Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap
Alla The Planets. Alla The Weirdsy Animals. Alla The Incisive Spielo.
How This Works
C’mon, this is the internets, an’ we noo millennium dwellers’re way too tech savvyta braincheese out on dredgin’ up our personalized booby doo from a rangea available options to be flummoxed the heck outta our minds by a buncha buttons with alla the signsa the zodiac emblazoned ‘pon ’em like beacons pointin’ the wayta Horoscopes Nirvana.
But I am mortal along withya, an’ I know how it goes sumtimes. I figure even natural born geniuses got plentya stoopido potential slooshin’ around ‘longside their Eureka DNA, so I made it EASY. Kinda point an’ frickin’ click!
March 21st to April 19th
I would not wanna suggest y’are like sum bug-eyed fish outta water rn, Aries, but FFS quit flappin’ your darn fins at evryone and comin’ on all super AQUATIC.
Truth is, whenever the Sun takes a romp through Libra — & welcome to NOW btw — harmony an’ diplomacy flutter like doves into the ascendant, along with mebbe a whole buncha self-penned song lyrics sound like they been wrote out by sum stoopid dreamer kid.
This suit the Aries vibe? Yanno … alla that enterprisin’ an’ catalytic vigor, rendered super energetically (an’ also kinda LOUD)?
Uhm … course not.
So, listen, you jus’ gotta rub along with evryone bestya can, rememberin’ always that while Libra got diplomacy real finessed, you can still pack harmonizin’ smarts by gettin’ through at least two consecutive hours without drawin’ blood or whappin’ nowan unconscious.
Was it George Washington said, “when it comes to witholding the desire to destroy, gotta run with baby steps first”?
No … waitaminute — that was Moi.
So here’s whatchya do.
Be aware also that Joopiter begins his illoominatin’ descent-as-ascent through Scorpio from the 10th, so alla those clearcut Aries horizons compelya to run on ahead & max out on the squee squee squee gonna mebbe haze over or disappear altogether.
Big planetary shift like this takes time to see, an’ cos Scorpio is kinda “of pits & Abysses cast” (an’ that was Washington this time), for once you gotta look beforeya leap.
Thing about havin’ Libra as an opposite sign is how she is relatively generous compared to other Zodiacs.
So the super-Libran aspects rockin’ out 13-16th got ASTRO BREATHIN’ SPACE FOR EVRYONE written all over ‘em.
Go take advantage! Cos Libra sure gonna fuck on you on the 19th!
I sense a real big idea gonna land onya ass mebbe don’t go down too good with … uhm … evryone.
A real GENIUS OR CUNT? moment.
Scorpio powers up the scene from the 23rd, an’ until the overtly secretive world reveals its mysteries, absence by absence, you jus’ gotta trust to all things regular — like fixin’ upya Halloween stuffs.
Horizons get clearer from the 26th — but that don’t mean you gonna like ‘em…
April 20th to May 20th
Know that thing happens sumtimes whenya are eatin’ out?
You got sumthin’ real delish an’ juicy, a whole buncha sauce jus’ oozin’ down the bladea your knife?
Blade’s glint catches the restaurant’s ambience, and though the sauce consumes this miniature illusory world, prolly you could watch it ooze on sweet forever — at least till it run all the way down your hands an’ tickled on through to your elbow.
That is the vibe October got for you Taurus types … as Libra extends her take on Venusian sweetness to her special bovine friend.
“Such creatures of beauty, we two,” sings Libra.
“Forever be we graced with radiant sheen!
Yet I am prolly sweeter, e’en than you.
FFS where in hell your fingers been?”
Thing is, gratuitous pleasure an’ effusive charisma aside, October got plenty obstacles also.
We been on a weirdsy journey this year, with relationships takin’ a hit from Joopiter’s retrograde ride through Libra.
Bein’ evryone’s friend, you prolly rode that one out, an’ recent Virgo clarity got special boosts on that score for Taurus types.
But your preferred Springtime paradise is long gone now, an’ Mother Cosmosis gotta lay on treats for her Autumn an’ Winter Zodiacs.
Which means … Scorpio.
Lotsa super-energized Scorpio action is lotsa super-imminent — an’ your first licks gonna drop 17-18th aheada the big Poison-tailed Underworld Critter Deathfest on the 23rd.
Acorpio got a way different viewa passion an’ commitment to the one you hold dear, an’ the shift outta Virgo & Libra to this … this … monster ain’t never easy.
Butchya gotta remember this…
It is true how you an’ Scorpio sit either sidea the celestial wheel, glarin’ at one another ‘bout what real life-or-death shit matters MOST.
But, see, sumtimes people can be so fuckin’ stoopid, an’ they wanna go toss alla that celestial energy outta the window.
Like you an’ Scorp gonna loosen your grip on the celestial wheel an’ let that happen…
May 21st to June 20th
Is there trooly such a creature as a grounded Gemini?
Gotta figure most times, such unrealistic weirdness only gonna be matched by scientists breedin’ unicorns an’ werewolves to fill the gap left in the scrawny household pet market by them pig-ugly fuckin’ sphynx cats.
Thing is, Sun is in Gemmo-friendly Libra right now, an’ celestial action favorin’ home an’ emotional mojo is kinda dunked on down in a Twinny direction like a big ole cream cake thrust in a humongo mugga yumzilla hot chocolate.
Sun, Mercury, Venus & Mars all gotchya back — which is no mean achievement for sumone bustin’ out on sparkly facets like they got no troo … side.
That is the wave … so go ride.
Full Moon on the 5th might disrupt the benevolent flow — but as a surprise enthoosiast, I knowya gonna roll on through.
Mebbe jus’ too much edge is all … ‘bout sumthin’ real important … so watch out.
Way I see it, Libra gonna spoonfeedya twinklies for the first few weeks.
Sup sweet, glow bright, reciprocate in style with flourescent glitzo.
Then mebbe pull back mid-month, go play equally smart with decisions more suited to Shit Under The Hood — an’ I do not mean Halloween here, though please be thinkin’ ahead to your moment in the twilight as Skimpy Death-themed Apparel’s Hottest Ever Vampo.
From 23rd — an’ buildin’ from mebbe the 17th — you gonna notice big changes in the way social discourse plays out.
Libra gonna fade, Scorpio gonna shimmer, an’ you mebbe gonna hear shit like, “remember when I said last month how XXX? Weeeeeeell … I been thinkin’…”
Problem with when Libra’s super-exooberant love-in switches out to super-secretive Scorpio is how people pull back on courageously harmonious stuff they said … an’ kinda go quiet on evryone.
But hey, you too mucha a social butterflitix expert to take this kinda celestial change personal, but jus’ be aware now that enda October demands a sharp switcha tactics.
How hard can THAT be to pull off, O scatterbrained ditzytits?
June 21st to July 22nd
October got renewal squirtin’ outta its propulsion ducts, tellya.
See, I know the deal for you crabby Zodiacs is pullin’ in real close to fam an’ friends — cos in the end, biggest whirlpool fulla love is alla the people you trust an’ nurture.
Only problem with that neatly secure scenario is … ulp … closed loop.
Sorry to say, but Time is an uncarin’ ravager, an’ it gonna snuff out alla your FAVO HAMSTERS, one by one … till you got no more warm & fluffy beings to cherish.
Libra is kind to Cancer that way — a generous ceasefire in the Cardinal Showdown deal playin’ out most other times.
So … new relationships gonna blossom as Libra’s hand opens select doors … just for you!
Gotta love deep renewal that way.
Tellya, any meditation or chillin’ you wanna figure from mebbe the 10th gonna be so blessed with revitalizin’ relationship power you prolly gonna experience lightnin’ bolts flashin’ offa your titties asya lie prone.
Butchya wanna hear the best part?
Scorpio power is swellin’ up all juicytumescent … slow an’ sure … slow an’ sure … as October sees Ts turn to sweaters an’ hugs between friends become more like fuckin’ apparel.
Deep treasures abound — an Mercury firin’ up in the Scorpster gonna sweeten up your tongue for communicative clarity, incisive reflection … an’ plenty flesh-pleasurin’ oral action from wherever it spilleth.
Jus’ gotta watch for Scorpio’s intensity onslaught as Joopiter an’ Mercury link up big time before the Sun gasms out on pincers an’ poison.
You are sensitive to this kinda energy, an’ it is a full-on ride from 17-23rd.
I would wantchya to be exalted, consoomed an’ energized … but plz take care not to be swept away.
You disappear, an’ the world falls apart, tellya.
An’ even if it don’t — who gonna fix up alla the apple pie?
July 23rd to August 22nd
Ever since the August eclipse, I been seein’ plenty self-inflated balloons hoverin’ o’erhead — all with not a care in the world as they drift.
Humongo boobie dirigibles … all proud an’ Leonine … been hoggin’ the horizon like they was Venus or Joopiter!
Such orbilicious grandeur as only Lions can manifest!
Hey, but listen — gotta warnya ‘bout an imminent Theme Park Waaaaah Waaaaah Bawlout Reality Check.
You know the deal — you are SIX an’ it is DISNEYLAND an’ you got ICE CREAM an’ a HOPPITY SQUIRREL ADVENTURE RIDE that is so THE BEST THING EVER EVER EVER!
Then sum cartoon bear guy says, “sorry, kids — park is closing now, an we all gotta switch out to beddybyes in preparation for adult life years hence when evil, racist forces prowl every neighbourhood, seeking to destroy all innocence.”
(K, so I kinda made that las’ part up, cos even though cartoon bear guys got mebbe more inspirational foresight than most people, they also understand how pissin’ off the kiddies gonna lose ‘em their jobs.)
So … uhm … listen — sumtime soon, there gonna come a POP as superlofted Leonine majesty reverts to a more perambulatory HEY LOOKIT MY TITS kinda swagger.
I say the 6th has it — when Mars smoochies up to Venus in pinprick-specific Virgo.
You been warned, Sweetie!
Thing is, beyond balloons, reality gotta roll on.
An’ asya plummet toward the ground, evry generous Libran gonna gather, arms outstretched, to catch you — prolly on video, cos this is such a hoot.
Even when disaster strikes, you still got an audience gonna pullya through.
Jus’ be aware that hoggin’ the stratosphere since August gonna have habityoolized you to a real close-up viewa the Sun’s rays.
Meantime, down on Terra Firma, Scorpio’s Underworld Espionage Team clambers from the Abyss.
Enda October is no time to be Sun-blind — so mebbe recalibrate those light-sensors bibbidy-boopsyin’ either sidea your nose, K?
Call me L’il Ms. Oblivion Averter, but I would srsly recommendya do this on the 10th.
August 23rd to Sepember 22nd
Yeah, I know there ain’t too much detail there, but I am bang on the sentiment, right?
An’ I know your own 275-point plan is waaaaay better.
Tbh prolly these kindsa plans’re second nature to you — as easy to dream up, transcribe an’ exact as breathin’ … or pullin’ on ironed undergarments.
I would wanna suggest also that the recent Virgo planetary swoop inspired alla your recent plans to be super detailed … an’ shockingly clever.
An’ unlike Sagittarian plans (“mebbe I better catch breakfast before the Sun goes down…”), your recent batch gonna last all year through.
The Universe’s Supreme Diligence Avatars hereby awardya 15/10.
(An’ kissya ass.)
Thing is, if the fyooture is fixed up, all spickety-spannerly certain, what you fuckin’ doin’ perusin’ sum lame ass astrology site?
Aw, see — I figure you got an itch.
Sumthin’ you left out, somethin’ not quite tied up dippedy doops with a symmetrically elegant bow.
Gotta figure these first two weeks in October — resoundin’ with Libran lyricism an’ the occasional spazzo interpretive dance routine — are kinda bonus Virgo days.
Venus got sum real sweet aspects with Plooto an’ Mars right at the kick-off, so go fix that last parta the plan real neat.
After that is it kinda “My October” … whatever you wrote out.
Call me Ineffectual Bitch Queen, but I ain’t looked too far ahead for Virgo, figure you got it all mapped out.
But, hey — shit hits the fan when the Sun plunges into Scorpio’s bottomless pit on the 23rd, mebbe look me up on Twitter (where my sublime astro counsel dangleth like Benedict Cumberbatch’s steamin’ balls after a hot shower).
They got frilly tutus, stoopid capes, whole interconnecto ditza spangly maneuvers.
An’ they tugged sweet on one another sans goober collision as they shimmied round a big balla fire.
Tellya, that is sum story, sum celestial narrative.
Cos zappo close to the center, on the loonest kisseda rockballs out there, ya got you an’ I (plus kittens).
We are peerin’ out, tryin’ to figure Mother Cosmosis (prolly in our favo frickin’ sneakers).
We hoomans’re legends among the stars, Zodiacal hemorragesa archetypal conflux hangin’ out in coffee bars.
Thing is, alla that space dust an’ space rock an’ space vapor don’t frickin’ care either way whatcha think.
So if material substance in motion gotta choose, it is either YOU or sum crocodile beest zapped all mutantbraino nooclear...
...an' no way you gonna let no stoopid reptiles stealya precious future. Ain't that right?
'Specially seein' as them mutant reptile beests got no frickin' table manners cozza their stoopid forked tongues.
So come on in.
Kick back, flop out, and prepareta get gooey droolsum withya favo planets.
Yup. 'Fraid so.
I am not kiddin' here...
September 23rd to October 22nd
Most famousest Libran ever?
Gotta be John Lennon.
Tellya, that guy got peace an’ harmony an’ love an’ understandin’ bustin’ so hard outta his ass he helped wreck the greatest pop sensation psychedelified outta the fuckin’ 60s.
An’ those famous Libran peace vibes today?
Seems North Korea gonna be trashed by sum obnoxious groper.
Tellya, healin’ the frickin’ planet ain’t what it usedta be.
Prolly the bestya can do right now is shaveya fanj into a heart shape an’ dye it pink or tattoo SERENITY onya dick so it swells up all metaphorical when the lovin’ spirit fills it fulla whooshie.
Thing is, although October’s post-Equinox hummer is your season, an’ although you got sum real benevolent planetary action gowin’ down (an’ I am thinkin’ Superboost time from 13-16th, along with a scintillatin’ Noo Moon on the 19th), grand harmonious schemes ain’t figurin’ so good in 2017 beyond smaller groups an’ liaisons.
Natchrlly, you got a handle on mosta the small stuffs — keepin’ evryone in smileysweetie line, smoothin’ over ragged edges whereverya find ‘em — but that wider imbalance gotta be irritatin’ the fuck outta your pants, trust me.
So here’s how you gonna make inroads into fixin’ that sucker up.
Sun an’ Mercury hit up all Libran kissy kissy on the 8th, so you gotta endeavor to make sum personal statement.
Lyrics, paintin’, poem … I dunno, sumthin’ artsy, real hooman-centric — an’ rockin’ out on blissgasmal Libran verve.
When Mercury and the Sun square up to Plooto in Capricorn on the 9th, you gotta put that feverishly spontaneous artsy statement OUT THERE — smacko in authority’s dumb fuckin’ face, jus’ like Lennon at his most deliciously provocative an’ innocent.
Mebbe you’ll see results immediately … or mebbe you gotta wait till Mars swings all Libran on the 22nd, but raise the incendiary harmony bar ye must….
October 23rd to November 21st
tbh I don’t care if your life is gowin’ to hell in a frickin’ handcart rn.
An’ neither do you.
Two reasons for this baby.
First, you been resourceful enough times to knowya gonna pull through — even ifya haveta die tryin’.
Second (an’ the main biddy widdy detail to grasp here), you sense sumthin’ FUCKIN’ AWESOME is on its way — sumthin’ gonna infuseya titties with perkilicious rompola!
October is always real excitin’ for Scorpio — Autumn’s generous ochre hues givin’ way to the barren Underworld darkness as Halloween looms kinda thing — but 2017 gonna be a real big time Pincer an’ Poison festival.
Main reason is Joopiter swingin’ his merriment round your way on the 10th.
Gotta figure expansive Joopiter an’ secretive Scorpio ain’t exactly the most cosya bedfellows, but the red-eyed monster adds verve to any’ sign’s essential mojo, meanin’ that for the next year, enlightenin’ wind gonna whooshie atchya back, propellin’ you forward with power-up energy.
Mercury enters the mix on the 17th, formin’ a harmonious aspect with Joopiter an’ addin’ real momentum to the Scorpio sting before the whole weirdsy insect shebang gets rollin’ on the 23rd.
Do not even get me started on the scope for rollercoaster Scorpionics on the 26th when a Sun/Joopiter flashgasm ignites the transformative touchpaper on the comin’ month till Sajjo time.
Tellya, you got power, you got purpose, you got smarts.
So jus’ ride out the first few daysa October; jus’ let the wild Libra harridan wailin’ wash overya like an ABBA song belted out by a dyin’ horse.
Then rise up from the pit, O loominous dark creature!
Mosta the Zodiacs had their say this year — an’ they made a real fuckin’ messa shit.
Alla that piddly poddly poopsyin’ around ain’t gonna get nowan noplace.
If noo life gonna rise up an’ fix stuff up, it is time for all good Scorpios to administer necessary death.
Be unflinchin’, be uncompromisin’, be un … DERWORLD!
November 22nd to December 21st
Hey, fuck horoscopes for this month — only nooz is Libra gets to be an asshole (an’ that ain’t really nooz).
Prolly we gotta talk Halloween, cos we are now enterin’ that timea year where nuthin’ much cool frickin’ happens an’ we gotta make stuff up.
That says to Moi … costoom up like a bat tillya frickin’ drop!
Hey, cos I done that before — an’ you wanna know what is the worst thing ‘bout battin’ up for Halloween ‘steada (say) makin’ out all Frankenstein, vampire or nouveau teen werewolf?
THE FRICKIN’ WINGS!
Prolly you got three choices here.
First is … realistic 3D skinnyflappy.
For this option, your wing material (plastic, rubber, fabric, whatever) got sum kinda cane or wire support so the wings swoop offa your back like a regular bat.
Problem here is, evry timeya turn round in the bar, sumone’s drink or eyeball gets totalled.
Second option is kinda same, only without the support — but this meansya EVIL HALLOWEEN DEVIL AURA wings hang real limpo an’ useless offa your back like a paira peeled foreskins.
Third option is no wings at all — which is jus’ stoopid.
Anyways, my point is that you gotta plan now for the big day.
Sajjo spontaneity is all sweet an’ delish mosta the time but you wanna make out as the hottest Halloween vamp, you gotta bookya costoom now … or get sewin’.
There is no greater shame than bein’ upstaged by a meticulously prepared Virgo werewolf packin’ REAL HAIR GROWTH on her titties thanks to sum male pattern baldness serum she been injectin’ in her strawbos since fuckin’ Febrooary.
Do not go there, Sajjo.
December 22nd to January 19th
Big nooz for most Zodiacs this month is Joopiter’s switch-out from Libra to Scorpio.
For all hard-workin’ Capricorns, this mebbe means a little more socializin’ an’ the occasional EXTRA BISCUIT withya mornin’ coffee.
Friends an’ fam alike will sense a WARM NOO YOU — an’ even dogs gonna quit bein’ quite so spooked wheneverya pass by.
Aliens land, they gonna pickya first for the anal probe an’ brain scoop … dear sweet Jesus, October is such a frickin’ party for Capricorn, tellya.
But we gotta be serious too an’ talk ‘bout death.
There is plenty bleak finality on offer this month alongside the … weeeeeell, when I said a little more socializin’, what I meant was more conversations ‘bout death with random strangers in the mall an’ the coffee shop.
tbh, now is a great time to become a Death Expert — highlightin’ the perilsa bein’ unprepared for the Reaper’s scythe an’ backin’ ‘em up with a cast-iron offer to pitch in with your skills an’ talents an’ help people out … all for a reduced fee.
Plooto is zimmin’ along direct in your sign once more, an’ you might wanna book a date inya diary for the 9th to spend the whole day thinkin’ ‘bout howya can take advantagea DEATH DEATH DEATH.
Cos Scorpio energies gonna rise up an’ cut back on a whole buncha dead wood — summa which you gonna miss, bein’ all fulla Earth an’ permanence, but mosta whichya can replace or replicate usin’ Capricornian construction talents sublime.
When DEATH DEATH DEATH comes knockin’, people gonna need HELP HELP HELP.
Oh, an’ one more thing — do not check in withya stylist when the Noo Moon drops on the 19th.
Reckless Cardinal energies operatin’ elsewhere in the Cosmos that day dictate you gonna make an unwise choice — sumthin’ real stoopid gonna make a mockerya your personal chic.
Might I suggest hirin’ a small long-haired dog an’ shavin’ artistic shapes on her back?
I do not wantchya blowin’ your stylistic cool when celestial forces dictateya solve major death issues in Wal-Mart’s canned fruit area.
January 20th to February 18th
Thing about October for Aquarian Zodiacs is how alla the beneficient energies’re broad ‘steada deep.
Cosya know how it is, most months — love an’ fortune look supremely blessed, but it is mebbe red alert for buyin’ curtains or gowin’ on a boat trip kinda thing.
Nothin’ stands out in particular — save for mebbe a creative boost right at the start — an’ it is a more general positivity gonna fillya cup.
Gotta thinka makin’ small improvements anyplaceya can.
No major plans or strategies, no big time switchin’ out — jus’ extend an’ grow out all over.
8-10th is a great timeta think about career smarts, an’ I would wanna figure in sum time to go workout also.
Problem people got with Autumn is how easy it is to schloop off into Shutdown mode an’ shuffle through till Christmas like sum pallid zombie.
Pull in a fitness class with a suitably talented exercise gooru an’ you gonna improve alla the circulatory an’ musculoskeletal stuffs upon which a broad expansion plan gotta depend.
Jus’ watch for obsessive restlessness as the first Scorpio energies kick in from the 17th.
First parta October, you got positive Libran vibes flowin’ through an’ helpin’ you roll along.
Scorpio switchout is still (oddly) kinda beneficial — but it is like, yanno whenya ordered too much ice cream in the parlor, an’ you eaten mebbe three quarters, an’ prolly you gonna puke … butchya still gotta finish the fucker off?
Growin’ up an’ out gonna be kinda like that as October nears its end — but hey, who cares, cos then it is Halloween.
You prolly been warned before how it is mebbe inappropriate to go trick or treatin’ with the kids cosya might get mistook for a pedo … but don’t they jus’ love havin’ Ms Weirdsypants along for the ride, barkin’ like a lycanthropic hellhound or mummified all glam in loominous tinsel?
Jus’ gotta watch out for fuckin’ bats.
February 19th to March 20th
It is so weird, this duality you got between bein’ a dreamer on the one fishy flipper an’ a martyr on the other.
I would wonder that sum days the horizon kinda pulsates like a fat bumble bee on a scorchin’ day — scary one minute, beautiful the next.
Good news is, Joopiter’s move to Scorpio for the next thirteen months ushers in a real positive era, an’ with cool energies flowin’ outta evryone’s favo pincer & poison beest come the 23rd, this is a sweet time to be a fishy Zodiac.
Principally this is cos the fyooture gonna seem less … hazy.
I know nebulous opacity is your preferred vista — all shimmery an’ swirly like a bathtub fulla milk an’ honey you can jus’ ooze inta — but it is also cool to have more control overya destiny.
You see more scope for dreams you wanna put into action, mebbe there gonna be less time wasted bein’ a martyr to sum other stoopid fucker’s agenda.
Course, alla this swing toward practical dreamin’ hinges on relationships, an’ it is mebbe ironic that you gonna receive a boost here jus’ as Joopiter skips outta Libra — but I am merely a supremely talented astrological conduit person, not the ultimate celestial creator, an’ I do not make the rules, K?
Thing is, when Mother Cosmosis texted me ‘bout your scope this month, she went outta her way to emphasise the relationships issue.
“be sure to remind P she is not self-sufficient like aries or cap & needs goodwill to flourish”
An’ it is troo!
So enjoy Joopiter’s harmonious Libra energies till the 10th, then prepare to drill down on sum resourceful an’ purposeful dreamin’ as Scorpio takes up the reinsa havin’ your back.
Full Moon on the 5th could be edgy, but I would wanna suggest the 18th & 19th as a great Scorpio Boost Duo, so set aside some midweek time quality time an’ go get pampered or buy a real hot sports car.
Sorry, time is all gone.
Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?
No matter how specialya thinkya are.
So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.
Douse me in sunlight.
Float me in air.
Breathe on me sweetly.
What else is there?