Horoscope Archive Febroooary 2018<span class="sdata2" title="2018-04-02T09:24:47+00:00"></span>

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

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Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — Feb '18

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Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

Febroooary 2018 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for luck fame & fortune in february 2018
horoscope fate future stars prediction

ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

NEED HOT TIPS FOR GETTIN’ THE MOST OUTTA YOUR HOROSCOPE?

Count Me The Hell On In, Sister!

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

Thing I love best ‘bout the relentless marcha time as manifested in the switchout from Janyooary to Febroooary (when evrywan curls into a fuckin’ ball an’ DIES cos Christmas is OVER an’ the Noo Year is BUSTED an’ the world gonna end for sure, jus’ like it did las’ year)?

Gotta be ARIES … bippety boopsyin’ along with a head fulla spunk an’ a hornpants locker swishin’ with superhot juice.

Tellya, there is a real sweet affinity between Aries an’ the Aquarius vibe — an’ Febroooary dishes three hot weeksa incendiary revolution action before … uhm … K, so I will get to that part later.

Jus’ gotta remember the astro deal we all got gowin’ so far.

It is a thunderclap celestial narrative gonna boom on out toward 2020 — also a monster opportoonity for me to flag up old blaaahg posts & shamelessly self-promote my considerable astrological acumen …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Lotsa heavy dooty energies’re now swingin’ out all airy fairy ditzgasm as our spiritual wellspring — emboldened by Sagittarian romp an’ Capricornian essentials — fills with inspiration so sweet we gonna pee our pants.

Febroooary 7th & 14th are real cool days for the Aries/Aquarius mojo, so book yourself a seat at the diner packs max options for reckless adventure on a geniusly proactive ticket.

Be aware also that the stars’re kinda rollin’ over now like plot changes foreshadowed in a masterclass novel.

Pisces picks up the baton from the 18th, an’ both Mercury an’ Venus drop the week before to herald the impending change.

Grind turns to sugar, strife turns to mellow contentment — an’ evry ugly gargoyle on evry imposin’ cathedral sprouts rainbow-colored wings an’ a 24/7 bunny aura.

Plenty people love this groove, but it is perhaps not the most action-packed we got in the Zodiac whirl, so take care not to dissolve in the meditative fuckin’ blancmange.

Power up for the first 3 weeks, grab the Aquarius Noo Moon on the 15th firmly by the horns, an’ watchya energy levels on the tits-sappin’ 25th — an’ prolly you gonna get a cool tonna shit outta Febroooary.

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TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

Gotta figure in evry Taurus brain there is a KEY SYNAPSE.

Like a seed planted in the soil long ago by a Goddess packin’ accessory growth flooids an’ a waterin’ can, the synapse sits in the foldsa the cerebral tissue, waitin’ for its moment to shine.

Can’t ever be sure precisely where an’ when this moo cow miracle gonna leap into action an’ perform its magic, but like all Taurean bounties, it ain’t never gonna fail.

Prolly that synapse will spark up THIS MONTH, could even be around approximately kinda the 10th — when home world Venus oozes into an exalted relationship with Pisces.

It is that glimmer, that glow, that KA-ZING — that sense you got ‘bout imminent Spring.

One synapse. One thought. One sea change.

Gotta figure for you Taurus types, this simple clarion call to arms (as the cyclic growth wheel kicks into gear anew) represents inspiration in its purest form.

So if I am WRONG an’ this DON’T HAPPEN — looks like your Noo Year Low Carb & Certainly No Cakes of Any Kind No No No Diet is well an’ trooly CUNTED.

Meantime, you gotta hold fast to the unfoldin’ astro narrative floppin’ around on the Cosmic breadboard like enthoosiastically kneaded dough …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Febroooary’s essentially Aquarian buzz might rankle withya, but you still got monster Capricorn stuffs underpinnin’ the show to keepya powerin’ on all productive without gowin’ off at no ditzoid tangent.

But I would wanna suggest the Noo Moon on the 15th offers scope for sum kinda internal review (an’ I am talkin’ here ‘bout makin’ with the productively reflective rather than stickin’ a torch upya asshole).

There is a necessity for us to fine toon our energies an’ beat ourselves into sum kinda authentic shape, an’ while that vibe suitsya stabilisin’ sensibilites, sumtimes even So Right About How Shit Works Taurus gotta watch for when shit gets more stuck than stable.

Aquarian Noo Moon revolution might helpya with that — another brief moment packin’ refinement & evolution smarts as will makeya even more yummy an’ desirable.

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GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

We got air, we got space, we got electricity zappin’ offa our nipples!

Ooh ooh, it is Sparky ol’ Aquarius time — when we can speak real free an’ easy, want for no limits on our incandescent zaniness, an’ let our hair so goddamn down that our natural levity shocks it back on up into speartip mohawk mode like no artificial hair products can!

Time to excel at conjurin’ cool ideas with a flourish gonna jolt the fuck outta the WTFsayers.

Aquarian rebellion is yours to misuse so’s you can naughty up this lame an’ borin’ world.

Smartest deal?

Venus an’ Uranus lend an irresistible audacity to your observations an’ proclamations, an’ with Mercury cuttin’ fast an’ loose withya ultrawitty jib, there is nuthin’ you cannot energize withya unique spin.

We got a real shift takin’ place rn as plenty hardcore astro energies receive a rejuvenatin’ kick up the ass — kinda like a monster rectal blockage bein’ pumped fulla champagne enema …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Thing you really gotta watch for is the Noo Moon on the 15th.

She is action-packed an’ disruptively propulsive, an’ as an air sign you gonna find that exhilaratin’.

Problem mebbe is what happens next.

Imagine the ultimate sugar rush — so intense it makesya orgasm adrenaline from underya toenails — an’ then consider howya gonna feel if the Poop Gods banned sugar for A WHOLE YEAR!

17th-18th drops a superweirdsy planetary combo gonna haveya reelin’ if’n you don’t see it comin’.

Sun/Mercury meet-up in Aquarius extends the Noo Moon vibe BUT mebbe in the same kinda way as in a dream whenya wanna run … or need to run … butchya cannot.

This is bcs Mars an’ Neptoon go Fuckabout together, leavin’ zest an’ zeal in a kinda vacuum ifya are not careful.

Best strategy?

Pack an inspirational bookya can dip into when the zesty frisson threatens to evaporate — or mebbe fix up a ballistic playlist makesya wanna throw on spangly garments an’ dance till you got zero flooids left inya body anya turn to dust like a vampire.

Want more hot astrology? So much hot astrology that your pants spontaneously ignite an’ Replacement Eyebrows Online spam you with promo till 2027? Here at Princess Balestra Daaaht Kaaahm, our aim is to fillya up so full with gloriously cogent astrological smarts that you either gonna burst or puke. We call it the Zero Schwango Diet — an’ we proffer it in chunkilicious-sized daily bites over on Twitter as Today’s Astrology Story. We also got random Astro-Tumblr Treats, an’ when we ain’t ditzin’ out on Sagittarian Firepower adventures, prolly we might even get our shit together enough to hack out an informative blaaahg post gonna perk upya astro boobies.

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CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

Gotta figure if Janyooary felt likeya were bein’ bombarded, Febroooary gonna usher in a bathtub fulla sweet-scented bubbles.

Two kindsa bubbles are on offer — both packin’ quintessential globular plus points from right outta the stargazy panorama’s hottest Mwah Mwah Mwah locker.

Thing is, we got Aquarius season buzzin’ off rn … an’ that is real neato for bathtime bubbles.

It is like sumone distilled the champagne essence an’ recrafted it as material sensation, so whenya first dipya ass & contact-hooverin’ tinglydanglies toppa the bubble cloud, an electrifyin’ frisson energizes them ole pubic antennae & zips a sweeto smile fronta your face.

Course, when Aquarian bubble energy becomes too intense, same ligtnin’ spark buzzola can feel like an ogre rammed a cattle prod halfway upya fanj, so you gotta take care, I guess — an’ mebbe the Noo Moon on the 15th packs summa that shell-shatterin’ vibe.

Watch also for the 17th in this regard.

Second buncha bubbles are much gentler an’ closer to home.

Seems I’ve blown it on the genitalia thrills metaphor so I guess that leaves soul.

Plain, simple & diffuse, Piscean high water tidesville pours outta the Heavens from the 18th — a spiritual home you prolly never wanna leave (less’n Walmart’re runnin’ a super discount promo for comfort candy).

We seen the watery journey pick up speed from its last incarnation close to Halloween an’ the Autumn Equinox …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

… an’ now the Cosmic bathtub be fillin’ with Piscean bubbles soft on soul, it is likeya got a frogspawn splat fulla crystal balls into whose myriad oracles you can gaze an’ dream an’ surrender.

Tellya, gettin’ fired up for shit is real cool mosta the time, but nuthin’ beats a slow pulse oozin’ along an artery — an’ in the calmin’ vibe enda Feb smooths gentle onya soul, those recent hard knocks Capricorn & Sajjo delivered from on high gonna turn to emboldenizin’ fruit you can suck rejuvenatin’ juice the fuck outta.

Besides bein’ soulfully sensual, the 18th an’ 26th both feature as days to proclaimya dreams.

Could be out front, could jus’ be for your private journal or secret digestive tract tattoo — butchya got sublime spiritual clarity botha these days … anya must give it voice.

25th ain’t so sweet, so mebbe tank up on whatever indulgence rides out the melancholic rollercoaster.

You tough, it is no problem.

Want more hot astrology? So much hot astrology that your pants spontaneously ignite an’ Replacement Eyebrows Online spam you with promo till 2027? Here at Princess Balestra Daaaht Kaaahm, our aim is to fillya up so full with gloriously cogent astrological smarts that you either gonna burst or puke. We call it the Zero Schwango Diet — an’ we proffer it in chunkilicious-sized daily bites over on Twitter as Today’s Astrology Story. We also got random Astro-Tumblr Treats, an’ when we ain’t ditzin’ out on Sagittarian Firepower adventures, prolly we might even get our shit together enough to hack out an informative blaaahg post gonna perk upya astro boobies.

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LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

Opposites either attract — or punch one another in the chops.

Neutrality is rarely an option.

That’s why Aquarius Season can be so frustratin’ for puddy cats worldwide.

You see such potential in the zany Uranian energies blitzin’ all around — a blindingly upliftin’ opportoonity awaitin’ the creative generosity to max it into a power-pumpin’, people-friendly resource.

Only problem is … it irritates & frustrates as it buzzes around outta reach, squealin’, “can’t catch me, you oafish cunt! Ima way to fuckin’ cool for your hapless ass!”

You can’t have it. It don’t wantchya. Won’t play ball. Wants stoopid stuff. Won’t thank you. Provokes.

FFS, anythin’ else, you would walk away — likely in a theatrical huff, with arms folded high onya puffed-out chest an’ faux nonchalance beamin’ fromya toothy grin like teen boys on a sleepover showin’ off their boners.

Aw, but see — you WANNIT!

An’ this unsettlin’ aggravation can be a real mindfuck in the ass, tellya.

So let’s retrace steps on the recent astro narrative — pick up alla the essential aspectsa the unfoldin’ celestial plot …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Gotta figure you love a HERO STORY, right?

An’ in my cogent astrosummary, I present a journey from outta the deep water sargasso drownscape (where all hope be trooly lost) to the moment when determination possesses the heroine an’ compels her to rise anew.

Gotta figure the catch with this scenario is how we start out on the Rise Anew phase with baby steps — goofers in the facea opportoonity.

Startin’ out that way — to make somethin’ warm & immediately human outta a rebellious essence won’t play ball — takes a special kinda courage.

So watch out for alla that passion to create sumthin’ real special … alla that aggravation an’ frustration … alla that existential ridicule bowled from the awkwardly emergin’ world … bcs it is gonna presentya with unrelentin’ opportoonities for FAILURE.

Remain staunch. Remain fearless. Remain sublimely humane.

An’ ye shall triumph.

Want more hot astrology? So much hot astrology that your pants spontaneously ignite an’ Replacement Eyebrows Online spam you with promo till 2027? Here at Princess Balestra Daaaht Kaaahm, our aim is to fillya up so full with gloriously cogent astrological smarts that you either gonna burst or puke. We call it the Zero Schwango Diet — an’ we proffer it in chunkilicious-sized daily bites over on Twitter as Today’s Astrology Story. We also got random Astro-Tumblr Treats, an’ when we ain’t ditzin’ out on Sagittarian Firepower adventures, prolly we might even get our shit together enough to hack out an informative blaaahg post gonna perk upya astro boobies.

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VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd 

K, so Sun in Aquarius mebbe means shit gone way too wack forya organized braino — but do not despair.

The Saturn in Capricorn vibe means deep & dirty energies gonna be withya till 2020, kinda like 24/7 tech support for alla life’s essentials.

As evry Zodiac season drops, you got plenty noo insight on proceedings, an’ when Uranus enters Taurus later in the year, you gonna getchya hands on the figures.

For now, jus’ roll with the crazy — it is parta a wider narrative to grow hoomanity outta sum weirdsy noo habits it picked up after the calendar wheel hit 2000.

In astro terms, here’s how the story looks since the Autumn …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

I figure we are all superaware rn ‘bout how social media an’ 24/7 info has passed from the fun & funky stage to mebbe sumthin’ come outta the Unfortunately Mutated Homonculus machine.

Digital detox is on the agenda — an’ as a health-conscious diligence icon, you mebbe stand to benefit most.

Saturn asks for moderation an’ constructive effort, an’ in exchange he promises a kinda productive streamlinin’.

As Aquarius provokes an’ rebels an’ kicks the shit in the air, you got a great opportoonity to conduct a real smart experiment.

An’ I would wanna call it an energy audit.

Where doesya time go?

What areya ultimately wantin’ to happen?

This goes beyond circumstance — sumthimes that kinda thing is beyond our control — but in actin’ an’ reactin’ we make out with our massiveley cool hooman potentialities from moment to moment.

Tellya, Noo Moon drops on the 15th, you wanna drill down on a detailed inventory.

(See — I know precisely the word combinations gonna put sum juice inya panties.)

A detailed inventory means … how much time do you spend doin’ what?

It is your clever braino in action, your cherished body in motion — an’ as Aquarius disrupts and provokes, Saturn in Cappy wantsya to get real selective ‘boutchya input an’ output.

Forget the resta the stars (‘cept for mebbe when the planetary roll swings round to the final Piscean chapter, when you might wanna apply more scrutiny to emotional concerns) — Febroooary is kinda a backseat month tucked away in deepest winter, an’ you can use her relative fallow & shallow to cut back for fyooture growth.

It is a plan, Virgo — a plan!!!

Want more hot astrology? So much hot astrology that your pants spontaneously ignite an’ Replacement Eyebrows Online spam you with promo till 2027? Here at Princess Balestra Daaaht Kaaahm, our aim is to fillya up so full with gloriously cogent astrological smarts that you either gonna burst or puke. We call it the Zero Schwango Diet — an’ we proffer it in chunkilicious-sized daily bites over on Twitter as Today’s Astrology Story. We also got random Astro-Tumblr Treats, an’ when we ain’t ditzin’ out on Sagittarian Firepower adventures, prolly we might even get our shit together enough to hack out an informative blaaahg post gonna perk upya astro boobies.

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LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

Gotta figure 2018 has many redeemin’ qualities so far.

For Moi, it is a sense that enough is enough on a whole buncha crapola been tolerated an’ promoted in recent years.

The #MeToo movement is one such example — an’ I would wanna consider this to be an especially Libran sentiment.

Thing is, Saturn in Capricorn is here to shake shit up so hard the dust gonna settle where it oughta, an’ though this placement is kinda difficult from an arch-Cardinal slamdunk perspective, you know inya own life howya mighta strayed a little too far from the path.

Whatchya have in Febroooary is a neat mix to play with.

Capricorn grinder meets pre-Spring Aquarian superfrolics — an’ this offers inspirational scope.

We got a fizzy kinda levity crackin’ off in the Cosmos rn, the next chapter in an astro narrative been mebbe way intense since the Autumn.

So here is a synopsis detailin’ how we got to here — an’ ifya discover this wise counsel to be top drawer astrology packin’ maxo predictive zeal, feel free to get back to me on Twitter with high praise & mebbe a suitably gratitood-packed sonnet.

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Next stage is simply to ride out the generous air for the next coupla weeks, savorin’ the Noo Moon on the 15th an’ mebbe settin’ the 17th aside for a deliciously lyrical & Utopian creative project — even if it is jus’ embroiderin’ your initials on sum fuckin’ bagpipes.

Watch also for the 3rd an’ the 7th as zesty daysya can breeze on through.

Tide turns on the 18th when all Zodiacs gotta prepare for journey’s end on what began back in March 2017.

It is mebbe way too watery an’ slooshy forya mojo, but I figure you got a special affinity for the underlyin’ plot mechanics.

The Zodiac spin started out with Aries as a raw adventure comes full circle to a fluid rest, there to spill over anew.

Only I figure you could write it out way better than that — an’ post it to YouTube as a rousin’ ballad gonna drive evrywan nuts.

Want more hot astrology? So much hot astrology that your pants spontaneously ignite an’ Replacement Eyebrows Online spam you with promo till 2027? Here at Princess Balestra Daaaht Kaaahm, our aim is to fillya up so full with gloriously cogent astrological smarts that you either gonna burst or puke. We call it the Zero Schwango Diet — an’ we proffer it in chunkilicious-sized daily bites over on Twitter as Today’s Astrology Story. We also got random Astro-Tumblr Treats, an’ when we ain’t ditzin’ out on Sagittarian Firepower adventures, prolly we might even get our shit together enough to hack out an informative blaaahg post gonna perk upya astro boobies.

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SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

Whileya are powerin’ up from the whole Scorpio in Joopiter vibe, mebbe have a care for alla the hapless souls bitin’ the bitch on the receivin’ end.

Must be cool to have a weirdsily subliminal favo playlist rockin’ out asya 24/7 earworm, but resta us ain’t so spirityooally empowered — an’ we needsya.

Prolly you got a head start on the celestial story playin’ out — planetary gears kicked in sumtime roundya birthday — an’ you are kinda fundamental to what happens between now an’ March.

Here’s my take on the astro shenanigans so far (an’ I know it is accurate cos mother Cosmosis helped me write summa the fucker out when she stopped by my apartment) …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Gotta figure beneficient shellshocks’re in the air as we adjust to the emergin’ reality gonna de-shittify all the shit we shitted in recent years — an’ this is all dowta Capricornian inflooences on a max bombasm roll.

Point is, Pisces is on her way to wind up what has been a real crazy astro year, an’ as ever we gotta pass through Aquarius starta Feb before we reach her lush sargasso.

Aquarius always packs revolution power, but against the Scorp & Cappy backdrop, it is mebbe even more off the charts this year.

An’ for Scorpio, sumtimes the Water Bearer’s ditzoid take on the fixed Zodiac vibe can feel kinda uncomfortable forya differently impassioned sensibilities.

But you seen what is comin’, likeya had a premonition tyin’ alla the scraggy ends together.

Jus’ gotta hold up as the more fractious an’ volatile energies seekta upend all resoloot purpose.

So … Venus in Pisces on the 10th looks good … Noo Moon in Aquarius on the 15th is a challenge.

Sun an’ Mercury in Pisces on the 18th is nectar … Venus fireballed by Mars on the 25th be like drinkin’ your own mulled pee.

Challenge is to keep faith with the long story, the stuff emerges slow an’ true, the stuff prevails o’er all.

Consider the 26th a reward forya diligence — a special moment when lush noo depths open up promise for real cool investigations & discoveries as the year unfolds.

I feel so positive an’ certain ‘bout this I would wanna pull out a bunny analogy to frame the potential exooberance gonna squirt fromya stinger.

Butchya ain’t exactly bunny, I guess.

Prolly that bunny gonna be fuckin’ dinner if’n I let her bippedy bop fronta your metaphorical horizon.

So what about a Triceratops?

She only a baby, but she been grown all skyscraper-flattenin’ by the same tech shrunk alla the people in Downsizin’.

Go play exooberant scorpion with her, Sweetie …

Want more hot astrology? So much hot astrology that your pants spontaneously ignite an’ Replacement Eyebrows Online spam you with promo till 2027? Here at Princess Balestra Daaaht Kaaahm, our aim is to fillya up so full with gloriously cogent astrological smarts that you either gonna burst or puke. We call it the Zero Schwango Diet — an’ we proffer it in chunkilicious-sized daily bites over on Twitter as Today’s Astrology Story. We also got random Astro-Tumblr Treats, an’ when we ain’t ditzin’ out on Sagittarian Firepower adventures, prolly we might even get our shit together enough to hack out an informative blaaahg post gonna perk upya astro boobies.

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SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

Hey hey — nuthin’ like a buncha off-her-tits Aquarius energy to put the frolic inya Sajjo mojo.

It is like we both got a sypmathetic connoisseurial outlook on El Zanio — an’ when we link up an’ breeze on out, we simply don’t give af.

Thing is, Febroooary gets such a bad press.

Always rain an’ wind an’ post-Christmas misery as prompts too many poeple to throw ‘emselves off cliffs.

Gotta figure these kindsa limits have the same effect as a restrictive corset.

Compared to the kinda slackerwear hangs offa our casyool asses today, these kindsda garments sure pack the stifle factor — an’ that is prolly why the hots are so intense when they rise up from under the starched & buckled fabric.

Ditto Aquarian revolutionary sparky coursin’ through the wintry mists.

(Apologies to my followers down there in Oz — or anyplace Febroooary is warm an’ cosy. May I suggestya rework that image to incorporate mebbe sum languid wallabies? They raided the burger bar on the beach an’ now they cannot move for carbs. It ain’t exactly no corset scenario, but it is the best way I can thinka deployin’ marsoopials to make my point without invitin’ hostile reactions from no animal croolty people cos I locked the wallabies in a trunk or tied ‘em up with rope.)

Gotta figure there are plenty philosophical disciplines where restrictive practices become the wellspringsa freedom — an’ I wanna offer this as a thought exercise for evry Sajjo’s take on Febroooary.

Meantime, here’s how we all got to this moment …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Canya see in there a real pulse between invention an’ reflection, revolution’ an’ consolidation, outlook an’ deep focus?

Rn Sajjo got a real wave to ride — spesho the 3rd, 7th, 14th, 15th & 17th — an’ if the Zodiac were a tribyoot band, prolly it be makin’ out as faux centaur.

Get it whileya can, cos when the Sun drops deep into Pisces from the 18th, the astro deal mebbe ain’t so good for fiery unleashin’ an’ impromptu rompola.

Good time to create an’ visualize, try out wack noo shit an’ not care too much if’n alla your aspirations bomb.

Jus’ go try shit out, K?

It is still Noo Year at heart — 2018 only got 31 days under her belt to define her historic persona.

Rest, we gotta script ourselves — so let’s get fuckin’ gowin’…

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CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

Finally, evrywan is startin’ to listen.

Sounds weird to hear it from another’s lips … an’ it’s even weirder how people never got the message until now … but shit really does roll out better whenya do things properly.

Tellya, if’n you guys were Leos, prolly there would be Goat Parades in evry town … evry street … evry household.

“We salute our stable and ambitious Capricorn brethren for their steadfastness and practical counsel. Long may they advise, and long may they show zero tolerance of our foolish ways. So gather now as we slice the celebratory cupcake and prepare to consume our morsels of reward.”

Dontchya jus’ love it when heroic narratives like these get written in the stars so clear that all we have to do is wake up an’ go happen the fuckers?

Here it all is, in a nutshell …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

To be sure, the hardcore Earthy Sledgehammer has mebbe slacked off on its full pummelin’ power, butchya still got plenty positives gowin’ down.

The Aquarius vibe mean allaya productivity can mebbe go experiment on a tangent — noo ideas, noo people, noo whatever.

Jus’ gotta watch for Uranus.

Rebel planet is headin’ toward Taurus, but right now there is plenty erratic energy in Aries — the felllow Cardinal sign most likely to upset plans an’ trash schemes.

Like Spidey said, with great experimental fortitude comes great unforeseen risk, an’ the Noo Moon on the 15th invitesya to watch your step — principally cos it drops jus’ as Uranus receives power-ups as might prove especially goat-unfriendly.

7th is similar.

16th looks sweet, an’ when the Sun shifts out to Pisces on the 18th, you got mebbe a softer vibe packin’ plenty cushy.

But that don’t meanya can putchya feet up an’ drift away sumplace dreamy like alla the other lazy Zodiacs.

Febroooary/March may still feel young to 2018’s eyes, but they represent the final parta the astro shenanigans got started las’ Spring.

Ultimately, consolidation is in the ascendant — an’ as arch consolidator, you gotta keep rollin’ an’ strollin’, however temptin’ the pre-Spring fluffy clouds bobbin’ around overhead an’ underfoot.

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AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

O, Uranian Wahoo Poppet — how I feel for thee.

It is like I am graspin’ at electrified air, tryin’ to pullya in closer to my lips for the ultimate smacko.

Cosya are glidin’ on a roll rn, Sweetie.

Sun gotchya Aquarian back, an’ Uranus is firin’ off with deliciously Arian energies got affinity forya unique mojo.

Jus’ gotta take care not to rocket off outta control an’ blow the vibe.

When the Sun comes vistitya sign, it is because the astrological baton been passed your way — an’ for a whole month you got responsibility for leadin’ the Zodiac team.

Here’s how this deal been playin’ out since the Autumn …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Plenty diggin’ deep an’ fixin’ up schedules to max out on inspiration — but so far, mebbe evrythin’ been too self-absorbed an’ internal.

Aquarius beholds the wider picture, an’ Febroooary begins a cool subplot got outlook an’ vision at its epicenter.

Pisces figures similar, an’ there is almost a slooshy wooshy tango gowin’ down between you guys as the planets pass from outta Capricorn an’ roll your way.

Gotta ask … what in hell is all this current change FOR?

If we drillin’ down on slackness, settin’ ourselves in order — then who benefits?

Sajjo had a shot at remindin’ evrywan that a broader outlook pulls in big time smarts to feed any kinda introspection gowin’ down, but as a centaur gal myself I understand how any growth results from our kinda vibe tends to be personal rather than intrinsically for all.

You guys are for evrywan, an’ the ideas you generate got potential to go viral … 200 years later when we all woke up to the difference between genius an’ crank.

So get in there on the disruptive energy vibe on the 3rd, 7th, 14-15th an’ 17th for great Aquarian opportoonities to advance the narrative.

You readin’ this starta Febroooary, you prolly already know whatchya gotta do.

Thoughts form, ideas clash, potentialities swarm in a haze — like the fyooture is forever outta reach butchya could cup its essence an’ max out on intooitive premonition.

Tellya, planet needs a lift right now.

We heard shit gotta change an’ we mebbe lost heart an’ vision as we gazed upon the turgidly difficult particulars.

So let’s not forget the vision thing, K?

Let’s horizon up an’ ship on out to a more Utopian take on our resources, moods an’ soulstuffs…

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PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

Thing I love so about the beach is fixin’ up a spot an’ lazin’ on out.

Crashin’ waves’re fun, but I especially love shallow beaches that creep up onya by stealth.

You bask for a while on the sand, watchin’ as the water flows closer an’ closer in horizon-wide pulses.

Then it tickles your toes, creeps up to your knees, washes overya thighs, an’ — *eek* — sneaks along the foldsya fanj … till finally you are immersed, possibly even floatin’.

Gotta figure that is the Piscean scenario for Febroooary.

Starts kinda wild, with Uranus makin’ for choppy waters, but as the days pass, the Piscean vibe gonna trickle on in till it lifts all bathers from the sand with its liquid dreamy.

That is when we all kinda blend as one, an’ the astrological wheel turns its final days into hopeful splendor.

Been comin’ since Spring, but I figure the best parta the story been rollin’ since the Autumn.

You got a few minutes between jugglin’ 24 romance novels an’ gettin’ ripped on trendy gin cocktails, mebbe you might wanna take a look in on how the astrology been fixin’ stuff up under the hood …

Joopiter in Scorpio — Noose. Lifeline. Lasso.

Sagittarius Season Rompeth — Over Horizons, Over Assholes

Saturn in Capricorn — Cap’n Grindpants Sits Onya Face

Why 2018 Is Noo Year AF — Eternal Inspiration for the Momentarily Shafted

Next phase is to fill reality’s vacuum with dreamy oceans gonna make fine exploration fodder for the Aries ship sets sail in Spring Fever Time.

Not much happnin’ on that score durin’ the first weeka Febroooary because alla the Aquarius shit gonna take time to settle in to the underlyin’ Capricorn-themed arrangement, but from the moment Venus drips sweet into Pisces on the 10th, your unifyin’ journey fulla Yummy trooly begins.

Venus in Pisces is an especially treatsy combination … an’ ifya have anywan inya life with this placement, gotta figure they are frickin’ GOLD DUST.

Means the mood is lush an’ calmin’, possibly tinged with pseudo-psychedelic artsiness or erotica, an’ it is the perfect prelude to the Sun an’ Mercury boostin’ the Piscean vibe from the 18th.

Could be an especially productive coupla weeks where a sensa real security unleashes your most delish ever imaginary adventures in ways you can relate back to the people aroundya.

As a Piscean, you prolly all too familiar with the drawbacksa Neptoonian nebulosity.

Either the world crowds in onya so you can’t sleep to dream, or the dreams don’t make no fuckin’ sense, or the killer dreamsya HAVE an’ can INTERPRET don’t make no fuckin’ sense to nowan else.

That all changes right now.

You will SEE IT, you will SAY IT — an’ evry fucker gonna KNOW IT.

Tellya, if’n Febroooary 26th don’t show at the enda the year inya lista top 5 days, prolly you wearin’ the wrong undergarments.

Want more hot astrology? So much hot astrology that your pants spontaneously ignite an’ Replacement Eyebrows Online spam you with promo till 2027? Here at Princess Balestra Daaaht Kaaahm, our aim is to fillya up so full with gloriously cogent astrological smarts that you either gonna burst or puke. We call it the Zero Schwango Diet — an’ we proffer it in chunkilicious-sized daily bites over on Twitter as Today’s Astrology Story. We also got random Astro-Tumblr Treats, an’ when we ain’t ditzin’ out on Sagittarian Firepower adventures, prolly we might even get our shit together enough to hack out an informative blaaahg post gonna perk upya astro boobies.

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WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

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Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?

Gowan — Squirt This Baby Around Like Fizzin' Champagne