YOUR HANDY DEATH ASTROLOGY CALCULATOR

Astrology is the weirdest thing, tellya.

First, Mother Cosmosis flutters down outta the ether an’ says, “hey Princess — fuck alla them dreamsya got ‘bout bein’ a ballerina! Creation is short on astrologers right now, an’ the excitin’ worlda fortune tellin’ demands a new patsy!”

Next thingya know, reckless weekends spent clubbin’ till dawn suddenly become astro consultation after astro consultation — kinda should I let my Cancer cat pair off with my bestie’s Leo dog?, or I am an Aquarius; am I forever destined to get inside nowan’s frickin’ pants?, or (an’ this is the clincher, 5am, puke swillin’ outta evry john) when will I die, Princess, when will I die, when will I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie?

So, listen up.

I got sum astro epitaphs I ran a while back on my Twitter hangout gonna go sum wayta answerin’ that last question for evryone.

To be honest, I ain’t got no clue when anyone gonna die, least of all Moi,  but I figure what follows is mebbe a practical wayta get people to shut the fuck up askin’ stoopid questions when I am tryin’ to imbibe cocktails an’ stay on my feet.

Plus, I am on holiday an’ too frickin’ lazy to generate noo content.

So you gotta thinka this not as a rock-solid augury or prediction sesh but more like a Death Astrology Calculator.

You check in, you calculate, you figure onya death prose.

Easy!

So, c’mon — Zodiac, whenya ass is fried an’ no more juice slooshes outtaya tinglydanglies, what you gonna find onya tombstone for an epitaph?

Wanna calculate that outcome with Moi?

Oh — You Mean Like The Scene In The Muppet Christmas Carol Where The Third Spirit Reveals Scrooge’s Demise?

FFS — no way!

I am playin’ this one for laughs.

That is why it is called a Death Astrology Calculator.

Coolest thing: Calculator works real easy.

Almost like a … uhm … picture gallery.

You simply selectya star sign … check outya epitaph … then mebbe move on see what is happnin’ this month inya horoscope, jus’ in case today is your last.

Die-hard astro-aficionados may even wanna consult my Handy Horoscope Checklist tellsya HOW to do alla that bonin’ up onya stars deal in a manner both practical an’ illuminatin’.

I figure this is mebbe a wise wayta spend five minutes right now.

After all, there ain’t much else happnin’ on the internets beyond imminent nooclear armageddon an’ sum fuckin’ lame giraffe…

ARIES

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

TAURUS

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

GEMINI

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

CANCER

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

LEO

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

VIRGO

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

LIBRA

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

SCORPIO

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

SAGITTARIUS

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

CAPRICORN

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

AQUARIUS

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

PISCES

your death astrology calculator is your epitaph

Title Image c/o Total Frickin’ Mystery Person @ Pixabay

Spread the love, slip in the bookmark, mix up the linky.

Hey, I wanna be a generous person an’ credit alla the images I use — an’ this photographer’s collection gotta be onea the best I seen so far.

Go see.

Summary
Your Handy Death Astrology Calculator
Article Name
Your Handy Death Astrology Calculator
Description
See? I jus' made a PICTURE GALLERY sound like a COOL ASTRO RESOURCE. Fall for this an' you are mebbe gonna be suckered by way sneakier mind bendin' tactics further down the line on tamara's internets. Meantime — check the goofo Zodiac tombstones. At least one has your name on it.
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Princess Balestra
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By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-04-17T06:30:28+00:00"></span> |Astro Checklist, Death|0 Comments

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