Horoscope Archive May 2017 2017-07-01T11:18:55+00:00

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

divine astrologer promoting eternal radianceSlide thumbnail

Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — May '17

How This Works

Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

May 2017 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for fortune in may
horoscope fate future stars prediction

ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

Aries walks into a bar. Soft music oozes from a piano in the corner like sweat from a playful bison an’ evrythin’ about the air in this place says Ludicrous Affectation.

You eye up the bar guy — kinda slack-hipped, stoopid shorts.

“Can we lose the piano and get like some tigers in here? One for each bar stool, and maybe a real ferocious one I can ride or combat?”

Thing is, this is possible — an’ you know it. Better still, it is ultra desirable — the commodity makes all possibilities possible. It mebbe ain’t romance evry time but FFS it is lusty.

Not THAT frickin’ crap! I want THIS! THIS! THIS!

Canya feel the PASSION, Aries?

K, so that’s what’s gowin’ on insideya right now — real powered up an’ energizin’ feelings pumpin’ your arteries outta your flesh till they stand on end like sum pan-body Mohawk. You got rebellion, verve, an’ sheer fuckin’ guts gowin’ down, tellya. An’ why so? Cos you got a potent Mercury/Venus combo ridin’ high inya sign on the backa a big time Gemini pro-YOU Martian shoutout!

But the guy in the shorts gonna fightya. See, cos Joopiter is still whizzin’ around in Libra in loopy doops retro, an’ he is teasin’ the relationships nightmare fuck outta one an’ all. Best tricks’re all reserved for Aries — so you an’ your seriously incendiary schemes gonna be seriously opposed.

“Tigers?” says the guy, hips firmin’ up sum, along with his face. “Get the fuck outta here before I call the cops.”

See, the only way your tigers gonna happen now is ifya fight the guy. Mebbe pin him to the wall an’ holler, “I asked for fucking tigers and I will get fucking tigers, OK?” — but I figure that gonna sour the flavor inya cocktail (not to mention bagya sum real frickin’ miserable-lookin’ B List tiggers gonna jus’ slope about the place lickin’ one another’s assholes.)

So let’s rewind the narrative an’ get shit right first time.

There is unbridled verve from within; there is stifling opposition from without.

So head straight over to the piano guy an’ kick him out the door. Then whip the bar guy’s shorts down an’ squeeze his balls till his eyeballs look like they wanna follow the piano player out into the street.

Thenya yell, “I demand tigers! Immediately! One for each bar stool — and a real ferocious one for me to ride or combat while you pour me the best drink in the house.”

FFS, this ain’t no horoscope — this is a master plan!

Back To Top

TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

All the wisest sages agree that evry dog has its day — but I say these sages’re jus’ chumps cos it is plain to Moi how you are a bull, not a frickin’ pooch. I mean c’mon — you ever seen a poodle with horns growin’ outta its fluffsy tuftsy skull? An’ what about alla those FEROCIOUS DACHSHUNDS, lowerin’ their heads an’ chargin’ you down in a blind rage?*

* I would never wanna be charged down by no Dachshund cos I figure it would be such an anticlimax. Summa those guys are so long they are already behindya whenya meet ‘em. That is why it pays never to kiss a Dachshund.

Thing is, the celestial vapors’re fulla monster conflict an’ tension right now, but while sum people gonna bum out, Taureans gotta real steady hand on shit. When the chips’re down, who else you gonna call? When the ceilin’ falls in, who else gonna be EVEN HERE? Tellya, from romance to health to career to moolah, you got the Cosmos swingin’ power punches behindya gonna fix up sum big decisions. You know what they are. They been comin’ for sum time now, slow an’ hard an’ relentless like … uhm … like a Taurus in the sack. Buildin’ up, buildin’ up, buildin’ up, ready to explode. Like most Taurus stuff, I figure nonea this is especially complex. What matters so much for you is how it is done right — an’ at the right time.

An’ that time is NOW!

Be the rock that is rollin’, the power that is soulin’, the whole lotta super productive overload that is bowlin’. Sun is withya mosta the month, an’ you got Mercury pickin’ up speed forya halfway through. 9th, 10th & 11th are real potent days for settin’ the deal on mutual commitments — love, career, enterprise, or jus’ karaoke numbersya perform forya hamster ifya are single, destitoot an’ kinda fuckin’ useless.

Go milk the Cosmos! Tug on sweet milk till it splashes all overya boobies!

Back To Top

GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

Even identical twins got singular desires. Gotta hope that don’t mean plottin’ to kill one another, but sumtimes it does. As archwizarda competin’ thoughts, emotions an’ ideas, you prolly knew this beforeya could walk. This conflict isya genius — andya pain — an’ you are forever both exalted an’ shackled by it.

But before I makeya super unique an’ zesty life read too weird, let’s analyze the central astrological fracture gonna mebbe shatterya into a thousand pieces. Thing is, Mars is fillin’ you fulla sooper swoopy energy an’, trooly, you got fuel there gonna fire up so many Gemininularly acrobatic schemes. Yanno — the ones.

How that deliciously wicked flickera pure azureya callya tongue gonna love wrappin’ herself round alla this shit to max effect in the make evryone cream their frickin’ pants as they swoon beforeya sublime witticisms kinda way! Uhm… only not this time.

Mercury in Aries pumps up the cuttin’ sideya wit, an’ while you still gonna make with the clever, it won’t always be so smart. When Spidey said, “with great power comes great responsibility,” he left out the last part, namely, “so quit bein’ such a badass cunt.”

ARE YOU HEARIN’ MOI, O CRUEL AN’ VICIOUS ONE?

I am talkin’ karma here, cos although you got a reputation for bein’ flighty an’ superficial, any brickbats make a direct hit onya gonna sting for weeeeeeeeeks. On paper, this Mars/Mercury deal don’t look like no fracture, but you gonna feel it. Sun is in Taurus, an’ mood right now is not for potentially ferocious sparkle blasted kinda ditzo…

…till mid-month, when the Sun switches to Gemini an’ Taurus slows Mercury down for closer inspection. Aw, c’mon — you are naturally curious, aintchya? Go take a look, go brave a feel Prolly what is crackin’ off starta the month inya braino got real merit, but makin’ it real an’ effective gonna take uncharacteristic restraint or you gonna blitz evryone’s hearts out. Thing about bitin’ your lip is how blood is still blood, an’ I figure second halfa May is when alla that stoopid shit you shoulda never said can really make a difference — but only long as you never fuckin’ said it in the first place.

Pull that trick with two conflictin’ referees presidin’ over the rules, an’ I will personally handya your frickin’ Super Person trophy, tellya.

Back To Top

CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

Dear 2017,

I am returning the free underwear you sent me at the start of the year. I am always grateful for free offers, but you must understand that I would want for such things to be of true benefit, both materially and on a spiritual level. My preference is for comfort and stability, and while I appreciate color and texture deeply, I am drawn to subtle and understated hues rather than quasi-luminous offerings bearing the words FUCK MONSTER.

I appreciate you have an entire Zodiac to serve, and trust that other signs are nothing less than delighted with the garments they have received, but practical honestly moves me to inform you that I found your underwear both uncomfortable, distasteful, and almost impossible to wash.

Wishing you every success for the future.

Yours Sincerely,

CANCER

Dear Cancer,

Sorry to hear you hated the underwear. Your honesty is appreciated. That’s why I trust you’ll understand why it had to be this way. Even freebie celestial undergarment manufacturers cannot mess with the eternal laws governing space and time, and if truth be told, the opening months of our offer to Cancerians were always going too smack all too uncomfortably of PINEAPPLE UP THE POOPER.*

I hope that things will settle down for you now. In all honesty, I more than hope — I actually know it. Taurean warmth and stability has strolled into town and begun soothing the volatile undercurrents like a Mom cuddling her upset babe to blissful sleep. Might I recommend that if you have any Taureans in your loop of family and friends, you use this more positive time to cherish them especially? This will entail ironing musical lederhosen, but unlike Pisces, you are a dutiful and loving servant rather than a grudgeful martyr, so this might work out very well for all parties concerned.

Please be sure to make the most of the Full Moon in Scorpio on the 10th/11th. Your heart will be especially pure and productive around this time and what you nurture will sow the seeds for future bounties.

I had planned to introduce a new line of disposable paper bras for 2018 — traditional support with a quirkily Origami feel — but I have removed your name from my mailing list. If you would like to resubscribe to future offers, please holler!

Wishing you the best,

in love, in life, in harmony,

2017

* You were right about other signs being delighted with their freebies btw. 89% of Sagittarians I polled said they loved their spiky yellow ananas thongs.

Back To Top

LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

Thing most people forget about Leo is that you are a FIXED sign. They also forget other key stuff — like neglectin’ to punchya in the chops whenya are bein’ a showy frickin’ nightmare, but I figure restraint can be a virtue in the right hands. Helpsya maintain that beamin’ smile I guess (at either enda your torso). Anyways, my point is that in many ways you got both Cardinal an’ Mutable qualities also. Leadership an’ creativity come bundled as ribbons inya mane alongside bein’ an ardent stick-in-the mud, an’ this kinda marksya out as a real special Fire sign also. Where Aries an’ Sajjo roar out on a violent kinda flux, you pull on the steady an’ true. An’ that is why May is gonna suitya, mebbe even makeya purr yourself all juicy.

(I got some Fire meditation stuffs you might wanna imbibe reflectively HERE, jus’ so’s you know.)

First boostya got is Sun in Taurus. Yeah, I know, sitya down in an empty room with a Taurus, an’ unless there is plenty pizza, you both gonna be starin’ at the wall within seconds, brainos conceivin’ scenarios involvin’ death by tall buildin’ an HURL. But Taurean energy is fixed an’ stabilizin’ jus’ likeya own, so mebbe now you can catch holda cool ideas an’ shit been swillin’ around awhile — an’ go be super productive with ‘em.

I figure home comforts an’ fam environment is where this kinda focus lies. I dunno, sumthin’ needs fixin’ up better but mebbe you been holdin’ back all kinda sentimental fixo, cos I knowya can pull that one without blinkin’, you big fuckin’ softie. Thing is Uranus an’ Saturn got a real beneficial Kiss-up & Smoochie sesh gowin on May 19th. It’s a total fire meet-up with incendiary potential — unlessya can handle fire, unlessya are sum ways stable an’ centered, an’ unlessya are a squanderin’ asshole. Listen, this is a key 2017 moment for Leo — an opportunity for makin’ substantive change on the home front without bustin’ stuff. So even ifya jus’ go buy a lame cactus, do SOMETHIN’, K?

Actschly — Even Better Idea

** Let’s make the cactus deal a minimal requirement for all Leos in May. **

Gonna have a quiet word wih Mother Cosmosis, see if she will agree to strike down any Leo don’t purchase no frickin’ cactus this month. I am dependin’ on you guys to empty storesa their Prickly an’ Bulbous as parta your stabilizin home & fam shake-up.

Flipside — what color lightnin’ bolts should I request in the event you duck out an’ make with the frickin’ lame?

Back To Top

VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd

Wanna be a pirate? Stripped to the waist, oozin’ sex appeal, packin’ flesh an’ blades gonna warp a movie theater screen?

Ha! Better go getchya frickin’ pirate booties on an’ shop for a suitably cranky parrot on Ebay. This is buccaneer time, no messin’! An’ cos it is Virgo buccaneer time, we gotta be clear ‘bout the adventure gonna unfold.

* SQUAWK! UNFOLD! *

Blessya heart, there be bounties buried deep in May’s treasure chest, so stand to it, sailor, and may good fortune attend you!

* STRIPPED TO THE WAIST! SQUAWK! *

Thing is, your rulin’ planet Mercury is on a real earthy roll alongside super-calmin’ Taurus, which kinda means bravin’ the oceans is no life-threatenin’ battle with tsunami an’ whirlpool gone crazy. Instead, you got an inflatable paddlin’ pool a full six inches deep with calm water — an’ a wickle ducky goes quaaack quaaack quaaack whenya kiss her sweet on her beak.

* TSUNAMI AN’ WHIRLPOOL! SQUAWK! QUAAACK! *

I figure at this point you are mebbe makin’ with that real sharp Virgo scowl you got — yanno, the one says quit shittin’ me, I may be a petulant pain-in-the ass 24/7, but I am not a child!!! — but this is not Piratin’ Lite, this is Piratin’ Clinical. Deal may be kinda Level One Trainer Pants Easy — but the treasure is not.

* GO BUY A LAME CACTUS! *

See — parrot is way aheadaya on this one. She jus’ listened in on Leo’s scope an’ returned to shore with the bounty. An’ that is what you gotta do this month — bareya navel all delish an’ go pick up gems an’ doubloons burstin’ out all over. Set sail now, cos the first two weeks are where the treasure is at — ripe for the pickin’ for all whose eyes got sharpnessa sight gonna catch the glimmer.

* BIRDS SCREAM AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS IN HORRIFIED HELLISH RAGE EVERY MORNING AT DAYBREAK TO WARN US ALL OF THE TRUTH, BUT SADLY WE DON’T SPEAL BIRD! *

But mebbe lose the parrot, K? She is quotin’ Kurt frickin’ Cobain FFS…

Back To Top

LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

I sumtimes wonder what would happen, dear Libra, if sumone got their hand so far upya asshole they could grab holdaya head an’ pullya inside out. This is not a regular acta speculation btw — gal gotta eat lunch an’ shit without onea grossout’s more lurid mindworms masturbatin’ the gag reflex to an inappropriatly splashy climax — but I am minded so to do cozza your whole Libran balance an equality deal.

My philosophical conundrum is this: Wouldya be the same on the inside asya are on the outside?

As a concept, this has a weirdly beautiful Venusian allure. We pullya inside out — an’ you are still the same! Gotta say straight out I am not gonna send nowan round to your place so we can find out for sure — unlessya are the fucker stole my book in the coffee shop las’ month, a revenge I would exact even if said person rocked out on sum other Zodiacal inflooence — so breathe easy.

Thing is, we don’t need such Skull Through Pooper scryin’ to find out cos May is real kinda self-investigatorial for Librans. Mother Cosmosis gonna giveya carte blanche to go play with yourselves. See, cos I figure 2017 been packin’ too much disruption don’t suitya inner minstrel — an’ that is mebbe why your customary nightingale chirpin’ been soundin’ like sum a cappella vulture quartet. You want balance in all things, right? So now it is time to fix up your inner life an’ your outer life so evrythin’ swings together.

Key here is what is gowin’ on with Taurus. You guys share a rulin’ planet — Venus — which is kinda like sharin’ a bedroom with an older brother or sister pisses you off. Mebbe things gonna be different when the Cosmos reboots after the Zombie Apocalypse an’ Nu Librans bag an abundantly delish planeta their own, but for now, you gotta share beneficient celestial energies with onea the most acquisitive an’ graspy fuckers in the Zodiac. That is prolly why you are such an effortless charmer. Wanna slicea Venus, you gotta ask Taurus real nice. When she hands Venus over, it is not all mangled like no Aries Mars or unkempt like no Aquarian Uranus. Venus is perfect. Venus is beauty. Venus is love. An’ you got a look-in on alla that this month — first half is peerin’ deep insideya heart, second half is synchin’ alla that withya ebullient charisma.

That clear?

 

Back To Top

SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

Gonna level withya, Scorpio.

Starta the year I predicted May gonna be a real difficult time. Conflict. Upheaval. Jim Morrison unveiled by Google as a cyborg gonna teach the world to sing. Kinda thing. An’ the way we got sabers bein’ rattled around the globe I figure a whole buncha real bad stuff could fire up an’ stomp out at any moment.

But I am tryin’ to be positive with my scopes this month — stayin’ smilin’ an’ jollyin’ evryone along while mankind blitzes itself into the Abyss. It is very un-Sajjoa Moi, but my own scope is bustin’ out with revolutionary uncustomaries so I am keepin’ my mouth shut more’n normal.

Apart from here, now.

Thing about bein’ a grown-up is howya get dished alla the bad stuff. World gonna end, who better to go discuss shit with than a Scorpio? FFS, you guys start mosta the death shit anyways. So I figure May gonna pull on your resourcefulness more’n most. Dear sweet Jesus, what a buncha losers.

Way I see it, you got no single narrative arc for makin’ advances this month. More likely, you gonna swell an’ grow out all over. So go fetch a notebook an’ sumthin’ dinky to write with. I will still be here like a faithful puppy never gonna leaveya side.

K, so write out the 10 most important things onya mind right now. Love, career, money, shampoo — whateverya got. Gotta figure most times onea these would assoom prominence, allowingya opportoonity to swoop in an make with the big time fix-up.

But you gotta multitask expansively this month — use the disruptive an’ constructive energiesta grow yourself an’ your life as a kinda organic miscellany.

List don’t got no order to it; you don’t gotta fix all this up in sequence. Expect breakthroughs on the 11th (Scorpio full Moon) an’ mebbe 16-17th also (I drew those at random, jus’ to fuck withya). Keep thinkin’ ‘bout all 10 items onya list — sumtimes they gonna grow out in pairs or threesomes. Keep notes. Pin shit onya wall like a detective. Look for patterns. Stick up a picturea Einstein lookin’ pensive. Main deal is the noo Moon enda the month — 25th for most people — when alla this comes together an’ offers glimmera noo beginnings for the noo holistically grown you.

Fix that up before the world is consoomed in a nuclear knockout storm, you gonna be laughin’, tellya…

Back To Top

SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

April is over, an’ Sagittarians evrywhere can breathe a sigha relief.

Gonna fill the atmosphere with horsey aromas — but who cares? K, so prolly Virgo cares — but this is her way. Meanwhile in Fuckmonster Central, shit is about to get interestin’. May got a real relationships verve crackin’ off, an’ your renowned wanderlust gonna pick up sum noo friends an’ allies. Your forte is prolly solo slayin’ — wild adventure’s into life’s flamin’ sargasso — but the problem here is how sumtimes the deliciousnessa self-propeled discovery gets sullied by the loneliness factor, like whenya are in sum eaterie an’ you see a coupla sweethearts sharin’ a stoopid chocolate cake, an’ you go order one for yourself an’ feel kinda cheated eatin’ it cos it don’t makeya feel any more wanted — an’ thenya throw up.

Good daysta roll out the equine joviality? Thing to rememeber I guess is how Joopiter is retrograde in Libra, so prolly there is no bad time cos evryone is fuckoed. Jus’ gotta watch for overexooberance. First 2 weeksa May got sum seriously beneficial Mars an’ Mercury spinno gowin’ down, so this is mebbe the best time to throw on your favo spanglies an’ go mix an’ match. Mercury drops outta Aries on the 16th so play it cool here for a few days — ‘specially ifya job involves bein’ sumways subservient to Crappo Boss Person.

Mother Cosmosis left me a tattooed snake under my pillow middlea April an’ the augury she got on her scales was crystal clear. It said SAGITTARIUS CAREER MAY, so go figure. I still ain’t got no clue what it means but it was fun holdin’ the snake up to my favo lamp to decipher the message. Prolly it meansya got promotion potential, but you gotta tread wise. Ifya are self-employed or a bum, ignore this prediction an’ re-interpret the message from the love angle. (You are allowed to do this with astrology btw.)

Is There A Monthly Stinker Of Which I Should Be Afraid, O Princess?

You betchya.

Pack allaya Grudgematch & Argument Survivin’ Hardwear inya pants when Mars confronts Saturn on the 28th. You are feisty, dangerous an’ rebellious — but so isya nemesis. Charge onlookers 5 bux each in advance for the firework show an’ prepare for combat.

Back To Top

CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

Strip down, tone up, ship out.

Tellya, I picked up a real snorter in the bookstore recently. It’s a fitness book from the 1920s featurin’ sum semi-naked bear guy in apparel that woulda been racy back then but which now looks kinda like a leopard costoom gonna keepya warm in fuckin’ Alaska. Open the book up, an’ you got the most verbose EVER descriptionsa weirdsy bendin’ an’ breathin’you ever seen. I figure the moment Google markets the first fully functional sex robots, those animatronic lustbeests train up their wanko talents usin’ this book.

So…uhm…yeah — vitality, health an’ energy are thine for mosta May, so go ride the stabilizin’ Taurean wave an’ notch up sum successes. Uranus is nippin’ evryone in the butt right now with his funky disruptionals, but you got real advantage thanks to Saturn’s moderatin’ influence. So while evryone else in the celestial gym is sweatin’ their assholes off jus’ to stay on the treadmill, you can kinda cruise the joint in classy spandex, tonin’ as you go an’ pullin’ in grand schemes from outta the slack — especially on the 19th.

Anyways, back to the fitness guy. I seen a few astrologers bundlin’ health an’ fitness advice into their scopes so I figured I would give it a try. Only problem is, my own diet is fuckoed an’ what passes for my bloodstream could prolly get a vampire real rat-assed on 2nd user vodka. So, for alla you health kickin’ Capricorns gonna tone up in May, here is Leopard Pant Guy on … RUBBIN’ YOUR FLESH IN AN EXOTIC MANNER…

K, so you kinda start out leanin’ backwards withya tinglydanglies thrust out in frontaya…

“Every time the trunk has been bent backward, stroke quickly downwards with the palms of the hands over the whole of the chest and abdomen, which should be well distended. Then when the trunk commences its forward movement, the abdomen is pulled in as much as possible, after which the hands are drawn apart and carried round to the small of the back as high up as is convenient. With thumbs pointing downward, the rubbing is then continued over the loins, seat and back of the legs down to the ankles The trunk is here bent as far downward as possible, with the back curved, and you then, without pausing, start to raise it again, the hands passing round the insteps and stroking up along the shins and the fronts of the thigh.”

zodiac capricorns gimme horns up my horoscope pipes

Rub my flesh. Make me smile. Win my heart.

Tellya, I would quote more but I am gonna cum. I figure ifya are checkin’ your scope in a public place, I would not wanna be complicit in disgracingya with no embarrassin’ spontaneously moist underwear scenario…

Back To Top

AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

It’s weird but whenever I thinka Aquarius, I always hear the wordsa that old song, The Agea Aquarius. No idea why, but it gets me evry time. Thing is, we all got links in our brainos, an’ it is so true how one idea leads to another. Base goes with ball, strawberries go with cream, an’the gal upstairs goes with anyone most frickin’ nights if I got her screams correctly interpreted. Lotta these links, we all agree on, but so many are idiosyncratic an’ super personal. For Aquarians, mosta ‘em are also plain frickin’ cranky.

I wanna focus on May purely from the pointa viewa ideas an’ invention — so strip away your mortal body an’ cast aside home or career cares. Ditch the moolah. Drop the luck. Bin the rodent/reptile pet synastry. Right now, you are a nebulous blobba pure thought, floatin’ around like hunny in the bath whenya are so lazy you gotta multitask on washin’ your crackola an’ eatin’ breakfast. See, cos Taurus got her fingers on alla the happnin’ knobs pullin’ the celestial machine right now, an’ she is fluxin’ the place fulla abundant growth. It all gonna fit together real neat — real solid an’ conventional, but for Aquarian slipsa yummyhunny, conventional is no kinda aspiration. You got bigger plans for Spring’s emergent bounty — principally cos your rulin’ planet Uranus sealed a big time productivity deal with Saturn a while back…

…so that deranged link-up potential comes bundled inya braino can kinda level up the playtime deal. You know in your heart how summaya weirdsy musings are of no consequence or relate to kinda small stuff — but May delivers monster frickin’ chunksa juicy raw materials you can go smash together an tear apart jus’ to see what happens. You got a chemical setta the procreative intellect gowin’ on here an’ I would wantcha to create sumthin’ magnificently eccentric by May 31st, y’hear? Scorpio full Moon on the 11th gonna be a pisser, but the heavens’re buzzin’ with real fizzya can tap.

Harmony and understanding

Sympathy and trust abounding

No more falsehoods or derisions

Golden living dreams of visions

Mystic crystal revelation

And the mind’s true liberation

Gimme hunny in the bath, tequila

Gimme soap where I can feel her

Back To Top

PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

2017 been kinda bumpy so far. Massesa highs, massesa lows, all mixed together in a kinda lumpy soup fulla sparkly croutons. Cool thing is, May packs a neat dosea comfort, ‘specially closeta your own personal space. Sun in Taurus is givin’ evryone a power massage, an’ I figure cos fishies an’ bulls got a real neat Zodiacal linkup in general, you gonna be singled out for spesho treatment. Got a Taurus close to hand you can go kiss — do it now! Win double the sensyool yummy!

First thing we gotta do is define personal space. Technically, this means home environment, but cosya inner life is so rich we gotta also consider the lush landscape only you can see. Tellya, I would wanna be your eyeballs sumtimes. I figure they kinda flip between worlds. Best plan is to flip ‘em right over into the pernickety domaina your Zodiac opposite, Virgo — an’ go fetch the cleanin’ stuffs. We are gonna clean an’ tidy up your place — vacuum carpets, bin trash, an’ tweezer panties from behind the sofa. Nonea this is high power brain work, so whileya are makin’ with the Spring clean, you can be dreamin’ idly an’ checkin’ out that personal panorama adornin’ your inner place. I know you like it messy an’ free to whatever, but I also know howya treasure sweet contentment, an’ we both know you got stuff in there don’t sit too well with evrythin’ else on that score. So as your body makes with the Tidy & Toss cleano ethic, you mebbe wanna get deep in on your nebulosities an’ shuffle shit around in there also. Ideas an’ feelings. Frissons an’ ephemera. Soft lips an’ unicorns. Be real directed on this; drift with real purpose. By the Scorpio full Moon on the 11th your home gonna be revitalized an’ your paradise zone repopulated with rainbows an’ draineda murk.

Sounds Great, Princess — But Surely There’s A Catch?

For sure, when the Sun rolls into antagonistic Gemini enda the month, this sensyool productivity gonna ease off, but May is mostly a cool month for Fish People. Jus’ gotta mebbe watch alla the good work don’t get undone when Venus an’ Pluto weirdsy out on the 25th. I will mebbe take to Tumblr closer to that time for a mini-blog when it is clearer what predicto-poop gonna roll outta this clash, but for now, be prepared to be especially diligent regardin’ that inner sweet spot.

Were You Serious About Kissing A Taurus Like Now?

Nuthin’ less than gettin’ your socks snogged off will do…

Back To Top

WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

Back To Top

Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?