WHAT JOOPITER IN SCORPIO 2017 MEANS FOR EVRYONE
Let’s talk Joopiter in Scorpio.
Cos, hey — this is the way it’s gonna be from October 10th till next frickin’ November, an’ I would not wanna thinka nowan skimpin’ on the necessary leatherwear.
Thing is, summa you astro-sensitive types prolly felt this moment comin’ weeks ago.
Joopiter’s ride through Libra has mebbe not fixed up the harmony evryone imagined, an’ now the diplomats’re done with tryin’ to make shit sweeter, gotta figure it is time for the CUNTS.
Want shit fixin’?
Holler for Scorpio!
If’n she likesya, she gonna fix shit till what went before makesya gag with regret evry timeya thinka it!
(Course, if’n she don’t likeya, she gonna fix shit HER way. Those are the frickin’ rules.)
Plenty Scorpio action is linin’ up to happen … Sun, Mercury, Venus … but right now, we gotta muse sum on the clarion call to arms from Mother Cosmosis’ most exooberant red-eyed monster.
See, cos Joopiter in Scorpio is kinda … weirdsy.
Precisely HOW Weirdsy, O Princess, Is The Jupiter In Scorpio Deal Of Which You Speak?
“Real fuckin’”, Sweetie.
An’ why so?
Main deal is how Scorpio derives alla her darkly illoominatin’ mojo from Plooto an’ operates in the shadows (typically clad as a gothwraith specterdemon clutchin’ a switchblade) whereas Joopiter dishes his optimistic Nirvanalight an’ cheery bonhomie all kinda fluorescent cumshot over rompy stompy Sagittarius’ brazenly bared buttcheeks … as Nicki Minaj blareth maxo volume from a speaker stack taller’n a frickin’ skyscraper.
Tellya, when Joopiter an’ Scorpio link up as unlikely bedfellows, I would not wanna be the bed.
So we gotta think hard how we gonna derive astro benefit from the onslaught this union gonna bring.
For sure, there gonna be optimism an’ expansion, an’ for sure there gonna be Scorpionic drilldown an’ fixup — but it ain’t gonna feel anyways sweet as no kinda Pisces dissolvin’ in Neptoon scenario … nor even Taurus bumblin’ through Mars in searcha the perfect cupcake.
tbh, the vision first presented itself to Moi was a BIG BALL FULLA JOOPITER smackin’ up against a WEENY BLACK HOLE FULLA VACUOUS SCORPIO … an’ kinda squeezin’ itself insde sumhow.
Monster gas clouds shear offa the Jovian Plusso-Orb as it judders its way into the Abyss, an’ as it descends into the infinite darkness, singin’ away like evry boy bandya ever heard tossed in a blender, Joopiter is squeezed harder an’ harder … an’ crushed smaller an’ smaller … till he is mebbe like THE PEA TRANSFORMED THE PRINCESS INTO A BLEARY-EYED INSOMNIAC, all kinda spinnin’ in the void.
But then I figured this vision got too many sexshoal connotations — so I pulled out my Bethany Wiccasplatz Everscry Crystal Ball an’ called up Mother Cosmosis for advice.
Only she was on a date…
Nightmare Scenario! As An Astrologer Of Considerable Renown, That Must Have Been Like The Fortune Telling Equivalent Of Walking In On Your Parents Having Sex With Your Boss And A Random Belly Dancer!
Tell me ‘bout it.
Thing is, Mother Cosmosis is nuthin’ if not polite, an’ the first thing she said after Fuck! Shit! Bastard! was … Shoot!
“What is an appropriate image,” I began, “for explainin’ to my blog readers what the Joopiter in Scorpio vibe gonna bring an’ how they can roll with the weirdsy energies without gowin’ loopzoid?”
“Princess. How sweet of you to call. Right now.”
(At this point, I heard whisperin’, an’ sumthin’ shufflin’ around. Guess at the time I figured it was her cat. Best I can do on the Scorpio deduction front, it seems.)
“In all fairness, it’s not easy to say,” MC continued. “As most astrologers and their devotees are aware, Jupiter’s energies favor expansive ideals in the open whereas Scorpio’s methods favor consolidating practicalities deep within, and these two forces are not easy to reconcile. Have you been visited yet by a vision?”
“Yeah. But it was all kinda vibratin’ chocolate egg upya cunny, an’ I figured mebbe I needed sumthin’ smarter.”
“As a metaphor goes, your vision is very much along the right lines,” said MC. “Scorpio does indeed derive much of her power from sexual energies, and a vibrating chocolate egg is the epitome of jovian sentiment, but I believe you would strike the wrong balance between the planetary and the zodiacal by suggesting that the former be consumed by the latter. In addition, reference to a vagina might alienate some members of your audience who might better identify with alternative … Scorpio-themed insertion channels.”
“So what we gonna do?”
“Like I taught you on the very first day we met at Astrology School, you must remember that the PLANET rules the STAR SIGN — and not the other way round. Think of the Solar System like a giant celestial theme park where a dozen select children take it in turns to try all the rides. Each ride is different, and the children have their own preferences also. Sometimes, children —”
“Can I stopya there? Gotta figure mosta my blog readers’re matyoor adults, an’ they mebbe ain’t gonna take kindly to no kid stuff. I don’t wanna patronize ‘em.”
Mother Cosmosis sighed. “The problem with adults let loose in theme parks is that they often show up inebriated and throw up all over the rides. Neptune and Venus can bear the stains, but it’s murder cleaning vomit off Saturn’s rings.”
“My main argument is that whoever takes rides on all the various planets isn’t necessarily happy with them all, and in the case of Scorpio strapping herself in for a roller coaster ride atop Jupiter — vibrating chocolate egg teasing away at her intimate parts or no — you must bear in mind how this will feel to her.”
“The egg or the ride?” (Wish I’d selfied my grin there.)
“Both. This Jupiter/Saturn period from now until next November is both experience-as-is and memory-to-be — and Scorpio feels both intensely. Any changes taking place now will become part of her personal narrative forever, so we must consider closely what they will be. Might I suggest that you imagine you are at heart an intensely secretive person … truly protective of the things you hold dear because your keen senses have demonstrated, over and over, how life is so much more dangerous than others perceive or believe … and now you must be exposed to the full glare of the world as you are lofted high into the clouds and plummeted deep into the faux Abyss on rails of shimmering steel — as the camera catches your deepest fears as a commemorative photo … or mug … or T Shirt … or (in its Jovian exuberance) showcases the entire ride live on your every social media outlet … beams images and screams to the phones of all your friends … and enemies—”
“K, I get it.”
“Does that give you enough to help you out there with your blog? I’m … rather busy at the moment.”
(This is when the penny dropped for Moi on the date deal. I figured I heard the cat again, but it was sum gal’s voice whisperin’ please can we order the sweet course? I really wanna go back to our room and lick you into submission jelly. Plus, the clouds parted in my crystal ball an’ I beheld an unfamiliar cleavage.)
“You fuckin’ sumone?” I said.
“That is perhaps not the best way to sum up the Jupiter in Scorpio dilemma,” replied MC, “even though — bizarrely — it is.”
Tellya, a glowa pride oozed right offa me at that point like a shivera pure horror.
As my Wiccasplatz crystal ball powered down the celestial vapors, I swear I heard Mother Cosmosis mention sumthin’ about takin’ chocolate eggs upstairs to our room in a carry out…
So, What Should We Expect From This Jupiter In Scorpio Period, O Princess?
For sure it is gonna depend onya individyool star sign — an’ I will mebbe cover developments as they unfold over in my regular Monthly Horoscopes, my occasional Tumblr Frippery Blaaahg, my actyool OFFICIAL Prinno B Blaaahg, or fuckin’ Twitter — but for now, gotta think how Joopiter gonna crank up the Scorpio vibe.
Joopiter MAKES BIGGER an’ MULTIPLIES.
He EXAGGERATES, ADDS ON an’ GROWS OUT.
For signs got more immediate affinity with this kinda exposure — Aries, Sagittarius — result is an obnoxiously IYF fuckin’ bloodbath.
For Scorpio, alla this rompolicious growth gonna happen behind the scenes.
Gotta figure this comin’ period till November 2018 gonna witness plenty unseen subterfuge as the Underworld expands its horizons.
This mean evil gonna be unleashed an’ devils come bustin’ outta the faucet whileya are peelin’ avocadoes in a snowflake haze?
Mebbe — butchya gotta figure the risk is there for that kinda shit always.
rn, prolly evryone gonna wake up slowly to WHAT IS ACTSCHLY IMPORTANT. To them.
You mebbe had glimmers, hunches, clues — but now there gonna be no escape.
Scorpio realization is manacles — either the “if necessary” or “FFS, Yes Please!” varieties.
Problem is, this kinda realization don’t meanya are in any position to make with the necessary fixin’ immediately, an’ it is here that the Joopiter/Scorpio deal is truly kinda lifeline refashioned from noose.
A deep (an’ mebbe lustily dirty) journey begins tamara for which nonea us may be prepared.
But Scorpio packs killer inner resourcefulness, an’ as Joopiter GROWS her an’ EXPANDS her energies, alla that real important shit — far off, impossible, heart’s Wanna Wanna Do-or-Die desire — gonna be reeled the fuck in an’ made to happen … even ifya eyeballs gotta bleed to fix it.
We ain’t pussyfootin’ now.
Joopiter in Scorpio is a noose … a lifeline … a lasso.
Trickya got right now is to follow through to the bitter end on alla the important stuff, dig deep an’ discover inner grit gonna transform the mess ain’t gowin’ away.
Life or death, lasso or noose, kinda thing.
ULP! Is That The Best Shot At Optimism Your Innately Positive & Jupiter-inspired Sagittarian Astro Wisdom Can Muster, O Princess?