Horoscope Archive June 2017 <span class="sdata2" title="2017-07-01T11:18:17+00:00"></span>

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

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Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — June '17

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Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

June 2017 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for fortune in june
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ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

June is for poetry an’ celebrity romance.

What better time for rock drummer heroes to hitch up with fashion designer airheads an’ stroll along the beach in sequined skimpies, recitin’ long-lost villanelles by sum weirdo monk guy?

Bum nooz is, prolly this ain’t happenin’ so good in 2017.

Why so?

Cos we got a planetary Trio Cataclysmo gonna smack the pants offa the rhythm we had so far in 2017.

Evryone gonna be affected — even Johnny fuckin’ Depp.

First Cataclysmo gowin’ down is Joopiter whoopin’ up outta retrograde 9/10-ish.

Deal so far is how relationships been in a spin, with noo possibilities seemingly round evry corner an’ arguments lurkin’ under evry kiss.

Weird thing is, that prolly suitsya, Aries — keepsya onya toes.

But alla that is stoppin’ — an’ for a coupla days evryone gonna be dead in the water till the Joopster spins trooly direct for a challengin’ stint gonna last till September.

Second Cataclysmo drops just after when the Sun an’ Saturn trade annual blows over who is the biggest cheese in the Cosmos.

So get your shit together for the 12-14th or evrythin’ gonna fall apart an’ you gonna be exposed.

Celestial energies wanna breakya, no mercy.

You been warned!

Final Cataclysmo is Neptoon retro on the 16th.

Yup, the sneakily secretive aquatic ninja goes underground in secretly sneaky Pisces, like he is runnin’ from the onslaughta forces elsewhere.

This kinda retreat is sooooo un-Aries, an’ I figure you gotta bear this in mind sum.

Big swinger like Neptoon pulls againstya, you are in trouble, tellya.

Could mebbe meanya are called out for aggression more’n ever before, an’ I guess what I am sayin’ here is that as the month heads toward the transition from Gemini to Cancer, it is kinda switcho time from somea the romp you had first parta the year to … bitin’ a few bullets you prolly don’t wanna.

Your fixer is the full moon in Sajjo on the 9th, jus’ as the major celestial shifts pull their butt cheeks apart an’ prepare to dump chaos.

Like all full moons, this one gonna take a few days to roll, so get listenin’ to that sweet an’ true heartya got beatin’ in that big ole chesta yours durin’ the midweek run-up an’ make a WHO HOW WHY list.

Cosmos is rollin’ over the WHO HOW WHY in all kindsa ways in June — an’ that benevolent full moon gonna be the magic tonic to quaff beforeya step out an’ do battle with uncertainty.

Drink deep, drink true, drink fruity…

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TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

My theme for this month is what I am callin the Trio Cataclysmo — three celestial events linked by my deliberate hyperbole whose combined effect gonna steer 2017 in a noo direction.

But beforeya get all moosy cowsey antsy an’ scream, “but I am Taurus! Please don’t tell me things gonna change!” I wanna point up sum good stuff gonna bless evry bovine soul while chaos an’ destruction hammers 2017 so hard prolly blood gonna squirt from its eyeballs.

Thing is, Venus is withya mosta June.

An’ what do we know about Venus?

She is an especially soft an’ lusho kinda minx, an’ she loves nuthin’ more than to bestow abundant loveliness ‘pon all she chooses to caress.

An’ THE ONE she chooses to caress super sweetest of all is … TAURUS!

Any other year, Venus in your sign would be unadulterated bliss, but for 2017 you gotta thinka bein’ imprisoned in an iron maiden got spikes made outta realistic bendy vibratin’ dildos.

Not exactly unpleasant. Not exactly death.

So, listen, you are insulated more’n most from what is gonna go down is my point.

So What Is Going Down, O Princess, As I Watch From My Dildo-packed Iron Maiden?

First, relationships.

From the 9th, people gonna start sayin’ weird things — secrets released, packin’ barbs.

Second, Cosmos gonna come seekya out an’ exposeya ass.

Sun an’ Saturn have their annual fistfight 12-14th, an’ they gonna take their eyes offa evryone’s balls.

Cracks gonna appear an’ people gonna fall through.

No one is immune.

Third, Neptoon goes retro on the 16th, meanin’ it is still OK to binge-eat whole trifles, but jus’ take extra care wipin’ the cream offa your clothes, K?

Don’t wanna get caught.

Actchly, while I think about it, that iron maiden deal could be a big money spinner for onea you sexed-up Taurus types.

Finances look good, so why not invest in mebbe 100 vibratin dildos an’ sum medieval torture equipment an’ go market a super sensual dom-themed in-home massager?

C’mon, you seen them squishy seats in the mall gonna sootheya tension with their vibratorial prowess?

Gotta figure bein’ locked inside an iron maiden fulla vibes whose adjustable tips perfectly caress evry incha your exterior gotta be a must-have item for sumone.

You are artistic, Taurus — you could even design the frickin’ bonus mask comes with the main package…

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GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

Sorry, Gemini, but I am hijackin’ your horoscope this month to pitch a movie idea I jus’ had.

Thing is, I figureya mebbe gonna be OK with that over showin’ up here an’ me sayin’ shit like “June is especially good for romance” or “fortune will bless you with cascades of dollars falling from the very heavens” because I knowya appreciate excitement.

So, anyways, me an’ Taurus were jus’ discussin’ a business proposition whereby we market the Swoon Tomb nationwide to people wanna combine bein’ massaged to supreme levelsa arousal with experiencin’ ultimate imprisonment.

(The Swoon Tomb is an iron maiden packin’ vibratin’ realistic dildos insteada spikes btw.)

But then I got thinkin’ kinda space opera movie — sum real big cargo vessel takin’ Swoon Tombs from hoomanity’s noo base on Joopiter to sumplace beyond Plooto gets hit by reptilian pirates weildin’ laser rifles.

I dunno, I jus’ visualised the 20-minute climax scene where our boys (prolly Benedict Cumberbatch, Matt Damon an’ Scalett Johansson) shoot it out with the reptile hordes between near endless rowsa Swoon Tombs piled high to the ceilin’ — an’ as laser ballistics meet lightsaber swishy swoopy (cos I am havin’ our side clad in miniature kilts btw, an’ I wanna see sum undercarriage on the swing), those Never has confinement cum closer to ecstasy babies get blasted to shit an’ shower the traditionally metallic sci-fi panorama with noo year firework-style explosionsa lurid pink vibes.

Other news jus’ in is mebbe June is gonna be real cool for Gemini types.

Sun is in your sign, an’ though Mars drops outta the twinny runnin’ real early, prolly that gonna cut summa the bite fromya chops been gettin’ you in trouble recently.

So go make with the communicative excello — an’ ifya think up sum better strap for the Swoon Tomb than the one I got, get in touch, K?

I sense big time bucks.

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CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

Fuckin’ hell, I gotta get serious.

What is it with the whole Gemini vibe anyways?

(Scuse me for digressin’ here — I am in a filosophical mood rn, an’ I will get to your fate in a sec.)

Enda las’ month, I had planned shitloadsa writin’ to coincide with Gemini’s broadly mercurial mojo, but instead all I done was run around screamin’ like a total ditzo.

An’ now I come to write my regular monthly scopes — heart so heavy cos I gotta reveal to one an’ all how what I term the Trio Cataclysmo gonna switch 2017 outta its current disruptive groove an’ spin it recklessly disruptiver — I got the concentration powera sum frickin’ ant.

But this is not your fault.

Nuthin’ much ever is.

An’ I guess June is gonna dropya sum reward.

Not gonna happen right away, but I would want forya to smooth along bestya can while the prevailin’ Venus in Taurus mood plays sweet onya directional tango till the Sun hits Cancer later in the month.

In sum ways, June is like the feela silky fabric onya flesh — but a coupla high stakes negativoes kinda prowl like sharks.

Saturn opposes the Sun from 12th to 14th — a broad stretch cos he is feelin’ mean this year.

All Saturnine oppositions are problematic grinders, an’ mostly they got hardcore serious life lessons — but there is sumthin’ ‘bout Saturn tryin’ to grind on the Sun that is uncharacteristically reckless, almost like he is tryin’ out his own cruel test upon himself.

Anyways, Cancer got a rough ride here, coupla real nasty days under the spotlight whenya gonna feel super exposed.

That is mebbe a good time to think ahead to enda the month when all things Cancerian swing an’ roll — includin’ a dinky noo Moon in your sign.

Second thing gowin’ down in June concerns friends an’ fam — an’ your role in keepin’ evryone sweet.

Joopiter’s retro relationships groove (here all year so far), gonna shift gear an’ direction, meanin’ anythin’ got cosy gonna require reassessment — an’ as Emotional Reassessment Doctor Person, that mebbe gonna pull even more onya time an’ resources.

Handle those babies, an’ June is lookin’ kinda swanky

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LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

June drops packin’ a celestial polyreflection mirror.

Rules for use are kinda simple.

Same as evry mirror, whenya look in the glass, you gonna see your reflection.

(Horror movie mirrors are different, but ifya wanna simulate that kinda terror for fun, may I suggest hangin’ a bat up sumplace.)

Celestial polyreflectional mirror shows two reflections — though not at the same time.

First is the outer you — the rompsy Leo on show, paradin’ around likeya jus’ drunk a whole frickin’ bottlea liquid asshole.

Second is the inner you — the trooly thoughtful an’ mebbe even tender lion few ever get to see.

Evry timeya blink, you gonna get onea these reflections — an’ you won’t ever know which unlessya look real hard.

Thing is, mirror letsya in on a secret kinda gets muddled most times.

Where does the inner lion end an’ the outer lion begin?

Go work with the images the mirror showsya — an’ get sum real clarity on Inner Leonine Machinations an’ Outer Leonine Showtime.

Meantime, be ready for a boost when the full moon drops in Sajjo on the 9th.

This baby gonna stoke any firesya got burnin’ inya heart an’ fillya fulla firebrand courage for what is essentially a tricky month.

Evryone got a weirdsy ride from mebbe the 9th to the 14th as Joopiter stations an’ switches all direct, Saturn an’ the Sun kickbox the shit outta one another, an’ Neptoon goes retro.

Effect gonna be kinda likeya go to bed packin’ a dog for a pet only to wake an’ discover you now got a cat.

2017 gonna roll over an’ change into sum crazy new creature, an’ you gotta stay onya feet.

So make with the mirror — who am I to the outside world? who am I jus’ for me? — an’ keep tabs on whatya find as the celestial energies switch an’ change.

Mars gonna pull onya inner strings, so expect searin’ home truths; Mercury gonna rollya outer Leo on out, so expectya social reach to widen, if mebbe erratically.

Also, do not mind a less than generous helpin’ of customary rowdy.

You gonna getchya chance later on in the year for alla that when shit settles down.

For now, reflect & reflect…

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VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd

What is it with burger cheese anyways?

I figure the burger giants avoid usin’ regular cheese cos that would jus’ be like eatin’ … regular cheese.

Kinda, you bite in, an’ the cheese is melted, but it is melted only in that regular melty cheese kinda way, so you get on an’ chomp, an’ then take another bite, an’ mebbe only wipe onya chops if sum squirty relish squeezes out.

But fuckin’ burger cheese don’t do that.

It is stringy an’ drippy an’ unkind to chin an’ blouse alike.

Bite on burger cheese an’ it is like Mr Fantastic’s congealed frickin’ semen.

Deliver us REAL CHEESE, plz, burger guys!

What Has Burger Cheese Got To Do With My Stars, O Princess?

K, so I figure June gonna be a pain in the ass.

But where most people gonna get a burger cheese experience, you gonna figure on the less irritatin’ regular cheese option — with possible bonus choices regardin’ throwin’ in gherkins or extra onion.

Venus in Taurus for mosta June smooths over sum otherwise difficult planetary movements (an’ their efffects).

Thing about burgers is, evrythin’ depends on the way the buns hold together.

Ever had that thing where the meat kinda squishes around, mebbe even flops outta the buns altogether?

Starta the month, Joopiter stations an’ goes retro — in Libra.

This means problem bun co-ordination.

I figure Virgo fears this situation more’n most — cheese an’ relish all over, flyin’ burger embarrassment.

Tellya, as June rolls, this is how shit gonna be with the people inya life.

Relationships previously graspable (bun-burger-bun) gonna flux out on the melted cheesa change (squisho meato!) an’ mess shit up big time.

When Saturn an’ the Sun collide 12-14th, mebbe that burger gonna whoosh from betweenya buns an’ hit a blind woman in the chops.

You gonna be glad Venus bowledya regular cheese, for sure.

This is one messy an’ trooly awkward time gonna testya desire for order, cleanliness an’ kindness.

Las’ thingya want is Reed Richards’ dick cheese.

Meanwhile, either sidea this tricky period you got real opportoonities to connect with people, spesho durin’ the Cancer noo moon on the 23rd.

Top Tip?

Pack sum napkins.

Evryone gonna need their lips wipin’, an’ this is a great chance to go play nursie.

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LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

Wanna know the talent show act I’m dyin’ to see?

It is a variation on the dog leaps through hoop theme.

First parta the trick, sum big dog leaps through the hoop.

But she got a mutt assistant runnin’ from the other direction — a weenie dog, all perkybouncy an’ superzippy.

But uh oh — weenie dog is way too small to leap through the hoop!

An’ surely she will collide with the big dog!

But that is why I figure this would make such a cool talent show trick.

See, cos as the big dog emerges from the hoop, the little dog jumps on its back an’ vaults waaaaaaay over the hoop.

I would so love to see that trick.

I would also love to know how Librans gonna figure Joopiter gowin’ direct as the perkybouncy Moon swings full on in Sagittarius.

Big ole relationship opportoonities reboot jus’ as crazed wanderlust receives a level up.

Let’s consider this from the pooch stunt perspective…

1) Big dog squashes weenie dog.

2) Weenie dog misses big dog.

3) Weenie dog collides with hoop.

4) Big dog eats hoop.

5) Big dog eats hoop and weenie dog.

(Hoop, btw, is the ringsa Saturn — takin’ on the Sun with full-on Capricornian bloodlust mid-month. I got helpful suggestions for most other signs ‘bout this confrontational mindfuck, but prolly the best thing for lyrical Libra isto book a room in a cheap motel an’ HIDE. That way, you can channel what is comin’ into mebbe a novella or enthoosiastic-but-kinda-weirdsy harmonica solo.)

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SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

Gotta love mysticism on the flipper!

It is like cream on strawberries, fun bunny ears on kids at Easter, dimples on donuts so way on … on … they become holes.

You got two components to this Scorp-enhancin’ celestial phenomenon, O spiky-tailed poison jabber.

First is Venus in Taurus — not immediately beneficient, cos all things Tauro kinda sit oppostie your mojo an’ kinda BUG as they BLESS, but Venus is happy there, an’ ultimately, you gonna be that way also.

Big deal is Neptoon retro from the 16th.

Inner life gonna rock out fulla glories — the kinda insights an’ revelations giveya armor an’ strategies when times’re tough.

Neptoon retro in Pisces is a wishin’ well fulla profundity — an’ cos Venus is in Taurus, you gonna see evrythin’ with the colors switched round 180 degrees.

White gonna be black, black gonna be white, cerise gonna be mebbe umber (tbh, I dunno ‘bout that last part, but what I am sayin’ is howya nebulous inner world gonna have weirdly-hued illoomination letsya navigate the landscape — all super useful whenya get past feelin’ like you been shoved down sum 60s pop art icon’s psychedelic dick toob).

In short — superlative inner prescience is thine!

Problemya got is how alla this insight gonna drop a weeny bit too late. Ulp.

Two rockers gonna hitya first.

Joopiter makes the move backta direct motion on the 9th, an’ bein’ super sensitive person (meanin’ ‘aware’, not ‘I cry all the time’, natch) you gonna register profound shifts in how people deal with one another.

Unsettlin’ & disturbin’ — even ifya are only an observer lookin’ in on the mayhem.

Timeya really wanna figure on inner clarity an’ resolve drops jus’ before the Neptoon deal when the Sun opposes Saturn in downtown Grindyatitsoff.

See, that dilemma you got been lurkin’ for a while — that choice you don’t wanna make, that decision gonna change stuff, that moment gonna revealya as especially vulnerable, mebbe even culpable or to blame.

An’ there is no escape.

So, go survive, as usual — it is only celestial scrutiny of a particularly total an’ unyieldin’ kind.

Way better than bein’ eaten by a bear!

But there are lessons here forya, an’ they will flow fromya soul from the 16th, prolly rockin’ out on the noo Moon in Cancer on the 23rd.

Point is, 2017 changes direction this month.

An’ you got mebbe more stuff than most wrapped up inside gotta shift sum on the flip…

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SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

Full Moon in Saj is comin’ this month — an’ it is your one big chance to power up an’ romp out fulla certainty.

(Technically, that ain’t true of course, cos certainty is a precious commodity typically held in secret bunkers by manipulative types intent on fuckin’ you over, but even so, you can have confidence in any decisions or feelings you got on the 9th.)

What makes this moon super special is how it coincides with Joopiter’s return to direct activity.

Joopiter is home world for Sajjos, an’ his recent retro phase (in irritatingly unimmoddest Libra) has mebbe reinedya in a little; for sure it has gonna cast weird shadows on alla your person landscapes.

Cos it is so true, ain’t it — how people open up plateauxsa experience?

Noo places, noo adventures, noo possibilities — all come bundled with noo people alongside alla the general self-startin’ rompo.

Point is, alla this gonna shift sum, an’ you get to decide which person landscapes gonna run for resta 2017.

Elsewhere in this month’s scopes I been pointin’ out a Trio Cataclysmo gonna turn 2017 around sum.

The Joopiter deal is the first parta this story, workin’ out good for Saj.

Next part ain’t so sweet — actschly it is kinda nipples prised from flesh with celestial scalpel — but you escape the pain better than most.

Sun in Gemini meets Saturn in Sagittarius is a real big astrological confrontation, right up there with Sun Fucks Off To Other Solar System.

Hard choices, tough times, for sure — but that Sajjo aspect isya chance to change the landscapea your own social milieux (on the understandin’ that Saturn gonna make summa the choices forya!)

So that is jus’ after your glorious full moon — but then comes the wobbly legs part.

As the person landscapes shift — some permanently, some jus’ kinda weird — you gonna feel like you rode sum bike over a highway made outta dead knights in armor.

Sore ass, jelly legs, unstable balance — welcome to Neptoon retro in Pisces!

Thing is, less’n you live sumplace frickin’ stoopid like … anywhere with snow … June got the default advantagea bein’ mostly warm an’ sweet, so ifya legs collapse outta Neptoonion vaguery, you can jus’ flop out on the beach or head for the nearest sun lounger, there to bask with a good book gonna distractya from the minor oblivionya jus’ experienced…

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CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

Thing about Capricorns is howya are soooo strategic.

So right now you got Gemini Time.

It is frivolous, it is provocative, it is fun fun fun.

Without wantin’ to portray you as a stick-in-the-mud dictator-type incapablea smilin’, I would wanna say these three qualities — effusively inya face mosta June — are not toppa your hitlista virtues.

Gotta figure you would wanna roll with insane diligence, vengeful retribution an’ poker face mentality so deep it runs all the way through to your ass.

Alla which is real good news!

Cos your home world Saturn gonna piss crazysnakes whiffcheese on alla the stoopid when he rolls out a big time whump ‘gainst the Sun kinda 12-14th.

For you, it is gonna feel like winnin’ alla the games at sum other fucker’s kiddy party — an’ makin’ her cry.

tbh, evryone got sumthin’ of a reeboot happnin’ in June, but I figure this moment is kinda cool cozza how it realigns stuff in your goatly direction at a time when alla these Gemini wreckers are at their most Peter Pan in glitzy noo tights mode.

The Saturn deal is onea two stabilizin’ stop-offs in a month bustin’ out on mostly irritation.

Second is the noo Moon in Cancer on the 23rd.

Gonna freakya out, same as usual, but I figure regularitya any kind is whereya are at, even if it is troublingly emotional an’ unpleasant.

Ha!

I am only jokin’ — that Moon gonna spin out on positive energies runnin’ mosta the month thanks to Venus in Taurus.

Thing is, feelin’ thwarted is parta the Capricorn deal, even whenya are winnin’, but I figure June got less thwart power coursin’ through its veins in your direction.

So mebbe go revisit plans not quite turned out so good yet.

It is prolly their time…

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AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

K, so it is time to play … Slug & Salad!

The fun noo thought exercise game pits YOU (ie the slug) versus the unyieldin’ Cosmos (ie evrythin’ stands between you [the slug] an’ the salad!)

Rules’re pretty simple — you gotta slitherya sluggerly Aquarian ass across sand an’ do battle with five killer adversaries along the way!

It is your rubbery sliminess versus a quinteta philosophical monsters — an’ the winner gonna chew sweet on lettuce!

You ready?

Course I Am Ready, You Ditz — I Am A Futuresum Aquarian Whose Eyeballs Are Always Trained on The Beyond!

Gotta love an asshole!

So, hey — here are your five…

1) Full Moon Sajjo, June 9th — A juicy strawberry blocks your path! Do you munch early an’ risk missin’ out on killer lettuce further down the line? Or shouldya schloop on round what is essentially a DANGEROUS DISTRACTION?

2) Joopiter switches outta retro, June 9th — Whatever your strawberry decision, please be aware the cameras are rollin’ on your gastropod slither! Moolah is changin’ hands! Odds’re bein’ figured! People all over are lookin’ at ALLA THE AQUARIAN SLUGS MAKIN’ WITH THE SCHLOOPY RN & thinkin’ which wibble-headed sucker am I gonna back when alla this is over? You pleasin’ the crowd — or bein’ your usual obtuse self?

3) Sun opposes Saturn in Sajjo, June 12-14th — Uh oh! Razor blades! No way round ‘em, no way back — an’ the lettuce is visible on the horizon! Only way through ista lose a pounda flesh from sumplace. What a crap coupla days to not be a lizard on the sheddo!

4) Neptoon retro, June 16th — Quicksand! An’ by that, I mean one single grain in a bucket fulla water! Inya sluggerly Aquarian brain, you wanna reach on over to the soooo close lettuce an’ grab a leaf gonna fix up a boat. Instead, you gotta swim deep in emotional waters — breast strokin’ vigorously with those wibblers in overdrive as propellors!

5) Noo Moon in Cancer, June 23rd — Lettuce is close, but you are onya las’ legs now (or should I say las’ goo-drenched sucker). Emotions run high, desire prolly squirts outta the holes either sideaya purty little face — but the crowd wantsta makeya suffer! See how they toss lettuce back behindya? Along with a coupla bunchesa kale an’ a real neat spinach leaf? How your heartstring’re tugged, how your temptation is unscrupulously wanked!

Thing is, you figure on alla that, you kinda gamify what is for sum other signs a real Trial By Celestial Body kinda month.

Sun is in sister Gemini first halfa June, so at least the sand gonna glisten all sparkly…

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PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

Thing about writin’ horoscopes is how the unfoldin’ celestial array meets powersa prescience bestowed upon me by Mother Cosmosis herself meets frankly uberditzoid Gemini-spawned distracto.

So, backa my mind as I have endeavored to make sum sense outta celestial schwango gonna hit home on evryone this month from outta Joopiter, Neptoon, Saturn & the two main moons, I still got half an eye on my movie idea dropped halfway through sortin’ out Taurus’ oraclasmin’.

Right now, I got Benedict Cumberbatch, Matt Damon an’ Scarlett Johansson battlin’ for the Universe against a buncha reptiles aboard a cargo ship fulla Swoon Tombs.

(A Swoon Tomb is an iron maiden packin’ vibratin’ realistic dildos insteada spikes btw.)

Thing is, should this be a blockbuster movie or a theme park?

Cut that iron maiden in half, an’ you got a coupla cushy sex massage pods gonna slide down a rollercoaster track real neato.

All the thrillsa a regular white knuckle ride! All the tantalizin’ juice-up potentiala dildos buzzin’ in a split coccoona pleasure!

Srsly tho, June is kinda May Part II for you fishy types in sum respects.

Sun in Taurus rocked out pretty neat back then, an’ now Venus in Taurus gonna switch out honey for mebbe milkshake.

Jus’ gotta watch for unpleasantness mid-month when Saturn punches way above its weight an’ opposes the Sun.

Big thumb gonna appear from outta the clouds an’ pinya to the ground so hard you gonna strain to breathe.

Thenya gonna get THE QUESTION.

No escape, no playin’ dead — this is ‘fess up time, an’ it is kinda painful.

But like alla Saturn’s tough life lessons, you gonna die on the fuckin’ spot emerge stronger, more determined, an’ with skin so denoodeda excess flaky stuff it gonna feel like you been peeled.

Heads up then for a switchout to Cancer, incloodin’ a noo moon I will mebbe say sumthin’ about closer to the time on my Tumblr hangout.

That vibe should suitya softsum mojo prolly better than the Gemini deal playin’ out right now an—

matchin’ his & hers vibro hammocks!

That is my noo business idea!

Way cheaper than shellin’ out big time bucks for Benedict Cumberbatch or an architectural monstrosity gonna pierce the clouds.

In- home stimulation for couples wanna swing & jiz!

Gonna get backtchya on this baby, tellya…

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WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

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Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?