Horoscope Archive Janyooary 2018<span class="sdata2" title="2018-02-25T13:04:54+00:00"></span>

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

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Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — Jan '18

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Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

Janyooary 2018 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for luck fame & fortune in january 2018

Jus’ Sayin’…

Alla my horoscopes for January 2018 start the same way.

It is not cos I wanna herdya all through the same astro gate like sheep … jus’ that IMPORTANT SHIT cracketh off & I don’t want nowan to miss nuthin’.

Point is, 2018 looks kinda sweeter than 2017 did from this startup vantage point.

Face it, 2016 pitched such global bummers, plenty people thought 2017 gonna be a write-off.

But cool shit prevailed … an’ anyone packin’ spirit, verve an’ heart was mebbe strengthened by how Ominous Portents finally rolled — an’ now we enter January’s virgin days fulla all kindsa possibility for soulful positive.

Main reason is the astro narrative been generatin’ character an’ subplot since mebbe las’ Summer’s Solstice (an’ anywan late in here can follow the story in my past monthly horoscopes startin’ HERE & also over on Twitter & Tumblr — jus’ like you were the lame slacker gotta borrow your bestie’s school books an’ bone up on real important shitya missed).

Summary reads like this …

1) Scorpio Season dredged real hardcore stuffs from the depths through Autumn. Sumtimes when we got problems, we shield our eyes an’ peep through our fingers, hopin’ shit gonna go away. Not this time, people.

2) Sagittarius Season delivered vision an’ verve as Centaur Romp Home World Joopiter spun into Scorpio’s shadows. Seems dragons may be slain, an’ Mother Cosmosis offered evryone opportoonity to go pick up their bow & take aim.

3) 2017’s end delivered the real biz. Saturn in Capricorn is here to dish the hardcore on quality life changes gonna last. It is a generational shift not seen since 3 years before Kurt Cobain killed hisself. Make a plan, run with it — an’ shit you want GONNA HAPPEN.

That is kinda where we all at rn, K?

It is not too late to figure WHATCHYA WANT FROM 2018.

So let’s get fuckin’ started on a real juicer, Sweeties.

horoscope fate future stars prediction

ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

Gotta figure Noo Year is a great time for evrywan — except mebbe Aries.

Cos you REAL SMART, an’ you know this baby is an ILLUSION.

Fuckin’ chumps invented the calendar tookya for an asshole, tellya.

Steada startin’ out for novelty with the Spring Equinox where the action really cracks off, those lame losers picked on a totally arbitrary figure — January 1st.

Most other Zodiacs’re fooled real easy by this bogus scenario.

They gonna wake up to 2018 an’ scream, “wahoo wahoo wahoo, what a scintillating new epoch this be — and what sweeping changes I will make to my life!” like it is not simply another day in the Capricorn Season.

Prolly that givesya a unique take on the Noo Year deal.

Meansya can spring sum real surprises when your turn for Troo Nouveau comes around in the Spring while remainin’ unhoodwinked by the media-hyped charade crackin’ off alla aroundya.

Weird but troo — for once inya reckless life mebbe you can THINK beforeya ACT.

An’ that is a cool deal cos the sneakiest trick Noo Year pulls is to flag up alla the revels an’ novelty like the worst kinda Leo-Aquarius fusion … all the time remainin’ hardcore Capricorn under the hood.

You blast January 1st off in an incendiarily bacchanalian haze, you gonna miss the point.

The hard resolootion reset Capricorn delivers gonna happen anyway, whatever fuckin’ calendar you deploy as a practical means for missin’ your favorite TV show or arrivin’ late for evrythin’.

An’ like all astro stuffs, the Capricorn cycle is parta a grand celestial narrative gotta be told over an’ over to make any sense — like instructions to a stoopid fuckin’ puppy.

Best part?

This year (an’ rollin’ out to 2020 with dogged intention) Saturn gives the whole Capricorn resolootion vibe an extra boost — Earthy stability beneathya feet & an OTT Cardinal top-up sprayed in liquid chocolate onya titties.

So … you alone are not taken in by Noo Year’s false dawn.

Troo astrological Noo Year party belongs to YOU.

That’s All Well And Good, O Princess — But Aren’t You Supposed To Be Telling Me About Love, Luck & Money? After All, That Is The Purpose Of A Horoscope!

 FFS, what is wrong with you people?

You want I holdya hand?

Actschwlly, prolly I would always wanna hold Aries’ hand.

Deliver me sumplace excitin’ an’ I will squeeze onya sweetest swellings, you ramrod beest!

Aw, but that is another story for another day — most likely a Toosday…

FEEL CHEATED by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

Deal for all Earth signs is super delish rn.

An’ what Earth sign could be more Earthy than sensual ol’ Taurus?

Gotta figure we seen all kindsa weirdsy change crackin’ off in recent years which didn’t much suitya mojo.

What is to be done in a Cosmos packin’ uncertainty when allya dream about is … permanent stasis?

Preferably involvin’ donuts?

Truth is, the currently unfoldin’ Capricorn vibe is an especially powerful one, an’ cos the goaty narrative sits at the enda the Earth spectrum, for Taurus there is mebbe a maternal feel to the energies gonna romp thru to 2020.

Be in no doubt, O chewera cud & mooera moos, Mother Cosmosis gonna takeya by the hand an’ leadya to pastures smart.

Starts right out with a Cancer Full Moon soothedown on the 2nd.

2018 jus’ feels more fuckin’ like it, Sweetie.

Effort in, juiciness out — all as it should be.

Coolest deal?

First parta January, Capricorn energy touches base with most evrythin’ thanks to a whole buncha positive planetary aspects.

It’s a real friendly touch you gonna love — and it offers the perfect backdrop forya to reintrodooce yourself to evrywan, remind ‘em all what fuckin’ superpowersya got.

Your vibe is on a flourish roll, so jus’ be yourself.

Alla your finest plus points are about to become visible — though I would counsel always here ‘bout how that might mean dissers an’ enemy types gonna up their game on the Poopy Pants Callout.

Mercury in Capricorn from the 11th brings an extra levela refinement to mosta your shit, so get in the drivin’ seat an’ pull on alla those big plans you got … make ‘em happen.

Vibe eases from the 18th when the Sun switches out to Aquarius.

This can be an unsettled time … fuckin’ FEBROOARY … an’ I am confident when I say you got plenty stories ‘bout the wheels comin’ offa the fuckin’ bus around this time.

BUT … mebbe 2018 you gonna be sufficiently powered up by stabilizin’ Earth vibes you gonna pull sumthin’ practical & delish from the provocative Uranian energies fluxin’ around.

Best day to indulge in rampantly self-servin’ pleasure … mebbe go fuckya boobies off?

Gotta be the 10th!

FEEL CHEATED by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

Hmmmmm. Tricky one.

Lotsa earthy energies mudsyin’ along right now against a celestial backdrop devoida airstuffs.

Means mebbe a slower start to the year thanya might want, an’ prolly you gotta thinka bidin’ your time till the Sun hits Aquarius on the 21st.

Meantime, there is plenty stuffya can be fixin’.

Hardcore Capricorn vibes’re available for all, an’ though it might feel kinda prickly pullin’ on the promo pants that come with the deal, gotta figure flightsy Gemini could use a re-set from time to time — an’ this is your opportoonity.

Best deal for 2018 is to get so blamoed for Noo Year that the first coupla days’re a blur.

That deliversya to the 3rd when Uranus swings direct — weirdisliciousness incarnate for plentya the other Zodiacs, but mebbe a curiosity boost for Twinno Central

So … wake up, let 2018 kick in with a more sympathetic verve, an’ look in on allaya resolootions with renewed purpose.

Gotta figure 2018 has a real open script for anyone wieldin’ the right kinda dream-boosted pen.

It is like 2016 kinda sealed 2017’s Fate — an’ yet sumhow we got off lighter than we thought.

That kinda levity awaits all sprightly Geminis, an’ though 2018 drops slap in the mud, that Uranian boost gonna figure as a kickstart.

Follow through on the 7th when that boost finds a Mercurial outlet an’ mebbe shit gonna feel like it is rollin’.

Meantime, you gonna pull in insight ‘bout the contrast between the Earthsy stuff mebbe slowin’ you down an the feisty stuff powerin’ upya mojo.

Not all energizin’ forward motion gotta be full throttle — sumtimes the contrasts are motivationally exhilaratin’, especially to split-down-the-middle polycerebral sparkleflitters like YOU.

Make sense?

Prolly by week 2, it might!

Gotta figure Capricorn gonna take evryone on a difficult journey — through January as the Sun illoominates those goatsy horns, an’ right on through till 2020 as Saturn puts his feet up by the fire — an’ your initial challenge begins on the 11th when your home planet Mercury finds itself dommed the fuck out by Capricornian grindo.

Not ideal as far as feels go … but ifya can sit back on alla that an’ rest easy on the glitterdrought, prolly you gonna sharpen up that witta yours in the long run.

Like I said … reset.

Alla that diffuculter stuff reaches a climax on the 17th with the Cappy Noo Moon … an’ then comes the beautiful release.

Venus in Aquarius, Sun in Aquarius — an’ you can breathe again!

Sweet air, sweet voice, sweet en pointe smarts.

Gotta say, final weeka January is when plenty people drop dead, give up or flake out.

What a fuckin’ great time for Geminis to phoenix the fuck on down!

FEEL INSPIRED by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

Rise an’ shine!

This is a SHELL TEST!

Capricorn gonna rain down an avalanche ‘ponya — hurl rocks an’ boulders, chunksa mountains, see ifya gonna crack.

Cos that is the pointa havin’ a fuckin’ shell, right?

To resist an’ survive all bombardment?

Otherwise … why not make like a Leo an’ swank out in the Savannah’s heat, mane flowin’ free, tinglydangles juicin’ out in the open air?

Or spazz out, Gemini-style, carin’ not whose tousled locksya randomly flashed lighnin’ bolts frazzle to vapor?

Gotta figure what a downer it would be to spendya days inside a protective shell … an’ never get to use it.

So … power up the chitin an’ hunker down for sum fightin’!

FFS Plz Make This Easy For Me! I Only Just Got Over Fixing Up The Fam For Christmas!

K, like I said … this is a TEST.

Real hardcore drops later in the year, which is why Capricorn bein’ so KIND to her OPPOSITE NUMBER an’ REVVIN’ HER UP FOR ACTION.

See — look howya are bowled a delish-pops FULL MOON jus’ as the noo 2018 era dawns!

tbh this is the ultimate battleground-definin’ illumoonation gonna shine its way upya ass in an epoch.

Clear-cut, up front, straight out, no nonsense — you get to pickya team from Momento Uno an’ fix fast on alla the practical necessaries.

Gotta figure the whole Saturn in Capricorn story got big plans for its favo protagonist till 2020 — a whole buncha relationship fix-ups gonna inform an’ transform.

Problem is, that means changes inya circle — noo boundaries for that shella yours.

Hence the benevolent bombardment!

Thing is, January bowls plenty sweetiepoppeture ‘longside the openin’ Full Moon.

Take a look at your communucation gravitas from the 11th as Mercury bowls headlong into Capricorn.

Weird for a crab, butchya also gotta fix on the planetary forward motion till March as nuthin’ orbitin’ the Sun is in retro.

That says … sure an’ steady momentum for whateverya bring to the table right now.

As a bonus, Jupiter an’ Plooto manifest momentary cuddliness on the 15th gonna bring definition to thy generous bombast, so take the opportoonity to publicly outline forthcomin’ shell switchouts an’ termsa engagement.

Meantime, FFS fixya hair.

I am mebbe gowin’ out on a limb here on Spidey Sense ‘steada brute astrology but I got a hunchya let yourself go a little over Christmas.

An’ like Bethany Wiccasplatz herself said, “a Cancer who cares not for her own appearance will in time care not for her brood.”

Wise words indeed from an expert — less’n I misquoted her, which is always a possibility, I guess.

EMBOLDENED by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

Wanna know what is so weird ‘bout preparin’ Leo horoscopes?

Backa my mind, I always got an earworm sayin’ be sure to throw in generous praise makes Kittypops feel like she is centera the Universe — which is real crazy cos botha my fuckin’ ears reside outside my skull so I got no idea from where or whence this edict floweth.

Way I see it, I don’t proffer this praise, you gonna disbelieve anythin’ I say, the better to huff an’ puff petulantly in a corner, dissin’ all creation butchya own!

*Ha! loveya to bits*

Thing is, this time around, I wanna FORMALLY withold this kinda default praise — an’ I do so SPECIFICALLY so you SIT UP AN’ PAY ATTENTION.

Why so?

Cos 2018 gonna power upya productivity boompipes.

Are You Speaking Metaphorically Here, O Princess? Or Do “Productivity Boompipes” Exist As An Area Of My Anatomy With Which I Am Not Yet Familiar?

Oh for sure I wanna get my hands on any Leonine productivity boompipes gowin’ — but that is another story for another day (preferably tamara).

Thing is, biggest complaint people make ‘bout Leos — ‘part from SHOWY ASSHOLE! — is that mebbe you got SO MUCH bountiful wonder fountainin’ the fuck outtaya asshole you mebbe squander it.

“If only she could get her shit together and muster those colossal energies in ways that were less slapdash — why she would truly be an unstoppable force!”

*gulp!*

So … uhm … that is the deal here.

You gonna see sum real practical drilldown onya Leonine catalytica the likea which you ain’t prolly seen before.

Best part is, this energy is floodin’ straight outta the trap.

Right now, 2018 got no pause button — she is roarin’ in, full on, no messin’.

An’ she got sum real sweet treats droppin’ enda the month gonna suitya mojo asya massage it all tumescent an’ juicy.

First, primeya kitty mane for Mars rompin’ into Sagittarius on the 26th.

Plenty action gonna sparky on up before then, but this is when the real power ups start.

Gotta remember evrywan is payin’ more heed to Noo Year as a calendar phenomenon rather than the New Dawn gowin’ on in the stars (an’ you can catch up on alla that in my 2018 startup blaaaahg post here), an’ in my experience mosta that faux resolve is dead on its fuckin’ back enda January as the credit card payments for Christmas kick in, alla the swanky festive gifts either bust or lose their allure, an’ the $200 diet program you enrolled in prodooced nuthin’ more that a net weight gaina 12lbs an’ a whole buncha sorry lookin’ fatass noo friends wanna moan ‘bout evrythin’ under the frickin’ sun.

Pick up on the Saj vibe, an’ you gonna be flyin’ — ‘jus in time for a swankilicious Full Moon in Leo right at the enda the month says WATCH ME WATCH ME WATCH ME.

TRANSFORMED ALL THRUSTASTIC by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd 

Gotta figure as a Virgo, you are onea the Zodiac’s grown-ups.

Sumtimes (like alla the milliseconds Infinity got available … minus mebbe three) you can be real fuckin’ annoyin’ — interruptin’ the spontaneous fun with real geeky nitpicks piss evrywan off.

But that is to overlookya supremely practical inventiveness, an’ I would wanna speculate that if Cosmos-riggin’ aliens were to abduct alla the Virgos, Fun itself would cease to exist.

An’ why so?

Guess you guys build the invisible bedrock underpins so much smart stuff.

Earthy practicality, intelligently mutable ticket — O this is such a sweet combination!

An’ the best thinga all is how 2018 gives this transformational earnestnessya pack a real boost.

Plenty Capricorn energies gonna power outta serious ol’ Saturn between now an’ 2020, an’ while that gonna mean hard work an’ struggle, gotta figure you gonna have a real neat smile onya face throughout.

I trooly believe the Virgo/Capricorn vibe is onea the smartest combinations in the Zodiac — an’ in this instance, I figure you gonna get a real sweet sense that now … oh yeah, I can REALLY do things PROPERLY.

Which I guess means unleashin’ your inner anatomical restrainer — an’ really drillin’ down on the minutiae makes real big & important stuff happen.

It is perhaps unfortunate that Trump an’ Kimmee the Nooker been playin’ aggressive an’ macho showtime with their variously sized nooclear buttons, but whenya cut away this malevolent deploymenta essential atomic tech, world owes a big debta thanks to that Ernest Rutherford guy for lookin’ real small an’ deep inside an impossibly invisible world fulla max potential impact.

It is that supersmart quality we need right now to solve real big ishoos ain’t gowin’ away anytime soon.

Tellya, I figure better solutions to world poverty an’ environmental disaster gonna feature real smart Virgos findin’ big impact ideas from outta the minuscule.

Meantime, they so kind an’ generous they gonna help evrywan kick ass at Scrabble.

“I promise to make you so unbelievably awesome at this game that you’ll easily hit a 100% success rate at almost beating me!”

But I digress … point is that 2018 got hardcore energies really gonna suitya style, an’ I would wanna select out the 2nd, 11th an’ 16th as especially productive power-ups.

Virgo, you are tasked with nuthin’ less than the humbly spectacular — great achievements for whichya can take zero credit beyond knowin’ that if evrywan realised you were personally responsible for their wider miracles they would prolly punchya in the fuckin’ chops.

Anonymous perfection!

tbh, I figure life as a Virgo must be like smellin’ your own sweet farts 24/7 — or is that jus’ my inner Sagittarian outerin’ itself?

(Ha! Prolly not! I ate so much bad shit over Christmas I hadta ban my own asshole. Dear Sweet Jesus, I darn near warped my own fanjflaps.)

BIBBEDY BOOPED ON DOWN AS AN INQUISITIVE MEERKAT by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

What fun to be a Libra right now!

Must feel like bein’ hog-tied in Hades while evil Underworld beings scream the place down all aroundya.

Hey, but that is their problem.

See, cos there are TWO WAYS to lookit the current interplanetary scenario swingin’ out overhead (or down below an’ side to side ifya outlook is trooly global).

There is no doubt at all that we got sum real intensity happnin’ for 2018.

Joopiter in Scorpio is real serious shit — like the Underworld came out to play on parade.

Alla your secrets an’ mebbe less upfront waysa dealin’ with the world feel like they could be exposed at any time — a potentially uncomfortable scenario for the ultimate slippery diplomat breaks so many rules to keep evrythin’ runnin’ smooth.

Saturn in Capricorn is another no-holds-barred lifestyle grind-down ain’t gowin’ away any time soon — a relentless an’ hard influence gonna keep on makin’ life constructively difficult till 2020.

TWO WAYS to go here is either … run for the fuckin’ hills

or negotiate.

As a Libran, you got mebbe a head start on how 2018 gonna roll — but only ifya can keepya head an’ take the rough as well as the smooth.

Plenty people gonna get into conflict with the heavyweight transformations gowin’ down, an’ while this may grow ‘em sum in all kindsa ways, best deal is to hang in with the dance an’ be prepared to get thrown around a little.

Do that, an’ Cosmic generosity will surely meanya get to choose plentya steps along the way an’ fugureya own routine.

tbh, I love the possibilities for change we got on offer this year — especially when Uranus swoops into Taurus in May.

Real dangerous rockets gonna blast us all off at all kindsa tangents — a potentially unstable situation for harmony-lovin’ Librans — but Capricornian stability got a watchful eye over the whole shebang, an’ that means prolly the end result gonna be more trad than we might figure.

Alla the time, we seekin’ to make the world a better place an’ refine how hoomans can rub along together all kinda sweeto.

Sumtimes we fuck it up, sumtimes we fix on a clear winner — but right now we got a kinda experiment, I guess.

We seen more big changes in the world in the past 20 years than mebbe we ever seen before, an’ they come so thick an’ fast we mebbe reelin’ right now.

But I would wanna see 2018-20 as a kinda insightful re-set — like wakin’ up an’ fixin’ your hair after a wild night out.

Aw, but hey — this is your horoscope, not my opportoonity to make with the general astro wisdom, so apols for bein’ kinda unspecific here.

I guess what I am sayin’ is how January looks kinda cool all round for Librans — long asya understand how the Cosmos raised the frickin’ rent on how the whole cool deal works.

It’s a level-up, Sweetie.

Think mebbe that them balancin’ scales you got gonna grow out another yard from the hinge point an’ widen the gap between the baskets you wanna balance.

Saturnian gravity means anythin’ dropped in either basket gonna tip the scales harder an’ require finer skills to balance on the other side.

Aw, but ain’t that whatchya here for?

EXCITED TO THE POINTA BURSTIN’ by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

Gotta figure January is a rollin’ Get Out Of Jail Free card.

Aw, cos ain’t that the best moment in any Monopoly game?

Yeah, we all love ownin’ the place cos we got a fuckin’ skyscraper on Broadwalk, an’ we figure there is way more reality than play in the game when a lame fine for speedin’ lands us in the same kinda shit we felt when IRL times were hard an’ we couldn’t pay the rent — which is why a Get Out Of Jail Free card is so deliciously fantastic in this dog-eat-dog context (despite clear moral concerns that we mebbe permittin’ murderers an’ sex offenders to roam free.)

Anyways, point is … you got a real sweet card to play all month.

Best part?

It is practically superflexible.

Here’s how an ordinary Get Out Of Jail Free card works …

MONOPOLY — Go to jail, vile felon!

YOU — No way! See here my Get Out Of Jail Free card, you draconian monster!

Thanks to the whole Joopiter in Scorpio vibe allied to Saturn rompin’ outta Capricorn in ways a sneaky poison-packin’ subterfuge connoisseur can max out to their advantage, here’s how YOUR card works …

LIFE — I raise a perfectly justified objection to your behavior, as set in stone as Monopoly’s mortgage rules, and I now impose the ultimate sanction upon you!

YOU — Up your fuckin’ ass, loser!

Tellya, you got all kindsa opportoonities to sneak through, bypass, deflect, dismiss an’ defer, it is like the word OBSTACLE got removed from the dictionary an’ replaced with vouchers for 24/7 VR sex with the movie celebritya your choice.

Talkin’ ‘bout sex — be sure to have plenty on the 7th when Mars an’ Joopiter load up hard an’ fast in Scorpio.

It is a Sunday so you mebbe got all day to be disgracefully sinful.

Great time to explore the boundaries on what fires up that special inner explosion we all love so very much.

As a bonus, Mercury an’ Uranus hit on the fiery sweet spot also, so the FUCK ME HARDER script gonna be pure filth.

If’n you can walk straight for the resta January, gotta figure the 2nd week is a great time to throw the same kinda energy at cherished projects an’ people likeya do at manifestin’ ultimate blammo down in Tinglydangly Central.

Mars means business, an’ it’s a firecracker roll till the Capricorn Noo Moon on the 17th when your personal power can really transform shit an’ you mebbe be whuppin’ out that Get Out Of Jail Free card like stripper guys tossin’ their thongs at screamin’ granmas.

WHIPPED UP INTO A FRENZY by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

Worst thing about bein’ a Sagittarius?

I am especially consciousa my responsibilities when writin’ out my Sajjo scopes cos I figure alla this relates to Moi.

I see bad stuff comin’ … I mebbe don’t wannit.

An’ as an optimist, I would wanna flavor it sum way so’s evrywan can be encouraged, myself included.

But I also wanna state it plain an’ frank, no messin’.

Tellya, it is a weird duality kinda tears me apart — like my parents lied an’ I am actschwlly a Gemini.

Ha! Mebbe that is the solootion to alla my dilemmas.

Mebbe I should spend more time roleplayin’ a Gemini, see what happens.

What A Great Idea, O Princess! Maybe Every Goddamn Centaur Under The Sun Should Play Along Also On An Outlandishly Gemini Ticket — Just To See What Crazy Adventures Are Possible! Tell Us More About How To Power Up This Scenario For Max Juicy!

K, first thing to do is look in on your *snigger* January Horoscope for Gemini!

Nah. We Don’t like That. Sounds Kinda Lame. You Got Anything Smarter?

Hey, I was only tryin’ to be as positive as I can for those guys.

Not evrywan got it as easy as us this month.

What? We Thought You Said There Was Bad News?

Hey, I was merely speculatin’ ‘bout how difficult it is sumtimes to write horoscopes forya own sign — an’ I figure plenty other astrologers see the unique problems with this also.

Gotta figure for evry horoscopeya see, onea the Zodiacs has a more personal an’ mebbe subjective flavor for the astrologer writin’ it out.

Natchrlly that observation led me on to the skill Geminis got for steppin’ outside ‘emselves (oftentimes cos there ain’t nowan home) — an’ then you guys showed up an’ started hollerin’ in my ear ‘bout sum typically horse-assed fuckin’ scheme.

And So We Did — We Just Kinda Demanded More From Our Gemini Roleplay Scenario Is All!

Hey — that is not my fuckin’ problem, so butt out.

Ain’t down to me what is in store for Gemini, an’ ifya had let me speak, I woulda gone on to suggest plenty cool ways Sagittarians can max out on the generously productive Noo Year vibes while costoomed as witty an’ vivacious Twinnoes.

Yeah, But We Don’t Wanna Hear All That Crap Now. We Don’t Wanna Hang Around Waiting For January To Rev Up!

Fine. Jus’ go FUCK YOURSELVES, K?

Fuck You!

Fuck you! Go make likeya usual stoopid fuckin’ Sagittarius ass, see what good it doesya.

OVERJOYED by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

Take a look at most evrywan famous an’ you see inconsistencies, shit comin’ in fits an’ starts.

From One Direction to Hitler, evrywan got highs an’ lows, directional changes, Nirvana moments an’ dismal depths.

But what these famous people show is merely what happens to ourselves, only mebbe their stories an’ examples are grander.

Question for Capricorns rn is … what makes famous peoples’ stories more important or engagin’ than the same narrative arcs play out in most evryone else’s lives?

Gotta figure the deal here is product or impact.

For good or ill, gotta figure famous people make an impact on the planet.

They take sumthin’ they got, sumthin’ they create, sumthin’ they believe — an’ turn it to their advantage in the spotlight.

For sure, luck plays a part, an’ for sure there are plenty famous people got famous for bein’ real stoopid cunts — but ifya are thinkin’ long term an’ positive, it’s that long term an positive commitment through highs an’ lows that singles sum people out as successful.

Why is this important?

There are plenty other Zodiacs seek fame more readily than Capricorn, an’ others still whose lifestyle permits more instability — but who craves SUCCESS more’n Capricorn?

Hand-crafted, idiosyncratic, practically smackola success?

Tellya, you guys don’t demand no big time platform or stage to be known for whatchya bring to the table.

An’ here’s the really cool shit.

Whatever lofty heights you ascended to so far — love, luck, money or plain ol’ fuckin’ chocolate — your personal success story gonna romp out sweet in 2018 if’n you got the strength to followya own callin’.

Your dear ol’ pal Saturn is here withya on a trooly special an’ life-changin’ roll till 2020, an’ this openin’ 2018 Capricorn Season giftsya so much goatsy resources it is likeya are a Leo showered in admirers’ rewards.

Shit jus’ swung your way is all.

An’ unlike forge-ahead periods for other signs that feature GOOD TIMES, EFFORTLESS HAPPINESS or EASY MONEY, you know the payoff is only ever relative to the challenge.

Tellya, I wanna hook up with Capricorns rn cosya are the go-to people on the current astroneurological zeitgeist.

As the roll begins, pay close attention to whatchya see needs fixin’ up from the 7th to the 10th aheada the Noo Moon in Capricorn on the 17th.

Get in there, getchya hands dirty, do what is required.

This is big time stuff starta a big time year, an’ if nuthin’ drops outta the bandit forya this week afterya loaded it up with hard work booty an’ pulled the lever, prolly you should rework my Astro Complaint Form Template an’ pitch it to Mother Cosmosis herself.

Tellya, I wanna kissya face.

MODERATELY INTRIGUED by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

Thing ‘bout Noo Year for Aquarians is how it can sumtimes be kinda WTF.

For three weeks, the whole darn planet runs around screamin’ woo hoo woo hoo life is so shiny spankin’ new and glitzily virgin — an’ you are thinkin’ FFS ain’t every day like this, you losers?

Then the fervor drops dead as the Christmas debts loom — jus’ as the whole swankospanko nouveau deal fires up for Aquarius.

Gotta figure seemin’ to come from another planet is all about the timin’, I guess.

Hey, but listen — deal is that 2018 got plenty practical power-ups loaded in its shooter.

They ain’t comin’ cheap an’ they gonna be intense at times, but anywan prepared to do the work an’ stick with the Meaty Meaty gonna find sweet rejuvenation an’ plenty prizes waitin’ at year’s end.

However … I figure Air signs got the bumpiest ride — especially when home planet Uranus drops into the Taurean mud from May.

What I’m sayin’ is mebbe that entrepreneurial wacko & zingo gonna take a little more actual like work — like Eureka moments gonna feature the occasional LOAD SCREEN.

Ain’t gonna meanya are losin’ your sparky or genius — it is jus’ the Capricorn-led Cosmos bootin’ you up the ass an’ invitin’ you not to take shit for granted.

Till 2020, Saturn got big surprises for alla the Zodiacs — but only ifya play by the rules.

Your counterintuitive risk card says you mebbe can go against the grain inya usual sweet way an’ pull sumthin’ colossally provocative outta the bag.

That is the Aquarian way, right?

Alternatively, you can ignore alla that schwango an’ break the rules by playin’ along.

For sure, January really swings out when the Sun zings along into Aquarius on the 20th an’ receives sublime innervation from Mars in Sajjo jus’ a few days later.

Till then, you gotta take a peek into how the Capricorn productivity deal we got runnin’ till 2020 operates.

It is up front, intense & no messin’ — so you got plenty opportoonity to go experiment.

Gotta figure for an Aquarius, Saturn’s machinations are the ultimate Rubik’s Cube — jus’ depends whetherya got the patience to hang around tryin’ to figure it all out.

Aw, but I guess that is the deal right now.

You wanna go play with sumthin’ sparkly, generate twinkly stuff gonna fascinate — go right ahead.

Impendin’ Doom gonna be waitin’ forya onya return, demandin’ to know whenya gonna do sumthin’ ACTSCHWLLY FUCKIN’ USEFUL ‘steada pissin’ around like a self-obsessed ditz.

UNHINGED TO THE POINTA NERVOUS COLLAPSE by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

When I wrote out my Noo Year thoughts for 2017, I was in optimistically combative mood, thinkin’ hard ‘bout how 2016’s eerily negative demise could invite phoenix-type action as soon as frickin’ possible.

As it turned out, 2017 wasn’t so bad in many respects.

Not perfect — but at least the world didn’t end in no all-consoomin’ thunderclap.

For Pisces, mebbe such absencea calamity was not such a big positive deal.

Feelin’ it all, watchin’ friends an’ planet endure hard times — I figureya had a lot more onya plate than mebbe you let on.

An’ it is the way with such things that sumtimes it feels this gonna go on forever.

It Is At This Point That I Would Blow On A Bugle If I Had One. Rotten Luck, But I Will Have to Content Myself With Blowin’ On An Imaginary Benedict Cumberbatch — Preferably With His Hands An’ Feet Bound By My Most Luxurious Bras. FANFARE!

Good news for Pisces is … 2018 gonna be a real neat switchout from alla the incendiary shit we seen recently.

Ain’t gonna be EASY or CUSHY — but you gonna discover a real direction wantsta holdya hand an’ keepya from driftin’ out lost in the water.

Dreams’re fine an’ bliss is sweet, but without sum kinda structure an’ plot you can mebbe findya self at the mercya your own visionary & soulful spunky.

If 2017 packed Air & Fire, 2018 got more Earth an’ Water.

For Pisces, that is a real gift — an’ what makes evrythin’ so special is how it is the right kinda Earth an’ Water.

Virgo earth is real sweet — butchya Pisces got problems here on a mutable opposito ticket, which is why Mother Cosmosis was real generous an’ pitched more immediately beneficial Capricorn & Taurus stuffs for 2017 (an’ I know for a fact she had Pisces in mind when she figured this zinger cos she told me so las’ time she stopped by my apartment to borrow Christmas gift wrap).

As for abundant water, what could be lusher for Pisces than Joopiter in Scorpio?

So — shit is much more to your likin’, much more in toon withya vibe, prolly much easier to deal with despite not necessarily bein’ easier in any kinda intrinsic way.

Full Moon in Cancer starta the year is a sitter, but beyond that, you mebbe wanna explore what Capricornian stability an’ productivity means forya dreams an’ aspirations from the 7th to the 10th.

This gonna be a colosally groundin’ time for evrywan, an’ for Pisces, prolly the first chance you got to crawl from outta 2017 … an’ Christmas … an’ fuckin’ Noo Year … an’ to figure onya pulse an’ where in hellya are.

Do not expect too much movement an’ thinka it like the stock scifi movie scene where the heroine wakes up in a buncha stoopid underwear an’ stumbles around for a whole fuckin’ day feelin’ her own face.

This is a sweet reset, a firmin’ uppa inner paradise, a fresh setta fins for finer swimmin’ days.

You fix up any resolootions?

Go read ‘em again on the 11th an’ revise.

You wanna figure how visionary wanderlust gonna mebbe play out for 2018?

Pay special attention to any horizons pack your imaginings beyond the soft focus centerstage imagry on the 18th.

May your fins flip out sweet an’ your scales glide through more lovin’ waters.

WOWED THEATRICALLY by Princess Balestra’s take on your January 2018 opportunities and fortune? Want to spank her hard on the butt till she screams … and asks for more? Fear not, faithful astro bunnies, for Twitter be your saviour. Tune in to Today’s Astrology Story and YOU ALONE can discover the unfoldin’ secretsa the Cosmos — along with millions of other truth seekers jus’ like you! Sure beats lookin’ at distractin’ kitten photos or readin’ MASTURBATION IS A SIN literature.

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WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

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Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?

Gowan — Squirt This Baby Around Like Fizzin' Champagne