Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap
Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner
Scopes — May '18
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Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.
May 2018 is gone.
She is dust.
Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.
Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.
It is the past, an’ it is over.
Get frickin’ movin’…
March 21st to April 19th
tbh there is prolly only one story gowin’ down this month.
I got no desire to transformya horoscope into a movie theater showin’ only one movie, but that is kinda how it is.
We all affected, so I am turnin’ this month’s scopes into a mini survival guide for the forthcomin’ Taurus in Uranus epoch — principally cos I love the word ‘epoch’.
Tellya, ‘epoch’ sounds so weird it is like it is actschwlly from another epoch — unlike ‘texting’ or ‘consoomables’.
Anyways, big story for May cracks off as a kinda dour Capricorn-boosted Taurus Time rolls on through the Spring days till mebbe the 11th.
This is when the crazy shit begins — an’ as a confirmed precipice leaper, you gonna mebbe sense imminent crevasses ready to burst open beneathya feet.
So many killer planetary moves drop mid-May it is gonna be chaos.
Landscape shifts erratically, so now is time to see how quickya are on them impulsive toes you got.
Instability romps out on a shrieker, but all Arians got spoilers on the 13th — watch real close for shit as you somersault into the emergin’ Void.
From the 15th we got Uranus in Taurus — a major planetary shift with uncertainty at its core.
Could be excitin’ for Aries — but also mebbe frustratin’ bcs you gonna make plenty fruitless leaps demandya backtrack more often than usual.
Regular beer, irregular massage.
April 20th to May 20th
When the Sun entered your sign back in April, Venus sprayed glory ‘pon your world.
But in May, the Taurus story gets real serious.
You can mebbe feel the Capricornian wind atchya back, addin’ serious purpose to your donut-huntin’ wherewithal, but May’s girthy middle throws up incendiary planetary action gonna mebbe knockya around a little.
Or a frickin’ LOT.
Neptoon blessesya with a dreamo day on the 6th, but from here, there be plenty toughodilloes bustin’ outta the planetary array.
I will try to keep pace with alla that shit with my Today’s Astrology Story over on Twitter, but the main deal is Uranus swingin’ into your sign.
Like Joopiter in Scorpio (which we got till Autumn) Uranus in Taurus ain’t no easy match-up.
Whichever way you look at it, comin’ energies aggravate the hell outta one another.
Uranus gets to orbit in mud, Taurean stability is threatened.
What’s not to be pissed off about?
So listen — getchya life in order soon as you can.
Spend time askin’ yourself … what makes my world function sweet & what shit is essential to my wellbein’?
(Hot Tip — call a Virgo friend to help with this. Her advice will be invaluable, plus she won’t charge.)
That way, when things start to … *ahem* … fly around … you can mebbe ground yourself momentarily as the tornado rages.
Meantime, watch your spendin’, an’ take comfort from a happy coincidence drops a clarifyin’ Noo Moon smacko in Taurus jus’ as the Uranian Chaos Show bowls into town.
If unpredictability demands (or even generates) insight, Noo Moon is whammo on the money, tellya.
May 21st to June 20th
Get ready for gossip.
World gonna spin outta control this month with plenty consequence for evrywan.
Principally this is down to Uranus swingin’ into Taurus an’ messin’ with a whole buncha core fundamental stuffs.
You wanna bone up on the wider story, I figure Jessica Adams done a real fine summary here, so go check in on that before panickin’ in an informed manner.
Point is, from the 11th on through, May packs way too much serious shellshock power for flighty Geminis.
Heavens be fire an’ earth right now, which means less time for conductive sparky, more time for dodgin’ heavy dooty missiles.
Your Libra buddies will keepya smilin’, an’ Aquarius got her finger on the destabilisin’ pulse, so go seek these people out for Air-themed sustenance.
What does Uranus in Taurus mean?
For sure there is plenty stuff ‘bout finance an’ earthquakes, but I would wanna look in on how we gonna see faith tested.
Taurus is loyal, Uranus is not.
Inevitably that means sumthin’ like a split-second Gemini mood swing gonna grip the planet from time to time as hearts flip over to noo waysa seein’ stuff.
Might suitya long term, an’ there be plenty to get curious about.
But for now, deal is simple …
Look after your ass, Sweetie!
June 21st to July 22nd
For sum people, the current Earth-centric narrative be kinda restrictive.
Capricorn on high whups Taurus down below — an’ we all gotta get in line, kinda thing.
For Cancer, vibe is more like a landmark — a reliable reference point in a world all too often bustin’ out on mood.
Deal for May is how that reassuringly reliable Taurean stability gonna take a hit.
Uranus enters Taurus on the 15th, alongside a Noo Moo Moon.
This is not a natural planetary fit — an’ neither is it temporary.
Gonna mean an attitudinal shift from mebbe one setta established values to an order gonna seem routine in the fyooture but disruptive now.
Such changes ain’t always easy, but they is necessary for a propulsive hooman evolution means we don’t gotta spend too many centuries lost off tryin’ to invent the wheel or shampoo.
Main thing is, life could get kinda wappy for evrywan, which means more than the usual drain onya emotional reserves.
But it ain’t personal, so take heart.
Inevitable doom is kind that way.
Means prolly you can make with the apple pie an’ smiles without feelin’ you bein’ taken for a ride.
On a lighter note, Venus swoops into Cancer on the 19th so get ironin’ your lushest knickoes.
Are You Predicting Serious Amour, O Princess?
Your titties will never walk again, tellya.
July 23rd to August 22nd
K, Leo — time to summon a whole buncha courage.
I been talkin’ in my other scopes ‘bout the implications for Uranus in Taurus from the 15th — mostly stuff says this is a tricky planetary arrangement gonna mebbe impact on finance, earthquakes an’ pizza yadda yadda.
But for Leo there is an additional element.
Leo an’ Taurus are both fixed signs, an’ for all his eccentricity, Uranus rules over fixed Aquarius.
Sounds like a recipe for nailin’ shit but there is a disruptive energy here gonna penetrate deeper into your life thanya might want.
Principally I wanna look in on the Leo hearth — around whose warmin’ flames friends an’ fam gather thanks to creative shit you jus’ kinda pump out like a geyser.
Is it wind or tremor that shakes the flames like they mebbe gonna snuff in an instant?
More serious … whatchyoo gonna do if’n that happens?
Hey — I do not expect your house to fall in jus’ because Uranus an’ Taurus really ain’t no kinda smoochie match — but it is wise forya to countenance a weird kinda uncertainty close to your heart got no immediate solootion.
Mebbe nuthin’ gonna change — or mebbe bunnies will come a-rompin’ into your life, packin’ candy an’ impossibly invigoratin’ vibrators — but sumhow I think not.
11th to the 17th is a batshit crazy buncha planetary schwango, so be ready.
Dress up, quote Shakespeare, carry a cutlass.
August 23rd to Sepember 22nd
Prolly you seen Uranus in Taurus comin’ since mebbe 2008, but there is no harm in checkin’ over your 50-page Action Plan one more time.
Gotta figure the imminent storm — by turns financial chaos or major shifts in loyalty to ideas/people — got more’n the usual celestial fire-up roarin’ outta its ass, but I figure Virgo got a head start on the show.
Broad backdrop to the comin’ times is staunchly Earthy an’ the Uranian disruption threatenin’ to overturn life’s foundations ain’t mebbe too incomprehensibly quirky for a Mercurial Virgo eye to track.
Jus’ gonna take WORK, is all.
Which means alla your pernickety projects gonna be harder to pernicketify.
Distraction. Disruption. Irritation.
For Virgo, these things are real emotional drains, so as the Cosmic switchover fires up from May 11th, start factorin’ in extra slack to your routines.
It is so un-Virgo to set aside an hour each day for dowin’ NUTHIN’ — no work, no plannin’, no preparation — but it is a necessary evil for May an’ over the Summer.
Thinka your slack hour like a honey trap — hangin’ out on your fence waitin’ to pull in all the irritation an’ crap while leavin’ your cherished projects unfucked around with.
As the bullish Uranus vibe wastes on random minutes an’ moments, likely you will end up spendin’ no time dowin’ nuthin’ an’ still have time for all the cool stuff.
Limit Uranus in Taurus to an hour a day.
An’ please keep havin’ great lookin’ hair.
September 23rd to October 22nd
Who needs pan-dimensional poppycock anyways?
Tellya, you mebbe better off without that stuff for a while.
It’s difficult to administer, tastes kinda funny, an’ I know you don’t think it makesya fart too bad, but as your wise & honest astrologer friend, I gotta tellya evrywan in your tribe fears the approacha your butt cheeks like the worst kinda horror movie slasher.
Thb I dunno even what you do with that stuff.
Mother Cosmosis told me one time ‘bout sum special Libran rityool, but when I pressed her for detail she went kinda quiet.
All I know is, soon as Uranus swings into Taurus on May 15th, the pan-dimensional poppycock reservoir you depend on for succor gonna dry out sum.
Evrywan is affected by this planetary shift bcs it be an intrinsically destabilizin’ combo — much like any ultra unpopular cocktail fulla vodka an’ giraffe semen.
But there are sum killer strategies you can use to deal with the change — mostly involvin’ hidin’ under the frickin’ bed.
But srsly, expect 11-17th to be the kinda week you ain’t never gonna forget.
Major realignments above signal changes below, an’ this baby ain’t gonna play subtle.
Long as you ready for that, May is a doozy.
Extra flippant Librans may wanna purchase hot pants to wear as a statement says I am blissfully unaffected by all things equally — though tbh it won’t make no fuckin’ difference.
October 23rd to November 21st
In alla my scopes for May, I am endeavorin’ to power down the monetary chaos most astrologers be predictin’ cozza Uranus in Taurus an’ optin’ instead to consider a wider kinda loyalty malaise, but I figure Scorpio is the one sign most susceptible to the immediately cashflow-unfriendly deal gowin’ down here — an’ I wanted to be straight withya.
Uranus in Taurus both got fixed astrological roots, but their union is far from stable.
As a fixed sign, this instability is kinda problematic — especially for finance.
So for the moment forget alla the stuff about how Uranus gonna test long-standin’ loyalties (plus the deal also about a world noodle shortage, though I forget where I read that) — be sure to check in on alla your financial paperwork before May 11th an’ mebbe stash a few hundred bucks in loose notes under your bed jus’ in case Bitcoin trashes the world economy.
I trustya to do the necessaries, O Scorpionic death-disher, an’ ifya are especially thorough, may I suggest Friday 25th as a cool time to celebrate evrythin’ you done ever?
Dreamy Neptoon cosies up to Joopiter in your sign an’ opens out a whole noo emotional arena to explore.
So plz do not purchase a hamster.
Those guys are love sinks.
November 22nd to December 21st
Thing I love most ‘bout my (extra incisive an’ wise) regular monthly horoscopes?
Gotta be the part where I get to Sagittarius an’ can go let my hair down an’ don’t GAF.
That is not to say I am in any way cavalier ‘boutchya fyooture.
After all, I perfectly understand how your philosophical openness demands truth always from predictive smarts.
But, hey — we got sum real important business to figure this month, principally bcs Uranus makes a major planetary shift-out from Aries to Taurus.
The Aries vibe suited us centaur types but the Taurus deal ain’t so kind to nowan.
Nuthin’ bad intrinsically ‘bout either Uranus or Taurus (less’n you throwin’ a dinner party where portion size ain’t an issue), but as a combo it is mebbe like havin’ velcro panties an’ a real hairy fanjo.
Anyways, my point is how you gotta expect the already retro-chaotic 2018 vibe to spin out even more weirdsy from mid-May.
Evrywan is in on the ride, no one trooly knows where we be gowin’.
For Sajjos, this switchout from Aries is prolly more key to the deal that anythin’ Taurus gonna serve up for breakfast.
It been cool havin’ fire blowin’ outta the outer planet loop, but now we got nuthin’ but Earth an’ water.
That changes shit, Sweeties.
Self-reliance be tested.
December 22nd to January 19th
An’ lo, the heavens did bestow upon Capricorn even more dom gear.
Tbh the imminent Uranus in Taurus deal be like what happens sumtimes whenya order so much hardcore sex toys online thatchya get mailed a free Girthblaster dildo.
So much substantial planetary action rocks out in Capricorn right now it is hard to believe things could get any better for you — which is why another major shiftout to Earth energy is such big news for mountain-climbin’ goats to clutch to their hearts like ballsack-crazy devotees with extra large mouths teabag out regular.
But be warned.
This noo Earth ain’t the kindya normally see.
It lacks the usual solid substance … misses out on the Air-kissed dust deal … eschews the fiery lava vibe — an’ sumhow takes on a Mercurial feel, like it is quicksilver peat.
For sure, this noo Earth vibe is disruptive, unstable — mebbe even unkind.
But in the right hands it can be wrought into sumthin’ special — a perfect scenario for your inventive an’ determined prowess, O Capricorn.
Only problem is, time is limited.
Any noo thing you gonna pick up prolly means sum cherished project gotta be dropped.
That means difficult decisions.
So get prioritizin’ shit right away whileya still got pre-Uranian clarity to generate an Old Earth fyooture.
Evrythin’ changes from the 11th through 17th when the weighty imponderables thrust their opportoonities an’ restrictions ‘ponya outta noplace.
Let’s get Goaty …
January 20th to February 18th
Big nooz this month is Uranus in Taurus, an’ though I said I was gonna make this the theme for my horoscopes this month, tbh I am bored with alla that.
So before I move on to sumthin’ else, here is a summary detailin’ what to expect as the celestial dance troupe’s hippest mover shifts out his feet to the Zodiac sign controls all things donut an’ body hair.
1) Financial meltdown.
2) Tribal loyalties switch sides so evrywan hates each other in novel ways.
3) Mount Everest crashes through the Earth’s core an’ flies outta the Pacific Ocean westa Chile.
So, yeah — fuck alla that schwango.
Take Uranus outta the equation an’ we lookin’ at a kinda Aquarian reboot startin’ from the 16th as Mars heads your way.
That is an ultra useful energy boost — especially at a time when mosta the recent astrological action been kinda starved regardin’ Air.
This boost, alongside a solar switchout to Gemini for the last weeka May, puts real verve back inya step you mebbe ain’t visited in a while.
So whileya home planet is trashed out in loser Taurus for like an age, you at least got temporary consolation from a momentary buzz gonna put a smile onya face like a musical hunny bee.
If’n you want srs day-to-day Uranian analysis, head over to Twitter where my Today’s Astrology Story feature dishes the astrological narrative as it happens.
Stay in touch. Stay in tune. Stay in shape.
February 19th to March 20th
tbh I got no idea why I bother with Pisces scopes.
You guys’re pretty much oblivious to most things gowin’ down so what in hell does it matter?
Who cares if Uranus makes a major planetary shift into Taurus, thus heraldin’ what ancient astrologers called a protoplasmic epoch?
These are times when culinary miracles transform the planet — like when hoomans discovered how to convert wheat into bread or invented the outdoor barbecue.
An’ right now, the omens point to a revolution in powdered soup.
For sure this sounds ultra non-Taurean an’ mebbe goes against the current authentic hipster vibe, butchya gotta remember Uranus packs disruptive energies, so anythin’ goes right now.
Remember also how Uranus rules humanitarian Aquarius.
World still ain’t fed too good despite alla the McDonalds burgers hand-ironed in the US, an’ real tasty powdered soup could trooly revolutionize the global aid effort — particularly if the soup guys figured smarted flavors than FRICKIN’ CARDBOARD.
*Princess lifts Pisces’ left eyelid, but the gal still asleep*
Thing is, most relief efforts are hampered by complex delivery protocols.
Crates gotta be loaded onto airplanes an’ shipped out by road, rail or parachute to where supplies’re most needed.
Flyin’ soup tureen fixes alla that schwango.
You got a buncha helicopters fulla powdered soup, those guys can fly out to a flyin’ tureen fulla boilin’ water an’ sprinkle in the good stuff on a visually excitin’ air display ticket.
Then all you gotta do is hover the tureen over anyplace the soup is needed — an’ pour.
*Princess lifts Pisces’ right eyelid, but the gal still asleep*
Did I mention a trooly yummy aspect between Neptoon in Pisces an’ Joopiter in Scorpio on the 25th?
No … I guess I did not …
Sorry, time is all gone.
Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?
No matter how specialya thinkya are.
So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.
YOUR HANDY HOROSCOPE CHECKLIST
Gotta figure ifya gonna derive maxo benefit fromya horoscope you gotta imbibe its wisdom all proper.
Simply follow my super-practical 10-step Guide, an’ horoscope readin NIRVANA gonna be thine, tellya…
Douse me in sunlight.
Float me in air.
Breathe on me sweetly.
What else is there?