Horoscope Archive February 2017 2017-07-01T11:18:16+00:00

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

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Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — Feb '17

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Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

Febroooary 2017 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

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ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

Woo hoo — getchyaself ready for sum weirdsy emotional floopy doops! An’ I am thinkin’ herea how it would be to bundle allaya celestial love power onto a rollercoaster brimmin’ with combat-hungry gorillas. Do not concern yourself with how such a monster theme ride might bend an’ swoop its tracks intaya life — I merely summon a workable metaphor that don’t involve blastin’ off into space or any kinda underwater action cos I am boreda those tropes (an’ if you are a typical Aries, prolly you gonna be bored with ‘em also). Thing is, you got Mars firin’ away inya energy locker right from the outset, an’ soon as Venus rolls in onya from outta drippy Pisces on the 3rd, you gonna be geared up for unadulterated an’ volcanic love action — even ifya are single an’ the only friendya got is a goldfish or stick insect.

So, listen — no planetary combo hits the flirtsy blendyjuicy button harder an’ with more possibilitya blissful squirtin’ than Venus an’ Mars makin’ out, an’ if that was all Mother Cosmosis had in store forya, prolly you could simply hit the sack for the wholea the month an’ incinerate allaya frickin’ bed linen. Problem is, Joopiter turns retrograde on the 6th, an’ he is cruisin’ out inya opposite sign — Libra — an’ makin’ with hardcore tech support on all things relationship-centric, which is kinda gonna fuck shit up big time. An’ that is where the combat-hungry gorillas figure in the deal.

So … plentya hot action an’ relational thrustin’ is out there forya in Febbo, Aries — butya got a battle onya hands an’ prolly clumpsa primate fur gonna feature underya fingernails.

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TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

K, good times’re over. Packya bags, leave the planet, find a decent home forya pets. Coupla real shitto frickin’ weeks’re imminent, an’ you gonna need allaya resolve an’ tenacityta seeya through. An’ why so? Prolly nuthin’ immediately baaaaaaad, butchya know that deal with real squidgo cream cakes when a hardcore sugar rush blastsya smack in the chops anya tongue rolls outta your mouth like it could lick the whole frickin’ world up? Just thinka howya feel when that STOPS. Sugar rush over. Creamysquidgo all gone. Tongue sittin’ lame inya chopshole with nuthin’ nuthin’ nuthin’to sloosh its yummylovey all over. Yeah, so February is kinda gonna be like THAT.

Why so? Shitloada beneficial planets fucked off outtaya Comfort Zone Frontier without so much as a friendly See ya around, O loyal-to-a-fault Taurus! That is Sun, Venus an’ Mars, all dumpedya an’ headed out. Whole buncha sugarmooshie over. An’ whatchya gotta remember straight out is

Clawin’ all desperate at brick walls gonna trashya nails.

So we gotta summon Spock here an’ misquote the pointy-eared SOB.

Dig deep an’ prosper.

(Actschly, I got no idea why Spock never said that in the first place cos it makes much more sense kinda pragmatically ifya situation is based on centuriesa war with a buncha guys got weirder anatomical features than the home team, but I was not around in nineteen sixty whenevah to input worldbuildin’ ideas or suggest killer lines for the cast, like Shut the fuck up, Jim, you asshole.)

Point is, you gotta rumble on through the difficult stuff till the Sun hits Pisces weekenda 18/19th. Prolly then you gonna find career an’ moolah stuff you been drillin’ down on to fend off the crazies gonna pull out sum surprise rewards. Ha! Gotta hope so!

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GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

The Archmagea Ditz swoops past, her elegant cloak trailin’ behind her like Benedict Cumberbatch’s sonorous tones in Dr Strange got weaved up an’ stitched together all super dinky by the same elves fixed the shoemaker’s shoes. She strides on, purposefully an’ unencumbered, an’ the cheery whistle pursin’ her lips into a kiss kinda fills the air with gladness, joy an’ wonder, all tumblin’ with the carefree abaondona sum drunken threesum on a sinkin’ yacht.

Lotsa cool stuff crackin’ off forya, Jemmo, an’ while summa the more immediately practical signs wrestle with 2017’s up-in-the-frickin-air-ishness, you are very much inya element right now, swoopin’ in on change, fluxin’ out on invention — an’ dictatin’ verbatim to life’s unfoldin’ VR podcast.

To be honest, I should prolly skip writin’ the other 11 signs an’ jus’ leave a note sayin’ GO READ GEMINI AN’ GET SUMMA THAT, cos you are on a roll. Love is hot, career is pickin’ up direction, an’ luck is like sum nasty goose peckedya hard on the ass an’ left a chunka gold hangin’ outtaya pooper. Only thingya gotta watch out for is celestial ripples inya flirtsy exooberance when Joopiter backs up an’ flips out on the 6th, jus’ before Mercury hits Aquarius an’ a Full Moon drops in Leo. That entire week gonna be a blast, an’ despiteya Cumberbatch cape, O artful flibbertigibbet, Loono is gonna take sum handlin’, so watch out…

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CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

Listen, plentya shit is hittin’ the fan right now. Jus’ the way it is. Lotta people feelin’ all kindsa hurt, an’ you are superunimmune from witnessin’ that an feelin’ likeya wanna help out. Thing is, 24/7 diligence an’ heart is a stunningly drainin’ trickta pull even at the besta times, so mebbe for now, you gotta play tactical. Tryta pickya best moments for action an’ be sure to rest up resta the time. I figure that is how Matt Damon made it offa frickin’ Mars — an’ if he can pull that trick packin’ a seriously damaged helmet then I figure allaya crab people gonna rock it on the shellhead deal.

So — first weekend is a hardcore chillout drilldown, an’ you got morea these comin’ mebbe 8/9th  an’ 17/18th. Use ‘em to the max, along with alla the smoochie gonna drip from Valentine’s. 22/23rd should fit into this group — only it don’t . So do not even go there. Actschly, you should prolly lockyaself away sumplace safe. Oh ooh — also gotta watch for the 6th cos that is when all kindsa weirdsy peoplenibbler gonna flip out an’ roll.

Howeverya swing it, for sureya gotta take accounta the ebb an’ flow gruntin’ around in February’s messy architectural foundations. Enda the month is waaaay easier, an’ I figure the Noo Moon in Pisces gonna showya real heartfelt gratitood when she beams out fulla pre-Spring emotional rejuvenation shimmer. You should not expect gift-wrapped bunnies or magnumsa champagne, cos adversity’s finest prizes reward heart, but it would not be remissaya to consult sum catalogs an’ websites midmonth an’ mutter openly, “mmmmm, this is real nice.” People inya life may be especially demandin’ this month — but they are not frickin’ stoopid…

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LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

Thing I hate about laundry is whenya pull a buncha panties outta the dryer an’ shriek out loud cosya thinkya shrunk ‘em. Call me pernickety, but I got no time for makin’ excursions to the mall for shit I already own, an’ no way am I walkin’ out anyplace bein’ cut in half by my own apparel. Thing is, that is what happens with dryers an’ panties sumtimes, an’ when the heat fades from the fabric, evrythin’ returnsta normal an’ you wonder what was the frickin’ problem.

So, hey — welcome to February. Cos I figure mosta January hadya pacin’ about checkin’ the dimensionsa your favo undergarments with a combination of rules, measurin’ tape and (if you are a guy) Apple’s noo How Long Is My Dick? app.

See? February gonna bringya home sum — returnya to your regular easy-on / easy-off playfulness with no side issues involvin’ shrinkage or corruptiona your innate elasticity. Major Full Moon in your sign for the weekenda the 10/11th  is kinda your On switch for the next phasea 2017, an’ I would recommend shoppin’ early for sumthin’ dinkyfresh an’ noo you can pull up closeta your tinglydanglies as a bold an’ personal statement sayin’ how THE BIG CAT IS BACK. Jus’ gotta watch for the week startin’ 20th for erratic overtheatrics whileya romp. Thing about bein’ on a roll is howya can spin off sumplace fulla long grass, so be sureta include sumthin’ inya Starta The Week ritual pays heedta your pre-asshole potential an’ momentarily nullifies it like in scifi movies when the Doc character bundles evryone into stasis.

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VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd

Way I see it, you are onea the most understated people persons in the zodiac. Where others max out on glitz or darin’ or abominable manifestationsa sheer fuckwitship, yours is a kind an’ considered response to alla the other hoomans floatin’ around in your life. An’ from the 6th, all kindsa relationships gonna get all kindsa fractious as Joopiter flips out an’ goes retrograde the heck over downtown Buddyville.

Inevitible chaos an’ misunderstandin’ gonna follow — usual shit like frayin’ tempers, mismatched intentions, an’that cruel thing happens when compromisin’ photos or rantsya sent onya phone end up burnin’ the eyeballs outtaya parents or boss cos WHAT NORMALLY WORKS kinda SUDDENLY FRICKIN’ DON’T — an’ I guess folks with less forensic brainos than yours gonna be left stranded. You won’t see the whole picture at first, cos alla this weirdsy Joop phase gonna run till June, but if there is a puzzle to be solved ‘bout how we all hang together first halfa 2017 as we adjust to wider changes in the world, you got a head start on seein’ summa the fault lines an’ steppin’ up to smooth stuff over. So strike out with care an’ diligence, become the duct tape sealin’ up life’s poop-squirtin’ butt crack, conduct divine Virgoan experiments asya fix up X an’ Y an’ Z. Oh, an’ watch for how this unfoldin’ situation prompts all kindsa noo word combinations fromya lips cos prolly summa them gotta end up inya YA romcom slasher novel…

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LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

Balance. In all things. Always. For the path of true harmony never disappoints those whose coolest party trick is drizzlin’ trailsa honey supersymmetrically over both boobies. Ha! Hey, listen, I am only tryin’ to wakeya up here cos I figure you been makin’ with sum hardcore dreamin’, an’ nuthin’ is worse whenya are in deep slumber than havin’ a yappy dog lickya ears out with its dagger tongue. But he is comin’ — an’ he has an irritatin’ bone toy lights up all stroboscopic an’ screams BEEEEEP! BOOOOOOP! BIPPPPEDDY BAAAAAAP!

Thing is, lotsa lifebendin’ action gonna crack off in Feb in places you might not wanna. All things amour an’ energy related gonna flip out in unharmonious ways as aggravatin’ Arian vapors infuse Venus an’ Mars with an angry mist. You still got Joopiter withya, but his backflip gonna take a while to figure, so prolly Feb gonna unbalanceya scales sum.

Bestya can do is fix up the toughest day first. That is the 2nd, when your typically abundant lyricism gonna suffer a real hard knock as that crapola flinger you call a silver tongue kinda abandonsya. Listen deep for whatya are tryin’ to say an’ write it all down sumplace. On this occasion it is NOT necessary to make shit rhyme or appear as if bestowed uponya by heavenly beings. Point is, this isya Spidey sense for what is comin’ in the month ahead, an’ ifya keep gowin’ till mebbe the 7th — trackin’ your goofs an’ compilin’ a wishIdsaidthat list — the Full Moon weekenda 10/11th  (plus a whole buncha tricksy Aquarian aspects droppin’ mid-month) gonna keepya bright an’ spangly — even ifya purchased those stoopid pants I warnedya about back in January (check it out in the Archivismo ifya missed my dire warnin’…).

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SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

I figure if Dickens had run with A Tale Of Two Moons he mighta made morea his miserable Victorian life. Thing is, we got a coupla real dinky loonfests bobbin’ around in February’s murk, an’ cosya are kinda jus’ chitterin’ along in that watch out cos I am a walkin’ frickin’ death machine kinda way you pull off so casual, prolly you wanna hook upya timer/calendar/metronome to this polylunar pulse an’ take max advantagea its beneficient booby doo.

Jus’ wanna check ur rtg, I guess. Enda Jan is when plentya people run outta resolootional firepower an’ do that whole Blue Monday deal like they are frickin’ martyrs. Gotta always trust a Scorp to keep gowin’ but coupla things out there in Mother Cosmosis’ celestial array make me wanna check you ain’t been nursin’ no overmucusy nostrils or wappo disturbances anyplace inya digestive tracto. If’n you have — get it fixed or it is gonna linger. Hot tip — brandy is more’n a match for most bacterial bad guys.

Anyways, the moons. First is Full, second is Noo, an’ fluxa their motion gonna be good for youuuu. (I been singin’ that all mornin’ an’ may approach Michael Buble with an offer cos I figure his career could use a lift right now.) Lotsa creative Leonine zest is up for grabs 10/11th butya gotta take a sideways stab. Think tactically an’ courageously for max mid-month re-energizin’. Second moon is the biggie — a thumpingly deep emotional overhaul, bustin’ with mystery, passion an’ alla the seriously hardcore portent you love screwin’ on withya pincers like wrenches. Tighten upya depths, screw fast to soul an’ end the month with a bang.

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SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

Defo you got plentya divine firepower splashin’ down onya right now. So get out there an’ create stuff, confident in the knowledge that summa whatya start up gonna work out. Cos, hey — even 25% success rate on mostaya schemes is cool for Sajjo, I guess. I am not kiddin’ here, cos that is parta the wanderin’ exploratory deal most other signs — ‘specially the Earth guys — do not get. Not evrythin’ you start up gonna be a winner, but whenya fix up a whole rangea stuff, you got more choice at the end an’ a whole buncha options in the middle part, an’ that is way cool. Kinda also, you gonna pack a smile onya face even when shit don’t turn out so good, an’ in sum quarters, that is an enviable commodity, tellya.

Jus’ expect sum good stuff this month, K?. Full Moon in Leo weekenda the 10/11th is a super auspicious timeta fix up a party an’ go strutya stuff. An’ Valentine’s got a real cool kiss-up between an Aquarian Sun on a roll an’ a Sajjo Saturn tuggin’ hard on the directin’ reins. Gotta be a cool follow-up to that party ifya can restrain yourself sum an’ link the two dates together with a suitably blendyjuicy-themed plot. It is askin’ a lot fromya, cos I knowya are such a frickin’ klutz, but c’mon, this one is a sitter, tellya.

Want sum filosophical learnin’ boost aheada the Pisces noo Moon on the 26th? Gotta say, 21st bowlsya an opportoonity for a cool preamble, so go fillya head with broad reach braino stuff whereverya can find it — library or museum, hot noo feed onya tab, wizened old hermitya found under a rock on oneaya wide-rangin’ jaunts etc. Go cram the mind-expandin’ booty an’ end the month on a lunar high.

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CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

Aw, frick an’ poopy! Sun rolled outta Capricorn, an’ nowya gotta foldya party hat up an’ lock it away in its trunk for another year. Truly, resta us almost feel sorry forya, but it is so hard makin’ with the empathic grimaces cos we know how that gimpa yours jus’ loves wearin’ your Glad Hat resta the time in a fashionably exooberant ‘complements my leather mask perfectly’ kinda way.

Ha! But let’s get down to business, right? Cos February is Month Two in your 2017 quest for Real Important Shit. So, listen up close. On a personal level, gonna be less easy than usual to holdya crap together cozza how the Weirdly Erratic an’ Fiery got sumthin’ of a field day gowin’ on. But this has real advantages cos it offersya leverage. Chinks gonna appear most evryplace — opportoonities to advanceya plans an’ mebbe shore up a few wayward cranks withya hardcore expertise. You can’t mebbe control what comes your way, but whenya beady eye settles on sumthin’, for sureya can get to work. Keep gowin’, an’ mebbe Sunday 19th you can take time out to fit evrythin’ together as revealin’ Moon action coincides with a Sun switch into Pisces.

Gotta say, I would wanna do sumthin’ ‘bout that gimpa yours. It is one thing to wearya party hat whenya ain’t lookin’, but ifya ain’t careful, that slavea yours gonna dig a tunnel an’ connect up with the Underground Slave Network — an’ beforeya know it, there is gonna be a secret hoomansquish kinkfest gowin’ on right underya nose. Jus’ sayin’…

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AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

February is whenya get to spin out your fruitiest dinky. Whateverya feel about the world right now or your place within its emergent sparky, gotta say this Feb is especially cool for alla you Aquarians, an’ ifya wanna make the mosta it, you gotta make a special promise to yourself right at the start. Thing is, lotta sports people an’ performer types figure on personal rituals before they drill down an’ make with their shit, an’ I figure you gotta do the same. So get yourself sum full honors Me Time soon asya can, an’ lay out any February stuffya got — diary, social invites, your hamster’s appointment with the pet shrink etc — an’ conjure inya mind a big balla swirlin’ air, alive with lightnin’ flickers an’ sparks an’ fulla sweet scenta Febbo. Whenya got that image framed betweenya eyeballs, an’ its cool warmth glows neat an’ ripply onya skin, let it dissolve inta anyplace onya it wantsta go. Prolly it will hit on your heart or navel or braino, but if it wantsta swoop up your asshole or down the enda your dick, jus’ remember this is your month. You got a poem or mantra you wanna reflect on, prolly also you can say sum words aloud, jus’ to clarify your intention that you gonna make the forthcomin’ bountiesa February work forya.

Thing is, what you got comin’ is kinda special. For sure, Sun in Aquarius always gonna boostya, an the Leo Full Moon weekenda the 10/11th got extra boosty powers, but mosta the cool aspects forya are real gentle an’ subtle an’ I would wanna conjure the picturea a mom sittin’ in a coffee shop with her newborn — in particular the flowa warm an’ almost reflex kisses she touches on her kid’s forehead. You ever seen that kinda love it is truly spesho. So expect a flurrya small but potent blessings, kisses from beyond, floatin’ in from any which way an’ lightin’ up all kindsa potentialities forya, right on through.

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PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

Thing about relationships is how they drift an’ glide, an’ so much depends on the moment. Subtle shimmiesa mood an’ body language prompt fluid words an’ thoughts, an’ your whole social network prolly feels like sum nebulous clutch bagya carry withya evrywherya go — intangibly exotic, forever mutatin’, hummin’ with every shadea hooman feelo. It is cool, it is easy, it is dreamy — an’ this informal heart-to-heart you got with evryone is a gift, truly.

Thing is, relationship stuff gonna go wappo after the 6th, throwin’ evryone into a spin. Lotsa stuff gonna shift around, an’ I would not wanna seeya washed up on no unfamiliar beach — especially one writhin’ with the kinda weenie crabsya see on nature shows, yanno, the swarma critters go chitter chitter chitter ‘cross the sand like crustacean frickin’ locusts. Be ready for this. Get sum focus on that nebulous swirlya call home. That way, when Sun hits Pisces on the 19th you can revel in fullest exotica. Plan for sumthin’ cool smack enda the month for the Noo Moon, an’ prolly you can fix up a head start on what is gonna be a weirdsy people thing for first halfa 2017. Point is, that extra special Moon wings over jus’ as Mercury floats genuine silver ontaya tongue, so the extra intuitive feelo you gonna have washin’ all overya got max opportoonity for findin’ a creative an’ inspired outlet. Last few daysa Feb, you gonna be swankin’ out like a supershaman-powered seer, tellya.

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