Gotta figure the Cosmos is maxin’ out on Astrology Nirvana rn.

We got plenty planetary bunnies kissin’ up sweet in delish dance troupe formations & generatin’ super positive energies gonna fizz an’ sploosh along evrywan’s most sensitive whooshie pipes, tellya.

I been trackin’ the core narrative here …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Noo Moon in Aquarius — Rejuvenatin’ Rebellion for Dummies

… an’ now we stand primed to plunge deep into Piscean Waters Fulla Yummy, prolly it is time for each an’ evry zodiacperson to ask ‘emselves …

Is My Life Astrology Nirvana Or What?

Does That Mean You’re About To Offer Up Another Informative ASTRO QUIZ, O Princess?

Course’n it does, Sweetie.

Not for Moi sum stoopid academic treatise runnin’ to 10,000 words gonna be panned by the scientific community an’ Clint fuckin’ Eastwood.

So let’s have us all an informative astro quiz gonna smarten upya life & packya mojo fulla rompolicious Booby Doo …

Is My Life Astrology Nirvana Or What?

You Just Said That

stfu an’ get answerin’ the questions willya?

This super dinky astro quiz works for all star signs.

Aries to Pisces to actshwlly I’m a frickin’ skeptic, Miss Loopy Doops Astroflaps!

So — no cheatin’, no peekin’, no foolin’ around!

Answer sweet an’ answer frank an’ answer true!

10 questions, 30 pulse-poundin’ points up for grabs.

All will be revealed … about YOU …

1) Jus’ to say, I wanna ditch the whole Kurt Cobain deal for this quiz. We talkin’ Nirvana without Nirvana for this baby, incloodin’ Dave frickin’ Gruel an’ the entire grunge phenomenon in general. That OK?

a) I am a dyed-in-the-wool In Utero fuckbunny and I insist your vision of Nirvana pays homage to the iconic grunge entrepreneur and his legacy.

b) I don’t care either way — I just want a middle-of-the-road 2 points from this question to kickstart what I hope will be a killer score from this quiz.

c) Agreed. I wish to discover astro secrets incarnate without distraction from Loser Historyland.

2) Haveya found yourself way more interested inya HOROSCOPE recently than, say, two or three years ago?

a) Wow. That’s so weird! Now you mention it … actually, yes, I have!

b) What are you? Fucking psychic?

c) Sorry, I normally track that kinda thing on an app. I got steps, calories, habits, heartbeat, pee & poop … all the usual stuff. Is there maybe an astrology app that would help me monitor my horoscope consumption?

3) Haveya felt energized by bizarre forces unknown — like a benign angel run a superlush feather boa along your most sensitive tinglydanglies?

a) Frankly, I have to change my underwear every two hours to prevent juice overload.

b) Oh … so that’s what this feeling is.

c) Listen sister, I’m a self-motivated force of nature. I don’t need no imaginary angels making with the hocus pocus — especially near my genitals.

4) When was the las’ time you got inspired to write a powim or song — or dance like a loon in a moderately expressive capacity?

a) So recently … and so publicly … I’m soooo ashamed.

b) Right now right now in this emerging moment, I see somehow my place outside the torment ooh ooh gotta quit writing and go Snoopy till I shake my butt cheeks to jelly.

c) I believe such practices are inherently evil — same as MASTURBATION!!!

5) A shimmerin’ golden bug lands onya arm an’ offers up a warm & friendly telepathic signal. What’s your next move?

a) I telepath back in my best golden bug accent.

b) Splat the weirdo fucker! Uuuuggghhh!

c) Check for flesh-rendin’ mandibles, then telepath back in my best golden bug accent.

6) Do you knowya starsign, moon sign, risin’ sign an’ all that shit?

a) tbh I just roll with the horoscope sounds most positive.

b) Starsign, yes — but not the others. So do I have to bone up to figure the rest, or will the Cosmos just level me naturally into a higher personal consciousness?

c) I know the precise alignment of Saturn’s rings at the time I was born, along with all the planets and their moons and debris from every NASA launch. All I’m missing are subatomic particles from that rocket fired a monkey into space in 1949.

7) Do you believe astrology is a force for good in the world — or a malign kinda hokum deployed by manipulative charlatans like Moi?

a) Defo a force for good — but not every astrologer is as wise and helpful as you, O Princess.

b) One day, our beautiful planet will be powered by eco-friendly astro-vibes and every face will beam nothing but the brightest smiles.

c) Hmmmph! Let me guess — if I scroll to the end of this quiz ima find a monster fucking BUY NOW button

8) Whaaaaaaaat? Taylor Swift jus’ lickedya face! You were idly checkin’ FaceBook shit onya phone in the coffee shop when she strode right up an’ lickedya face. What in hell was that about?

a) It is astrology, for sure. Yeah yeah — astrology made that happen. No doubt about it.

b) Gal’s a loon. Prolly next thing she did was stick her fingers in a dog’s ass.

c) Typical Sagittarius behaviour, I guess.

9) You are havin’ sex — an’ you suddenly recall sumthin’ positive you read inya horoscope. You spurred on to noo heights … or merely distracted?

a) I rarely consult my horoscope because they’re just stupid … and having sex is not something I regularly do. Tbh my friends call me the Android — but I’m OK with that because they’re all imaginary.

b) Yeah, I might pick up speed a little.

c) Scream. My. Tits off.

10) Uh oh. Sumthin’ gotta be thrown from the balloon! Is it astrology … or YOUR PETS?

a) Pets. Fuck ‘em.

b) Call me a martyr, but I’ll jump! Anything to keep my precious astrology and pets from danger!

c) Ever tried that trick where you swallow and swallow and swallow — and let out a monster belch? I would do that so hard I brewed up a MONSTER FART, and I would get my pets to play along. And we’d fart and we’d fart and we’d fart until the balloon rose up and away out of danger!

Is Your Life Astrology Nirvana Or What?

Here’s How The Results Pan Out, Sweetie!

You ready to have the beansa truth spilled overya head till the sauce dribbles all overya boobies?

Then prepare to discover — definitively — whether your life is so packed fulla Astrology Nirvana that stargazy energy buzzes fromya soul like a buncha loonpants hunny bees … or whether you merely an incomprehensibly lame fucker!

Crank upya math brain an’ check out my dinky scorecard …

1 — A1 B2 C3

2 — A2 B3 C1

3 — A3 B2 C1

4 — A2 B3 C1

5 — A3 B1 C2

6 — A1 B2 C3

7 — A2 B3 C1

8 — A3 B1 C2

9 — A1 B2 C3

10 — A1 B2 C3

Now add ONE HUMONGOUS BONUS POINT cos I am feelin’ real generous …

Score 11 —

Dear Sweet Fuckin’ Jesus!

What is gowin’ on here?

I throw in a bonus point anya still bomb the quiz.

So go get a marker pen an’ write LAME TWAT onya forehead.

Stay that way for a month — astrology don’t needya loser ass.

Score 12-18 —

Horoscopic Zodiac Puppy

tbh I love that you at least care.

In an ideal Cosmas, gotta want for a fired-up cheerleader zealot — but it is sum consolation you not standin’ outside a weaponized chapel backa the bayou decryin’ astrology as Satanism.

I trooly believe you look in onya horoscope from time to time an’ derive benefit from thoughtful articles that pack soulful goodies like candy stores attract sugar-hungry kids.

That is neat.

Score 19-25 —

Astro Nirvana Hosepipe Guru

Whatever this astro energy deal is, you channelin’ the fucker, for sure.

You are srsly IN TOON.

An’ I figure that is a cool way to be.

You attract an’ dispense celestial bounties as the tide daily ebbs an’ flows, an’ prolly you are the one person in a crowd Taylor Swift is most likely to lick should she show at random.

Even better, I got a hunch that if Kanye West showed at the same time, he would massage your feet real sweet while Swift made with the friendly saliva.

Great score!

Gotta feel prouda yourself!

Score 26-30 —

The Spunkiest Astrology Nirvana Gasmpoppet EVER!

Hey — you want we switch places an’ you run my astrology stuffs?

All you gotta do is write out a blaaahg post once in a while an’ splash Today’s Astrology Story over on Twitter.

My apartment is kinda shabby, butchya can clean up if’n you wanna.

Bring your own shovel, mebbe you could even scrape the cheese & mayo strata offa the insidea my refrigerator.

That way, your Astrology Nirvana lifestyle could benefit stargazykind worldwide anya would have a neat hangout at weekends.

Mother Cosmosis stops by regular an’ the only genuinely crazy person in the building is Moi.

Be like havin’ an AirBnB fulla crystal balls an’ alcohol.

Anyways, cool on you for bein’ top astro dog.

You wanna try another quiz?

Course you frickin’ do!

Your Astrology Nirvana Quiz — The Scholarly Conclusion

Way I see it, if’n you had fun shimmyin’ around my 10 dinky astro teasers in searcha spirityool enlightenment, prolly that was time better spent than fuckin’ around on FaceBook lookin’ for fake nooz.

Granted, compared to checkin’ out HOT GUYS with their WAY TONED BODIES bustin’ outta evry photo shoot over on them soft porno sites, this whole quiz been a wastea time, but I endeavor always to be a good person an’ provide enlightenin’ succor for a world gone weirdsy.

An’ … uhm … that is ‘bout as scholarly as it gonna get for now — less’n you interested in readin’ more heavy dooty astro shit I wrote out.

If that is the case, mebbe look in on this fucker.

Mean time, thanks for playin’, Sweetie.

Title Image c/o Solarus @ Pixabay

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Your Astrology Nirvana astro quiz is here! Discover how much astrology fires upya mojo. You an enthoosiastic stargazy bunny — or jus' another lame asshole with a brain fulla crapola?
Princess Balestra
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