HOW ASTROLOGY GONNA SLAY YOUR EVIL IMAGINARY FRIENDS
No childhood misery is more unbearable than whenya got evil imaginary friends.
Those critters tag along till adulthood, you are in real big frickin’ trouble, tellya.
Thing is — where do these guys come from?
An’ can astrology helpya boot ‘em outta your poor, persecuted braino?
Evil Imaginary Friends — The Historical Background
Blame for the rise in evil imaginary friends worldwide in the 20th Century lies solely with J.M. frickin’ Barrie — yanno, the guy wrote Peter Pan?
Barrie was a Taurus, but insteada eatin’ pies all day an’ preservin’ his finest farts in jars, he did that weird thing down-to-earth-&-real-borin’ Taurus types sumtimes do — an’ came up with shit so loopsy doops crazy he coulda almost been an Aquarian or Piscean replicant.
Point is, Peter Pan is fulla imaginary people.
Sum posh London kids an’ their fuckin’ stoopid dog meet up with the boy who gonna live forever, tyepa thing.
But what most people don’t get about this story is how the key imaginary friend is not Pan himself.
He is the one real person in the story — an’ it is Wendy, Michael, John, Hook, Tinkerbell an’ the crocodile who are the illusions.
An’ when the story ends, Pan is wracked by sadness an’ despair cos alla his pals can’t play no more
(Go read the book, then hold it closeta your ear afterya reach THE END an’ mebbe you can hear him weepin’ in the darkness.)
Reason we got so many evil imaginary friends fuckin’ on our souls right now is cozza Pan.
He wanted revenge for losin’ his own friends so bad, he thought up a whole buncha villains to go plague evryone else.
That is the kinda thing wounded people sumtimes do.
But like alla us, Pan is governed by Mother Cosmosis’ Cosmic Roolz.
Know your starsign, you got a handle on alla your evil imaginary friends.
An’ now you gonna learn how to boot ‘em the fuck outta your life an’ get sum peace!
Aries — Evil Imaginary Friends Gonna Bossya Pants Off
Rebellious rompin’ fulla self-servin’ zest an’ verve!
Those are the energies Aries packs in spades.
But Cancer gonna cry if she don’t get her way, an’ Capricorn jus’ gonna stopya doin’ shit you want.
So ditch the fuckers an’ move on, no weepin’.
Taurus — Evil Imaginary Friends Gonna Stealya Toys
Leos think they own evrythin’ — even stuff that is clearly YOURS.
An’ Aquarius thinks all material possessions belong to evryone, regardlessa actual ownership.
Plus, they bust shit jus’ to see how it works.
So getcha baseball bat back offa Leo — swingin’ it round his head & shriekin’ lookit me lookit me — an’ smack him in the teeth with the fucker.
Any luck, he’ll trample Aquarius to death as he quitsya life.
Gemini — Evil Imaginary Friends DO NOT GET YOU
Howya gonna brush upya witticisms ifya imaginary patsies play real awkward?
“I kinda see where you’re coming from,” says Virgo, “but that last quip you made about male genitalia resembling an elephant’s head fails to differentiate between Indian and African pachyderms.”
“Yeah,” says Pisces. “And my imaginary friend said it funnier than you did, you fraud.”
Jus’ show these losers the door.
They got no livesa their own an’ they will walk.
Cancer — Evil Imaginary Friends Won’t Play Doctors & Nurses
Aw…alla your imaginary friends’re so very ill.
Time to snuggle them up warm an’ safe an’—
“LET’S PLAY AT KILLING!” screams Aries, throwin’ off her blanket. “REAL FIGHTING WITH REAL BLOOD!”
You turn to ask Libra for help — but she’s fucked off sumplace to play on her own.
Thing is, you are the ultimate imaginer, so go do sumthin’ don’t figure too much IRL.
Look Aries dead in the eye an’ scream “I hate you!”
An’ mean it.
Those guys play fiery but their feelings are so very easy to wound.
Leo — Evil Imaginary Friends Ignoreya & Form Their Own Clique
It’s that horrid moment whenya energies finally give out, an’ you quit chargin’ around all flamboyant — an’ your imaginary friends don’t applaud.
Worse still, they are sittin’ in the corner snickerin’ to themselves — Scorpio, cos she clearly started the sneerin’ an’ backbitin’, an’ Taurus, cos he is jus’ so stoopid he gonna be led astray by anyone.
Tellya, they don’t want your generous glories, they can haveya pee.
So go find a bucket an’ fill it up.
Then wash their cynical frickin’ mouths out, see how they like it.
Virgo — Evil Imaginary Friends Don’t Stick To The Rules
“So, let’s be clear. A nuclear fusion rifle is more powerful than a standard ballistic blaster, and both these weapons are superior to the daggers we’ll all be using. But if you’re wearing antigravity armor, you can’t use your dagger because it will rupture the fabric, and if you die from a ballistic blaster wound, you’re out of the game for 30 seconds until you receive medical assistance, which only I can perform — unless we’re playing the imaginary medi-bot rules, in which case—“
“Let’s just finger our cunnies,” says Sagittarius.
“Yeah,” says Gemini, “and post to Snapchat.”
Easiest wayta deal with these abominable Vulgarity Beests?
Think Zen, think grace — an’ walk away.
Libra — Evil Imaginary Friends Think UR A Soft Touch
Uh oh — Cancer an’ Capricorn’re back again.
Aries got real mad with ‘em an’ slung ‘em out.
But they seen how you are so super soft an’ don’t want for any trouble, an’ now they gonna trample onya patch.
Tellya, these guys really hate zany frivolity — an’ they cannot frickin’ sing to save their own tits!
All they wanna do is trudge around playin’ real borin’ evryday stuff — like shops, or actual games don’t need no imagination, like frickin’ Monopoly.
I understand how conflict is real difficult sumtimes, so your way out here is simply to DIE.
Play dead — an’ stay dead.
Cancer ain’t gonna stick around if’n she can’t healya, an’ Capricorn conceivesa death before he is even born, so your faux pallor gonna remind him to go check the latest pension an’ funeral deals on the internets.
Scorpio — Evil Imaginary Friends Demand Eviller Host Buddies
Leo an’ Aquarius stopped by to play.
It was fun for a while but then you got bored.
Leo lies an’ Aquarius believes her an’ it is two against one an’ that is not fair.
Their corpses lie mutilated in a ditch.
Sagittarius — Evil Imaginary Friends Don’t Wanna Goof
Know that fun game whereya writhe around on the floor withya legs in the air, wailin’ all stoopid like sum deranged mule?
Weird thing is, neither Virgo nor Pisces wanna join in with this one.
Same goes for jump up an’ down tillya boobies hurt (dick if ur a guy).
“Let’s sit down at the table,” says Virgo. “We need to make a list of some proper games to play.”
“And let’s do it quietly,” adds Pisces.
Best strategy here is to join ‘em — an’ keep real quiet.
Pretty soon, they gonna be talkin’ to one another, an’ they will not notice whenya tiptoe out the door an’ go do sumthin’ real excitin’.
Capricorn — Evil Imaginary Friends Got No Option
Why lose the able an’ willin’ helpers?
Life’s too important for foolin’ around so the more stoopid assholes you got on your team lightenin’ the load, the better.
So c’mon, Aries an’ Libra.
Knuckle down an’ mebbe tidy the place up.
Fetch drinks, fetch the occasional muffin, fetch any tools or equipment needed.
Smilin’ is optional, but remember, it uses precious energy, so be sparin’.
Hours are 24/7, all 52 weeksa the year.
Zero pay, an’ ifya bust shit, your imaginary bones gonna be ground to IRL dust.
Snap to it! Lickety spit!
Aquarius — Evil Imaginary Friends Think You’re A Crank
Real people can be so unaccommodatin’ whenya inspiration is on a roll.
“I wonder what it would feel like to slice a cucumber in half and scrape the soft part out with my ears.”
Perfect imaginary friend oughta get a kick outta that.
But not Taurus or Scorpio.
“You’re being so wasteful,” says Scorpio. “I hate how you squander precious resources on a whim.”
“Plus also,” says Taurus, “I wanted to eat that cucumber.”
No way these guys gonna lighten up an’ get experimental withya.
So cut ‘em open an’ scrape out their soft parts with sum other protuberance.
These guys are only imaginary, remember?
Pisces — Evil Imaginary Friends Spill Over From Reality
Gotta figure you got a casta thousands gowin’ down in the imaginary department.
People, animals, animated furniture, ghosts — all hoppin’ an’ buzzin’ around a fluffy landscape gonna morph from Jane Austen novel to outer space mushroom planet to elven forest pulsin’ with naked satyrs.
Thenya rememberya cruel Sajjo boss, the Gemini gal from the store don’t likeya, an’ your imaginary world collapses — invaded an’ despoiled by evil phantasms over which you got no control.
You know they are imaginary — jus’ like the little ducky you had bouncin’ onya head a few short seconds ago — butya are helpless.
Saj an’ Gemmo glare from twisted faces — an’ you are complicit in the ugliness.
The more you try to make ‘em go away, the more they leer from a landscape now shrouded in shadow.
Point is, this scenario is precisely why chocolate got invented.
Recent neuroscience shows how eatin’ chocolate soothesya an’ warmsya — alla those chocolate molecules get delivered direct to the synapses inya braino responsible for generatin’ happy sensations.
For Pisces, eatin’ chocolate prompts a kinda imaginary bunny orgasm.
Fluffy creatures — so fun an’ friendly an’ cuddly — bust outta the shadows an’ smother any phantoms summoned from real life.
So, take that, Sagittarius an’ Gemini!
Death by bunny ears! Death by wickle mousey crush! Death by lonesum elephant whose Mom died young but who got a magic trunk!
Yeah — that kinda works…
What To Do Ifya Have No Imaginary Friends, Evil Or Otherwise
Gotta figure kittens come in real handy here.
They are so cool at fillin’ barren holes insideya where lovin’ imaginary friends should be.
Plus, when they get frisky, they go hunt down rodents ain’t actually there.
All you gotta do is catch one…
Ever been on the receivin’ enda sum foul an’ evil imaginary friend?
Shareya story in the comment trail!
Still plagued by monsters?
Let ’em write out why they hateya so much an’ mebbe their confession gonna make with the cathartic healin’!
Prommo, I will respond with sensitivity, discretion — an’ mebbe more lewd fuckin’ around.
Title Image c/o Deedster @Pixabay
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