Astrology Fulla Rompolicious Stoopid For A Planet Packin’ Big Time Frickin’ Crap
Here's Whatchya Woulda Won If'n Only You'd Found Me Sooner
Scopes — April '17
How This Works
Sorry, sweetie — but it is brutally simple.
April 2017 is gone.
She is dust.
Feeble or strong, happy or sad — you are gone also.
Time is NOW, so don’t linger here too long.
It is the past, an’ it is over.
Get frickin’ movin’…
March 21st to April 19th
Thing about Zen an’ the Arta Havin’ Your Cake an’ Eatin’ It is how longya spend rollin’ the big ole cherry over the creamy toppin’ withya tongue as wavesa celestial deliciousness wash overya from outta Mother Cosmosis’ exclusive Raptures Dispenser.
I can feelya quiverin’, top to toe, with ecstatic zest right now — head down, lickin’ away at that sweet cherry, teasin’ off the yummy slapsa cream got stuck fast like you are rollin’ out a snowball.
Left, right, up, down — your tongue smooths the cherry over an’ over tillya name is engraved in the cream — along with a sensationally serifed I feel fuckin’ fantastic! flourish — ooh ooh an’ thenya give the scrummo sponge a squeeze, an’ a whole buncha real juicy jammo comes squishin’ outta the side an’ oozes downya chin.
So, yeah — welcome to April.
Tellya, Aries firepower cracketh off like a donkey derby where the starter pistol went off early an’ spooked riderless beasts from their stables. Incendiary initiative romps an’ stomps — an’ what is so cool right now for you rammo jammo types is howya rulin’ planet Mars is workin’ its ass off in Taurus to make so mucha your stuff HAPPEN.
But I gotta tellya, Cosmos goes loopsy doops the longer April runs. You mebbe got a head start on dealin’ with that, but no one is gonna be immune to the planetary Retrograde Bummer Downer flippin’ the mood all pooped on from on high. Joopiter been backin’ up a while, mixin’ things up in alla our relationships, but with Saturn an’ Plooto rearin’ up alongside Mercury an’ Venus, I figureya gotta watchya temper. Saturn, in particular, spells trouble. From the 6th, you gonna findya abundant energies meetin’ unusually tough resistance — an’ it is gonna feel frustratin’ — like mebbe Scarlett Johansson bustin’ a gut to film The Avengers vs The Fantastic Four, The X-Men & Mosta Frickin’ DC in a Black Widow costoom got shrunk in the wash. So, yeah, you got energy an’ verve for the highest all-action karate kicks — yet also the Elizabethan Lady Strapped Into A Restrictive Lacy Teepee Factor.
Spesh note jus’ to say 8th is nasty cos the Sun opposes Joopiter, an’ on the 9th Plooto dishes up a thorny square — so watch out for mebbe sumthin’ real important threatenin’ to go down the pan. On the plus side, the 14th is kinda Nipples Out! Trust me.
April 20th to May 20th
These are good times to be a Taurus. To hell with alla the jokes about how your delicious home-made pies swellya hips out real good for grabbin’ onto whileya are fuckin’(an’ the poopy-doo stuff says you are such a stick-in -the-mud stubborn type you shame Capricorn’s fishy tail into insignificance withya turnip tap root chic). Point is, we jus’ slipped outta a dreamy Pisces phase prolly done you some sensual an’ reflective good — an’ now action-packed Aries time drops with Taurus ridin’ high in Mars’ fiery hotseat.
Spring is here, an’ you can get shit done. Mars gonna fillya fulla stacksa energy, an’ when the Sun swoops in onya for the last parta the month, you gonna be on a roll. But I figureya gotta take this super personal. Lotta planets runnin’ retrograde riot gonna counter the broadly zesty fire enegies gowin’ on — but that is no bad deal for hard workin’ Taurus. You got the strength an’ tenacityta see out any backward Saturnian motion an’ keepya cool while it squeezes onya, an’ a retrograde Mercury don’t matter so much forya cosya know howta keepya own counsel while diligently fixin’ stuff up.
Point is, April has real VALUE — an’ like most things don’t come cheap, she gonna makeya sweat a little. I knowya gonna keep pushin’ on through, cos I figure past coupla months, you seen what is comin’, an’ you are ready to ship out with the necessaries, but I would not wantcha burnin’ up an’ out without no opportoonities for lavishin’ good stuff ‘pon yourself, so here’re sum datesta fix inya diary. Full Moon in Libra on the 11th gotta be good for makin’ with the social swanky, an’ when Venus an’ Mars get all flirtational on the 17th you can go play romance with the upper hand (an’ mebbe tastefully baser desires). Take the 20th to plan longer term treats, an’ live up the Noo Moon in Taurus on the 26th with sumthin’ to celebrate alla the hard work you done, like mebbe a real special bottlea wine or sum pasta whose nameya can’t pronounce. If fluffy animals feature also, then so much the better.
May 21st to June 20th
Uh oh — seems the parachute ain’t workin’ this time around.
You leapt outta the plane on a whim, same as usual, an’ whileya limb-synchin’ moves look real neat out on the dance floor, gotta tellya they don’t play so good whenya are flailin’ around for no non-existent rip cord asya plummet through the stratosphere.
Weird thing is, where did the frickin’ ground go? Clouds jus’ passedya by asya gesticulated your way through the best Broadway dance routines from the last 20 years, an’ now there is … kinda nuthin’ down below. An’ suddenly the idea that there is no groundta splat into seems a whole lot scarier than splattin’ into a whole lotta ground. Which kinda presentsya with a problem, Jemmo. See, cos it is like April decreed you gotta be the sign evryone forgot. Planet is gone, ground is gone, mountains’re gone, material substance is gone — an’ alla the joy an’ hurt an’ super interestin’ hooman persons stuff is gowin’ on sumplace else. An’ you’re still fallin’, fallin’, fallin’ — all dangera bein’ splatted totally squishoed, along with any desiresya maya had for bein’ centera attention as usual.
K, so immediate danger is over — an’ I seeya registered that already by howya foldedya arms an’ made with that pout. Only deal now ista preventya from gettin’ bored until shit starts happenin’ again — an’ I gotta tellya that may be sum time. Mebbe you should take advantagea the situation an’ practise sum anti-grav Yoga. I realise this ain’t exactly a zero grav scenario, but with nuthin’ underya feet it is the closestya gonna get this sidea persuadin’ NASA they need a totally unskilled astronaut for their next space station selfie-off. (If’n you are an astronaut, you’ll understand alla this. Actschly, I figure astronauts understand most things, an’ it has always seemed ironic to me that rockets whose evry half ouncea payload adds trillionsa dollars to the space program bill should be manned by people with the biggest brains on the planet.) It is prolly a cheesy suggestion, but I figure makin’ star shapes would be cool.
June 21st to July 22nd
Tellya, a lotta angry stuff is gowin’ forward, an’ a lotta what is left in the aftermath is either gowin’ backward or gettin’ stuck.
That is when it paysta move sideways — an’ I figure you are highly talented in that area. No one negotiates a crowded subway better’n a Cancer. Dunno what it is, but most other signs get that deal all wrong. Anyways, point is that a whole buncha planets’re misbehavin’ right now an’ makin’ shit real difficult. Forget the “long nighta the soul” — this is the long montha back-to-back downhome Country Music weepo favorites. Canya see where alla this is headed, sideways motion specialist? As the planets battle it out to roar forward on energized fire an’ shuffle off backward in the kissin’ an’ relationships areas, only a seasoned line dancer gonna make it through the ensuin’ melee down below on Terrorized Firma.
So here’s how we figureya lines asya pull on a paira stirrups an’ negotiate April as a rhinestone pinball determined not to be spanked outta play by no lame flippers. Pisces season is over, an’ though Spring is normally all neat an’ motivatin’, 2017’s offerin’ packs real danger, an’ your first sideways shuffles come 6th, 8th an’ 9th. Zero confrontation, Cancer, an’ do not speak outta turn. Jus’ keep on crabbin’, four day clickety clickety obliquecraft marathon. See that out an’ you can fast forward some easier linesta the Full Moon on the 11th an’ Venus direct in Pisces on the 15th. 17th is whenya can take a real sweet mid-month break from any directional shimmyin’. Forstooth — ‘tis a day hollers SEX! Prolly you gonna be walkin’ round sideways resta the month if’n that works out nice, but I gotta say, last halfa April is better all round as the heat drops outta Aries an’ more dependably homely vibes hum from what is lookin’ to be a real juicy Taurus season. Jus’ play the sideways deal one more time on the 21st — this is Plooto gowin’ retrograde an’ you mebbe don’t wanna look in too close on that deepo introspection jus’ yet. Simply keepya pincers up, all pointily dinky, asya cross to the Noo Moon on the 26th for mebbe more sex an’ possibly a donut, an’ I figureya gonna emerge from April’s astrological gnarler in way better shape’n most.
July 23rd to August 22nd
I figure fire signs got a real weird deal right now.
It is like sum benevolent imp bust into Mother Cosmosis’ secret sanctum an’ made like a leprechaun tinker with her very best plans for hoomanity. An’ now he is peein’ his pants with malicious glee as he gazes upon alla the Flamo types an’ says, “behold how the heavens are a-rocking with inspirational fireworks hellbent on delivering ultimate creative power to your fingertips — and yet, reel and recoil also as retrograde bummer after retrograde bummer spins that very same power away, away, away, ever beyond your grasp.”
I dunno, evrythin’ feels like it oughta work out good right now, only it jus’ kinda ain’t. Alla your supremo gifts an’ talents ain’t interfacin’ an’ kissin’ up with alla your peoples an’ projects. Gotta blame retrograde action in Joopiter, Venus an’ Saturn for makin’ alla the generosity to others c/o a shamelessly self-promotin’ flaunta fancy that isya trademark so goddamn impossibly difficult.
So, wanna know what we are gonna do?
Go Join A Pottery Class An’ Fix Upya Dick or Boobies
Yes! Yes! Yes! Self-indulgent Leo getsta play with alla them filtho sensual (an’ equally self-indulgent) energies fluxin’ outta Mars in Taurus — so go sitchyaself down at the pottery wheel an’ shape, shape, shape.
Be unrestrained inya creative zeal. Work sumthin’ impressively delicious into life as the clay squishes, wet an’ sloppy, betweenya fingers. Make your creation bold, make it proud, make it good enoughta eat — an’ whenya are done, paint it wild an’ crazy like Picasso gowin’ out on a limb after drinkin’ cocktails mixed from Dali’s blood, dripped from above by a naked Jackson Pollock.
Whatever anatomy you wanna render in fired-up clay, getchya lush creation massaged into life an’ up onya livin’ room wall before the month is out. An’ next timeya got friends round, be sure to holler proudly, “April 2017 sure was crazy — but FFS willya look at my fuckin’ gorgeous dick/boobies!”
August 23rd to Sepember 22nd
Tellya, I love time travel fiction an’ movies.
It is onea the most powerful narrative devices this sidea you wake one mornin’ to find Benedict Cumberbatch in bed alongsideya — only he has lost his memory, speaks only in rhymin’ couplets, an’ prolly left his memory in the same place he ditched his frickin’ underwear.
There is such play in those time twister scenarios. Wanna hog sum limelight? Then jus’ hit the Ancient Egyptian era packin’ heavy dooty construction vehicles, a sphinx cat — an’ a functional water & sewage system. Wanna save the planet? Hook up the ozone-starved inferno that is 2099 to the dinosaur era atmosphere an’ flip the switch on the reptilio-methane fart pump. Wanna do sumthin’ real smart RIGHT NOW as life bowlsya opportoonities an’ challenges gonna open up conflictin’ pathways inta the fyooture?
Ha! Courseya do! Forks in the road are kinda super Virgo territory. Clear choice. One way or the other. Pick or choose. Pros an’ cons. Decision.
So I would wantchya to weigh up very carefully the competin’ forces pullin’ April apart cos alla that Virgoan nitty picky deconstruction an’ dissection got one purpose an’ one purpose only — to keep evrythin’ rollin’ along an’ tickin’ over jus’ frickin’ practically perfect. An’ you got an ally in Taurus right now, powerin’ stuff up with Martian ooomph — an’ soon to turn the Sun from a weaponized Arian tantrum into the brilliantest ever machine for makin’ anythin’grow. Your problem, as ever, is mostly OTHER FUCKIN’ PEOPLE — cos so manya ‘em are movin’ backwards. Retrograde Joopiter an’ Venus got evryone’s emojis an’ feels in a spin, Saturn is bowlin’ ‘em a negative narrative, an’ Mercury is poised to join ‘em in a retro timeslip cataclysm ‘pon whose undeletable pop-up window Plooto jus’ announced its full an’ darkest support.
An’ I guess that is the deal with alla the best time travel fiction an’ movies. No one ever ends up WHEN they want. Sumtimes, they don’t even know when WHEN is. But YOU DO. For sure, life is in a spin, an’ asya ruler, retro Mercury gonna tugya inta the whirl along with evryone else, but you got discernin’ smarts gonna letchya juggle stuff. It is chaos, but YOU ALONE know how an’ why an’ WHEN evrythin’ is jus’ so.
September 23rd to October 22nd
The more I look at April, the more I figure she is gonna set a test for evryone.
An’ mebbe that test gonna cutya more’n most as unruly an’ disruptive Arian bloodlust rampages over the bunny-friendly musical flower patchya callya heart. Thing is, you got sum small slicea luck onya side meansya can set a few traps. Remember, Joopiter is retrograde inya own sign, so you gotya finger closer to the freakoed relationships pulse than most, an’ cos the mood right now is kinda impulsive, your inner harmonium is in jus’ the right place to max out on bein’ real self-sufficient in the facea disaster. So get primin’ those roses an’ chrusanthemumsies into Smile Bombs an’ Irrepressible Charm Missiles. Then, when trouble comes rollin’ along (as it sure will), you can deflect the worst volcanic excesses an’ mebbe beguile the Cosmos into submission with onea your stoopid interpretive dance routines.
Tippin’ point comes around the Full Moon on the 11th. The Lycanthrope Liberator got your name on it this time round so take full advantage by surroundin’ yourself with only beautiful people an’ things — even if that means lockin’ yourself away in the bathroom for two days whileya cavort naked before the mirror in stolen undergarments. Your home world, Venus, spins direct jus’ after the Moon rolls outta Libra an’ heads off into Taurus, which oughta make the charm offensive much, much easier. Think on that, whileya are manifestin’ tinglydangly rhythm in sum club — or besideya tub.
Best day for buyin’ sumone dinner an’ bein’ showered with kisses? Gotta be the 21st. So go become that hoobristically-minded icona selflessness jus’ as the Aries stompfest turns in for another year. It is called soft vengeance — an’ if it is on the menu, I would order it over the Chocolate Brownie or Elephant Milk Ice Cream Gado Gado.
October 23rd to November 21st
I know Venus Gowin’ Backwards In Pisces sounds like a porno, but it is April’s essential plan.
You got Joopiter an’ Saturn underpinnin’ the whole weird retrograde dynamic, an’ Mercury gonna join in the fun as the month skips into gear. An’ alla this is happnin’ while up top in the drivin’ seat, Arian zestyblasty rocks out with exooberance. So what does this mean?
It is like the Cosmos split in half, an’ opposin’ forces massed on either sidea the divide. Fiery Mars in Taurus wants sumthin’ DONE, but people shit an’ situational shit ain’t aligned too good right now. So you gotta figure on bein’ a ghost — slip out into the great divide an’ go lookin’ for information gonna helpya piece stuff together. You got a bedsheetya can throw over yourself beforeya read any further, go get it now. The paler in color the better — an’ preferably with no patterns or motifs. Point about bein’ a phantom is howya gotta lack all essential substance.
So get underya bedsheet down here with Moi an’ askya self what is the most strikin’ thing ‘bout my reality right now? I figure ifya are honest, it is that you can no longer see your immediate surroundings cosya got a frickin’ sheet overya head — unless you got real wispy, silky bedsheets in which case GO YOU for bein’ delish. What this means is, your surroundings can no longer see you. It is likeya got sum protective shroud, keepin’ you safe from the celestial ballistics firin’ off across the direct/retro divide with the power to harm the unwary. An’ FFS, you wanna take a peep at what is gowin’ on, allya gotta do is lift up the bedsheet.
Tellya, Mars in Taurus turnsya into a phantom with the powera TOUCH. So get out into that raw space where people an’ desires wanna meet up but mebbe can’t, an’ be the hand gonna reach out into danger an’ start pullin’ stuff together. Plooto goes retro on the 21st, an’ that is whenya bedsheet figures on true protective phantom power, so go fix up the Void.
(Jus’ to be clear, I am not suggestin’ you wear the bedsheet IRL 24/7 btw — unlessya got a Leo ascendant an’ wanna make a spalsh.)
November 22nd to December 21st
Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp!
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp!
Out to the edgea everythin’, out beyond all known confines, out to where deep mysteries writhe unashamed in the buff!
I figure this is the lustiest adventurea all, where stamina meets a kinda foolhardy curiosity, an’ I know whenya get to that place an’ dangleya burnin’ legs over the precipice howya feel likeya are trooly home, an’ I knowya wonder sumtimes ‘bout how alla he stick-in-the-mud people survive on that weird reassurance says bein’ trapped inside four sqaure walls is practically cosy stability — but I wanna warnya, you mebbe gonna experience sumthin’ real unpleasant this month. Evryone got sum kinda test in April, an’ this is yours.
There is an exhilaration inya trademark wanderlust stops it bein’ loneliness or runnin’ away. After all, runnin’ your fingers over the edgea reality’s fabric is the only way wisdom levels up an’ fills fulla power. But what if alla this quit workin’? An’ what if it happened whileya were out on a limb sumplace? Tellya, this Venus an’ Saturn retro deal gonna open up sumthin’ real dark an’ scary forya. From April 6th, be prepared for genuine doubt about summa your wildest certainties. 8th to the 21st, you got sum tough lessons comin’ — jus’ before Plooto grinds down even harder onya Booby Doo. Best hopeya got ista ride the nightmare till Monday 17th when Aries kicksya off with fire inya heart into morea a resolootion phase. Gotta figure sumtimes the edgea evrythin’ gonna feel unfamiliar, an’ mebbe you been takin’ your superpowers too much for granted. Mebbe this time, claustrophobic restraint gonna shackle the freedom outtaya insteada you uncoverin’ it for yourself on a wild romp.
Painful, yeah — but unashamedly true. Mebbe even exhilaratin’, if’n you wanna…
December 22nd to January 19th
You got the real deal Fix Shit Up Secret, for sure.
An’ in part, it explains your supreme grouchiness (though most everythin’ else helps). Must be exasperatin’ forya to know that the selfsame secretya got is perfectly available to anyone wants it — only insteada embracin’ it, people spurn the magic an’ get ‘emselves in a big ole mess, an’ though you got no real feelings for ‘em one way or the other (cos hey it is their own stoopid frickin’ fault), their wailin’ an’ moanin’ gets in the waya your peace, your plans an’ your passions in ways you cannot always control.
The secret is good, no-nonsense hard work, cast-iron certainty you got everythin’ planned real good, best resources to hand whenya need ‘em — an’ a trooly practical inspiration constructs life-changin’enterprise gonna stand the testa time. K — so most people’re prolly missin’ that last part, but if they weren’t such slackers, they could have the rest. Thing is, Saturn (an’ that whole unrelentin’ direction ethic) is a touchstone many fear. They do not see its beauty as you do, and would rather hang out with other planets gonna make ‘em look an’ feel good an’ give ‘em an easy ride.
But here is the problem with touchstones. Sumtimesya touch ‘em, an’ nuthin’ happens. So ya touch an’ touch an’ touch an’ touch sum more, wantin’ the magic back so bad, only to discover this feelinga nuthin’ is actually sumthin’ noo — sumthin’ you do not quite understand.
So, uhm, Saturn kinda breaks down on the 6th an’ his regular, reliable, Cappy-empowerin’ services will no longer be available. Gonna be like the touchstone equivalenta the internets gowin’ down, an’ for mucha this month you gonna be lame an’ frickin’ useless as evryone else. But I knowya made backups, right? Hand-made touchstones infused with life energyta seeya through the drain? Evrythin’ you’ve amassed — possessions, principles, people — isya replenishin’ battery right now while Mother Cosmosis fixes Saturn back on track. I will not utter the phrase fake penis, cos I knowya are a real connoisseur demands only the best, but thereya have it.
January 20th to February 18th
Ifya could get inside Mother Cosmosis’ celestial wheel an’ poke around with that buncha skeleton keysya call Uranian Inventiveness On A Roll, I figureya would experiment with alla the planetary options an’ combinations jus’ to see how stuff turned out. Even the scary ones.
“Hmm — so let’s see what happens if I run Saturn and Venus together in Pisces rubs the wrong way against Sajjo retro. Yipes! Distinctly unpleasant! And what a Death Bomb Pluto could become if I do THIS with it!”
Tellya, things’re so cranky right now I figure hidden Aquarian energies are messin’ with the mix like alla those Salamander People skulkin’ deep below the planet’s least accessible substrata who make alla the Earthquakes happen. Or is it jus’ me thinkin’ how all kindsa weird stuff is crackin’ off right now, from wing-an’-prayer politics to those stoopid transformations happnin’ closer to home inya personal relationships? I dunno, prolly April’s retrograde chaos kinda suitsya more’n most, an the disruptifyin’ possibilities hang neater onya spirityool heart than more stable an’ workaday scenarios past an’ fyooture, but that is what comes from bein’ a totally freako ditz, I guess.
Thing to remember this month as the heavens make an appeal to your dispassionate side is that you are a super cool friend also. Lotta people see this April real different, an’ in their disrupted passion travails they are mebbe either firin’ up big time or shuttin’ down in a non-positive fashion. Loudmouths prolly gonna make it through, but I wonder ‘bout those people inya life gone kinda quiet or distant or preoccupied. My suggestion? Time to dig out the Captain Hoomanity supercostoom an’ head on over whereya can do sum real Aquarian super friend good.
February 19th to March 20th
The heat is on. The screw is turned. The Iron Maiden is … not so much slammed shut aroundya as nailed to a flamin’ cliff an’ branded TARGET by the cruel demons mannin’ the catapult in whose bucket you are bound an’ gagged.
For sure, you got passion an’ direction — but evryone else inya life got much the same deal, an’ nuthin’ much coherent nor unifyin’ is workin’ out for anyaya. There are no cartoon rodents gonna lullya into sleepin’ wakefulness with their bidy widdy trumpet an’ harmonica arrays, an’ defo no wanderin’ packsa stoned masseurs with time an’ oil on their hands. There are only demons afoot.
“Shall we fire her direct onto doom’s sharpest spikes or splatter her against the cliff face as a second rate oblivion option clearly bypassing the headline deal, thereby causing maximum distress on an incinerated lifelong martyr, but I’ll get my reward one day ticket , O Master?”
“Hey — I thought you were the Master.”
“Technically, as demons, we’re all masters. But you’re right; I remember I was the master once. I guess we must have switched roles somehow, someplace along the line, perhaps as a result of cataclysmic celestial forces such as the very planets now manifest.”
“Unless it’s The Thong decides, like Hogwarts’ Sorting Hat. It certainly loves my curves right now.”
“Yeah. I forgot about the Demonic Thong. How I miss it so.”
“Aw, you’ll get your turn again soon enough. Either it’ll change its mind about who it wants to be Master, or the Cosmos will mastermind a subtle switchover involving Saturn’s rings.”
“Or I simply punch you in the fuckin’ chops and steal the thong from you.”
“You did that last time.”
“Oh yeah. It’s all coming back now.”
So … uhm … anyways — jus sit tight in the catapult bucket, K? I figure this gonna blow over sumtime before the millennium is out, after whichya can get back downta business…
Sorry, time is all gone.
Listen — there is NO 13th signa the Zodiac, K?
No matter how specialya thinkya are.
So quit bein’ a frickin’ weirdo an’ get real.
Douse me in sunlight.
Float me in air.
Breathe on me sweetly.
What else is there?