The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Your Definitive Guide
So — what is today’s Solar Eclipse really about?
Is it an astronomical event, an astrological event — or jus’ the easiest way to haveya eyeballs burned outta your skull this sidea blowtorchin’ your own face off?
To answer these questions (an’ more), let’s look at the science.
Great Headline Act, Lousy Venue
Thingya gotta remember about any eclipse is how it is jus’ a celestial photo bomb moment.
One planet (typically either the Sun or the Moon) gets in the waya another planet (typically either the Sun or the Moon) an’ showtimes its titties off as it yells Poopy Doo Poopy Doo Poopy Doo Lookit Meeeeeee!
Stoopid part is — we can’t look at the frickin’ thing, not directly anyways.
To see the eclipse, either we gotta wear dumb fashion asshole goggles, slap a sack over our heads, or rig up sum high school camera obscura so we can view FUCK ALL.
What is the pointa THE BIGGEST SHOW ON EARTH FOR 99 YEARS if’n nowan can look directly at it?
Oh, for sure, evrythin’ gonna go dark when it shouldn’t, but that deal kinda happens evry timeya SHUTYA EYES or WAKE AT 3am AN’ GO CRUISE THE STREETS LIKE A POOR, INSOMNIAC BASTARD.
Wanna know the worst part?
This grand celestial planetary woo hoo event only happens for real over a buncha US landmass got nuthin’ livin’ there but frickin’ wildlife.
Call me a city-dwellin’ globalist loser, but are there like any people still livin’ in Idaho, Wyoming, Tennessee or Ken-frickin’-whatevah?
The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Astrology On A Stick
Seriously though, gotta figure the 2017 Solar Eclipse gonna be a spectacle we can all embrace — inspirin’ natural imagry an’ energy release combined, all with way more potential to strike a positive chord in hoomanity’s heart than if … say … Donald Trump got his dick out at a White House press conference an’ swooshied it around in a tubba raspberry yogurt while successive alt-right sycophants Hitlered their ring fingers up’n his asshole.
For sure this is a geoplanetary event got all the naked mankind-humblin’ gravitas typically reserved for earthquakes, tornadoes an’ tsunamis — but its import an’ consequences are way more superbeneficial.
Jus’ gotta remember (an’ I knowya seen this evryplace, but I am dooty bound to repeat it cos I know summaya are such stoopid cunts) DO NOT VIEW THE ECLIPSE DIRECTLY.
That way, when evryone streams onto the streets, you can blunder safely through the joobilant hordes takin’ time out from their busy lives to commune as one — clad in stoopid tinted goggles an’ sacks, gazin’ at the world’s greatest natural spectacle in a century on phones an’ tabs — an’ bypass any hospitalizin’ retinal burnout.
Gotta say, anyone on Tinder — be sureta pull onya sexiest underwear beforeya hit the streets cos today is a big one for meetin’ people with a shared interest, tellya.
“Sooo — you into astronomy or astrology? Which is it?”
“Hey, who cares — jus’ come back to my place RIGHT NOW an’ fuck me so hard up against my refrigerator the ice cubes turn to steam in their trays.”
Point is, gotta remember beyond the spectacle an’ the Professor Lord Sir Stephen Hawking astrophysics how the 2017 Solar Eclipse is primarily an astrological event.
An’ that is why, as a supremely gifted astrologer person, I plan to spend my Solar Eclipse meditatin’ on the hooman condition from the comfort an’ securitya a brand noo yoga outfit I bought specially for the purpose (but which does not fit me an’ will have to be returned to BendyGals RU Ass soon as the frickin’ lights go back on … if’n I don’t drool or cum on it c/o my uncontrollably zen-like **squee** outbursts.)
The 2017 Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) — Celestial Pointers For Evry Man, Woman, Child & Beest (‘specially alla the frickin’ quadrupeds they got in Idaho, Wyoming etc)
Big deal we got with this Solar Eclipse ain’t so much the 99 years deal, nor even the frickin’ totality.
Those’re jus’ minor details far as I am concerned.
I would wanna look at how the photo bomb moment belongs entirely to showy, generous ol’ Leo.
A real proud noo Leo Moon gonna swank out in fronta a venerable Leo Sun an’ deliver a powerhouse duo romp fulla creative energies … for evryone.
It is a show so visually overpowerin’it cannot (an’ must not) be witnessed first hand — like angels undressin’ in Paradise.
Tellya, this power Moon moment is all about fire an’ heart, peoples — Summer’s final incendiary fling before bikinis turnta dust an’ the Grim Reaper sharpens his scythe on the commercially corrupted Christmas season’s prematurely sparklin’ sheen.
(Or mebbe total nooclear conflict between the US, North Korea, Russia an’ whomsoever stoopid assholes there be. Take yer pick!)
Best deal about the 2017 Solar Eclipse?
This baby is an encore.
Sun an’ Moon pulled a similar trick right at the starta this current Leo phase back in Jooly (an’ latecomers to the astrology scene bandwagonin’ out on the Solar Eclipse till the next lame fake nooz takesya fancy might wanna catch up on the 7 Day Leo SuperBlast kicked alla this off HERE).
What we witnessed back then — sans momentary darkness if’n you were momentarily sensitive to the vibes — was an audacious fire-themed statement to the Cosmos at superlarge aheada a whole buncha planets flyin’ off all retrograde (specifically Plooto in Capricorn).
I would wanna suggest there are sum real dark forces lurkin’ behind the celestial arras right now, an’ real soon we mebbe gonna see how lucky we been this las’ month thanksta the best Leo performance we witnessed for sum time.
(That clarity gonna start droppin’ from the middlea the week when we switch out to Virgo an’ reassess our collective mojo from a substantially less incendiary … an’ decidedly more pernickety … plateau. But more on that when I’ve had time to make the fucker up…)
So, listen — the one natural spectacle oughta push all the buttons on the visuals deal simply ain’t gonna, an’ because solar eclipses are traditionally difficult to TASTE, SMELL, HEAR or DIRECTLY FEEL, I wanna suggest evryone gets out in the street fulla the Leo vibe as beheld from deep within soul.
Don’t matter ifya are a Pisces, don’t matter ifya are a Gemini, don’t matter ifya are a Nuthin’ Don’t Believe No Astro Crap — a whole buncha real smart catalytic potentials gonna swing offa this Solar Eclipse like the pendulous tinglydangliesa uberhunks, an’ anyone toonin’ in (like the whole frickin’ planet) can slipstream the crap outta the entire Leo vibe.
Practical details for how that works are in this motivational Leo-themed article HERE.
For sure the Solar Eclipse is a tangible phenomenon, but its intangible & metaphorical superpowers mebbe demand a finer costoom than sacks draped over heads an’ stoopid goggles strapped over eyeballs, en masse.
So go drape yourselves in ephemeral raimenta Leonine fire.
You wannit enough, you will feel it.
Step out beyond alla the hordes in the streets starin’ bug-eyed at miniaturized eclipsery on phone after tab after phone like sum alt-reality zombie apocalypse shambletroupe.
This Solar Eclipse (Leo Style) is romantic Sun an’ Moon interplay bypassin’ all immediate sensorium an’ appealin’ direct to your heart.
Gonna sneak its way in throughya skin pores even ifya spend the entire eclipse locked up in a sealed trunk down bottoma the ocean.
Wanna prep for the creative onslaught real smart?
Come join with Moi inya yoga duds for the run-up c/o this dinkily fire-themed astro-meditation.
Nipple Care Durin’ The 2017 Solar Eclipse
One final thing … do not overlook takin’ real sweet careaya dinky protuberals durin’ this mesmerisingly special time.
Jus’ cos we got a global spectacle gowin’ down don’t meanya can neglect life’s essential fleshy parts.
Title Image c/o Mohammad Metri @Unsplash
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