Horoscope Archive July 2017 2017-07-31T10:27:26+00:00

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

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Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — Jooly '17

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Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

July 2017 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for fortune in july
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ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

What in fuck is the pointa cryogenesis?

‘Specially in July?

Gotta figure the insanely rich are equally insanely stoopid when it comes to the BTW YOU ARE ACTSCHLY MORTAL deal.

Yeah, cos that $250 trillion they shell out per hour to have their heads or fingers or sliversa piss flaps entombed in sum liquid nitrogen cocktail would go much further much neater if it were set aside for the frickin’ hairdo budget.

Better still — save sum fuckin’ elephants, why dontcha?

Or bats?

Stoopid insanely rich people piss me off big time with their cryogenesis, tellya.

Anyways, point about July for thee, dear Aries, is how it has got a kinda cryogenetic feel — particularly round the rim where juices typically spill over.

Why so?

Sun is on a roll in feelsy cardinal crab territory, alla which is kinda dampin’.

An’ Neptoon retro in Pisces don’t help on the HEY I’M SO FIERY & SPONTANEOUS! FFS GET ME OUTTA THIS WATERY HELLHOLE! ticket.

But there is stuffya can do — real cool stuff.

Jus’ gotta clear the 2nd & its Mars/Plooto standoff stinker an’ lay low till the 6th.

Gonna feel likeya are lava seepin’ out onto a glacier, kinda will I make it across the ice before I turn to stone?

Trust to favorable winds here, notably Venus in Gemini an’ Mercury in Leo.

They gonna add serious flourish to your flame an’ spark up the kinda magic does the bestest work.

I am thinkin’ Harry Potter here — beleaguered an’ down to his last.

His wand is all bent, his energies spent — yet still he pulls the rabbit outta the hat an’ delivers an impressive result despite limited resources.

Way I see it, mid-July prolly gonna be the closest you ever gonna get to feelin’ like a Virgo.

Lotsa real cool offers here, so take ‘em — an’ be ready to roll with renewed firepower when Sun & Mars hit Leo after the 21st.

Summary: Considered cool generates considerable heat (for only $250 trillion per piss flap).

Ifya have enjoyed readin’ this insightful forecast an’ now feel spunkier, lither an’ more cerebrally empowered thanya did before, may I recommend this blog post about Stillness For Fire Signs as your next interwebs hangout beforeya go check on LOLcats, porno or *25% reduction* undergarments.

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TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

Sumthin’ ‘bout Cancer season suitsa real sweet.

She is a friendly & benevolent epoch — soft an’ slow, lackin’ essential violence, an’ packin’ generous Chardonnay sup-outs.

But here’s the thing.

Ain’t it a fucker whenya realise sweetness comes in degrees?

There is sweet, real sweet, an’ mebbe not so sweet.

An’ between mebbe not so sweet an’ sweet there is kinda sweet.

An’ so it goes.

Suddenly you are fluffin’ up an already fluffed pillow, not entirely comfortable with sumthin’ entirely comfortin’ — an’ it is annoyin’.

Thankfully, this July got sum real astrological howlers gonna takeya mind offa this different kindsa sweet dilemma.

A few gonna be so trooly frickin’ horrendous, you gonna be screamin’ for that comfycosy Cancerian pillow, even if she been savaged by a dog, peed on by a baby an’ knit back together with wire.

See, cos July pulses out on horror shock moments — whipcracks outta the ether gonna draw blood fromya purty butt cheeks.

Sun in Cancer squares Libra in Joopiter on the 6th — an’ that is gonna smackya real hard in the vibehole.

To hell with that easy contentment oozes all natural from outtaya!

But hey, I toldya it is comin’, so make with the prep & you gonna survive (unlessya are stoppin’ by here real late an’ your world has already ended — in which case get back here August 1st for my next insightfully horoscopular round or be eternally cursed as a super lame asshole).

Expect another hard thump on the 9th when the Capricorn full Moon drops all conjuncto with Cappy in Plooto.

Bleak finality beckons!

Prolly I will say more on this closer to the time on Twitter an’ Tumblr when I got morea a feel for what is gowin’ down (an’ I have had more opportoonity to make shit up).

Point is, the 9th is real crazysnakes shakedown territory — alla which mean debris.

Ain’t always pleasant, but debris is first thing happens whenya are buildin’ noo stuff, an’ whatever the fallout from this incendiary moon, you gotta think strategic an’ constructive after an’ get makin’ positive foundation stuffs while others flounder.

2 weeksa hard labor?

Yeah so prolly you gotta lock the treats in the freeze-o bunker an’ drill down hard for what feels like it wants to be an easy breezy kinda month — butya are no stranger to necessary sacrifice, am I right?

Expect fruitier developments from the 18th.

Once again, you gonna have sumthin’ people want if’n you doneya homework, an’ from the 21st so much energy figures on the Show & Tell vibe.

This mean the world gonna be swamped by uncharacteristically flauntsy Taureans?

Prolly not!

Oh, but it is sureta be feel good.

Ifya have enjoyed readin’ this insightful forecast an’ now feel zestier, thrillsumlier an’ more spiritually empowered thanya did before, may I recommend this informative blog post about Dragon astrology as your next interwebs hangout beforeya go check on luxury donuts big as a wild boar’s ballsack.

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GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

K, so I am not gonna hijackya horoscope two months runnin’.

Gonna pitchya a serious offer this time round.

Cos I figure the catalytic upstart that is 2017 got real appeal for you twinny types — an’ now it has flipped over into its bold second phase prolly Geminis got plenty to cheer about.

Gossipquake Hits Astrology Central!

So listen, July gonna rock out with juicy like a frickin’ emotional disaster movie.

You won’t be immune from the fallout, but sumthin’ ‘bout the potential adrenaline rush from the forthcomin’ reportage fodder suggests to Moi you gonna buck out on thrills big time.

Lotsa real tricky planetary tango schwango makes for drama an’ upheaval in July, an’ cos alla this drops while the Sun is swimmin’ along in soft & nurturin’ Cancer, the feelo factor gonna be inflated all unpleasant — mainly in sporadic bursts.

So watch for giveaways an’ spilled secrets from the Full Moon on the 9th.

Major grinder gonna flush a lotta people out, an’ bein’ super quick to adapt, you got a real opportoonity to put celestial change to work to your advantage.

Jus’ be aware your own feelings gonna take a whump also.

I am all for promotin’ the integrated & holistic person, but this is one time whenya famed duality gonna saveya ass.

One twin, she gets to feel it all; other twin gets to analyse objectively an’ lay on reassurin’ hugs, K?

(I knowya done this before, jus’ sayin’…)

Point is, Venus in Gemini for mosta the month sets you up real neat to pick apart alla the emotional upheaval an’ fine tune it across a rangea people an’ environments.

Gossip, news, advice, secrets — you got plenty material gonna inspire change, large & small.

Jus’ gotta watch for recklessness cos your home planet Mercury is rompin’ it in showy Leo, so mebbe go join a band for a fortnight an’ screamya tits off.

Ifya have enjoyed readin’ this insightful forecast an’ now feel bouncier, hotter an’ more procreatively whumpsum thanya did before, may I recommend this stoopid Astro Quiz as your next interwebs hangout beforeya go check on discount vibratory thrills. I plotted this sucker out alongside sum serious neuroscience types so it is the absolute, objective truth. We studied alpha brainwaves in mice, beta kidneywaves in sheep, an’ cross-referenced alla the data against evry ephemeris ever charted — all usin’ algorithms so sophisticated even the genius savant who thunk ‘em up don’t understand the fuck how they work. Likely this is the most seriously accurate astro quiz happnin’ on the internets — the surefire clincher gonna reveal once an’ for all whetherya are an astro aficionado or … not. Like I said, you can quit here now an’ go browse the dildos over at insertable-inscrutable daaaht kaaahm, but I would always wanna help people develop their cerebral prowess an’ broaden their astro-fact horizons. Jus’ sayin’.

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CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

Gotta figure you are the baboon’s butt cheeks right now.

Full on frontal backstory, raised in the air all red & proud — an’ pulsatin’ with pure desire.

For sure, red roses got a similar vibe, an’ prolly they would suitya any other timea year, but the current Cancer period demands more openly provocative imagry.

Thing is, July is all about ridin’ the sweet nightmare.

Highs an’ lows, full swoops an’ swerves, blissful oblivion.

An’ I would wantya to consider the difference between murk an’ fog.

Both got obfuscatin’ swirls, but down deep in the murk there be oysters an’ clams insteada vultures — the inner livesa others, kept all secret, never to be shared.

Emotional planetary tide means summa these people gonna be split open an’ rendered all super vulnerable, an’ unlike you, they mebbe lack strength to cope with what’s insidea ‘em.

I am thinkin’ here mebbea the three big Cancerswamps gowin’ down in July — romper heart tugs gonna pull the unwary into the depths.

(Notice how I dispense with the baboon ass imagry here. My inner empath is on a roll, tellya).

Month begins with Mars in Cancer opposin’ retro Plooto in Capricorn.

Shells split, gooey insides seep into the salty gloom.

You will taste this onya lips.

Venus hits Gemini on the 5th, prolly you got plans for fam, friends — an’ distant strangers — sum feel on who needsya special counsel the most.

Desperate souls call out, an’ on the 6th, Sun is square Joopiter in Libra & trine Neptoon retro in Pisces, so you gotta followya heart on this one — jus’ like how medics attend to the quiet ones first in an emergency over the wailin’ & quiverin’ anguished.

9th is Major Reachout — full Moon conjunct Plooto in Capricorn, Sun opposite Plooto retro.

You want life & death transformationals, you got ‘em!

An’ you got energy swingin’ behindya gonna mean you can make a real big difference to plentya people — real frickin’ Cancerian heroics, K?

That kinda figuresya mission this month, an’ I figureya mebbe gonna be swept offaya iddy biddy crabby feet.

Jus’ watch out for unkind words on the 18th.

Weird an’ stoopid, but sumetimes the people most in need reject any help they may be given.

Asya know, this is all karmic flux an’ bucks, an’ when times change an’ you are in trouble these selfish cunts gonna ignoreya your selfless spirit gonna be rewarded (even if it is only a crappily embroidered napkin with your name spelled all wrong on it).

Ifya have enjoyed readin’ this emotionally charged & baboon-friendly forecast an’ now feel stabler, inspireder an’ more superheroically intuitive thanya did before, may I recommend this reflection on the natura resolootion in the facea time’s mortality-propulsin’ finality as your next interwebs hangout beforeya go check on bunnies or offensive butt cheek tattoosya got no intention evera havin’ fixed up … butchya still wanna drool.

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LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

Trust me, I know how special Cancer time is for you Leo types.

Gotta thinkya are burstin’ with all things positive right now, kinda walkin’ on air an’pirouettin’ on dreams.

Cos you seen alla the Zodiac have their special moments.

Sajjo back in December, Aries in April — an’ now Cancer in luscious July.

An’ this can only mean one thing.

YOUR FUCKIN’ TURN NEXT!

YOUR FUCKIN’ TURN NEXT!

YOUR FUCKIN’ TURN NEXT!

WOO HOO! WOO HOO! WOO HOO!

Ain’t it true how this moment is universally described by astrologers an’ astrolodjinni’s worldwide as “a most emotionally charged time, where inner feelings rise to the surface and offer themselves up to another’s touch”?

Away bad vibes say you are a flauntsy asshole!

Why, this whole Cancer deal is such spectacular PREPARATION for YOUR SHOW!

So listen, I figureya got the party all planned out — complete with Libra dance troupe an’ sum stoopidly overpriced magician — but I wanna warnya not to blow your big invite too early.

Gotta figure Hollywood is as much about the trailer as it is the actual movie.

So mebbe wait on all big nooz releases till the 8th.

** Perfect frickin’ timin’. **

Mercury enters Leo on the 6h an’ sextiles Venus in Gemini on the 8th jus’ before an emotionally charged full moon on the 9th.

Aw gosh, it is almost as if Mother Cosmosis has stage-managed your forthcomin’ birthday arrangements herself!

How HAPPY you gonna make evryone withya pizzazz-packed birthday party announcements!

Tellya, you prolly wanna hire that Libra dance troupe early, get ‘em high kickin’ down the street an’ blowin’ on bugles — jus’ so’s evryone cryin’ their eyes out in July’s heartfelt turbulence got sumthin’ positive on the horizon.

Coolest thing — early Summer sales mean your birthday gift list ain’t gonna break the frickin’ bank.

Party guests could even stretch to 2 gifts each.

Main deal for all Leos — even those got August party bonanzas — gotta be weekenda the 20th-23rd … rollin’ out to the 26th.

Lotsa bloomlicious lusho comin’ your way, sweetie — an’ you gonna be so trooly beautiful.

Mars hits Leo, Sun hits Leo, Noo Moon drops in Leo, Sun & Mars kiss up in Leo

Ooh ooh ohh, what a killer frickin’ Leonine quartet!

Swing this baby full-on, you got no runna days more empowerin’ this year, tellya…

Ifya have enjoyed readin’ this enterprisin’ & inspirin’ forecast an’ now believe Moi to be an astrological goddess incarnate, may I recommend this handy guide to gettin’ the most outta your fyooture horoscopes as your next interwebs hangout beforeya go check on gifts for under $200, Libran dance troupe hire an’ anti-knobcheese ointment.

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VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd

I am officially Lizard Bananas!

Tellya, I had a killer opportoonity to check out sum serious reptiles first hand las’ month — an’ now I am hooked.

For the record, we are not talkin’ monster Komodo Dragons or snakes here; pointa fact, ‘we’ are not really talkin’ at all.

Cos I am over here all blogolicious at Balestra Apartment Central an’ you are n readin’ mode over at … well, I dunno.

Jus’ where are you right now in punchy wunchy July?

You’re The Astrologer. You Tell Me.

K, so be like that, FFS.

You wannit honest an’ straight, here it is.

Gotta tellya, you ain’t no different from anya the other 11 star signs.

Go remindya self what happened in June — when 2017 switched course an’ rolled over.

Now take a look at that skinna yours — that ultimate extensiona your bein’ you pamper with creams an’ cosmetics an’ weirdo flora from the ocean bed.

Notice anythin’?

Dry areas? Cracks? Scaly slivers peelin’ away?

This is change, my sweet — change.

An’ we all gowin’ through it in July, rollin’ out on an emotional Cancerian whumpfest that cracketh off big time on the 2nd, smacksya hard in the chops on the 9th, an’ pulses achingly till the 20th when evry frickin’ Leo on the planet busts the fuck outta their traps an’ … dear sweet Jesus, yanno the rest.

Point is, bein’ clinical detachment person, ‘steada feelin’ too mucha alla this change, you get to sit an’ watch.

Tellya, skin gonna fall offaya like sum stoopid lizard.

Scale by scale, bit by bit, fallin’ away at random or teased stingingly by your own thumb an’ forefinger whileya other hand grips on tissues gonna soak up the blud.

Okaaaay … So I Got A Quiet Month. That Right?

For sure.

Plenty reflection an’ turnin’ things over asya adjust full on to how 2017 swung around an’spun evryone half crazy.

Result?

Gotta figure on anya the scenes in the Jurassic Park series where weirdo reptiles hop an’ bound across the panorama like fuckin’ gazelles, their scales all vibrant an’ lissom.

As the old You falls away, a whole noo exterior gonna form roundya soul gonna knock evryone dead.

An’ bein’ a Virgo, I knowya gonna count evry last noo scale as it cuts into view…

Ifya have enjoyed readin’ this astrologically lizardine analysis an’ are fully prepared to shed hard an’ scale on up sweet & nouveau, may I recommend this amusin’ diversion showcasin’ death as your next interwebs hangout beforeya go check on that 100-piece tweezer set you been’ eyein’ up on Ebay since frickin’ May.

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LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

Cardinal calamity is afoot — only it ain’t the Libra version.

So let’s ditch reality an’ immerse ourselves in fiction.

I so do not wanna seeya hurt by alla the Cancerian an’ Capricornian duellin’ takin’ place in the Cosmos this July.

So, for your eyes, an’ your eyes only, lemme bringya…

Doe-eyed Diana, The Friendliest L’il Rabbit Ever

One sunny day in the forest, Diana hopped and skipped and bounded along, happy as can be.

Not for her the cognitive dissonance anguish of an unreliable narrator!

“I’m blissfully happy,” she cried — and she knew it to be true. Implicitly.

How else would a truly happy rabbit feel when she was bounding through the forest on her way to visit her Gramma?

“Way to go!” cheered all the forest animals as Diana hopped and somersaulted past their perfectly relaxed and healthy throng. “We hope so very much that you enjoy all the fabulous home-made chocolate your Gramma has lovingly prepared for you!”

Diana’s heart swelled with joy and she skipped right up to Gramma’s cottage with smile after smile beaming from her face.

Gramma was there to greet her — along with Boopsy the dog, Happikins the kitten, and more chirpy squirrels than rolled out of Disney ever.

Together they munched on delicious chocolate round a big table covered in a flowery yellow cloth, and after a day packed with joy and laughter, Diana ambled home feeling naught but contentment, and snuggled up to sleep in her oh-so comfortable bed and was incalculably happy.

THE END

So … uhm … wanna know my biggest problem as a writer?

Sumtimes I do that Mark Twain thing an’ cut back on unnecessary words, which right now means my reassure all Librans story is mebbe too short for this horoscope slot an’ I gotta fill the resta the space this month outlinin’ how very severely you gonna be fucked.

Jus’ do not blame Moi for this, K?

Blame the Cosmos, an’ mebbe blame Mark “lightnin’ bug” Twain.

If your monthly scope were down purely to them, gotta tellya — no frickin’ doe-eyed rabbits!

So listen, way through this is to remember how plentya billionaires’re consructin’ survival bunkers for use in the many shadesa forthcomin’ apocalypse.

Perhaps now is the timeta useya charms on summa these suckers an’ offer to go check out their underground hideaways for spiders or rats.

Rates’re good an’ you gonna be kept in undergarments till mebbe 2075, plusya might pal up with a coolio rodent like the one guy in Harry Potter.

It is either that or Certain Cardinal Calamity Oblivion.

Ifya have enjoyed readin’ this astoot astrological prediction aboutya potential demise (an’ how it might be avoided) an’ you want more stoopid fiction like the frickin’ rabbit thing, only fulla hoomans an’ romance, may I recommend this Valentine’s Day romcombuster as your next interwebs hangout beforeya go check on rainbow plectrums or the noo things the top 10,000 Hollywood celebrities done with their frickin’ hair.

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SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

Summer subterfuge is here.

Behind-the-scenes Plooto slipped even more behind the scenes — yet sumhow his covert liaisons with summa the other planets gonna take center stage this month.

Which makes me kinda wonder about the possibilitya overt subterfuge.

A world fulla magicians pickin’ pockets in full viewa pryin’ eyes — an’ Scorpionic bravado savin’ the day.

So let’s look at summa July’s definin’ Plooto moments.

This is your home world, spinnin’ backwards for sum real neato planetary kiss-ups.

Collision or smoochie, gotta be a tactical player however Plooto makes contact ‘steada sum hapless victim, right?

Prolly most other signs figurin’ Plooto’s effects are on the receivin’ end sumwhat, but you got inflooence.

Evil filth incarnate though he may be, Plooto got a modicuma heart — or why else would he takeya under his Underworld wing an’ inflict a lifetimea sufferin’ ‘ponya ass?

So when retro Plooto in Capricorn opposes Mars in Cancer on the 2nd, it is wail an’ weep finality showdown for prolly most non-Scorpios cozza how nasty ol’ Plooto inflicts his deepest wounds on core emotional schwango.

But you gonna vamp on that sucker.

Plooto demands sacrifice, gotta figure he gonna drop any bounties on you.

So get soulful offa this vibe, K?

Ditto the Full Moon on the 9th.

Wolf, harvest, super, wasp — who fuckin’ cares what kinda fuckin’ moon this is or ain’t, or even what fuckin’ sign she baskin’ in.

Deal this time round is the link-up with Plooto, an’ the Dark Lord’s simultaneous opposition to the Sun.

Which other planet got that kinda power right now?

It is like Zuckerberg walkin’ out on Facebook an’ cosyin’ up with sum rad bodybuildin’ supplement entreprenoor.

Prolly you can go do anythin’ that day — outright master flaunts audacious darkness in the open, kinda thing.

Tellya, it is like Neptoon an’ Plooto took off towards sum sunless sunset obscured by clouds, arm-in-arm an’ hellbent on sum Scorpio-boostin mission.

The world sleeps, or is scared, yet in openly secret spaces between all matter an’ feels, Scorpios prowl in the spotlight, their underhand deeds perfectly visible as momentarily undismissable karate chops.

Prolly sum other astrologer gonna say “July is an emotionally difficult month in which you are guaranteed to anxietify your own nipples off,” but the subterfuge deal is my way more positive POV, if’n that helps…

Ifya have enjoyed the sweet sensationa that poison stingera yours flickin’ up against your back like a waggin’ dog’s tail as a resulta checkin’ in on my super positive Plooto Death Vibe forecast, may I recommend this astro-themed bra guide as a fun diversion prior to you subjectin’ friends an’ enemies alike to the full ferocitya your bein’.

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SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

K, horsey person — timeta lie down withya legs in the air.

You done wanderlust walkabout long enough an’ we gotta massage them achin’ legsa yours.

Dunno, sweetie, sumthin’ ‘bout when the Sun is in Cancer jus’ don’ agree withya, I guess.

It is all so heavy dooty an’ wearyin’, an’ thoughya wanna charge around bein’ life an’ soul, optimistic smile beamin’ offaya face likeya swallowed the the frickin’ Sun, it don’t mebbe play so good … an’ for once … you jus’ so fuckin’ tired an’ deadbeat.

Time To Stretch Out On Princess Balestra’s Massage Table While She Applies Soothing Aromatherapy Oils to Your Beautifully Toned Legs And Kneads Every Inch Of Tension Out Of Them Till They Flop Either Side Of Your Equally Beautifully Toned Body Like Underwatered Flowers Wilting In The Heat Of The Sun

Prolly I should whisper sweet to ya also, kinda encouragin’.

Cos I am feelin’ this too right now an’ I figure we gotta help one another along sum like we were two halvesa the Gemini twinny deal.

That is how they figure stuff, a kinda dualistic inner strength, I guess.

But we is stuck all super lonesum over on the other sidea the Zodiac wheel, an’ the only doublin’ up plurality comin’ our way is a coupla extra frickin’ legs.

So what say I lay down here besideya, an’ you work on my legs while I work on yours?

We gonna stand up again soon enough, tellya.

Then we gonna gallop like fuck — prolly when the Sun drops in Leo for a super fire-fuelled runna days beginnin’ weekenda the 21st.

Ha! I see that gotchya!

L’il twinkle inya horsey eye there, so c’mon roll over an’ I will rub onya back.

Gotta say, I am tryin’ real hard to play along with the whole Cancer deal right now, but it is jus’ the wrong kinda moody for Moi.

Flashpoint stoopido comes kinda easy, but I am less cool with this slow-burn deal throbs like an ache — so when we are done here mebbe come back for more when the Full Moon drops on the 9th?

We got prolly the strongest backs in the Zodiac this sidea Taurus but we ain’t 24/7 superheroes.

Uhm … so, yeah … two horsey centaurs on a massage table!

Like that is a possibility outsidea Twister.

*It is’ jus’ you talkin’ to yourself again, Princess.*

So, listen, horsey person, whoeverya are.

Gotta hope we were kinda up there on that phantom massage table together momentarily — coupla weary smilers takin’ time out from the melancholy sludge slooshin’ round all over.

Shutya eyes, mebbe you got that.

Gonna be cool in jus’ a short while, huh?

Ifya have been touched to the very depthsaya equine soul by this horsey heart-to-heart from outta the ether, may I recommend this 5-step plan for bringin’ a spring-like step to bear onya perambulatories as your next brain-fodder hangout beforeya go check elsewhere on the internets for costly & zany clothin’ accessories gonna makeya look a total asshole.

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CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

Sun in Cancer is a real weird sensation for you guys.

Amidst an odd kinda clarity, there exists confusion, alla which lends a real stop/start quality to your renowned Capricornian plannin’.

Any other sign prolly could cope with this amicably, butchya are less easy-gowin’ when it comes to failure.

Plans gotta work out, right?

An’ if’n they don’t, it is real personal.

So listen up, gotta tellya stakes are real high on that score in July, principally cozza lotsa planetary action inya own sign alongside Underworld rumblings c/o Plooto.

This is real do-or-die either/or stuff — big an’ tough decisions gonna make or break a whole buncha fundamental plans.

Cos I figure you seen 2018 comin’, an’ already 2017 is old nooz.

So what isya modus operandus for siftin’ an’ sortin’ whatchya got in frontaya?

Hey, I Dunno — You Tell Me, Ms Ditziknickers!

K, so I figure a real big partaya thinksya are an island.

Self-sufficient an’ sorted, you can easy peasy pull up the drawbridge, shut out the world, an’ grind down on idiosyncratic projects gonna provide succor tillya are old an’ gray.

But right now that belief gonna be tested; right now you gonna realise jus’ how much shit you wanna callya own is locked up inside other people.

Worse still, summa ‘em are fuckin’ Capricorns also!

What this means, for all them big plansya got, is a momentary cessationa the self-made hermit deal an’ way more horse-tradin’.

Way more horse-tradin’ mebbe than gonna feel comfy.

So get linin’ up those mules & donkeys early asya can.

Get balancin’ plans an’ schedules with the people gonna figure in ‘em sumplace, an’ ‘steada askin’ what can I do to grind out the results I seek, think more like what has this person got gonna help us all along if’n only I could smile an’ fuckin’ unlock this potential?

First buncha horses gonna leap into the unknown from mebbe the 8th thru the 11th as the Moon swells up full in Capricorn.

Hard bargainin’ starts here, an’ not evry strategy gonna work.

You figured yet how easy you piss people off?

All that certainty an’ hard detachment?

Gonna be payback time, tellya.

But as the process rolls along — more inclusive an’ soulful than ever you would wanna — July gonna pick up speed.

Obstacles, relentlessly uyieldin’, mebbe gonna re-present ‘emselves as potentially surmountable — but only ifya take onboard the concepta partnership a little more readily than your habityool Me vs The World mindset.

Ifya have enjoyed readin’ this sage advice for mixin’ up plans with personas, may I recommend this wider analysisa what it meansta be an astrologer jus’ so’s you can be 100% reassured I ain’t shittin’ you here beforeya leave this site an’ go busy your brain lookin’ for sudoku websites got puzzles fulla typos you can complain about.

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AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

Now is the timeta get started on inventin’ that sock-powered cat fang polisher you been wantin’ to unleash on the world sinceya were 6.

“Powered by the passive friction generated between sock and flesh as you walk, this feline-specific dental hygiene system is perfect for maintaining your cat’s teeth in tip-top condition without requiring her to leap or bound great distances.”

Yeah, yeah — so July gonna be a real productive timeta get downta business.

You got Mercury flippin’ out in Gemini an’ plenty work-friendly vibes bustin’ outta Capricorn, so less’n you booked sum stoopid Summer vacation, tide is withya for takin’ your professional pursuits to the next level.

Nuthin’ is gettin’ no cheaper, an’ you gotta figureya value is prolly more than simply bein’ evryone’s favorite crank.

Pull back from the cuttin’ edgea generatin’ noo stuff an’ take a look atchya achievements.

That novelty-seekin’ braina yours — what has it discovered outta nuthin’ this year brought positive changes?

See, I figureya are too often bustin’ out at the edgea invention to trooly appreciate the value left inya wake.

Gonna sound mean, but this kinda forward-alla-the-time POV meansya can end up bein’ a perpetual start-up machine taken for granted.

“Sal will think of something.” “Let me have some ideas, Mikey.” “Sorry to disturb you so early in the morning but our business pitch could use more blue sky … preferably before dawn.”

Conscientious Aquarian novelty machine replies, “that is such fun, let me bowl you a range of options, all of which you’re free to use for the wider benefit of humanity!”

Aw, fuck alla that.

Go remind these leechin’ cunts all the stuffya done an’ ask ‘em straight out how in hell the fuckin’ show ever gonna run withoutya revolutionary input.

Suggest mebbe how your cuttin’ edge braino found another cool creative precipice to dangle from an’ how FFS you wanna raise.

Thing about the cat fang polisher is how easy it is to forget our feline friends got plaque an’ caries also.

Jus’ cos they lick their tinglydanglies 24/7 don’t mean their overall hygiene is all it could be.

Thing is, ifya are a kinda solo entrprenoor Aquarius, payrise argument I jus’ spoke about is harderta fix than ifya got sum goober boss whose loser attitoodya can win over.

Talks an’ negotiations with oneself are always kinda tricky that way, an’ given your habityool detatchment, levelin’ withya own Aquarian You don’t come easy.

So listen, get started on the cat fang deal & roll with the Mercurial energy, jottin’ down ideas asya go.

Big self-negotiation comes enda the month when Leonine action powers up the scene.

Plenty opportoonity then for uppin’ your game an’ re-evaluatin’ whatchya want outta your own input.

Main deal this month: quit thinkin’ like an illoominatin’frippery an’ make like a pro.

Ifya have enjoyed readin’ this skeletal plan for professional success an’ financial gain, may I recommend this scientifically-researched discourse on the relationship between astrology an’ evil imaginary friends as an additional informative read beforeya go visit puss-incisor daaaht kaaahm an’ begin pricin’ up rotatin’ buffers.

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PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

Soft an’ tender, she gonna caress them baby sweets jus’ howya wanna!

(I am speakin’ metaphorically here — it is not like sum nympho gal named after the 7th montha the year gonna sidle up ‘longsideya in Wal-Mart an’ thrust her tongue down the necka your sweater or blouse … though I gotta say, if such a gal were to hit on sumone this way between the pet food section an’ the power tools, gotta figure she would choose a Pisces mebbe 75%a the time.)

Please Say More About My Nipples!

Oh, you mean like how they are connected to your fingertips?

Dunno fully the physiology behind it all but I figureya must have kinda toobs linkin’ your nipples to your super extreme digits that mebbe run alongside alla the veins an’ arteries inya arms.

Coupla minutesa sweet kissin’ onya flippers an’ alla the juice gushin’ along the toob swells outya fingers all straight an’ makesya wanna reach up an’ out.

I seen this in my ephemeris, I swear!

Illoominated script appeared as I was delvin’ into alla the Cancerian an’ Capricornian action gowin’ down — a pulsatin’ glow which shone through the pages to 2085.

“July = nipplelick good for Pisces,” it read.

“And go switch off your oven, your pizza is ready,” it added (because I paid $400 extra for the Kitchen Emergency Prevention Option when I signed up for Astrology School — a bonus I seriously recommend for anyone enrollin’ this October).

Jus’ gotta watch for a coupla too-hard bites 2 flesho along the way.

Full moon on the 9th is a bumpy ride for most evryone, an’ I would wanna pick out the 24th as bein’ kinda uncomfy for fishy types on accounta the Venus-Saturn opposition blowin’ all airy an’ fiery.

Meantime, jus’ hitch offya top an’ kick back with mebbe a coconut-rich cocktail.

Cancer mood is high, an’ this whole vibe got affinity with selfless an’ compassionate souls as are floatsy dreasy fishes.

Moment comes, prolly it is gonna feel like a celestial thank you — divine bliss from on high administered direct to nippo & areoli.

Mebbe sum time after the 8th, risin’ an’ fallin’ for mosta July an’ peakin’ prolly 8pm?

Gotta enjoy it is all I know.

2017 seen freaky times forya, Pisces, but this one moment is sweet.

Ifya have enjoyed readin’ this holistically transformative boobie buster an’ now feel more intoxicated than a dehydrated sponge flung in a bucketa tequila, may I recommend this Pisces-specific blog post gonna remindya where it’s frickin’ at in this harsh maelstrom we wanna call life. Sure beats quittin’ here to go shop for fuckin’ household cleanin’ flooids, necessary as that may be…

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WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

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Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?