WHAT’S YOUR BEST STAR SIGN QUALITY?
What’s your best star sign quality?
I mean really?
Think for a sec ‘bout your most redeemin’ astro attribute — yanno, the one word sumsya up to perfection.
I’m talkin’ here about that one killer quality leaps outta evry horoscope or Zodiac summary an’ makesya scream That Is So Me! That Is So Me! That Is So Me!
Evryone got one such star sign quality, Aries to Pisces.
Evryone loves their bestest plus point, evryone revels in its glow, evryone proudly proclaims their #1 personal attribute as THE REASON for their success an’ total dinkiness in all areasa life — from love to luck to money.
But you wanna know what is weird?
(Cos you been around the block enough times to know astrology is totally fuckin’ lame sumtimes?)
Round back on the other sidea the astro equation you are packin’another star sign quality that is mebbe not so good.
Actschlly, this personality feature is more like a no-holds-barred bummer — sumthin’ real bad, sumthin’ real negative, sumthin’ you would never willingly choose to be onya personal team if’n appeared on a lista options handed out by an angel.
An’ you wanna know what is even weirder?
Your best killer star sign quality an’ your most negative star sign quality are THE SAME FUCKIN’ THING.
Yeah, yeah — I know.
It is crazy. It is lame. It is nuts.
But, hey, listen — I am merely a talented astrologer extraordinaire playin’ conduit for this depressin’ nooz, so plz do not blame Moi for the horrifically cruel naturea the Cosmos.
It’s jus’ how it is, K?
My role here is strictly spillsybeansy.
So lemme talkya through this bizarre astro bummer, star sign by star sign, see if I can make sum sensea celestial energies gone batshit.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Aries
Gotta figure Aries is ambitious.
You got sumthin’ outta reach — always — that is so frickin’ cool an’ smart you gotta have it.
You got big ideas, big desires, big yearnin’ needs — an’ alla the firepower gonna make sureya get it.
Who would not admire ambition — the burnin’ passion for improvement an’ advance an’ progress?
In all things?
From better ways to protect the environment to lacier underwear to adornya tinglydanglies?
I’ll tellya who don’t admire ambition — alla the people picked up on howya are so aggressive.
Cos ambition is not like lyin’ around in the Sun, right?
Kinda … sun appears, you throw on a bikini, you lie down, typea thing.
Nah — for ambition to work, you gotta overcome obstacles.
An’ summa those obstacles are people — or the fruitsa their labors.
These people only admire ambition when it is their own!
You try ambition with those suckers, they gonna say you are pushy.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Taurus
I know how it goes with you guys.
Thereya are, bumblin’ along all moosy cowsy in a touchy feely kinda vibe, daisy pokin’ fromya lips an’ a buncha pies inya knapsack, when suddenly your eyes alight on the word TENACIOUS.
Yeah, cos that is so YOU, right?
Stickin’ it out where fainter hearts give up, stayin’ on task long beyond the calla duty, seein’ shit through to the last.
Tellya, you are such a stubborn cunt.
What is it with you anyhow?
Why’dya haveta dig in alla the time an’ be so goddamn awkward?
Gotta love a red rag to a bull, I guess.
People say, “we keep reminding plodsy ol’ Taurus how stubborn they are, for sure they will get sick of our nagging and give up.”
Ha! Like that is ever gonna happen.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Gemini
I would wanna focus on flirty.
Kinda tricky, I know, cos flirty don’t stay still long enough to get fixed by a single eyeball, let alone a co-ordinated pair.
It is like pickin’ out a lone gnat in a cloud an’ stayin’ with it as it buzzes around at random.
Tellya, the Gemini flirty deal is so appealin’cos it merges the twinned cerebral fancya investigation an’ curiosity with performance allure.
But unlike Virgo’s measured experimentin’ an’ Leo’s rehearsed showpersonship, Gemini’s flightiness extends superdeep inside.
In essence, Gemini’s flirty freedoms blossom from uncertainty.
It is a positive uncertainty, for sure — but it is also fickle.
How excitin’ and desirable can all these flightsa fancy be if they are not keepers?
Perhaps Gemini is the true custodiana the moment — Time’s eternal improviser an’ lovera all things.
Or mebbe Gemini is jus’ what evryone says — a jumpy, fickle ditz.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Cancer
C is for Cancer, C is for carin’.
Tellya, that person inya life always collectin’ for whales or blind people … organisin’ charity stuff for bankrupt celebs an’ finless dolphins … hikin’ across the Tundra for giraffes in need an’ malnourished goats — so gotta be Cancer.
Fam an’ friends an’ evry creature they feel belongs in their loop — alla these guys get cared for, protected an’ loved, like they are extra limbs or internal organs.
I so love that suprapersonal wellbein’ ethic Cancer got — a selflessness that is kinda almost benevolently vampiric.
But FFS, quit worryin’ willya?
So Amber’s hamster jus’ died an’ she is real upset, but it ain’t no reason for YOU to bawl 24/7 for a week an’ ring Amber evry five minutes to check she ain’t gonna kill herself or nuthin’.
Point is, carin’ comes natural to Cancer — but that don’t make it easy.
Havin’ deep concern for alla these people … an’ their pets … an’ misflappin’ doves in faraway nightmare regimes … is so drainin’.
Concern’ an’ care must jus’ look funny to those upon whom it is bestowed, I guess.
People say, “you don’t need to worry so much about me, sweetie.”
Oh, but Cancer does.
An’ if she stopped carin’ … an’ worryin’, evryone would feel the loss instantly.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Leo
Thing about Leo is how they are proud.
An’ rightly fuckin’ so.
They say — “here’s what I bring to the situation, along with plenty of positive attitude, and here are some things I done a while back that worked out real good.
What is so wrong in taking pride in being a positive person who deploys their skills with supreme generosity to bring about positive results for all?”
(An’ ifya want more on this Leo vibe, roll on over to HERE.)
I will tellya what is so wrong, Cap’n Pussypants.
You are so darn arrogant, you make me wanna puke.
Sun shines outta your ass, an’ nowan else is good enough — tellya, you’re jus’ flashy, showy, ME ME ME.
Dontchya know how offensive it is to the resta us you strut round the place believin’ you can jus’ show up an’ walk shit?
Tellya, that is real insensitive — an’ the only person you trooly are doin’ positive favors for is YOURSELF.
So, yeah — wherein lyeth the boundary between pride an’ arrogance?
Not you, you selfish fucker!
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Virgo
Gotta figure Virgo is real analytical.
Reason they are so smart, so independent, so practically sorted, is cos they realise life boils down to makin’ the best choices.
An’ by best, I am talkin’ a perpetually movin’ target no other sign nails quite so good.
Virgo sees practical pathways in all things, like evry decision boils down to DO I PRESS THE RED BUTTON OR THE BLUE BUTTON?
One is gonna save the day, one is gonna blowya up — an’ there is no waya knowin’ which is which … unlessya are superanalytical Virgo.
Virgo sees this problem most evryplace, an’ she is quick to choose the best button to press … an’ move on.
What a pernickety asshole!
What a fussy, do-gooder bitch queen!
Prolly people would not get so pissed off if Virgo were to limit her discriminatory acumen to yanno things.
But in Virgo’s grand & incisive scheme, things an’ people are not necessarily independenta one another.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Libra
Why do we so love havin’ Libra around?
Gotta be that massively pumped-up diplomacy they got.
Tellya, you got a psychopath needs talkin’ down from doin’ sumthin’ real bad, pull in a Libran, tool ‘em up with a harmonica, an’ a potentially dangerous situation becomes a date at the movies & maybe pizza & afterwards mebbe I show you my chainsaw collection.
Librans smooth all rough edges, grow friendship outta animosity, build bridges where before there existed only the frosty aira antipathy.
Problem is, Libra is so fuckin’ indecisive.
They are that person holdin’ you up in the store can’t quite decide … should I go for the milk chocolate bunnies or the dark chocolate bunnies? … an’ they have been standin’ there for like TEN FRICKIN’ MINUTES gowin’ … milk chocolate bunnies? … dark chocolate bunnies? … milk chocolate bunnies? … dark chocolate bunnies? … milk chocolate bunnies? … dark chocolate bunnies? … over an’ over an’ over.
They gotta check with the zillion an’ one fuckin’ psychopaths followin’ ‘em around cos they been too diplomatic to tell ‘em all to PISS OFF.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Scorpio
See, I figured it would be a kinda astro trope to pin down Scorpio as passionate, an’ I was gonna roll with intooitive instead — but scorpions are so frickin’ intense I figured they would lash my ass till all eternity if I made lighta their clear an’ present #1 star sign quality.
So, yeah — Scorpio is withya till the bitter end, be you person, project or belief.
An’ not jus’ in a slavish kinda way — Scorpio passion leads from the front.
It is troo, unequivocal, relentless … so intense, it gonna burn on throughya body an’ spirit, an’ scorch on — undiminished — outtaya asshole.
Thing about Scorpio is … ifya get the deal, an’ you are fully onside, an’ you wanna commit 100% to the ride, you got serious motivational sledgehammer firepower stuffs unmatched mostplace else in the Zodiac.
Any slight misunderstandings, momentary doubts, requests for 0.00001% slack downtime evry third November — an’ you got nuthin’ but srs pain comin’ atchya from outta Scorpio’s GUILT BAZOOKA.
When passion is evrythin’, or it is nuthin’— whooooosh! — this is hella too intense for a lotta people.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Sagittarius
Thing about Sagittarius is how they got such broad horizons.
They been plenty places, met up with all kindsa people, an’ reflected real deep on the chill.
That makes ‘em super filosophical — packin’ a broad rangea inputs an’ figurin’ beyond surface interest to wider perspectives mebbe shared by all mankind.
Beholdin’ this bigger picture, an’ seekin’ always to add depth to its panorama (the better to pull on revelations gonna benefit hoomanity), Sagittarius is forever hungry for knowledge an’ wisdom.
Sadly … also fulla shit.
You ever been crushed into the corner in sum bar by a Sagittarian proclaimin’ what is best forya, then you’ll know close up what a pain in the ass practical philosophy for evryone can be.
Jus’ gotta apologize if said Sagittarian was Moi.
tbh, I have given up dispensin’ wisdom in bars cos although what I got really CAN transform lives for anyone wantsta sit down an’ reflect on my stunningly erudite proclamations, most people jus’ wanna talk ‘bout politics, fashion & football … or ogle my titties.
So these days, I jus’ run out in the street, stripped to the waist, yellin’ shit at random…
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Capricorn
Want anythin’ fixed, go find a Capricorn.
Gonna costya, an’ you gotta persuade ‘em your project is worth their time, but if they say YES, whatchya wanna happen is as good as done.
Cos Capricorn is super methodical.
For shit to work out, evrythin’ gotta be done right, an’ in the right order, preferably usin’ the best tools an’ resources to hand.
Think it through, plan it out, tool up an’ make it happen, typea thing.
For Capricorn, alla that motivation, dreamin’, wishin’ an’ resolootion don’t matter for shit less’n you can pull on the lever delivers precisely the resultya seek.
This methodical gift Capricorn got is a virtue fulla value beyond measure.
Also … the main reason why they are such a pain in the ass.
They turn even the most humdrum evryday activity into a military operation.
Hang out with a Capricorn an’ you cannot even randomly poop without bein’ given a fuckin’ lecture.
“The key thing to remember about peristalsis, particularly when it comes to trapped wind, is that the rectal sphincter receives a different kind of physioneural stimulus to when you are about to pass a regular bowel movement, so it’s important to think ahead and watch what you eat, particularly carbohydrate intake — of which there are many kinds, all with their own unique considerations to be borne in mind regarding diet and digestion…”
Tellya, when Cappy is on a Bark Instructions roll, I am more than happy to interpret anythin’ they command as an emergency diktat says I gotta poop in their fuckin’ face.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Aquarius
Alla the keenest quotation meme apps tellya No Man Is An Island.
Forget for a sec how irritatin’ it is to discover mosta the quotations from before mebbe 1995 were so lame in the gender-generous department an’ consider how sooooooo untrue this observation is for most Aquarians.
Tellya, those guys’re so 100% island, they even got frickin’ moats.
Independent an’ totally self-sufficient across the whole hooman endeavor panorama — physical, mental, emotional, spirutyool, sekshoal etc — they are self-contained souls packin’ a higher kinda connection power.
Trooly, they are real people people, fulla genuine concern an’ heart for hoomanity at large.
Jus’ don’t ask ‘em to hang out too personal with like … people.
That would mean they gotta come down offa that invisible levitatin’ cloud they got, an’ quit bein’ so aloof.
It is troo Aquarians got real high minds, an’ mebbe even higher ideals, an’ they gonna go bust out on alla that shit even if evryone else on the planet makes with the spontaneous vaporization deal.
This is independence with an unnervingly alienatin’ feel, an aloofness says how they are considerably specialer beings than evryone else.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — Pisces
Evry Pisces is innately artistic.
Gotta remember here that don’t mean they are all painters cos FFS you ever seen summa their shitto paintings?
I am talkin’ ‘bout how they reside in the world on a metaphorical level, where illusions an’ dreams got voice an’ power gonna transform shit.
Wanna visionary onya team?
Hook up with a Pisces, an’ creativity’s exoticest ever embroidery shall adorn thy workaday panties, tellya
Pisces got a transcendent warmth spills out as compassion, a sixth sense links up all kindsa stuff nowan else can see.
Problem is, fishy types spend mosta their time either asleep on the couch or cunted on cocktails.
An’ when they ain’t spinnin’ visions gonna transform the planet, they are unrealistic an’ totally fuckin’ delooded.
Tellya, you are plannin’ anythin’ gonna actschwlly happen, leave Pisces outta the equation.
They are like that dealya got whenever you wanna buy noo heels.
Try the heels on in the store. Go order for half the price online.
So, yeah, go be inspired by Pisces … let her carry your dreams to a higher plane — then fix up a reality check an’ pull outta doin’ sumthin’ real stoopid.
Star Sign Quality Bummer — The Last Word
Jus’ wanna say, this is no comprehensive analysis I got here.
Neither is it entirely accurate … or even fair.
But I wantchya to figure on the most important message here an’ go draw practical wisdom from my expert cogitationals.
See cos alla the best star sign qualities I mentioned are kinda person-centered — virtues bustin’ outta alla the zodiac signs’ individual asses.
Mosta the negatives I mentioned are what happens when people don’t necessarily likeya show up on the scene an’ mess shit up by havin’ a pointa view boutchya mojo.
You get astrological mismatches squarin’ up to differentiate positive star sign quality from negative, an’ the whole value judgement schwango flies offa the scale.
Taurus meets up with Aquarius an’ for sure the bullish gal is real stubborn an’ the Aquarius guy real aloof.
Same goes for fickle Gemini an’ unrealistic Pisces.
(An’ I got more on this Astro Mismatch Deal as it relates to smoochie an’ romance HERE, btw.)
Point always to remember is how YOU are in full controlla your life, an’ you gotta aim always to fix up the best outta your positive traits, talents an’ abilities.
Only problem you got is how hoomankind is supergenerously multifaceted, an’ any grand statement you wanna make invites an inevitable nemesis or mass dissers.
That is whenya gotta decide what to do beyond natural effusin’.
Prolly that is where mosta the coolest life skills reside — howya temper whatchya got in the facea opposition or criticism.
Whatever … this weird Jekyll & Hyde effect is there for alla us, Aries to Pisces.
Same star sign quality, positive an’ negative, dependin’ on POV.
But don’t jus’ take my word for it — I am, after all, merely a filosophically fulla shit Sagittarian loudmouth don’t give a fuck whatchya think.
Go try it out … thought experiment … see if I am right.
Meantime — why not go checkya monthly horoscope?
It is an endeavor both funky an’ fun!
Title Image c/o Alexas-Fotos @ Pixabay
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