Horoscope Archive March 2017<span class="sdata2" title="2017-07-01T11:19:07+00:00"></span>

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

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Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — Mar '17

How This Works

Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

March 2017 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

horoscopes with predictions for fortune in march
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I Wannit


Gotta Have It


Sounds Excitin’


I Am Here


Me! Me! Me!


This one.


Ready To Tune In


Dish It Straight


Show Me The Neato




Here’s Lookin’ Atya


Pitch Me The Fluffy


March 21st to April 19th

Remember the scene in Killer Batshit Attack IV where the hero is trapped in the Demon Lord’s dungeon? Yanno, the one where a zillion gallonsa toxic batshit comes squirtin’ outta the walls? I figure that is how early March gonna feel most years for you Aries types. Alla that gloopsy Piscean liquid slooshin’ all over, dousin’ onya flame!

But, hey — fuck alla that, cos floatin’ in this year’s winged rodentbeest swamp is a MAGIC BLOWTORCH. So go grab it, an’ prepare for…

The Impossible Aries Batshit Dungeon Escape!

(You got a dog or a cat you trained up, now is a great moment to have ‘em bark or meow sum suitably dramatic music. Personally, I would recommend the unsettlin’ ditty cracks off in Star Wars evry time Vader swanks out lookin’ mean, but ifya wanna run with sumthin’ from La La Land jus’ to be difficult/hip, then I am not gonna stand inya way. Prolly a cat would prefer that kinda music, I dunno. I am not a frickin’ botanist.)

Anyways, March 5th, Mars trines Saturn an’ this is when the Pisces undercurrents gonna sweepya past where the blowtorch is hangin’ offa the dungeon wall. You got one chance to grab it an’ level up. Gonna be an instant effect, empowerin’ you with the full-on Aries blasto factorya need to…

…spend a lotta time burnin’ off alla the batshit. Hrmppph.Truth be told, I would want for this escape scenario to feature alla the usual puzzles, levers an’ secret knobs, but starta March is a batshit burn-off marathon an’ you got jus’ one job. So stay the course, train upya blowtorch skills, an’ prepare for the Sun to burn through the dungeon wall in time for the Spring Equinox. That’s when the full-on Aries stuff cracks off. Enda the month, you gonna be zingin’ as a whole hosta planets swoop their conjoined orbits down onya.

You wanna motivational mantra gonna swing it forya? K, so how about

Vaporize the poop, rise up an’ make big time flamethrower attackz!

Also, check in on this unbelievably detonatin Fire fest blaaahg post for added Flamegazmo.

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April 20th to May 20th

Yanno that ON switchya got? The one turnsya ON whenya switch it? The one powersya up from a bovine eatin’ an’ sleepin’ machine inta a bovine eatin’ an’ sleepin’ TORNADO? Good news is, Mother Cosmosis gonna flip hard on that all-action switch in March an’ rock outya energy levels so Big Time that evryone inya circle PROLLY MIGHT NOTICE!

“FFS, what is the deal with Flimbo?* His breathin’ an’ heartrate’re so erratic I can actually feel him existin’!

“Holy crapola! Ponksypoops* jus’ licked alla the sugar offa that donut like sum Olympic athlete bustin’ out for gold!”

* I am runnin’ with clearly fictitious names here, jus’ so’s no one thinks I am gettin’ at ‘em all personal. Ifya name is Flimbo or Ponksypoops, then sorry. Actchsly, super sorry — gotta figureya life is real difficult, ‘specially when alla that embarrassment an’ anger makesya do sumthin’ stoopid enoughta getchya self arrested an’ the cops ask forya name

Thing is, Mars unleashes his firecracker thrustpower onya Friday 10th, jus’ in time for the weekend, transformingya inta a MINOTAUR COLOSSUS primedta RAMPAGE. Butya gotta channelya energies wisely or shit gonna get busted. Full Moon Virgo on the 12th delivers that focus. Point to remember is how the planetary menage-a-neuf is leadin’ with fire an’ water right now, so traditionally Earthtastic endeavors like buildin’ an’ hoardin’ stuff gonna mebbe dissipateya energizin’ Martian mojo. So I would wanna fix up allaya relationships (Joopiter is retro in Libra, remember, so this needs sum thinkin’ ‘bout anyways) an’ any attack or defense strategiesya got. So touch base with evryone inya groop, remind ‘em what a fuckin’ dependable superpersonya are, check on shit like insurance an’ better deals on allaya essentials — phone, TV channels, shampoo. An’ yeah — pull in plentya action in the sack also. Wholea March, you gonna be to tactile stimulation what Genghis Khan wasta genocide — an’ that is sum delish recipe for blendyjuicy, tellya.

Shit don’t work out like I said, do not blame Moi. I am only Mother Cosmosis’ herald. You got any issues, mebbe adapt my handy Astro Complaint Form.

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May 21st to June 20th

Elegant an’ witty reportage, delivered with silver tongue, mebbe even sequined legwear — this is what little Geminis are made of. Even the big ones. Thing is, there is plenty gowin’ down right now gonna giveya sum decent raw material. Don’t matter ifya are a strictly Chat Only Jemmo, fillin’ air an’ text box alike with lively observations, or a writer / presentational Jemmo makin’ with the same deal to a wider audience than random strangers in the mall, the deal forya this month is alla the drama bustin’ outta the Zodiacal switch from Piscean enda old cycle to Arian startupa the next noo astrological phase. Ba-dum Tiiiiish! There is mucho change in the air, a steamy fogga fire an’ water stuffed fulla volatile emotes. So whip outya tongue, prime pen an’ keyboard for action, smile yabest smile for the camera — an’ go dish it.

Jus’ gotta watch for the 5th when all mannera super Piscean slooshie holds sway as the Sun an’ Neptoon make with a momentary tango. Prolly you gonna be way outta your depth on all fronts today, so hire mebbe a dozen movies — an’ a lock-up trunk fulla pillows whereya can hide away an’ watch ‘em.

Jus’ gotta watch for frazzlin’ yourself out along the way. I would not wanna seeya flirtsyin’ around the place withya hair stickin’ out on end an’ your eyes popped wider open than durin’ the perfect Noo Partner Love Machinery Reveal. So go easy on allaya favo stimulants — ‘specially caffeine-based products such as…uhm…coffee, or alcohol an’ mind-bendin’ consoomables like, I dunno, mint-flavored candy. Stickin’ to your everyday ditzo levels gonna be key, cos ifya flip out all anxious an’ jumpy right now, it ain’t gonna be so good. Actchsly, you might even wanna consider drinkin’ more milk an’ throwin’ on undergarments with mebbe more material substance than mere vapor.

Meanwhile, ifya are bored, my Tumblr Blog got plentya pretty stuff to look at, jus’ in case this site is ever trashed in a Zombie Apocalypse.

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June 21st to July 22nd

Yanno how things move in discernable epochs? How, one minute, evryone is walkin’ out in red shoes, an’ the next minute, they switchedta blue? I guessya are kinda like that on a micro level, switchin’ an’ changin’, adaptin’ an’ adjustin’, as the emotional soupya callya life demands ofya ever more subtly empathetic responses. In that senseya are not so much an epoch person as kinda all over the frickin’ place, but that is no bad wayta be in an ever-changin’ Cosmos, ‘specially as your focus is the needsa other people, alla which is karma-friendly an’ cool.

That said, this month, Mother Cosmosis gonna bowlya a bona fide epoch. She dug it outta her treasure locker ‘specially forya, an’ even tied it with a bow — an’ I gotta apologize straight off cos I cut the bow open thinkin’ her gift was for Moi. Sun in Pisces always messes me up, tellya. No point tryin’ to sew it back together cos I am crap that way, so you jus’ gonna haveta imagine it is still there — which is kinda fortunate cos I know how talented y’are in that area. So by waya sincere apology, I am not gonna reveal the bow’s color. Why spoil the fun? You got free rein on this one, baby.

Point is, it is Recipe Season. We are done with dinin’ only on gruel an’ turnips through Winter’s unrelentin’ freezo, an’ it is now timeta start plannin’ your Spring Equinox Salad Itinerary. I figure when Dale Carnegie wrote that schmalzy booka his, he never thoughta salad bein’ onea the top three waysta make friends an’ inflooence people. Evryone you got knows how good y’are at lookin’ after ‘em, an’ ifya stickta the gruel plan (cos FFS it is the kinda economical option best helpsya load up with alcohol an’ chocolate) they are mebbe gonna leaveya for sum smart Aquarian been barbecuin’ burgers in ten foota snow since November. (If that is a problem forya, DM Moi on Twitter an’ I will writeya an inspirin’ verse.)

Way I see it, come enda March, you gotta stay aheada the game sum. You wanna draw in, close up, snuggle down, an’ wrapya arms round alla your people — an’ starta the month got plentya Pisces squishy gonna helpya do that. But fires rage far off, an’ Spring gonna unleash Arian mayhem once again. It’s a necessary catalyst for evryone, an’ ifya can stay aheada the game by unleashin’ the salad before evryone else, people gonna figureya are sum real smart cookie as they buzz about the place like crazed hornets.*

*Ifya are in Alaska, or sum other place got Spring calibrated all weird an’ unsalady, jus’ substitoot gnocchi. No one will frickin’ notice, prom.

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July 23rd to August 22nd

What is it with horoscopes an’ death? I mean, srsly? Prolly evryone had onea these sum time in the past, yanno, kinda “prepare now for the Reaper’s arrival, for he is sure to visit you this month in some capacity” or “hide your cat in the attic, and keep her safe from masked marauders who would do her harm”. Tellya, this stuff is all over — an’ it is real creepy. Problem is, there is way loadsa death shootin’ around right now — not specifically deatha people, cos that is an eternal featurea life — but more kinda metaphorical death, along with cherished projects gone klutzoid.

Beginnings an’ endings are what propel the hooman soul forward. An’ here in March it is like sumone took alla the best Start to Finish rides from outta the zaniest spirityool theme park ever an’ said, “to hell withya actual life — climb in the seat, throw onya helmet an’ harness, an’ prepare for G force gonna makeya face ripple like some porn stud’s ballsack.” Gotta face it Leo, plentya your recent creative energies have ended up in dead end Nowheresville, an’ prolly summa the stuffya got gowin’ inya pussywussy head asya read these words gonna go pear-shapeder than if we hung Shrek upside down for a week an’ alla his vital organs ended up hoggin’ his feet.

Thing is, it is not your fault. K, somea it is (especially anythin’ to do with forgotten birthday gifts — or the Final Calculations Report ifya are onea the science Leos workin’ on howta stop asteroids collidin’ with Los Angeles), but that is the deal we got, an’ nuthin’ is no direct attack ‘ponya easily hurt pride. Jus’ hang on while the Noo Moods settle down, an’ you gonna have a clearer idea bout howta make withya finely-tooned creative energies. The Aries fire boost gowin’ down in Mars gonna lastya mebbe 10 days inya tank, but then a whole lot more fire gonna seep throughya cracks an’ power upya Sparky for the Equinox.

Gowin’ gets too hangdog (or hangcat) forya, I got big time motivational Fire reflections happnin’ over on my blog jus’ here.

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August 23rd to Sepember 22nd

Summaya been in touch on Twitter askin’ why the the Horoscope sectiona my online Astrological Adventure ain’t split up inta the usual LOVE, CAREER, LUCK kinda deal. I guess it is cos I am morea a combinatorial person than a splitter aparter, plus also, I am not exactly usual. But if I wereta dish the astro analysis thusly, prolly I would start with Virgo — an’ be super pernickety ‘bout it.

So — areya in for this, Virgo? Experimental dissection allied to a traditional ticket? K, then hitch upya pants, throw onya monocle — an’ get ready for MARCH!


Go get sum. Jan an’ Feb been grindin’ onya an’ you deserve a break.


You got a wide-lens panoramic view right now as emotional squabbles fizz an’ bubble at arm’s length. Cut to the detail an’ prepare for massacre.


Full Moon in Virgo, March 12th. Booby doo.


Fine-tooned, as ever. I figureya count calories like it was a frickin’ bloodsport.


Las’ month’s Pisces Noo Moon brought transformation for all. Your cat goes wappo this month, do not blame her. It is not personal.


This is a great timeta take in a buncha romance movies — an’ savor the continooity errors.


Spring Equinox is sumtimes blustery, an’ I know howya gotya hat restraint strap on order years in advance, but Versace pulled a fast one at a low key fashion show in Paris starta Jan, an’ this year’s color for straps is now burnished mahogany ‘steada summer breeze , so you might wanna re-order less’n you wanna trashya reputation for bein’ right about evrythin’.


Areya usin’ too much right now? Checkya wallchart, weighya toothpaste, review the portion calculations. Sun in Pisces this month meansya mebbe gonna feel it out rather than dispense the paste with calculated accuracy — alla which gonna impact onya wallet unnecessarily an’ leaveya mintier-smellin’ than a Yeti’s cleavage.


Warmer weather is comin’, an’ even ifya live in the Arctic (which you prolly gonna needta if ya don’t SORT THE FRICKIN’ TOOTHPASTE), there is always the swim pool, alla which means preparin’ your butt for public devourin’. Remember, the deal here for Virgo is Tastefully Allurin’ rather than Twerktastic Gapeland, so you should moisturize, tone up, an’ letcha natural beauty shine on through. Guys, you gotta pluck even.

This work? Or d’ya want I go backta regular scopin’ in April? Mebbe DM Moi on Twitter.

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September 23rd to October 22nd

Yanno the moment whenya passionate mojo goes F-twango whilya are pluckin’ hard? When halfway through twangeroonifyin’ a lyrical renditiona sum heartfelt Michael Buble ballad onya lute you hit the bust strings nosedive disaster zone — an’ your adorin’ audience ups an’ leavesya for the way more frickin’ excitin’ Capricorn guy gonna flashya a look at his pet iguana for $5 an’ deliver a one hour lecture ‘bout reptilian sex techniques?

Yeah — so wipe that smarmy smile offaya face an’ prepare for March.

Actschly, you got a double nosedive gowin’ down, an’ while I am perfectly aware that such things’re typically high on the lista evry Libran’s Gobblecraft Must-haves, what is comin’ this time ain’t anyaya tinglydangly booby doo. Asya know, Joopiter gone nutzoid in Libra, meanin’ the cool an’ easy charmya got kinda jus’ got sawdust dumped all over it, but now Frickin’ Venus gonna join in an’ rileya out big time by goin’ retro over in Aries. Pooper!

Coupla planets retrograde for Libra!

Never hasya bonhomie been feebler!

You’re a total social klutz,

Smooth as coconuts —

an’ this nightmare gonna last till fuckin’ EASTER.

Uh oh — the Cosmos done bust Libra!

From what inspirational wookiehole shallest thou obtainify thy most joyousa cholers?

Princess Balestra’s Emergency Guide For Seriously Fucked On Librans

I wanna helpya out here, but I figure there is sum real anti-Libran conspiracy gowin’ on up there in the heavens.

Mercury an’ the Sun both head overta Aries enda the month for further Libra carpet bombin’.

Wouldya do me the honora comin’ back here next month forya obituary?

Meantime, go review the inspirational blaaahg post I wrote out starta 2017. It has evrythin’ you needta thinkyaself back onya feet ifya get laid out flat an’ concussed inta a sulk. Kinda poignant how this post is entitled FUCK OFF! Go survive the onslaught; go live the dream!

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October 23rd to November 21st

I figureya are onea the most perceptive people readers in the Zodiac. As a Sajjo, I always endeavor to be positive an’ energizin’ with evryone, seizin’ on initiatives PERFECT for advancin’ the ideals an’ lifestylesa alla my besties, an’ I envy you the uncanny ability you got for knowin’ when not to say cunt an’ shit. I figure a little Scorpio intooition would help me out sum, but I also know how loadin’ up on Scorpio servingsa Scorpio is a way different ball game. There is readin’ people, an’ there is wakin’ evry day with their souls half dissolved inya own heart, like you got sum inbuilt precog organ jus’ belowya ribcage can’t switch the receptive deal off.

What does this mean for March? I guessya gotta prepare yourself for the big time emotional flipper gonna whap the pinball as revved-up Pisces action dissolves into an Arian onslaught in time for the Spring Equinox. The heavens’re real polarized right now, an’ all sorsta renewin’ upheaval from last month’s Noo Moon in Pisces gonna find its fire, like sum aggressive Kickstarter campaign gone viral. So prolly you gotta dropya portcullis an’ bar allaya doors, cos sum real hardcore passion an’ aggression gonna want to tease its way insideaya — an’ that is gonna fuck on your own schemes an’ machinations for world domination, mebbe even poisonya soul.

Nonea this starts right out, cos March is Pisces time, an’ although the feelsy energies are in overdrive right now, you are sympathetic to their aquatic flipsy wipsy. Big change comes later with the Equinox, so you mebbe wanna use the Full Moon in Virgo weekenda the 11-13th to performa a clinical checkaya psychic protection hardware — an’ yeah, that includes the frickin’ catflap.

Bruce Lee famously thoughta his approachta kickin’ the shit outta people as havin’ a watery element at its core. Personally, I figure it was jus’ a strategyta prevent himself gettin’ dehydrated as he skipped about in loon pants, makin’ with the srsly heavy dooty athleticism. But listen, you want sum watery energy gonna sustainya, mebbe check out this Pisces-themed blaaahg post for inspiration.

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November 22nd to December 21st

Wanna know what pisses me? Sagittarius got onea the most clearcut an’ direct astrological symbolsa the Zodiac. You got an ARROW, FIRIN’ OFF. What elseya wanna know? K, so let’s get fancy an’ throw in a frickin’ bowa sum kind — longbow, crossbow, ogre-powered arbalest. It’s an adornment mebbe, but evryone still gets the deal — unlike alla that FFS what is gowin’ on? schwango Leo an’ Capricorn got. What is the deal with the hieroglyphics there? These weirdo shapes sposedta link together sumhow an’ make a cock ring? Point is, Sajjos got a real opportoonity to be frank an’ direct, butya twat it all up evry timeya try bein’ fancy.

“For sure, I got the bow an’ arrow deal,” you boast, “but I am also a centaur — a scientifically impossible half hooman, half horse. Yet also, fully crazy!

Tellya, this visyool is a frickin’ nightmareta illustrate. I cannot even draw frickin’ fingers proper, let alone the deliciously formed musculature throbbin’ away on most equines. Worst thing is when people tryta get all artsy by gracin’ the already complex archer-horse-beest deal with sum kinda higher concept. ‘Steada jus’ drawin’ THE ARROW an’ THE BOW an’ THE HORSE GUY an’ MEBBE A SCHLONG THE SIZEA A MARROW for HUMOR VALUE, we get a hieroglyph so undecipherableya might as well get fucked outtaya brains on absinthe an’ tryta capture the silky soft essencea the Donald’s bouffancery in CHARCOAL an’ TAPIR MEWL.

So, anyways: Horoscope. Prolly tonsa shit gonna pissya big time this month — real stoopid stuff, jus’ a frickin’ wastea time. Do not be lured inta this madness an’ chained up by its nonsense fripperies. Call it out, pull it apart — an’ tell it to go fuck itself. Tellya, you gonna get way better at this as the month rolls out — an’ thoughya gonna bust stuff an’ piss people, gotta remember, you ain’t no clown.

Want more detoxifyin’ filosophicals forya wanderlust knapsack? Fire meditations are here. Go be ruthless.

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December 22nd to January 19th

An’ lo, Capricorn did afford herself a night off, an’ did shimmy on downta the Zodiac dance party in her least starched ballgown — an’ a classy helmet.

“What fine cavorting I will witness,” she whispered, skippin’ along the sidewalk in her mind’s eye while simultaneously tryin’ to stay upright without snaggin’ her gown on her heels IRL, “what scenes of jollity there be! What tableaux of sensibility, what pictures of this mortal life as it plays out with beauty and splendor!”

But then she did encounter THE POOLSA VOMIT! Lurid green an’ yeller they were, ejected in wanton thrusts from the gutsa bums like money shots in sum Satanic Underworld writhin’ with mutant demons hooked on bukkake.

What is the frickin’ deal with FUN? Read a Gemini or Sajjo horoscope, an’ allya see is FUN FUN FUN — inya face, overya boobies, an’ upya frickin’ pooper. Regular. Intoxicatin’. FREE. Hey, Capricorn — prolly makesya wanna go de-goat sumtimes an’ mebbe get sum Pisces fish tail nailed onya face or (actchsly, this is kinda stylish now I thinka it) sum Libran scales pierced toppaya lippoflaps or either sideaya balls. That way, fun would mebbe come more natural, an’ you could letcha hair down more often, partake freelya life’s hipster chic, an’ cook alla that shit allaya friends tellya tastes delish but which don’t actually seemta you to be any kinda FOOD.

You wanna revize my little scene? Forget the dance party, an’ mebbe pull back the visor onya helmet? While the vomit flows evryplace this month, do yourself a favor an’ call up summaya seriously serious Earth buddies.  Go hang out in a art gallery, lookin’ all refined. Hell is burnin’ up an’ pukin’ its guts out on the streets, an’ nonea the people’re firin’ up an’ hhhhhuuuuuurrrrrrkkkkkkin’ out are gowin’ noplace.

So stay dependable an’ resilient as March gears up for madness. It ain’t Valentine’s no more, but I figure I gaveya an honest an’ positive run-out in this romantic astro-analysis blaaahg post. Jus’ go see if I didn’t…

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January 20th to February 18th

Thing about Doomsday in the movies is how it jus’ FA-ZOOOMPs outta nowhere an’ belly flops its ass over any an’ all oblivion-free futures. So mebbe you are eatin’ a burger sumplace, bein’ so nonchalant an’ carefree you forgotya even exist, when the ground opens up an’ swallowsya, or sum monster reptile stomps on the city, or the burger gal jus’ squirted extra mayo onya 24oz Rawhide Wango comes over all must eat brains must eat brains an’ starts rippin’ your frickin’ hair off. Cool thing about astrology is, we got sum predictive wherewithal when it comesta pinnin’ Doomsday down, an’ we can even be super selective ‘bout whose miserable ass it is gonna devastate. So, as a consummate seer hellbent on astrological accuracy, I gotta tellya, Aquarius, Doomsday for YOU gonna FA-ZOOOMP, smack inya frickin’ face, on March the frickin’ (frickin’) 12th.

But beforeya go head for the bunker, gotta say straight out how this is not the kinda Doomsday gonna killya. Thinka it more likeya wake up with, I dunno, a huge lump onya face — a lumpa unknown origin got mebbe more pus swillin’ beneath its crusty exterior than a jumbo cartona yogurt. This kinda Doomsday gonna shockya an’ presentya with a dilemma — but it ain’t gonna killya. Point is, Saturn in Sagittarius is givin’ evryone a hard time as notionsa personal freedom hit sum kinda ceilin’ more often than usual. Do Aquarians live only for limitations bein’ placed on their personal freedoms? They do not. Also, you got Sun in Pisces, an’ while those fishy types’re so free an’ easy with the emotional slooshy, you Aquarians are less happy with overt displaysa that kind. Taken individually, botha these planetary arrangements prolly don’t suitya — but on the 12th (Doomsday, remember), Sun squares Saturn an’ polyquadruples up the negativo, meanin’ lotsa unpleasant liquids gonna explode offa your face from outta that weirdsy lump like a frickin’ volcano crackin’ off, big time eruption style.

So I would wantchya to thinka March as a montha two distinct halves. Before an’ after. Conflict an’ resolootion. Your final daysa happiness an’ a cursed existence whose effectsya never gonna throw fromya heavy shoulders. (I am jus’ tryin’ to be humorous here to lighten the load, btw.) So — potential unpleasantness awaitsya. Get tooled up an’ tweak on allaya finest revolutionary synapses an’ go faceya personal Doomsday with 12 daysa FA-ZOOOMP countin’ down super tangible onya precog clock. Feelings and freedoms then plunge inta the Abyss — butchya gonna make it through. Or over. Uhm…you jus’ gonna haveta figure that part foryaself. Deal is, from the 13th/14th (dependin’ on how long it takesya to re-fixya hair after Doomsday done shaftin’ your ass) alla the wayta the Equinox, you prolly gonna discover all sortsa noo pathways openin’ up. Cool! Cos then it is Spring!

My Tumblr Blog is also available forya as a potentially life-savin’diversion. Bonus & sporadic thoughts often drop there so’s not to interfere with the academic rigor manifested here on my strictly formal website. Plus, I am heartin’ way too many kittens an’ fuckin’ shoes right now…

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February 19th to March 20th

Little Miss Everything Is So Deliciously About Me Me Me RN checked her schedule. In the morning, she would pamper herself. In the afternoon, she would pamper herself sum more. An’ in the evenin, she would lie back an’ be pampered by professional pamperers before choosin’ from among their anatomically lickgasmal number the sexiest specimen she could find an’ leadin’ him offta her scented boudoir to fuck his frickin’ brains out.

This is, March is hardcore Pisces time, an’ this one got sum real watery rev-ups, tellya. Swankin’ in after Febrooary’s fish-powered Noo Moon, this latest incarnationa your annual aquatic boostfest is a real zinger. Neptoon is hereta play along, an’ starta the month, alla that dreamsy gibberish comes outtaya mouth might actually make sum frickin’ sense as Mercury hitches along for the Piscean ride.

Gosh, Princess — Does That Mean I Can Flounce Around, As If In A Dream Made Flesh?

Yes, my dear. Yes it does. An’ you can have music an’ romance an’ dancin’ — an’ even ifya hobby is sumthin’ intrinsically unglamorous like workin’ out with weights, evry dumbellya lift gonna sparkle with the fairy dusta angels, tellya.

Will…Will It Feel So Good I’ll Wish It Could Last Forever?

Yes, my dear. Yes it will. But then everythin’ will come crashin’ down in a searin’ balla flame as the present Zodiac cycle ends an’ Aries strikes out on a particularly aggressive romp. Butya will not forgetya sublime pamperin’ an’ alla the cool illusionsya wandered among — cosya wrote ‘em all out with such clarity nighta the Virgo Full Moon on the 12th (didn’tchya?), an’ you matched ‘em all up with the buzzya had durin’ the Noo Moon enda Feb, an’ you will not have this wisdom seared fromya memory.

You will not.

(I wrote out sum Piscean dreamo stuff here, you wanna go chime in withya sensitively creative reverberationals.  Also, this blaaahg post is cool for mebbe gettingya back on track.

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Gowan — Squirt This Baby Around Like Fizzin' Champagne