Horoscope Archive August 2017 2017-10-07T13:11:29+00:00

Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap

 

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Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner

Scopes — Aug '17

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Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.

August 2017 is gone.

She is dust.

Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.

Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.

It is the past, an’ it is over.

Get frickin’ movin’…

HOROSCOPES

horoscopes with predictions for fortune in august
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ARIES

I Wannit

TAURUS

Gotta Have It

GEMINI

Sounds Excitin’

CANCER

I Am Here

LEO

Me! Me! Me!

VIRGO

This one.

LIBRA

Ready To Tune In

SCORPIO

Dish It Straight

SAGITTARIUS

Show Me The Neato

CAPRICORN

rtg

AQUARIUS

Here’s Lookin’ Atya

PISCES

Pitch Me The Fluffy

ARIES

March 21st to April 19th

Know that deal where EVIL SPACE MONKEYS invadeya apartment an’ SHREDYA FRICKIN’ EPHEMERIS?

I dunno, mebbe they were tryin’ to build a nest or sumthin’, so I gotta be grateful they didn’t also mangle my bookcase.

Point is, an astrologer without an ephemeris is like a cat without cream, or a buncha cream without no strawberry, or a gangbang porn shoot fulla eunuchs.

TOTAL WASTEA SPACE!

So — wanna know what I did?

Wanna fist pump with Moi on my pseudo-Arian spirita enterprise an’ initiative?

I should fuckin’ say so — cos what I did after I cleared away alla the monkey maché was an acta genius gonna freak out even an Aquarian packin’ a full housea alla the major planets also in Aquarius.

See, I shopped me online for a frickin’ telescope.

Arrived las’ Thursday … July 21st … an’ I got it set up right away on my modest apartment’s imaginary balcony.

Natchrly, as I was adjustin’ the lens an’ figurin’ out which way up Joopiter oughta be against the silhouetta my neighborhood skyline, I scanned a few nearby windows for the swingin’ meata semi-clad hunks.

Mebbe I had in mind sum plan for trainin’ up my telescope skills usin’ a familiar panorama before trainin’ my eyes on … yanno … the sky.

Cos I gotta say, sky is real weird whenya look at it, ‘specially if’n it is filled with clouds.

An’ I got to wonderin’ how a sky fulla clouds an’ an ephemeris shredded by evil space monkeys got so much in common on an obfuscation ticket.

Gazin’ at my ephemeris, I got no real clue where Joopiter is, an’ the same is true when I swing my telescope around across the cloud-bustin’ heavens.

So, yeah — I took in a few cats, watched sum gal cook what I figured was noodles or pasta, an’ witnessed a murder outside the store.

Ha! Jus’ kiddin’!

Thing is, I figure a telescope would make a real neat weapon if’n I ever saw srs anti-people shit crackin’ off down below.

Throw the window open, you could kinda hurl the thing like a frickin’ tomahawk.

Tellya, I would do that, for sure.

Fuck how much the telescope cost — I see sum hooded creeps hittin’ on an old gal in the gutter, they get my Emergency Horoscope Hardware smack between the eyes, tellya.

Anyways, point is, without my ephemeris, I got no horoscopes for August.

An’ I got issues with the whole evil space monkey deal need sortin’ out.

So …. uhm … have a shit cool August, K, Aries?

Lotsa real high-powered Leo stuff gonna suitya Arian swagger, tellya.

You wanna near-death experience maxin’ out on danger, prolly it gonna happen real soon.

Beyond that, I ain’t got no clue — I still can’t fix Joopiter in my telescope, though I seen the Moon a few times.

So come back in September, huh — an’ in the mean time, try HERE for sum augury onya Arian thrusto.

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout alla the Zodiac’s bras.

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TAURUS

April 20th to May 20th

Hey, Taurus.

Like I was sayin’ to Aries jus’ now, I got an Acute Horoscope Delivery Klutzo this month kinda renders Moi semi-inert on the stargazy deal.

See, evil space monkeys shredded my ephemeris, an’ now I am travelin’ blind in the dimensiona prescience.

I got a telescope, but all I managed to figure from that is how the Moon prolly gonna swing out durin’ the Leo phase we got gowin’ down mosta August.

♉Ha! Like I Am Interested In How Leo Is Fucking Around! Like Scorpio, Leo Is A Fixed Sign, And We Don’t Hang Out Together So Good.♉

Point taken.

‘Specially seein’ how we got a second Noo Moon in Leo gonna chomp onya all SHOWY PUSSCAT, same as it did back in July.

So , hey — what DO you wanna know?

♉I Have A Dinner Party Coming Up — Work Colleagues, Plus Also My Mom. My Own Preference Is For Gently Spicy And Fishy … Nothing Too Heavy. But Most Everyone Thinks That Way Also, Especially The Guys From Work. So Fix THAT Conundrum, Ms Astrologer!♉

Coupla issues there, sweetiepoppet.

First, I am a Sagittarius, an’ cookery is not my niche area expertise schwango deal thing.

Want supper burnin’ till it doubles up as sci-fi movie exoskeleton stuffs?

I am your gal.

Also, you gotta lose Mom.

But listen — earlier, when I was experimentin’ with my telescope for Aries, I saw a gal in the apartment opposite cookin’ sumthin’ looked like noodles or pasta, so I am thinkin’ that might solveya problem.

Yanno, sum real fine an’ near-insubstantial pasta you can mebbe ADORN with select NIBBLIES like sweet pepper shards an’ sliversa … I dunno — fuckin’ ham?

You still there?

♉*sniff* Sure♉

What in hell I say?

Hey, listen, I know how you Taurus types take the whole food deal super seriously, an’ I genuinely did not wanna messya around with no lame suggestion, so I am kinda flippin’ through a cookbook I got here, tryin’ to be fuckin’ helpful, yanno—

♉You … You Shouldn’t Have Been So Nasty About MOM …♉

Aw, FFS — I did not mean kill her.

I was thinkin’ more send her to the movies or lock her in the closet kinda thing.

But, hey — why dontchya jus’ ask Mom for sum killer culinary suggestions?

Moms’re cool that way.

That would solveya dinner party dilemma at a stroke — an’ by endearin’ Mom close to your heart by askin’ for her advice, prolly you gonna reap a real neat reward inya Christmas stockin’.

♉Sorry. Mom Is A Sagittarius Also. My Stomach Still Reels From All The Childhood Soups She … *aaack* … Brewed Up.♉

Aw, that is too bad.

But we gotta problem right now cos my Horoscope time for Taurus is nearly done for this month an’ I gotta go fix up Gemini before she badmouths my ass.

But stay onboard, huh, cos I will thinka sumthin’, prom.

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout Zodiac tombstones. Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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GEMINI

May 21st to June 20th

OK, here is the situation.

Evil space monkeys shredded my ephemeris an’ I am flyin’ on a Minimal Stargazy Power Ticket right now.

♉Hi, Gemini — Taurus Here. Can I Add That Ms Balestra Has Also Promised To Track Down A Suitable Recipe For My Forthcoming Dinner Party?♉

Yeah. That also.

But, yanno — ala this kinda gets me thinkin’.

Like I was sayin’ to Aries, darn monkeys shredded my ephemeris like they was makin’ a nest — but they left alla my other books alone.

Why in hell would they do that?

Thing is, I saw the boss monkey take a peep at 50 Shades a coupla times as I lay so petrified in my bed that not a single muscle dared to quiver lest I be discovered, but he never once looked like a primate gonna rip out no page.

♉It Seems You’re As Clueless About Evil Space Monkey Behavior As You Are About Cooking!♉

Butt the fuck out, Taurus — this is Gemini’s show now.

♉Sorry.♉

Tellya, the more I think about those blasted monkeys, the more concern grows within me like a cancerous tumor gonna wreak havoc on my poor sweet flesh.

Thing is, it has not been so long ago that I had BATS flappin’ about the place lookin’ for sum Moon Sign Horoscopes I wrote out.

Call me Hyperbole Queen — but you ever had the feelin’ you might be trapped at the epicentera sum celestial internexusa mayhem gonna precipitate the Apocalypse, mebbe even lead to MAYO bein’ BANNED from BURGERS?

♊As A Geeky Gemini, I Would Not Describe That As Hyperbole AT ALL. There Are Plenty Disturbing And Bizarre Events Taking Place In The World That Point To Such A Conclusion. The Only Difference I Have With You Is That It’s ME Who Is The Pre-Apocalypse Epicenter … And Not YOU.♊

K — so now, in addition to evil space monkeys an’ a Taurus jus’ a little too slavishly devoted to Mom—

♉I Am NOT “Slavishly Devoted” — I Just Love Her To Bits, OK? If I Was Slavishly Devoted, I Wouldn’t Have Jokingly Dissed Her Cookery Skills The Way I Did!♉

yadda yadda … in addition to the monkeys an’ Taurus, I got sum self-absorbed Gemini thinks they are sum super special locus for impendin’ doom on a grand scale.

♊So What Is The Difference Between My Supposed Self-Absorption And Your Own, Mrs “I Got Evil Space Monkeys Invade & That Makes Me Soooooo Super Special”?♊

Because monkeys DID invade, along with a whole buncha BATS, you stoopid fuckin’ ditz.

What is YOUR reason?

♊I Have A Small Shard Of Petrified Ammonia Jutting From My Skull, Dead Center Of My Right Temple.♊

That kinda explains the ditz part, I guess — but how in hell that happen?

♊Oh, You Know — Typical Monday Night For A Gemini. I Watch Some TV, I Text A Few Friends — Then A Tiny Fragment Of URANUS Spins From Out Of Nowhere Through My Bedroom Window At Speed AND — Schummm!♊

K, point taken — but I am a gal on a mission here, an’ I gotta go fix up Cancer.

Gotta figure any kinda Uranus Destruction Scenario is real important, along with mebbe go see a doctor beforeya brain cums squelchin’ outtaya skull or sumthin’, but Cancer gonna be real upset if’n I keep her waitin’.

She takes things personal, yanno?

♉Oh — So It’s OK For You To Insult My Mom, But No Probs City When It Comes To Smoothing Over Sensitive Ol’ Cancer?♉

Hey, I am a fuckin’ astrologer person, K — it is my dooty to at least TRY to be empathetical.

But, listen guys — I will figure alla this shit out, K?

Beforeya you run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout Pure Astro Science … kinda “Areya An Astro Aficionado?” Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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CANCER

June 21st to July 22nd

♋Where Have You Been? I Was So Excited By What You Said In My Horoscope Last Month About Me Being (and I quote) “The Baboon’s Butt Cheeks” That I Have Been Anticipating My August Reading So Badly I Am Now Officially Fingernail-Free. Keeping Me Waiting This Way Makes Me Feel So Unwanted. Like You Never Meant ANY Of That Sweet Baboon Sentiment, And You Were Simply Playing A Cruel Trick On Me…♋

That is so not true.

♉Said The Mom-Insulting Empath. Gee, I Bet You Wish You Were A Taurus Right Now. Our Protective Stability Is A Really Good Fit For Cancer, btw.♉

What in hell is gowin’ on with you guys?

We could be hapless co-conspirators in an impendin’ Apocalypse Scenario here, an’ all you are doin’ is tryin’ to run down the one gal mebbe got smarts an’ leverage on the situation — less’n you think sum Gemini with a big frickin’ chunka URANUS buried in her skull—

♊I Said Small Shard. The Exaggerated “Chunk” You Describe Would Merely Have Rendered Me Unconscious Instead Of Functioning As A Telepathic Conduit Between My Good Self And The Disruptive Inhabitants Of Said Faraway World.♊

My point exactly.

So, listen, on the understandin’ that my regular Monthly Horoscopes are trashed for August thanks to sum weird kinda celestial mayhem (as yet unknown), mebbe we should all try pullin’ together a little more — kinda like a Zodiac versiona The Avengers?

♋What Do You Suggest, Captain?

Tellya, I would wanna go do sum investigatin’ first.

Take a look round my apartment for clues, kinda thing.

Cos now we got mebbe a Uranian angle on the evil space monkey deal, I figure shit gonna get interestin’.

See, I remember readin’ how Uranus gonna go retro on August 3rd — from precisely the same ephemeris those darn primates shredded for their nest.

A nest they never actschly used.

♊For The Record, I Can Confirm That The Uranians Have No Record Of Any Dealings With Evil Space Monkeys. Coolest Thing Of All, Uranians Are 1200′ Tall Moose Creatures With Musical Neon Beards.♊

K, so that is mebbe good news.

Whatever is gowin’ down with the monkeys, they gonna be subject to the same celestial forces affectin’ alla us — namely Uranus retro, followed by Mercury retro from the 12th.

Prolly we can lay a trap for those guys, kinda honey pot.

Jus’ gotta figure out what they were doin’ in my apartment, shreddin’ my ephemeris to fix up a stoopid nest.

♍*ahem* It’s Virgo. May I Interject With Some Cogent Observations? First Thing Is To Suggest That You Try Online For A Suitable Ephemeris Instead Of Fooling Around With Telescopes Or Flying Blind.♍

FFS, I am so stoopid.

♍Secondly, I Shall Be Most Unimpressed If You Use This Frankly Non-Problematic Disaster Scenario As An Excuse For Gracing Me With A Less Than Comprehensive August Horoscope. I Understand That, As A Sagittarius, You Are Beyond Undutiful In Many Respects, But This Should Never Be A Reason For Inefficiency. So, Whatever Happens Next — And I Must Remind You That You’re The Expert, Sister — I Shall Expect Nothing Less Than A Generous And Accurate Read When I Have Waited Some More For My Turn. In The Meantime, I Bid You All Farewell. If I Am To Contribute To Your Avengers Initiative By Formulating A Remarkably Clever And Practical Solution To The Conundrum Before Us, I Must Away To A Place Of Reflective Solitude — Free Of Discord — The Better To Exercise My Incisive Virgoan Brain For The Benefit Of All.♍

Yeah, we gotta get organized, for sure.

So listen, Cancer, can I askya to think sum more about the baboon deal from las’ month?

Cos I am kinda sensin’ a pan-primate connection here with the evil space monkeys.

Gotta leaveya all now for Leo.

Will get back to the recipe deal for Taurus — an’ Gemini, we gonna figure the small shard of Uranus pokin’ out the sidea your skull thing also, y’ hear?

We get lucky, Aries dissed my one shot at sumthin’ like a standard horoscope this month an’ has not bounded off into the facea danger an’ got their stoopid ass KILLED.

What this teaches us, I guess, is how fuckoed we mebbe all are when calamity strikes an’ astrology ain’t around to help us out.

That said — my bad for not lookin’ online for ephemeris stuffs.

* goober *

Back soon…

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout Dragon Astrology. Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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LEO

July 23rd to August 22nd

♌It Is Leo Time. Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice! Our Winter Of Uncreative Misery Is Over, And I Demand Glam-Spangled Glitter Flasheth All Around In A Majestic Spectacle To Beguile And Effortlessly Charm.

I Wish To Remind One And All Of My Generosity Last Month — An Abundant Romp Of Goodwill Partly Inspired By The Astute Astro Guidance I Received From Princess Balestra … But Mainly Inspired By Myself After I’d Really Thought About It. She Suggested I Inspire An Otherwise Emotionally Stifling Cancer Period By Flagging Up My Forthcoming Birthday Party Celebrations And Thereby Filling Everyone’s Horizons With Abundant Optimism And Glory. By Issuing An Accompanying ‘Ideal Birthday Party Gift’ List, I’m Also Grateful To Have Provided Everyone With A Sense Of Purpose — Maybe Even A Will To Live.

What Concerns Me Now Is What Happens Next Regarding My Responsibilities. I Have Always Considered It Unfair How Leo’s Annual Month In The Sun — So Bursting At The Seams With Creative Warmth And Heart — Must Always Come To An End. In A More Benevolent Universe, The Leo Show Would Roll On Forever, So I Wish To Declare My Intention To Keep The Pussycat Momentum Spinning. When Other Zodiac Signs Take up The Sun’s Mantle And Bathe In Its Life-Sustaining Warmth, I Will Share The Stage With Them In The Spirit Of Combined Endeavor, Perhaps Assuming The Reins The Moment They Reveal Themselves To Be Utterly Lame In The Leadership Department—♌

Uhm … Leo

♌Leader Of The Jungle Though I Be, I Am Sufficiently Modest To Recognise That Most Smart People Will Have No Qualms About Backing A 24/7 Winner. Even If I Were The Worst Kind Of Loser — Ineffectual, Cowardly, Dishonest — It Would Not Surprise Me At All If 99% Of People Continued To Back Me On The Strength Of My Drop-Dead Gorgeousness Alone—♌

Leo … sweets

♌The More I Consider The Zodiac, The More I See How Its Equally Divided Celestial Pie Has Structural Disadvantages. Could Not We Rearrange The Non-Leo Eleven Into Some Kind Of Pyramid Structure Atop Which I Could Swank Eternally With Impressively Procreative Gaiety?♌

FFS, Leo — shutya fuckin’ mouth!

Aintchya heard my horoscopes got bust?

Whatever goodya think I dunya, it is over.

We got evil space monkeys gowin’ down, an’ right now as I hearya makin’ with the worst kinda self-aggrandisin’ rot, I gotta wonder what kinda leaderya thinkya frickin’ ARE!

Cos right now, you sound like a leech — takin’ alla my best Sajjo inspiration from Jooly an’ manglin’ it all weird.

But I am gonna forgiveya this one time, K?

No special favor, jus’ a drop dead thing.

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout Stillness for Fire Signs. Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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VIRGO

August 23rd to Sepember 22nd

 

You there, Virgo?

♍Of Course. Why Wouldn’t I Be?♍

Ha ha. Very funny. That is so Virgo.

But, listen — I am gonna make with your horoscope now, kinda spontaneous an’ spirityool seein’ as I got no ephemeris.

Gonna trust to brute Sagittarian instinct!

♍May I Say Something About That? It’s Important.♍

Sure. Go right ahead.

♍Am I Right In Thinking That You Now Believe The Uranians Have No Involvement In The Present Evil Space Monkey Situation?♍

Yeah. Kinda good news, huh?

♍But WHY Do You Believe This? What Process Of Reasoning Led You To This Conclusion?♍

Aw, see, that’s real easy cos Gemini said how the Uranians sent sum telepathic messages—

And Are These Uranians The Same Ones She Described As “1200′ Tall Moose Creatures With Musical Neon Beards”? As An Astrologer, You Really Should Know Better By Now That Geminis Do Not Always Tell The Truth. I Would Go As Far As To Say That A Small Minority Of Geminis Are Unable Even To Recognize The Truth.

So you figure…

♍I Will Reveal What I “Figure” Later. Now Please Kindly Inform Me Of My August Horoscope.♍

Ooh ooh — I jus’ had a Eureka moment!

Gotta figure those evil space monkeys might notta been evil space monkeys after all.

What if they were actually MORE BATS?

Shape-changin’ bats … here in my apartment again … raidin’ my astro secrets … jus’ like they did when they stole alla my Moon Sign Horoscopes?

♍As A Synopsis Of What I Was Thinking While Leo Was Off On A Rant, Your Eureka Moment Is Relatively Accurate. May I Suggest That Any Future Plan … The Avengers … Formulate Is Based On A Clear Connection Between Uranus And Your Pilfering Bats? Perhaps The Key To Solving This Entire Mystery Lies In The Small Shard Of Petrified Ammonia Lodged In Gemini’s Skull.♍

Thanks. That is real clear, real smart.

♍I Am Aware Of This. But Thank You. It Is Always Pleasant To Receive A Compliment.♍

Aw, fuck — now see what we gone an’ done?

We used up alla your frickin’ August Horoscope time potentially savin’ the Cosmos!

I am so sorry!

♍And I Too. It’s Unfortunate, But I Will Wait Now Until September. The Rules Are The Rules, And They Exist For A Reason. So Do Please Move On Now To Libra, As You Must…♍

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout Astrolodjinnification as a Pseudo-science. Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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LIBRA

September 23rd to October 22nd

So, hey, Libra — we got—

♎No Need To Explain. I’ve Been Listening In. And I’m Disturbed. Not A Single One Of You Has So Far Considered There May Be No Evil Intent On The Part Of The Bats. Even If There Is — Why Do We Have To Fight Them Or Destroy Them Or Overcome Them? Why Can’t All Creatures Co-exist In The Same Beautiful Cosmos?♎

Fuck the frickin’ Cosmos!

I got bats masqueradin’ as evil space monkeys, rootin’ around in my apartment an’ shreddin’ alla my stuff — an’ I am supposed to jus’ lie down an’ take it?

FFS, what kinda clown gonna do THAT?

♎You Did, Princess. You Lay Still In Your Bed, And You Watched It All Happen. Cowardice Is Neither Courage Nor Diplomacy.♎

Hey — I was frickin’ scared, K?

Those monkeys had guns.

♎I Get Scared Too. Every Time I Encounter Conflict, Every Time I Talk Angry People Down, Every Time I Meet The Gaze Of A Psychopath With An Open Heart. Some People Think Librans Are Wooly And Weak, But We Are Not.♎

So what was I supposed to do — leap outta my bed in my frickin’ panties an’ go introdooce myself to a buncha heavily-armed space primates … all kinda get the fuck outta my apartment before I … I … strafe the shit outta your miserable monkey brains with laser beams fired outta my titties?

♎There You Go Again. Conflict, Conflict, Conflict.♎

So what — I set my titties to STUN or sumthin’?

♎First Thing You Do Is To Throw On Some Clothes. As A Libran, I Appreciate The Sartorial Beauty In All Things, Especially The Human Form. But I Also Know First Impressions Count. If You Introduce Yourself To The Monkeys With Your Breasts Exposed, They Might Consider This Disrespectful.♎

Disrespectful?

Those bastards’re trashin’ my fuckin’ ephemeris!

♎Then You Must Stand In Your Bedroom Doorway And Calmly Ask Them Why They Have Chosen To Do This. Be Non-judgemental, And Take Care To Avoid Using Microaggressions Such As “Evil Fucking Space Monkeys” As You Go On To Ask How They Would Feel If Someone Behaved Disrespectfully With Respect To Their Stuff, Their Personal Space.♎

What is the problem with callin’ ‘em evil fuckin’ space monkeys, FFS?

They are shape-shiftin’ BATS, remember?

Call ‘em cunt piss wank fuckhole shit spazz fuckin’ space monkeys, they ain’t gonna care.

An’ anyways, I go say what you jus’ said ‘bout personal space an’ stuff, those fuckin’ bats jus’ gonna come back with sumthin’ like we don’t fuckin’ care cos we are so fuckin’ EVIL.

An’ it don’t matter shit if I got on my favo dragon kimono or I am doin’ sum yoga split routine with my fanjo flappin’ out all Full Voila.

♉Uhm, Taurus Here. Is This A Good Time To Remind You About My Dinner Party?♉

♎Excuse Me. The Princess And I Are Talking.♎

♉Doesn’t Sound Like Talking To Me. You Woke Me Up.♉

♎Me? I Was Keeping My Voice Down. Let Me Play That Back For You And You’ll See.♎

♉You Record Your Conversations?♉

♎Sure. Doesn’t Everyone?♎

Pssst! Princess! Over Here…

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout Astro Love & Romance Compatibility. Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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SCORPIO

October 23rd to November 21st

♏I will be frank with you, Princess, just say it as it is. While everyone has been bickering, I’ve made with the necessary subterfuge. As a Scorpio, I have access to the Underworld. All things must ultimately taste death, and the Underworld binds them as one. It’s the fastest way I know for traveling from A to B, so I took a look in on Uranus for you. Black Widow.

Virgo was right about everything. These are Uranian bats — and they are dangerous. The reason they shredded your ephemeris wasn’t so they could build a nest — they were looking for Mother Cosmosis’ fingerprints. When you graduated from Astrology School, she gave you her own childhood copy, and its pages bear the story of her life as Eternal Cosmos Funkster Supreme, one fingertip imprint at a time. The bats now have all the fingerprints in a cauldron, deep below the surface of Uranus, and they plan to manufacture brain poison — and paralyze the galaxy before unleashing their disruptive forces Cosmos-wide … and unopposed. The Gemini shard was a test. We have to find that airhead — and fast. Prise shard from cranium and turn its power on the bats. But it will take someone special, someone unusually brave … possibly even stupid … to wrest the paralyzed ammonia shard from Gemini’s skull.♏

♈I Nearly Died! I Nearly Died! I Nearly Died!♈

Heya Aries!

♏Thinks — yo, Patsy.♏

So, what happened?

♈So I Got On This Motorcycle, See, And These Guys Were Like Shouting Soon As The Helicopter Blades Kick In, You Zoom Up The Ramp And Fly Between ‘Em — But Then The One Guy Started The Helicopter Up Too Early And A Blade Flew Off And Speared My Petrol Tank Just As I Was Lighting A Cigar. It Was So Fun!♈

So how d’ya fancy hittin’ on a loonpants Gemini and prisin’ sum petrified Uranian Ammonia the fuck outta their skull?

♈With My Teeth?♈

Hey, I don’t care if’n you useya asshole — jus’ bring the darn thing back here.

♈Gimme A Sec…♈

I figure when Aries gets back, we gotta mebbe use the shard as a bargainin’ chip.

Bats know we got it, they also know we are on to their scheme, kinda intimidation scare tactics.

We shit ‘em enough, kinda say how we stole their idea an’ cum up with more powerful brain poison than they got, we can make ‘em think twice. ‘Bout their fiendish scheme.

♏It’s a radically different approach to Scorpionic subterfuge, I guess — but do you have anything in your locker to back up your audacious threat?♏

Do I fuck!

But it is a real cool Sagittarian strategy works over an’ over.

We gonna shit those bats with fire science, K?

So I am gonna commune with my horsey buddies now, figure sum incendiary bullshit gonna make those Uranus bat clowns wish they never been born.

We Sajjos had it real bad las’ month with alla that Cancerian emotion stuff swishin’ about the place, but we got ourselves through it massagin’ one another with our legs in the air, an’ now we got the Sun in fireball Leo, prolly it is time we bust out an’ made a splash.

So, listen — thanks for the cool assists, Scorp.

Gotta figure we can all depend onya resourceful smarts when crap is gowin’ down.

Time now for Moi to pick up my bow, throw out my titties — an’ shake my provocative Sagittarian frickin’ ass…

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout The filosophical implicationsa Foretellismo. Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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SAGITTARIUS

November 22nd to December 21st

You here, Saj?

We got a problem needs fixin’ real good.

Saj?

Saj?

Ha! Fuckin’ typical.

The one timeya need a Saj real bad to fix stuff up — an’ they ain’t home.

I guess this one is downta Moi now — so lemme jus’ go get my Bethany Wiccasplatz crystal ball an’ give ’em a call.

Gonna show these Uranian bat clowns who is boss, tellya…

You there, Uranian Bat Cunt Beests?

“We are here. We are Bat. We Are Aquarius.”

So, listen up — on behalfa Planet Earth an’ its citizens, an’ alla the citizensa the Cosmos, an’ their frickin’ pets, gotta tellya the Zodiac Avengers’re on to your pan-Universe brain poison scheme an’ ima tellya straight out how we gonna fuck onya ass BIG TIME.

You got 24 hours to return Mother Cosmosis’ fingerprints to Moi an’ abandon your scheme or the Zodiac Avengers gonna unleash Cerebellular Paralysis Incarnate upon your prized Aquarian Geniuscraft brainos.

You know imbecility is worse than death — so do not mess with us, K?

This is Princess Balestra.

Over an’ out.

Aw FFS howdya switch this stoopid frickin’ toon off…?

“You overlook one fundamental factoid, Princess. Uranus is retrograde from August 3rd and all that follows will be subject to his erratic verve.

In addition, you left your crystal ball switched on from the last time you used it to spy on Benedict Cumberbatch in the shower — and we know you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN YOUR LOCKER to back up your threat.

There is a button on the base of the crystal ball btw. Toggles the music on and off and also enters your details into a lottery for exotic European cheeses.”

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! This is so over.

We lost. We are toast. We are—

Aw, cum on, don’t be beat.

Impossible situation, impossible odds — that gotta mean sumthin’ positive gonna cum outta the mix, surely.

If not, then the lame guys get to decide what is possible.

So c’mon, Balestra — think think think.

There has gotta be sum positive cum outta this, there has gotta.

Yeah.

Hey — you still there, Taurus?

♉Kinda. I Am In The Middle Of A Movie, But Whassup?♉

What say we turnya dinner party into an Exotic European Cheese Night?

Lotsa fancy nibbles, kinda sophisticated buffet style.

♉With Like Grapes And Delicate Biscuits? A Salad Garnish Big On Shredded Fennel?♉

Your Mom cool with that?

♉Mom And I Aren’t Talking Right Now. But That’s Another Story. More to Do With Me Than With Her.♉

Lemme guess — she said sumthin’ pissedya off, an’ now you gonna go sulk for like a frickin’ week?

♉Maybe. Until You Said About The Cheese. That’s A Real Neat Idea For A Dinner Party, And I Know My Work Colleagues Are Going To ADORE It.♉

No problem, sweetie.

I am nuthin’ if not fulla wise counsel gonna fix evryone up.

Sadly, what I am not is kinda credible rn…

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout how astrology gonna slay your evil imaginary friends. Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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CAPRICORN

December 22nd to January 19th

♑At A Pinch, I Can Fix This For You.♑

Gowan…

♑Your Bullshit Clearly Didn’t Wash With The Bats. Bring Me The Shard And I’ll Weaponize It. I’ll Make Your Stupid Idea So Real Those Bats Will Pay. Technically, I’m Busy Right Now, And It’s A Real Bind And All, But I Guess If The Universe Is At Stake, I Gotta Take Five. My Names’ Cindy, btw. I Sell Hand Crafted Jewelry Online.♑

♈Here’s Your Gemini Skull Shard Thing. Took A While To Yank Free, Otherwise I Would Have Been Back Here Like Yesterday.♈

Can you do sumthin’ with this, Cappy?

The bats got a whole buncha Mother Cosmosis’ fingerprints swillin’ away in a cauldron, but ifya really can manufacture sumthin’ smart … sumthin’ disablingly counterpowered … gonna spike their plans big time, then count me in as a super-impressed swooner.

♑It’s A Whole Afternoon’s Work To Cut The Petrified Ammonia Shard To Shape … And It’s Gonna Be Tricky … But … But …♑

You can do it?

♑Sure I Can DO It — I Just Have To Consider An Appropriate Fee.♑

You OK to be paid in Tequila?

♑No.♑

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout the Saturnian Romance Miracle. Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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AQUARIUS

January 20th to February 18th

♒Princess, I Am Concerned. As An Aquarius, I Feel A Deep Disquiet About Events Taking Place On My Ruling Planet, Uranus.♒

For sure, it is no kinda fun whenya home team … orya besties … callya good name into disrepoot.

But we gonna get to the bottoma this, prom.

Gotta figure those darn space bats got an agenda all their own.

Plus also, Uranus switchin’ out all retro from August 3rd was never gonna pass without no consequence.

♒Can You Fix Me A Quick Horoscope? It’s Hard Being An Aquarian Sometimes. In Many Ways, Life Is So Crystal Clear — And Yet I Spend Most Of My Days Being Misunderstood.♒

Hey, I figure we all got summa that.

Gotta think on how it is sumtimes whenya are alone inya personal space.

Door is shut on the world, an’ it is jus’ you — all alone withya thoughts, reflections, dreams an’ memories.

Ifya are lucky, mebbe you got a stoopid pet in there withya.

Point is, you cannot stay in that place too long.

Solitood got big advantages, an’ sum folks thrive on it, but we alla us gotta have input an’ output, yanno.

Like go see a movie an’ then tell evryone about it, kinda thing.

Do that, you gotta open up the doorta your personal space an’ step out.

I guess it is like passin’ from a reflective inner state into a more social context.

That is the way with doors.

Real problem we all got is the portal between ourselves an’ evrythin’ else in the Cosmos — the amorphous barrier ends at our senses.

On one sidea the portal, we got a whole buncha soulstuff ain’t never gonna be outered in its entirety, ever — an’ nor should it be, I guess.

On the outsidea the portal, you got stuff.

Always seepin’ or gushin’ in onya.

Divide … or link … between ourselves an’ everythin’ else is the weirdest kinda conduit, tellya.

So I would not wanna believeya are especially maligned in this area.

It is perhaps evidencea Aquarian passion.

Gotta figure that is no bad thing you got gowin’ down for a sign often depicted as an emotionless robot.

♒ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz♒

Mebbe I should hire myself out to noo parents as an all-purpose infant soother.

Yeah, I could jus’ stop by whenever they got sum snotty kid wailin’ the place down cozza sum emergent tooth.

I would have a hoverboard an’ business cards.

“Hi, I’m Princess Balestra! I hear your kid is keepin’ ya up an’ I am here to soothe her iddy biddy head so’s you can function.”

“Thanks so much. We’re going crazy here. She’s been screaming for all Eternity. You’ll find her upstairs, first door on the right. Her name’s Pisces.”

“Say what?

“You’re the all-purpose infant soother, right? The one just answered our call?”

I nod, kinda confused.

Guy shows me upstairs. Wife appears. Real neat decor an’ aromatherapy stuffs.

Everythin’ is a blur till a door swings shut behind me.

Kid looks up from her bed. Red eyes. Snoopy pajamas. “Let’s fix those fucking bats in our dream.”

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout Sagittarian Firepower. Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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PISCES

February 19th to March 20th

I got Aries beside me, an’ we are in a helicopter. Leastaways, that is how it looks. Thing got propellors, an’ a glass bubble like sum big ole dragonfly head, but we are whooshin’ out into deep space ‘steada air.

Soo, yeah — bizarro flyin’ thing.

Weird thing is, I am bustin’ out on butterflies I can’t figure.

There is the thrilla deep space adventure, a kinda terror ‘bout what gonna happen when we hit Uranus — an’ there is Aries.

* So deeply hot, I wanna lick his hair.*

“You got Virgo’s instructions?” he says, hand on the joystick so carefree it is like the ‘copter is a ride in sum stoopid kids’ theme park an’ all the controls’re jus’ for play.

“Sure. You got the shard?”

“Check.”

Tellya, Capricorn dun sumthin’ real swanky with the shard, weaponized it real good. All we gotta do is hurl the fucker into the bats’ cauldron like a shuriken an’ alla the brain poison gonna be nootralized. Best part is how Virgo figured a spin on the shuriken means we slice alla Mother Cosmosis’ fingerprints back outta the poison mixture. Bats maya shredded her ephemeris, but they ain’t gonna mismangle her history.

♐Sum Time Later — Cos Flyin’ To Uranus Took Frickin’ Ages An’ Aries Did Not Take Kindly To Moi Lickin’ His Ears While We Was Avoidin’ An Asteroid Shower So We Had A Fight An’ I Dumped The Fucker On Saturn Then The Bats Showed An’ Now I Got Sum Explainin’ To Do.♐

“So, Astrology Princess — did you really believe we would permit you to fly your miserable ass into our purpose-built Bat Death Star Section Of Uranus, there to mess with our plans?”

(That is the Bat Queen speakin’, btw. I got zillionsa other bat beests surroundin’ me also, but they are so deathy quiet I cannot even hear ‘em breathin’.)

“Course not. Bats’re smart.”

(I am playin’ for time here, usin’ subtle charm an’ flickin’ my hair out all nonchalant.)

“Indeed. So before my bat hordes swoop down and consume your scrawny hide, perhaps you would care to discover what great evil Uranian Batkind will soon rain down on your sorry Cosmos.”

“As in — you spend like an hour talkin’ ’bout the brain poison plan I already figured, laughin’ maniacally evry five frickin’ seconds?”

“Point taken. Plus, my minions are hungry and have no time for stupid games.”

Your stoopid game, actschwlly, sweetie.”

K, so I got the bats all rattled now. Queen’s pride is hurt, an’ the bat beests’re squirmin’ all uneasy. That is the weirdest thing about submissive hordesa an evil nature — that tippin’ point between blind obedience an’ blind mutiny. Horde bats prolly wanna be here listenin’ to this crapola even less than Moi, I dunno. Main thing is, I got the cauldron in my sights. One sure shot from a centaur gal kinda expert in missile delivery an’ this is all over. I had a cool life, I guess, an’ though I would much rather sumone else be here to fix this … guess it is down to Moi.

“Eat Weaponzed Uranian Ammonia Shard, you fuckers!”

*   *   *   *   *

Mebbe I imagined I would be torn to shreds.

Or tortured.

But it is weird sumtimes how shit turns out.

I tuck Pisces sweet into her bed.

She is drowsy, but her fingers feel for me.

“We fixed ‘em,” she whispers. “We can fix anything in our dreams.”

Beforeya run off to Mother Cosmosis, screamin’ PRINCESS BALESTRA BROKE MY AUGUST FUCKIN’ HOROSCOPE, please remember the Astro Good I dun prior to this moment — a moment only thrust upon my diligent soul by evil space monkeys with eviller intent — an’ mebbe go check THIS BLOG POST ‘bout Pisces stuffs. Meantime, try here forya August scope, K? I will be back in September, prom.

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WTF?

Sorry, time is all gone.

Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?

No matter how specialya thinkya are.

So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.

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Douse me in sunlight.

Float me in air.

Breathe on me sweetly.

What else is there?