Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap
Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner
Scopes — March '18
How This Works
Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.
March 2018 is gone.
She is dust.
Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.
Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.
It is the past, an’ it is over.
Get frickin’ movin’…
WELCOME TO THE ASTROLOGER BUM-OUT ZONE!
Super apologies dispensed with a fuckin’ barrel, but I only got real diminished horoscopes forya this month.
Partly this is because I been Naughty Sagittarian Princess an’ messed up on my schedule thanks to a spontaneous bliss-out session las’ week when Neptoon an’ Venus rolled out the dreamysmoochie in Pisces.
But also … I am deluged with offers to write shit for people in my capacity as Gal Who Can Prolly Spell Sumtimes.
What this means for anywan checkin’ in to get their hands on my thrustasmal horoscope boners is a scenario more akin to shriveled dick pulled outta a bath tub fulla mulled vodka after a 72 hour immersion session.
But, hey — jus’ cos I ain’t got nuthin’ evrywan can really sink their teeth inta don’t mean there ain’t nuthin’ astrologically sweet to suck on with a view to maxin’ out on eventual tumescence an’ Squirty Squirty.
So here’s my plan …
Gonna offer up a brief March digest — a kinda catch-all astro synopsis for Bunny Month in its entirety.
Then mebbe I will proffer summa my trademark wise astro counsel, Zodiac by Zodiac, jus’ so’s nowan feels sufficiently cheated to wanna hunt me down with electrified nipple clamps an’ a bazooka.
Gotta hope that gonna satisfy evrywan’s astrolust …
Biggest deal for March, I guess, is the annual swingout from Olde Astrocycle to Shiny Noo Puppy Astrocycle.
We got Pisces on a roll rn, linkin’ together alla our life plot threads from March 2017 an’ unravelin’ more for the forthcomin’ Aries fireball like the gal’s hair in The Shape of Water as she sinks into the depths with her aquatic lover.
Truth is, our lives are as hair billowin’ in subterranean water — strands caught in the deepest ebb an’ flow the Zodiac packs.
Tellya, when the Equinox drops, it is the most dynamic switchout we got from one Zodiac to another — sublime submission becomes divine intervention … with plenty violence an’ shameless cussin’ along the way to please alla the bloodlust aficionados.
So here’s sum shit I wrote out las’ year ‘bout this most incendiary cyclic flipover …
Spring Equinox kicks off Spring Fever — an’ here’s where I dish the practical smarts for powerin’ up Body, Mind, Spirit, Mojo & Drive with my Aries-themed 5-Point Action Plan.
See? I already droppin’ way more astro firepower than a regular horoscope — an’ I ain’t even wrote out nuthin’ noo yet.
Mother Cosmosis terms this my Natural Talent Factor — though to be fair, such praise typically manifests itself only when she needs help with sumthin’, like formattin’ Word docs for Kindle or gettin’ fluff outta her hoover.
Anyways, point is … Spring Fever gonna be with us, evry one, an’ for plenty people it mebbe offers rejuvenatin’ succor after a buncha real hardcore months.
For sure, Joopiter in Scorpio an’ Saturn in Capricorn still swingin’ evrywan round by their titties, but Aries drops the initiative fair an’ square upon individual enterprise, so we gonna see more freedom to squeal what we wanna as we spin haplessly in a blur.
General narrative over, let’s look in on the specifics.
Gotta figure evry astrologer lifts out different stuff for analysis an’ commentary, but here’s how I see shit playin’ out.
We got challenges, we got opportoonity — an’ sumtimes they both dished up as one.
March 1st — Plenty superfeelysmarts droppeth right offa the bat. We got Venus in Pisces trinin’ the fuck outta Joopiter in Scorpio as Mercury in Pisces sexts Plooto in Capricorn. What does this mean? Plz do not film yrself havin’ sex cos if your relationship bombs this gonna be the ultimate revenge porn nightmare, tellya.
March 2nd — Now it is Mercury’s turn to trine the fuck outta Joopiter … jus’ as the Full Moon in Virgo picks out alla the details with her incisive glow. If’n you felt adrift through Febrooary cozza alla the fizzy-headed Aquarian action an’ the dissolved brain Pisces vibe, today mebbe the first for weeks you gonna put on your undergarments the right way round. Virgoan clarity, magnified an’ expressed. What a treat.
March 4th — Sun & Neptoon power up in Pisces alongside Mercury. Great day for creative eurekacraft, even if it is only singin’ dumb Disney songs as unrelentin’ torment crushesya underfoot. Ha! Only kiddin’! Best Sunday in an age, tellya.
March 6th — Defo a Spring Fever trailer as Mercury an’ Venus swing out wild into Aries. Enjoy the catalytic brio while it lasts. This is a short an’ sweet fling fulla heady excitement before mebbe the week turns less incendiarist-friendly.
(Btw, if’n you enjoyin’ these briefo astro blasts, I got ‘em rollin’ out daily as Today’s Astrology Story over on Twitter. In my recent interview for Unblinkered Visionary Spazzbrain magazine, top astro reporter Genevieve Fundus said these daily tweets were “lifeblood sucked from a dying Cosmos and pumped with orgiastic fervor into a stunningly accurate Frankensteinian speculation machine” — but tbh I figure the gal tryin’ to pimp her unpublished novel rather than Moi.)
March 9th — Joopiter goes retrograde. Likely there gonna be a whole buncha screamin’ from the usual pissypants astrologer person suspects ‘bout how retro equates to bleak calamity, but I wantchya to know I am onya side as an eternal optimist an’ I figure worst case scenario is you haveya skin flayed off by a fuckin’ demon. Srsly though, evry retro is an opportoonity to level upya talents. It is fun to cruise, for sure, but when fate thrusts power stuffs under the lens & forcesya to squint, gotta figure you be stronger in the long run. Mean time, you ain’t made no will or insured evrythin’ you got, now would be a cool time to panic.
March 11th — Great day for fire signs as Mars an’ Uranus flare up an’ spit lava … with a firepower Mercury sackin’ Saturn like a flamin’ dragonfly swarm takin’ on the Death Star. Great capacity for wrath an’ destruction here, but like the retro deal, if’n you can smart out on the energy wave, prolly incandescent genius gonna smelt sumthin’ wondrous outta rage’s ore. For Moi, prolly means I gonna carbonize a Jamie Oliver salad before droppin’ my bowl on the floor.
March 13th — Arian assault theme continues as a red-blooded Venus takes on the juggernaut Saturnine Capster. Check in here to get the lowdown on the big time Capricorn narrative grindin’ the shit outta the planet through 2020 — an’ how resolootion gonna carry you through. tbh you can take today two ways. Play defense, an’ you mebbe find long term plans under short term (& violent) threat. Play attack, an’ you merely powering’ through with a long haul direction figured slowly over the past 6 months or so. But that is my personal take, K? As I understand it, Bethany Wiccasplatz predicts a hair gel resurgence allied to motorcycle helmet chic.
March 13th BONUS — A watery Sun/Joopiter trine is promised but the fuck I know what’s gowin’ on there. Gimme time to make shit up, K? Prolly I will drop sumthin’ live on Twitter, Tumblr or Medium. Depends if’n I been drinkin’ so much fartsy-ass gin I am confined to the bathroom.
March 17th — Noo Moon drops in Pisces an’ I figure for the softer Zodiacs it is mebbe disappointin’ she never rolled along earlier before Mercury & Venus went M.I.A. Still gonna be a killer time to make sweet promises to yourself — bold & people-centred visions got power to flourish alongside the deep Scorpio & Capricorn vibes flowin’ outta the Zodiac’s arch enterprise & consolidation combo. But be in no doubt — this Moon got an eye on the Spring Equinox & she is feelin’ horny for renewal.
March 20th — Ever get the feelin’ astrology been rigged? For sure, the Sun in Aries powers up the feisty fireball feel, but notice how Mars got reeled in by strategic ol’ Capricorn in the run-up? Gotta figure bein’ offa the leash for Spring 2018 comes with wider restrictions. So spank my ass & show me the ascendable mountains on offer why dontchya?
March 23rd — Mercury retrograde? Again? Don’t that scrawny fucker ever give up? Like I said earier ‘bout all things retro, this is mebbe a proactively generous test. Gotta figure this baby gonna be less ‘bout computer klutz an’ more ‘bout careless words an’ violent proclamations. Best advice I can give is … listen to Trump & don’t say nuthin’ stoopid like that fucker. Armin’ teachers? What a fuckin’ cuntbrain!
(When we reach this point in the month, we got four planets in Aries — same kinda saturation we seen in recent months for other signs. I figure this is all Capricornian strategizin’ — like a real sharp Granpappy gowin’ through a decka cards one at a time so’s his grandkids grow to be killer poker players an’ keep him in dentures & hot chicks till he’s 159.)
March 24th — Car crash. Stay in bed. Slitya pets’ throats outta love.
March 29th — This one is real special, but also real volatile. Gotta figure Uranus in Aries got a singularly reckless vibe, but a kissup with a similarly fiery Venus jus’ might bring out the idealistic innocent in sum people. So pitch for naive beauty today & make like a moderately petulant lamb. Or even a goat. This is Aries Noo Moon stuffs for later in April, but I figure it captures the vibe prolly be on offer today for anywan with nakedly innocent verve. Kinda helps that an Arian Sun is next in line to take a pop at Saturn today, so go fix up sumthin’ cool.
March 31st — From outta the violent flames there bursteth … loonpants fuckin’ minstrels. Libra Full Moon an’ Venus oozin’ into Taurus can only mean one thing. Power up the music, throw onya flared pants, paintchya skin all rainbow — an’ go fuckya tinglydanglies off in the park.
So, hey — sincerest apologies once again that you ain’t got no personal forecast this month, but mebbe that kinda fits the emergin’ vibe.
With tresses billowin’ in the lushest sargasso, you mebbe gotta make your own way back to dry land an’ fiery sunsets — preferably without cussin’ Moi too much for bein’ so genuinely lame I oughta be chained up in the stocks.
Main thing is, astrology revs up the options for evrywan, same as ever.
Dishes challenge an’ opportoonity — an’ says go step out, go choose.
I figure anywan lookin’ for the last few daysa their Febroooary scopes gonna be doubly disappointed with this month’s hollow offerin’ because I posted early.
Please feel free to rage an’ storm for a few mins, cussin’ my ass like a flyin’ squirrel is flyin’squirrelier than a fuckin’ hovercraft — then mebbe check out my Archivismo Section for Febroooary’s last minute Astrodribbles From Above.
NEED HOT TIPS FOR GETTIN’ THE MOST OUTTA YOUR HOROSCOPE?
March 21st to April 19th
Whatchoo lookin’ in here for?
Didn’t I say there was nuthin’ this month?
That is whatchya get for bein’ impulsive, I guess.
Oh, butchya know I lovesya so.
April 20th to May 20th
Now here’s a weirdsy thing.
Why is it that Taurus rolls in second in the Zodiac hierarchy?
We got Aries first, cos they fastest offa the block, an’ mebbe you might expect summa the speedybuzzy signs like Gemini an’ Virgo to zap along in the slipstream.
But this ain’t what happens!
Steada the whizzo Zodiacs, we get not especially zippy Taurus.
Why is that?
Hey, I dunno — it was jus’ a thought.
Mebbe you wanna ponder this philosophical humdinger next time you stuffin’ your face with pizza for 215.
May 21st to June 20th
How in hell do you guys multitask typin’ at speed with procurin’ nails that could pierce Titanium?
Be sure to return in April for spirit-gasmin’ astro insights hacked out by a gal gotta wear fuckin’ mittens.
June 21st to July 22nd
Gotta hope 2018 is gowin’ OK an’ you ain’t been spammed with lousy free underwear offers.
If Fate been unkind this way, check your May 2017 Horoscope for a handy complaint letter template you can use to tell 2018’s Destinymongers where to go shove their asshole take on fortune.
July 23rd to August 22nd
Ooh ooh ooh, my smoochiesponge!
Soak me up! Bliss me out! Fix my frickin’ hairdryer!
August 23rd to Sepember 22nd
Gotta figure you gonna be real pissed off your personal horoscope ain’t gowin’ nowhere this month — but equally pleased I been so incalculably diligent writin’ other stuff that I been too darn busy even to try.
Gotta figure las’ thing you wanna read is how your favo astrologer ducked out on the predictive acumen manifestationalizin’ cos she enrolled in a lame dollmakin’ class.
Tellya, nuthin’ feels worse than knowin’ your spirityool development takes second place to a fancy mannekin crafted so beyond wanko it resembles a contortionist fell headfirst from a tall buildin’.
September 23rd to October 22nd
Was it Keats who said
in lyrical vein shall I wander /all wonder and grace to ponder
faraway and beyonder / no majesties do I find fonder?
No, waitaminute — that is the inscription on my bestie’s fave dildo.
October 23rd to November 21st
Hmmm, so it is Pisces Season …
50 bux says you already seen so much action you can’t walk straight.
November 22nd to December 21st
K, so this is the deal.
Like I said at the start, I been too busy this month to power up my regular monthly horoscopes to their Full Glory settin’ an’ I am jus’ fillin’ in sum crap for eacha the Zodiacs so’s they don’t get too pissed off with my scrawny ass.
But we Sajjos are special people — sum people even say we are the best (an’ what makes this deal so cool is how it is precisely we Sajjos who say this, thus demonstratin’ our total mastery over what other loser Zodiacs dismissively term subjectivity) — an’ so I got a special hot nooz treat tucked away here ‘specially for us rompostompo centaur types where nowan else can see.
*takes deep breath*
*fans face with hummingbird palm*
Las’ night I dreamt I was suckin’ off Benedict Cumberbatch while he ironed my bedroom curtains.
How fuckin’ cool is that?
December 22nd to January 19th
Yeah yeah — so you still own the place.
What else is noo?
January 20th to February 18th
Tellya, it’s real sweet you stopped by to check in on your horoscope — but shouldn’t you be busy inventin’ sumthin’ genius?
World is rockin’ from global warmin’, genocide, pollution, an’ the fuckin’ Kardashians — so why not go create a nanoTamagotchi for patrollin’ pubic hair?
We got a whole buncha sekshoally transmitted diseases on the rise rn, an’ I figure plenty people would pay good money for a rovin’ miniature Cunny Buddy or Rod Steward gonna peck out the crabs an’ viral gungepolyps.
February 19th to March 20th
Tellya, I would so love to be you right now.
Ain’t it exotically upliftin’ when alla the sweeto planets head on over your way?
Gotta figure even ifya splitchya pants in a crowded mall you ain’t gonna care!
Sorry, time is all gone.
Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?
No matter how specialya thinkya are.
So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.
Douse me in sunlight.
Float me in air.
Breathe on me sweetly.
What else is there?