Horoscope Archive June 2018<span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-30T09:03:35+00:00"></span>

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

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Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — Joon '18

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Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

Joon 2018 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for luck fame & fortune in june 2018
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ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

NEED HOT TIPS FOR GETTIN’ THE MOST OUTTA YOUR HOROSCOPE?

Count Me The Hell On In, Sister!

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

What’s not to like about Joon?

Answer: Frickin’ evrythin’!

Ha! Only kiddin’.

That is what I so love ‘bout Aries — not so much how you can’t take it (see, cos I knowya real pissed ‘bout Joon bein’ trailed as the Shitter To End All Shitters), but because any challenge to your indomitable spirit soon either blows over or gets crushed underfoot (an’ I sense here how you mebbe calmin’ down now cos life too short to stomp for days or sulk — but if I got that wrong, mebbe jus’ go punch a big fuckin’ hole in a random wall an’ come back in 5 minutes).

Thing is, a whole buncha Cancer energies’re rearin’ their crabby wherewithal up outta the depths this month, an’ this Cardinal mismatch gonna feel like a big ole anchor pullin’ you back an’ draggin’ you down.

Doubt, fear, emotional sensitivity, desire to slack out in the kitchen for a week makin’ miniature cupcakes for alla your friends’ fluffiest pets — it is mebbe these kindsa distractions gonna seep in through the cracks left by your traila destruction. 

But there is a point to alla this.

From time to time, evry firebrand gotta pause to take stock in the mirror.

Jimi Hendrix said sumthin’ ‘bout bein’ OK with burnin’ up bcs that was his life — but the stoopid fucker died at 27.

(Yeah, I know he was a Sajjo, but prolly you ain’t no guitarist got Floral Apparel mania, so pay attention!)

So Cancer in Venus till mid-month invitesya to examine your own mortal flesh an’ ask yourself, “am I trooly 100% indestructible?”

*Benevolent anchor.*

Fix that deal, an’ mebbe open up a little to besties after Mercury switches to Cancer from Toosady 12th, an’ all kindsa JUICY await your delicious ass.

From here on in, Venus in Leo is way more your style.

So Joon has two distinct halves.

First part … step back, take stock, watch out.

Second part … rejuvenated fireball runs amok.

Like Lawrence Ferlinghetti said, “Blood red stars spit free when pauses come naturally. Commas and periods exist only to make us feel pissed,” he actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Aries to tweet that as a Ferlinghetti quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for bearded guys in weird hats to drop all the sublime poetic knobcheesery..

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TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

My Taurus friends got mixed feelings ‘bout how the current times’re pannin’ out.

When Uranus landed inya sign las’ month, he kickstarted a revolutionary process gonna persist till 2026.

It’s mebbe not whatchyoo want … but equally it may be evrythin’ you need.

An’ sum people’re feelin’ that — an almost existential uncertainty ‘bout stuff that always seemed so … permanent.

Course, there’re other Taurus types ain’t looked up from their dinner plates in months, for whom nothin’ has changed much save the extra WOBBLY stacked on their fat asses.

Whatever the deal, first week in Joon brings an aesthetic sideswipe as Venus in Cancer rocks significant aspects with Joopiter, Neptoon an’ Plooto.

Your cherished world view may be about to undergo significant changes, but home world Venus says … mebbe that is no bad deal.

So go discover new kindsa beautiful stuff, broaden your horizons, seek comfort in the potentially spiky — but be prepared for this experience to hiccup Friday 15th.

Mood feels flighty till Cancer gets her pincers into your mojo Thursday 21st, whereupon the big news for evrywan is a coupla unsettlin’ Cancer aspects involvin’ Saturn an’ the Sun — alla which you can catch up on LIVE over on my Twitter Hangout.

Cancer an’ Taurus swank out together real neat, an’ things gonna feel more like they did back in April an’ early May when the world hummed sweet an’ burgers flew at random from outta the ether evry timeya felt peckish.

Best day by far looks to be the Full Moon in Capricorn on the Thursday 28th.

Powerhouse energy awaits, so get workin’ on sumthin’ substantial like fixin’ up your own key shit or rewardin’ anywan inya life deserves a little Moo Person Lurve …

Like Jamie Oliver said, “Life is like a truly scrummy Spotted Dick. You only get out what you put in, and it goes great with a side portion of fries,” he actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Taurus to tweet that as an Oliver quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for Yookay recipe fiends to micromanage our gastric wall activity..

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GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

Yanno how sumtimes a vision leaps outta the Cosmic swamp?

A premonition so real it feels likeya could mount it onya wall?

K, so I am gettin’ leopard skin.

That is the theme for Gemini this month — beamin’ as radiant from the auguries as Donald Trump’s shame don’t gush in torrents from most stuff he frickin’ does.

Problem is, tradin’ in leopard skins is mostly outlawed, which means sourcin’ retailers who gonna offer the very best in faux leopard skin products an’ accessories.

I got a friend works in weirdo leisure — alla the oddball merchandise floats outta Facebook from time to time — but no way am I callin’ her up to do the legwork belongs to curious Gemini.

You wanna commune with the Cosmos on a fate-powered leopard skin bonanza, you gotta Google the fucker yourself — or pitch your networka friends work in weirdo leisure.

tbh I figure more Geminis work in weirdo leisure than any other starsign, so prolly you halfway there already.

If the stars be packin’ max irony, your entire livin’ area an’ wardrobe been rockin’ out on a faux leopard skin vibe since twenty whenevah..

Yeah, so … leopard skin rug, leopard skin bed sheets, leopard skin underwear.

Mebbe a matchin’ leopard skin coffee mug an’ fryin’ pan set.

10-speed dildo.

Actschwlly, the more I think ‘bout it, I got no idea why ima write out your horoscope anyways.

You gotchya finger on the pulse, you plugged in to the network, you ridin’ high on ubertransmissive Mercury comms juice — why in hell you need no wankbrain astrologer person pitchin’ a fyooture you already foreseen through the grapevine since two weeks before fuckin’ Christmas?

‘Specially a Sagittarian astrologer person who don’t sit too good with Gemini energies bcs evry time they roll around she makes so many typos writin’ out her horoscopes it is like she grew a malevolent phantom limb able to manifest at random in frickin’ Sanskrit.

So listen, Joon is mostly Gemini Season.

So go rock out, K?

Like Kanye said, “Looking in a mirror is the easiest way to fix up a hug. The person you see there loves your ass like no other — especially if you’re me,” he actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Gemini to tweet that as a Kanye quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

No, waitaminute … make that two questions bcs this is your month.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for pretentious pop legends to go max out on clearly debatable a priori truths.

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CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

Tellya, Joon packs so much positive Cancer power you might level up to a frickin’ lobster.

That deal brings …

neater pincers, more streamlined chitinous allure, higher retail worth at the dinner table if’n you wipe out an’ gotta sacrifice all to save the fam.

Starts right away with a fun-packed first week pitchin’ the Max Celestial Action Venus smarts.

Planet Beautypoppet is in Cancer, cosyin’ sweet to a whole buncha killer planets.

Expect grand an’ exotic schemes, neatly dreamed an’ delivered — an’ bcs Uranus in Taurus underpins all we do rn, at very least that gotta mean bakin’ sumthin’ wack.

Jus’ watch for Thursday 7th when Mercury plays sneaky with the vision thing outtta spite.

From Toosday 12th, all things braino receive a lift, so mebbe you can liftya weary head up fromya responsibilities an’ worries an’ go brush your fuckin’ hair.

It is one thing to be selfless, an’ quite another to be so devoted to fam an’ friends thatchya sacrifice all, but FFS that don’t gotta meanya shuffle around the place half-dressed lookin’ like no vagrant.

So asya level up to lobster status — an’ tbh Wednesday 13th nails the deal — prolly this means fittin’ in a pamper day sumplace classy where the fanjo waxin’ ain’t too painful.

That way, when the Sun enters your sign on Thursday 21st, you can be up an’ runnin’ on all six legs without havin’ to shimmy sideways about the place like a hesitant creep.

But please highlight 16th, 23rd & 27th inya diary as days to take extra care.

Like I said in my Janyooary 2018 horoscope, Saturn in Capricorn is runnin’ a SHELL TEST, an’ you may discover these days to be challengin’.

(Alternatively, way sexy fuck beasts may throb your way an’ demand to be licked from head to toe — but that’s astrology forya.)

Good days?

Book the 19th & 28th — an’ expect bliss an’ divine inspiration respectively.

Like JFK said, “When there is you, and when there is your county, everyone gets pizza,” he actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Cancer to tweet that as a JFK quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for assassination victims to rise again an’ dish the socio-political smarts.

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LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

Thing ‘bout Venus headin’ your way on Wednesday 13th is how you already booked the arena.

Alla the recent heavy dooty Earth Zodiac promo — like Uranus in Taurus an’ Bore-my-Ass in Mudball — mebbe felt like a heavy load, but Summer is comin’ an’ that can only mean one thing …

Lay down on a beach sumplace hot & dinky where evrywan can see an’ make with the deliciously exposed Leonine curvature.

So Joon means preppin’ the annual Leo Showtime Blitz ready for action later in the year.

Pull off a stunner an’ Mother Cosmosis mebbe gonna agree to rollin’ out Leo Season all year long.

So here’s how Joon plays …

We got Cancer stuffs waitin’ to happen later in the month, an’ right at the start, Venus takes up the baton on evry crab’s behalf an’ drops a Deep Emo-themed Introspection week.

So watch for pride ishoos here cos you mebbe gonna hurt for stuff — an’ wadin’ out all showy an’ brash as a survival exercise ain’t gonna play too good.

Best to keep a low profile whileya are arrangin’ your Leo stuffs for later (like bookin’ bands for the big party, persuadin’ the world’s capital cities to blitz the sky with fireworks etc).

Second week invitesya to re-assess how you gonna spill out your latent generosity for the resta 2018 — an’ the rejuvenatory noo Gemini Moon synchs so well with the Venus deal on Wednesday 13th you prolly wanna bookrmark that baby for a heavy dooty inspiration sesh.

Friday 15th looks challengin’, but if’n you mad keen to prosper, look for uncomfortable insights you can mebbe plunder bcs Neptoon spins retro from Toosday 19th an’ illusion gonna take a smack in the mouth till November.

This means alla them big Leonine dreams turn out so overblown they makeya look like a pompous shitbrain gonna be easier to sift out an’ set aside.

Blowin’ holes inya purse mebbe less easy also.

Asya separate sweet potential from deloosional wackcraft third weeka Joon, watch for energy drain Thursday 21st.

Could be a long week!

Final Joon phase brings curveball conundrums, so be ready to improvise an’ experiment.

Like Emerson said, “all too often we are robbed of our wits at precisely the moment they are demanded — but if we are confident of our innermost strengths, we shall discover fruitful illumination in our plight and survive to prosper anew,” he actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Leo to tweet that as an Emerson quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for guys called WALDO to drop all the motivational succor.

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VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd 

Yanno that deal with kids’ games where sumtimes you get to miss a turn?

Like in Cards Against Your Fuckin’ Parents whenya fellow players agree you been insufficiently cruel an’ merciless?

Joon has that kinda ring to it, tellya.

Plenty Cancer stuffs from Venus to full blown Sun gonna mebbe take summa the I CARE LOTS FOR PEOPLE responsibilities offa your shoulders, an’ though this means evrywan gonna be overfed till they puke an’ evry metaphorical work surface gonna be splattered with uncooked bread dough an’ miscellaneous albumen splats — aw, c’mon, take a fuckin’ breather.

An’ listen, you real big on sharin’ stuff out equal an’ fair an’ by the nano-ounce — so why not let Gemini take up alla the Mercurial slack for a while?

Sure, ditz gonna klutz out, an’ you gonna need to make a list for laters, but alla that hardcore braino activity can mebbe take a back seat, huh?

Thing ‘bout missin’ a turn for sumone don’t miss a trick is how it ain’t ever no fallow time.

Virgo wins out at diligent practicalities, but it is cool also to devote serious time to gratooitous cool observation.

An’ here’s how your sabbatical Me Time* gonna pan out …

Wednesday 6th — Don’t people say the strangest things ‘bout their heartfelt desires?

Wednesday 13th — Your inner mind map is visible as spines on a curled-up hedgehog. Run run your fingers along evry tangent an’ feel for genius — you won’t get bit, prom.

Toosday 19th — Evrywan else misses a turn in unison … only they don’t realise, so stay quiet.

Saturday 16th … 23rd — Your generosity is summoned from the pit … but is this a timesink?

Thursday 28th — K, so it’s YOUR TURN again. All dice are loaded to roll 6s.

Hottest tip?

Whileya are dowin’ productive nuthin’, why not look in on my Uranus In Taurus analysis as a motivational exercise?

When Confucius said, “tread lightly as the wind lifts your step, so your walking becomes dancing, your direction spins as one with the world’s breath,” he actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Virgo to tweet that as a Confucius quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for people whose names make ‘em sound stoopid hoggin’ alla the cool slogans rock out on T shirts an’ kinky domwear.

* That is correct — so go throw on a bra that beams I RULE from both titties.

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LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

ima play maverick here, cos I knowya admire alla that stuff — an’ I wanna fluff my chest with sumthin’ other than socks evry time I’m out dancin’ in a club fulla gals packin’ mountainous squidos.

Astro theory goes that you gonna feel bright an’ breezy durin’ Gemini Season specifically bcs it buzzes with Air-centric energy.

Gotta thinka this like a wild swinger party where revellers hitch up by jacuzzi aroma preferences steada raw tinglydangly evidence — kinda ... guy with the meaty dick went with strawberries & quinoa, but I’m a pomegranate & ocelot musk gal an’ so I bagged the 52yo NYC banker guy with balls down to his ankles.

So mebbe let’s be diffrent this time around an’ transform sumthin’ easy breezy into a duress-packin’ personal growth experience gonna peel the flesh fromya lazy ass body.

tbh, the way Cancer hijacks your rulin’ planet Venus, it is almost like the Cosmos got word ‘bout my provocative scheme an’ said, “this Cardinal calamity oughta fuck on evry Libra big time mwuah ha ha.”

An’ to be honest, there is so much thong wedgie hard in ass discomfort rollin’ outta all the hardcore Capricorn retro activity, gotta figure an unkind Cosmos been joined by Satan with a wasp rammed down his dick.

Still gearin’ up to spend the whole month improvisin’ upliftin pseudo-Mozart ditties onya rainbow-hued pan pipes?

Then THINK AGAIN!

We gotta power down that deloosion!

You get ONE DAY for alla that schwango — an’ it is the Gemini Noo Moon drops Wednesday 13th.

Plus also … no improvisin’ bcs you gotta read from actshwl frickin’ music.

Better still, alla that music be the worst kinda downbeat dirge.

So select one pipe from your Pan array, paint it black, an’ prepare for sufferin’.

(Natchrlly, you perfectly free to disregard this entire horoscope as a harridan’s crazed machinations — in which case go flip the auguries outta their socks an’ write an emotionally deep sci-fi novel fulla noobile fish people.)

Like Meghan Markle said, “I prefer to look at life from every angle and base my choices on the best direction forward I can find. That’s why I married a loaded Prince with a beard I can tame on a metaphorical ego trip,” she actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Libra to tweet that as a Duchess quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for people who dropped their day job to go live their dreams … but still held onto the day job bcs FAME.

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SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

Frienda mine jus’ done sum paramedic trainin’ in preparation for the Zaaahmbie Apocalypse.

Sounds kinda weird, but in emergencies the lifesaver guys are trained to look for the people ain’t screamin’ their tits off.

Deal goes kinda that ifya got the energy to be screamin’ HELP ME COS I FUCKIN’ DYIN’, prolly you gonna stick around longer than anywan unconscious.

Ditz like Moi shows, alla the real emergency cases gonna die, tellya.

As I am reassurin’ Cap’n Zero Legs while his blood supply oozes outta his severed rectum … makin’ with my mostest hoppertimistic you gonna be OK Sweetie Poppet you gonna be OK spiel … alla the real desperate fuckers be snuffin’ out all over like sperm suffocatin’ in a Trojan fulla max strength spermicide.

What has this gotta do with the stars for Scorpio in Joon?

Aw, see here’s the thing.

I know howya wanna play stuff all secretive an’ sneaky — but the Cosmos gonna demand you SHOW UP.

From Venus in Cancer to a whole buncha Joopiter stuff swingin’ out all retro inya own sign, whatchyoo got playin’ so cool in the shadows is needed out there on the front line.

An’ prolly it is a loyalty ishoo — jus’ as we are all honor bound to help out anyways we can when emergency strikes (even if, like Moi, all you got is sayin’ a few choice, positive words to a guy thanksya by shittin’ out his liver onya best heels), so too close friends an’ allies sumtimes so stiffed you gotta blowya own cover more’n you wanna to help out.

Durin’ Gemini season, when evry eye is upon ya ass, this gonna makeya feel way vulnerable — if’n you fail to see the wider picture.

See, cos bein’ alive IRL Evryday Land prolly as mucha an emergency as a zaaahmbie apocalypse, an’ as the Cosmos — in her role as paramedic person — figures who to aid an’ who to ignore, she gonna eyeballya whileya up outta the shadows … an’ leaveya to it while she fixes the real serious cases.

So … either you lie back all sneaky an’ be mothered … or stand up all exposed an’ be fuckoed.

Like Kim Jong-un said, “Liberty begins with obedience, progress begins with subservience, style begins with every last one of my selfies,” he actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Scorpio to tweet that as a Kimmee quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for loon pant enthoosiasts slipstreamin’ on the Gangnam Style popularity vibe.

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SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

Mars be a-romp in Aquarius all Joon, meanin’ times be especially good for gettin’ out there an’ dishin’ the spiel.

All liaisons be fruitful rn, an’ you gotta link braino.

Gotta figure when I got Balestra Astrological Services set up, ima look in on sum dinky merchandise for alla the signs.

Toppa my list is a kinda tiara for alla the centaur types whose special power is weirdsy telepathy.

See, cos it gonna have antennae, but cos I loves me a little smoochie, range gonna be deliberately limited so you gotta touch wibblo bits together for the mind transfer to work.

Two reasons for this.

First, kissin’ is possible durin’ all the cerebral transfer stuff (which is why the strapline gonna be LINK MINDS. LICK THROATS.).

Second, there ain’t no point puttin’ a colossal range on the telepathy when Sajjo is involved cos it means they don’t gotta romp around all over.

(I may extend this range feature to a sister product for Taurus — an’ I am thinkin’ a cock ring with direct access to pizza an’ burger joints within a 20 mile radius who deliver.)

Anyways, like I said — go hang out with whoevah an’ exchange cool ideas.

I knowya already do that, but what I mean is … really do that.

Which kinda means switchin’ out sum other stuff gowin’ down inya behavioural repertoire, like mebbe shoppin’ for outfits don’t match, shoutin’ an’ fallin’ over.

Noo Moon Wednesday 13th prolly real cool for throwin’ a party.

Don’t gotta be no kinda rave likeya see at the weekend — jus’ be creative, spill a mixa people together … park, coffee shop, fuckin’ zoo.

Jus’ watch for antsiness in that last week as the Sun moves into Cancer an’ Mars goes offa his tits.

Same applies to evrythin’ after Toosday 19th.

Momentary brain fog descends, so you may haveta slow to a canter.

Like Britney said, “My stylist told me life is punctuated equilibrium, and I whole heartedly agree. One time, my head was shaved, and now it isn’t. I may shave it again in the future. It’s a cool metaphor,” she actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Sajjo to tweet that as a Britney quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for rock solid ditz-cum-nightingales to reconfigure their coiffure accordin’ to a high-falutin’ system.

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CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

Dear sweet Jesus!

What is that blancmange-like efflooent coursin’ outta the gunge pipes an’ trashin’ alla your finest half-built contraptions?

Uh oh — it be Cancer Juice.

So jus’ whenya wanna seal the deal, fix the biz, nail the next stage inya plan, Fate dictates howya gotta step to one side an’ join in with the communal blubbin’.

Tellya, that first week gonna pack more Dead Hamster Moments than you seen before inya whole lifetime.

Here’s the deal …

Friend: Hey, Cappy! You gotta come over right now. My hamster jus’ died an’ I am devastated.

Capricorn: (Flips randomly through the pages of her NO book an’ settles on NO #3,573) I can’t. I’m busy with a project.

Friend: But you GOTTA! Princess Balestra said unrelenting Cancer activity in June means that if you don’t, a bolt of pure energy will strike you from the heavens and shrivel your tits to walnuts!

20 minutes later …

Friend: Thanks for coming.

(Gritya teeth for the next line so’s you can put in sum practice for when the real thing happens — an’ I am thinkin’ a real hard grit like in a superhero movie when the beleaguered hero gotta summon the courage to toss a big ole object they could never normally lift at a GOD…)

Capricorn: No problem.

Friend: I’m so inconsolable I could die. Waaaaah! Blub blub blub!

Capricorn: Why that’s simply terrible. Wah. Blub. Wah.

Friend: Can I get a hug?

Capricorn: You kidding? Giving in to celestial inevitability is one thing, but trashing my entire reputation for the sake of a dead hamster is quite another. Let me get my phone and dig out a funeral march on Spotify before we bury the useless little cunt.

Survive that scenario, over an’ over, an’ Joon got plenty practical boosts gowin’ down.

Admittedly, they be for most other signs, so mebbe the deal is to take secret an’ delicious pleasure in how a retro Saturn in Capricorn be grindin’ evryone’s lives to dust.

Full Moon in Cappy on Thursday 28th be a cool time to down that champagne you been keepin’ in the closet since yr last regeneration.

Like Peter Capaldi said, “What goes around comes around, but what swims around rarely walks around without suffocating and doing weird things with its flippers,” he actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Capricorn to tweet that as a Capaldi quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for wild-eyed Yookay thespians with a penchant for battlin’ aliens an’ bein’ way too tall for most gals to kiss without standin’ on a box.

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AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

Life prolly feels like a Tolkienesque quest right now.

Only ‘steada battlin’ orcs an’ ogres on the wayta slayin’ a dragon or dowin’ whatever alla them hobbitses did in Mordor, you gotta grab home planet Uranus back offa Taurus before she dips the fucker in mayo an’ swallows it whole with a side salad made entirely outta diced quarter pounders.

tbh, deal must feel like entrustin’ your favo party panties to a terrier pup.

“Guard my party panties true, O faithful hound — and please don’t pull your regular trick whereby everything coming into contact with your razor-sharp teeth gets torn so totally to shreds that you beat the pants off science guys world wide in the race to split the atom down to its ultimate essential particle.”

Thing is, gotta wonder if sumthin’ like frog slime might work for that scenario.

See cos I seen a nature program said they covered in stinky stuff so the birds can’t eat em’.

You go dipya panties in frog slime, gotta figure Fido prolly leave ‘em alone.

Course, that means you gotta wash ‘em whenya come back from whatever it was meant you needed a dog to guard ‘em in the first place, but I figure not evry plan gotta be the simplest option.

Anyways, main thing’bout Joon is how the airwaves be openin’ up after what mighta felt like a stagnant kinda intellectyool lockdown.

So mebbe use Joon to fix up hardcore biz an’ max out on pleasure.

Twinny energy meansya can multitask on life’s essentials.

An’ mebbe ifya are a real inventive Aquarius, a big splasha genius might come your way for the Noo Moon Wednesday 13th.

I visualize … an all-in-one Panty Protector Kit featurin’ frog slime, a powdered detergent works kinda like dry shampoo, an’ Terrier Hire coupons for use atchya local Terrier Warehouse.

Fix up a cool noo product like that, you gonna pull in millions offa skinny dippin’ Saj gals alone.

Tellya, nuthin’ is worse than climbin’ outta the fountain in the mall to discover a pervo made off withya panties so’s he could jerk off while smokin’ the fuckers.

Like Leo DiCaprio said, “I love classy girls with belts on their knickers. It speaks of purity, and a health-conscious attitude to the waistline,” he actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Aquarius to tweet that as a DiCaprio quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for boyish actor types whose ocean-gowin’ adventures end in disaster.

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PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

Plenty neat mood music to suitya, tellya.

We got Cancer in Venus heraldin’ full-on solar-powered crab-style action later in the month.

We got Neptoon makin’ some KILLER aspects with water signs like it was on X Factor tryin’ to wow the Cowell.

An’ we got YOU — all dreamy delicious like a chocolate bunny skippin’ between the clouds fulla knockout gin an’ narcotics.

Thing is, alla this heavy dooty dreamyslooshie stuff be gowin’ down under the Gemini radar.

Means touchin’ on the full Neptoonian opiate effect gonna feel like strippin’ down before a flabby letch with overdeveloped wrist muscles.

But I guess, like the cameras in a reality show, you soon gonna acclimatize the IYF scryin’.

tbh, close scrutiny out there in the Fluffysphere might be no bad thing.

First two days is when the Neptoonian treast begins — these are Pisces-centric lessons an’ lusho experiences ain’t gonna roll round on planet Earth in an age.

Singular exotica beckons — this is a real opportoonity to go makeya mark on an otherwise obfuscatin’ panorama.

Wednesday 6th/7th is a challenge, but from here on in it is like Neptoon be orchestratin’ a watery concerto out front before the twinned Gemini curtains.

Main deal is the Yummy pitched into your romantic liaisons by Venus.

If nowan ain’t nibbled onya flesh in a while, expect mebbe sum real hot people showin’ up with their knife, fork an’ spoon.

Ifya are in a long-term nibbly arrangement, likely there gonna be developments.

In relationships, always there are noo angles to see stuff an’ try novel shit for size.

When Adrienne De Magenta said, “Novely is merely Same Old Same Old cast before goobers,” he actschwlly didn’t.

That was Moi.

First Pisces to tweet that as a De Magenta quote on #Twitter for #WednesdayWisdom wins a Balestra Vision look-in on an astrological question dear to their heart.

Jus’ DM the evidence & let’s quit holdin’ out for imaginary trans bodybuilder entreprenoors hot on transformin’ Arizona into a iguana-breedin’ paradise.

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WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

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YOUR HANDY HOROSCOPE CHECKLIST

Gotta figure ifya gonna derive maxo benefit fromya horoscope you gotta imbibe its wisdom all proper.

Simply follow my super-practical 10-step Guide, an’ horoscope readin NIRVANA gonna be thine, tellya…

horoscope checklist infographic helps everyone whatever their starsign
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Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?

Gowan — Squirt This Baby Around Like Fizzin' Champagne