<span class="sdata" title="11"></span> <span class="sdata" title="09, 2017"></span>

What’s Your Best Star Sign Quality?

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2018-03-15T20:00:49+00:00"></span>|Cosmic Roolz, Relationships, Star Sign Shit|0 Comments


What’s your best star sign quality?

I mean really?

Think for a sec ‘bout your most redeemin’ astro attribute — yanno, the one word sumsya up to perfection.

I’m talkin’ here about that one killer quality leaps outta evry horoscope or Zodiac summary an’ makesya scream That Is So Me! That Is So Me! That Is So Me!

Evryone got one such star sign quality, Aries to Pisces.

Evryone loves their bestest plus point, evryone revels in its glow, evryone proudly proclaims their #1 personal attribute as THE REASON for their success an’ total dinkiness in all areasa life — from love to luck to money.

But you wanna know what is weird?

(Cos you been around the block enough times to know astrology is totally fuckin’ lame sumtimes?)

Round back on the other sidea the astro equation you are packin’another star sign quality that is mebbe not so good.

Actschlly, this personality feature is more like a no-holds-barred bummer — sumthin’ real bad, sumthin’ real negative, sumthin’ you would never willingly choose to be onya personal team if’n appeared on a lista options handed out by an angel.

An’ you wanna know what is even weirder?

Your best killer star sign quality an’ your most negative star sign quality are THE SAME FUCKIN’ THING.

Yeah, yeah — I know.

It is crazy. It is lame. It is nuts.

But, hey, listen — I am merely a talented astrologer extraordinaire playin’ conduit for this depressin’ nooz, so plz do not blame Moi for the horrifically cruel naturea the Cosmos.

It’s jus’ how it is, K?

My role here is strictly spillsybeansy.

So lemme talkya through this bizarre astro bummer, star sign by star sign, see if I can make sum sensea celestial energies gone batshit.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Aries

Gotta figure Aries is ambitious.

You got sumthin’ outta reach — always — that is so frickin’ cool an’ smart you gotta have it.

You got big ideas, big desires, big yearnin’ needs — an’ alla the firepower gonna make sureya get it.

Who would not admire ambition — the burnin’ passion for improvement an’ advance an’ progress?

In all things?

From better ways to protect the environment to lacier underwear to adornya tinglydanglies?

I’ll tellya who don’t admire ambition — alla the people picked up on howya are so aggressive.

Cos ambition is not like lyin’ around in the Sun, right?

Kinda … sun appears, you throw on a bikini, you lie down, typea thing.

Nah — for ambition to work, you gotta overcome obstacles.

An’ summa those obstacles are people — or the fruitsa their labors.

These people only admire ambition when it is their own!

You try ambition with those suckers, they gonna say you are pushy.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Taurus

I know how it goes with you guys.

Thereya are, bumblin’ along all moosy cowsy in a touchy feely kinda vibe, daisy pokin’ fromya lips an’ a buncha pies inya knapsack, when suddenly your eyes alight on the word TENACIOUS.

Yeah, cos that is so YOU, right?

Stickin’ it out where fainter hearts give up, stayin’ on task long beyond the calla duty, seein’ shit through to the last.

Tellya, you are such a stubborn cunt.

What is it with you anyhow?

Why’dya haveta dig in alla the time an’ be so goddamn awkward?

Sound familiar?

Gotta love a red rag to a bull, I guess.

People say, “we keep reminding plodsy ol’ Taurus how stubborn they are, for sure they will get sick of our nagging and give up.”

Ha! Like that is ever gonna happen.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Gemini

I would wanna focus on flirty.

Kinda tricky, I know, cos flirty don’t stay still long enough to get fixed by a single eyeball, let alone a co-ordinated pair.

It is like pickin’ out a lone gnat in a cloud an’ stayin’ with it as it buzzes around at random.

Tellya, the Gemini flirty deal is so appealin’cos it merges the twinned cerebral fancya investigation an’ curiosity with performance allure.

But unlike Virgo’s measured experimentin’ an’ Leo’s rehearsed showpersonship, Gemini’s flightiness extends superdeep inside.

In essence, Gemini’s flirty freedoms blossom from uncertainty.

It is a positive uncertainty, for sure — but it is also fickle.

How excitin’ and desirable can all these flightsa fancy be if they are not keepers?

Perhaps Gemini is the true custodiana the moment — Time’s eternal improviser an’ lovera all things.

Or mebbe Gemini is jus’ what evryone says — a jumpy, fickle ditz.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Cancer

C is for Cancer, C is for carin’.

Tellya, that person inya life always collectin’ for whales or blind people … organisin’ charity stuff for bankrupt celebs an’ finless dolphins … hikin’ across the Tundra for giraffes in need an’ malnourished goats — so gotta be Cancer.

Fam an’ friends an’ evry creature they feel belongs in their loop — alla these guys get cared for, protected an’ loved, like they are extra limbs or internal organs.

I so love that suprapersonal wellbein’ ethic Cancer got — a selflessness that is kinda almost benevolently vampiric.

But FFS, quit worryin’ willya?

So Amber’s hamster jus’ died an’ she is real upset, but it ain’t no reason for YOU to bawl 24/7 for a week an’ ring Amber evry five minutes to check she ain’t gonna kill herself or nuthin’.

Point is, carin’ comes natural to Cancer — but that don’t make it easy.

Havin’ deep concern for alla these people … an’ their pets … an’ misflappin’ doves in faraway nightmare regimes … is so drainin’.

Concern’ an’ care must jus’ look funny to those upon whom it is bestowed, I guess.

People say, “you don’t need to worry so much about me, sweetie.”

Oh, but Cancer does.

An’ if she stopped carin’ … an’ worryin’, evryone would feel the loss instantly.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Leo

Thing about Leo is how they are proud.

An’ rightly fuckin’ so.

They say — “here’s what I bring to the situation, along with plenty of positive attitude, and here are some things I done a while back that worked out real good.

What is so wrong in taking pride in being a positive person who deploys their skills with supreme generosity to bring about positive results for all?”

(An’ ifya want more on this Leo vibe, roll on over to HERE.)

I will tellya what is so wrong, Cap’n Pussypants.

You are so darn arrogant, you make me wanna puke.

Sun shines outta your ass, an’ nowan else is good enough — tellya, you’re jus’ flashy, showy, ME ME ME.

Dontchya know how offensive it is to the resta us you strut round the place believin’ you can jus’ show up an’ walk shit?

Tellya, that is real insensitive — an’ the only person you trooly are doin’ positive favors for is YOURSELF.

So, yeah — wherein lyeth the boundary between pride an’ arrogance?

Who decides?

Not you, you selfish fucker!

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Virgo

Gotta figure Virgo is real analytical.

Reason they are so smart, so independent, so practically sorted, is cos they realise life boils down to makin’ the best choices.

An’ by best, I am talkin’ a perpetually movin’ target no other sign nails quite so good.

Virgo sees practical pathways in all things, like evry decision boils down to DO I PRESS THE RED BUTTON OR THE BLUE BUTTON?

One is gonna save the day, one is gonna blowya up — an’ there is no waya knowin’ which is which … unlessya are superanalytical Virgo.

Virgo sees this problem most evryplace, an’ she is quick to choose the best button to press … an’ move on.

What a pernickety asshole!

What a fussy, do-gooder bitch queen!

Prolly people would not get so pissed off if Virgo were to limit her discriminatory acumen to yanno things.

But in Virgo’s grand & incisive scheme, things an’ people are not necessarily independenta one another.


Star Sign Quality Bummer — Libra

Why do we so love havin’ Libra around?

Gotta be that massively pumped-up diplomacy they got.

Tellya, you got a psychopath needs talkin’ down from doin’ sumthin’ real bad, pull in a Libran, tool ‘em up with a harmonica, an’ a potentially dangerous situation becomes a date at the movies & maybe pizza & afterwards mebbe I show you my chainsaw collection.

Librans smooth all rough edges, grow friendship outta animosity, build bridges where before there existed only the frosty aira antipathy.

Problem is, Libra is so fuckin’ indecisive.

They are that person holdin’ you up in the store can’t quite decide … should I go for the milk chocolate bunnies or the dark chocolate bunnies? … an’ they have been standin’ there for like TEN FRICKIN’ MINUTES gowin’ … milk chocolate bunnies? dark chocolate bunnies? milk chocolate bunnies? dark chocolate bunnies? milk chocolate bunnies? dark chocolate bunnies? … over an’ over an’ over.

Worst part?

They gotta check with the zillion an’ one fuckin’ psychopaths followin’ ‘em around cos they been too diplomatic to tell ‘em all to PISS OFF.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Scorpio

See, I figured it would be a kinda astro trope to pin down Scorpio as passionate, an’ I was gonna roll with intooitive instead — but scorpions are so frickin’ intense I figured they would lash my ass till all eternity if I made lighta their clear an’ present #1 star sign quality.

So, yeah — Scorpio is withya till the bitter end, be you person, project or belief.

An’ not jus’ in a slavish kinda way — Scorpio passion leads from the front.

It is troo, unequivocal, relentless … so intense, it gonna burn on throughya body an’ spirit, an’ scorch on — undiminished — outtaya asshole.

Thing about Scorpio is … ifya get the deal, an’ you are fully onside, an’ you wanna commit 100% to the ride, you got serious motivational sledgehammer firepower stuffs unmatched mostplace else in the Zodiac.

Any slight misunderstandings, momentary doubts, requests for 0.00001% slack downtime evry third November — an’ you got nuthin’ but srs pain comin’ atchya from outta Scorpio’s GUILT BAZOOKA.

When passion is evrythin’, or it is nuthin’— whooooosh! — this is hella too intense for a lotta people.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Sagittarius

Thing about Sagittarius is how they got such broad horizons.

They been plenty places, met up with all kindsa people, an’ reflected real deep on the chill.

That makes ‘em super filosophical — packin’ a broad rangea inputs an’ figurin’ beyond surface interest to wider perspectives mebbe shared by all mankind.

Beholdin’ this bigger picture, an’ seekin’ always to add depth to its panorama (the better to pull on revelations gonna benefit hoomanity), Sagittarius is forever hungry for knowledge an’ wisdom.

Sadly … also fulla shit.

You ever been crushed into the corner in sum bar by a Sagittarian proclaimin’ what is best forya, then you’ll know close up what a pain in the ass practical philosophy for evryone can be.

Jus’ gotta apologize if said Sagittarian was Moi.

tbh, I have given up dispensin’ wisdom in bars cos although what I got really CAN transform lives for anyone wantsta sit down an’ reflect on my stunningly erudite proclamations, most people jus’ wanna talk ‘bout politics, fashion & football … or ogle my titties.

So these days, I jus’ run out in the street, stripped to the waist, yellin’ shit at random…

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Capricorn

Want anythin’ fixed, go find a Capricorn.

Gonna costya, an’ you gotta persuade ‘em your project is worth their time, but if they say YES, whatchya wanna happen is as good as done.

Why so?

Cos Capricorn is super methodical.

For shit to work out, evrythin’ gotta be done right, an’ in the right order, preferably usin’ the best tools an’ resources to hand.

Think it through, plan it out, tool up an’ make it happen, typea thing.

For Capricorn, alla that motivation, dreamin’, wishin’ an’ resolootion don’t matter for shit less’n you can pull on the lever delivers precisely the resultya seek.

This methodical gift Capricorn got is a virtue fulla value beyond measure.

Also … the main reason why they are such a pain in the ass.

They turn even the most humdrum evryday activity into a military operation.

Hang out with a Capricorn an’ you cannot even randomly poop without bein’ given a fuckin’ lecture.

“The key thing to remember about peristalsis, particularly when it comes to trapped wind, is that the rectal sphincter receives a different kind of physioneural stimulus to when you are about to pass a regular bowel movement, so it’s important to think ahead and watch what you eat, particularly carbohydrate intake — of which there are many kinds, all with their own unique considerations to be borne in mind regarding diet and digestion…”

Tellya, when Cappy is on a Bark Instructions roll, I am more than happy to interpret anythin’ they command as an emergency diktat says I gotta poop in their fuckin’ face.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — Aquarius

Alla the keenest quotation meme apps tellya No Man Is An Island.

Forget for a sec how irritatin’ it is to discover mosta the quotations from before mebbe 1995 were so lame in the gender-generous department an’ consider how sooooooo untrue this observation is for most Aquarians.

Tellya, those guys’re so 100% island, they even got frickin’ moats.

Independent an’ totally self-sufficient across the whole hooman endeavor panorama — physical, mental, emotional, spirutyool, sekshoal etc — they are self-contained souls packin’ a higher kinda connection power.

Trooly, they are real people people, fulla genuine concern an’ heart for hoomanity at large.

Jus’ don’t ask ‘em to hang out too personal with like … people.

That would mean they gotta come down offa that invisible levitatin’ cloud they got, an’ quit bein’ so aloof.

It is troo Aquarians got real high minds, an’ mebbe even higher ideals, an’ they gonna go bust out on alla that shit even if evryone else on the planet makes with the spontaneous vaporization deal.

This is independence with an unnervingly alienatin’ feel, an aloofness says how they are considerably specialer beings than evryone else.


Star Sign Quality Bummer — Pisces

Evry Pisces is innately artistic.

Gotta remember here that don’t mean they are all painters cos FFS you ever seen summa their shitto paintings?

I am talkin’ ‘bout how they reside in the world on a metaphorical level, where illusions an’ dreams got voice an’ power gonna transform shit.

Wanna visionary onya team?

Hook up with a Pisces, an’ creativity’s exoticest ever embroidery shall adorn thy workaday panties, tellya

Pisces got a transcendent warmth spills out as compassion, a sixth sense links up all kindsa stuff nowan else can see.

Problem is, fishy types spend mosta their time either asleep on the couch or cunted on cocktails.

An’ when they ain’t spinnin’ visions gonna transform the planet, they are unrealistic an’ totally fuckin’ delooded.

Tellya, you are plannin’ anythin’ gonna actschwlly happen, leave Pisces outta the equation.

They are like that dealya got whenever you wanna buy noo heels.

Try the heels on in the store. Go order for half the price online.

So, yeah, go be inspired by Pisces … let her carry your dreams to a higher plane — then fix up a reality check an’ pull outta doin’ sumthin’ real stoopid.

Star Sign Quality Bummer — The Last Word

Jus’ wanna say, this is no comprehensive analysis I got here.

Neither is it entirely accurate … or even fair.

But I wantchya to figure on the most important message here an’ go draw practical wisdom from my expert cogitationals.

See cos alla the best star sign qualities I mentioned are kinda person-centered — virtues bustin’ outta alla the zodiac signs’ individual asses.

Mosta the negatives I mentioned are what happens when people don’t necessarily likeya show up on the scene an’ mess shit up by havin’ a pointa view boutchya mojo.

You get astrological mismatches squarin’ up to differentiate positive star sign quality from negative, an’ the whole value judgement schwango flies offa the scale.

Taurus meets up with Aquarius an’ for sure the bullish gal is real stubborn an’ the Aquarius guy real aloof.

Same goes for fickle Gemini an’ unrealistic Pisces.

(An’ I got more on this Astro Mismatch Deal as it relates to smoochie an’ romance HERE, btw.)

Point always to remember is how YOU are in full controlla your life, an’ you gotta aim always to fix up the best outta your positive traits, talents an’ abilities.

Only problem you got is how hoomankind is supergenerously multifaceted, an’ any grand statement you wanna make invites an inevitable nemesis or mass dissers.

That is whenya gotta decide what to do beyond natural effusin’.

Prolly that is where mosta the coolest life skills reside — howya temper whatchya got in the facea opposition or criticism.

Whatever … this weird Jekyll & Hyde effect is there for alla us, Aries to Pisces.

Same star sign quality, positive an’ negative, dependin’ on POV.

But don’t jus’ take my word for it — I am, after all, merely a filosophically fulla shit Sagittarian loudmouth don’t give a fuck whatchya think.

Go try it out … thought experiment … see if I am right.

Meantime — why not go checkya monthly horoscope?

It is an endeavor both funky an’ fun!

Title Image c/o Alexas-Fotos @ Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="3"></span> <span class="sdata" title="07, 2017"></span>

Alla Your Moon Sign Horoscopes Are Belong To Bats

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-28T12:25:03+00:00"></span>|Moon Signs, Mother Cosmosis, My Apartment, Savin' The Cosmos|0 Comments


‘Fraid so.

Li’l fuckers crept into my apartment overnight an’ made with the whole BIG TIME THEFT deal — an’ now lunar astrology is toast!

Thing is, when I first graduated from Astrology School, Mother Cosmosis took me to one side an’ warned me this might happen one day.

“Moon sign horoscopes are truly precious auguries,” she said, “and when you are composing them, your initial drafts must always be locked away securely from prying eyes.”

I laughed. “So the trick I pull shovin’ my passport under my panties won’t wash?”

“Indeed not. It’s so important that you guard your moon sign horoscopes with your life lest villains creep in at dead of night and steal them — or worse still, amend them with malign intent, thereby placing the Cosmos and all its inhabitants in terrible danger.”

So, hey — guess which total frickin’ ditz left her last batcha scopes under her bed las’ night?

You Lost The Moon Sign Horoscopes? You Asshole!

I got no excuse, but it has been a busy week for Moi, so lemme try explainin’— Cosmos gonna come crashin’ down on evryone next week, I figureya prolly deserve to know why.

Thing is, I got a call from my agent las’ Monday sayin’ how Portable Restroom Operator Magazine needed a celebrity astrologer for their monthly horoscope column.

“It would be a great opportunity for you,” said Sal (cos that is my agent’s name). “Only problem is they never heard of you.”

“That is the deal with true celebrity,” I replied. “Thinka alla those droids an’ weirdo aliens in Star Wars — the instantly recognizable ones like Jabba the Hutt, Yoda an’ C3P0. Now ask yourself who the fuck are those guys? Tellya, true celebrity demands mystique.”

“Quit being a smartass. You know exactly what I mean — and I figure you could use the money right now. Don’t ask me why, but the portable restroom people want to start with moon signs. Deadline is next Tuesday. Can you fix that?”

“Sure,” I said — then totally forgot about shit till las’ night, mostly cos I was busy scryin’ the heavens for my own regular monthly horoscopes … an’ scrapin this Jamie Oliver monkfish curry offa my kitchen wall after the fucker exploded.

Las’ night was the first chance I got to write stuff out — an’ by 2am my tequila fuel had kinda knocked me out, an’ alla my half-written portable restroom inspired moon sign horoscopes musta slipped offa the bed.

Next thing I know, it is 9am an’ my entire apartment is splattered with frickin’ guano — an’ alla my scopes have vanished.

Surely You Had A Moon Sign Horoscopes Emergency Backup Plan?

Not exactly.

I tried summonin’ Mother Cosmosis on my crystal ball, but I got a problem with the touchscreen right now.

Jus’ won’t frickin’ swipe.

That left either Google or the dog-eared Medieval Miscellany Encyclopaedia I had since I was 6.

Natchrly, it was no contest…

Accordin’ to my encyclopaedia, witches in the Yookay were regularly stalked by bats lookin’ for arcane secrets.

Turns out the reason Henry VIII shut down alla the monasteries had nuthin’ to do with religion an’ everythin’ to do with destroyin’ prime bat territory.

Trash the bats’ most sought-after rafters an’ you got fewer winged critters flyin’ around stealin’ secrets offa witches an’ subsequently wreakin’ mayhem on hamlets an’ castles.

Anyways, point is, the bats ain’t quit on the deal, even though it is 2017 an’ mosta the world’s superexotic esoterica is freely available on the dark web an’ alla the witches have moved on to girl bands an’ porno.

Jus’ my luck, I guess, but las’ night those darn bats came lookin’ for Moi.

An’ now evry las’ membera the hooman race — an’ evry livin’ creature in the Cosmos — is threatened with imminent extinction.

Tellya, those bats amend what I wrote out, an’ their misappropriationa celestial forces an’ energies gonna tear reality apart.

Thankfully there is a solution!

But I am gonna need sum help, K?

Princess Balestra’s Moon Sign Astrology Bat Emergency Solution

If we can assemble 12 select bats — one for each signa the Zodiac — an’ bind ‘em (not with magic or anythin’ cos that is jus’ weird, I was thinkin’ morea usin’ duct tape) then we can reverse anythin’ calamitous they done.

So we need an Aries bat, a Taurus bat — an’ so on, alla the way through to Pisces.

But cos this whole frickin’ disaster centers on moon sign horoscopes, we are lookin’ at moon signs ‘steada Sun signs for these guys,

Y’all gonna help out, you gotta knowya bats — an’ also your astrology.

So here is my handy guide for spottin’ the fuckers, moon sign by moon sign.

Your mission is a simple one.

Get out there an’ round ‘em up, peoples.

Dig out a net an’ go huntin!

Alert evryoneya know.

Twitter. Instagram. Snapchat. Facebook.

Or mebbe even jus’ go visit ‘em in the actual frickin’ flesh for once.

Take photos an’ capture spirityool batty essences.

Then sendya pix to Moi via my contact portal here.

I’ll fix evrythin’ from there, nail this emergency real good.

Right now, here’s what to look for…

Bat Identification By Moon Sign — Your Definitive Guide

Aries — Feisty flapper. Flies into windows. Rarely seen in colonies (that is the bat word for herd or bunch btw). Difficult to tame. Noisy. Will chase motorcycles down the freeway an’ play Russian roulette wingin’ between the wheels. Loves bitin’ shit an’ drawin’ blood.

Taurus — So frickin’ lame it rarely flies an’ cannot be assed to hang upside down. Sleeps on the floor in a heap. Compulsive masturbator. Real soft fur. Reacts abominably when bombarded by flash photography. Can consoom twice its own body weight in candy.

Gemini — Flits so erratically no mathematical formula can define its flight path. Zero sonar capability cos it always got headphones on. Loves shittin’ on people an’ hidin’. Occasionally advertizes lingerie on its wings. Real twitchy. Boss-eyed specimens common.

Cancer — Teaches its young aikido an’ other passive self-defense strategies. Flies sideways. Rolls itself into a ball for protection if attacked. Unusual rangea facial expressions for a flyin’ rodent-beest. Prefers its worms heated up. Confirmed wet dreamer.

Leo — This is the bat lands inya hair. Understands the cinematic powera silhouettes. Mastera the surprise entrance. Larger specimens can suck up spaghetti through their nostrils. Not especially covert for a nocturnal creature. Dangerous if cornered.

Virgo — Statistically more likely to be tagged by environmental scientists — typically in Latin. Always flies straight, but hangs upside down at a jaunty angle jus’ to be different. Licks fur constantly. Spooks cats for experimental purposes. Can count to 1.

Libra — 100% unscary. Regular contributor to Hollywood movies cos it adores make-up an’ costooms. Wide wingspan for its species. Highly sensitive sonar. Will never eat a baby frog. Sleeps with both eyes open. Unusually exotic arterial patterns on wings. Never farts.

Scorpio — Milks the vampire myth for strategic effect. Terrifies insects with sophisticated extortion rackets. Limited telepathy. Real leathery wings. Stands in for ravens at funerals if there are egg sandwiches an’ cocktail sausages. Fully understands its Omen Potential.

Sagittarius — Often seen ridin’ weasels. Never seen inside a bat box. Fountainous pisser. Shows up anyplace — desert, tundra, fuckin’ Moon. Wings often look glued on for a joke. Sumtimes hangs out with birds. Frequently electrocuted by accident. Certified hazard.

Capricorn — Basic nest-buildin’ talents. Kinda ugly lookin’. Hates hooman contact. Prefers to hang out in taller buildings. Flies long distances to follow Libra bats so it can gobble baby frogs. Unusually amorous when it finds a mate — which is typically never.

Aquarius — Believes itself to be a fruitbat, whatever. Folds wings into Origami dragons when nowan is lookin’. Assymmetric claws. Long hair common. Crash lands in soup or beer on a whim. Fucks hairbrushes. Has a thing for toothpaste. Fears spiders.

Pisces — Loves gettin’ lost in the fog. Would prolly fly into a warship’s path to save a dolphin. Attracted to syrup. More curvaceous than scrawny. Mimics cellphone tones at will. Above average radioactivity levels. Loves lickin’ sleepin’ babies.

Let’s Save The Cosmos!

So thereya have it — my best shot at a plan for savin’ the Cosmos.

Nets at the ready, evrywan!

An’ be sureta keep the worldwide astrology community up to speed with any sightings by usin’ the #balestrabats hashtag on Twitter & elsewhere like it was sum incantation gonna flesh outya dick or boobies all ultra delicious (or, ifya already got neat lookin’ or meaty tinglydanglies, manifest $500 in online gamin’ vouchers or coupons to blast on seductive undergarments).

Meantime, you want more Zodiac-themed blog posts, why not go check out tombstones an’ bras?

If we are all still here by next weekend, mebbe make time also for FUCK OFF — my most inspirational an’ motivational blog post evah.

Gonna go dig out a matchin’ pith helmet & telescope set offa Ebay.

Let the moon sign bat hunt commence!

Title Image c/o Alexas Fotos @Pixabay.

Spread the love, slip in the bookmark, mix up the linky.

<span class="sdata" title="10"></span> <span class="sdata" title="04, 2017"></span>

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-10T04:31:08+00:00"></span>|Astro Checklist, Mother Cosmosis, Practical Astrology, Scopes|0 Comments


One question people often ask me — in my capacity as astrologer person maxin’ out on celestial wisdom kudos — is do you have any handy tips for getting the most out of reading your horoscope, I dunno, like some kind of horoscope checklist?

Answer to that is an easy one.

“Sure,” I say, flushin’ my smile fulla the easy swankiness often seen in electrical stores where the trained electrical store person is sellin’ a monster TV to sum total fuckin’halfwit, “when Mother Cosmosis first anointed my chart preparation paraphernalia with her special magicks, she passed on to me a 10-point hit list fulla hints an’ tips for what she termed horoscope readin’ etiquette, but which I simply refer to as a horoscope checklist — an’ for your information, I got this pinned up on the bookcase next to my readin’ chair so I never forget to follow through its 10-step plan, either while I am readin’ my own ‘scope or (more importantly) fixin’ up regular monthly horoscopes for the resta hoomanity.”

Thing is, we are livin’ in way difficult times, O sweet observera wonders.

Too many world leaders’re plain assholes, too many people suffer needlessly, an’ evry timeya go see a noo Marvel movie, you gotta deal with that real mean naggin’ sensation says what happens when the old guy with the glasses an’ mustache don’t figure no more in the quirky cameos?

So I wanna share what I got.

For free. For nuthin’. For you.

An’ I wantchya to know I am gowin’ out on a limb here by revealin’ these horoscope checklist secrets…

A Lesson From History (Albeit One I Ain’t Mebbe Learned Too Good)

Prolly you never hearda Vincent de Chabrier, but I gotta tellya he got stiffed back in France roundabout 1760-sumthin’.

Similar deal to Moi right now, I guess — he got a hand-embroidered Les Etoiles Comme Bassins De Lit napkin bestowed on him by M.C. which he turned over to the citizensa Lyon.

(Actschly, rumor has it that he wiped his ass on it after hittin’ the wine real hard one weekend, an’ the decision to offer his astrological relic up to the public maya had more to do with shame than generosity, but that is how it goes with history, I guess. Mostly rumor.)

Thing is, Mother Cosmosis got real angry with him, an’ she swooped down from behind Plooto (where she was fixin’ it up, ready for its eventual discovery in 1930) an’ spanked his ass so hard he was unable to wear any kinda pants for a whole frickin’ month.

I could be in biiiiiig trouble here for what I am about to do, tellya — an’ I wantchya to know that asya read on in the spirita gratitood…

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist — How This Works

Deal is, you got a 10-point plan here pretty much constitoots the ultimate HOW TO guide for readin’ your horoscope.

Such things’re not to be taken lightly, an’ I gotta tellya, ifya follow these steps through to the letter, you gonna derive max possible benefit fromya horoscopes evry timeya read ‘em.

Wanna surefire way to hit on a smoother augury?

K, so here it is — all powered up by the very latest Apply as you Scrytm technology!

My Mother Cosmosis original won’t photocopy cos it is hand-weaved from super delicate ethereal wispofibers, so I deployed my very best artistic talents to generate an ultra handy infographic forya phone or tab you can kinda whip out real easy whenya wanna augury on down withya own personal Zodiac consultation rompo.

Oh, an’ Les Etoiles Comme Bassins De Lit is French for ‘The Stars As Bedpans’, btw.

horoscope checklist infographic helps everyone whatever their starsign

You can save this image, but I gotta tellya it is gonna read like it been licked by a frickin’ dog.

So mebbe download the swanky pdf file for max visyool pleasure.

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist — What To Do Next

Gonna giveya the same advice I offered sum professional Tapir hoof swallower consulted me las’ week.

With any kinda plan, there is no subsitoot for puttin’ shit into action immediately.

So get my handy 10-Point Horoscope Checklist downloaded onto your phone or tab an’ go checkya horoscope.

I figure mostaya are no professional Tapir hoof swallower gonna choke half to death (his fault, not mine). so you can go crazy with the NOW! NOW! NOW! zest, K?

An’ if you figure my counsel on this score is cool, my 5-step Spring Fever Cures All Plan would jus’ LOVE to get sweet withya mind, body, spirit, mojo an MORE!

That sound like a deal?

Title Image c/o Steve Buissinne @ Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="3"></span> <span class="sdata" title="04, 2017"></span>

Why Is My Horoscope All Weird?

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-10T04:24:28+00:00"></span>|Choice, Cosmic Roolz, Scopes|0 Comments


More to the point — why is my horoscope all weird right now?

I mean, c’mon — sumthin’ crazysnakes is clearly gowin’ down in the celestial vapors, palpable as a bug-eyed fly makin’ with a waterboardin’-style plip plip plip as it dips its mandibular feelo-suckers in runny cheese.

Don’t haveta read a word; you can feel this vibe so close up an’ personal it is likeya are gonna birth Cthuloid triplets.

But before I don my Astro-apparela Consummate Stargazy Expertise an’ answer the more specific question, lemme fix on sum general basics gonna beef upya Horoscope Awareness Talents.

Why Is My Horoscope All Weird? Prolly Cos I Am All Weird.

Libra excepted, this is almost always never true.

You may act on your horoscope, but inflooencin’ it is a harder trickta pull — unlessya are an astrologist or astrologer or astrolodjinni person, in which case you got sum control cos Mother Cosmosis grantsya special permission to write out the magic words.

Thinka what would happen if mebbe Leo got inflooential Weirdo Power over her daily ‘scopes.

An’ I am thinkin’ ‘bout Shaney Skelangro here — yanno, the gal from Maine with the goofy teeth an’ zero control over her Crush Squee Siren?

Yeah, that Shaney.

So she is sittin’ in her room with her (frankly stoopid lookin’) dog, an’ she reads romance is in the air for you, Leo, so go breathe it in with pranayama verve and expect love to come knocking!

Forget for a sec that Shaney is a geeky kinda gal an’ would never practise Yoga less’n she got abducted by mindful aliens checkin’ hoomanity for physical bendiness.

Point is, prolly her dog gonna flee downstairs at this point as decidedly non-yogic (an’ essentially weirsdily habityool) squee breaths fire offa her lungs with such ballistic venom she is gonna need a frickin’ ribcage replacement by the agea 24 if’n she don’t sort herself out on the love thang.

(An’ for more on the love thang, check out how astro compatibility got isshoos here an’ replay Valentine’s Day here to figure how eacha the signs figures in the Romance & Eromance departiemente.)

Gotta figure that readin’ your horoscope indicates you got sum kinda desire for self-improvement, most likely based on evidence your life currently sucks, so that last parta the ‘scope is really gonna set Shaney’s pulse racin’ — hence the hyperventilational gymnastics.

Love knocks, an’ physiological wappocraft kicks off — in that order — an’ when Shaney re-reads the breathin’ to blendyjuicy narrative suggested by the ‘scope, her immediate experience (dog has now slashed its throat outta pure terror btw) kinda says this horoscope is all weird because I am all weird.


By the enda the week, when Quentinola de Prescioquincunschwangoglossen drops career recieves a boost today as flirty Mercury hooks up with charming Venus, Shaney’s funeral is greeted by fam and friends alike as ‘the outcome of desperate plea to find true love in a harsh and cruel world that mysteriously coincided with the frenzied decapitation of her beloved Schnauzer Legolas at the hands of the family breadknife’.

So is your horoscope all weird because you are all weird?

Trust me — you do not wanna go there.

Why Is my Horoscope All Weird? Prolly Cos Evrythin Is All Weird.

Stoopid thing is, that sounds pretty accurate to Moi.

Assoomin’ evrythin’ includes alla the planets whose intertwinklin’ is responsible for alla the celestialvapor-swishin’ zodiacal action allows gifted astrologer persons to formulate horoscopes in the first place, then if an astrological entity like The Moon forms a significant aspect with, say, Mars, while elsewhere in the orbital dance routine Joopiter hits real subtle on Pluto with a once-in-a-generation aspect got more syllables to its name than Scorpio can down cocktails in an hour an’ still stay standin’, then this specific (nay, weird) celestial combo is precisely the raw material gonna fuel horoscopes for eacha the signs.

Or from where else is alla the astrological schwango derived?

Catch here is how EVRYTHIN’ (weird or no) can inflooenceya HOROSCOPE (weird or no) — an’ yet YOU (sum small parta evrythin’) (an’ most certainly weird as batshit in my book if you are hangin’ out with Moi) CANNOT.

Do not ask me to resolve this thorny issue right now.

I am not a frickin’ botanist.

Why Is My Horoscope All Weird? Prolly Cos Life Itself Is All Weird.

I like this very much.

It is organic an’ fluid — indicativea heart, passion an’ mutual adventurepops.

Gotta figure most people look upon their horoscope as a kinda touchstone momentarily reconnectin’ ‘em with values, feelings an’ aspirations they hold dear.

Sajjo jus’ loves readin’Sajjo stuff, I guess — same as resta the Zodiac drills down on their superpersonal 8.3%a the astro action.

Sure, we got other stuff also, like favo shoes, places we like to go, structurally bizarre lizards we keep under the bed an’ get out at night when we cannot sleep (Shaney Skelangro’s bestie does this, btw), but where shit goes wrong is when people confuse considered prediction with certainty an’ view their horoscope as a script or instruction manual steada the producta sum drunken harridan a kinda landscape or blenda zeitgeists/potentialities — or jus’ a plain ol’ selectiona stuffya might wanna consider today.

Truth is, astrology got no more claim on the fyooture than money guys gamblin’ on their assets, politicians advocatin’ values, an’ anyone bettin’ thousandsa dollars on the boxer with the biggest dick.

Eacha these predictive disciplines got past form gonna inform — but it is only partial.

Jus’ cos astrology takes in’ evrythin’ don’t mean it is the final word on anythin’.

I do not like any kinda situation where EVRYTHIN’ may inflooence or control US, but we don’t get to reciprocate.

Enter into such an arrangement wilfully, then I figure you are fuckin’ stoopid.

So I would want horoscopes always to be touchstones.

Small an’ illoominatingly regular skips through time an’ space upon which you might wanna reflect so you can better effect changesya wanna see.

You are cast in all kindsa ways — butya are also FREE.

Think I said sumthin’ about this starta 2017 when I considered what it might mean to be resolved whenya desire for change comes up rough against … ulp … evrythin’.

Why Is My Horoscope All Weird Right Now?

Becauseya are not alone.

History shows how the world evolves through successionsa definable epochs.

Problem is, whenya are dumped right in the middlea one as it is playin’ out, day-to-day speculation wins out over proclamatory epochulation.

Truth is, we trooly DO NOT KNOW what is emergin’right now, an’ until science fits us all up with time-warpin’ cyberboobies, gotta figure our lives’re so brief we cannot revisit earlier times an’ look for clues gonna help us (beyond mebbe bonin’ up on shit don’t come offa the internets).

Drillin’ down smaller, you mebbe got sumthin’ to work with — an’ that is why I run regular monthly horoscopes.

Once evry 30 days, you can drop on by an’ touch base with sum small fragmenta the Cosmos’s divine wonder as manifested in 300 wordsa incandescently profound garbage.

(I am quotin’ my beta reader here.  Do not blame me for any praise currently orbitin’ Moi.)

Thing is, you seen April before, you got feelings for her, an’ despite only 11 months passin’ sinceya las’ met up an’ hung out, she cannot be relied upon to be exactly the same.

There is noo stuff, there is always noo stuff — besta all there is noo stuffya made for yourself.

As a free agent inflooenced by EVRYTHIN’, no less!

Natcho, you want this freedom to continue, an’ your horoscope figures alongside alla the other stuffya got gowin’ down inya life narrative armory, but April 2017 got a planetary showdown gowin’ on kinda makes consultin’ your horoscope touchstone almost DANGEROUS.

The heavens blaze with ardent an’ impassioned FIRE — not the warmin’ Leo kind nor the inspirational Sajjo variety, no no no we are talkin’ the weaponized, carbonizin’ Aries kind — while the people-friendly sweetheart planets  — Venus an’ Joopiter — play dirty c/o retrograde energy sickness alongside THE REAL FUCKIN’ MONSTERS — Mercury, Saturn an’ Plooto — havin’ a MUTUAL BAD HAIR DAY GROUCH FEST an’ seekin’ only to DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY!

Easily irritated Arian violence meets a quintuple cuntfesta SMOTHER, SWAT, STIFLE, STING an’ STUFF HARD UP THE POOPER.

Sadly, that is not weird — it is the truth.

So, yeah — “Horoscope All Weird” prolly sums up where shit is at right now for most evryone.

But what else d’ya want?

Horoscope All Same Old Same Old — Exactly As It Was When My Dear Grandaddy’s Gandaddy’s Grandaddy Consulted HIS Horoscope Touchstone And Smiled With Duped Contentment That The Cosmos Existed In Such Near-Permanent Stasis He Went Round And Round And Round And Round And Round And Round And Round And Round In The Same Old Circles Till His Teeth Fell Out And He FUCKIN’ DIED?

C’mon — I am tryin’ to saveya here.

Title Image c/o Steve Buissinne @ Pixabay

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