Horoscope Archive August 2018<span class="sdata2" title="2018-09-04T08:16:17+00:00"></span>

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

divine astrologer promoting eternal radianceSlide thumbnail

Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — August '18

How This Works

Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

August 2018 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for luck fame & fortune in august 2018
horoscope fate future stars prediction

ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

NEED HOT TIPS FOR GETTIN’ THE MOST OUTTA YOUR HOROSCOPE?

Count Me The Hell On In, Sister!

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

Main deal for August is how your home planet Mars is in the ugliest kinda retro since the Trump administration toyed with bringin’ back slavery.

This is a prolonged an’ uncomfortable phase whereby Monsieur Fiery Ass spins outta control through Aquarius an’ into Capricorn.

Picture a planet-sized hippo wrapped in tinder, stompin’ backwards toward a big ole Circus hoop.

In the stunt the hippo worked out with the ringmaster, he runs toward the hoop with a modest flame bustin’ outta his back an’ comedically fails to leap through the hoop.

Yeah yeah ha ha ha — fuckin’ stoopid hippo jus’ romps on an’ trashes the hoop!

Only like I said, things don’t go accordin’ to plan.

First, the clown torchin’ the tinder turns the hippo into a fireball.

Hippo lights up like a stompy inferno an’ backs off at speed toward the hoop — only he misses it an’ rampages headlong into the audience where 100 newly married sweethearts await the show … along with a BABY PONY.

Word I would use to describe this Mars scenario is reckless disaster zone on legs whose capacity for random destruction is exceeded only by Kimmee the Nooker pressin’ the KOREAN BUTTON cos he woke up one mornin’ with his hair all outta place an’ decided … ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

But, listen — if astrology teaches us anythin’, it says we can’t go round excusin’ ourselves for BITIN’ PEOPLE or KICKIN’ THEIR STOOPID FUCKIN’ DOGS HARD IN THE ASS jus’ cos our home planet done made out all spazzo.

That said, in August’s Leo-ignited heat, where four other planets mix an’ match on a destabilisin’ retro ticket, ain’t no point pretendin’ your usual provocative energies won’t wanna blaze out all disruptive evry once in a while … yanno, like kinda 24/7.

So listen, mebbe set aside a few emergency dollars an’ go visit sumplace like the Hannibal Lecter Fan Site merchandise page — or even GimpBay.

They got all kindsa straitjackets, masks an’ manacles for SUBDOOIN’ even the loonest monster — which means incandescent Aries can mebbe get through the day job without too much violence an’ relax at home later only marginally able to level the neighborhood on an ill-tempered whim.

Back To Top

TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

The BIG ONE is comin’.

Raw an’ juicy an’ throbbin’ with energy gonna pump an’ pound its way into your life, this is one celestial wiener to getchya hands on an’ squeeze real hard.

Been firmin’ up for a while now … but through August we gonna see sum real deal Taurus rocket power blast its way onto the scene.

Planets responsible are a coupla real leviathans — an’ for background, you may wanna check in here …

Saturn in Capricorn — actschwlly this is more ‘bout 2018 an’ resolootion for practical change, but I keyed in plenty goatsy references.

Uranus in Taurus — Who doesn’t love a celestial mismatch promisin’ fundamental revolootion?

Thing is, both these planets form a trine — which is kinda like a threesum arrangement with one person missin’ (yet still receivin’ alla the selfies & movie footage).

Prominent 18th Century Dutch astrologer gal Marianne Pindakaas summed it up best in a haiku to her secret lesbian mistress …

Not fully complete

we nonetheless cavort as

blissful union.

No, waitaminute — that mighta been her recipe for minestrone that skipped the noodles cozza her allergy.

Point is, this trine is an Earth-centered blend packin’ long-term constructive stamina alongside deeply disruptive changes to growth spurt potential.

Plenty astrologers consider this aspect so important they writin’ in termsa global change — an’ while there ain’t no doubt this is major stuff, we gotta be real downhome ‘bout shit an’ stick to essentials like what this means for your pocket, your career — an’ your sensation-crazy undercarriage.

Best way to think about this is to imagine a secret portal to an alternative reality opens up alongside your purse, your workplace entrance … or your panty drawer.

Momentarily, you behold a whole noo YOU — fundamentally recognisable in body, spirit an’ legwear, yet sumhow diffrent, repurposed, an’ workin’ that ole Taurus magic in a sublimely altered way.

Your leap through the portal is a split-second thing — an’ there is risk.

Will you be the car tumblin’ haplessly into the earthquake-spawned ravine?

Or the hope that took a shot at materially exotic manifestation as might start out with goosebumps an’ build into a whole noo touch on the planet?

Tbh, if’n you askin’ those kindsa questions, I got no idea why you choosin’ to hang out with no lame & ditzy astrologer gal.

So, yeah — day one, getchya hands on the Big One & stay with the action till the 25-27th when evrythin’ fires off.

That is all the astrology you need right now save for all the usual stuff ‘bout watchin’ your weight an’ lookin’ effortlessly allurin’ even if you wearin’ a fuckin’ SACK …

Back To Top

GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

Sorry, guys — but Gemini been banned for August.

tbh there been so many complaints ‘bout you keepin’ people awake at night, they decided to do sumthin’ ‘bout it.

But listen, that don’t meanya gotta be expelled into the Void or poofed outta existence like a teen fart at a sleepover where the adults forgot to hide away the alcohol an’ matches.

Jus’ means spendin’ 31 days in the Naughty Corner.

An’ hey, mebbe that ain’t so bad — cos evrywan knows how much Gemini loves to be naughty.

So as five planets make with the retro spin, an’ the Sun radiates generous Leo warmth to evry crevice — incloodin’ underneath fat gals’ tits where it ain’t even needed — here’s a 5-point action plan for sproocin’ upya life …

August 6 — Venus enters fellow Air sign Libra. Time to invest in looser undergarments for that provocative fairy minx feel. Looks hot, feels real naughy, circulates the air to your tinglydanglies.

August 8 — Uranus goes retro in Taurus. If’n you writin’ your 19th novel, you got great scope for observational comedy here so go make with the narrative like a total bitch queen.

August 11 — Noo Moon in Leo. Great time to rearrange alla your behind-the-scenes selves into a bold noo front end for max impact. So dig out a mirror an’ go rehearse your devastatin’ Autumn persona.

25 August — Sun enters Virgo as the two other Earth signs shake up the planet. But you in the Naughty Corner so that prolly means watchin’ TV, meditatin’ or bringin’ yourself off with a banana.

26 August — Full Moon in Pisces. Lay back an’ take in the melodrama.

Hey — an’ then it is September!

How dinky is that for an easy-on easy-off astro forecast?

Back To Top

CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

As the Cosmos heats up an’ its key protagonists clash an’ suffer, there is one among the mortals who takes it in her stride.

Let the Universe make out as it desires!

Its machinations are no concern of mine!

For I am Cancer, an’ ima crabby fuckin’ sourpuss, come what may!

Though wider forces may seek to tempt me from my evryday gripes an’ moans, I will not flinch from makin’ evrythin’ happens kinda personal!

Let retro Mars clash with all comers, let Mercury in retro savage world comms phone by phone, an’ let disruptive Uranus in Taurus trash the financial world to tits by the enda August — nuthin’ gonna stop me gripin’ ‘bout evrywan leavin’ the toilet paper offa the hook after they done wiped their fuckin’ assholes so’s it coils round the floor like a dead, albino python!

An’ a THANK YOU don’t ever go amiss when I cooked dinner.

WHO CARES WHAT IS GOWIN’ ON WITH THE LUNAR CALENDAR?

I put my heart an’ soul into that bolognaise las’ week an’ nowan said fuckin’ doodly squat!

An’ before anywan says ima playin’ my regular moody fucker — mebbe if resta ya demonstrated sum basic emotional intelligence we could see eye to eye on alla the important stuff without nowan treatin’ me like a hysterical loon 24 fuckin’ 7.

It ain’t MY fault you all got empathic wizardry to rival a fuckin’ ROCK in a barren wasteland don’t figure no OTHER FUCKIN’ ROCKS.

So to hell with what the planets sayin’ right now — this is IRL stuff affects me real deep, an’ I wanna see sum changes, K?

A little more CARE. A little more THINKIN’. A little more THANKS.

Or ima lose the plot real good this time.

Sulk till I fuckin’ ROT.

Mmmmmm, yeah — I got the horn now. C’mere …

This Astrology Scenario is brought to you by Princess “Cosplay” Balestra. Clad in a wrap-around towel and slippers borrowed from a friend, she channels the Cancer vibe for the benefit of the world as she leaps from sofa to bed in a theatrical haze. She also attracts the attention of the gal in the neighboring apartment who figures someone is being murdered, and when said gal knocks on Balestra’s door, everyone’s favorite astrology Princess is up to the part in the scenario where she is purring Mmmmmm, yeah — I got the horn now. C’mere — thus proving beyond doubt that astrology combines the celestial with the circumstantial in ways that forever open up our hearts to the possibility of eternal love grown out of spontaneous whim. Only the gal smacked me in the chops an’ I ain’t seen her since …

Back To Top

LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

Gotta tellya, Leo — you in real danger rn if’n you are a YOGA aficionado.

See, cos ifya are in any kinda all fours posture, alla that solar radiance you got beamin’ outta your ass could finish you off.

Get the tilt on your head jus’ right … an’ stick your tushy out likeya really mean it, an’ alla them sunbeams gonna whooshie round the planet in a big ole circle — an’ BLIND YA.

Ha ha — but ain’t it great bein’ a Leo right now?

Evry Zodiac has its “season” — an’ this is whereya show alla the loser fuckers how it’s done.

Jus’ gotta watch for a coupla hiccups along the way as might take the sheen offa your pompy stompy playtime.

Evrywan feelin’ the quintoople retrograde planetary action rn, but Leo gonna take sum targeted hits.

Both the Mars an’ Uranus retros are in fellow fixed signs an’ from mid-August, you prolly wanna figure sum slack on the panache deal.

For sure you always gonna put on a neat show, warm evrywan’s heart with your generous hoobris, but extra work gonna be needed to elevate beyond mere spectacle to be sure you got ‘em all eatin’ outta your hand.

Rough edges also on August 9 — so mebbe drop recitin’ Shakespeare quotes in the mall to inspire THE HEARTS of THE PEOPLE an’ go sightseein’ toppa a skyscraper.

Big deal to watch for is enda the month when a whole buncha Earth signs hog the celestial stage an’ hold Saturn, Uranus an’ the Sun to ransom.

As a Leo, natchrlly you don’t need to hear any detail — jus’ to say, this is an astro spectacle pulls in alla the world’s premier astrologers for commentary an’ opinion ‘bout HOW THE PLANET GONNA BE CHANGED FOREVAH — yanno, like a once in a millennium eclipse or lookee Venus had a kyewt wickle baybee.

Gonna mebbe feel raw an’ weirdsy, but August 25-27 be a cool time to put on a show, float a noo initiative, or otherwise shimmy an’ shake in the spotlight.

You’ll thinka sumthin’.

Back To Top

VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd 

Likely your forensic astro brain heard all about Mercury Retrograde.

Yanno the deal — communication planet flies backwards an’ messagin’ as a concept makes a beeline down the pan.

Comes round real regular, klutzin’ onya life in ways so seemingly unavoidable it is like pro astrologers worldwide be clappin’ their hands in glee cozza all the free fuckin’ clickbait.

Problem is, Mercury is home world for Virgo.

Alla which means a maligned kinda astro reality is inescapable … written into the stars!

But there is sumthin’ to consider here … sumthin’ positive.

Think for a sec ‘bout alla the other retro planets we got gowin’ down in August.

Radiatin’ out from the Sun, we got Mars, Saturn, Uranus an’ Neptoon.

Now imagine what happens to alla the Zodiacs got these planets as home base when the retro shit hits the fan.

Losin’ the plot in concentric circles, we got Aries, Capricorn, Aquarius an’ Pisces.

Gotta figure Aries gonna self-destruct, Capricorn gonna fall apart, Aquarius gonna lose the plot they never even had, an’ Pisces gonna drown in a sea of deloosion.

But Virgo?

Hey, you gonna SEE CONTRAST.

When life is either Mercury Direct or Mercury Retrograde — that makes evrythin’ an information-deliverin’ experiment.

Prolly this is where your natchrylly incisive communicatorial smarts come from.

Your life is a real scientific test, day to day!

Compare an’ contrast THIS with THIS — an’ go figure sumthin’ real smart which also happens to be TRUE.

I so wanna MWAH MWAH MWAH onya face for alla that inherent genius, but I know howya ain’t to keen on that kinda showy applause.

Plus I realise this ain’t properly no August horoscope an’ merely a treatise on what Mercury Retrograde means specifically to Virgo.

Call me visionary, but I figure I gonna have my ass spanked so hard I mebbe gotta wear BIG GIRL PANTIES for a coupla days till the frickin’ lumps go down.

Back To Top

LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

As a Sajjo, I am dooty bound to tell it like it is.

So, listen — while I love alla the Zodiacs equally and endeavor always to give evrywan a fair chance an’ a hopeful horoscope, when I come to Libra, I pretty much always snicker.

If’n I got coffee, sumtimes my blouse gets splashed.

Truth be told, if’n I been drinkin’ plenty coffee, it is all I can do to stop myself peein’ down my fuckin’ legs.

Aw, see — now you really got me gowin’, you exotically foppish troubadour!

How in hell I ‘sposeda dish the astro deets now?

*snort*

Ha! Libra!

Thing is, I was gonna say how Venus comin’ home to Libra from August 6 offers a real bountifuk experience through Leo Season an’ beyond, but I figure now you gonna think I only said it as an apology cos mebbe I seen I hurtya feelings.

But actschwlly — whose fault is that?

Ain’t my fault you misinterpret praise when it is bowled from left field an’ unbalances yr ass.

Ain’t my fault neither how said Libran Venus makes a whole buncha challengin’ aspects to other planets through August — like Saturn an’ Joopiter.

Gonna come clean withya now, been buildin’ up for a while tbh.

YOU CAN’T FUCKIN’ SING.

*snort*

Ha! Libra!

Aw, you really got me in the mood for fun fun fun!

So to hell with this month’s horoscope schwango — my stargazy smarts be helpless before yr Snoopy dancin’ ass.

Mebbe come back September an’ I try to behave myself …

Back To Top

SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

I got talkin’ to a friend a while back, an’ she asked me, “is it true that Scorpios source their considerable and manipulative power from the sadistic pleasure they take in feeding on the suffering of others?”

Thing is, she a Scorpio, an’ she left me bound an’ gagged under her bed for a week before she let me answer.

Like I said sumplace else, problem Scorpio got is how the Empathy Switch won’t ever turn off.

This means that unlike Aquarius, you got no option but to base your whole existence on total emo input — an’ alongside a whole buncha other people’s vulnerabilities washin’ onya, you got your own vulnerabilities permanently under threat from ill will you cannot shut out.

That’s why feedin’ on sufferin’ ain’t neither a necessary evil nor a warped kinda choice — it is merely parta the mix makes up your life challenge alongside the gifts you bring for takin’ action to avert sufferin’.

Tbh if Scorpio were an Earth sign, they be ultra powerful.

You could sift an’ sort alla that emo stuff an’ set it all in its place.

Anyways, point is how August gonna be a real INPUT month.

Retrograde planetary action be grindin’ plenty people down, an’ when Uranus swings along into the fray to go expose himself to retro Saturn at month’s end, we got firecracker change an’ disruption gonna roll out the emo till it SCREAMS.

So much astrology narrative surroundin’ this moment reads all generative an’ creative, mainly cozza the Uranian deal — but as a Scorpio, you know the real deal is what has to die?

This don’t mean you gotta strangle your fuckin’ cat in order to get ahead — but prolly you wanna cut an’ prune a whole buncha stuff ready for the Autumn.

Like I said, stuff gotta be set in its place — a hard trick to pull whenya are a walkin’ tsunami adrift in a whirlpool, but I am tryin’ to level here.

An’ August 19 be a good day to kick back an’ take detective Scorpio stock.

By the Pisces Full Moon on August 26, prolly the waters gonna offer a sweeter ride …

Back To Top

SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

Best thing ‘bout bein’ a Sajjo durin’ Leo Season is the sense that the ground ahead been finessed with pamper spirit.

Cos yanno how it is as a wilderness wanderlust explorer — sumtimes you find yourself in places so far out you daren’t even take a pee jus’ in case WEIRD BUGS with MANDIBLES LIKE BEAR TRAPS come CRAWLIN’ OUTTA THE MURK an’ thrust WEIRD POISONED STINGERS an’ ROT-INFESTED FEELERS the fuck upya poor, sweet CUNNYHOLE.

With Leo up there rockin’ the Soleil, it is not uncommon to discover random chocolates an’ cushions spread about the place to offer succor durin’ your adventurin’ travails.

So like whenya are makin’ out along the Inca trail, your lungs bleedin’ from lacka Oxygen an’ your skin drippin’ with so much sweat you got no clue whether you gonna dehydrate or drown, how sweet it is to discover Leo left a battery-powered nail file hangin’ from a tree!

On the 7th day lost in sum hostile an’ bomb-blitzed city sprawl, your nerves all a-jangle from the threat of abduction or torture, what a joy to find a bunny book, fulla bunny pictures to make your biddy widdy heart sing!

An’ after weeks in sum Sun-ravaged desert Abyss, whenya panties so messed up it is like you got a B movie monster writhin’ around inya gusset, what a treat it is to chance upon a musical crowbar.

So I would wanna hope you gonna find plenty random treats out there in life’s windswept August dustbowl — real neato shit pulls in that fine relationship between the generous zodiac kitty an’ the loudmouth, horse-assed archer.

I would wanna hope also how you gonna thank Pussypops for her You-centric generosity, year on year, cos natchrlly evrythin’ ain’t rosy for her jus’ cos it her season.

That is why you gotta rear up all ultra Sajjo on the followin’ days, fire off sum cool shit an’ swanky out on the good times.

These’re days when Leo ain’t mebbe runnin’ on FULL POWAH, so you gotta step up, play your part, less’n the resta the Zodiac horde PERISH cos they so fuckin’ LAME.

Uhmm … waitaminite — I figured I saw a whole buncha these, but now I look closer in my ephemeris, I only got August 7 an’ 19.

Hey, so fuck that — gotta figure this is an insufficiently lousy scenario to warrant Leo needin’ no help.

An’ anyways, Leo got plenty cool power-ups gonna make her life sweet, like the Noo Moon on August 11 an’ a cool Mercury/Sun aspect on day 11.

So, yeah, mebbe eat alla the chocolates an’ throw on alla the swishy scarves an’ be damned.

As a special favor, holler Lucky Princess Balestra Promo Code into the Void any time on the 8th an’ expect celestial bounties.

PROMO CODE — XQ3-BJKF67G

Back To Top

CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

Wanna know sumthin’ prolly I shouldn’t say?

As a respected astrologer person with celestial wisdom flowin’ so abundant outta her spirityool whammy hole she prolly oughta live in a giant swim pool steada a modest apartment jus’ in case she floods her buildin’?

Truth is, I gettin’ bored with Saturn in Capricorn now.

FFS, we had eight months!

That is like bein’ seriously fuckin’ pregnant!

An’ I seen how them Almost a Mom! gals suffer — gowin’ mad crazy cos they ain’t eaten their favo stuff in months cos it makes ‘em sick, so scared their boobies ain’t never gonna stop growin’ an’ they gonna be shipped out to THE COLONIES fore’n they suffocate strangers by accident in the mall, an’ unable to walk without bendin’ their knees like monkeys jus’ in case BABY schloops out early an’ gets brained on the fuckin’ sidewalk.

Yeah yeah — an’ the whole uncomfortable scenario lasts till 2020.

Aw, but this is jus’ MOI bein’ all PERNICKETY.

You goatsy guys’re havin’ a real swell time.

I got sayin’ in the Virgo scope what a deal it is for those virgins havin’ home planet Mercury swingin’ in an’ out on their mojo their whole lives through.

You guys get the whole Home Planet Power Up Plan in a single cucumber in the pooper BLAM — which means swankyin’ about the place onya high hoss effusin’ celestial grandeur for years at a stretch.

Course, inbetween times, you got mebbe 20 years to be real frickin’ grouchy — but what is pleasure if not an orgasm-promptin’ treat beached in an unrelentin’ void of misery?

Tellya, August 10, you guys come into your own.

Venus swoops into Libra, an’ evrywan be so fulla joy they gonna sing — hoomanity’s sweetest chorus, beltin’ out lyrical equality stuffs, bright as nightingales.

Your contribution?

You get to throw open the shutters on your bunker an’ yell SHUT THE FUCK UP!

An’ on the 13th, Mars retrogrades back into your sign, bringin’ a real skippety go-ahead feel to the world an’ her abundant zeal.

I could go on, but tbh I don’t wanna giveya CLUES gonna helpya BRING EVRYWAN DOWN.

But I figure that is howya like it best, huh?

A challenge?

I mean FFS look who you got as dream lovers up there in the celestial boudoir!

Easy-as-pie-to-rub-along-with-or-satisfy Taurus an’ Virgo!

Tellya, the only thing missin’ from your astrological utility kit is three heads an’ a gangrenous tentacle flaps from outta your throat evry time you thinka kissin’ sumone …

Back To Top

AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

I said las’ month how you were TO BLAME for mosta the astro shit gowin’ down — an’ I am sorry to report: STILL TRUE.

Thing is, ima kinda enjoyin’ this whole Mars retro in Aquarius deal.

For sure, I ain’t dressed proper in weeks an’ mosta what has flowed from my writerly brain resembles language only in the same way a baby shittin’ liquid stuffs while her diaper bein’ changed offers up Rorschach-inspired imagry for illiterate goobers — but I ain’t complainin’.

It been a real cool opportoonity for Aquarius to showcase her unique talents.

An’ though most evrywan prolly reelin’ like they been pepper-sprayed in the eyeballs, we gotta be thankful always for the unique insights such distinctive planetary configurations squirtsy forth.

Take August 2, for example.

Here we see that retro Aquarian Mars square up to Taurus in your home planet Uranus.

You want your tits blowin’ off by unadulterated weirdness, this be the planetary aspect for you!

An’ when Uranus whooshies all retro on August 8, ain’t your finest disruptive vibes rompin’ smacko in the most unsettlin’ ever ascendant?

Gotta figure bcs August is Leo Season (party time for your opposite Zodiac sign), typically you runnin’ against the tide, so you gotta figure this year on bein’ SO against the tide it could almost be Febrooary.

Tellya, if’n you make out with Noo Moon ritual stuffs, prolly you wanna figure sumthin’ on August 13 puts evrywan’s noses outta joint, jus’ because you CAN.

I already gettin’ premonitional wafts from the celestial vapors … an’ they sayin’ …

NEKKID YODELIN’!

So mebbe flip a coin.

Heads meansya get to romp out all wild an’ free in your room; tails says mebbe show a little modesty by wavin’ your tushy less provocatively bcs hey,Starbucks.

Whichevah way August rolls out, for sure you can mebbe expect exotic airs to wisp outta the ether at random from August 6 as Venus fills fulla Libra glory.

Back To Top

PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

As the Cosmos plays loud an’ proud with the IYF Leo vibe an’ Aquarian disruption sparkies the shit outta Mars an’ the whole Taurus vibe — what refuge be there for the eloosive li’l fish whose heart feels all shadesa soul an’ whose brain done tasted most available knockout spirits (plus the occasional grit-laden Yooropean BEER)?

Let us check in with the watery energies oozin’ outta August’s juicy sluicehole!

Asya know, coupla big celestial players be honkyin’ it up in water signs rn, meanin’ less in termsa one-day astrological hits an’ more in the waya slow an’ steady waves ripple sweet onya flesh, massagin’ you delicately into a statea whoopied-up bliss.

Like colors playin’ on a flippily-tentacled cephalopod, so the world’s deep an’ true soul undulates along your tenderest feelo zones.

Risin’ an’ fallin’, ebbin’ an’ flowin’, soft an’ sweet as a bat.

(If you evah held an IRL bat, you’ll know this is a way apter example here than teddy bear or frilly Victorian undergarments cos even though they kinda spiny, bats’re actschlly real soft in places.)

But I would wanna figure on one day in particular offerin’ up Pisces-friendly succor this August.

It a Sunday, so prolly you don’t gotta fix up time from work or college to go party out, but please be sure to set a date for August 19.

Sounds Exciting! Please Summon the Mood For Me, O Princess!

Uhm … OK — but to be honest I figured on leadin’ with sumthin’ ‘bout sex gonna makeya quiver tillya eyelashes darn near fly off, but I guess this means I gotta summon mebbe sum poetic imagry ‘bout SWANS an’ GONDOLAS …

No, No — Puh-lease Tell Me More About The Sex!

From the astrological perspective regardin’ Joopiter in Scorpio as its deep an’ generous vibe impacts on sensually enhanced Neptoon retro in Pisces?

Whatever — Just Tell Me How Hard My Legs Gonna Kick!

Hey, let’s jus’ say if I HAD gotten round to waxin’ all poetic ‘bout swans an’ gondolas, that ole swan likely gonna be concussed an’ the gondola pitched into the water.

So What About a BEAR and a TRACTOR?

Hey, for sure this Joopiter / Neptoon deal is so minxily LUSHO, it is not improbable that bears an’ tractors gonna feature in the whole buckilicious scenario.

And a TANK! Do I Get A RHINO and a TANK?

Yeah yeah — you pull the full-on blendyjuicy outta the hat when the Full Moon in Pisces drops August 26 an’ prolly you could knock a rhino offa a tank an’ also bust the tank …

Back To Top

WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

Back To Top

YOUR HANDY HOROSCOPE CHECKLIST

Gotta figure ifya gonna derive maxo benefit fromya horoscope you gotta imbibe its wisdom all proper.

Simply follow my super-practical 10-step Guide, an’ horoscope readin NIRVANA gonna be thine, tellya…

horoscope checklist infographic helps everyone whatever their starsign
Back To Top

Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?

Gowan — Squirt This Baby Around Like Fizzin' Champagne