Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

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Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — Jan '17

How This Works

Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

April 2017 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…


March 21st to April 19th

Thing about Noo Year is, you got a self-contained canvas ‘pon whichta romp withya favo grafitti spraycan. Sure, planets’re linin’ up an’ swingin’ on one another, same as always. An’ sure, their collusionsa gravitational illusions ain’t gonna be without consequence. But Noo Year meansya are especially fulla desire. To change stuff. To impact on the planet. To avoid bein’ the fuckwitya were las’ year. But srsly, Noo Year is an awesomely Arian kinda moment, so you gotta take bold strides with whateverya got. An’ I figureya can do that, O energetic mouton, O luscious beasto mwah mwah mwah.

Jus’ gotta watch for sum key dates, K? Moon drops onya for a coupla days on the 5th, but she is kinda driftin’ out on her lonesum after that, so alla the vulnerability ya got in spiteaya fireballs could feel extra tender forya. Make sureya got sum bone-breakin’ mission forefronta your braino, cos there is plentya cool fire wingin’ through the heavens gonna helpya along. Ifya can keepya head fulla brio till the 12th, prolly you gonna make sum real impact cos full moon in Cancer means evryone gonna be offa their frickin’ fliptwats. Be bold. Take the initiative. But jus’ be diplomatic with it, K? Enda the month, Mars rolls inta your sign to pack sum punches, an’ with Venus hot on its tail in a heaven ablaze with fire…hey — let’s jus’ say this is what you gotta keep inya sights at all times from the moment echoesa Auld Lang Syne quit ripplin’ whateverya splooshed inya celebratory Noo Year cocktail glass…


April 20th to May 20th

FFS, we gotta lay ya out on the couch an’ detoxya poor, bloated junkheapa a body. I figureya prolly had more calories throughya ass over the festive season than the membersa the world’s most successful slimmin’ program lost since the starta the decade. Alla that super juicy treato food is jus’ irresistible, right? ‘Specially anythin’ dinky speared with a cocktail stick. So, yeah, you been real frickin’ naughty — an’ now it is time to atone!

Cool thing is, you got plentya purifyin’ water slooshin’ around in the Cosmos to helpya flush out alla those celebratory toxins. I would not wanna be so frank asta suggest January gonna giveya sum kinda spirityool enema, but for sure, there is gonna be sum cleansin’ — an’ I am thinkin’ herea how Venus splashes inta Pisces on the 4th an’ mixes it up with plentya cool Martian love energy for the resta the month. Maaan, you gotta be in shape for that baby, tellya.

Prolly mid-Jan, you gonna be hummin’ an’ rollin’ along, buoyed by stabilisin’ Capricornian optimism. So it is straight downta the biz, ya hear? Cos nuthin’ is gettin’ any easier, an’ the certaintiesya crave gonna mebbe be thinner on the ground in 2017 — less’n you plant ‘em now an’ take real good carea the fuckers. I figureya gotta drill down early on the growth deal an’ put a hold on raidin’ your store cupboard for life-sustainin’ chocoalte an’ pizza overdose till mebbe your birthday. Can’t handle that, mebbe a single pig out per week ain’t gonna killya…


May 21st to June 20th

Joopiter is playin’ a long game withya right now. Started a while back an’ it is gonna last mosta 2017 — an’ this slowburn phenomenon is kinda hard forya flasho fast braino to get its synaptic verve around. That spontaneous thingya got — fickle flickera light, dancin’ from person to person — jus’ has more play in its rope presently, an’ unlessya are super squandersum, you got a real opportoonity to whammo a boost on alla your socializin’ magics. So ifya been partyin’ like crazy for Christmas an’ Noo Year, prolly there is no good reason to stop right away.

Jus’ gotta balance alla this ultra beneficient social stuff with the bummer hardcore that is…Capricorn. So do not leave home withoutya underwear, K? Keep oneaya twinno eyeballs on practicalities at all times, or the big chunka Cappo Earth tumblin’ through the Zodiacsphere gonna tripya up an’ obstructya, prolly even squish vital flooids outtaya boobies.

Thing is, ya got Aquarius Time comin’ on a roll enda the month for that almost un-Geminaic regularitya Renaissance. Christmas an’ Noo Year is kinda cool — but also kinda formal an’ predictable. Enda January is where the real novelty begins for alla you twinnies out on an exploratory jaunt, an’ this yearya got an extra bonus bonanza c/o an Aquarian Noo Moon on the 27th.

So be gladda heart an’ fizzya dizzy, like summaya Christmas tree tinsel got stuck upya ass all horseytail swishy. Lotta signs got a stuttery start to 2017. But you ain’t.


June 21st to July 22nd

Gotta figure Christmas an’ Noo Year are real big on family an’ friends (also Thanksgivin’, ifya are party to that celebratory romp). Plentya touchin’ warmesta base, plentya catchin’ up, plentya’ helpin’ out with other people’s problems. Then January kicks in an’ it is like where the fuck did evryone go? Alla that nurturin’ you got wantin’ to burst outtaya kinda finds itself confronted by a void, likeya are sum super diligent eagle sittin’ on a buncha twigs whereya young once were. Only a single fluffy feather remains, blowin’ soft in the breeze, an’ hooked so precariously on the nest thatcha dare not even caress it withya beak for fear it might be carried away forever…


But listen, you got hard stuff as well as soft stuff, an’ you gonna ride out any January bleako withya customary determination. So throw yourself at sum job or project gonna take sum timeta build up. Get sum real productive focus powerin’ up those pincers for maxo grippygnasho. See, cos middlea the month is when shit happens. Mercury swings outta reverse mode an’ heads into grindo Capricorn, jus’ as a Full moon drops inya lap on the 12th. Ride out the empty, prepare for the full on. Lotta signs prolly would falter on such a wide swinga mood, but whadda they frickin’ know about alla the beautydeep stuff?

“From her lonesum tears, she did distil ether nectar, 75% proof, tellya. An’ when the Moon swung round her way, she did imbibe herself sum warmth and giddiest giggles gonna echo throughta February.”


July 23rd to August 22nd

Thing about bein’ an astrologer is, you gotta roll with whatever intooitionsya get, even if that means tryin’ to figure out who is gonna win the Superbowl on the basisa swirls inya favo cocktail. So, hey Leo, prolly you gotta roll a little also starta 2017 cos I gotta say, the omens don’t look too bright forya. This don’t mean no imminent Armageddon or Apocalypse, butchya may have days whenya feel like sumone jus’ hosedya down in a noo cologne called Essence Of Ragnarok.

Perhaps I am layerin’ on the hyperbole here — but I know howya loves that. Thing is, starta 2017 is kinda a test, an’ Mother Cosmosis is bowlin’ this one atchya for a reason. (I tried textin’ her to find out what, but she is playin’ coy, the sly ol’ bat.) So you gotta big up on heart an’ creativity, an’ do not be diminished by mebbe the sense that evryone else is havin’ a ball an’ whoopin’ it up while you are left to swingya tail betweenya legs in a corner, chewin’ on a raw carrot. I figure prolly your best shot is the weekenda 14/15 when the Moon splashes down in your sign. Stick it out, rev up for that baby, an’ go get fucked on whatever isya thing. Tellya, I wanna be real happy forya, but you got a lame hand is all. No emergency, no time for violins — that is what bein’ a Leo is all about, right?

(Aw, K — mebbe 6 or 7 violins for jus’ a little mood music, playin’ soft in the background so ya can slapya lush ol’ leonine lips with a glimmera pride an’ figure on sum shuteye whenya wannit so’s your inner feline makes like a cosmos-powerin’ battery renewin’ its inherent superblasto…)


August 23rd to Sepember 22nd

Gotta say January gonna be a montha super diligence forya. Ha! I know this is true, always, but starta 2017 is a real opportoonity to throw onya Gogglesa Scrupliciousness an’ treat ‘em like sum wizard’s familiar. An’ why so? Lotta Venus an’ Mars action crackin’ off inya opposite signa Pisces right now, which means plentya fireworks fillin’ up the skiesa amour an’ blendyjuicy. Uhm … but mebbe not for you. But do not letcha self be pooped out that alla this stuff ain’t comin’ your way right now, an’ do not be distracted by no longin’ for any kinda actionta drop inya lap. Stuff gonna happen later in 2017, an’ seedsa it all start now. An’ who cares ifya ain’t center stage in 2017’s introductory dance ensemble anyways? Smart moves always come later, such are the rulesa narrative. So you gotta stick to the rules here, K?

So listen, about those gogglesya got. Trainya lenses real close up on finance, an’ mebbe you gonna pull sum rabbit outta the hat. Level outya Christmas spendin’, fix up your vacation, keepya eye on the facilitatin’ bedrockaya moolah. This prolly ain’t got the glitza the party gowin’ on elsewhere in the Zodiacal menagerie through January, but I figure you seen this deal over an’ over. Jus’ get on with the biz an’ waitya super prepared turn. After all, what is fortune an’ opportoonity compared to beautifully an’ cleverly orchestrated blissa a specifically chosen nature? (This is not a rhetorical question btw — I would really love to knowya secret cos I am frickin’ useless at this kinda shit, …)


September 23rd to October 22nd

Oh lookee here — it is like frickin’ Tigger bust his way outta the movie an’ come Bouncy Bouncy Bouncy Bouncy Fun Fun Fun Fun Fun all over the resta us. But that is what happens whenya got Joopiter rollin’ around inya smalls drawer. Thing is, the lucka the drawer is withya, Snoopy dancin’ around on the slow burner, waitin’ forya to warmya hands whenever sensea oblivion’s chill strikesya. Sure, it is a quirky kinda fortune, cos Uranus is whappin’ up the mixture, but in the final analysis, even the dipsy dopsy doopsiesta jumpin’ beans is a keeper.

Jus’ gotta keepya focus on alla the Cardinal hardcore rockin’ around right now. You got a whole year aheadaya, an’ this is only the starta it. So keep real with big plans gotta last the whole year through, an’ watch for peelin’ allaya emergency Libran Vegetables early. Moon an’ Venus in Aquarius on Day One might tepmptya all overexooberant stoopid ifya do not maintain sum balanced sensea proportion, so thinka it as a kinda rehearsal. Sun drops in Aquarius later in the month, by which time you’lla got sum feel for the distinct an’ singular Noo Year rollin’ underya feet, an’ you can prolly let looseya lyrical fruitiness with lessa the misharmonics.

Also, I am gettin’ a real strong message about PANTS. Comin’ through loud an’ clear, I hear DO NOT PURCHASE THOSE PANTS!!! I figure you an’ you alone will know what this means when the moment strikes. So jus’ be warned, K? I do not wantcha to blowya chance for cool stuff this year cosya invested in sum frickin’ stoopid pants madeya look like an asshole.


October 23rd to November 21st

Stoopid thing about writin’ out horoscopes is howya kinda hit a low spot roundabout Sign #8. It is like early afternoon in grindo dayjobland, when the day startsta drag, anya get all antsy for coffee an’ pee breaks (or nicotine ifya roll with that kinda schwango). So I am holdin’ back on my personal passions here, jus’ so’s I do not pissya. (Remind me next month to mix shit up sum an’ write outya stuff straight offa the block. Prolly then you gonna get sumthin’ like Dear sweet frickin’ Jesus, Scorpio — how in hell we gonna containya this month, you vesuvian lovelava squirter incarnate? Tellya, that shit is so hard to summon from the Muserly Ether whenya only thought is I WANNA FRICKIN’ CHOCOLATE BISCUIT!)

*zen-like pause, as astrologer de-ditzes an’ re-attoons with the wavesa cosmic vapors swishin’ around between her legs under her seat*

Thing is, Venus an’ Mars got sumthin’ real sweet gowin’ on in Pisces mosta January, an’ it is so hot, they pull in Neptoon from outta the depths midmonth with a bonus option danglin’ like a pluckable fruit from a Cancer Full Moon. That is kinda steamy an’ seemy, jus’ the way you wannit, so whatever obstacleya got starta 2017 (“The Capricorn Factor”), plentya flooid sensuality an’ intooition gonna blendya passions around ‘em all in juicy pulses.

So … uhm … thanks for that. I kinda feel better now. Truth be told, my legs’re all quivery. So, hey — to hell with that coffee gonna pull me outta my slump. I am inspired now, thanksta thinkin’ boutcha. Prolly you should pull that trick on sum other people in January, yeah? Delish.


November 22nd to December 21st

Noo Year! Ha! Ain’t that jus’ so funny? Cos it is likeya hadya foot planted in parta it since mebbe Hallowe’en, whenya natural wanderlust bounded on ahead from outta the pumpkin patch. Tellya, even ifya goofed out an’ dumpedya foot in 2017’s ass whileya were trippin’ over tryin’ to show off your ballet or kung fu skills to an audiencea admirers, prolly there is nuthin’ entirely noo about the twelve months about to spin. This is not to say you are inherently psychic cos prolly you are jus’ weirdly stoopid. Who frickin’ cares anyways? 2017 droppeth.

Gotta talk salad withya. Yeah, you heard right: sah frickin’ lad. See, crazy stuffs’re happnin’ for allaya horse-assed archers right now, an’ summa it is undeniably poopypants. Sumtimes, you gotta dig deep an’ fight that stuff — even if the only weaponya got is a paira ferocious mittens you got offaya Grandma for Christmas. Other wayta go battlin’ the poopy is kinda more holistic, homeopathic — an’ way less effort. In truth, it’s more like a forma sophisticated grazin’ whereya chill out in a meditative fashion, maintainin’ your composure while summa the monster planets rain down de-jovializin’ boulders ‘ponya weary head. Fight it not, this Saturnine beast plaguein’ your soul, an’ watchya tongue starta the month while Mercury asses around in reverse mode. By your lettuce munchin’ shall ye find inner peace. By your calculatedly bovine artichoke chompin’ shall ye revealya strength. By your grimace-ridden kale swallowin’ shall ye discoverya soulful depths. For sure, you gonna clean out alla the frickin’ junkya loaded up insideaya over Yulesyfesty.


December 22nd to January 19th

WORLD: So, how’s it gowin’, Cappy?

CAPRICORN: I have labored long and hard, worked all aspects of my life into shapes that please me most — shapes whose functional elegance exalts those who choose to be my companions. Also, can you lose the ‘Cappy’ deal? It’s offensive and disrespectful — and even the attention-seeking Captain America is quick to dismiss it as an informal monicker.

WORLD: Uhm … so it’s gowin’ more or less OK, right?

CAPRICORN: The Sun is in my sign for the critical opening days of 2017, which provides me with immense opportunities for turning all manner of tides to my advantage while others flounder and dither, their tongues held fast in their mouths by Mercury’s conveniently misdirected spin. In just 21 days, I shall prime my year to KA-BOOM from determination’s mighty cannon, crushing all in its path with the precision of a spherical Mount Everest under my telekinetic control.

WORLD: And … and that is good, Yeah? That’s like all I really want to know…

CAPRICORN: The heavens deliver me succour in abundance. Filled with celestial radiance, I shall plot and plan and scheme my future into shape, just as if I were a potter forming clay into magnificent urns.

WORLD: You’re fuckin’ nuts, aintcha?

CAPRICORN: Your thoughts are no concern of mine. Now begone, bothersome insect! I have work to do, vital work. Why does no one ever believe attaining dominion over all things is NOT A HOBBY…?


January 20th to February 18th

Willya quit playin’ with allaya Christmas presents for jus’ one frickin’ minute? ‘Specially if they are noo phones or gadgetsya can customize? Cos 2017 gonna be ‘bout more’n sum dinky noo ringtones. Or boots. (Actschly, I figure summaya got real dinky boots inya stockin’, which is kinda counter intuitive, but also cute. Dunno what it is, but you water bearin’ types are sexy as hell at wearin’ boots. I know it is partly a utilitarian deal cozza the water you spill, but I appreciate howya never duck out on loadin’ up the basics with accessory straps an’ zips.)

Thing is, Spring is here enda the month for Aquarius. Evryone else gotta wait out till April while the harsh windsda February freeze their frickin’ tinglydanglies off, but you are bang on the money when it comesta bein’ a prescient angel. In the facea direst chill, sumhowya manage to melt an’ ooze out like a heralda change. In killer boots. Withya phone gowin’ beepity boopity bops wops ker-lops.

*SPOILER — You now gonna recoil in horror as loudmouth Balestra ruins the party!!! *

Prolly for the first weeka Jan, you are gonna talk a buncha real shit — not justya usual off-the-wall Uranianese frickin’ sonnets, but srsly freako stuff gonna getcha inta trouble.

So go get sum duct tape, an’ wait for the party when the Sun flops betweenya boobies for the weekend beginnin’ the 20th. Followin’ weekend, you got a Noo Moon to play with.

Mission statement over.

Go goof around big time.


February 19th to March 20th

Sumtimes, lust an’ amour drip from life’s faucet with the regularitya Plooto / Neptoon conjunctions. Other times, the flow is more regular, a sweet pulse all kinda life-sustainin’ in its generosity. Thenya got sumthin’ like January, when platoonsa bodybuilder firefighter types gotta brave grabbin’ sum outta control whip snake hosepipe without its impossibly forceful gusha liquid blastin’ their poor little heads right offa their frickin’ bodies.

Venus an’ Mars in Pisces!
Got yummy in my tummy.
Butterfly Nicies.

(You singin’ along with me? Fuck the toon, don’t matter — jus’ wail randomly, whatever feels good.)

Who cares what the frickin’ price is?
Love is on me!
Zero crisis!

You got any sense, you prolly wanna bark this in the mall. Normally, you’d getyaself arrested, but right now this kinda ploy gonna getya noticed as a sophisticated romance machine capablea evrythin’ an’ afraida nuthin’.

Actschly, to hell with the barkin’ — you gotta yelp. Pack sum chocolate an’ a buncha flowers inya back pocket an’ things could get real serious out there. Tellya, I already ordered my anti-drool skin suit for when I am out shoppin’ jus’ in case I bump inta anya you seriously lurved-up Pisces types.

So — sorry I can’t helpya with career an’ money advice right now. Your fault for bein’ all dreamy-eyed oblivious to evrythin’ but steamy passion with lashingsa juice. Don’t even know why I am writin’ alla this cos you prolly can’t see nuthin’ for steam…



Nope. UR totally fuckin’ gone, Pisces…

Gowan — Squirt This Baby Around Like Fizzin' Champagne