<span class="sdata" title="10"></span> <span class="sdata" title="04, 2017"></span>

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2017-04-15T12:56:11+00:00"></span> |Astro Checklist, Mother Cosmosis, Practical Astrology, Scopes|0 Comments


One question people often ask me — in my capacity as astrologer person maxin’ out on celestial wisdom kudos — is do you have any handy tips for getting the most out of reading your horoscope, I dunno, like some kind of horoscope checklist?

Answer to that is an easy one.

“Sure,” I say, flushin’ my smile fulla the easy swankiness often seen in electrical stores where the trained electrical store person is sellin’ a monster TV to sum total fuckin’halfwit, “when Mother Cosmosis first anointed my chart preparation paraphernalia with her special magicks, she passed on to me a 10-point hit list fulla hints an’ tips for what she termed horoscope readin’ etiquette, but which I simply refer to as a horoscope checklist — an’ for your information, I got this pinned up on the bookcase next to my readin’ chair so I never forget to follow through its 10-step plan, either while I am readin’ my own ‘scope or (more importantly) fixin’ up regular monthly horoscopes for the resta hoomanity.”

Thing is, we are livin’ in way difficult times, O sweet observera wonders.

Too many world leaders’re plain assholes, too many people suffer needlessly, an’ evry timeya go see a noo Marvel movie, you gotta deal with that real mean naggin’ sensation says what happens when the old guy with the glasses an’ mustache don’t figure no more in the quirky cameos?

So I wanna share what I got.

For free. For nuthin’. For you.

An’ I wantchya to know I am gowin’ out on a limb here by revealin’ these horoscope checklist secrets…

A Lesson From History (Albeit One I Ain’t Mebbe Learned Too Good)

Prolly you never hearda Vincent de Chabrier, but I gotta tellya he got stiffed back in France roundabout 1760-sumthin’.

Similar deal to Moi right now, I guess — he got a hand-embroidered Les Etoiles Comme Bassins De Lit napkin bestowed on him by M.C. which he turned over to the citizensa Lyon.

(Actschly, rumor has it that he wiped his ass on it after hittin’ the wine real hard one weekend, an’ the decision to offer his astrological relic up to the public maya had more to do with shame than generosity, but that is how it goes with history, I guess. Mostly rumor.)

Thing is, Mother Cosmosis got real angry with him, an’ she swooped down from behind Plooto (where she was fixin’ it up, ready for its eventual discovery in 1930) an’ spanked his ass so hard he was unable to wear any kinda pants for a whole frickin’ month.

I could be in biiiiiig trouble here for what I am about to do, tellya — an’ I wantchya to know that asya read on in the spirita gratitood…

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist — How This Works

Deal is, you got a 10-point plan here pretty much constitoots the ultimate HOW TO guide for readin’ your horoscope.

Such things’re not to be taken lightly, an’ I gotta tellya, ifya follow these steps through to the letter, you gonna derive max possible benefit fromya horoscopes evry timeya read ‘em.

Wanna surefire way to hit on a smoother augury?

K, so here it is — all powered up by the very latest Apply as you Scrytm technology!

My Mother Cosmosis original won’t photocopy cos it is hand-weaved from super delicate ethereal wispofibers, so I deployed my very best artistic talents to generate an ultra handy infographic forya phone or tab you can kinda whip out real easy whenya wanna augury on down withya own personal Zodiac consultation rompo.

Oh, an’ Les Etoiles Comme Bassins De Lit is French for ‘The Stars As Bedpans’, btw.

horoscope checklist infographic helps everyone whatever their starsign

You can save this image, but I gotta tellya it is gonna read like it been licked by a frickin’ dog.

So mebbe download the swanky pdf file for max visyool pleasure.

Your Handy Horoscope Checklist — What To Do Next

Gonna giveya the same advice I offered sum professional Tapir hoof swallower consulted me las’ week.

With any kinda plan, there is no subsitoot for puttin’ shit into action immediately.

So get my handy 10-Point Horoscope Checklist downloaded onto your phone or tab an’ go checkya horoscope.

I figure mostaya are no professional Tapir hoof swallower gonna choke half to death (his fault, not mine). so you can go crazy with the NOW! NOW! NOW! zest, K?

An’ if you figure my counsel on this score is cool, my 5-step Spring Fever Cures All Plan would jus’ LOVE to get sweet withya mind, body, spirit, mojo an MORE!

That sound like a deal?

Title Image c/o Steve Buissinne @ Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="3"></span> <span class="sdata" title="04, 2017"></span>

Why Is My Horoscope All Weird?

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-03-16T20:44:24+00:00"></span> |Choice, Cosmic Roolz, Scopes|0 Comments


More to the point — why is my horoscope all weird right now?

I mean, c’mon — sumthin’ crazysnakes is clearly gowin’ down in the celestial vapors, palpable as a bug-eyed fly makin’ with a waterboardin’-style plip plip plip as it dips its mandibular feelo-suckers in runny cheese.

Don’t haveta read a word; you can feel this vibe so close up an’ personal it is likeya are gonna birth Cthuloid triplets.

But before I don my Astro-apparela Consummate Stargazy Expertise an’ answer the more specific question, lemme fix on sum general basics gonna beef upya Horoscope Awareness Talents.

Why Is My Horoscope All Weird? Prolly Cos I Am All Weird.

Libra excepted, this is almost always never true.

You may act on your horoscope, but inflooencin’ it is a harder trickta pull — unlessya are an astrologist or astrologer or astrolodjinni person, in which case you got sum control cos Mother Cosmosis grantsya special permission to write out the magic words.

Thinka what would happen if mebbe Leo got inflooential Weirdo Power over her daily ‘scopes.

An’ I am thinkin’ ‘bout Shaney Skelangro here — yanno, the gal from Maine with the goofy teeth an’ zero control over her Crush Squee Siren?

Yeah, that Shaney.

So she is sittin’ in her room with her (frankly stoopid lookin’) dog, an’ she reads romance is in the air for you, Leo, so go breathe it in with pranayama verve and expect love to come knocking!

Forget for a sec that Shaney is a geeky kinda gal an’ would never practise Yoga less’n she got abducted by mindful aliens checkin’ hoomanity for physical bendiness.

Point is, prolly her dog gonna flee downstairs at this point as decidedly non-yogic (an’ essentially weirsdily habityool) squee breaths fire offa her lungs with such ballistic venom she is gonna need a frickin’ ribcage replacement by the agea 24 if’n she don’t sort herself out on the love thang.

(An’ for more on the love thang, check out how astro compatibility got isshoos here an’ replay Valentine’s Day here to figure how eacha the signs figures in the Romance & Eromance departiemente.)

Gotta figure that readin’ your horoscope indicates you got sum kinda desire for self-improvement, most likely based on evidence your life currently sucks, so that last parta the ‘scope is really gonna set Shaney’s pulse racin’ — hence the hyperventilational gymnastics.

Love knocks, an’ physiological wappocraft kicks off — in that order — an’ when Shaney re-reads the breathin’ to blendyjuicy narrative suggested by the ‘scope, her immediate experience (dog has now slashed its throat outta pure terror btw) kinda says this horoscope is all weird because I am all weird.


By the enda the week, when Quentinola de Prescioquincunschwangoglossen drops career recieves a boost today as flirty Mercury hooks up with charming Venus, Shaney’s funeral is greeted by fam and friends alike as ‘the outcome of desperate plea to find true love in a harsh and cruel world that mysteriously coincided with the frenzied decapitation of her beloved Schnauzer Legolas at the hands of the family breadknife’.

So is your horoscope all weird because you are all weird?

Trust me — you do not wanna go there.

Why Is my Horoscope All Weird? Prolly Cos Evrythin Is All Weird.

Stoopid thing is, that sounds pretty accurate to Moi.

Assoomin’ evrythin’ includes alla the planets whose intertwinklin’ is responsible for alla the celestialvapor-swishin’ zodiacal action allows gifted astrologer persons to formulate horoscopes in the first place, then if an astrological entity like The Moon forms a significant aspect with, say, Mars, while elsewhere in the orbital dance routine Joopiter hits real subtle on Pluto with a once-in-a-generation aspect got more syllables to its name than Scorpio can down cocktails in an hour an’ still stay standin’, then this specific (nay, weird) celestial combo is precisely the raw material gonna fuel horoscopes for eacha the signs.

Or from where else is alla the astrological schwango derived?

Catch here is how EVRYTHIN’ (weird or no) can inflooenceya HOROSCOPE (weird or no) — an’ yet YOU (sum small parta evrythin’) (an’ most certainly weird as batshit in my book if you are hangin’ out with Moi) CANNOT.

Do not ask me to resolve this thorny issue right now.

I am not a frickin’ botanist.

Why Is My Horoscope All Weird? Prolly Cos Life Itself Is All Weird.

I like this very much.

It is organic an’ fluid — indicativea heart, passion an’ mutual adventurepops.

Gotta figure most people look upon their horoscope as a kinda touchstone momentarily reconnectin’ ‘em with values, feelings an’ aspirations they hold dear.

Sajjo jus’ loves readin’Sajjo stuff, I guess — same as resta the Zodiac drills down on their superpersonal 8.3%a the astro action.

Sure, we got other stuff also, like favo shoes, places we like to go, structurally bizarre lizards we keep under the bed an’ get out at night when we cannot sleep (Shaney Skelangro’s bestie does this, btw), but where shit goes wrong is when people confuse considered prediction with certainty an’ view their horoscope as a script or instruction manual steada the producta sum drunken harridan a kinda landscape or blenda zeitgeists/potentialities — or jus’ a plain ol’ selectiona stuffya might wanna consider today.

Truth is, astrology got no more claim on the fyooture than money guys gamblin’ on their assets, politicians advocatin’ values, an’ anyone bettin’ thousandsa dollars on the boxer with the biggest dick.

Eacha these predictive disciplines got past form gonna inform — but it is only partial.

Jus’ cos astrology takes in’ evrythin’ don’t mean it is the final word on anythin’.

I do not like any kinda situation where EVRYTHIN’ may inflooence or control US, but we don’t get to reciprocate.

Enter into such an arrangement wilfully, then I figure you are fuckin’ stoopid.

So I would want horoscopes always to be touchstones.

Small an’ illoominatingly regular skips through time an’ space upon which you might wanna reflect so you can better effect changesya wanna see.

You are cast in all kindsa ways — butya are also FREE.

Think I said sumthin’ about this starta 2017 when I considered what it might mean to be resolved whenya desire for change comes up rough against … ulp … evrythin’.

Why Is My Horoscope All Weird Right Now?

Becauseya are not alone.

History shows how the world evolves through successionsa definable epochs.

Problem is, whenya are dumped right in the middlea one as it is playin’ out, day-to-day speculation wins out over proclamatory epochulation.

Truth is, we trooly DO NOT KNOW what is emergin’right now, an’ until science fits us all up with time-warpin’ cyberboobies, gotta figure our lives’re so brief we cannot revisit earlier times an’ look for clues gonna help us (beyond mebbe bonin’ up on shit don’t come offa the internets).

Drillin’ down smaller, you mebbe got sumthin’ to work with — an’ that is why I run regular monthly horoscopes.

Once evry 30 days, you can drop on by an’ touch base with sum small fragmenta the Cosmos’s divine wonder as manifested in 300 wordsa incandescently profound garbage.

(I am quotin’ my beta reader here.  Do not blame me for any praise currently orbitin’ Moi.)

Thing is, you seen April before, you got feelings for her, an’ despite only 11 months passin’ sinceya las’ met up an’ hung out, she cannot be relied upon to be exactly the same.

There is noo stuff, there is always noo stuff — besta all there is noo stuffya made for yourself.

As a free agent inflooenced by EVRYTHIN’, no less!

Natcho, you want this freedom to continue, an’ your horoscope figures alongside alla the other stuffya got gowin’ down inya life narrative armory, but April 2017 got a planetary showdown gowin’ on kinda makes consultin’ your horoscope touchstone almost DANGEROUS.

The heavens blaze with ardent an’ impassioned FIRE — not the warmin’ Leo kind nor the inspirational Sajjo variety, no no no we are talkin’ the weaponized, carbonizin’ Aries kind — while the people-friendly sweetheart planets  — Venus an’ Joopiter — play dirty c/o retrograde energy sickness alongside THE REAL FUCKIN’ MONSTERS — Mercury, Saturn an’ Plooto — havin’ a MUTUAL BAD HAIR DAY GROUCH FEST an’ seekin’ only to DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY!

Easily irritated Arian violence meets a quintuple cuntfesta SMOTHER, SWAT, STIFLE, STING an’ STUFF HARD UP THE POOPER.

Sadly, that is not weird — it is the truth.

So, yeah — “Horoscope All Weird” prolly sums up where shit is at right now for most evryone.

But what else d’ya want?

Horoscope All Same Old Same Old — Exactly As It Was When My Dear Grandaddy’s Gandaddy’s Grandaddy Consulted HIS Horoscope Touchstone And Smiled With Duped Contentment That The Cosmos Existed In Such Near-Permanent Stasis He Went Round And Round And Round And Round And Round And Round And Round And Round In The Same Old Circles Till His Teeth Fell Out And He FUCKIN’ DIED?

C’mon — I am tryin’ to saveya here.

Title Image c/o Steve Buissinne @ Pixabay

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