, countin’ ‘em as she goes, till they are all safe an’ stable in the cart like a kinda apple mountain (less’n she eats ‘em first with a buncha cream & syrup, mebbe a coupla hundred burgers big as frickin’ scatter cushions).

As astrological unions go, this means an awkward compromise at best an’ one-sided dom at worst.

For sure it is an erratic an’ unpredictable vibe — an’ not one we gonna accommodate easily jus’ cos it goes on for so long.

(The opposite situation is when a planet comes home to roost in its own sign and its energies can be tapped to perfection — a situation like the current Saturn in Capricorn scenario which I know for a fact evrywan is enjoyin’ so, so very much.)

3) Uranus bcs

Anythin’ involvin’ Uranus maxes out on the erratic change deal by default.

Here’s the math …

Take the Uranus outta Uranus in Taurus … an’ you jus’ got Taurus.

An’ what use would it be if planet Oith relied on purdy lookin’ moo cows alone?

Eatin’ pizza at one end, poopin out liquid fertilizer at the other, an’ slowly growin’ the place into a verdant paradise gonna make the Utopian Gaia vision look ecologically pure as pressed orange juice sum alien cephalopod cyborg peed in?

(Actschwlly, this vision sounds mebbe not so bad rn whenya consider the zillion ways hoomankind be trashin’ the place with its eco-harmin’ tech an’ plastic, but even Paradise cannot persist in stasis an’ evrythin’ needs a poke in the ass from time to time.)

Fact is, Uranus loves nuthin’ more than to initiate disruption jus’ to see what happens, an’ in Taurus, it found a real cosy home where it can inflict max possible damage.

So, listen — we in for an excitin’ ride.

I would wanna suggest how Taurus an’ Scorpio gonna be the signs most affected by the Uranus in Taurus transit, followed by Aquarius (cos Uranus rules over the water bearer’s domain) an’ Leo (cos she the 4th fixed sign in the groop gonna be buffeted in the maelstrom) … then evryfucker else.

But let’s be clear here — like the already up-&-runnin’ Saturn in Capricorn vibe (*bliss*), Uranus in Taurus is a distinct astrological epoch gonna make its mark an’ lay down tracks for all eternity.

The Aries-to-Taurus switchout is a major shifta gear on an Unconvention Machine gonna inflooence our loyalties an’ loosen up our firm convictions in a whole buncha areas in our Lifestyle Array.

So here’s my top 5 pointers to how evrywan can maximise their opportoonities in this bright noo epoch …

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 — Blessin’ in Disguise #1

You May Not be Holy Butchya Sure Can Be Verdant

Ain’t so long ago that nowan recycled nuthin’ an’ raw waste got poured into rivers without a care.

Now we all super diligent in so many small ways an’ we seein’ ecological improvements roll out before our eyes — from our neighborhoods through to the wider world.

Tellya, we are so darn green it is like we are Groot — an’ we can feel proud we done great things to reverse environmental catastrophe.

Thing is, we the first generations to think real serious ‘bout these ishoos from a global perspective, an’ what Uranus in Taurus gonna reveal is how we been real fuckin’ feeble.

Jus’ cos we all pack energy-friendly light bulbs an’ don’t flush our tampons directly down the toilet to avoid killin’ baby seals don’t mean we ain’t still headed toward the Abyss.

So we gonna see a big time environmental step-up here — an’ we gonna discover ourselves more zest to make it happen.

This means plenty noo tech got pro-environmental smarts built in — a Uranian revolution that delivers the tools we need to quit poisonin’ the world to death.

Could this revolution begin with YOU?

Depends on howya view the Uranian vibe.

Sumtimes, Uranus plays the eccentric inventor, an’ one bright spark summons miracles from outta seemin’ vapor.

Other times, Uranus harnesses a global movement benefits the common person — an’ I figure we gonna see way more shit operatin’ on this kinda ticket.

Crowdfunded pressure groups packin’ PRO- ‘steada ANTI- agendas — with real power to create news an’ effect change, ‘speshly regardin’ planetary greenness.

We been told for too long by the guys with the money that money don’t grow outta the ground — yet these are so often the self-servin’ bastards who plunder the Earth an’ its resources like they were in infinite supply.

Whatevah you wanna call that deal (an’ I would recommend “Plain Stoopid”), Uranus in Taurus says TIME’S UP.

So, c’mon — ‘fess up fronta the mirror how your planet-lovin’ prowess be kinda feeble — an’ go help fix up sum verdant-powered, green-conscious initiative sumplace.

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 — Blessin’ in Disguise #2

What A Great Time To Be a Nipple Attached To a Sensorium

Can’t look in on no Uranus in Taurus transit for too long without talkin’ boobies — an’ tinglydanglies in general.

Anywan made sweet amour with a Taurus knows they be tactile frickin’ rocket fuel.

You wanna feel wanted, loved, cherished, pampered, blown away downstairs — hook up with a Taurus.

For sure any Uranian revolution in the blendyjuicy department got robot sex written all over it, but that is the creepy extreme to the forthcomin’ vibe.

An’ natchrlly we gonna discover excitin’ noo ways to make with the Intimate Pleasure deal, even though we already done evry Yoga posture allows two people to lick each other’s assholes without breakin’ their frickin’ arms.

For Moi, the bold noo Uranian deal gonna feature a kinda earnest communion.

Gender flooidity means we got more waysa meetin’ up an’ makin out beyond whether we doin’ a handstand while our partner brings us off with their ears.

For all their differences, the Uranian an’ Taurean vibes got their own particular integrity, an’ I figure the interpersonal tenderness needed to trooly hit on an excited an’ pampered nipple gonna receive a real boost as people engage with one another on an adventurously honest level means they free to express their unique integrity.

So, yeah, we gonna see robots packin’ all kindsa rotatin’ cunny stimulators, but also a whole buncha beautifully decloaked individyools makin’ out more open an’ sweet, wherever their union finds ‘em on the gender plateau.

Starts May 15th, so go make with the authentically zappy Frenchies Nouveaux

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 — Blessin’ in Disguise #3

From The Financial Wreckage Shall a More Salient Point About Value & Exchange Spring Like a Christmas Cracker Froggy

This is prolly the feature you expectin’ to see in this kinda article.

Taurus got plenty to say ‘bout finance, so natchrlly the erratic Uranus inflooence means alla the world’s money houses be damned an’ the fyooture gonna run on Bitcoin, kinda thing.

But I would wanna look in on Taurus as a Zodiac packs real insight ‘bout VALUE an’ the one-to-one protocols governin’ fair exchange.

Finance is but one exchange mechanism packs this deal — an’ for sure it is in for a revoolution gonna make the process easier an’ fairer — but filthy lucre is not the enda the story.

In our small ways, we meet an’ greet on all kindsa levels an’ exchange all kindsa personstuffs.

We would wanna be fair an ‘ considerate, but sumtimes we ain’t — an’ our unconsciously one-sided behavior has consequences.

(If we wilfully that way, shame on us, I guess.)

Gotta think here ‘bout the classic “Undervalued Taurus” — sulkin’ away in the corner with an expression like she been slapped in the face with a dead frickin’ toona fish bcs nowan complemented her on her cookin’.

Way I see it, same way as Uranus in Taurus means we gonna wish for a more trooly verdant planet, we also gonna look in more generous on the offers people make to the world.

Startups … based on individyool talents an’ skills unlocked … destined to power up the world with noo smarts … an’ generate noo ways to thank people for what they got — this is what is comin’.

For sure, finance in all its evolvin’ forms will help run the show — but the key transaction gonna be value an’ talent harnessed anew (which for Moi mebbe means chargin’ for astrological readings plus a free ankle & ear lobe massage in pizza or tights.)

Like Jesse J said, it ain’t all about the money — an’ let’s face it, that was years ago before most people saw Uranus in Taurus comin’.

So please be ready to value the people in your life with more earnestness an’ vison.

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 — Blessin’ in Disguise #4

Your New Personal Philosophy Jus’ Trashed Your Old Identity

I got a feelin’ permanence gonna become more flooid — an’ this mebbe gonna make more sense to anywan keeps a journal, operates a personal manifesto or introspects till their hairdo periodically retracts into their skull for a reboot.

We all got ideas an’ thoughts about ourselves kinda grow an’ change through time.

If that weren’t the deal, prolly we would all be wasps.

Summa us flux an’ change all over, others remain broadly steady, but for eacha us — fixed to mutable to cardinal … Aries to Pisces — there is an idea we got ‘bout havin’ a personal CORE.

Take Susie Drivelshitter from Texas, for example.

She a Gemini got green hair now ‘steada purple, an’ she ridin’ motorcycles ‘steada horses.

Her temper is more even than mebbe 5 years ago, but she also way more stressed.

But hey, good ol’ Susie Drivelshitter still talks a loada crap — an’ she knows it.

Take the drivel shit outta the Susie … an’ she kinda ceases to exist.

We all got a CORE like that — a whole buncha essentialstuffs we recognise intimately as excloosively US.

As Uranus bulldozes its sparky all over Taurus, this CORE gonna receive temptin’ invitations to bend & twist — an’ I phrase that in a more positive way than sayin’ sumthin’ like we gonna discover heart & soul under siege cos I don’t want nowan runnin’ for the hills cos they fear the next 8 years gonna screw ‘em outta their personal existence.

It will only feel like that occasionally — like mebbe evry Toosday … and mosta Wednesday to Monday.

An’ mebbe the positive way to view this … ahemfundamental CORE review is to figure on how the smartest buncha solootions hoomankind gonna discover ain’t happened yet.

See, cos the fyooture always depends on shit turnin’ out different.

So imagine how cheated you gonna be in 2026 whenya CORE is 100% Same Old Same Old as it is today.

Might the changes you never saw be entirely dependent on this stubborn ol’ CORE immutability?

Two ways to look at this, I guess.

From a purely disruptive perspective, Uranus in Taurus opens up the possibility for a total personal revolootion where we willingly embrace transformation in our personal CORE beyond what we would ordinarily have tolerated or believed — an’ we do so despite the shocks because we desire a noo an’ authentic freedom.

Alternatively, we gotta remember how disruption is so very often an illoominatin’ change in our pointa view — in which case, our CORE might come through the Uranian blender in one integrity-packin’ piece, only this time we appreciate its value in novel ways open up opportoonities for change we previously could not see.

Alternatively, Uranus gonna take us all by surprise like the mid-coitus sudden finger up the pooper.

Whatever happens, be ready to look in on essential growth-propulsin’ maintenance to your CORE an’ accept the enhancements with gratitood an’ not too much writhin’ around on the floor screamin’ your tits off.

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 — Blessin’ in Disguise #5

Dropdead Donuts

Can’t ever talk ‘bout Taurus for too long without mentionin’ donuts.

See, cos for alla her colossal work ethic an’ values-driven diligence, Taurus is merely a pleasure-seekin’ sensationbeest wantsta stuff infinite YUMMIES down her throat.

An’ by donuts, I mean the bagel kind — yanno, the ones with the holes in the center?

Tellya, those kindsa donuts are the real Taurean deal.

Sit Taurus down at the dinner table with that kinda donut, an’ as she is consoomin’ it like a black hole devours stars, she mebbe say sumthin’ like, “I understand how everyone figures we Taureans eat way too much food — but look here at this donut with NOTHING at its center! In my own sweet way, I am almost fasting as I eat — just think of all the carbs I am denying myself thanks to this enormous vacuum in my lunch space.”

Course, the bigger the central hole, the bigger the donut diameter — butchya must never point that out to got-the-food-deal-sorted ol’ Taurus.

So what does this all mean?

I figure two major developments.

Truth about the donut with the hole in the center is how plenty people in the world got access to the donut part where others merely got the hole.

World gotta eat, an’ right now it fuckin’ don’t — an’ like the deal we got with cleanin’ the place up so we can all prosper in a verdant haven stimulates us to generate cool shit, we gotta get way smarter ‘bout invitin’ evrywan along to the eats.

Jus’ ain’t good enough no more for those packin’ the donut parta the donuts to say, “we trooly sorry yallz live sumplace too hot an’ dry to make food production a doozy, an’ for sure we’d inviteya all over to ours for a serious party, only we closin’ our borders to your kinda people, so here’s a buncha old clothes we don’t want no more, mebbe you can make ‘em into soup or sumthin’”

Lookin’ around the world to the places don’ got too many 24 hour burger joints vomitin’ garbage, I see plenty honorary Taureans real protective ‘bout their place an’ their culture who value their environment as home despite alla its hardships.

An’ I also see plenty honorary Uranians loadin’ up their cashier-free superstores with impossibly fancy Zero Effort food nowan wants whose essential narrative is … I get prodooced at vast expense … I sit on the shelf at vast expense … only to be thrown in the trash at great expense.

Tellya, we got a real imbalance regardin’ eats demands a revolootionry kick in the teeth — an’ the Uranus in Taurus energy is perfectly suited to gettin’ stuck in on this kinda global ishoo.

Values, essentials, all the world’s hoomans — an’ a smarter solootion than ever wider donuts with glarin’ holes in the center.

Truth is, food is a person-maker, an’ without it, you don’t got no fuckin’ persons.

It is a universal truth — so please be more universally considerate whenya stuffin’ your face.

Uranus in Taurus Transit 2018 —
Concloosion Accordin’ To Moi

So thereya have it — five killer ways the Uranus in Taurus transit gonna impact positively on alla our lives despite the potentially alarmin’ growin’ pains gotta be negotiated along the way.

It is a disruptive energy let loose, for sure — coupla vibes don’t sit real easy together nonetheless makin’ with the combinatorial creativity deal best they can.

Broad narrative gonna look in on how change is a permanent fixture in our lives an’ how our CORE life essentials can mebbe mutate into smarter noo versionsa ‘emselves an’ transform integrity into an evolvin’ rather than conservative force.

An’ if’n that sounds too high-falutin’ or aspirationally speculative, gotta remember how any such change or permanence-in-flux stuffs gonna be felt real close up.

For Moi, that is the real dynamic.

So much about Uranus is sparkiness zammin’ faroff — a disconnected kinda wizardry.

Contrast that vibe with the immediate sensual hit Taurus values — evrythin’ from perfect pasta to rockin’ art to the warmest hug ever — an’ it is clear we got a bizarro kinda mismatch gonna shake shit up on evry level from the intelletyool to the evryday an’ practical.

But this great opportoonity we got to pool sweet an’ smart as global hoomans ain’t no kinda magic gonna happen jus’ cos the planets swung round all dinky.

We gotta shape alla this shit ourselves — decide we gonna take advantage durin’ the 8 years this once-in-a-lifetime panorama be ours to re-envisage.

So plz look in on howya directly impact on your world an’ the people in it.

What kinda tangible phenomenon movin’ through time & space areya, anyways?

An’ whatchyoo gonna do to elevate the deal we all got gowin’ down?

Gotta figure substantial change don’t start from anyplace else than this — person by person, planetwide.

Be in no doubt, Sweeties, Uranus in Taurus gonna pull the mess & bless deal withya Mojo …

Title Image c/o 41330 @ Pixabay

Tellya, you wanna look in on plenty GREEN imagry & feel soothed downta your soul, go check these real neat photographs.

Spread the love, slip in the bookmark, mix up the linky.

<span class="sdata" title="13"></span> <span class="sdata" title="11, 2017"></span>

5 Reasons Why Noo Millennial Astrology Differs From Owd (Mostly Wooden) Historical Shit

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-03-13T13:11:04+00:00"></span> |Astro Narrative Rompo, Cosmic Roolz, Illusion, Imaginary Friends, Millennial Shitz, Relationships, Savin' The Cosmos|0 Comments

5 REASONS WHY NOO MILLENNIAL ASTROLOGY DIFFERS FROM OWD (MOSTLY WOODEN) HISTORICAL SHIT

As hoomanity cruises toward 2018, Noo Millennial Astrology stands poised to outstrip its Zeroth to 20th Century sisters in termsa popularity, application & plain ol’ fun.

Tbh, it stands so poised, it is practically layin’ splooshied out on sum polychromatic fuckin’ Yoga mat.

Even the habitually facts-oriented New York Post started runnin’ astrology articles to boost sales.

In their latest offerin’ — “Millennials Are Ditching Religion For Astrology” — they suggest how Western spirityool hipsters’re prolly way more gullible than their Chinese counterparts when it comes to stargazy stuffs cos they got Sil Valley-powered tech delivers ‘em astrology as an app & way more cultural an’ sekshoal diversity makes ‘em intrinsically stoopider than previous generations (though to be fair, the NYP did not offer no tacky starsign keyfobs as free gifts to lure the more practically airheaded Millennials along for the ride).

(2018 Update — The Guardian rolls along also on another fine pre-emptive scoop.)

Question I got as a Millennial astrologer person is what can we all mebbe expect from the unfoldin’ centuries in termsa life-enhancin’ astrology action compared to the thousand years jus’ plunged offa history’s cliff face in a swirlin’ clouda Vikings, Rennayssance art an’ vibratin’ dildos?

Cos it is not like the planets’re gowin’ anyplace beyond the Milky Way anytime soon — less’n hoomanity fucks on the Solar System like it has fucked on most places down here on Terrorized Firma’s ‘sweet virgin ravaged hard in the ass’ environment … an’ pitches the whole planetary dance troupe into Oblivion.

Gotta figure Venus an’ Joopiter gonna spin on an’ kiss up once in a while, jus’ like always — dootifully accompanied by Mars an’ Neptoon an’ Plooto an’ alla their globesy galaxy-stuffs pals.

So … as the Noo Millennium leaves the startin’ block behind an’ stomps headlong into the fyooture, gotta ask … what is gonna happen different?

You Planning On Telling Us Any Time Soon, O Princess? We New Millennium Millennials Lead Astonishingly Busy Lives And We Have No Desire To Inadvertently Court Costly Stress Reduction Therapy Sessions Just Because Your Ramblings Distracted Us From Our Hourly LOLcat Share Fix And We Freaked The Fuck Out.

K, so here is your lame LOLcat.

hairtrigger tigger LOLcat pisses astrology millennials

Satisfied?

Point is, you gotta remember how astrology originally got formulated an’ disseminated back before there weren’t no science to say ASTROLOGY AIN’T FUCKIN’ SCIENCE, GODDAMIT!!!

Tbh, those early astrologers had no clue whether they was predictive geniuses or merely deluded imbeciles in a world packin’ even dumber goobers.

See, cos prolly mosta the truthseekers queuing up outside the star-emblazoned tents an’ wagons centera evry backwater hamlet could read an’ write less good than the weevils crawlin’ around in their fuckin’ pants.

Result?

Any astrologers smiled sweet enough & mebbe had a cat or toad to pet, they could prolly get away with sayin’ anythin’ an’ pass it off as prediction.

Here is mebbe one such scenario…

ASTROLOGER — I sense fortune ahead, maybe even langoustines.

WEEVIL-INFESTED, CRETINOUS LOWLIFE PACKIN’ BENT GROAT — Gee, that’s so swell! But what exactly is a langoustine?

ASTROLOGER (Aside, To Where Hidden Camera Gonna Be In Like 1100 Years) — Hahaha, stoopid frickin’ ditzbrain! How easily do I rob this buffoon of his moolah in exchange for wanton improvisation on a roll!

WEEVIL-INFESTED, CRETINOUS LOWLIFE PACKIN’ BENT GROAT —Hey, I heard that! Plus I’m a GOIL BUFFOON, you impertinent shitbag!

See, back then in the Owd (Mostly Wooden) Millennium, astrology was real easy.

Tellya, I am super envious ‘bout any stargazy types prior to 1781 cos even WAY SMART SCIENCE got no clue ‘bout Uranus, Neptoon or Plooto up till that point — meanin’ dishin’ out natal charts was way less effort, the fuckin’ slackers.

Time was when all astrologers gotta do was eyeball the Moon for a few secs … an’ they could write out Forthcominge Hooman Historye till 4789.

Today’s astrologers gotta factor alla these noocomer planetary babies into their astro analyses — along with a whole buncha peripheral moons, nodes & miscellaneous schwango.

Do We Detect The Subtlest Hint Of Petulant Rage Bubbling From Deep Within, O Princess?

Tbh, prolly I would not care ‘bout the slacker natal chart deal if’n yesterday’s astrologers didn’t also got zero stylist an’ administration ishoos cozza their total lacka hairdryers an’ need for any kinda organization requires binge-watchin’ sum frickin’ Netflix show.

Aw, but hey — like I promised starta this article, the noo astrological Millennium we all kickstartin’ rn got way more potential than the one began with Jesus an’ a calendar finally kinda gowin’ sumplace positive.

You want my top five reasons for makin’ this proclamation?

K, so here they are…

1) Noo Millennial Astrology Gonna Kiss Way Sweeter On PEOPLE

Coolest deal ‘bout astrology is how it arises from people ‘steada planets.

Remove alla the people from the world in mebbe a Trump vs Kimmee The Nooker Infant-out Scenario, an’ alla the planets’ backstory disappears alongside the predictive potentialities inherent in their sweet, sweet dance.

I dunno, mebbe sum weird noots gonna survive any ‘nook or asteroid or zombies’ Apocalypse moseys along, butchya gotta figure they ain’t gonna be too intrested in Mercury gowin’ retrograde or no kinda waxin’ moons.

An’ what in hell would a Leo noot look like anyways?

Scaly amphibian mother hangs out in a pond got fuck all courageous feline attributes far as I can see — less’n they got a buncha wigs an’ costooms down there so’s they can put on an annual Broadway-style show for alla the other scaly amphibian mothers beached in the mud.

Gotta figure, despite all the croolty an’ brutality an’ discrimination we toleratin’in the world rn, that hooman peoples’re becomin’ more peopler an’ soulful — an’ the artsy, heartsy approach astrology offers by waya delish narrative an’ story stuffs touchin’ sweet on feelo prolly gonna help us all along way better than bein’ chained to the stiflin’, po-faced visiona what contistooted a person for most centuries the Owd (Mostly Wooden) Millennium packed (an’ you can read more ‘bout those lame fuckers in my Sagittarian Firepower post jus’ here).

That is a neato advance, even if nowan don’t actschwlly believe in astrology.

Baseline, a casyool conversation ‘bout what it is to be a TAURUS (for example) could figure as a call to action for sumthin’ more substantial an’ life-changin’.

SAGITTARIUS — So … you’re a Taurus, huh?

TAURUS — Yeah, I guess.

SAGITTARIUS — Prolly that is why you’re stacking the cellulite like a vampire prowls the night hungry for blood.

TAURUS — You suggesting I go see my doctor for a health check?

SAGITTARIUS — I’m suggesting you lose the skin-tight joggers before I wince myself to death.

2) Noo Millennial Astrology Gonna Keep The Sex Hormone Suckin’ Aliens At Bay

Was a time when we figured alla the Aztec an’ Ancient Egyptian architecture was downta mysterious aliens stayed awhile before equally mysteriously fuckin’ off.

Personally, I do not buy that story bcs Wal-Mart.

When discount meets quality with such pro-creatively synthesised finesse, gotta figure any bug-eyed aliens packin’ warp-powered spacecraft an’ pyramid-constructin’ smarts gonna head back down on us for frozen dinners in bulk.

But I been wrong before — a frank admission, I guess, seein’ as how I graduated from Astrology School maxin’ out on predictive credentials bestowed by Mother Cosmosis herself … an’ said skillset is my only passage to a life drenched in Vodka — an’ I would wanna hope that if aliens DID build alla that shit … an’ they ARE comin’ back sumtime soon … they gonna be mighty impressed with how we leveled up their past achievements all nouveau un-crapopla ASTRO.

Keepin’ aliens happy is the same deal as makin’ out real swell in college, job, relationship or fam — if a major leagues Significant Other lovesya, they way less likely to rip offya head, let alone strapya to a weirdsy experimentation table an’ drainya sex hormones out through a hi-tech frickin’ syringe.

Tellya, those aliens gonna look at we Noo Millennial Astrology types an’ say, “how rewarding it is to discover a fundamentally cerebrally challenged race of creatures so creatively dismissive of the truth about their extra-terrestrial origins that they prefer to countenance a romance-stuffed reality based less on bug-eyed ubersavants such as ourselves and more on the exploits of imaginary beings like horse-people packing missile weapons and fish-tailed goats whose permanently dour expressions defy what is anatomically possible from a FACE.”

3) Noodles

This is nuthin’ related to anythin’ much btw — but I reached the point in my writin’ where I gotta go fill up on noodles.

It is a cool strategy works for most stuffs, from caressin’ my regular Monthly Horoscopes into fully erect monolithsa Foretellismo to offerin’ astro insights on “double the drivel” Twitter.

I dunno, there is sumthin’ comfortin ‘bout havin’ a bowla noodles next to my keyboard I can kinda dip in on as I leap from line to paragraph like an enthoosiastic puppy chasin’ astrology’s balls.

An’ mebbe we got an analogy here with how Noo Millennial Astrology gonna work out.

At heart, astrology got structure — a real formal architecture with which it is possible to sublimely fuck.

Prolly back in the day, structure was rolled out more or less straight — I am a prescient harridan in a sparkly cape and you are a spiderweb of uncertainty … so what say I fix up the rest of your life in exchange for moolah and kudos? — but now we can swooshie the architecture around an’ kinda multitask so’s a new blenda prediction delivery can roll all hip an’ swankospanko outta astrology’s juicy vestibule.

I don’t wanna get diverted by no fledglin’ noodlemancy here, but I figure the options we all generated for ourselves as we clambered our way through the Owd (Mostly Wooden) Millennium gotta reflect back to their pointsa historical origin an’ evolve our methodologies sum.

(I jus’ seen a noodle ducky hangin’ offa my chopsticks btw — but in a 1-to-1 consultation, coulda been a metaphorical noose spells big trouble for a payin’ Cancer worrypants.)

More people in the world, more interactions, more stuffs, more waysa bein’ a person got pride — gotta figure alla these evolutions on the themea WHAT WE ALL KINDA ARE & DO gonna feed back into the same ol’ pussycats an’ scorpions an’ balancin’ scales with ever brighter proto-narrative verve.

Ha! Either it gonna be like THAT … or hoomankind chooses to get WAY STUCK bustin’ out on lamestuffs gowin’ noplace.

(That las’ observation was inspired by sum noodle ain’t cooked proper & all globbied together, btw. Jus’ gotta take a pee now before returning to the troo astrological fray for Part 4.)

4) Noo Millennial Astrology Gonna Gush Deeper Into The Wellspringa Life

Prolly back in the day, mysticism manifested merely as a trickle.

It is troo people prolly were more receptive to ideas ‘bout demonic possession an’ shit, but most times all they done was lead tragically miserable lives from which any kinda story but DEATH FAMINE DEATH FAMINE LOUSY UNDERWEAR DEATH FAMINE was real absent.

But today’s stories got more space to flourish on out an’ grow pools an’ oceans fulla supermutable possibility cos they more like a torrent than a trickle.

An’ I guess the deal is … when liquids flow on out an’ re-blend, creative conflux is inevitable.

We prolly only startin’ to see how personal mythology fluxed out on ever-adaptin’ astrology gonna enrich us.

Flipside, gotta wonder what benefits gonna accrue if’n astrology were taken outta the mix.

Tellya, if those Uranus-free Owd-time astrologers turned on the predictive & illustrative faucet way back, the Noo Millennial Astrologers we got springin’ up evryplace from Tumblr to Kickstarter-funded, star-emblazoned tents pitched up in the mall jus’ pulled out the frickin’ hosepipe an’ made with the unrestrained squirtin’.

From brief lives fulla toil came wondrous stories — narrative whirlpools gonna repurpose ‘emselves as waterfalls as life’s wellspring demands sweeter succor.

Plus also … yeah, I peed down my leg ‘fore’n I reached the john.

Prolly next blaaahg post I should leave out the Chai tea an’ strap a bucket to my fuckin’ fanj, I dunno…

5) Noo Millennial Astrology Gonna Inform The Cyborg Revolootion

We all know how the robots’re comin’ — but I would wanna wish always that we ain’t stoopid enough to build faux-persons replace actschwl people.

It is more than jus’ wonderin’ what sum folks gonna do once the expertise firin’ up their livelihoods is taken off ‘em by sum crappy plastic AI-driven slave — an’ I am thinkin’ here ‘bout a loser fyooture where spirityooly alienated persons gotta spend quality bar hangout time with manufactured dinkiness got no IRL brains or heart.

But I figure that kinda Bladerunner 2049 scenario ain’t gonna happen.

That kinda invention an’ convenience may ease us along sumplace cool — like electric toothbrushes are way better than their predecessors, ‘specially ifya need a cheap thrill — butchya gotta figure we are essentially pleasure seekers at heart, an’ without payoff proffers heart up front, seems a barren kinda deal to Moi.

But, listen, we got astrology for cats, right?

An’ dogs an’ hamsters an’ iguanas an’ … the whole damn menagerie.

Gotta figure nouveau body parts is already here — noo hips for old folks got way too athletic in the bendy bumsex sack back in the day, hot noo teeth don’t makeya look like a frickin’ horse, noo heart so’s you can party big time without bein’ labeled a corpse — an’ alla this stuff eventually gonna tech on out all cyborg.

That means … Capricornian synthetic digestive tract for stricto dieters … Cancerian 11th finger for emo guitar players … Taurean 3-speed dick for mebbe Mondays (an’ a 10-speed leather-feel option for the weekend links all supersynapse with same partsa the brain recognise DONUTS as YUMMO).

Tellya, I get noo enhanced body parts when I am 167, I wanna call out their starsign.

Like always, I wanna mix an’ match alla my stuffs for maxo compatibility.

Gotta figure Libran musical boobies gonna perform way different to Scorpio musical boobies — an’ that is beforeya even consider astro-cyborg compatibility match-up potential.

“I so love my Gemini Wit-o-Tonguetm — but it conflicts real uncomfortable with my Poopomatictm Sagittarian asshole flaps.”

“The levitation facility on my Pisces Neptu-tootsietm feet is real cool for buzzin’ around the place, but when I am getting fucked with my legs wrapped behind my head, they throw the circuits in my Virgo UltraDistinguishalyzertm eyeballs an’ my guy shoots off too quick cos he thinks I am cummin’”

“So, yeah, I got me one of those 10-speed Taurean BullyThrustotm cyberdicks, but its inherently beautiful curves simply don’t segue to stylistic perfection with the glass spikes jutting from my PerinealBlitzkriegtm Aquarius ballbag.”

Tellya, if’n the fyooture gonna feature enhanced hoomans bustin’ out on a cyborg ticket, I wanna see astrology-friendly marketin’ strategies — or I ain’t buyin’.

Noo Millennial Astrology — A Minxydizy Astrologer Person’s Expert Summary

Point is, we got sum real important dialogs happnin’ now between generations — more IRL an’ interactive than anyone from any fyooture got touch on what went down centuries past.

Trads, Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, Gen Y, Centennials, Pan-epoch Wankotwazzlers — we all cohabit the current hooman polyblendo, an’ we all breathe stories in & pump ‘em out.

Mebbe our myootyool journey has delivered us to a real flooid point we OK bein’ happy ‘bout — a less fixed perspective than the trad Trad POV, but one pulsin’ out on its own kinda rhythm & roolz.

An’ in this swirla hooman story, gotta figure Leo still gonna be Leo — proudly archetypal kittypops — but her adventures mebbe gonna play out different from way back when her fiercely courageous POV was less ‘bout throwin’ on a pussy hat & more about screamin’ for the right to have a say in the first fuckin’ place.

Prolly sum people figure astrology is loopydoops fantasypants, but it is precisely cozza the imaginary narrative realm over which it holds sway that its intrinsic formality forever discovers excitin’ noo ways to manifest.

Mebbe I will expand on this theme another time (when the planets scowl down upon Moi & say FFS we are so excitingly multimanifestular, we’re quitting the astrology wheelhouse an’ forging ahead as venture capitalists hooked on porn), but for now, be bright & beautiful bunnies to one another asya bibbidy boop your way through the unfoldin’ celestial panorama.

You lose your way, I am always here — closer to your spirityool side than a faithful dog lickin’ on its owner’s face cos it jus’ bit the end offa its own dick — an’ you can come check my Monthly Horoscopes any time … along with Twitter, Tumblr, Medium an’ Buzzfeed (link pendin’).

“Gonna make fertile soil, gotta shit outta more’n one asshole.”

Title Image c/o Coyot @Pixabay

Delishest LOLcat Evah c/o Ian Robinson … also @ Pixabay

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