<span class="sdata" title="17"></span> <span class="sdata" title="04, 2017"></span>

Your Handy Death Astrology Calculator

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-10T04:36:02+00:00"></span>|Astro Checklist, Death|0 Comments

YOUR HANDY DEATH ASTROLOGY CALCULATOR

Astrology is the weirdest thing, tellya.

First, Mother Cosmosis flutters down outta the ether an’ says, “hey Princess — fuck alla them dreamsya got ‘bout bein’ a ballerina! Creation is short on astrologers right now, an’ the excitin’ worlda fortune tellin’ demands a new patsy!”

Next thingya know, reckless weekends spent clubbin’ till dawn suddenly become astro consultation after astro consultation — kinda should I let my Cancer cat pair off with my bestie’s Leo dog?, or I am an Aquarius; am I forever destined to get inside nowan’s frickin’ pants?, or (an’ this is the clincher, 5am, puke swillin’ outta evry john) when will I die, Princess, when will I die, when will I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie?

So, listen up.

I got sum astro epitaphs I ran a while back on my Twitter hangout gonna go sum wayta answerin’ that last question for evryone.

To be honest, I ain’t got no clue when anyone gonna die, least of all Moi,  but I figure what follows is mebbe a practical wayta get people to shut the fuck up askin’ stoopid questions when I am tryin’ to imbibe cocktails an’ stay on my feet.

Plus, I am on holiday an’ too frickin’ lazy to generate noo content.

So you gotta thinka this not as a rock-solid augury or prediction sesh but more like a Death Astrology Calculator.

You check in, you calculate, you figure onya death prose.

Easy!

So, c’mon — Zodiac, whenya ass is fried an’ no more juice slooshes outtaya tinglydanglies, what you gonna find onya tombstone for an epitaph?

Wanna calculate that outcome with Moi?

Oh — You Mean Like The Scene In The Muppet Christmas Carol Where The Third Spirit Reveals Scrooge’s Demise?

FFS — no way!

I am playin’ this one for laughs.

That is why it is called a Death Astrology Calculator.

Coolest thing: Calculator works real easy.

Almost like a … uhm … picture gallery.

You simply selectya star sign … check outya epitaph … then mebbe move on see what is happnin’ this month inya horoscope, jus’ in case today is your last.

Die-hard astro-aficionados may even wanna consult my Handy Horoscope Checklist tellsya HOW to do alla that bonin’ up onya stars deal in a manner both practical an’ illuminatin’.

I figure this is mebbe a wise wayta spend five minutes right now.

After all, there ain’t much else happnin’ on the internets beyond imminent nooclear armageddon an’ sum fuckin’ lame giraffe…

ARIES

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

TAURUS

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

GEMINI

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

CANCER

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

LEO

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

VIRGO

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

LIBRA

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

SCORPIO

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

SAGITTARIUS

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

CAPRICORN

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

AQUARIUS

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

PISCES

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

Title Image c/o Total Frickin’ Mystery Person @ Pixabay

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Hey, I wanna be a generous person an’ credit alla the images I use — an’ this photographer’s collection gotta be onea the best I seen so far.

Go see.

<span class="sdata" title="10"></span> <span class="sdata" title="04, 2017"></span>

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist

By |<span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-10T04:31:08+00:00"></span>|Astro Checklist, Mother Cosmosis, Practical Astrology, Scopes|0 Comments

YOUR HANDY HOROSCOPE CHECKLIST

One question people often ask me — in my capacity as astrologer person maxin’ out on celestial wisdom kudos — is do you have any handy tips for getting the most out of reading your horoscope, I dunno, like some kind of horoscope checklist?

Answer to that is an easy one.

“Sure,” I say, flushin’ my smile fulla the easy swankiness often seen in electrical stores where the trained electrical store person is sellin’ a monster TV to sum total fuckin’halfwit, “when Mother Cosmosis first anointed my chart preparation paraphernalia with her special magicks, she passed on to me a 10-point hit list fulla hints an’ tips for what she termed horoscope readin’ etiquette, but which I simply refer to as a horoscope checklist — an’ for your information, I got this pinned up on the bookcase next to my readin’ chair so I never forget to follow through its 10-step plan, either while I am readin’ my own ‘scope or (more importantly) fixin’ up regular monthly horoscopes for the resta hoomanity.”

Thing is, we are livin’ in way difficult times, O sweet observera wonders.

Too many world leaders’re plain assholes, too many people suffer needlessly, an’ evry timeya go see a noo Marvel movie, you gotta deal with that real mean naggin’ sensation says what happens when the old guy with the glasses an’ mustache don’t figure no more in the quirky cameos?

So I wanna share what I got.

For free. For nuthin’. For you.

An’ I wantchya to know I am gowin’ out on a limb here by revealin’ these horoscope checklist secrets…

A Lesson From History (Albeit One I Ain’t Mebbe Learned Too Good)

Prolly you never hearda Vincent de Chabrier, but I gotta tellya he got stiffed back in France roundabout 1760-sumthin’.

Similar deal to Moi right now, I guess — he got a hand-embroidered Les Etoiles Comme Bassins De Lit napkin bestowed on him by M.C. which he turned over to the citizensa Lyon.

(Actschly, rumor has it that he wiped his ass on it after hittin’ the wine real hard one weekend, an’ the decision to offer his astrological relic up to the public maya had more to do with shame than generosity, but that is how it goes with history, I guess. Mostly rumor.)

Thing is, Mother Cosmosis got real angry with him, an’ she swooped down from behind Plooto (where she was fixin’ it up, ready for its eventual discovery in 1930) an’ spanked his ass so hard he was unable to wear any kinda pants for a whole frickin’ month.

I could be in biiiiiig trouble here for what I am about to do, tellya — an’ I wantchya to know that asya read on in the spirita gratitood…

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist — How This Works

Deal is, you got a 10-point plan here pretty much constitoots the ultimate HOW TO guide for readin’ your horoscope.

Such things’re not to be taken lightly, an’ I gotta tellya, ifya follow these steps through to the letter, you gonna derive max possible benefit fromya horoscopes evry timeya read ‘em.

Wanna surefire way to hit on a smoother augury?

K, so here it is — all powered up by the very latest Apply as you Scrytm technology!

My Mother Cosmosis original won’t photocopy cos it is hand-weaved from super delicate ethereal wispofibers, so I deployed my very best artistic talents to generate an ultra handy infographic forya phone or tab you can kinda whip out real easy whenya wanna augury on down withya own personal Zodiac consultation rompo.

Oh, an’ Les Etoiles Comme Bassins De Lit is French for ‘The Stars As Bedpans’, btw.

horoscope checklist infographic helps everyone whatever their starsign

You can save this image, but I gotta tellya it is gonna read like it been licked by a frickin’ dog.

So mebbe download the swanky pdf file for max visyool pleasure.

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist — What To Do Next

Gonna giveya the same advice I offered sum professional Tapir hoof swallower consulted me las’ week.

With any kinda plan, there is no subsitoot for puttin’ shit into action immediately.

So get my handy 10-Point Horoscope Checklist downloaded onto your phone or tab an’ go checkya horoscope.

I figure mostaya are no professional Tapir hoof swallower gonna choke half to death (his fault, not mine). so you can go crazy with the NOW! NOW! NOW! zest, K?

An’ if you figure my counsel on this score is cool, my 5-step Spring Fever Cures All Plan would jus’ LOVE to get sweet withya mind, body, spirit, mojo an MORE!

That sound like a deal?

Title Image c/o Steve Buissinne @ Pixabay

Spread the love, slip in the bookmark, mix up the linky.