ARE YOU A TRUE ASTRO AFICIONADO?
YOUR ULTIMATE INNER ZODIAC QUIZ!
Does astrology fillya with unbridled passion for mystery beyond the skies?
Does the Zodiac inspireya to go huntin’ forya soulmate with an ephemeris clutched tight to your bosom?
Wouldya die if celestial augury-style wonders ceased to exist an’ were replaced by 24/7 diktats from on high — much like Donald Trump’s instructions to his beleaguered stylist?
Or areya stoppin’ by here jus’ to see if I got so stoopid frickin’ drunk I posted lurid pixa my fanj an’ titties?
Gotta hopeya are a true stargazy buff, O sweet observa wonders!
Cos this is where we discover — in 10 cunningly calibrated questions — whether you is Super Horoscope Enthoosiasm Person or Totally Lame In the Spiritual Enlightenment Department Kinda Asshole!
This super dinky inner zodiac quiz works for all star signs.
Aries to Pisces to actshly I’m a frickin’ skeptic, Miss Loopy Doops Astroflaps!
So — no cheatin’, no peekin’, no foolin’ around!
Answer sweet an’ answer frank an’ answer true!
All will be revealed … about YOU …
1) Anti-astrology beings from a parallel Zero Horoscopes Here dimension rip through a wormhole into our parta the Cosmos, bearin’ Zodiac-destroyin’ weaponry an’ screamin’ “to hell with your stupid stars — we are gonna blitz all things astrological from the face of reality … FOREVER!!!” What next?
a) Aw, gosh — that is such a bummer cos I really enjoyed bein’ a [insertya star sign here].
b) Listen, pal — we got Tom Frickin’ Cruise, so watch your step!
c) Gonna fight you till I got no strength left in my body — and even if I should fall, and you loom over me like a deathly colossus in my final seconds of life, I’ll still be biting for your balls with all I got.
2) Your sweetheart is bringin’ you off real yummo. An’ it’s … it’s … cummin’ …
a) You scream … Oooooh! Ooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaah! Fuuuuuuuuck!
b) You scream … Astrology! Astrology! Astrologyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
c) You scream … Before I forget … my cat is sick … so watch out later … she don’t spew on your paa-aaa-aaants …
3) Uh oh — you absentmindedly signedya name wrong on sum legal documents. Again! So what you just writ?
a) I love astrology so bad I could die. Let its sustaining waves lap over me as if I were being tongued sweet and true by androgynous cunnilingual angels!
b) Your username for Astropeeps.com.
c) Your regular name — but with one additional letter from onea the starsigns (eg mebbe an L from Leo or an N from Capricorn or an I from Gemini, meanin’ if you put sumthin’ like X or Q or K, it is jus’ a stoopid typo an’ don’t count for the purposesa this revealin’ an’ fun quiz).
4) Daydreams possessya — an’ you are lulled into delisho reverie. What imagry plays beforeya as Hypnos hugsya closeta his illusory heart?
a) I see bunnies.
b) I see bunnies, crabs, rams, bulls, scorpions, lions, fish — plus sum real weirdo people on a seesaw and a quasi-chimeric goat-cum-fish thing riding a real dumb looking fuckin’ horse.
c) What in hell is Hypnos? That some new male grooming product targets hipsters suffering from Booger Beard?
5) Reality Check. Go readya Monthly Horoscope right away! Then ask — this an accurate reflectiona your persona? Or a lucky guess hits the sweet spot c/o pseudo-scientific garbage?
a) Hey, I’m a believer, O Princess! And of all the scopes in the galaxy, yours are consistently the most accurate, heartfelt — and fun!
b) Astrology is the shitting of the masses by the excrement of the Ultrabogus.
c) Why is there still no 13th sign of the Zodiac? Surely it’s time the Cosmos levelled up?
6) It is La La Land. Openin’ scene on the freeway. An’ you are dancin’. How do the stars infuseya terpsichorean wherewithal with pizzazz (an’ mebbe a generous splatteringa glamor)?
a) They don’t. My body is a physiological entity and I am a naturally rhythmic person. I just felt like dancing, is all.
b) Beat comes on — you just gotta move. But are you suggesting that astrology might influence my choice of joggers?
c) We are all material objects spinning in the void. When we swirl and flit and meet in sweet caress, it is because we are divine beings on a celestial mission. Plus — I so love fuckin’ twerking!
7) Your sweetheart jus’ walked out the door. “Forever.” That last word cutya so deep — but why did this tragedy happen? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
a) I guess we were astrologically incompatible. Some things are not meant to be.
b) Fuckin’ shitbrain! *scowl* *pout* *stomp* *pout* *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*
c) So … uhm … I accidentally spilled hot water on my ex-sweetheart’s pet terrapin. Happens.
8) Opposites attract — but sometimes it’s warfare. How acutely aware areya ‘bout your own personal astrological nemesis?
a) I understand astrology implicitly — essence to element, house to transit — and I got every single [insert starsigna known nemesis here] nailed to within an inch of its stupid freaking life. No lame [insert starsigna known nemesis here — only this time, mebbe growl real mean] gets past me, sister.
b) I am a goober no-hoper regularly gets stiffed. You saying this is all the fault of astrology — and not simply because I’m so intrinsically flawed my life is a living hell?
c) I keep tabs on my enemies using a variety of strategies, of which astrology is just one. Right now, I’m working on measuring people’s latent aggression by watching how they consume cupcakes.
9) Canya tell sumone’s starsign by the way they kiss?
a) Don’t be preposterous! Next you’ll be suggesting that magic is for real and dolphins can become invisible at will!
b) Is this an academic question — or are you suggesting I go try it out and see?
c) Every ridge and furrow of my tongue laps up the truth of the Cosmos — and no one remains incognito on my watch.
10) One question to go, confirmed astro-fiend —
a) Wait — did you just call me an astro-fiend? How presumptuous! How insulting! Listen, you irresponsible old crank, I fully intend to make it to the end of this stupid quiz having amassed zero fucking points, leaving both you and astrology to wallow in the sorry tears of your own irrelevance!
b) Ooh ooh — did I win? Please say I won — and there’s a trophy!
c) No need to ask any further! I was born a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy, I live each day as a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy, and I will die a hapless stargazy fuckpuppy! Viva astrology! Rah Rah Rah!
Are You A True Astro Aficionado?
Let The Inner Zodiac Quiz Reveal All!
You ready to have the beansa truth spilled overya head till the sauce dribbles all overya boobies?
Then prepare to discover — definitively — whether you is Astrofiend Incarnate or Celestial Skepticism’s Ardentest Ever Disser!
Here’s how the scorecard looks…
1 — A1 B2 C3
2 — A2 B3 C1
3 — A3 B2 C1
4 — A2 B3 C1
5 — A3 B1 C2
6 — A1 B2 C3
7 — A2 B3 C1
8 — A3 B1 C2
9 — A1 B2 C3
10 — A1 B2 C3
Now go pick up a maths whizz from the store — prolly the zero fashion guy in specs oglin’ alla the porno — an’ power ‘em up for the addition…
Score 10 —
Think You’re So Clever, Huh?
Ha! I seen whatya did!
Desperate to cast aspersions on astrology at evry turn (mebbe cosya are sum divinity professor) you jus’ flunked out on my generous quiz so’s you could publish the results in sum stoopid journal an’ roast stargazy stuffs in academic flames.
Like I frickin’ care!
Score 11-18 —
It’s … lookin’ good.
Better than … nuthin’ … I guess.
But mebbe you wanna go fix up a starsign tattoo?
Sumplace prominent — like mebbe onya face?
It’s not that you are bordeline lame or nuthin’.
Jus’ probably need a little reminder from time to time, K?
‘Bout the astro enthoosiasm, remember?
Score 19-25 —
Astro Tits Floppin’ From Devotion’s Bra
Let it never be said that you are frequently found wantin’ in the Zodiacal Thrusto department.
You know your stars, you trustya auguries, an’ mebbe you got pets named after obscure celestial moons.
Friends gather at your feet to pull in your wisdom, lovers crave your astrologically-enhanced juices — an’ asya romp through the day, the planets shine their Zodiac-powered illoominations super sweet onya ass.
Score 26-30 —
So Astro Zealot! So Zodiac-crazed! So Spunky!
Tellya, you are outta frickin’ control!
Mebbe you are even totally fuckin’ annoyin’!
Yanno — like a puppy dog wants nuthin’ more than to lick lick lick lick lick run run run lick lick lick chase ball chase ball run run lick chase ball run lick run run run lick chase ball chase ball all fuckin’ day.
Jus’ SLOW DOWN before sumone PUNCHESYA IN THE CHOPS, K?
We both know astrology is jus’ so super cool it makesya feel warm an’ gooey inside, but there is no need to behave like a total dickbrain.
Actschly, it is prolly cozza people like you that regular folks get so anti-frickin’-astro.
“Dear sweet Jesus — that gal down the street is off her face ditzoid! Astrology this, astrology that — she should be locked the fuck up.”
“Have you seen that weird book he carries round with him all the time? It’s not a novel or text book — it’s just full of numbers. Really weird looking … numbers!”
“She speaks to the Moon. Can you believe that? In 2017! When we have science and convenience foods — and guns!”
So yeah, things’re kinda anal retento out there rn, so you gotta take care.
Buy a frickin’ parrot an’ get sum pirate clothes.
Deflect attention away from the astrology deal by mixin’ it with Depp-inspired braggadocio.
Prolly that gonna fix the naysayers real good…
“Dear sweet Jesus — that gal down the street is off her face ditzoid! Astrology this, astrology that, treasure chest crammed with doubloons the other — she should be locked the fuck up. Just gotta decide whether she deserves regular jail or a walk along the plank to the bottom of the ocean!”
“Have you seen that weird book he carries round with him all the time? It’s not a novel or text book — it’s just full of numbers. Really weird looking … numbers! And that hat of his is totally ridiculous. Why can’t he wear a regular baseball cap? Or at very least cut his hair short and neat. Like a soldier.”
“She speaks to the Moon. Can you believe that? In 2017! And the parrot echoes her every word. Why keep a parrot as a pet when we have dogs and cats and rabbits? It’s outlandish to behold a parrot anyplace outside a jungle or zoo. Where did she obtain such a pet? Has a parrot shop opened up in the mall?”
See how the pirate strategy lets overzealous astrology offa the hook?
Your Inner Zodiac Quiz — The Scholarly Conclusion
Tellya, there is more to Moi than mere superaccurate astrological counsel an’ zero a cappella prowess.
I am srsly packin’ the lifehack tips also.
So come back next Monday see what I got, huh?
Sun is in Gemini right now, so you jus’ KNOW I am gonna be rustlin’ up sumthin’ super practical gonna relaxya strained astro-orifi an’ let the celestial vapors waft outtaya like synchronized vape wisps from a sponge…
Title Image c/o Mira De Shazer @Pixabay
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