YOUR ARIES NOO MOON DATE WITH AUDACIOUSLY TWEAKOED FATE
It is time to preen up an’ head out.
Aries got a mandate forya March Noo Moon date with fate, droppin’ 10.57pm EDT tonite.
Be in no frickin’ doubt, astro aficionados — this is one inspirational firecracker gonna setya 2017 alight with verve an’ enterprise.
Whateverya got — get it started.
Whateverya want — take action.
Whateverya done with — sear it fromya future intentions, like the wicka sum candle vaporizin’ before Flame’s unstoppable zest.
So mebbe ifya are turnin’ in for the night jus’ as the action gets underway, all pooped out cos it is Monday, an’ you got the whole frickin’ weekta plow through before weekend Nirvana juices upya fun pipes once again, you might wanna try a Noo Moon ritual gonna pluck from this lunar Light My Fire! Extravaganza sum undistilled energiesya can work with as they rain down onya with the inspirin’ beautya lava showers spat outta a volcano.
An’ tonight, that ritual is simple fable.
A taleya prolly know by heart coulda mebbe turned out real different.
Questionya got right now is how can I turn out sumthin’ real different?
How can I forge a buncha cool stuff on an inspired an’ audacious dare?
Your Aries Noo Moon Date With Inspirational Fable!
Once upon a time there were three Billy Goats Gruff.
You got Baby Billy Goat (kinda tiny), Mommy Billy Goat (kinda medium-sized) — an’ Burger Chompin’ Billy Goat (kinda so fulla unhealthy fats, carbs, sugar an’ squirtsa relish he regularly bust outta his pants in a way that was most definitely NOT the sexy variety).
Anyways, point about these fuckin’ stoopid goats was how they looooved eatin’ the sweet, green grass.
Nuthin’ else remarkable about ‘em, I guess.
I mean, c’mon — goats!
It is not like they were elephants or dolphins or sharks or sumthin’ — creatures cookin’ up real pizzazz thanksta stunningly prehensile dangly parts, proto-human cerebellar prowess, or rampant danger swirlin’ round inside their very DNA as renegade protiens.
To be honest, I do not see the pointa goats at all, an’ mebbe this sorry trio mighta jus’ munched away at alla the grass in their biddy widdy goaty valley before passin’ away with nuthin’ more to honor their memory than a few brief words in the local noospaper — kinda Three Fuckin’ Useless Goats Fuckin’ Died. Next!
But, see — they ran outta grass.
Mommy Billy Goat saw it first — how Burger Chompin’ Billy Goat had transformed the lush an’ verdant landscape into A SALAD SIDE for his QUARTER POUNDERS, leavin’ the entire biddy widdy goat valley browner an’ barrener than a fake pirate’s chest sunk deep below an oceana gravy.
“I guess this is it,” she said, munchin’ on the final bladea grass.
“Prolly you are right,” said her husband. “Let’s all lay down and die before it starts raining.”
But Baby Billy Goat was havin’ nonea it.
She was plucky, spunky, zesty — an’ more’n a frickin’ pain in the ass.
“We gotta bust out on verve an’ initiative,” she said, “so I say we follow the inspiration bestowed upon us by the powerful New Moon in Aries and go check out the neighbouring valley and its humongously abundant greenery. For sure, we gotta cross the rickety old bridge and brave the ferocious troll who lives beneath it, but I figure he is so slow and stupid that we can outwit him. It’ll take considerable courage and no shortage of enterprising zeal, but those are precisely the cosmic energies shining down on us right now as Mother Cosmosis spins us transformational lunar energies and mixes them up super constructively with the power to make things happen thanks to how she’s dangled Mars before solid ol’ Taurus. I’ll go first! I’m up for this! Let me be the one to deal with that stinky troll! I’ll trip trap the heck out of his bridge so loud and shameless, he’ll snap from his slumber and make with the usual trollish spiel about gobbling me up for his dinner — but instead of confronting him head on and playing right into his warty hands, I’ll play fast and smart and catch him unawares with a real inspired trick. So like when he says Me gonna gobble you all up, ima tell him no way Mr Troll, cos I am only a teeny weeny goat and if you eat me, you’ll still be super hungry — and you’ll scare away all the big, fat goats who are bounding down the road behind me so chirpily their cellulite makes Kim Kardashian’s butt look less wobbly than a granite statue of Sam the Eagle — so your real clever move right now has to be letting me across your bridge so you can get your teeth round the heavy duty meat rolling along like a supermarket conveyor in the direction of your taste buds. If the troll really is a stupid as everyone says, I could maybe flash him a helpful infographic on my tab at this point with me standing on the bridge looking all skinny and unappetising — and then flash up goat after goat after goat, getting bigger and bigger and bigger, juicier and juicier and juicier, succulenter and succulenter and succulenter, all bounding inevitably toward the troll’s tongue stretched like a red carpet over the bridge’s rickety wooden planks — and to clinch the deal, I could mock up a special Bumper Goat Meal Deal endorsement by someone like The Rock, along with a cool tagline, maybe Endless Goats for Trolly Throats or Let The Skinny Ones Past For Blissful Eventual Repast or Don’t Kid Yourself When You Wanna Pig Out On Goat. I figure this audacious plan will pull in all the best features of the famous Stanford marshmallow experiment where a bunch of kids said NO to the weeny treat and delayed their gratification for the big treat further down the line, and because the troll is way dumber than any kid, he’s certain to fall for it, hook line and sinker — especially if I mention how The Rock is on the lookout for an iconic monster of considerable renown to model for his career-rebooting luminous dick tattoo. When I’m safely across the bridge, swishing my hooves against all the yummy fresh grass on the other side of the valley, Mom can trip trap the heck outta the rickety woodwork and repeat the process — which ought to be way easier the second time around because our subtle use of repetition and other classic oral storytelling techniques will have hypnotized the troll and directed his expectation toward the outcome we desire, which is for Mom to make it through to the lush, green valley on a promise of way more succulent goaty meat to come — and maybe a private audience with Anne Hathaway sporting a pared-back catsuit dripping with a blend of extra virgin olive oil and liquid Viagra. So when Dad finally trip traps the heck outta the bridge — or maybe just tiptoes, because it would be a shame for the plan to go awry at this stage thanks to the bridge collapsing — we’ll have worked the troll’s desires like a stage magician manipulating a deck of cards to produce the one killer Ace of Spades to bring the house down, and the warty old monster will either be expecting Dad to offer up an even bigger goat — or he’ll be studying Dad’s colossal stomach, fountains of drool dripping from his maw, thinking Boy, I’m so glad I let those weeny goats past! That scrawny kid was dead right! If I’d gobbled her up, I’d still be starved out of my wits, and this delicious meal now heading straight for Stomach Central would never have offered itself up to me on a platter, my gorgeously horrid face would never have glowed in the dark thanks to The Rock’s formidable prepuce, and night after night of kinky subdom action at the mercy of Hollywood’s naughtiest ever superfeline would be but a dream in my otherwise dull and uninventive trolly brain — and I understand perfectly that I’m making the troll sound way smarter than he actually is, but when you’re running with a crazily audacious New Moon plan, milking the situation using heaps of brazen irony is the only way to go. And that’s before we get to the really clever part! Because what the stupid troll won’t be expecting is for Dad to headbutt him into the river using precisely the surprise tactics favored by the New Moon as it sets the year alight with its shockingly innovative ignition power. If we time things right, when Dad finally comes skipping into our lush new valley, me and Mom can be rustling up the finest burger you ever did see, all ready to be garnished with a medley of grass and clover salad so delicious that even Gordon Ramsay would swoon at the sight of it. So what do you think, Mom and Dad? Shall we run with my inspiring and audacious Aries New Moon inspired initiative and risk life and limb to win the day through bravery, verve and breathtakingly innovative smarts?”
Your Aries Noo Moon Date With Neither NEVER, NOT VERY MUCH nor TOO LATE
Gotta tellya, I know how these fairy tale narrative arcs work, an’ mebbe now you are expectin’ Mom an’ Dad to squeal, “yes, yes, yes — let’s seize the day and win our future with this bold initiative” — but in tonight’s versiona this classic fable, they did not.
Mom an’ Dad jus’ grunted all gruff about facin’ the troll an’ laid ’emselves down on the bare Earth to die, leavin’ Baby Billy Goat to kinda wither away, her spirit forever crushed.
An’ weeks later, the local noospaper ran a feature about turtles — sumthin’ about sum guy had a turtle laid eggs in his garage, I dunno.
Think about that for a sec, as the light goes out on your day an’ tamara takes her first kicks against that cocoon she got looks very much like the outer limitsa your febrile braino.
Is that the kinda schwango you want outta your own life?
To use up alla your precious energy an’ zesto layin’ down at the feeta sum stoopid troll barrin’ your way?
Point is, Mother Cosmosis has rigged the celestial vapors to deliver colossal Aries energy right now — real upliftin’ brio gonna kickstart cool stuff likeya never seen before, if’n you wannit.
I touched on this in my last blog post — an’ right at the starta the year when 2016’s demise gifted evryone an opportoonityta figure brighter wishes an’ resolootions — but I figure this precise moment in time is the real McCoy gonna make alla that shit swing out an’ roll.
So, whatever you wanna happen right now, this is no time to lie down an’ die like no hapless goat.
You got an Aries Noo Moon date with fate — an’ alla the firepower gonna bust the odds inya favor is YOURS TO GRASP, MASSAGE ERECT & DIRECT.
So go face down the stoopid fuckin’ troll standin’ inya way an’ do sumthin’ real inspired.
Be smart. Be audacious. Be brave.
Tellya, if this Aries Noo Moon had featured in Star Wars, Obi Wan Kenobi woulda looked Luke Skywalker straight in the eye an’ said,
To hell with the Force being “with you” — may it blitz so hard up your ass you’ll be thrust forward into the fray like a fucking tornado.
Title Image c/o Pixel Sepp @ Pixabay
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