Horoscopes <span class="sdata2" title="2017-12-05T09:07:20+00:00"></span>

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

divine astrologer promoting eternal radianceSlide thumbnail

Alla The Planets. Alla The Weirdsy Animals. Alla The Incisive Spielo.

Horoscopes

How This Works

C’mon, this is the internets, an’ we noo millennium dwellers’re way too tech savvyta braincheese out on dredgin’ up our personalized booby doo from a rangea available options to be flummoxed the heck outta our minds by a buncha buttons with alla the signsa the zodiac emblazoned ‘pon ’em like beacons pointin’ the wayta Horoscopes Nirvana.

But I am mortal along withya, an’ I know how it goes sumtimes. I figure even natural born geniuses got plentya stoopido potential slooshin’ around ‘longside their Eureka DNA, so I made it EASY. Kinda point an’ frickin’ click!

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for fortune in december
horoscope fate future stars prediction

ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

NEED HOT TIPS FOR GETTIN’ THE MOST OUTTA YOUR HOROSCOPE?

Count Me The Hell On In, Sister!

Las’ spin for 2017, yallz…

descendant pluto blossom
2016 is over.
descendant pluto blossom
Dead an' gone. All burned.
descendant pluto blossom

She rocked out on hope an' death.

descendant pluto blossom

Spent evrythin' she earned.

descendant pluto blossom

But now, the time has turned.

descendant pluto blossom

An' 17 got the breath.

descendant pluto blossom

Gonna kissya sweet, gonna loveya,

descendant pluto blossom

O unfoldin' shibboleth.

ascendant jupiter blossom

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

Ooh ooh — it is the skippety hoppity run-up to Christmas!

An’ you gotta figure the troo reason why this is always excitin’ ain’t Santa.

tbh, fat guy is jus’ a bonus frippery.

Big deal this month is how it is mostly Sagittarius Season.

C’mon, think back to how weirdsy shit was in November as Scorpio’s icy chill prompted telescope & lens go look deep insideya soul.

Tellya, if’n we still got Scorpio in charge, the exooberant run-up to Gifts! Bonhomie! Alcohol! would mebbe feel likeya were sum GOAT bein’ DRAGGED to an ALTAR FULLA FOREBODIN’ to have your HEAD chopped THE FUCK OFF.

So, yeah, marketin’ guys — try sellin’ that fucker as festivity.

Point is, Aries got real affinity for the Sajjo vibe, an’ it rompeth on super sweeto rn.

Sun is joined by Mercury an’ Saturn (not the best place for Saj to be, but at least it means the Old Grinder ain’t causin’ trouble under sumone else’s lame watch), an’ from Ye Very First Day O’ Yuletide, your advent calendar gonna be poppin’ with candy dropped smack outta Venus.

That makes for sweet Christmas kinda fun, but also a neat setta visionary apparatus to fire up your thinkin’ for 2018.

We got plenty big time Sajjo reflection gowin’ down, ‘longside big ideas for the fyooture — alla which consolidate superimpactfully when the Sun switches sign to Capricorn jus’ before Santa actshwlly descends downya chimney.

Please be thinkin’ ‘bout this kinda stuff asya tie up 2017’s loose ends an’ unravel the gloriesa 2018 yet to be (alongside alla the usual festivity schwango) — an’ for inspiration, mebbe look in on my very first blog post, wherein I spoke (with considerably wise astro counsel smarts imho) ‘bout resolootion.

Jus’ gotta remember how pesky Mercury flops out retrograde from 3-21st.

That kinda messes shit around sum, but I am not an astrologer favors the view that Merc retro gotta always mean cognitive calamity — yanno, like do not operate a computer or it gonna chew offya face, kinda thing.

Prolly jus’ meansya got more slack for sum creative invention — spesho ‘bout how to max out on Christmas & pack in the smarts for your 2018 plan (an’ I would hope to drop further hints an’ tips ‘bout this mebbe later in the month, U wanna.)

Jus’ take extra care on the 6th with any an’ all mental processes!

Mercury kisses up real close to Saturn in Sajjo, an’ I got mixed feelings ‘bout that liaison.

Also, Libra is pitchin’ you the lasta her Martian antsy till the 9th, an’ she gonna be especially pain-in-assy sassy on the 2nd.

Big day itself gonna be mighty interestin’ cos we got a similarly close kiss-up in Capricorn between Venus an’ Saturn.

Makes for a real trad event with all the trimmings, dished up super dainty.

Might feel mebbe too formal an’ overdone for Aries, but what is the pointa stability other than to provideya with a launchpad from which to cavort an’ party?

Meantimes, stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Evrythin’

Back To Top

TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

If’n you onea the lucky Taurus types jus’ celebrated Thanksgivin’ you’ll know from your Deep Bovine Mythology how this celebration got another name.

Yeah, cos in moo cow an’ bully circles, it is called a rehearsal.

See, cos I know you all been swappin’ texts an’ exchangin’ photos ‘bout how much delisho foodya threw downya throats.

An’ I know it was you guys darn near broke the internets when StomachySue grabbed top slot on the Taurus Pigout Leaderboard from DannoTheBurger over on Boregorge.com.

Gotta figure that transforms Christmas Day into a battleground — even for modest bulls near the bottoma the league who only typically neck half the turkey an’ use a spoon to scrape out alla the cookin’ utensils after puddin’ ‘steada jus’ lickin’ like a wild an’ slaverin’ beast.

(Ha! We know why ya are such sublime dick an’ cunny teasers!)

Meantime, gotta figure you guys earnya keep at the tableya so spectacularly empty by makin’ with the top class gifts.

Everythin’ is planned an’ paid for, an’ cosya are the dearest friend, you buy classy, personal & heartfelt.

That is why Mom got a drawer fulla the same fuckin’ sweaters an’ your Dad’s work colleauges know him affectionionately as Mr Those Socks.

Your peer group is even more spectacularly blessed with superaptae in perpetuity.

An’ so … to the hardcore astrology.

Gotta figure evrythin’ till the Sun drops in Capricorn close to Christmas mebbe got a cheesy feel — like alla the shoutin’ an’ flashy trashy gets in the waya the trad?

I figure that is a producta Sagittarius Season don’t suitya simply practical ways, so jus’ ride along with it till the true spirita Christmas rolls out all neat an’ familiar.

That’s whenya can max out on romps under the mistletoe gonna wobble the rubbery reindeer antlers the fuck offa your head.

Tellya, you guys snog out by the Christmas tree, alla the decorations swing in unison like the Earth jus’ become a giant cruise ship on a sensually undulatin’ ocean.

(Extra kudos for makin’ the top pointa the star crownin the tree flop over with a deep moan, btw.  That is such a neat trick.)

Watch out for intermittent retrograde bummer action on the 2nd, 16th & 20th — it is only Uranus tryin’ to unsettleya intrinsically stabilizin’ ass.

Best day prolly gonna be Christmas the 25th … plenty Capricorn action swingin’ ‘longsideya here, tellya.

Meantimes, stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Whatevah

Back To Top

GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

Now Sagittarius Season is in full swing, life for Gemini is kinda like bein’ on the wrong sidea the room at a knock-em-dead party.

Worse still, the person baggin’ alla the limelight an’ kudos is a loudmouth asshole packin’ Max Wardrobe Blindness whose sensitivity to witty innuendo goes no further than dippin’ their tinglydanglies in evrywan’s drinks.

But I figure that is not so bad.

Shiny twinkler Twinnoes gotta have sum let-up, right?

Cos you been on a real sparkle workout this year.

An’ tbh even a 50% Gemini got more pro-active performance pizzazz than most people, so prolly you gonna wing it through christmas, same as always.

Gotta figure also that cosya are such a fuckin’ ditz, your whole shoppin’ & prep deal gonna be gone to shitto.

So where others gonna bust out on a bonhomie rockin’ on seasonal goodwill, prolly you can be relied upon for the fuck’s sake ain’t Christmas a bummer? style stress-out humor the whole world takes to its heart this timea year when when evrythin’ goes loopsydoopspants.

Srsly tho … plenty parties, good times & glam comin’ up here — so watch out forya customary burnout.

Your full Moon drops on the 3rd (a Sunday, worst luck) so fix up a taxi home for the night before an’ have a suitably Gemini AHEADA MY TIME blast.

Gotta expect plenty to point up and shout about, mainly thanks to a disruptive Uranus gettin’ evrywan’s backs up on a fiercely Arian ticket.

See, cos I know howya love a good story.

Dunno ‘bout the hooman caterpillar, but for sure you can be the hooman conduit rn as volcanic eruptionsa purest weirdo barf out from the pre-Christmas swingeroo.

For anywan can describe — wittily, amusingly & relevantly — what the fuck gonna drop outta Uranus an’ Mercury’s combined retrogade ass, there gotta be prizes.

So stay alert, flipya tongue to Max Argento, an’ enjoy a 3-week spin turned all super incendiary  — mainly thanks to the planets Sagittarius got doin’ its hardcore cheerleadin’ bein’ hounded round the arena by sum sweetly disruptive motherfuckers.

Mars in Scorpio from the 9th weirdsies up the groove, an’ the Saj noo moon on the 18th gonna be killa (likely I will say more ‘bout this baby closer to the time on Twitter or Tumblr — less’n I ain’t drowned in a fountaina my own cum.)

Fireball cut-off comes jus’ prior to the full-on Yuletide celebs when Capricorn steps up her energies big time.

That is mebbe when alla the flasho drama gonna die away — leavin’ Ms Twinklypants to hold court center stage with her ravenously provocative mistletoe action.

Gotta remember, pixie boots were invented by a Gemini — an’ the toes curl up at the end for a reason.

Be sure also to spend quality ditztime with a notebook an’ pen plannin’ out sum noo stuffs for 2018.

Bein’ spontaneity’s ficklest impropreneur means plannin’ takes 2nd place to effortlessly an’ scintillatingly happnin’ mosta the time, but when Cappy got the reins … an’ a Noo Year beckons … prolly Gemini can benefit most from sum srs strategic plannin’ time — even if it is only for like 15 fuckin’ seconds.

You want help with that, see here sum stuff I wrote out starta 2017 after 2016 had ravaged the planet.

Plenty resolution suggestions there, an’ I will be back before 2018 with a similarly upbeat analysis — provisionally entitled Cunt The Fuck Outta My Tits, Shitface!

Meantimes, stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Wonderment

Back To Top

CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

Tellya, nowan loves romance more’n Cancer — an’ that is an ORDER!

You see any flighty Geminis makin’ with the mwah mwah mwah on your patch, you go kick ‘em in the ass!

Any Pisces come along, sayin’ how their ruler Neptoon bestows upon ‘em all romantic magnitood, you go ties their fins in a KNOT.

As for Leo … plain FFS.

Why do I mention romance at all, when clearly the ishoo to be resolved mosta December is how to prepare for (an’ frickin’ survive) Christmas?

Aw, yanno , same as I recommend pretty much most stuffs in these Beyond Astoot horoscopes I got — bcs it is what you need to hear right now.

See cos Christmas is Fam & Friend time — a festival fulla warmth & love busts out smacko starta the Capricornian season you cherish so.

Problem is, fightin’ your way through Sagittarius Season intact … an’ trustin’ yourself to deliver on alla the Cancerian sweetness you got.

So plz do not bust out on worryin’ an’ burnin’ yourself into the ground tryin’ to fix stuff up sweet for evryone.

That is not to say … be a fuckin’ louse an’ abandon your tribe, startin’ with Granma … jus’ be sure to swing along with the vibe an’ pull on the carefree fun like you deserve it.

(Bcs prolly you do — even ifya smack Granma in the frickin’ chops.)

Remember always how the reason Christmas sumtimes frazzlesya out is not cosya are lame but cosya care so.

Alla which brings me back to … romance.

Cos romance is soft & gentle, romance takes its time.

Romance is easy an’ chill, makesya melt in a heap till allaya tingly parts flutter away like everbutterflies.

So want for that, evry timeya open your calendar an’ pull out sum stoopid snowman candy.

Asya bite off heads an’ chomp — angels, reindeer, Santa, even fuckin’ Jesus — savor evry date, slow down the pace, fix intentional mojo on ROMANCE.

See, cos though we got a Sagittarian riot gowin’ on rn, plenty big time Capricorn stuffs gonna pulse out on Christmas trad once alla the shoutin’ is over.

So carry yourself to that place, slow & sweet & soft, like you were dancin’ with romance itself.

You may even wish to drool theatrically.

Check in on my blaaahg toward year’s end also for Noo Year Resolootion stuffs — sumthin’ I figure gonna be a real sweet proactive thought exercise for Cancer this year.

Prolly that gonna drop on my blaaahg sumtime after Christmas — if’n I can still walk straight after crammin’ my scrawny hide fulla hearty fayre & alcohol.

Meantime: ROMANCE!

An’ that is an ORDER!

Plz also  stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Evento

Back To Top

LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

I wrote sumplace ‘bout the relatively mellow heat Leo got compared to Aries & Sagittarius.

Way I see it, Fire signs got a kinda volcano, hearth, beacon narrative — alla which plays kinda cool for Leo at Christmas.

Big show, big time, big fun — all with your tribe gathered up snug & close & safe.

Tellya, Leo at Christmas is such a lovable ol’ kitty I darn near jus’ fell offa my seat thinkin’ boutchya.

Ways to max out on festive cheer as Sagittarius Season rolls over all Capricornian for the annual Final Feast Before The Reaper Hits?

K, so think ye merrily ‘bout mebbe these key days …

December 1st — Venus drops in Sagittarius like a chocolate egg pur-loppin’ in molten milk. As the dimmed lights an’ fireplace flickers glow gold an’ silver on tinsel & bauble, gotta figure you gonna experience a real delish ambient festive warmth — perfect for baskin’ & dreamin’ & creatin’.

December 3rd — Full Moon in Gemini, so go tap your favo Twinny pals & watch ‘em cast fairy dust into the limelight. Then take notes, steal their act & mebbe use it next time you pitchin’ or proposin’ sum grand noo scheme.

December 6th — Hookup between naughty retro Mercury an’ naughty anyways Saturn spells big trouble for postin’ selfies.

December 18th — A scintillatin’ Noo Moon in Sagittarius invitesya to embrace life, no holds barred. Saturday also, so be sure to book a party or sum other big night out whereya can sup deep an’ cavort exotically.

December 25th — Fat guy & clearly fictional reindeers deliver abundant gifts. Who cares what alla the planets’re doin’ — get happy!

Later — Be sure to fix up your 2018 resolootions asap. Plenty diffusin’ watery energies gonna make decisiveness kinda fluffy an’ nebulous. You get stuck, check in with my blaaahg sumtime before Noo Year — or jus’ read my motivational summary from 2016. Tbh, if I emerge from Christmas in anythin’ like my usual waster state, prolly I will jus’ re-post an’ hope nowan notices.

Course’n these are only suggested narratives, an’ you gotta figure plenty gonna be gowin’ down most other days.

FFS, whaddya think this is — a frickin’ horoscope?

Meantime,  stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Rompo

Back To Top

VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd 

I feel like a fraud.

An’ I got a confession to make (as if admittin’ I feel like a fraud ain’t sufferin’ enough.)

As I write your personal monthly horoscope for December, it is already Toosday the 5th.

Gotta figure your Virgoan diligence gonna have big issues with this, almost like I had invitedya round to my apartment for pizza an’ eaten the first slice on your plate myself.

Thanks to Moi, you got five whole days missin’ fromya life — incloodin’ the Full Moon in Gemini on the 3rd.

It is like those days never happened.

Worst deal is, ifya been harborin’ any doubts these past few months ‘bout my credentials as an astrologer person, you’ll have big time ammo from now on.

“Why, that fraudsteress pseudo-astrologer had the audacity to present days-old facts as prescience … like she was no more graced with predictive wherewithal than a two-bit reporter for an equally two-bit local newspaper.”

Truth be told, I would fall on my sword … only I can’t find the fucker.

In my defence, gotta say I am merely a lusty Sagittarian tryin’ to see out the besta the Sagittarius Season fulla heart.

If you were Moi, you would understand, I am sure.

In fact, I trooly believe you would have no qualms whatsoever ‘bout eatin’ TWO slicesa pizza if the tables were turned.

Yeah, an’ the olive sides.

Anyways, I wanna wishya a Merry Christmas whileya are here.

(See, that is how monstrously stargazy I am; I know exactly what is comin’.)

Gotta wonder how Earth signs prolly got the best deal outta Christmas, seein’ how ultratrad Capricorn energies hold sway over the whole shebang.

An’ prolly this Christmas gonna be especially Earthsum.

So mebbe that is how this all gonna work out.

When Christmas comes, Virgo gonna exact revenge ‘pon her chosen astrologer for bein’ cheated outta the first five Daysa December by baskin’ in the glowa Capricornian energies sublime … while the selfsame wicked astrologer sits in a corner, sad an’ alone, with only a chunka coal an’ a twig to console her.

*sniff*

As I wither away beforeya, stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Unfoldy Stuffs

Back To Top
In the beginnin’, there was zilcho.
Then a buncha planets got together an’ maxed out on sum Cosmic dance troupe ensemble schwango.

They got frilly tutus, stoopid capes, whole interconnecto ditza spangly maneuvers.

An’ they tugged sweet on one another sans goober collision as they shimmied round a big balla fire.

Tellya, that is sum story, sum celestial narrative.

Cos zappo close to the center, on the loonest kisseda rockballs out there, ya got you an’ I (plus kittens).

We are peerin’ out, tryin’ to figure Mother Cosmosis (prolly in our favo frickin’ sneakers).

We hoomans’re legends among the stars, Zodiacal hemorragesa archetypal conflux hangin’ out in coffee bars.

So, hey — wanna rock out on sum celestial booby doo avec Moi? Or areya too smart for frickin’ astrology?

Thing is, alla that space dust an’ space rock an’ space vapor don’t frickin’ care either way whatcha think.

So if material substance in motion gotta choose, it is either YOU or sum crocodile beest zapped all mutantbraino nooclear...

...an' no way you gonna let no stoopid reptiles stealya precious future. Ain't that right?

'Specially seein' as them mutant reptile beests got no frickin' table manners cozza their stoopid forked tongues.

So come on in.

Kick back, flop out, and prepareta get gooey droolsum withya favo planets.

Yup. 'Fraid so.

I am not kiddin' here...

LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

Main story for Libra, I guess, is Mercury retro in Sagittarius.

Speakin’ personally, the more I grow in strength, stature an’ wisdom as an astrologer person, the more I figure alla the fuss ‘bout Mercury retro is a buncha horseshit.

In its way, this is like a pole dancer decidin’ she don’t care much for poles no more.

“To hell with my career! This is not heresy … merely a rebirth! I still got tassles on my titties an’ a fat ass — an’ I am gonna make it as a dance artiste, poles or no!”

What in hell does retro even mean anyways?

Your lute gonna bust a string whileya are serendin’ sum potential sweetheart?

Gotta figure, cosya are kinda big on nailin’ whatever is gowin’ on (forya novel, concept album or Broadway myoosical), Merc retro’s main malign effect gonna be kinda ear worm.

Retro fucker is all over Twitter already an’ it has only jus’ begun.

Worst thing is, I am as guilty as alla the stargazy ne’er do wells.

Your computer is conspirin’ to destroy you. Your smart phone wants to rot your brain. Avoid talkin’ to ANYONE till December 22nd because your every thought and word is madea solid nonsense.

Gotta figure sumthin’ like this is how the world gonna end.

A meme runnin’ outta control.

Prolly Mercury retro in Saj got a long wayta go before it overtakes real hardcore stuff like Kimme the Nooker’s fuckin’ hairdo … an’ it may not be the one, but for sure there gotta be one idea ultimately rules supreme or any concepta universal truth is a bogus philosophy.

For communicative & rebellious Librans, the whole Merc deal is prolly a cunningly packaged thought exercise.

Evry time it shows … Twitter to Tumblr to IRL conversation to IRL consultation with a genuine astrologer person for help with your concept album’s song titles … you gotta assoom mastery overya thought process an’ words.

Merc says COMMUNCIATIVE CHAOS WILL RULE SPUREME … you defy his fuckin’ ass.

See MERCURY … write a poem.

See RETRO … get worldbuildin’ forya dystopian romcom.

See UNTIL DECEMBER 22nd … compose a noo song.

It is mebbe durin’ challengin’ times that our creative potential trooly rises to the surface.

Do not let this Mercurial shibboleth beatya!

Oh, an’ Merry Christmas.

Meantime,  stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’Planetariness

Back To Top

SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

Wanna know a secret?

I been dreamin’ ‘bout you guys for like about a month now.

An’ it is the same dream evry time.

Know the scene where the conquerin’ heroine rides off into the sunset on a thunderin’ charger?

K, so I got the same deal for Scorpio, only it is a scorpion ridin’ a bunny.

See, cos I figure you is still on a roll after Scorpio Season, buoyed by Joopiter’s optimistic glow an’ pullin’ in dreamsily benevolent vibes from Neptoon.

It is likeya personal magnetism — by turns scary an’ intense — got a kinda warmth level-up, an’ as we all cruise merrily toward the festive season, gotta figure your personal popularity gonna soar.

Neat time to be a Scorpster!

In particular, I wanna select out the 9th as a time when stuff really powers up forya thanks to a whole buncha Martian energy whuppin’ out to pincers an’ stinger.

Two ways to look at this baby, dependin’ on whetherya are SUPER PLANNIN’ Scorp or WING IT Insecto-pants.

Shop an’ prepare stuff early, an’ alla that Martian Scorpin’ can ooze on into the FUN.

Alternatively, alla the festive preparation itself can become the main event.

Jus’ remember that alla the fiery Sagittarian rompo buzzes out jus’ before the fat guy shows an’ there gonna be a real energy switch as a whole buncha celestial vapors waft over into Capricorn.

An’ I know how sensitiveya are to VAPORS.

Prolly most people gonna wind down from work or college, bust out the Rudolf sweaters an’ iron the figgy puddin’ ready for the big day — but you gonna mebbe feel on the switch more sensitive, so watch out cos it is gonna be like gowin’ from walkin’ on hot coals to swimmin’ through mud.

But that is cool for Christmas, right?

Melted chocolate an’ gravy?

Tellya, Christmasgot real trad vibes bustin’ outta its locker an’ I would wanna remindya here ‘bout your Secret Santa Mission.

Those Cancer people inya life … solid through an’ through this year … well, hey, it is time to break out the treats, real special.

Those guys would love that so much.

Meantime,  stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Miraculature

Back To Top

SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

What is there not to like ‘bout the Heavens right now?

‘Part from Neptoon in Pisces, cos that is kinda a bummer?

Here we be, Sajjos maraudin’ ‘cross the plains en masse, seekin’ mountain, forest an’ open range, blossomin’ with adventure — an’ there is like a RIVER.

“Anywan got a map knows how we get around this?”

So alla the Sajjos gotta head back down the pass, round the other sidea the mountain … only FFS now there is an OCEAN.

Also, Mercury gone retrograde in Saj, so now the centaur posse got fuckin’ split up.

We all ‘sposeda be headin’ for the same summit, right?

There to ignite inspirational beacons?

Only half the groop got stuck round the backa the ocean an’ nowan can contact ‘em cos they can’t get no signal on their phones an’ the Sun’s rays melted alla their bugles.

Worse still, Aries in Uranus is makin’ evrywan antsy, an’ sporadic fights’re breakin’ out.

Insults fly, hooves smack against hooves, arrows whistle true into butt flesh.

Tellya, this kinda scenario cracks off, usually Venus INYA OWN SIGN mellows shit down real sweet — only shit is so bad out there her lofty flight through Saj is merely an opportoonity to experience despair (an’ I am thinkin’ here mebbe ‘bout sum childhood Christmas whenya got evrythin’ you wanted ‘part from the ONE KILLER TOY an’ you were miserable an’ forlorn till fuckin’ EASTER.)

Ha!

I am tryin’ my hardest here, but FFS we is ON A ROLL!

Wanna jus’ say tho that mebbe the big nooz for December — ‘part from how the Sun gonna shine so hard outtaya horsey ass you prolly could blind eyeless salamander beests in an alternate reality — is the balance gotta be struck between rockin’ out on Christmas festivities an’ wisin’ up for the year ahead.

Gotta figure such dual focus demands multitaskin’ an’ for once you gotta aim for a real tight balance.

This is always one parta the Saj Season deal I find especially challengin’

The urge to romp is colossal, ‘specially when I am near mistletoe, an’ the urge to splurge out on the present moment is dangerously temptin’.

Burn it all up, an’ when Noo Year drops it can kinda feel like bein’ stranded.

Conversoflipperly, you gotta watch for too much stargazy speculation ‘bout shit ain’t happened yet distractin’ from the festive glory.

Mebbe it is jus’ me, but I would wanna remind horse-assed marauders all that now is best timeya got to think an’ act broad — yanno, the whole mutable fire ignites all kinda deal.

Prolly I will say more ‘bout this closer to Noo Year.

Meantime,  stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Horizonola

Back To Top

CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

I so love nature shows fulla sharks.

They are jus’ the weirdest creatures ever — ‘part from mebbe jellyfish an’ ostriches.

Thing is, sharks’re always associated with eatin’ stuff, ‘specially Ozzie surfer guys an’ babies fall outta boats.

Only it ain’t true.

Mosta the time, sharks’re jus’ swimmin’ around on an empty tank.

Cos like the ocean bed ain’t like fuckin’ Noo York or Tokyo; mostly it is totally empty ‘part from water an’ plankton.

Only time sharks get a look in on alla that archetypal evolutionary throwback ravagin’ is mebbe once a month when sum dead whale floats down from outta the shallows … or mebbe a stray minnow cuts its fin on a rock an’ inadvertently emits the shark attraction blood vibes.

Anyways, point is, you prolly been sharkin’ around on empty for a while now, bidin’ your time, waitin’ for the moment.

An’ asya snake through the gloom on an elongated aquavertebrate ticket, twinklin’ lights appear up ahead.

Christmas is comin’, an’ with it, a whole buncha fam an’ trad comfort blanket stuffs consolidates a full 365 daysa hard work.

Payoff time!

I would wantchya to know that this Christmas gonna be super special for all Capricorn types  … an’ asya swim closer prolly these days also gonna be ones to cherish.

Natchrlly alla the main action happens when the Sun drops inya sign on the 21st, but the real big deal is Saturn rompin’ home the day before.

Long term, that gonna usher in a glory time for alla the world domination shit I figure lurks deep within evry Capricorn soul.

For now, jus’ welcome it in an’ mebbe hold back on the ultimate master plan until Christmas is over.

That gonna letchya enjoy prolly the best feast a festivity-hungry goatsy shark gonna taste in decades.

See, cos Christmas Day features a spectacular Venus-Saturn conjunction whose earthily optimistic vibes gonna be felt mostest by you aquagoat types.

Tellya, I am deeply envious!

So go glide December, takeya time, feel prouda all the stuffs you done in 2017.

An’ when the dead whale flops onto your dinner plate alongside the roast potatoes an’ the sprouts, I jus’ knowya gonna feast an’ be merry in ways you gonna remember for alla your days.

Meantime, stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Zoomin’ Around

Back To Top

AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

An’ Lo, twinkly lights did festoon the mwahtosphere.

Reindeer did fly, halls wert fulla holly decked, an’ ballsack jokes did abound.

Tellya, Christmas is so intrinsically wacko prolly even the crankiest Aquarius gonna fit in sumplace for once.

Best part gotta be fixin’ up dumb gifts for alla your friends — carefully chosen an’ wrapped up real neat … then given to the wrong fuckin’ people.

Tellya, best present I ever had offa an Aquarian was a leather-handled nostril hair trimmer.

What Granpa missed out on as a male groomin’ essential now serves as a totally inefficient fan durin’ the hot sweatsa Summer.

Tellya, sweats get too hot, I pull the fucker out an’ chill to the max on zero airflow relief.

So I guess the deal forya this year is to mebbe run with a partial wrappin’ strategy.

That way, evrywan receives what you intend ‘em to receive.

Mars in Scorpio from the 9th gonna be ideal for makin’ with the gifts kinda half wrapped an’ half exposed cos then you can be sure to fix up the unwrapped part on the underside where it won’t be seen by whoever is the recipient.

Frickin’ foolproof!

On a more serious note, gotta watch for a coupla things along the way.

High Capricorn action features large for the core festive Season, an’ with Neptoon’s Piscean energies receivin’ a Jovian stir, be sure to rein in summa the overt Aquarian provocationals an’ switch ‘em out for the hoomanitarian vibe you got gowin’.

Revolootionary storm comes in the Noo Year, so play sweet durin’ the turkey an’ crackers, an’ when holiday time goes to sleep kinda 28, 29, 30 — then is the time to really fly out on summa the Uranian intooitions an’ insights been flickerin’ on the periphery all year an’ come up with a 2018 blueprint gonna be a Zinger.

Tellya, you jot a few notes down durin’ the Sajjo Noo Moon on the 18th an’ leave ‘em to marinade over Yuletide, you prolly gonna Eureka on out whenya come to review ‘em before the Reaper drops.

Jus’ a suggestion, you don’t gotta pay heed — wanna run with musical split crotch panties an’ eatchya figgy puddin’ with matchin’ dildo chopsticks, be my guest…

Meantime, stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Spinout …

Back To Top

PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

December is here — an’ with it comes the Annual Piscean Dilemma Gonna Meltya Brain.

Cos when the big Christmas Party drops, you gotta decide …

Reindeer, Elf or fuckin’ Snowperson?

Help Me, Please, O Princess! Which Festive Costume Should I Choose?

Aw, it is so difficult, an’ I wish I could offer wise cousel as would fixya up year on year, but asya know, the celestial vapors are notoriously fickle an’ what worked in 2015 an 2016 ain’t gonna cut the costoom mustard in 2017.

That is why we gotta be super scientific an’ analyse WTF is gowin’ on.

See, cos any early parties you got prolly gonna favor the elf look.

We got Sajjo Season on a roll, backed up by Joopiter in Scorpio, alla which lends itself to the elven vibe — though mebbe you gotta thinka thigh length boots ‘steada the regular pixie look.

An’ a whip.

Ha! Cos these Saj-Scorp hybrid elves’re kinda mischievous.

Actschwlly, you dress all elven kinko for the Saj Noo Moon on the 18th, prolly you in for plenty spankin’ an’ slappin, tellya.

Later in December — when Sun, Venus an’ Saturn pitch into Capricorn — a more conservative an’ fun reindeer look gotta be the way to go.

Plenty scope for pullin’ on a sleigh fantasies there … kinda pull real hard till the bells jingle.

Gotta figure a sweet an’ sensitive Pisces packin’ a red nose an’ antlers gonna be the perfect Christmas party buddy.

Thing is, final parta December gonna suitya even ifya show butt naked packin’ no costoom at all.

Forgive Moi for statin’ the obvious, but as a Pisces I knowya can findya self lost sumtimes.

Coolest deal ever?

A hardcore Capricorn Yuletide offers max stability in a crumblin’ Cosmos — so take heart.

On reflection I gotta suggest the snowperson garb as a festive catch-all costoom solution.

Snow is essentially water, which suitsya elemental nature, an’ though any costoom gonna be fabric, prolly you can imagine the full snowflakesy vibe an’ slip into character real easy.

Jus’ gotta watch the carrot nose deal an’ be sure to have sumthin’ elasticated an’ detachable for if’n you get swept away under the mistletoe or a fellow snowperson sits onya face.

Like Emerson said jus’ before he wrote out alla that schwango ‘bout gowin’ boldly in the directiona your dreams, “without doubt, the last thing romance-seekers demand at Christmas time is a hand-knitted faux root vegetable intruding upon maw or cunnyhole.”

Meantime, stay tooned to my regular Today’s Astrology Story feature on Twitter for the latest nooz on Astro Frickin’ Unfurlin’

Back To Top

WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

Back To Top

YOUR HANDY HOROSCOPE CHECKLIST

Gotta figure ifya gonna derive maxo benefit fromya horoscope you gotta imbibe its wisdom all proper.

Simply follow my super-practical 10-step Guide, an’ horoscope readin NIRVANA gonna be thine, tellya…

horoscope checklist infographic helps everyone whatever their starsign
Back To Top

Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?