<span class="sdata" title="18"></span> <span class="sdata" title="09, 2017"></span>

Autumn Equinox Rituals — Your Complete Guide

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2017-09-17T14:35:55+00:00"></span>|Autumn Equinox, Mother Cosmosis, Practical Astrology|0 Comments


Gotta be honest here, but trad Autumn Equinox rituals kinda piss me off big time.

It is not that I am no astro heretic or nuthin’ … nor that I disrespect tradition an’ alla the committed souls past an’ present who been dootiful upholdersa The Way… nor even that I got a problem wearin’ the costooms or toyin’ with the regalia …

it’s jus’ I would want always for major astro celebrations to be as individyool an’ spontaneous as they are eternal.

So, hey — we are all thinkin’ ‘bout Mother Cosmosis’ imminent Summer-to-Autumn switcheroo rn, an’ we are all makin’ plans for how we gonna celebrate this celestially charged time, so I got sum suggestions for mebbe howya might wanna swooshie along with the 2017 take on Autumn Equinox rituals an’ kinda personalize it for the benefita your own unique booby doo.

I am nuthin’ if not no diligent servant regardin’ your 24/7 astro info lustiness…

Autumn Equinox Rituals — The Historical Perspective

Truth be told, Autumn Equinox prolly goes back to the dawna time, yanno, ever since Mother Cosmosis fixed up alla the planets.

Ritual part came way later — less’n dinosaurs got an angle on the deal or alla that amoeboid gloop we got right at the starta life on Earth kinda wiggled its collective proto-ass on a sympathetic vibe ticket.

Rituals only trooly start with people — world over, all kindsa styles.

An’ the main deal to understand here beyond the form alla those rituals took (an’ still take) is the essential content — the reason for botherin’ when actschwlly we got cool TV shows prolly gonna be more fun or (back in the day) bunnies to hunt down with spears made outta enemy bones.

Gotta figure evry Autumn Equinox we are celebratin’ onea the Earth’s major changesa heart — payin’ homage to life’s eternal cycles by wavin’ goodbye to our favo bikinis an’ breakin’ out the long coats an’ scarves … switchin’ out barbecues an’ fat guys showin’ crack for pumpkin soup an’ hallowe’en masks … rompin’ off for sex in the woods only to discover our goosebumps are bigger an’ stiffer than our strawbos an’ dicks.

Autumn Equinox shows, an’ the final walk back from the beach becomes the long an’ arduous trudge through wind an’ frickin’ rain to Christmas, whereupon enforced gaiety gonna collide with a real shitty selectiona gifts from relativesya hate an’ enough fatty garbage to guarantee the Noo Year boolimic puke-fest hurls an’ spews an’ regurgitates itself alla the way through to Spring.

Who wouldn’t wanna celebrate that?

What we got here with the Autumn Equinox is a self-evident reason to rejoice, whether ye be astro aficionado or astro skeptic.

However we argue among ourselves ‘bout the meaninga what is gowin’ on, the natural world has dominion over the spectacle we witness.

Evry astrologer person an’ astrology aficionado dies, planets gonna spin on, blissfully aloof as an Aquarian pop star refuses to sign autographs … give interviews or pose for the cameras … or actschwlly sing in frickin’ toon.

Always, there gonna be planetary dance an’ shimmy; an always, celestial energy gonna flux an’ spasm an’ renew as an ever-evolvin’ Cosmos demands.

Any creature comes outta that got eyes an’ life an’ heart gonna sit up an’ take real big notice, gonna reflect forevermore ‘pon the visuals, the changes, the flowa time.

Guess it is our turn now — post-gen Z to pre-Boomer — to fix on the marvel an’ draw succor from its immense stories.

Aries to Pisces, we all here this week, lookin’ on.

So we gotta ask — what is ritual?

Is it past tradition, kept alive like mebbe whenya reheat sum half-chewed frickin’ pizza for blearo-eyed breakfast after a party?

Or does 2017’s take on the Autumn Equinox ritual demand that it is uniquely US an’ uniquely OUR SHIT gotta dictate how we celebrate this yet-to-happen spectacle?

Autumn Equinox Rituals — As Cherished By “Those Who Went Before But Are Now Kinda Fuckoed”

Gotta figure alla those Deep Wicca spirits floopsyin’ around the Afterlife on their psilocybe- splattered broomstick-cum-fanjsmackers ain’t guaranteed to be deeply moved by anyone down here honorin’ the Autumn Equinox on a rote tradition ticket.

Most important thing about the Afterlife?

It goes on forever!

Las’ thing evryone in the Afterlife wants is a ritual goes on an’ on’ an’ on, year after year after year, same old same old after same old same old after same old same old.

Thinka how you gonna feel after listenin’ to Taylor Swift warblin’ [insert your total favo Swift song here!] back to back for like a frickin’ month!

Tellya, you suffer that assault onya sensorium, you gonna wanna try ANYTHIN’ BUT.

Anyways, alla the Zodiac got their own take on Autumn Equinox rituals, an’ a standard catch-all trope-packed astro workout — gleaned from learned tomes such as The 1688 Cyclopaedia of Starres, Philomena Schwimmer’s 1967 classic “Astrology for Liberated Californian Catholics”, an’ anythin’ written by Bethany Wiccasplatz before she denounced Eminem as a reincarnated poodle an’ abandoned astrology for marketin’ her own piss as a sleep sedative — weeeeell, you mebbe gotta figure alla the dead astro people we got floatin’ around in the Afterlife ain’t gonna be too pleased we can’t show ‘em sumthin’ noo.

Plus also, they are such cunts.

Aries simply ain’t interested what we all doin’.

Taurus prolly bringin’ herself off on a cloud sumplace.

Gemini seen it all before, so no way she gonna waste Eternity watchin’ your stoopid ritual ass.

Cancer don’t gotta care ‘bout nuthin’ no more cos worst case scenario (ie DEATH) already frickin’ happened … so why bother?

Leo gonna be busy performin’ her own song & dance ritual for any angels got the day off from patrollin’ Trump an’ Kimmee the Nooker an’ alla the other warmongerin’ fuckwits on their way upstairs any time now.

An’ do you really want Virgo lookin’ down onya, criticizin’ evry misquoted incantation an’ hollerin’ why you not ironed your damn robes decent, you incompetent slacker?

Afterlife don’t got no Librans in it anyways cos they all cum back down here to Terrorized Firma reincarnated as funky multicolored cephalapods go shimmer shimmer shimmer (it is troo — alla those undersea chameleon kaleidoscopes’re jus’ recycled Librans).

Scorpio is too busy figurin’ ways to escape so they can get reborn an’ re-establish their traditionally mysterious relationship with DEATH spooks ‘em out in ways that are familiar.

Sagittarius is bringin’ herself off on a cloud, same as Taurus, only she is hidin’ away on an adjacent cloud, gettin’ a real big hit offa watchin’ Ms Bovine Butt quiver slow an’ juicy.

Capricorn gonna be checkin’ the Autumn Equinox Rituals library an’ makin’ sure alla the killer secrets remain under wraps — ‘part from a coupla core inscriptions an’ sigils only she can interpret.

Aquarius is sellin’ finger spinners an’ savin’ for a way stoopid hairdo.

An’ Pisces mebbe gonna be makin’ the final touches to a dream she had ‘bout writin’ a steamy romance novel … “someday”.

So, please — do not even try to impress these useless fuckers!

They do not care.

Autumn Equinox Rituals — Your Day To Go Play In A Generous Cosmos

Wanna pick up here on sum themes I wrote out for the Spring Equinox — my 5-step Spring Fever Cures All plan.

If I’m honest, I actschwlly wanna jus’ repackage that old content an’ spare myself wastin’ valuable weekend FUN TIME writin’ out sumthin’ noo an’ specific, but I trooly only want the best for you guys … so that’s what I’m gonna do.

Autumn … Spring … hey — who fuckin’ cares?

Main deal is, life is kinda short (an’ I made that point HERE back starta Noo Year when the Reaper took holda 2016’s balls an’ scythed ‘em from reality in a manner most mortal an’ genuinely kinda cinematically propulsive), an’ we gotta squeeze alla the yummiest juice outta shit whenever it swells up with goodness before us.

Back in Spring, I set out a motivational action plan for boostin’ five key elementsa evryone’s lives.

Here’s what I hit on…






(I know — original af.)

An’ I would now wanna suggest how any Autumn Equinox ritual you wanna figure — trad-packed to nowsumly spunky & buzzin’ — gotta fix on these essential considerations.

You want I take ‘em one at a time?

K, here goes…

Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #1 — Your Body

It is temptin’ to throw on a whole buncha uncomfortable robes an’ duct tape sum antlers to your head … but tbh, yoga pants an’ a T’re jus’ fine.

You got sumplace cosy an’ private, get naked FFS.

Point is, you wanna be comfy, relaxed — an’ healthy.

So ease back on chocolate, narcotics, an’ alcohol excesses from mebbe Toosday, do sum Yoga or sports, an’ address all bodily hair issues.

Tellya, Equinox drops, she won’t wanna see her diligent devotees sportin’ last month’s dishevelled hairdo, next month’s armpit-fluff-to-be, or any kinda Unkempt Pubo Emergency situation.

All transformations got a deeply sensyool component an’ so mucha astrology fixes on how we feel, so whatever your ritual (an’ this is especially troo for anyone plannin’ to go trad an’ invest in summa them $50 Astro Antlers they got on special offer in Wal-Mart), stay focused on your body an’ show compassion for any feelings flow on out.

Serene reflection to capes an’ candles to makin’ with the solo masturbationals, Autumn Equinox says you gotta relax all chillsum an’ be super comfy inya beautyflesh.

Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #2 — Your Mind

This Autumn Equinox moment is about eternal change.

Year on year we get Summer switchin’ out to Autumn, but back in the day, people had way different ideas ‘bout shit than we got now.

Their thoughts reflected their times, an’ their reactions to those thoughts betrayed their mortal vulnerability.

So the world is as it is rn, an’ prolly you can’t change much ‘bout that.

An’ your life is how it is rn, an’ … mebbe you got more options for transformation gowin’ down here.

Gotta listen out for that — the bittersweet discourse gowin’ down in your personal space, day to day, week to week.

See, cos there’re changes comin’, a whole world spinnin’ beyond your control.

But you got motivational action power over evrythin’ you do, an’ alla that begins withya ideas an’ dreams an’ desires.

Plz be sure to figure summa that inya ritual — pay special heed to the moment as it plays out in alla that neurocerebral schwango you call thinkin’.

Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #3 — Your Spirit

If we gonna be super scientific, we gotta conclude how Spirit got sumthin’ more dinkily YOU ‘bout it than either Body or Mind.

Flop a boobie out, take holda your dick — you got a beautiful chunka YOU there, but evrythin’ ‘bout alla that wibbloflesh been parta sumthin’ else in the past.

Before alla those shaft molecules an’ nippo atoms got to be orbitin’ Locus You … kinda like the planets orbitin’ the Sun … they was mebbe parta sumone else’s dick or boobies.

Mebbe they was gorilla boobies … or ant stomach … or jus’ a lonely boulder way down bottom in sum prehistoric lagoon.

An’ alla them thoughts you got, inextricably bound to your recycled boobie body — they really YOURS?

Tellya, you been on Twitter, Tumblr or Buzzfeed in the las’ 20 minutes, likely your head gonna be fulla asshole memes, fake nooz, an’ a whole buncha other garbage routinely clogs up an’ sullies hoomanity’s Mutually Shared Cerebellosphere like alla that crappy plastic we now got swillin’ round our oceans an’ fuckin’ on fishykind.

So you gotta set aside a space, apart from Body an’ Mind, that more trooly shimmers benign an’ beautysum with your SPIRIT.

Ain’t gonna presoom to tellya what this is — you alone got privileged access, always — but whileya are cavortin’ about the place as the Equinox drops (adherin’ to proscribed trad antlercraft or bustin’ out on your own unique ticket), please wanna be aware that you persist an’ exist beyond mortal boobiedinkies an’ anythin’ you may be thinkin’.

Spirit don’t sound like no tangible entity, but when super signiffo astro events like Equinoxes play out (an’ remember, such times are so signiffo, they matter to astro skeptics also) you got sumthin’ you can touch on that is neither Body nor Mind.

Plan to see this, discover what you got.

Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #4 — Your Mojo

Tellya, one meme we got doin’ the Shared Cerebellular Rot rounds is alla that stuff ‘bout 90%a our problems bein’ cozza our POV.

More specifically, it says how shit happens, but the worst kinda shit follows from our unhelpful reaction.

I would wanna quibble the exact 90%, an’ I got issues also with sweepin’ motivational mantras an’ ideas can read kinda weird ifya play around with the context … so like this sentiment could figure as a cool way for a super rich elite to oppress a poor or enslaved underclass … but I figure Mojo is essentially self-created.

Mojo is mebbe a stance toward reality you gonna adopt — a positive outlook got no negative opposite.

It is either there to sum degree … or it ain’t.

Tbh, whatever your view on the Equinox, its essential theme is TIME PASSES.

That means (d’oh) it reminds us how all life got a narrative — past, present an’ fyooture.

You gonna gaze into the fyooture, you mebbe gotta take a positive stance (an’ I would want alla the recent Virgo vibe to have primed evryone to fix on sum practical action plans like I mentioned recently on my Tumblr Blaaahg).

So, again, I really don’t give no fuckin’ shit ‘bout howya celebrate the Equinox, but ifya are botherin’ with any kinda ritual at all, you are locatin’ an’ intention or wish an’ schloppin’ it in a frame as the past gives way to the fyooture.

Mojo is the wish goes in your frame, an’ you gotta take a positive stance toward what you expect from yourself in the comin’ months — despite evrythin’ I said about frickin’ Christmas.

Practical Autumn Equinox Rituals Theme #5 — Your Drive


The more I think about it, the more I recall wantin’ to be thorough when I wrote out my original Spring Fever Cures All plan last Equinox.

Jus’ offerin’ four suggestions seemed kinda stingy, so I threw in sumthin’ extra to round my Super Wise Counsel package up to five.

As it turned out I figure I made a useful distinction between two things mebbe perceived often as the same.

After all, what is Mojo if not Drive?

Weeeeeell … I would wanna consider how Mojo is kinda proto-potential.

It is the energy waitin’ to burst out in a thunderclap, the lava swillin’ round in a volcano before it cums.

Gotta figure with any Autumn Equinox ritual howya are wantin’ to identify an’ refine your magical energies an’ pay heed to other forces playin’ out in the world.

Body, Mind an’ Spirit toonsya in, Mojo firesya up — but what fuckin’ happens next?

See, cos we are nearin’ the enda the ritual here — that moment whenya set gratuitous astrology down an’ go back to your job in the bar as a flirty Gemini, back to your college class as a kickass Virgo … back to your regular Aries-to-Pisces deal, whatever that be.

Ritual don’t change nuthin’ for whenya step out from her confines, what is the fuckin’ point?

So, antlers or no, you gotta invite the potential for change an’ subsequent noo action … so you can walk outta your ritual space renewed an’ replenished.

Wanna thinka this right from the start … an’ the start begins NOW as the Equinox looms, heralded but as yet unborn.

Wanna be changed so your energy got new flow.

Wanna touch on your people with refined an’ re-energized heart.

That is what I am gonna do.

Ain’t decided yet my exact planna action — antlers, Wiccasplatz or chocolate dildo — but I am thinkin’ ‘bout it all now, seekin’ for noo life an’ energy, wantin’ for my super-yet-to-happen Saturday self to be changed for the better by the Equinox (an’ my reflections thereupon) in ways I can experience troothfully, articulate accurately, an’ act on with verve an’ spunko.

Autumn Equinox Rituals — Concludin’ Comments

So, thereya go — a monster practical Autumn Equinox Rituals HOW TO blaaahg post don’t actually tellya what to frickin’ do!

Tellya, Zodiac Cops gonna shoot the butt offa my ass, they find out.

But like I said right at the start, you got opportoonity to bring your unique potentials an’ desires to bear upon a unique astrological phenomenon: Autumn Equinox, 2017-style.

Jus’ cos we know so much about what is comin’, just cos the Afterlife is fulla floaty Zodiac beings handed down tradition ‘pon tradition, don’t mean you gotta play along with anya that schwango.

Be yourself, make your own day … an’ FFS play it how you wanna.

But mebbe spare sum thought for Body, Mind, Spirit, Mojo & Drive, huh?

Title Image c/o Pablo Basagoiti @Unsplash

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<span class="sdata" title="21"></span> <span class="sdata" title="08, 2017"></span>

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Your Definitive Guide

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2017-08-20T16:33:13+00:00"></span>|Eclipse, Leo, Meditation, New Moon, Practical Astrology|0 Comments

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Your Definitive Guide

So — what is today’s Solar Eclipse really about?

Is it an astronomical event, an astrological event — or jus’ the easiest way to haveya eyeballs burned outta your skull this sidea blowtorchin’ your own face off?

To answer these questions (an’ more), let’s look at the science.

Great Headline Act, Lousy Venue

Thingya gotta remember about any eclipse is how it is jus’ a celestial photo bomb moment.

One planet (typically either the Sun or the Moon) gets in the waya another planet (typically either the Sun or the Moon) an’ showtimes its titties off as it yells Poopy Doo Poopy Doo Poopy Doo Lookit Meeeeeee!

Stoopid part is — we can’t look at the frickin’ thing, not directly anyways.

To see the eclipse, either we gotta wear dumb fashion asshole goggles, slap a sack over our heads, or rig up sum high school camera obscura so we can view FUCK ALL.

What is the pointa THE BIGGEST SHOW ON EARTH FOR 99 YEARS if’n nowan can look directly at it?

Oh, for sure, evrythin’ gonna go dark when it shouldn’t, but that deal kinda happens evry timeya SHUTYA EYES or WAKE AT 3am AN’ GO CRUISE THE STREETS LIKE A POOR, INSOMNIAC BASTARD.

Wanna know the worst part?

This grand celestial planetary woo hoo event only happens for real over a buncha US landmass got nuthin’ livin’ there but frickin’ wildlife.

Call me a city-dwellin’ globalist loser, but are there like any people still livin’ in Idaho, Wyoming, Tennessee or Ken-frickin’-whatevah?

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Astrology On A Stick

Seriously though, gotta figure the 2017 Solar Eclipse gonna be a spectacle we can all embrace — inspirin’ natural imagry an’ energy release combined, all with way more potential to strike a positive chord in hoomanity’s heart than if … say … Donald Trump got his dick out at a White House press conference an’ swooshied it around in a tubba raspberry yogurt while successive alt-right sycophants Hitlered their ring fingers up’n his asshole.

For sure this is a geoplanetary event got all the naked mankind-humblin’ gravitas typically reserved for earthquakes, tornadoes an’ tsunamis — but its import an’ consequences are way more superbeneficial.

Jus’ gotta remember (an’ I knowya seen this evryplace, but I am dooty bound to repeat it cos I know summaya are such stoopid cunts) DO NOT VIEW THE ECLIPSE DIRECTLY.

That way, when evryone streams onto the streets, you can blunder safely through the joobilant hordes takin’ time out from their busy lives to commune as one — clad in stoopid tinted goggles an’ sacks, gazin’ at the world’s greatest natural spectacle in a century on phones an’ tabs — an’ bypass any hospitalizin’ retinal burnout.

Gotta say, anyone on Tinder — be sureta pull onya sexiest underwear beforeya hit the streets cos today is a big one for meetin’ people with a shared interest, tellya.

“Sooo — you into astronomy or astrology?  Which is it?”

“Hey, who cares — jus’ come back to my place RIGHT NOW an’ fuck me so hard up against my refrigerator the ice cubes turn to steam in their trays.”

Point is, gotta remember beyond the spectacle an’ the Professor Lord Sir Stephen Hawking astrophysics how the 2017 Solar Eclipse is primarily an astrological event.

An’ that is why, as a supremely gifted astrologer person, I plan to spend my Solar Eclipse meditatin’ on the hooman condition from the comfort an’ securitya a brand noo yoga outfit I bought specially for the purpose (but which does not fit me an’ will have to be returned to BendyGals RU Ass soon as the frickin’ lights go back on … if’n I don’t drool or cum on it c/o my uncontrollably zen-like **squee** outbursts.)

The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Celestial Pointers For Evry Man, Woman, Child & Beest (‘specially alla the frickin’ quadrupeds they got in Idaho, Wyoming etc)

Big deal we got with this Solar Eclipse ain’t so much the 99 years deal, nor even the frickin’ totality.

Those’re jus’ minor details far as I am concerned.

I would wanna look at how the photo bomb moment belongs entirely to showy, generous ol’ Leo.

A real proud noo Leo Moon gonna swank out in fronta a venerable Leo Sun an’ deliver a powerhouse duo romp fulla creative energies … for evryone.

It is a show so visually overpowerin’it cannot (an’ must not) be witnessed first hand — like angels undressin’ in Paradise.

Tellya, this power Moon moment is all about fire an’ heart, peoples — Summer’s final incendiary fling before bikinis turnta dust an’ the Grim Reaper sharpens his scythe on the commercially corrupted Christmas season’s prematurely sparklin’ sheen.

(Or mebbe total nooclear conflict between the US, North Korea, Russia an’ whomsoever stoopid assholes there be. Take yer pick!)

Best deal about the 2017 Solar Eclipse?

This baby is an encore.

Sun an’ Moon pulled a similar trick right at the starta this current Leo phase back in Jooly (an’ latecomers to the astrology scene bandwagonin’ out on the Solar Eclipse till the next lame fake nooz takesya fancy might wanna catch up on the 7 Day Leo SuperBlast kicked alla this off HERE).

What we witnessed back then — sans momentary darkness if’n you were momentarily sensitive to the vibes — was an audacious fire-themed statement to the Cosmos at superlarge aheada a whole buncha planets flyin’ off all retrograde (specifically Plooto in Capricorn).

I would wanna suggest there are sum real dark forces lurkin’ behind the celestial arras right now, an’ real soon we mebbe gonna see how lucky we been this las’ month thanksta the best Leo performance we witnessed for sum time.

(That clarity gonna start droppin’ from the middlea the week when we switch out to Virgo an’ reassess our collective mojo from a substantially less incendiary … an’ decidedly more pernickety … plateau.  But more on that when I’ve had time to make the fucker up…)

So, listen — the one natural spectacle oughta push all the buttons on the visuals deal simply ain’t gonna, an’ because solar eclipses are traditionally difficult to TASTE, SMELL, HEAR or DIRECTLY FEEL, I wanna suggest evryone gets out in the street fulla the Leo vibe as beheld from deep within soul.

Don’t matter ifya are a Pisces, don’t matter ifya are a Gemini, don’t matter ifya are a Nuthin’ Don’t Believe No Astro Crap — a whole buncha real smart catalytic potentials gonna swing offa this Solar Eclipse like the pendulous tinglydangliesa uberhunks, an’ anyone toonin’ in (like the whole frickin’ planet) can slipstream the crap outta the entire Leo vibe.

Practical details for how that works are in this motivational Leo-themed article HERE.

For sure the Solar Eclipse is a tangible phenomenon, but its intangible & metaphorical superpowers mebbe demand a finer costoom than sacks draped over heads an’ stoopid goggles strapped over eyeballs, en masse.

So go drape yourselves in ephemeral raimenta Leonine fire.

You wannit enough, you will feel it.

Step out beyond alla the hordes in the streets starin’ bug-eyed at miniaturized eclipsery on phone after tab after phone like sum alt-reality zombie apocalypse shambletroupe.

This Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) is romantic Sun an’ Moon interplay bypassin’ all immediate sensorium an’ appealin’ direct to your heart.

Gonna sneak its way in throughya skin pores even ifya spend the entire eclipse locked up in a sealed trunk down bottoma the ocean.

Wanna prep for the creative onslaught real smart?

Come join with Moi inya yoga duds for the run-up c/o this dinkily fire-themed astro-meditation.

Nipple Care Durin’ The 2017 Solar Eclipse

One final thing … do not overlook takin’ real sweet careaya dinky protuberals durin’ this mesmerisingly special time.

Jus’ cos we got a global spectacle gowin’ down don’t meanya can neglect life’s essential fleshy parts.

Jus’ sayin’.

Title Image c/o Mohammad Metri @Unsplash

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<span class="sdata" title="22"></span> <span class="sdata" title="05, 2017"></span>

Are You A True Astro Aficionado — Your Ultimate Inner Zodiac Quiz

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-17T07:45:20+00:00"></span>|Astro Quiz, Choice, Practical Astrology|0 Comments



Does astrology fillya with unbridled passion for mystery beyond the skies?

Does the Zodiac inspireya to go huntin’ forya soulmate with an ephemeris clutched tight to your bosom?

Wouldya die if celestial augury-style wonders ceased to exist an’ were replaced by 24/7 diktats from on high — much like Donald Trump’s instructions to his beleaguered stylist?

Or areya stoppin’ by here jus’ to see if I got so stoopid frickin’ drunk I posted lurid pixa my fanj an’ titties?

Gotta hopeya are a true stargazy buff, O sweet observa wonders!

Cos this is where we discover — in 10 cunningly calibrated questions — whether you is Super Horoscope Enthoosiasm Person or Totally Lame In the Spiritual Enlightenment Department Kinda Asshole!

Coolest thing?

This super dinky inner zodiac quiz works for all star signs.

Aries to Pisces to actshly I’m a frickin’ skeptic, Miss Loopy Doops Astroflaps!

So — no cheatin’, no peekin’, no foolin’ around!

Answer sweet an’ answer frank an’ answer true!

All will be revealed … about YOU …

1) Anti-astrology beings from a parallel Zero Horoscopes Here dimension rip through a wormhole into our parta the Cosmos, bearin’ Zodiac-destroyin’ weaponry an’ screamin’ “to hell with your stupid stars — we are gonna blitz all things astrological from the face of reality … FOREVER!!!”  What next?

a) Aw, gosh — that is such a bummer cos I really enjoyed bein’ a [insertya star sign here].

b) Listen, pal — we got Tom Frickin’ Cruise, so watch your step!

c) Gonna fight you till I got no strength left in my body — and even if I should fall, and you loom over me like a deathly colossus in my final seconds of life, I’ll still be biting for your balls with all I got.

2) Your sweetheart is bringin’ you off real yummo. An’ it’s … it’s … cummin’

a) You scream … Oooooh! Ooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaah! Fuuuuuuuuck!

b) You scream … Astrology! Astrology! Astrologyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

c) You scream … Before I forget … my cat is sick … so watch out later … she don’t spew on your paa-aaa-aaants …

3) Uh oh — you absentmindedly signedya name wrong on sum legal documents. Again! So what you just writ?

a) I love astrology so bad I could die. Let its sustaining waves lap over me as if I were being tongued sweet and true by androgynous cunnilingual angels!

b) Your username for Astropeeps.com.

c) Your regular name — but with one additional letter from onea the starsigns (eg mebbe an L from Leo or an N from Capricorn or an I from Gemini, meanin’ if you put sumthin’ like X or Q or K, it is jus’ a stoopid typo an’ don’t count for the purposesa this revealin’ an’ fun quiz).

4) Daydreams possessya — an’ you are lulled into delisho reverie. What imagry plays beforeya as Hypnos hugsya closeta his illusory heart?

a) I see bunnies.

b) I see bunnies, crabs, rams, bulls, scorpions, lions, fish — plus sum real weirdo people on a seesaw and a quasi-chimeric goat-cum-fish thing riding a real dumb looking fuckin’ horse.

c) What in hell is Hypnos? That some new male grooming product targets hipsters suffering from Booger Beard?

5) Reality Check. Go readya Monthly Horoscope right away! Then ask — this an accurate reflectiona your persona? Or a lucky guess hits the sweet spot c/o pseudo-scientific garbage?

a) Hey, I’m a believer, O Princess! And of all the scopes in the galaxy, yours are consistently the most accurate, heartfelt — and fun!

b) Astrology is the shitting of the masses by the excrement of the Ultrabogus.

c) Why is there still no 13th sign of the Zodiac? Surely it’s time the Cosmos levelled up?

6) It is La La Land. Openin’ scene on the freeway. An’ you are dancin’. How do the stars infuseya terpsichorean wherewithal with pizzazz (an’ mebbe a generous splatteringa glamor)?

a) They don’t. My body is a physiological entity and I am a naturally rhythmic person. I just felt like dancing, is all.

b) Beat comes on — you just gotta move. But are you suggesting that astrology might influence my choice of joggers?

c) We are all material objects spinning in the void. When we swirl and flit and meet in sweet caress, it is because we are divine beings on a celestial mission. Plus — I so love fuckin’ twerking!

7) Your sweetheart jus’ walked out the door. “Forever.”  That last word cutya so deep — but why did this tragedy happen?  Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

a) I guess we were astrologically incompatible. Some things are not meant to be.

b) Fuckin’ shitbrain! *scowl* *pout* *stomp* *pout* *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*

c) So … uhm … I accidentally spilled hot water on my ex-sweetheart’s pet terrapin. Happens.

8) Opposites attract — but sometimes it’s warfare. How acutely aware areya ‘bout your own personal astrological nemesis?

a) I understand astrology implicitly — essence to element, house to transit — and I got every single [insert starsigna known nemesis here] nailed to within an inch of its stupid freaking life. No lame [insert starsigna known nemesis here — only this time, mebbe growl real mean] gets past me, sister.

b) I am a goober no-hoper regularly gets stiffed. You saying this is all the fault of astrology — and not simply because I’m so intrinsically flawed my life is a living hell?

c) I keep tabs on my enemies using a variety of strategies, of which astrology is just one. Right now, I’m working on measuring people’s latent aggression by watching how they consume cupcakes.

9) Canya tell sumone’s starsign by the way they kiss?

a) Don’t be preposterous! Next you’ll be suggesting that magic is for real and dolphins can become invisible at will!

b) Is this an academic question — or are you suggesting I go try it out and see?

c) Every ridge and furrow of my tongue laps up the truth of the Cosmos — and no one remains incognito on my watch.

10) One question to go, confirmed astro-fiend —

a) Wait — did you just call me an astro-fiend? How presumptuous! How insulting! Listen, you irresponsible old crank, I fully intend to make it to the end of this stupid quiz having amassed zero fucking points, leaving both you and astrology to wallow in the sorry tears of your own irrelevance!

b) Ooh ooh — did I win? Please say I won — and there’s a trophy!

c) No need to ask any further! I was born a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy, I live each day as a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy, and I will die a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy! Viva astrology! Rah Rah Rah!

Are You A True Astro Aficionado?

Let The Inner Zodiac Quiz Reveal All!

You ready to have the beansa truth spilled overya head till the sauce dribbles all overya boobies?

Then prepare to discover — definitively — whether you is Astrofiend Incarnate or Celestial Skepticism’s Ardentest Ever Disser!

Here’s how the scorecard looks…

1 — A1 B2 C3

2 — A2 B3 C1

3 — A3 B2 C1

4 — A2 B3 C1

5 — A3 B1 C2

6 — A1 B2 C3

7 — A2 B3 C1

8 — A3 B1 C2

9 — A1 B2 C3

10 — A1 B2 C3

Now go pick up a maths whizz from the store — prolly the zero fashion guy in specs oglin’ alla the porno — an’ power ‘em up for the addition…

Score 10 —

Think You’re So Clever, Huh?

Ha!  I seen whatya did!

Desperate to cast aspersions on astrology at evry turn (mebbe cosya are sum divinity professor) you jus’ flunked out on my generous quiz so’s you could publish the results in sum stoopid journal an’ roast stargazy stuffs in academic flames.

Like I frickin’ care!

Score 11-18 —

Astro Devotee

It’s … lookin’ good.

Better than … nuthin’ … I guess.

But mebbe you wanna go fix up a starsign tattoo?

Sumplace prominent — like mebbe onya face?

It’s not that you are bordeline lame or nuthin’.

Jus’ probably need a little reminder from time to time, K?

‘Bout the astro enthoosiasm, remember?

Score 19-25 —

Astro Tits Floppin’ From Devotion’s Bra

Let it never be said that you are frequently found wantin’ in the Zodiacal Thrusto department.

You know your stars, you trustya auguries, an’ mebbe you got pets named after obscure celestial moons.

Friends gather at your feet to pull in your wisdom, lovers crave your astrologically-enhanced juices — an’ asya romp through the day, the planets shine their Zodiac-powered illoominations super sweet onya ass.


Score 26-30 —

So Astro Zealot! So Zodiac-crazed! So Spunky!

Tellya, you are outta frickin’ control!

Mebbe you are even totally fuckin’ annoyin’!

Yanno — like a puppy dog wants nuthin’ more than to lick lick lick lick lick run run run lick lick lick chase ball chase ball run run lick chase ball run lick run run run lick chase ball chase ball all fuckin’ day.


We both know astrology is jus’ so super cool it makesya feel warm an’ gooey inside, but there is no need to behave like a total dickbrain.

Actschly, it is prolly cozza people like you that regular folks get so anti-frickin’-astro.

“Dear sweet Jesus — that gal down the street is off her face ditzoid! Astrology this, astrology that — she should be locked the fuck up.

“Have you seen that weird book he carries round with him all the time? It’s not a novel or text book — it’s just full of numbers. Really weird looking … numbers!

“She speaks to the Moon. Can you believe that? In 2017! When we have science and convenience foods — and guns!

So yeah, things’re kinda anal retento out there rn, so you gotta take care.

My suggestion?

Buy a frickin’ parrot an’ get sum pirate clothes.

Deflect attention away from the astrology deal by mixin’ it with Depp-inspired braggadocio.

Prolly that gonna fix the naysayers real good…

“Dear sweet Jesus — that gal down the street is off her face ditzoid! Astrology this, astrology that, treasure chest crammed with doubloons the other — she should be locked the fuck up. Just gotta decide whether she deserves regular jail or a walk along the plank to the bottom of the ocean!”

“Have you seen that weird book he carries round with him all the time? It’s not a novel or text book — it’s just full of numbers. Really weird looking … numbers!  And that hat of his is totally ridiculous. Why can’t he wear a regular baseball cap? Or at very least cut his hair short and neat. Like a soldier.”

“She speaks to the Moon. Can you believe that? In 2017! And the parrot echoes her every word. Why keep a parrot as a pet when we have dogs and cats and rabbits? It’s outlandish to behold a parrot anyplace outside a jungle or zoo. Where did she obtain such a pet? Has a parrot shop opened up in the mall?”

See how the pirate strategy lets overzealous astrology offa the hook?

Your Inner Zodiac Quiz — The Scholarly Conclusion

Tellya, there is more to Moi than mere superaccurate astrological counsel an’ zero a cappella prowess.

I am srsly packin’ the lifehack tips also.

So come back next Monday see what I got, huh?

Sun is in Gemini right now, so you jus’ KNOW I am gonna be rustlin’ up sumthin’ super practical gonna relaxya strained astro-orifi an’ let the celestial vapors waft outtaya like synchronized vape wisps from a sponge…

Title Image c/o Mira De Shazer @Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="8"></span> <span class="sdata" title="05, 2017"></span>

The Stars As Bras

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-12T12:21:49+00:00"></span>|Brassiere Blasto, Mother Cosmosis, Motivation|0 Comments


Best thing about packin’ boobies?


So excitingly exotic! So tantalizingly varied! So subliminally raunchy — even in the wash!

Thing is, Mother Cosmosis got plenty to say ‘bout the nipparel we throw over our zestychesty yummiture.

She stopped by my place last week to return sum panties she borrowed for Valentine’s, an’ while she was raidin’ my refrigerator for high-brainfuck alcoholic flooids, she came out with onea her trademark edicts.

“Princess,” she said, diggin’ deep between alla my salad stuffs, “you should run a blog post about the stars as bras.”

“As in bras for evry signa the Zodiac, typeathing?”

“Yeah. Everyone is getting off on that shit right now, and it’s a convenient way of introducing complex astrological truths to the masses.”

For a gal jus’ ran a quinteta monster celestial retrogrades, gotta say Mother C was lookin’ purdy good to Moi.

Kinda inspirin’.

So I took a real deep breath an’ said, “toss me a cucumber willya? Ima need plenty big time nootrients to fix this fucker!”

Anyways, that was my Wednesday.

Project engaged me so much I even skipped yoga.

Tellya, bra research is a tougher academic exercise thanya think — especially whenya keep hittin’ the BUY NOW button asya flip through a zillion open browser tabs.

But I figure I got this Stars as Bras deal nailed — how evry kinda boobie from pert & perky juicebombs to 10 ton squidos gonna max out on the Zodiac’s 12 highly individual astrological essences via the humble bra.

Uhm … no … waitaminute — what was it Mother Cosmosis said before she made off with alla my lettuce?

Oh yeah — “Keep it simple, Princess.”

So here’s how astrology gonna power upya titties…

the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Aries hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Taurus hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Gemini hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Cancer hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Leo hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Virgo hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Libra hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Scorpio hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Sagittarius hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Capricorn hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Aquarius hearts
the stars as bras reveal secrets close to Pisces hearts

Want More Fun Shit To Look At?

The Stars as Bras got the perky — but ifya want Zodiac-themed DOOM an’ DEATH, mebbe try these funky astro tombstones.

Want serious pussy?

Alla your Zodiac kitties are over on my Tumblr.

Want horoscopes?

Want motivatin’?

Hey — I am always here.

Stop by regular. Suck on my jugular. Move on dinkier….

Title Image c/o Alexas-Fotos @ Pixabay

Other deliciousness enboobulates thusly…

Aries c/o kblaw @Pixabay
Taurus c/o Foundry @Pixabay
Gemini, Leo c/o sabinemondestin @Pixabay
Cancer c/o luctheo @Pixabay
Virgo c/o fsHH @Pixabay
Libra c/o Unsplash @Pixabay
Scorpio c/o Bobine @Pixabay
Sagittarius, Aquarius c/o Klaus Hausmann @Pixabay
Capricorn c/o alejandroruelas @Pixabay
Pisces c/o bestfotoartist @Pixabay

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