Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap
Alla The Planets. Alla The Weirdsy Animals. Alla The Incisive Spielo.
How This Works
C’mon, this is the internets, an’ we noo millennium dwellers’re way too tech savvyta braincheese out on dredgin’ up our personalized booby doo from a rangea available options to be flummoxed the heck outta our minds by a buncha buttons with alla the signsa the zodiac emblazoned ‘pon ’em like beacons pointin’ the wayta Horoscopes Nirvana.
But I am mortal along withya, an’ I know how it goes sumtimes. I figure even natural born geniuses got plentya stoopido potential slooshin’ around ‘longside their Eureka DNA, so I made it EASY. Kinda point an’ frickin’ click!
March 21st to April 19th
Major astro shibboleth we got flippin’ out this month is a whole buncha planets gowin’ retro.
Mercury an’ Joopiter are already leadin’ the charge down the pan, an’ they gonna be joined by Saturn an’ Plooto real soon.
For Aries, that means boundin’ up the volcano gonna feel more like leapin’ across steppin’ stones.
Want my advice?
Lose dumb accessories an’ flappity apparel an’ be sure to pack crotchwear got a generously elasticated gusset.
You gonna be in mid-air BIG TIME this month — equally exhilaratin’ an’ scary, not to mention gymnastically semi-porno.
But at least the heavens got a cardinal swing gonna suitya firecracker moods.
Be ready to speak out on the 15th when Mercury redirects his ass your way, but take care on the 11th not to unleash a final showdown features YOUR ASS as the ultimate finality.
Noo Moon on the 17th got your name on it — so feel free to behave abominably.
April 20th to May 20th
Starta the month rocks out on real sweet herald action for the days ahead.
Recent astro narrative has seen planets mass as fuckin’ street gangs an’ go marudin’ through the neighbourhoda the day.
So Capricorn Season loaded up with Cap-happy planets … an’ the pattern repeated on through to Aries.
Deal breaks up this month, but a Venusian Full Moon allied to Ms Beauty Poppet rollin’ into Taurus shows promise.
Jus’ gotta watch for gettin’ stuck through April.
Sum tough retrogrades gonna slow shit down an’ present major obstacles, an’ to sumone slow as shit who typically presents a major obstacle to evrywan else, you real susceptible to gowin’ stagnant.
Then you gonna get all sulky an’ stomp around like a total cunt.
So watch for that.
12th is dreamy but watch for any hopes an’ aspirations blossom here don’t miscast ‘emselves as misery an’ wanton despair on the 17th — breathe deep an’ pull onya inner strength for that Way Fucked Toosday.
You make it through, last daysa Aries are a doozy.
Sun rolls into Taurus neat an’ sweet on the 20th — then Plooto turns retro an’ we all gonna DIE.
May 21st to June 20th
Astro mood right now is like sum big ole buffalo balls slappin’ away against ripplin’ buffalo flesh as the enraged beast charges down an innocent bystander.
As a gnat that likes buzzin’ round gossip-fuelin’ spectacle, this is mebbe jus’ a little too heavy dooty forya flighty sensibilities.
So listen, you gotta take care here, orya purty wings gonna be bent in half.
Mebbe take sum time to pull back from the front line an’ leave the planetary ballistics to play ‘emselves out.
Gotta figure them gnat wings be due sum quality needle & thread time to fix ‘em up ready for birthday season later in April/May.
Noo Moon on the 17th followin’ Mercury redirectin’ his ass in Aries mebbe gonna have a more Gemini-friendly front foot feel — which is no bad thing for a winged gnat temporarily detoxin’ on the buffalo balls deal.
So go intake information at mebbe a slower speed an’ pull in the Venusian delish insteada focussin’ on brash sparkle.
Fallow to mellow, resty to zesty — that is the way to catchee monkey this month.
(Don’t ask me what a fuckin’ monkey is dowin’ showin’ its face durin’ the yeara the Dog btw. I ain’t no expert on that kinda Dragon astro schwango.)
June 21st to July 22nd
Biggest deal between now an’ 2020 is how Saturn in Capricorn gonna keep profferin’ tricky-but-beneficial career level-ups.
That means even if y’are a super slacker couch potato you gonna slack more productively.
Main thing is, Cardinal energy runs rampant an’ demands your shell play armour ‘steada shield.
So, prepare for frontline career combat, potentially under duress, but remember Saturn gotchya back.
7th an’ 14th are real power days, an’ the Full Moon in Scorpio enda the month got real energizin’ surprises tucked away in its stinger, so be sure to knuckle down an’ throw yourself into whatever.
Heavens are ablaze with retrograde planetary fuck-ups, an’ plenty people gonna be on show, ragin’ up front.
But seriously influential eyes are on YOU, lookin’ for your take on the deal, an’ while plenty people might expect you duck out an’ protect your ass, likely you gonna surprise the fuck outta the stoopid bastards cos there be career advance potential here, possibly extra dollars for noo curtains an’ pet food.
Jus’ be sure to check summa the ingredients in anythin’ promises a protein boost forya cat or dog, ‘specially if it is the drier kinda food & not regular mooshie.
Tellya, summa the crap they put in that stuff be more like steroid junkie fodder.
July 23rd to August 22nd
The heavens load up with big time retro planets — from Mercury’s mischievous imp through Joopiter gone ditzoid to Saturn grindin’ onya ass an’ Plooto packin’ the soul-searchin’ deeply uncomfortables.
Cardinal energies beat down hard onya creativity an’ values while slooshpuppy Venus heralds dark days ahead when loser sloth Taurus carries the banner for the Zodiac’s Fixed quartet with less showmanship & pizzazz than a post-fuck dick droopin’ down next to a fluff-packed navel.
Worse still, unfavorable aspects rise from Fate’s celestial wheel with the relentless lurcha zombie hordes bustin’ outta graveyards, offerin’ naught but tough days ahead an’ plenty unpleasant surprises.
But FUCK ALLA THAT.
Main deal is, Summer is jus’ round the corner.
An’ your Leonine Spidey Sense knows instinctively how this can only mean one thing.
GOTTA TRIM FLAB FOR THE BEACH.
Go on, take a look down below.
You seriously steppin’ out onto the parasol boardwalk with that wibble wobble fucker hangin’ offa your ass?
So here’s the trick: it be Taurus Season soon.
Let ‘em eat cake while you work out in the gym an’ eat rice paper spaghetti.
Heat arrives later in the year, you gonna be a beachgasm fuckpuppy, tellya.
August 23rd to Sepember 22nd
We gotta talk money an’ admin, Sweetie.
Uranus is real antsy in Aries right now an’ he gonna bust out sum serious disruption on the 18th.
But you studied the auguries an’ you know how this is merely a precursor for Asshole Humor Central to switchout on a Taurean roll in mid-May.
World is in dangerous flux, an’ long-established patterns’re kinda reliant on Saturn in Cappy to pull us all through.
Uranus in Taurus is major leagues apple cart upset material, an’ all kindsa shit is likely to romp forth outta the blue — especially regardin’ finance an’ fine art depictin’ fat ass gals with pendulous boobies.
Point is … this is time to think ahead an’ shore up your finance an’ admin machine.
Now I know here how it works next to perfect for you virgin types, but next to perfect don’t cut it for what might be comin’.
Mean time, draw succor from the emergin’ Earth power roll.
Noisy Arian days are drawin’ to a close — an’ those wet blanket Piscean nights be long gone.
Venus lends glam to workaday chores, an’ Sun in Taurus gonna look afterya real sweet when it rolls into action on the 20th.
So gear up an’ cherish perpetual toil on a pre-emptive mission.
They got frilly tutus, stoopid capes, whole interconnecto ditza spangly maneuvers.
An’ they tugged sweet on one another sans goober collision as they shimmied round a big balla fire.
Tellya, that is sum story, sum celestial narrative.
Cos zappo close to the center, on the loonest kisseda rockballs out there, ya got you an’ I (plus kittens).
We are peerin’ out, tryin’ to figure Mother Cosmosis (prolly in our favo frickin’ sneakers).
We hoomans’re legends among the stars, Zodiacal hemorragesa archetypal conflux hangin’ out in coffee bars.
Thing is, alla that space dust an’ space rock an’ space vapor don’t frickin’ care either way whatcha think.
So if material substance in motion gotta choose, it is either YOU or sum crocodile beest zapped all mutantbraino nooclear...
...an' no way you gonna let no stoopid reptiles stealya precious future. Ain't that right?
'Specially seein' as them mutant reptile beests got no frickin' table manners cozza their stoopid forked tongues.
So come on in.
Kick back, flop out, and prepareta get gooey droolsum withya favo planets.
Yup. 'Fraid so.
I am not kiddin' here...
September 23rd to October 22nd
Gotta figure it is always cool when a planet beaches deep in its home Zodiac sign.
It is like butterflies bein’ released into the sunset — only with Venus in Taurus, those butterflies are bunnies.
For most people, this is mebbe good news cos it promises a Springtime fulla beauty more abundant than a swim pool packin’ bronzed hunks flauntin’ the world’s shapeliest ever wieners.
But for Libra … slight problem here.
Cos Venus is your planet also, an’ bein’ such a diplomatic expert at sharin’, prolly you gonna stomp out all petulant.
Good news is … plenty violent Aries energy flashin’ about the place offers the perfect opportoonity to demonstrate diplomatic mastery under fire.
Saturn gowin’ retro in Capricorn is merely a cosmetic bonus.
tbh, this is the point in your latest novel writin’ project whereya should focus on the central conflict an’ get it straightened out.
I guess what I am sayin’ is, April is kinda antsy, so bein’ regular Libra Sweetiepoppet gonna seem less like reflex an’ more like gowin’ through college for the triple PhD deal.
October 23rd to November 21st
Worst thing ‘bout bein’ a fish outta water is that you’re not even a fuckin’ fish.
But it don’t make no sense to talk ‘bout bein’ a scorpion outta a desert cos the whole deal with scorpions is how they can go anyplace.
Scorpion in a jungle? Check.
Scorpion on a mountain? Check.
Scorpion nailed to an airplane as it flies into a radioactive nook bomb cloud? Check.
Anyways, my point is kinda how the astro cycle is spinnin’ away from your arena right now.
For sure, Pisces Time was fun, but now things’re feelin’ distinctly pre-Taurean, an’ I am remindeda Keats’ famous lines …
So, listen — stay cool, keep movin’, an’ vamp out on alla the world’s weaklings losin’ the frickin’ plot on mebbe the 11th, 16-18th an’ especially the 22nd.
That last is when Taurus time starts, but also when Plooto switches to retrograde an’ prompts evrywan go soul search.
Man, do they not frickin’ like that!
It is cruel to watch ‘em suffer, but tbh that’s your only genuine pleasure this month, so mebbe celebrate the Full Moon in your own sign right at April’s end by summonin’ a demon from the pit to massage your asshole with her tongue.
If’n you can’t fix that, mebbe buy a cheap pony.
November 22nd to December 21st
Plenty fire an’ disruption rockin’ out in the heavens gonna make alla your adventures real excitin’.
An’ Venus in Taurus lends a sartorial tint to shit you might otherwise ignore.
So perhaps this is a cool time to reflect on your Sagittarian wanderlust an’ ask — do I do this to escape bcs I feel trapped, or is there intrinsic value in runnin’ toward life’s abundant miracles?
I wanna suggest April be about the latter — even ifya are an innately rebellious kinda centaur romps about the place jus’ to be fuckin’ difficult.
Be aware tho that 2018’s openin’ brio skids off course through April thanks to heavy dooty retrograde planetary action.
Saturn an’ Plooto join Mercury an’ Joopiter for planetary smack in the mouth gonna take sum dodgin’.
That said, I am gettin’ more an’ more pissed off by astrologers predictin’ retrograde disaster — especially when it is Moi doin’ the fucker.
So mebbe sumone gotta rage against the tide an’ transform the whole retro deal into a positive to rival a baby bein’ born or discount panties in the lingerie store.
An’ who better to fix that positive deal than a Sajjo?
So, hey — when you online through April, an’ astrologer persons’re sayin’ shit like “thanks to Pluto’s retrograde influence, surely we will all be consumed in a ball of flames”, you comment back with sumthin’ real smart an’ wittily sarcastic like fuck off you cunt.
Yeah yeah — let’s show ‘em.
December 22nd to January 19th
Best thing ‘bout bein’ the last one standin’ is whenya are also the first to get up.
Gotta figure the whole astro vibe is really swingin’ your way right now.
Saturn is in Capricorn till 2020 an’ the mood is swellin’ up all Taurean — real sensible an’ stabilizin’ influences make it easy to demonstrate to evrywan how RIGHT you are ‘bout EVRYTHIN’.
But April’s Saturn retro delivers a hardcore test.
On the surface, that is a cool thing, right?
Cos what Capricorn don’t love a genuine test to help ‘em grow stronger?
Thing is, this is not a surface test — it goes deep to the core you strive so very hard to safeguard.
Ain’t gonna be calamity, cos you tough an’ you gonna pull through, but expect some confidence wobbles gonna shakeya into believin’ you ain’t actschwlly an all-powerful god or goddess destined to rule o’er all forever.
Watch also for how retro planetary action gonna mebbe fuck onya plans indirectly.
Gotta figure while YOU might maintain reliability an’ steadfastness under pressure, same can’t be said ‘bout your underlings.
Mebbe deploy the Full Moon on the 16th to tactical advantage by treatin’ everywan to burgers in a swanky diner or sumthin’.
Your faithful servants may be feckless an’ hapless, but now ain’t the time to have ‘em fuck shit up on your behalf.
January 20th to February 18th
Coolest thing ‘bout Mercury Retrograde?
Your natural ditzy nature fits in real easy like evrywan meant to say nuthin’ but crazy shit.
Makes for big time Aquarian inventiveness, I guess, as the raw material spoutin’ outta evrywan’s mouths comes pre-cranked for left field off-the-wallishness.
Big plus also is how Uranus is rockin’ out his last few months in volatile Aries, lendin’ maxo verve to the whole disrupto deal.
So I guess starta April seesya with all guns blazin’ an’ all balls juggled.
Jus’ gotta be mindful ‘bout that energy as the month romps on into May.
Plenty barriers to Sparky exist on the horizon an’ it is gonna be harder to getchya ideas out into the world.
That is why the Aries Noo Moon on the 15th is key.
Here, you got a real opportoonity to command center stage on a genius brainwave ticket — an’ ifya are super smart, this Eurekastuff gonna giveya momentum to negotiate Saturn an’ Plooto gowin’ retro so near simultaneous they could be a doom prophet dance troupe.
For sure, Full Moon in Scorpio enda the month demands vigilance less’n your composure cracks anya find yourself uncharacteristically weepy.
Main thing is, April got plenty postitive, so go max out in style.
February 19th to March 20th
Gotta figure Venus in Pisces be so sweet — but when she rolls into Taurus, she is trooly yummy.
An’ tbh that is a necessary deal right now.
Plenty incendiary action through April makes bein’ a Pisces kinda tricky — too much noisy an’ violent disruption stealin’ your sleep.
But we got Earthy reassurance also — a fundamentally calmin’ vibe gonna carry you through a month packed with genuine difficulty.
Best way to chill out right now is by touchin’ base with cherished objects.
It is mebbe not an innately Piscean pursuit — an’ I am not suggestin’ here that you entirely forgo lyin’ in a scented tub for a week with more champagne thanya can drink — but sumtimes it is helpful to blend summa the dreamy with a whole buncha tactile an’ reflective.
So as Saturn an’ Plooto go retrograde mid-month an’ the Moon is ravaged by Aries, go dig out your treasure box or pay real close attention to summa the junk you got clutterin’ up the place,
For sure, you driftin’ in a dream beyond all material substance, but Saturn in Capricorn knows it be for a purpose, an’ Venus in Taurus says even the fuckin’ stoopid Snoopy socks your even fuckin’ stoopider aunt gotchya for Christmas possess an allure both sensual & kinda beautiful.
In all these objects, there is presence without doubt an’ stories without end.
So mebbe in those moments when April’s immodest rowdiness impinges onya peace, go check in on sum Earth magic wantsta bust on outta your evryday world.
Socks, rocks, spoons — in these small things lies a comfort so simple an’ true it can transform the darkest clouds into the brightest sunshine.
Sounds like an ad for a chocolate vibrator — but it’s no lie.
Sorry, time is all gone.
Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?
No matter how specialya thinkya are.
So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.
YOUR HANDY HOROSCOPE CHECKLIST
Gotta figure ifya gonna derive maxo benefit fromya horoscope you gotta imbibe its wisdom all proper.
Simply follow my super-practical 10-step Guide, an’ horoscope readin NIRVANA gonna be thine, tellya…
Douse me in sunlight.
Float me in air.
Breathe on me sweetly.
What else is there?