Horoscope Archive November 2017 <span class="sdata2" title="2017-12-05T06:13:46+00:00"></span>

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

divine astrologer promoting eternal radianceSlide thumbnail

Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — Nov '17

How This Works

Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

November 2017 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for fortune in november
horoscope fate future stars prediction

ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

NEED HOT TIPS FOR GETTIN’ THE MOST OUTTA YOUR HOROSCOPE?

Count Me The Hell On In, Sister!

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

Ever had a dream whereya were fallin’, totally outta control?

Tellya, that baby is no way you wanna wake up screamin’.

But worse still is the one whereya are drownin’.

Malevolent whirlpools consumeya, threatenin’ to dragya down into the depths, there to be slowly destructified by kissa salt an’ dissolved seaweed acid as undersea shibboleths mockya sorry ass.

Thing is, Scorpio Season means alla that liquidya are flailin’ in is actschwlly your lifetime’s pee come back to hauntya.

Yeah yeah, cos this is such a deep an’ darkly flooid season, ordinary seawater lacks the evil kudos for a decent Aries Snuffo Scenario, so cruel Astro Bugs gone drained the Past’s reservoir for alla your pee an’ hosepiped the fucker inta your subconsciously nebulous wanderings.

Take that extinguishin’ urine fest, O fiery one!

So, listen — we gotta getchya sum srs succor outta what is essentially a frickin’ shit month on astrological paper.

Plz plz plz, Sweetie, you gotta take extra special care on these days — 3, 9, 13, 16 — cos that is whenya gonna be most susceptible to a serious LUNGIN’ c/o alla the Scorpio Season Deep Sea Youveau Pee.

Pull on a metaphorical aqualung an’ mebbe a gore-red swimsuit in a defiant displaya spunk-pumped haplessness!

An’ remember, despite the 21st bein’ also kinda flooidly maligned, the annual Sagittarius Centaur Rompo fires shit back your kinda way from then on.

Your driftwood days’re the 5th an’ the 11th, whenya can mebbe take a break from flailin’ around inya own dream squirtystuffs an’ go do sumthin’ productively Arian like start a fuckin’ fight.

Thing is, when Scorpio says what does not kill me makes me stronger, she meant it.

Only problem you got is, she meant it ’bout Scorpio, not Aries.

So listen, shit gets aquatically sticky, you can pitch me your dilemma on Twitter. Alternatively, drill down on this real inspirin’ Fire Sign Meditation Guide for relief fromya urinary plight.

Back To Top

TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

Lotsa shadow stuffs gonna come seepin’ up from the depths this month as Scorpio tests each an’ evry onea us.

Problem for Taurus is … kinda no depths.

Tellya, when Mother Cosmosis castya ass from clay an’ donut mix, aim she had uppermost in her celestial braino was let’s make this one a real basic Zodiac person.

So where Scorpio gonna hoist mosta the other Zodiacs onto the speartips an’ razorsa excrutiatin’ challenge, you jus’ gonna continue bumblin’ along fuckin’ shit up big time cosya are an astro simpleton.

Stoopid thing is, when the Full Moon drops on the 4th, you prolly even gonna feel like it is your fuckin’ birthday.

Stop Right There, Princess! I Find Your Language Disrespectful — And In The Spirit Of The #MeToo HashTag, I Feel Compelled To Take A Stand Against Your Offensive Discrimination And Bullying, For The Benefit Of All Tauruskind!

So, what — you want the truth, you stoopid asshole?

See, cos I was tryin’ to protectya there from the FULL HORROR gonna be unleashed upon you durin’ Scorpio Season by suggestin’ you got innate superimmunity to its srsly 175% full-on RIPYA HEART OUT death barbs.

But, hey — have it your fuckin’ way as usual, why dontchya?

Head down, pullin’ on horny, charge tillya fuckin’ drop — alla the time with Scorpio sat up top, tuggin’ on Venusian chains she stole offya so she could reinya in big time an’ ride your stoopid ass like a fuckin’ donkey?

Tellya, I would lose that stubborn temper you got for mebbe the next 20 days or you gonna be made to look real lame — ‘specially in the run-up to the Scorpio Noo Moon on the 18th.

You know your enemies love it when they succeed in goadin’ you real good.

rn, your innate Basic Person Dummo is your most proactive Super Smart Life Ploy, tellya.

You get stuck with anythin’, come pitch me any problems over on Twitter. Meantime, I prepared this Bovine-specific Self-Affirmation Energy Image you can mebbe reflect on for 5 minutes each day. Imbued with Scorpio-bustin’ Earth energies, its artistically pleasin’ lines pull on time-honored astroneurological vibes, makin’ it the perfect companion for rejuvenatory Yoga, replenishin’ Vodka swillin’ — or plain ol’ stickin’ two fingers up to the evil seeksta dragya down an’ bringin’ yourself off with the other eight…

astrology for taurus basic person dummo is invincibility
Back To Top

GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

Questionya got this month is what is the difference between diagnosis, prognosis, psychosis an’ coccidioidomycosis?

Ha — my super keen Astro Sensors jus’ pricked up offa my fanj all kinda she gotta be frickin’ jokin’ red alert style.

But I am not kiddin’ here, O Ditzytitzy One.

For ‘tis Scorpio Season, an’ as the Zodiac’s pinceriest Stingthruster makes with her Do-Or-Die poison rejuvenation, resta us gotta buff up on our tastiest plus points — or meet with a soul-crushin’ demise to rival mosta the upliftin’ spirityool rennaysancestuffs guyserin’ majestically outta the fuckin’ White House rn.

For Gemini, that plus point is … tantalizingly fiendish braino puzzles.

Cos beforeya can Geministically strip to the waist at the droppa a hat or cut enemies to the quick with the smartest one-liners evah, you gotta polish up Cerebrum Central, K?

Diagnosis, Prognosis, Psychosis an’ Coccidioidomycosis — November’s Gemini Pathway To Overcomin’ Scorpio Season Oblivion

Diagnosis

Let’s start with the easy one.

Diagnosis refers to the post-Picasso art movement found its way into alla those salesy explainer vidsya see advertisin’ hemeroid cream an’ shit.

Las’ time I got my hair fixed I seen a perfect example in a magazine — sum Californian scam for an anti-agin’ nasal spray doubled up as a dick or cunny stimulator — all in the classically forensic Diagnosis style kinda typifies what is actschwlly a NOSE DIAGRAM.

Coolest November days to make with the forensic diagnoses? Gotta be the 5th an’ the 17th when Sagittarius in Mercury demands you pay attention to what’s right in frontaya — or fall flat onya  fuckin’ face.

Prognosis

Gotta figure this is the anticipation comes before suppin’ shroom tea based on sumone else’s Granma’s secret recipe.

Point is, flooid Scorpio energy gonna seep inta your Gemini Sparkly whichever way you shimmy, an’ I so wantchya to avoid bein’ dunked in no hallucinatory backwater don’t suitya verve.

Neptoon direct on the 22nd could be one such braino-wibbler — so watch out.

Psychosis

See where this is gowin’?

Thing about bein’ a dualistic Twinno person is the idiosyncratic juxtapositionalsya got firin’ off 24/7 between botha your splitcilicious selves.

It is fractured, it is fragmented — but it is mostly clearcut as sparklin’ diamond.

Scorpio liquids is sumtimes acid wantsta blur an’ erode sparkle from afar in a green-eyed blitzo-splash — an’ I wanna protectya from any such mercilessly jealous excess.

3rd an’ the 25th are both good days for standin’ your Multi-faceted Chandelier ground.

Coccidioidomycosis

Cosya are so smart, prolly you seen already what I dun with this Scorpio-bustin’ braino puzzle survival strategy.

I kinda run diagnosis, prognosis an’ psychosis all together, jus’ like how witches pooled their familiars’ vomit to cast powerful magicks back in the days before heretics made big bux outta lame pop music.

Wanna separate these teasers out further — then be my guest.

It is brain trainin’ as is gonna pullya through an’ dropya before December’s Sagittarian Centaur Rompo fulla Gemini beans.

As for coccidioidomycosis, gotta figure plenty guys packin’ the smaller wiener might wanna shell out $1200 for sum sessions in this popular neuroperineal motivation therapy.

But, listen — you get stuck with tricksy Gemini stuffs, I persist on Twitter as a sublimely lucid oracle afloat on an oceana astroslime. That don’t fuckin’ work, here’s the astro titties.

Back To Top

CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

Am I OK to mention jus’ a few general stuffs ‘bout Scorpio Season?

I knowya come lookin’ for personal guidance, mebbe even praise gonna lift life’s burdens fromya weary shoulders for mebbe coupla minutes, but I figure your scope is a cool place to drop this non-bombshell.

See, cos it is true that Scorp Season can be a difficult time for many people — thoughya gotta remember how the scorpster can also be represented by a dove, so alla that DEATH, DESTRUCTION & FINALITY wahoo is ultimately a kinda generous spirityool rebirth — an’ I wanna jus’ touch on why that is so.

We talk always ‘bout the Underworld, darkness an’ shadows, as if the deal here is how demons an’ nasties (characterized mebbe by the whole Halloween vibe) lurch an’ shamble from outta depths beyond the Abyss to spookya with their unseen horrors.

But while summa that is troo, lotta times, the scariest shit ‘bout anythin’ Scorpsy is how we can be suddenly confronted by true horror hidin’ in plain sight.

No shibboleths bust outta your frickin’ john whileya are takin’ a pee, no claws reach for your jugular from outta your bathroom mirror on an evil whim — it is more howya friend, your neighbour, your lover, your frickin’ cat … an’ YOU … can reveal ‘emselves in a strange noo light that is deeply disturbin’ & unnervin’.

No fangs on anya the fuckers … they are the jus’ the same … no axes choppin’ away at evry door inya house … jus’ evryday smiles an’ grimaces, same as always … but it is not the same, an’ kinda terrifyingly so … an’ you do not understand why.

That is more the vibe happens sumtimes in Scorpio Season, an’ prolly it freaks people out more’n if a genuine flesh & blood wraith slipped its insubstantial fingers down deep insideya panties an’ gaveya an immodestly spooky fingerin’.

So, uhm, yeah — jus’ sayin’.

Point is, as a Cancer you got real affinity with alla this Scorp energy, despite its inherently non-fluffy nature.

Gotta figureya share with the Scorpster a real clearcut sensea what matters an’ needs protectin’, do or die.

For sureya are fulla concern for how evryone in your loop manifests subtle changes … an’ howya gotta adapt to respond trooly.

So I would wanna suggest, as an astrology person packin’ maxo celestial wisdom & heart, howya might take November on board as a genuinely soulful marathon backpack journey to the edgea all emotional possibility.

For sure, Scorpio — as a dove — sendsya sweet kisses on these days…

3, 7, 9, 13, 16, 18

… an’ your best pal Taurus flips a neato Full Moon atchya on the 4th, pushin’ Neptoon Direct in Pisces on the 22nd into the Peripheral Encore slot.

Thing is, potentially unnervin’ emotional schwango is kinda wappo this month, but the prime directin’ agenta change is monstrously onya side.

Could get sticky forya enda the month when the Sun swings into Sagittarius, but asya Horsey Person Guide Incarnate, I’ll be around sumplace to offer loudmouth succor.

Pitch me on Twitter if’n shit gets hairy, an’ remember it does not gotta be Valentines for love and friendship to burst forth from alla the Zodiacs like them Dr Pimple Popper blackheads memin’ the fuck outta the internets rn.

Back To Top

LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

Tellya, lotta people still talkin’ ‘bout las’ Summer’s Leo eclipse an’ how its benevolent waves radiateth like a Leonine burlesque dancer down to her las’ feather.

O, but that was before Scorpio Season — an’ now there are scores to settle.

Thing is, Mother Cosmosis stopped by my apartment las’ week to pick up sum linguine (it is almost impossible to source that fucker out there in the celestial void btw) an’ we got talkin’ ‘bout the enmity between summa the Zodiacs — specifically the Fixed signs.

Gotta figure alla the Mutables got either open warfare or blissful ignorance as strategies, while the Cardinals battle for prestige an’ status.

Fixed signs?

They jus’ kinda persist whatevah — “do your worst, you cunt.”

Victory for Fixed signs so often hangs not on missiles or strategy but plain’ ol’ diggin’ in an’ seein’ it through.

That is a real intrestin’ predicament when it comesta grit, cos I would wanna figure on Leo — for all her heart — mebbe pulls on less raw grit than superstubborn Taurus or superintense Scorpio.

You got flourish an’ you got generosity an’ you got prime time energizin’ power — butchya jus’ lack that extra special sumthin’ makes Taurus an’ Scorpio such gritsily stubborn cuntfiends!

So, hey, like I was jus’ sayin’ — Scorpio got her hand on the wheela change now, an’ she ain’t forgot howya paraded around the place like a fuckin’ troubadour, makin’ lighta heavy dooty hooman emotionstuffs like sum heretic minstrel.

Jus’ do not expect an easy ride this month, K?

Nowan don’t wanna play no more, an’ evryone gonna gang up onya ass — startin’ mebbe on the 4th with a Taurus Full Moon prolly fixes evryone else but leaves poor ol’ Leo short-changed cos Scorpio put word out.

Point is, you cannot ride this month on gloss, which is gonna testya grit sum.

So go dig a fuckin’ massive hole in preparation for the 13th, when Venus kisses up to Joopiter in Scorpio an’ transformsya every horizon into immutable uberMleh.

Nuthin’ is worse for Leo than hidin’ away in a hole, ‘specially the deal how sumone might seeya whenya finally emerge … but like all things Scorpio, the pain got gain ifya are prepared to endure it, an’ I would wanna suggest that you gonna look back on this phase as a broadly strengthenin’ epoch built upya superpowers.

For now, prolly gonna be days whenya feel like shit … but Sajjo got treats comin’ forya (includin’ a delisho party on the 25th), so tough it out with dignity, nobility an’ modest purrin’ till the Noo Scorpio Moon on the 18th, an’ you will not be disappointed.

Spiritually ravaged to the marrow, yeah — but not disappointed.

Thing is, I am always around on Twitter to make with any motivational goofy you wanna, an’ my Leo-boostin’ proclamations are up for grabs right here … an’ kinda here also.

Back To Top

VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd 

Worst fuckin’ thing ever?

You spend like AN AGE fixin’ sumthin’ complex up jus’ so.

All bases are covered, all facts are meticulously researched, all processes humding sweetly from A to Z as they should, an’ it is a deliciously complex gift to the world, dished up with Virgo-powered practical simplicity.

Problemya got with Scorpio Season is how despite alla your cerebral fine toonin’ an’ diligence, sumthin’ real important changed whileya were toilin’ dawn till dusk — an’ it is so fundamental, you gotta start again from scratch.

As a Mutable sign, you are a genius manipulatora life’s constants — alchemical firepower reimagined as Time demands ever finer solutions.

But Scorpio figures on deeper truths, an’ evrythin’, evrythin’, evrythin’ is up for grabs.

Weird an’ kinda stoopid, I know, but for a Fixed sign so drilled down on passion, Scorpio is prolly the least inclined to stick with tried an’ trusted favorites when Time says scythe gotta slice.

So I would expect unpalatable disruption this month.

I been talkin’ elswehere in my November scopes ‘bout how the Scorpio Monster deal ain’t necessarily demons crawlin’ up betweenya legs at deada night but more ‘bout the inevitabilitya death an’ change in the facea passion an’ trust.

As a superperson maxin’ out on enhanced primness, that is a major problem.

When shitya can trust ain’t exactly where it needsta be forya to make with the inventorial Virgo miracle … then whatchya gonna do?

I guess that is why Virgo packs such kindness.

Your fellow Mutables, Gemini & Sagittarius, don’t quite get this deal.

When life pitches ‘em a bummer, they pull out the claws an’ cruelty, whereas you jus’ kinda pull through … an’ help evryone else along.

Yours is onea the weirdsiest quirks in alla the Zodiacs, an’ prolly you gotta figure deep down it is cosya are Earth when so much feels an’ plays like Air.

O, but anyways, I digress here; this is supposed to be a fuckin’ monthly horoscope, not sum speculative thesis ‘bout archetypal forces in flux FFS.

So, yeah, for November I would figure on nuthin’ quite feelin’ like it should — evil Halloween specters manifested as unrelentin’ irritation!

Wanna play genius while the Cosmos falls apart?

K, so I am gonna suggest the 11th as bein’ a day so whapped out on anti-Virgo irritations (bcs Saturn in Sajjo trine Uranus retro in Aries), you might jus’ wanna toss your whole frickin’ system away an’ wing it on innate Pernickety on-the-fly.

You get a result, come share with Moi on Twitter. Like I said sumplace else, I don’t offer personal scopes or readings, but I figure a fickle & momentary chat is far preferable to a scenario whereby any irritated Virgos go seek solace in a lame & impersonal astro app for phone or tab.

Back To Top

LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

Can we talk narrative for a sec here?

Cos I know howya love a good story — not jus’ the readin’ an’ writin’ part, but the whole narrative arc shebang powers up myth an’ ad alike with its almost inevitable hierarchical structure.

Truth be told, that is all any horoscope represents.

“Here be November’s potential story … the next steps taken by our intrepid heroine as she battles for her values and passions — using her uniquely propulsive talents — against a world spontaneously regurgitating dire new predicament after dire new predicament as threatens to inflict PERMANENT CALAMITY upon her.”

Prolly evryone gotta read that book, an’ I wanna speculate for a second how summa the best reads are summa the most uncomfortable parts — like when the heroine discovers her lover is a fuckin’ space ostrich, or the Benevolent Grandmother character turns out to be a spiny horror from the Abyss squirtin’ babies’ blood from outta its eyeballs.

So, anyways, welcome to November.

Trooly, it is a time packed fulla those moments … when the bestest adventure reads become the script you don’t wanna write cos evrythin’ done gone too fuckin’ scary onya.

Nemesis prowls afoot, Friendships’ rejuvenatin’ liaisons’re no longer certain … an’ fuckin’ Granma really has been eatin’ babies!

But listen, O lyricist sublime.

Evry ballad or story hinges on such crisis moments … before booby dooin’ inevitably toward sum resolootional finale.

So as Scorpio Season swells beyond all magnitude from shadow to shape-shiftin’ shibboleth crushes breath fromya chest at deada night … there is narrative purpose … hierarchical evolution … an’ change for the better.

Like alla the best Death Metal toons, these comin’ days got sum kinda structural form pulsin’ out on narrative.

Jus’ gotta rememeber sum thingsya cherish gonna end (an’ I was gonna add “like you gotta set down Harry Potter at the enda The Deathly Hallows, for his story is now told” but Rowling can’t fuckin’ stop herself…), an’ this truth makes for such sweet an’ sad songs, always.

Thing is, ifya are weepin’ away anytime this November likeya done the Evil Grandmother Baby Blood deal withya own blood, I am always here forya — packin’ super wise astro counsel — on Twitter (less’n I am cunted in a bar sumplace, in which case mebbe go check in on sum Buddhist literature or crank upya sound system with double speed Death Metal). As an alternative, my ultra informative Astro Quiz might offer a neato remedy for Scorpio Season’s Part In The Story Where Evryone Dies narrative trope.

Back To Top

SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

Thing I love ‘bout you Scorpio Zodiacs?

Fiercely defensive regardin’ your strong silent type credentials though ye be, yallz been squealin’ like hormone-pumped puppy dogs over on Twitter ‘bout BEIN’ SCORPIO *squee* *squee* *squee*.

Who in hell d’ya thinkya are?

Honorary fuckin’ Leos?

Aw, but hey, c’mon — go enjoy yourselves.

Gotta figure this November is especially cool Scorpio shit.

Pullin’ the Sun in onya sign is always a major boost, but so mucha the character pulsin’ outta any era depends so much on who the Flamin’ Orbo got swingin’ out alongside it in power-up sympathy.

Mars is neat, an’ Mercury is quirky — but FFS VENUS an’ JOOPITER???

For once, gotta figure resta the Zodiacs gonna outjealousya.

Which is mebbe where we come to the crunch point.

See, cos Scorpio Season gonna be real tricky for sum people to negotiate — an’ you know way down inya heart how ferociously difficult alla these deepo energies are to ride sumtimes — an’ while momentary Snoopy Dances rockin’ out fulla self-congratulatory sting gonna happen … mebbe 8 or 9 times each fuckin’ day … now is also a great time to reassure evryone you ain’t no 24/7 psycho slasher.

Shit is important, shit needs seriously fixin’ — an’ alla that benevolent remedy demands cherished stuffs gotta die.

Plentya other Zodiacs jus’ don’t figure this.

O, but see — this is my favoritest ever thing, an’ I gotta have it close to my heart always, because truly it is what makes me … Me.

But summa this shit is destroyin’ ‘em.

They can’t see it, but you fuckin’ can — an’ it is wearyin’ an’ it is despairin’ an’ it is mebbe even cruel how Fate singled your ass out to preside over this grim spectacle, but thereya go.

Thing is, summa that dark insight is reachin’ evryone in Scorpio Season, an’ whether they like it or not, the deep dark fuckin’ truth is the deep dark fuckin’ truth.

Prolly people gonna appreciate your honesty rn — along with alla the hard & passionate fixin’.

(Forgive Moi my cheeky grin at this point, but I trooly did not intend that last line to appear lewd. Thing is, while I am on the subjecta Scorpio sex drive stereotypes, I cannot let this horoscope pass without offerin’ my heartfelt condolences to your poor, beleaguered fuckin’ underwear. Who needs the frickin’ Koreans testin’ underground nukes to generate hooman-powered seismic shocks when global Scorpiokind gonna rock the planet offa its axis with alla their salaciously raunchy & “fired up by Venus an’ Joopiter” fucklust?)

So, yeah gotta figure Scorpio’s stinga death ain’t jus’ ‘bout killin’ stuff cosya are evil.

All life is cyclic — from IRL flesh an’ blood to virtual or imaginary schemes an’ ideals — an’ before any bright noo hopes can fire up for evryone’s benefit, stuff gotta die.

You feel sumtimes like it mighta been easier to stride out on the openly optimistic enda the Zodiacs? Like Leo’s job or Gemini’s mission is sumhow cushier?

They got all the fun, but I got lumbered with the socially difficult death number?

Thing is, this focus/curse/blessin’ makesya the ultimate kickstarter.

An’ don’t ever forget Scorpio pulls on soarin’ eagles an’ gentle doves alongside the sting-packin’ insect killin’ machine vibe.

Death is mebbe an end to poison addiction — an’ that is what this Scorpio Season teaches.

People gotta flounder before they flourish, I guess … so go show ‘em how resolute finality offers killer rebirth options gonna wow socks off.

Meantime, feel free to pitch me your favo Scorpio Season moments over on Twitter. I am a real accommodatin’ sourpuss, an’ if’n I ain’t been hittin’ the Vodka, you are guaranteed a straight answer gonna fuckya off an’ makeya wishya never bothered. Also check out this piece I wrote ’bout Death. Jus’ for fun…

Back To Top

SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

Tellya, I so love how the Sajjo Centaur Rompfest follows Scorpio Season.

Deepdown an’ dark gives way to outbright an’ free — an’ prolly this constitoots onea the weirdsyiest astrological switcheroos this sidea Pisces dissolvin’ into fireball Aries.

tbh, I got no idea how we Sajjos figure this baby … but we do.

An’ in our own sweet, immodest way, we kinda cherish these challengin’ Scorpio times — whatever terminatin’ obstacles they cast as shrapnel into our foreverly horizoned eyeballs — kinda like whenya gotta waitya turn to speak up at sum protocol-stifled meetin’.

Nah, waitaminute … that ain’t the analogy I seek.

*ahem*

These challengin’ Scorpio times’re like bein’ at your bestie’s weddin’ an’ cosya are so superbestilicious, you been honored with a seat on the fam sidea the choich next to MOM & DAD an’ DEVOTED GRANDPARENTS FULLA SOBSY BLUBBO — only the thousand dollar outfit you purchased all special for the occasion is WAY TOO TIGHT an’ the rejuvenatin’ kale, avocado an’ champagne breakfast you ate in the super swanky pre-weddin’ hotel is galumphin’ roundya innards likeya swallowed sum martial arts enthoosiast kickin’ an’ punchin’ to raise cash for the world’s oppressed Buddhists, an’ nowya gotta STAND UP to SING PRAISE MY FUCKIN’ SOUL THE KINGA HEAVEN an’ then sit down again while alla that kale an’ avocado an’ champagne swishoswamp punches onya way-too-tight apparel … between forced smiles at MOM & DAD when the holy guy pitches the this bitch been an unfaithful whore? question … tearful nods toward DEVOTED GRANDPARENTS FULLA SOBSY BLUBBO durin’ the part where the best man gotta produce the ring but don’t cos he left it in his stoopid fuckin’ car … meanin’ more body contortin’ gastro-enterinal agony beforeya finally get outside to feign intrest in evrywan from your bestie’s great aunt to sum gal from her job keeps yadda yadda yadda to a whole buncha friendsa friends got nuthin’ else better to do … an’ then you gotta smile sweet for alla the photographs, your legs all knotted stiffo to stem the disgustin’ champagne an’ avocado tide wantsta bust outta your fancy outfit, while the dumbass photo guy says see, let’s have one over on the steps with Mom & Dad … or next to alla the flowers with Devoted Grandparents Fulla Sobsy Blubbo … or draped over the OTT horse an’ carriage alongside summa the gals from your Bestie’s lame hobby society an’ a random guy walkin’ his stoopid dog … till finally

(An’ this is where the Scorpio Season to Sajjo Centaur Rompfest Switcheroo Magic happens…)

…you crawl off behind sum gravestone like an animal wounded beyond all cruel torture, anya tear offya way-too-tight outfit, kick offya lousy horseshoe motif  panties, an’ throwya legs in the air likeya gonna be cunnied real sweet before lettin’ rip a powerfart so humongo it blasts across the Solar System all the way to fuckin’ Plooto.

So … gotta exercise restraint for big time release later in the month, O fellow Sagittarians.

Meantime, you wanna hang out with Moi on Twitter if’n Scorpio Season don’t suit, then be my guest. That fails (either cos I got drunk or died, orya plain don’t like my fuckin’ ass) then Sagittarian Firepower be forever thine to grasp an’ shoot, u wanna.

Back To Top

CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

As DEATH an’ HORROR an’ EVIL scratch with soul-seekin’ talons from evry wakin’ or sleepin’ moment, it is allya can do to sigh, “FFS, it is just a mask.”

An’ tbh, mosta what scares the frickin’ entrails outta evryone at Scorpio time is, for you, kinda like watchin’ TV.

Plus also — who said it was “Scorpio Season” anyways?

Does Fate not know howya got your own PERSONAL CAPRICORNIAN SCHEDULE?

Actschlly, Fate — how dareya superimpose sum unwanted agenda ‘pon my meticulously calibrated plans for the fyooture? Kinda thing.

Deal with Capricorn is how nuthin’ nuthin’ nuthin’ gonna stand inya way.

You got stuff to make, products to ship out, people to cherish an’ protect.

Also: plenty subservient underlings.

So, what — this fuckin’ lame “Scorpio Season” gonna mess shit up on a shadowy obliteration ticket?

Blight dreams, kill opportoonities, burn lifetime accomplishments to ash?

Nowan’ takes nuthin’ offa Capricorn in exchange for nuthin’ … an’ for sure you gonna bargain real mean.

Ringfence those dreams beyond evryone else’s control … surround all opportoonities with armor, traps, mebbe even magic protection; hoard evrythin’ preciousya earned or built in a superbunker so deep underground not even alien nukes gonna crack the fucker.

To hell with anythin’ comes knockin’ forya, sayin’ “Scorpio Season’s bargain is inevitable, O Capricorn!”

Lock the door! Bar the gate! Ride this out with evry Long Game superpower Saturn brings to the table!

Thing is, Scorpio Season still gonna show & demand her pounda flesh.

‘Tis hers — an’ she will have it.

Meantime, my Twitter hangout persists in the darkness, so ifya wanna share screams or cat pictures anytime, jus’ head on over. Alternative is mebbe you check out this piece I wrote out a while back ‘bout essential astro resolution an’ motivation. It has mebbe more laughs than your November scope, an’ even ifya are the kinda Capricorn never laughs at anythin’ (what is known in astrological circles as a “typical” Capricorn), gotta tellya not laughin’ at sumthin’ got potentially more laughs in it than a horoscope got none at all is total frickin’ wastea your personal misery resources.

Back To Top

AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

Thing I love best ‘bout dolphins?

‘Part from their sublime flippin’ an’ how they are mammals same as hoomans kinda shit?

Gotta figure they are superclued up in the braino space compared to resta the wildlife hangin’ out in the ocean.

But, see — here’s the thing.

Last relaxo action plan I wanna pull when I am reclinin’ all spirityool Yoga bendy is to be swept away by no fuckin’ dolphin music.

I had a CD back in the day, fulla dolphins, whales, terrapins an’ a coupla bonus sheeps, an’ I would deploy its aquatic acoustics as a kinda non-verbal mantra to accompany my exotic contortions.

Summa the gals in my Yoga groop still swear by dolphins over ambient or birdsong, but I got sicka the fuckers.

Seems all sweet an’ random at first, but onceya have memorized alla the weeep weeeep an’ waaaaaooooowwwwoooowoooo, what passes for spirityool whenya first power upya headphones soon becomes an unignorable prompt to throw open the apartment door, run down to the foyer, an’ stab sumone ugly in the face with a fish knife.

Anyways, Aquarius, point is, I know howya treasure your iconoclastic Me Time, an’ ifya are like Moi, mebbe you flop out on the mat on occasion also.

You may even enjoy communin’ withya fellow supersmart water-lovin’ mammals c/o a dinky iToons download.

Thing is, that cherished Me Time pulses out on hypertooned Uranian nerves can be jangled around real easy, an’ I would wanna suggest you get too mucha that through November, prolly it aintcha own fault.

Lotsa Scorpio Season energy is whooshyin’ around rn, an’ it is not sumthin’ for whichya have any kinda special affinity.

Gotta figure its purpose is recalibratin’ inner depths an’ puttin’ dead wood to the sword, an’ cos alla that touches on intensity an’ emotional passion, the detatcho factor powerin’ upya Aquarian Me Time (dolphins or no) jus’ ain’t gonna come as natural as normal.

It is mebbe OK to feel a little edgy … an’ not to care too much ‘bout there seemin’ no particular reason.

Gotta figure fuckin’ dolphins prolly got this alla the time, I dunno.

FFS, if’n only we had arms and fingers, we could post such cool shit to FaceBook kinda thing.

Thing is, Aquarius + Edgy can be a potent combination, if mebbe an uncomfy one.

So go use that energy to break sum noo terrain.

Coupla days stand out as real humdingers for that kinda rebellion — mainly cos antsy ol’ Uranus is fixin’ the whole Scorpio Season shebang in his gaze an’ standin’ his ground like the ultimate objectionable SOB.

So the 4th is a winner for lettin’ that antsy volatilica loose where it can do sum provocational damage.

Scorpio Season demands change — so go knock ‘em dead with the real warpsycerebo deal.

Follow through a week later with sumthin’ to show for alla that offbeat verve — when Uranus an’ Saturn smoochie up on the 11th — an’ when alla the edgy fades toward November’s end, you gonna be left firin’ brighter lighnin’ bolts from outta your titties.

Meantime, you feelin’ flaky, mebbe come hang out with Moi on Twitter cos I am prolly gonna feel a little vulnerbl also. For a foolproof Aquarian Me Time boost, may I suggest this astro-packed treatise on srsly pissin’ off lame imaginary friends.

Back To Top

PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

Wanna know a secret?

I so love how Pisces comes last in the Zodiacs, like a real happy endin’ to a real neat story.

An’ in Scorpio Season, speculatin’ ‘boutya fyooture got an extra special glowa sweetie ‘bout it.

So I jus’ took a pause from writin’ out alla my scopes an’ brewed myself sum green lemon tea.

I also got a cake, an’ I slipped on my favo night out knickoes.

An’ you wanna know sumthin’?

I am deleriously happy — like a bushbaby discoverin’ via sum weird empathic mirror how screamingly cute she is perceived to be by hoomans.

So, yeah, Scorpio Season

It is deep, it is dark — but is it scary?

Gotta figure summa the less dreamsily flooid Zodiacs think so.

That is why they all gowin’ srsly loopzoid.

But what is to fear other than fear itself?

Prolly that is a hard trick to pull when evrythin’ feels like the Cosmos itself jus’ took your hand real gentle an’ floated off into the depths along withya.

Most times, you are out there, all alone — mebbe even lost sumtimes.

But Scorpio won’t ever letchya down an’ it is her soothin’ water you feel onya skin asya glide out into November’s vast oceana unfoldin’ time.

Prolly I would joinya, but I got no clue what I dun with my bikini.

Anyways, point is how Scorpio gonna rewardya lovin’ heart with sum real sweet times — generously assisted by a Taurus Full Moon on the 4th an’ plenty pulsatin’ power-ups from Neptoon as he swooshies his flippers all Piscean on a pan-November ticket.

Venus drops in Scorpio on the 7th, an’ ifya can, you gotta bunk college orya job an’ go float out sumplace self-indulgently delish.

Best day for srs blendyjuicy action gotta be the 13th when unadulterated horniness gonna feel more like art.

Wanna pitch me any dreams on Twitter, I promise dootifully to misinterpret ‘em all illoominatin’. Meantime, prolly it is worth reflectin’ on how the next watery Zodiacs epoch gonna drop inya own sign early in 2018. Here’s what I wrote out ‘bout this year’s Pisces Flippo. That accurate? Or jus’ a buncha crap?

Back To Top

WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

Back To Top

YOUR HANDY HOROSCOPE CHECKLIST

Gotta figure ifya gonna derive maxo benefit fromya horoscope you gotta imbibe its wisdom all proper.

Simply follow my super-practical 10-step Guide, an’ horoscope readin NIRVANA gonna be thine, tellya…

horoscope checklist infographic helps everyone whatever their starsign
Back To Top

Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?

Gowan — Squirt This Baby Around Like Fizzin' Champagne