<span class="sdata" title="19"></span> <span class="sdata" title="06, 2017"></span>

Saturn Dating Tips

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-06-15T10:24:25+00:00"></span> |Fate, Love, My Apartment, Relationships|0 Comments


Tellya, Saturn gotta be the loneliest planetary heart.

Cosmos is awash with celestial meetups, good an’ bad, an’ though any kinda opposition involvin’ Plooto gotta feature high stakes pooper power, prolly the worst thing can happen to any planet seekin’ a romantic encounter is to find themselves conjunct frickin’ Saturn!

To hell with love at first sight or Tinder’s random excitement overload — Saturn pops the question early, fixes a liaison makesya wanna flee, then pitches a schedule so suffocatin’ it squeezes alla the O outta fellatio.

Tellya, Mercury to Plooto, those other planets gotta need sum serious Saturn dating tips if’n they gonna survive!

Saturn Dating Tips! Ha! This Is Just An Analogy, Right?

No way!

I am bein’ fuckin’ serious here!

Yanno how it goes urself with the ol’ lonesum — when allya can do is be shufflin’ through cloudy days kickin’ a can along the gutter an’ feelin’ nothin’ but implosive sorrow?

While all aroundya people less ugly an’ talentless an’ givin’ than yourself bag Mr or Miss Utterly Divine & Spiritually Transformational (mebbe even Loaded)?

Imagine havin’ to endure that relentless fate as a barren rock spinnin’ in the void.

*quits typin’ to shed sum tears. ‘specially for Venus cos loneliness is especially cruel to her. *sniff* aw c’mon, quit bawlin’ … composeya self gal… *sniff* tellya, this is worse’n Disney…*

O, Sweet! Is there Anything I Can Do? I Hate To See People Suffer.

Gonna be OK.


But do ya see the problem now?

Mercury, Venus, Mars, Joopiter, Neptoon, Uranus an’ Plooto —all spinnin’ lonesum for amour, all desperate for love’s embrace, all primed to kiss one another soft…


The horror show ring-spinner gonna throw a downer on romance!

Anus-themed breath! Zits all over! Garbage sneakers! Talks shit! Piss stains! Grimy teeth! Weevils alive in ears, nose … dick an’ jyna!

To hell with the Saturn dating tips!





I hear his leaden footfalls echoin’ like collidin’ tombs from the lobby!

Jesus! Hold Tight — Gonna Ring 911

Yeah, an’ call in the fuckin’ military whileya are at it.

They know my apartment of old.

What’s Going On? Sounds Bad!

It’s Saturn!

An’ he is desperate for a date!

Complete with throat-scrapin’ Frenchies!


OMG! Is This True?

Please Say This Ain’t Happening!

Evryone — get to the fire escape!


Elevator is on its way up now — and that can only mean one thing!

Which … Which Is … ?

OMC, Don’t Say It’s True!

Is It Really … Him?

The Scourge Of The Solar System? Crushing Despair Incarnate? The Arch-grinder Of Soul, Enterprise … and Hope?

Spurned By The Planets And Now Prowling The Globe Looking For Love Among Hapless Mortals Such As We?

‘Fraid so.

Worst thing about it is I got an augury jus’ this mornin’ sayin’ he is feelin’ especially romantic reckless an’ HIGHLY LIKELY to charge in here wearin’ only a brown corduroy mankini!

Impeccably ironed!






Title Image c/o Skeeze @ Pixabay

Spread the love, slip in the bookmark, mix up the linky.

<span class="sdata" title="17"></span> <span class="sdata" title="04, 2017"></span>

Your Handy Death Astrology Calculator

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-04-17T06:30:28+00:00"></span> |Astro Checklist, Death|0 Comments


Astrology is the weirdest thing, tellya.

First, Mother Cosmosis flutters down outta the ether an’ says, “hey Princess — fuck alla them dreamsya got ‘bout bein’ a ballerina! Creation is short on astrologers right now, an’ the excitin’ worlda fortune tellin’ demands a new patsy!”

Next thingya know, reckless weekends spent clubbin’ till dawn suddenly become astro consultation after astro consultation — kinda should I let my Cancer cat pair off with my bestie’s Leo dog?, or I am an Aquarius; am I forever destined to get inside nowan’s frickin’ pants?, or (an’ this is the clincher, 5am, puke swillin’ outta evry john) when will I die, Princess, when will I die, when will I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie?

So, listen up.

I got sum astro epitaphs I ran a while back on my Twitter hangout gonna go sum wayta answerin’ that last question for evryone.

To be honest, I ain’t got no clue when anyone gonna die, least of all Moi,  but I figure what follows is mebbe a practical wayta get people to shut the fuck up askin’ stoopid questions when I am tryin’ to imbibe cocktails an’ stay on my feet.

Plus, I am on holiday an’ too frickin’ lazy to generate noo content.

So you gotta thinka this not as a rock-solid augury or prediction sesh but more like a Death Astrology Calculator.

You check in, you calculate, you figure onya death prose.


So, c’mon — Zodiac, whenya ass is fried an’ no more juice slooshes outtaya tinglydanglies, what you gonna find onya tombstone for an epitaph?

Wanna calculate that outcome with Moi?

Oh — You Mean Like The Scene In The Muppet Christmas Carol Where The Third Spirit Reveals Scrooge’s Demise?

FFS — no way!

I am playin’ this one for laughs.

That is why it is called a Death Astrology Calculator.

Coolest thing: Calculator works real easy.

Almost like a … uhm … picture gallery.

You simply selectya star sign … check outya epitaph … then mebbe move on see what is happnin’ this month inya horoscope, jus’ in case today is your last.

Die-hard astro-aficionados may even wanna consult my Handy Horoscope Checklist tellsya HOW to do alla that bonin’ up onya stars deal in a manner both practical an’ illuminatin’.

I figure this is mebbe a wise wayta spend five minutes right now.

After all, there ain’t much else happnin’ on the internets beyond imminent nooclear armageddon an’ sum fuckin’ lame giraffe…


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph


your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

Title Image c/o Total Frickin’ Mystery Person @ Pixabay

Spread the love, slip in the bookmark, mix up the linky.

Hey, I wanna be a generous person an’ credit alla the images I use — an’ this photographer’s collection gotta be onea the best I seen so far.

Go see.