Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap
Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner
Scopes — Oct '18
How This Works
Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.
Octobah 2018 is gone.
She is dust.
Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.
Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.
It is the past, an’ it is over.
Get frickin’ movin’…
5 KILLER REASONS WHY PRINCESS BALESTRA SHOULD BE LOCKED IN THE BASEMENT ALONGSIDE THE FAMILY MONSTER
1) I been real naughty.
2) I been real naughty ‘bout horoscopes.
3) Despite my consoomate regularness, I secretly harbor a desire to be locked away. It’s a Princess thing.
4) Actschwlly, I shoulda said 3 Killer Reasons an’ not 5. On reflection, I ain’t been too badly behaved regardin’ flunkin’ out on my regular horoscopes. I only skipped Septembah FFS.
5) Plus I do not buy into the family monster myth. Evrywan deserves love an’ care, an’ history shows mosta the monsters are the people with the keys to the basement door.
Anyways — enough cogent analysis of modern day livin’ an’ my place within it!
You here for stargazy stuffs, so let’s get on with the astro biz …
All-for-One, One-for-All, None-for-Nuthin’, Plenty-for-Evrywan
First thing to note is how there ain’t no individyool Zodiac stuffs this month.
Instead, ima pitchin’ a broad panorama ‘bout what to expect from Octobah.
Partly this is bcs I such a trooly busy Princess, partly it is bcs I enrolled on a real swell Megalomaniac Trainin’ Course over the Summer an’ lookin’ in on the wider picture works better for my own self-aggrandisement potential.
Thing is, it is helpful sumtimes to consider all things astro from a global viewpoint.
Real easy, I guess, to pit Zodiac against Zodiac in a wheel of bile and combat — speshly when it comes to frickin’ romance.
So I am tryin’ this more general approachfor a while — kinda like dishin’ a theme for the next 30 days that evrywan can come swanky out in as exotic celestial vapors lift their souls an’ firm up their footsteps.
Seasonal Shift Is a Fragrant Waft — Like Celebrities Switchin’ From Dior or Givenchy to Giraffe Milk Pulled From The Teat
First thing to figure ‘bout Octobah is the clear seasonal shift we got gowin’ down, post-equinox.
An’ with Plooto back in direct mode under Capricorn’s guidance, I would figure on a more solid feel underfoot than we seen in recent months.
When the leaves fall, you really gonna feel ‘em crunch beneath your booties — less’n you in parta the globe where Autumn feels more like Spring, in which case mebbe go dredge a buncha crustaceans from outta the ocean an’ make with the crunchin’ that way.
(Gotta be clear here — I am referrin’ to seashells rather than live shrimps or cephalopods because I don’t want nowan gettin’ arrested for croolty, an’ nor do I wish to suffer a grievous lawsuit for incitin’ the masses to stomp on baby prawns … but I so love the word ‘crustacean’. Sounds real refined an’ intellectyool — which is why it be a shame it got bagged by such a fuck ugly buncha underwater creepy crawlies. Yuck!)
Thing ‘bout Plooto in Capricorn is the sense that order is deep an’ diligent.
Here be a potent force for transformation, marshalled by mebbe the most responsible Zodiac we got.
An’ let us not forget the broad Capricorn theme we got runnin’ till 2020 — sumthin’ I picked up on starta the year back when I devoted far less Slack Power to my horoscopes than is currently the case.
Gotta figure we seein’ plenty fundamental change right now as politics an’ gender ishoos take center stage an’ values of all kinds are challenged like we ain’t seen in a while.
As such forces threaten to carry evrywan away, gotta figure Cappy be sittin’ toppa the Zodiac heap keepin’ evrythin’ in order so’s we don’t all go frickin’ crazy.
Cos for sure the crazies’re out there as Donut Head Taurus stomps through the azure Uranus landscape lookin’ for burger bars to plunder with entreprenoorial brio — an’ you’ll notice here how I am deployin’ plenty killer links to excitin’ content such as Uranus in Taurus to placate anywan still pissed bcs they ain’t got no regular horoscope to look in on.
(That is why I am revered for both my generosity an’ compassion btw.)
Anyways, we seasonally shifted from outta the retro-heavy Summer, an’ the Zodiac wheel has spun from what most astrology persons consider to be the self-centric signs, Aries to Virgo, to the real fuckin’ loonpants enda the spectrum.
Tbh I got no idea what Mother Cosmosis was thinkin’ when she figured Libra.
So, yeah — more groop outlook an’ concern for shared endeavors, less erratic retro action, mebbe a more tangible feel to shit, likeya can grab holda the times an’ mold ‘em more your way.
Speshly if’n you signed up for a Megalomaniac Trainin’ Course an’ locked your instructor in the basement …
Cap’n Cardinal Throws On The Superhero Cape
Central ishoo for Moi as a Libra ascendant person is what Libra Season offers to evrywan.
For all its flamboyance, Libra packs the Cardinal straightenin’ out virtue in spades, an’ I would wanna figure alla the excesses are merely experiments in balance.
Plenty signs are happy enough that 2 = 2, but Libra would wish always to test the scales — an’ to do so with ingenooity.
So, kinda … what happens if we run with 10 = 10? Or mebbe 10 = 9 plus a banana?
Gotta figure the Cardinal vibe is on a roll through Octobah, speshly for the Noo Libra Moon on the 9th.
Helps that this falls on a middlin’ Toosday, an’ I would want evrywan to consider their squabbles an’ petty fuckin’ around when Luna drops her Libran dinkies.
Plenty people gonna be in work or college — an’ if’n you ain’t, you still gotta interact with fam, friends, hoomanity in general — an’ the Libra Noo Moon is a great time to figure how you mebbe contribyootin’ to your own difficulties, principally in ways that depend on howya deal with others.
In our ignorance, we can inflame an’ despoil without seein’ the link between our actions an’ their consequences.
But what is the Cardinal vibe but a clear-cut understandin’ of our responsibilities in this regard?
So, listen — getchya calendar out right away.
That is evrywan, Aries to Pisces.
An’ ink in, clear an’ bright, sumthin’ for the 9th like LEEBRA NOO MOON, SO EVEN MY BODY LANGUAGE COULD START AN INSURRECTION LESS’S I AM SWEET WITH MOST EVRYWAN I MEET.
Stay with that thought an’ I promise you gonna gain insight from the lunar spotlight.
Who Needs A Snake In The Grass Whenya Got A Scorpion In The Fyooture?
Natchrlly, no Octobah astrology summary would be complete without mentionin’ Hallowe’en — which also means considerin’ the switchout to Scorpio at month’s end.
Thing is, best Scorpio deals always come subtly foreshadowed, an’ if you look around through Octobah, you gonna see early signs that the Reaper Scorp is on its way.
Venus goes retro in Scorpio on the 6th — an augury which screams SHOP FOR DISCOUNTED LEATHERWARE FOR USE IN THE BOUDOIR ENVIRONMENT.
(At very least, decide whether you playin’ bat, cat or mystery shibboleth for Hallowe’en. Costooms take time to figure, an’ if you’re hirin’, prolly the best nightmare looks are already taken.)
Biggest Scorpio news is Mercury.
It’s with us from the 10th for the whole month, and its inflooence is kinda monster for such a small planet, primarily because it figures in plenty showdowns with other key celestial bodies.
If Libra asks us to look in on our communicative smarts from a diplomatic an’ lyrical perspective, Scorpio’s Mercury spins the real juicy sauce.
Straight off the block on the 11th, we see a rowdy opposition involvin’ Uranus in Taurus — an’ for sure I would wanna book that Thursday for as much hot passion as I can get my hands on.
But we gotta be careful here also.
Ain’t it troo how we seein’ way too much ‘bout people gettin’ their hands on passion? Mostly at sum other poor fucker’s expense?
Gotta remember always how any kinda blendyjuicy union gotta be consensual.
If’n it ain’t, it is a violent act — jus’ power an’ control an’ selfishness.
Way I see it, best deal with the Mercury in Scorpio vibe … as it rocks out against a justice-seekin’ Libra backdrop an’ a constructively death-dealin’ Capricorn sense of order an’ priorities … is how we gonna unearth more ‘bout alla the #MeToo narrative.
Story ain’t finished yet, an’ I figure Octobah’s planetary array lends itself to further revelations in this area — an’ mebbe shows how an even-handed an’ generous approach like we so often see in Libra people is way better for evrywan than relationships based on unfair or outrageous imbalance.
We shall see, I guess.
Go Load Up On The Yummy
Final highlight of note it the Taurus Full Moon on the 24th.
Gotta remember that although it may LOOK like a real nice cake, there ain’t no point tryin’ to pluck it from outta the sky an’ gobble it up bcs it is a real long way away.
Leaves gonna be stripped from most trees by then (an’ in places like Oz, mebbe the crustaceans gonna be outta their shells in their visually allurin’ beachwear), an’ we all gonna be lookin’ ahead to Winter, Christmas, financial ruin etc — so this moon mebbe gonna feel real comfortin’.
Partly, that is the Taurus vibe — big ol’ blankets, all snug in the cold — but also, like I said right at the start, Octobah got a real stabilisin’ undercurrent, an’ at month’s end is mebbe where the switchout from Summer’s frantic salsa gonna be felt most true.
Thing is, if’n you wanna figure your Octobah astro smarts day-by-day, best deal is to look in on my Today’s Astrology Story over on Twitter.
This is broad stargazy stuff for evrywan — my considerable astro expertise boiled down into 280 characters of indispensible augury.
So go check it out!
What is there to lose other than your reputation, sanity — an’ friends?
YOUR HANDY HOROSCOPE CHECKLIST
Gotta figure ifya gonna derive maxo benefit fromya horoscope you gotta imbibe its wisdom all proper.
Simply follow my super-practical 10-step Guide, an’ horoscope readin NIRVANA gonna be thine, tellya…
Douse me in sunlight.
Float me in air.
Breathe on me sweetly.
What else is there?