SATURN DATING TIPS
Tellya, Saturn gotta be the loneliest planetary heart.
Cosmos is awash with celestial meetups, good an’ bad, an’ though any kinda opposition involvin’ Plooto gotta feature high stakes pooper power, prolly the worst thing can happen to any planet seekin’ a romantic encounter is to find themselves conjunct frickin’ Saturn!
To hell with love at first sight or Tinder’s random excitement overload — Saturn pops the question early, fixes a liaison makesya wanna flee, then pitches a schedule so suffocatin’ it squeezes alla the O outta fellatio.
Tellya, Mercury to Plooto, those other planets gotta need sum serious Saturn dating tips if’n they gonna survive!
Saturn Dating Tips! Ha! This Is Just An Analogy, Right?
I am bein’ fuckin’ serious here!
Yanno how it goes urself with the ol’ lonesum — when allya can do is be shufflin’ through cloudy days kickin’ a can along the gutter an’ feelin’ nothin’ but implosive sorrow?
While all aroundya people less ugly an’ talentless an’ givin’ than yourself bag Mr or Miss Utterly Divine & Spiritually Transformational (mebbe even Loaded)?
Imagine havin’ to endure that relentless fate as a barren rock spinnin’ in the void.
*quits typin’ to shed sum tears. ‘specially for Venus cos loneliness is especially cruel to her. *sniff* aw c’mon, quit bawlin’ … composeya self gal… *sniff* tellya, this is worse’n Disney…*
O, Sweet! Is there Anything I Can Do? I Hate To See People Suffer.
Gonna be OK.
But do ya see the problem now?
Mercury, Venus, Mars, Joopiter, Neptoon, Uranus an’ Plooto —all spinnin’ lonesum for amour, all desperate for love’s embrace, all primed to kiss one another soft…
YET ALL WARYA THE MONSTER IN THEIR MIDST!
The horror show ring-spinner gonna throw a downer on romance!
Anus-themed breath! Zits all over! Garbage sneakers! Talks shit! Piss stains! Grimy teeth! Weevils alive in ears, nose … dick an’ jyna!
To hell with the Saturn dating tips!
I hear his leaden footfalls echoin’ like collidin’ tombs from the lobby!
Jesus! Hold Tight — Gonna Ring 911
Yeah, an’ call in the fuckin’ military whileya are at it.
They know my apartment of old.
What’s Going On? Sounds Bad!
An’ he is desperate for a date!
Complete with throat-scrapin’ Frenchies!
OMG! Is This True?
Please Say This Ain’t Happening!
Evryone — get to the fire escape!
Elevator is on its way up now — and that can only mean one thing!
Which … Which Is … ?
OMC, Don’t Say It’s True!
Is It Really … Him?
The Scourge Of The Solar System? Crushing Despair Incarnate? The Arch-grinder Of Soul, Enterprise … and Hope?
Spurned By The Planets And Now Prowling The Globe Looking For Love Among Hapless Mortals Such As We?
Worst thing about it is I got an augury jus’ this mornin’ sayin’ he is feelin’ especially romantic reckless an’ HIGHLY LIKELY to charge in here wearin’ only a brown corduroy mankini!
Title Image c/o Skeeze @ Pixabay
Spread the love, slip in the bookmark, mix up the linky.