Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap
Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner
Scopes — Sept '17
How This Works
Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.
September 2017 is gone.
She is dust.
Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.
Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.
It is the past, an’ it is over.
Get frickin’ movin’…
March 21st to April 19th
Love — Not that I am jealous or nuthin’, but I wanna punchya in the face.
Luck — Yeah, the romance deal sure looks kinda neat for September — ‘specially the end part — so I figure the biggest problem you got is people wantin’ to punchya in the face.
Moolah — So, listen — Mother Cosmosis got plentya productive energy stuffs spinnin’ your way outta the Celestial Vaporhood (‘specially on the 5th whenya mebbe gonna think up sum dumb Arian scheme maxin’ out on pure genius), so may I recommend cashin’ in fast an’ investin’ in a supersecure underground bunker?
Or mebbe an armored suit?
Insurrection — Yeah, I know it is your job, traditionally, to bust out on rebellion an’ shit, but I am bein serious here ‘bout how the tables gonna turn so bad you gotta GO HIDE.
Your “Save My Ass” Emergency Hotline Number — Ooooooh, such hot, hot lips … such a powerfully rhythmic pelvic action! I so love seein’ Aries on a roll while the resta the Cosmos busts out on pernickety Virgo chic like a paira fancy chromium tongs in a way-up-own-asshole delicatessen servin’ only salad … but I still wanna punchya face … an’ so does evryone else.
I so wanna saveya fruity ol’ ass … putchya in direct contact with armed commando types packin’ killer bazookas … but I knowya loves a fight.
So fuck the emergency hotline number gonna saveya butt.
Go tool up an’ check out these real cute penguins, you raunchy ol’ SOB.
April 20th to May 20th
Moolah — tbh, Taurus, I got no idea why I bother writin’ out intrestin’ an’ varied scopes for you guys.
All you really need is MOOLAH, FOOD an’ FUCKIN’.
Resta the world can go hang from a spike by its titties.
So let’s start with the really neat shit.
Sun is in Virgo for mosta the month, with Mercury an’ Mars playin’ along — which means a real finessed kinda earthy optimism an’ smartpower gonna grace alla your bovine schemes.
I see big time moolah, cascadin’ from the heavens with such ker-ching factor you’ll believe “trickle-down economics” was merely a myth.
Jus’ don’t spend or buy on the 5th, K?
Mercury in Leo smoochies out with retro Uranus in Aries, spellin’ big time Stoopido impulsiveness for … Virgo Sun plans drownin’ in retro Piscean Neptoon drool full a confusion.
Food — Mars energy rompeth like a TV chef with a vibratin’ zucchini wigglin’ the fuck outta her sweetiepipe, so go celebrate the lusho Pisces full moon on the 6th with the most humongo lipsmackin’ slapout you can … permit.
Main deal is, September still got plenty Summer Power bustin’ outta its Burn Off The Carbs locker, an’ with Mars firin’ you up with a weirdsy nervous energy mosta the month, you can mebbe go a little crazy without too much riska perishin’ from terminal wobbliture.
Fuckin’ — Aw, see — now we got your favo thing, bippity-boopsyin’ along for the ride like the friendliest bunny ever.
Thing is, you got charisma oozin’ outtaya ass — exotic fountain style — rn.
So go get sum fun before Winter sets in an’ toughens up the feelyflesh onya nippoes with its unkind chill.
May 21st to June 20th
Panties — Sun is in the home & fam sectora your celestial rompo rn, so you gotta pay special attention to your undergarments.
You gonna end up dead sumplace, you don’t wanna bring no shame on nowan by bein’ caught out in unimaginative skimpies, tellya.
“She was such a livewire, 34/7! I just can’t believe she’d bow out from a truly sparkling life wearing lame underwear makes a dishcloth look exotic!”
So — think RESPECT, huh?
Bottom line, you gotta think THONG! SEQUINS! ZIPS!
Decisions — Ain’t life a fucker sumtimes, demandin’ you make decisions?
But, listen — I am bein’ srs here, an’ I trooly wanna saveya ass.
Sun is ridin’ high in your fellow mutable signa Virgo, but this is no sweet fellowship, right?
Gemini & Virgo are prolly the furthest hoomankind got from any “all hobbits, gathered together as one” scenario.
Truth is, you guys share a rulin’ planet, an’ when it is not your turn, dealya get is kinda bum.
Bein’ twinno, you prolly got innate indecisiveness issues anyways — more from generous choices you self-generate than any kinda loser dullardness — but you got a whole buncha planetary energies stacked againstya this month when it comesta bein’ SPOT ON withya judgement, tellya.
Swanky I-Ching Fidget Spinner Technique — See, I knowya bought into this fad way before evryone else, an’ I know howya been trainin’ upya wrist an’ finger muscles as a side benefita keepin’ boredom at bay, but you mebbe wanna pay attention to the three coins clittery-clatterin’ around in that darn thing cos these got real firepower on the decision makin’ front, tellya.
Best days for randomly nailin’ those intractable EITHER/OR dilemmas?
Run with the 12th, 20th & 22nd.
Worst case scenario?
You end up dead on a beach sumplace clad in underwear gonna blind the cops.
June 21st to July 22nd
Edge — Thing I love about you Cancer people is howya are both soft as poop an’ hard as diamond.
I figureyou are built this way cos hooman endeavor demands a whole rangea approaches from eacha us, an’ seein’ howya look after mosta us … mosta the time … this emotional flexibility you got is a gift, trooly.
Problem is, how mucha that flexibility is under your control?
That isya main exam question this month, ye of laterally-mobile exoskeleton collateral.
Mars an’ Mercury wanna drill down onya particulars, their incisive gleam drawin’ power from a superjudgmental Virgo Sun.
Tough days, I guess, but that emotional swingeroo you got goin’ down needs sharpenin’ up outta its mooshie — an’ September gonna blessya with an edge levels up your broader Cancerian mojo.
Friendly Animals — I would wanna suggest fixin’ upya home with mebbe a couple more fluffy pets — I dunno, borrow some from the pet store, or mebbe go find sum kids or sumthin’ … from a relative, I dunno.
Thing is, Joopiter is gettin’ ready to move on outta Libra into sunny, cheery Scorpio, an’ while he figured plenty neato stuff for all Cancerian home an’ fam this past year, Uranus been a real thorn in his side, an’ he got big time showdown words to lay down before his October adieu.
For Cancer, this means mebbe fractious home an’ fam stuff as the luck an’ sweetie factor rollin’ outta Joopiter takes second place to a whole buncha violent kickin’ focussed on the Uranian pooper.
You got a sister with mebbe a toddler an’ a rabbit?
Go suggest a sleepover from mebbe the 22nd till October 6th.
“By infant and cutesy mammal shall ye avert the Apocalypse.”
July 23rd to August 22nd
Unrelentin’ Magnificence — Yanno the deal whenya go to a bar an’ skip alla the cocktails an’ high octane shit in favora beer?
Thenya drink loadsa the stuff an’ get blamoed outtaya cunnyhole?
An’ asya are staggerin’ around, allya can do is pee pee pee?
For like 48 hours?
Constant streama hosepipe urine?
See, I figure that is how most Leos been with the general GFY UNIVERSE vibe since the frickin’ eclipse.
tbh I am undecided whether the sun is shinin’ outta your ass or desperate to squeeze up insideya ringo to discover ALLA THE REAL COOL SHIT GOWIN’ ON UP THERE.
So … uhm … yeah — you got alla the Leonine Sun firepower still burnin’ up long after its official time, an’ with a whole buncha powerhouse planets drivin’ your personal resourcefulness forward with Virgo’s razor shuriken ziiiiiiiiip, I figure September gonna be a real clincher month for smeltin’ the lava down into classy silver jewelry.
(Yeah yeah — I know lava is technically jus’ molten rock an’ shit, but I am bein’ metaphorical here steada actual.)
Your Oscar Winnin’ Speech — Wanna know what I love so about you Leo types?
Lotta people thinkya are all show, like there is nuthin’ gowin on below the glam.
But anyone looks closer can see howya are prolly onea the most vulnerable signsa the Zodiac when it comesta feelin’ hurt.
Gotta watch for botha the major moon events this month — startin’ with full in Pisces on the 6th an’ noo in Virgo on the 20th.
First is potentially teary, so pack tissues.
Second gonna tearya up with extra lashingsa scrutiny, so pack bandages.
Jus’ don’t fuckin’ blub too much for the cameras, K?
August 23rd to Sepember 22nd
The Cat:Cream Ratio — There exists sumplace a grand theorem states how a CAT (any cat) can’t never get enough CREAM.
Place a bowl fulla cream before a cat (any cat) an’ she will lap it on up, grin real big an’ Cheshire, an’ meaow more more more.
But I figure actchsly any cat (ie some cats) won’t do that.
Cream may be cool — but its pleasure got limits.
Tbh, las’ thing kittykind really wants as it bounds from rooftop to rooftop in searcha mice is no stomach content scenario masqueradin’ as a TUMESCENT BOVINE UDDER SITUATION.
An’ that, my dear Virgo friends, is your lesson for September — along with a delicious opportoonity to set the Zodiac bar super high for your fellow astro siblings.
See, las’ month, we saw Leo bust out all gloriously super excessive, an’ in truth when alla the signs get their turn they prolly gonna go a little crazy.
But not Virgo.
You gonna lap up jus’ the right amounta cream — an’ no more.
Refine. Finesse. Pernicketify on down.
For there is magic in the minuscule, grandeur in reduction, impossible conflux in neatly specified combinations.
Coolest deal ‘bout this September is how she gonna pitchtya a gentle Virgo run-up to the main action.
Evrythin’ begins slow, like sum real neat game with a peasy tutorial an’ instant stars.
An’ as the month blossoms, Virgo delights drop from celestial Nirvanae on high in regular nibble-sized portions, exaltin’ virgin deliciousness an’ maxin’ out on the perfectly dispensed cream deal.
Everythin’ centers on the noo moon on the 20th, when the subtlest ever eureka moments gonna twinkle from dimensions beyond.
September 23rd to October 22nd
Respiration Net — Whenya look back overya 2017 diary withya cyborg great-great-grandkids sumtime in 3517, one theme gonna shine through is summa the awkwardness klutzed out your personal relationships along the way.
Main culprit here is Joopiter, retro in your sign for prolly longer thanya mighta wanted — but the good nooz is he is swingin’ round more your way right now before headin’ off into sunny Scorpio in October.
What this means (an’ I checked this with Mother Cosmosis herself, so rest assuredya are receivin’ thee most official ever astro counsel here) isya can catchya breath before the annual Libran roll next month.
Serene reflection an’ gentle tinkerin’ with emotional fronds is whereya are ridin’ rn — so mebbe go bask in a field fulla poppies or colorful goats an’ strum on sum pan pipes.
Alarm Clock — Best set Mortality’s Handy Timer for regular Fridays.
Tellya, I do not wanna see alla you Librans driftin’ off into the slumbery wonderlanda your own sub-reflection an’ missin’ alla the main action.
So plz set a weekly date to return to terra firma evry Friday, at least for a few minutes.
That way, when alla the cool astro vibes shimmer out as the Sun swoops into Libra on the 23rd … alongside the Virgo noo moon an’ a virginal Venus/Mars kissup … you gonna be ready to roll withya eyes fully open.
Stoopid Fuckin’ Pants — You still wearin’ them stoopid fuckin’ pants I warnedya about in January?
What an asshole!
October 23rd to November 21st
Love — Make it.
Luck — Find it.
Money — Spend it.
Fortune — Open up to it.
Career — Rock it.
Clothing — Wear it.
Music — Play it.
Teeth — Brush ‘em.
Victories — Secure ‘em.
Rodents — Spook ‘em.
Boobies — Be kind to ‘em.
Dick Cheese — Avoid it.
Nood Wrestlin’ — Engage in it.
Capers — Chew on ‘em.
Full Moon — Revel in it.
Noo Moon — Orgasm to it.
Cats — Kiss ‘em.
Dogs — Pet ‘em.
Hamsters — Race ‘em.
Camels — Locate ‘em.
Wasps — Dance with ‘em.
Philosophy — Seek it.
Mendacity — Deploy it.
Japanese Gardens — Spend time in ‘em.
Surfboards — Avoid exertin’ yourself tryin’ to bend ‘em.
Glam Panties — Flaunt ‘em.
Malevolent Aunties — Punch ‘em.
Pelicans — Go play Throatsy Wobblepoppet with ‘em.
Milk — Fillya navel with it.
Honey — Rubya flesh down with it.
Rhinos — Keepya sleepin’ area freea ‘em.
Poetry — Regurgitate it.
Flaps — Lick ‘em.
November 22nd to December 21st
Productivity — Jus’ wanna say, 2017 is kinda reachin’ its final stages, so you mebbe wanna consider actschwlly accomplishin’ sumthin’ ‘steada simply horseassin’ around.
I understand how difficult it is forya to focus sumtimes.
FFS who needs a lens whenya can jus’ look outta a window!
Thing is, I would not wantchya to allow alla that boundless energy you got to simply dissipate into the ether.
So I guess it is supr convenient how summa the key planets’re playin’ ball with my near sage-like POV rn.
Lotsa high stakes life themes — career, reputation, status — gonna receive a big time level up this month alongside alla the usual bellowin’ gibberrish outta your asshole.
May meaningful perspiration be thine.
Irksum Punchy Punchy — Gotta watch for bein’ irritable along the way.
Also — smackin’ people in the chops who pissya off.
Main problem you got is your roolin’ planet Joopiter, blastin’ through the final daysa its stay in Libra before thunderin’ into Scorpio.
Tellya, that is sum major switcheroo — a humongo leap across onea astrology’s widest crevasses.
Think ANT somersaultin’ from ONE KIM KARDASHIAN BUTT CHEEK to THE OTHER KIM KARDASHIAN BUTT CHEEK as she tans her tushzilla in the Sun.
Throw in Kanye beatin’ on said cheeks with his lust-pumped thwapper pipe & ripplin’ ‘em out all wibblo an’ you got mebbe sum idea how tricky this leap gonna be for the ANT.
This unsettlin’ backdrop to your life’s unfoldin’ story gonna confound an’ irritate, tellya.
But DO NOT PUNCH NOWAN, K?
December 22nd to January 19th
Blossompussiness — Coolest thing about havin’ the Sun in Virgo for mosta September — along with plenty other planets rockin’ out all productively Earthlicious — is how alla that Capricorn energy you got gets kinda … superyummily turned on.
Now, I know howya disagree with most shit most people say, but I would wanna believeya gonna concur with Moi jus’ this one time when I say howya are mebbe not the flauntsiest signa the Zodiac.
Tbh, mosta the time, y’are content to be described as modest or unassumin’ or a fucker — but this month, plenty powerhouse energy from Sun, Moon, Venus & Mars gonna spin a whole buncha stuff you got center stage.
Even Joopiter wantsta play along in the Capricorn Bustin’ Out story, an’ now is a great time to blend CHARISMA with CAREER.
Go have it all, O Blossompussy…
Proclamation — Noo moons are always auspicious times to think about decisions — sumtimes involvin’ plungin’ ahead, other times requirin’ more forethought an’ restraint.
The Virgo deal comin’ on the 20th offersya a rich buncha choices.
Tellya, sum singular concern or theme gonna rise to the surface an’ offer itself up to clarity’s all-seein’ eye.
Could be career, could be personal, but for sure it is gonna demand sum kinda statement.
So write out whatever drops onya — this gonna be crystal clear reasonin’ bout sumthin’ fulla import.
You may jus’ wanna share.
An’ the proclamatory without the inflammatory always plays well — so asya are addressin’ one an’ all, please do not swear.
January 20th to February 18th
Wanna know a secret?
For a bust-ass Sagittarian, I am uncomfortably regular when it comesta writin’ out my monthly horoscopes.
Start at Aries … end at Pisces … bippity boppity boop.
Mebbe I should get stuck in at random, kinda cherry pick an’ mix & match.
But I so love the cyclic order the Zodiac got, an’ I would never wanna miss out on the delightsa the celestial wheel.
Plus also, I might accidentally omit Cancer an’ be forever plagued by crabby trolls intent on my demise.
Thing is, this means that by the time I roll round to writin’ up THE MONTH AHEAD FOR AQUARIUS, I am either so desperate for coffee my brain feels like sum ragin’ cougar is tryin’ to scratch it the fuck outta my skull … or I am so fulla the stuff I could pee my panties at any moment.
I figure this prolly don’t make for renderin’ the stablest stargazy predictions, an’ because y’are prolly the loopsiest crank we got out there in Zodiac land, it occurs to me that my SLAVISH REGULARITY may be contributin’ to UNDUE AQUARIAN WEIRDO LEVELS worldwide — an’ I got no desire to prompt no kinda global Uranian insurrection.
As it happens, I got my shit together pretty good this month.
I pulled in a coffee durin’ Leo an’ now find myself comfortably poised between bein’ caffeine-sated an’ bladder-pumped, so naught but prescient sensibility pulseth from my astrologically-enhanced braino.
Hence this apology, O gentle Aquarius, for messin’ up your life these past few months with underpowered horoscopes.
You deserve better, an’ I promise from now on to deliver.
Meanwhile … uhm … September looks kinda crappy.
February 19th to March 20th
Harshness — Gotta figure on sum discomfort this September as the Sun moves through your opposite signa Virgo, pullin’ on plenty major planets graced by the Virgin as it rolls.
It is in the naturea Virgo to lend clarity to all things, an’ while she tries always to be gentle an’ kind, this is not necessarily apparent to anyone on the receivin’ end.
For swirlsum Pisces, Virgo’s super precise an’ near clinical versiona the truth can seem unnervingly harsh an’ stark.
Defined edges an’ surfaces connected up an’ separated out with precision may indeed make for textbook utility gonna help the world — but it is diligent efficiency, clearcut solution … an’ so intrinsically un-Piscean you mebbe struggle to comprehend how anythin’ so theoretically beneficial can feel so practically euuuuurk.
So I guess you gotta take a leaf outta Scorpio’s book here an’ roll along with ultimately positive changes don’t feel so good as they are switchin’ on out.
“What doesn’t kill me makes me an asshole stronger” kinda thing.
So mebbe think real serious ‘bout summa the dreamsya got for the future.
An’ be honest ‘bout how genuinely fuckin’ fluffy somea them are.
Virgo don’t wanna dispossessya of any happiness, but she trooly wants the best for you, an’ that means alignin’ desire more closely with … what is.
You ain’t gonna lose any overall fluffy power — jus’ gonna mebbe transfer summa that dreamo energy away from shit prolly ain’t gonna work out to more luscious projects waitin’ to blossom.
Full moon in Pisces on the 6th is a biggie in this respects — full feelin’ on allaya fluffo dreams squared on up to Virgo pincers wanna pluck pluck pluck.
Tellya, that is one harsh, sharp, unequivocal lesson — but it is neither evil nor destructive.
Stay with it, sweetie.
Cosmos lovesya this way for a reason.
Joopiter — Like a gambollin’ lamb fulla beans, Joopiter continues his joyous leapin’ an’ boundin’ toward Scorpio, an’ this got a sustained (if erratic) pull onya evry timeya gaze outta a window. Jus’ sayin’.
Sorry, time is all gone.
Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?
No matter how specialya thinkya are.
So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.
Douse me in sunlight.
Float me in air.
Breathe on me sweetly.
What else is there?