Horoscope Archive Jooly 2018<span class="sdata2" title="2018-08-02T06:58:04+00:00"></span>

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

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Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — Jooly '18

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Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

Jooly 2018 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for luck fame & fortune in july 2018
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ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

NEED HOT TIPS FOR GETTIN’ THE MOST OUTTA YOUR HOROSCOPE?

Count Me The Hell On In, Sister!

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

Jooly drops evrywan into Deep Cancer Season.

This means extendin’ the Essential Portables list beyond shit like phone an’ keys to A BUCKET.

bcs yanno, this is a real EMOSHNUL time, an’ you prolly gonna blub so much there a chance you DEHYDRATE.

So listen, alla your intrepid adventurin’ gotta factor in this emoshnul bucket.

Evry clifftop leap, evry high speed chase, evry somersault into the jawsa death thanks to flamin’ hoops an’ killer sharks — gonna be way difficulter to pull off alla these stunts without brainin’ yourself unconscious with the bucket.

See cos adventurin’ in the heat be especially aspected, O Aries.

Mercury rompeth in Leo, and your home planet Mars be wingin’ retro in Aquarius — a combo which makes for reckless desires an’ unpredictable outcomes.

For trooly wild Aries types, this proto-toxic combination represents the ultimate challenge.

But remember it is Cancer Season — a time for carin’ an’ nurturin’ an’ fluffiness.

Much as reckless adventure be aspected, so too is the very real possibility you gonna smack hard into a wall an’ crack a horn or rupture key abdominals.

You might even bust the handle offa your bucket.

For sure, Jooly packs instability — so it is especially cool how we got Cancer watchin’ out for evrywan or the world’s population mighta halved overnight by August.

Uranus in Taurus be unleashin’ the malevolence, an’ Joopiter swingin’ outta retro from the 10th prolly gonna throw people offa their steps.

Biggest deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature on that baby tossed in at the enda all 12 scopes like a char-grilled prawn in a funky salad.

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

Meantime, jus’ play nice an’ don’t bite nowan.

Remember, the fine line between revolootionary zeal an’ arrogance only exists whenya draw blood outta frustration.

So go print that on a T shirt an’ get out there …

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TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

We all know the astrological legend ‘bout how well Taurus an’ Cancer get on.

As Bethany Wiccasplatz wrote in her introduction to Synastry For The Damned, “in relationships, Taurus is happiest with Capricorn or Virgo, but should they fail to get their way, Cancer offers a consolatory second fiddle.”

This means Cancer Season is mostly kinda comfy for regular bulls.

Barrin’ wayward planetary aspects an’ unusually provocative birth chart elements, I would err always on the positive side for my general Taurus in Jooly auguries.

Venus in Virgo from Tuesday 10 gets an especially cool ride, an’ if you on vacation round this time, you chose real lucky.

If you still in work or college, up to your ears in deep fuckin’ shit, rest assured that as you grit your teeth an’ forge boldly forward against the hellish tide, Venus gonna make sure your otherwise perfect sartorial elegance don’t mutate into no Wallace or Grommit grin.

Joopiter switchin’ outta retro is also good news — jus’ adds a lift to an optimism mebbe been dogged for a while.

Thursday 12 is a key day to watch.

Uranus in Taurus delivers an energizin’ burst jus’ as Plooto an’ the Sun clash head on.

Most evry astrologer person been speakin’ ‘bout the Uranus in Taurus deal an’ its potential for promptin’ sudden changes in our most cherished an’ settled areas, an’ tbh if’n we gonna see action this month, for sure this is a key day.

Best advice I can offer is DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL.

(Unless mebbe you accidentally injure a kitten — in which case I will see to it that your ass be spanked real hard.)

Biggest deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature on that baby thrown in at the enda all 12 scopes like a lithe diver guy flick-flackin’ his way offa the board into a foamin’ jacuzzi.

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

Meantime, fix up sumthin’ special for the weekend beginnin’ Friday 13.

Sounds like a bum luck deal, but for Taurus, this one AIN’T.

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GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

Yanno that thing happens when shit goes moldy?

That waaaaaay fractal explosion, like a whole buncha green hair standin’ up on end?

Gotta figure that is what happens to alla the TWINKLY durin’ Cancer Season.

That tinsel an’ glitter sparkle normally flashes so natchrl fromya beamin’ smile kinda feels like it got moldy mittens on.

An’ what lights up the world as wit now seems merely cuttin’ an’ cruel.

Worst part is how Cancer Season prides itself on bein’ nurturin’ an’ carin’ — so why it never pay heed to YOUR especially maligned emotional foibles?

I got a theory that evry Gemini been a bug in a previous life.

Jus’ a humdrum bug, all camouflaged neat, creepin’ along sweet as booby doo.

EXCEPT — this bug got a real evolootionary quirk firin’ up its mandibles.

Evry time it takes a step, those mandible tips make brief contact with one another, so when it moves, the bug emits a chht chht chht sound.

Evry other bug creepin’ along kinda sounds like this …

(I left a big ole gap there to indicate NUTHIN’, btw.)

In contrast, proto-Gemini bug sounds like this …

Chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht

chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht chht

which musta annoyed the fuck outta evrywan.

Coolest trick you can pull for Jooly is to stay aheada people on an Inherent Quirksiness ticket.

We got plenty retrograde disruption — Mercury in as Joopiter switches out — an’ Uranus in Taurus stirreth like a provoked beast.

Likely you gonna see these shifts comin’, so dealin’ with the karmic chht factor means switchin’ out bein’ a default smartass for GIVIN’ THE ILLOOSION you sum kinda saviour prophet.

Biggest deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature on that baby dished up at the enda all 12 scopes like a frisky puppy confoosin’ your leg with another dog before it old enough to know what it really dowin’.

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

Meanwhile, if your weight kinda yoyos, check your underwear for concealed lizards.

Summer is when plenty reptiles chill out asleep for a few months an’ hooman underwear kinda throws their cave-seekin’ instincts totally outta line.

So that coupla pounds here an’ there could jus’ be sum confoosed iguana hotfootin’ back an’ forth between the dark spot behind your sofa an’ the comfy gusset in your favo panties.

It ain’t no Imminent Cellulite emergency …

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CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

Cancer is often portrayed as a softer Zodiac sign errin’ toward receptivity, nurturin’ — an’ way too much chocolate-themed comfort eatin’.

But this month brings three key opportoonites to deliver important statements to your world an’ remind evrywan that underneath alla the Fluffy, you still Cardinal AF.

First cool deal you got is Thursday 5 when Cancer power makes seriously constructive contact with Joopiter in Scorpio an’ kickstarts its jovian spin outta retrograde.

We all know how weirdsy emotional turbulence goes on under the hood for weeks an’ months at a stretch — an incubation we feel real deep yet mebbe can neither describe nor utilize.

Joopiter been hunkerin’ deep in Scorpio for a while now, an’ alla this incubation be near complete.

Don’t wanna switch out to any imagry involvin’ midwifery or eggs, but your nurturin’ input gonna help birth plenty cool astro babies, for sure.

Noo tide is imminent, an’ you be frickin’ on it.

Monday 9 sees a similar deal with Neptoon retro in Pisces.

You can’t dig that baby outta where she gowin’ — but what sweet illoomination you can shine down on her submarine deliciousness.

A sublime ride for all Cancer types starts here, runnin’ through Venus enterin’ Virgo to a potentially incendiary Thursday 12.

Here we see a challengin’ Sun / Plooto aspect sittin’ alongside an earth-packed Venus / Uranus kissup.

Gotta look at that an’ wonder what in hell is gowin’ on cos that is sooooooo Good Cop Bad Cop!

But for Cancer, comin’ offa the backa the Neptoon deal an’ precedin the Noo Moon on Friday 13, I sense real positive an’ transformational energies gonna make your 2018 Diary Top 3.

Don’t miss it!

Biggest deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature on that baby splashed out at the enda all 12 scopes like beer been shaken way too hard before ya yank on the ring pull.

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

Meantime, enjoy your birthday — even if it was back in Joon — an’ don’t skip out on offerin’ thanks for alla the bounties come your way.

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LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

You mighta heard how Mars gone retrograde in Aquarius.

So what does this mean for Leo?

tbh prolly not as much as how Mercury be rompin’ in your sign for like THE WHOLE MONTH.

So I would jus’ forget alla that stuff ‘bout how your energies gonna grind to a halt amidst an inertia whirlwind to ossify the Cosmos.

Be thinkin’ instead ‘bout how you might wanna burst into song at any moment or belt out spontaneous sonnets to hot-lookin’ passers by.

Point is, you got a hotline to life’s TV stoodio, an’ plenty cool stuff on your mind gonna leak out there withoutya havin’ to do anythin’.

This means prolly the biggest deal gowin’ on is what underlies this colossal output potential.

Gotta figure Cancer Season works kinda OK for Leo cos you natchrlly more nurturin’ than Aries or Sagittarius.

So there be plenty upbeat activity on the cub an’ pride front.

But I would wanna look in on how Venus moves through Virgo bcs let’s face it, when Leo puts on a show, for sure there is volume an’ style, but what goes missin’ sumtimes is hard detail.

Mercury is Virgo’s roolin’ planet, so mebbe Jooly means lookin’ in on the finer detail behind your showtime romps.

Thursday 5 gonna provide clues.

See, cos I can HEAR ya readin’ this an’ snickerin’ ha ha ha fuckin’ ditz astrologer person, what in hell she know ‘bout shit? — but I figure sumthin’ gonna drop today says I RIGHT an’ you JUS’ PLAIN STOOPID.

Biggest deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature on that baby danglin’ offa the enda all 12 scopes like sumthin’ should mebbe flip back beneath its boxers ‘steada makin’ out all immodest.

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

Meantime, watch for a sticky time on Thursday 12 but expect boosts on days 10 an’ 13.

Real fun starts when the Sun enters Leo Sunday 22 — an’ you may wanna look in here for inspiration.

Key motivational smarts for all Leos!

(This LIFE-CHANGIN’ ARTICLE, howevah, is jus’ kinda DUMB.)

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VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd 

What curiously exotic celestial vapors there be to come a-waftin’ up backa your skirt!

It is like the soft play of a genie’s breath hot on your thighs till — WHOOOOSH — genie roleplays blowin’ out birthday cake candles.

An’ why so?

Cancer Season be kinda weirdsy for Virgos — but this one is different.

Steada alla the usual EMOSHNUL MOOSHIE gets in the waya HARD FRICKIN’ SCIENCE, this year we got plenty substantial Earth magic pullin’ the higher strings — an’ I talkin’ here ‘bout matters Saturnine an’ Uranial.

More immediately specific (cos I KNOW that kinda qualifier getsya juicin’), Venus spins into Virgo from Toosday 10, an’ immediately heads over for a look-in on her big time earth-centric buddies.

tbh, right through to Sunday 22, when Venus shines her spotlight on a newly direct Joopiter in Scorpio, Virgo Power be lookin’ real frisky.

This means takin’ in the Cancer Noo Moon on (FFS!) Friday 13 don’t gotta be beyond fuckin’ pissypants.

You know the astro narrative ‘bout Virgos — yeah yeah cos they like one of the Zodiac robot signs, all detached an’ like idc — but that jus’ a lie.

You a hooman bein’ person, jus’ like evrywan else, but that don’t mean you gotta lay on the emo vibe like a dog pissin’ ‘gainst a tree.

Alla which mebbe means a hardcore feelz moon like Noo in Cancer presents ishoos with clarifyin’ for others what is crystal clear inya own deepsy downsy pond.

So figure on sum real emotional clarity durin’ the mid-month Virgo fest — but watch for Toosday 24th when Leo heats up the overall vibe an’ Venus does battle with Neptoon in your opposite sign Pisces.

 * * * * * OBFUSCATION ALERT! * * * * *

 Biggest deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature on that baby under the lens at the enda all 12 scopes like a creepy bug whose compound eyes you GOTTA see up close.

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

 So, yeah, Virgo — Jooly looks kinda spunky.

Mebbe go enjoy it …

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LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

Hmmm. Cancer Season. Again.

For Libra, this is the weirdest thing.

On paper, Cancer Season ticks alla the boxes ‘bout peace an’ fairness an’ harmony so sweet you can make it into a PIE.

An’ yet, what a buncha fuckin’ klutzes those crabby-assed mothers are!

‘Steada evrywan hangin’ out all sweet together, nowan’s playin’ cos they all home alone, bawlin’ theirs stoopid eyes out cozza internal ishoos.

From a Cardinal perspective, seems always like Cancer jus’ tryin’ to make amends for the truly obnoxious show started up by Aries.

So, yeah — you can’t really put that shit to rights for a while, but at least you can make merry with the CHEER EVRYWAN UP deal at which you are such an expert prolly one day you gonna be shot for it.

So here are sum days when shit gonna be so profoudly BAAAD for evrywan that you can safely break out the lute or brandish your favo expressive dance maneuvers an’ harmonize with the blubbin’ tillya are evrywan’s soul mate …

5, 12, 13, 27.

Biggest deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature on that baby crankin’ out the astro wisdom at the enda all 12 scopes like a crystal ball vomits up only 110% truth.

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

Meantime, expect inconsistency.

I know that is parta the flavor you got as a Libran, but Mars be retro in sister sign Aquarius, so the stop-start deal gonna be powered up in ways that mebbe go beyond your customary totally frickin’ impractical.

 As for the sonnets, expect Virgo to take you by the Venusian hand an’ transform lyrical gush into perfection — but jus’ don’t read ‘em out to nowan before the Sun swings into Leo from the 22nd or you gonna look like a dork.

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SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

Plenty other astrologers been tellin’ me oh you should really hype up the influence of Mars retrograde in Aquarius in your incisive horoscopes for July because this is going to be a totally devastating time for everyone … oh, and by the way, Princess, if you don’t mind me saying, your hair looks a total fucking mess right now

so ima yeah OK sure — but as a Sagittarius I don’t wanna sound overly Doom an’ Gloom because it is so important to give people hope in dark times so they can triumph against adversity an’ come outta the deal stronger

so the astrologers go well lookee, since that sounds like a truly Scorpio-centric theme, why don’t you drop all the bad news under cover of your Scorpio horoscope? That way you can remain true to your frivolous Sagittarian nature while also paying heed to the need always to be frank and true?

so I am thinkin’ hey yeah that is mebbe a real cool idea, an’ I am writin’ out shit ‘bout volcanoes spewin’ lava over baby animals, but then it occurs to me how Scorpio is like a natchrl detective, an’ I know for sures how they read alla the horoscopes, not jus’ their own — so when they see stoopid ol’ Moi reserve alla the Mars retro horror jus’ for them, likely they hire ASSASSINS to come torture the fuck offa my ass … but when I said alla that to alla the other astrologers, they said NO WAY THAT GONNA HAPPEN … an’ now I wondrin’ whether evrywan jus’ out to get me.

tbh it is at times like these I wonder whether I shoulda gone into veterinary surgery.

Steada tryin’ to offer wise counsel to fix up people’s lives, I coulda been SAVIN’ KITTENS an’ GETTIN’ MY ARM STUCK SO DEEP INTO COWS’ RECTAL COMPLICATION ISHOOS THEIR ASSHOLES SQUISHIED ‘GAINST MY EAR.

*sob*

Guess I chose wrong, chose stoopid.

*sob*

*sniff*

*blub*

So, uhm — heya, Scorpio … it is Cancer Season.

Jus’ wanna reassure ya that HOWEVER DEEP & EMOSHNUL this gets, there always gonna be sumone worse off than yourself, most likely fuckin’ Moi.

Meantime, biggest deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature on that baby foretellin’ the cataclysmic spunky at the enda all 12 scopes like a constipated moose hollerin’ IT IS COMIN’ IT IS COMIN’!

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

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SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

There is an old astrological sayin’, attributed to the notorious Eleanor La Monde, to the effect that “when the Sun is in Cancer, the Sagittarius native is no more than a dog to be beate.”

Gal couldn’t speaka worda English, but that is the literal translation — an’ for anywan packin’ missile weapons an’ a horse’s ass, it don’t read too much like good nooz.

For sure, the sensitive Cancer vibe don’t sit too good with anywan natchrly inclined to tellya your tits are wonky straight to your face, but there is a big leap from there to damnin’ mosta Jooly by default.

So I would wanna figure on evry Sajjo takin’ Jooly as a vacation, if only outta protest.

Mars an’ Joopiter may be retrograde — but phooey.

tbh, clear away alla the fuckin’ astrology, mebbe evrywan might get sumplace.

So here’s the deal.

When my Noo Moon in Cancer stuff drops on Twitter as parta my Today’s Astrology Story feature on Friday 13, jus’ ignore it.

Prolly it gonna be all wrong anyways.

Ditto the Aquarius Full Moon on Friday 27.

Actshwlly, yeah — especially that one bcs I always well wrong ‘bout Aquarius.

Better still, mebbe forget altogether ‘bout bein’ Sagittarius for the whole month an’ make up your own star sign.

Be nice to see Vulthroor the Ocelot, Albie the Skink or Mungleworzel the Oversexed Bear.

Go crazy.

Meantime, prolly there jus’ one astro date you should check on after Cancer Season done fucked off for another year an’ the whole celestial panorama swings round deliciously Leo.

Big deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature on that baby dishes the astro essentials at the enda all 12 scopes like Eleanor le Monde dredged up from outta that river alla the French peasants threw her in back in 14-whatevah.

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

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CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

I been sayin’ for a while how broadly Capricorn themes be in the astro drivin’ seat (an’ hardcore stargazy buffs may wish to look in on my 2018 Saturn in Capricorn analysis here, along with Uranus in Taurus ifya really wanna throw the EARTH SIGNS RULE shit around).

This goatsy narrative continues through Jooly, so most likely the I DOM THE PLANET vibe gonna continue.

Howevah, Cancer energies can kinda flipya into a tangle, so you gotta watchya step.

Plenty crabby action gowin’ on to tripya up, for sures.

Principally the deal to watch for is lacka focus, especially as it relates to other people.

Capricorn deal is to see shit through an’ brook no opposition — not simply bcs steamrollerin’ your way over evrywan be such cool fun, but also bcs the ultimate results an’ rewards demand you don’t slack off.

Quality costs, an’ people gotta be made to go the distance along withya so’s they can experience the full joysa kissin’ your sweet ass when all is sealed an’ delivered.

Aw, but see — key people gonna mebbe quibble the toss.

Thursday 5 an’ Sunday 9 are sitters for this kinda drain, so like I said … stay focused.

Thursday 12 got the biggest warnin’ light flashin’ over it, but by this stage Joopiter be direct once more an’ a whole buncha delish Virgo smarts be glowin’ offa Venus.

So take your medicine as the spoon swooshies beforeya lips — an’ prepare to grind down on obfuscatin’ awkwardness with customary determination.

Big deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature on that baby dishes the stargazy story at the enda all 12 scopes like when Goldilocks looked in on the porridge an’ got real scientific ‘bout shit.

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

Meantime, be sure to fix up a personal celebration for Saturday 14.

Here be a sweet vibe for all who make like ambitious goats with fishy tails hangin’ offa their asses.

Trooly, this baby could be beyond delish.

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AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

You prolly heard how Mars gone retrograde in Aquarius an’ how this gonna spell disaster for evrywan on all kindsa levels.

But mebbe what other fancypants astrology persons leave outta the story is how the whole sorry tale be YOUR FAULT.

Rest assured, you ain’t about to get the kid glove treatment from Moi, tellya.

So come bend over my knees while I peel backya skimpies an’ administer the kinda light slaps to the butt prolly be life changin’.

Thing to remember always ‘bout bein’ an Aquarius is how you got the short cut back to the common person.

On good days, that fillsya fulla hoomanitarian spirit makes evrywan wanna be your friend.

Resta the time, you jus’ blamed for bein’ a smartass.

So while Mars retro got innately problematic vibes — inconsistent energies, potential for destructive outbursts, another blockbuster run-out for Matt Damon etc — its options for dishin’ the global pissypants are kinda magnified cozza the Aquarius connection.

For once, evrywan got reason to settle on Aquarius as the scapegoat — a real gallin’ scenario bcs the water bearer chic got nuthin’ to do with fuckin’ goats.

But there be good nooz, as is always the case with astro narratives — even the ones primed to flay your flesh from your body.

Mars gonna be pumpin’ Aquarian iron well into Novembah (‘part from a momentary slide back into Capricorn), an’ though this gonna be a bumpy ride, it offers a long-term opportoonity to drill down on what constitoots your worthiest desires, drives & plain ol’ wants.

Gotta remember, 2017 was a Mars Desert, far as Aquarius be concerned, so this is kinda payback time.

Ferocious energy be withya, even if it wants to flip off super erratic an’ spazzo.

Of all the signs, which disruptivity-centric ditzball be best equipped to deal with a curveball scenario like that?

So, listen — Jooly kickstarts an energizin’ adventure gonna last 5 months, so ride it like a naked fuckin’ goddess don’t care who lookin’ in on her boobies.

Let evrywan diss ya for bringin’ calamity down on hoomanity’s ass!

Who fuckin’ cares?

Mean time, big deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature powerin’ up the deets at the enda all 12 scopes like a whole buncha chocolate cake still out on the table at a weddin’ when the happy couple done fucked off an’ evrywan mopin’ around blamoed offa their tits.

You want in on that, keep scrollin’ after you done here.

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PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

Heavens be broadly awash with Earth an’ Water energies — meanin’ a Sweet Relief Summer be up for grabs.

Coolest thing ‘bout Cancer Season is how vulnerability ceases to be such a curse.

It’s like sumone lifted the lid on alla the stuff stirrin’ deep inside an’ whispered, “gonna be OK.”

Fuckin’ lie tho!

So, yeah, let’s look in on where Jooly’s essentialy cruisy vibe might proffer noxious emo upsets — jus’ so you can deliver that martyr sobbin’ your inner Hollywood starlet loves to run out from time to time.

Thursday 12 an’ Toosday 24 are both days to watch for.

Sum real nasty planetary fistfights gonna likely dish upsets if’n you don’t take special care.

First is mebbe crunch time over an ishoo close to your heart, second is more an assault on your existential dream world.

Stay aheada these babies, an’ Cancer plays Jooly real sweet — incloodin’ a key Noo Moon on Friday 13.

Plenty opportoonity here to set your inner ship aright an’ look in on your own protective shell.

Cancer wins out on the whole crustacean body armor deal, butchya gotta remember how fishies got scales.

For sure that makes swooshyin’ around in the depths a whole lot more streamlined, but also them scales is essential protection.

Your vulnerability is your strength, butchya gotta watch also for bein’ a feeble pushover — an’ the Cancer Noo Moon got plenty to say here if’n you listen out for her maracas.

(I figured on dishin’ a real apt mood music metaphor there, an’ first thing I thoughta was maracas … but FFS I am leavin’ that in.)

Mean time, big deal for evrywan is Monday 24 to Toosday 27 — an’ I got a special feature strung out jus’ below this personal scope like a free bonus section gonna make it feel like your Jooly horoscope parta sum dinky 2-for-1 offer.

You want in on that — jus’ keep readin’ …

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WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

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JUS’ TO SAY …

There sposed to be an extra section in here detailin’ alla the cool stuff gonna bust outta the Cosmos for evrywan at the enda Jooly — only I ain’t wrote it out yet.

That mebbe means DISAPPOINTMENT NOW as you figure BUMMER! …

… but prolly REAL EXCITEMENT ANOTHER TIME as you recall how the internet works an’ make a date to look in LATER.

(Only problem I got rn is I don’t know when LATER gonna be cos I real busy, but I expect kinda late weekend or Monday.)

JUS’ TO SAY …

This never happened cos I a ditz.

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Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?

Gowan — Squirt This Baby Around Like Fizzin' Champagne