<span class="sdata" title="15"></span> <span class="sdata" title="05, 2017"></span>

Astrology Compatibility Apps Gonna Fuck On Your Brain!

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-17T07:40:14+00:00"></span> |Astrolodjinni, Mother Cosmosis, My Apartment, Relationships|0 Comments

ASTROLOGY COMPATIBILITY APPS GONNA FUCK ON YOUR BRAIN!

So, hey — Mother Cosmosis stopped by my place again at the weekend.

It is always a surprise to Moi (despite my uncannilly accurate astrologer’s  predicto prowess), but there was sumthin’ ‘bout the way her vapors coalesced into view atop my sofa that got me wondrin’ if’n I’d maxed out on MORTAL KLUTZYBOOBSIE.

* Like — was it wise to offer 1920s exercise advice to today’s Capricornian thrusters in their May horoscope?

* Or — was callin’ my recent Stars as Epitaphs blog post a ‘Handy Death Astrology Calculator’ merely hyperbole segued with hoobris?

* Or even — was it stoopid to confront the guy upstairs an’ demand he fucks quieter?

“What’s the gripe?” I said, as Mother C’s rapidly manifestin’ curves bundled my anxieties to one side.

“We have to discuss the Astrology Compatibility App Conundrum! En pointe astrology counsel delivered as a seer-free 99c Android or Apple add-on! Trust me, Princess — the Cosmos and its eternal synchronized dance routine is in danger! And our very existence as horoscope delivery experts is under threat!”

The Astrology Compatibility App Conundrum — A User’s Guide

Turns out the internets have not always existed.

This whacko truth kinda crept up on me while I was ODin’ on movies las’ month.

Recent films got plentya scenes packin’ alla the latest tech — phones, tabs, laptops — but not evry frickin’ scene got reference to the internets.

Superheroes smackin’ one another, lovers gettin’ flusho in the sack, hyperpixelified bunnies hoppin’ their way inta contemporary childhood’s future moral locker — they all got plentya on-screen moments packed fulla lazer-eyed snogsy CGI devoida internets references.

An’ yet, you kinda know alla that 21st Century webular superfunky is hummin’ away in the background, waitin’ to bust out.

Go back in time awhile, seems entire movies’re based on this internets-free pause.

Only it ain’t so.

It is actschly a total internets vacuum cos the internets ain’t there.

Cos ifya were Tom Hanks sneakin’ up on the Nazis in a Virgotastically orchestrated kinda WWII swoop, pants drenched with danger an’ excitement — surely you would selfie the shit outta the show?

“Huddle together, guys. Shame we ain’t got no U-boat looming in the background to make this nightmare panorama look extra dramatic.”

It’s A Fucker!

Tellya, I was a shamed in that instant.

Princessa insights I presoom myself to be, I kinda realised how lame I was.

Thing is, for eons stretchin’ back almost to the dawna time, astrology stuffs have been ladled from the ether by real live astrologer persons.

So … uhm … mebbe it is 1272 an’ you are in the YOOKAY.

I dunno, ridin’ a horse or sumthin’ stoopid.

An’ by the roadsideya spot a weird lookin’ tent.

Wind blows the sigil-mottled fabric open to reveal an even weirder lookin’ guy — an’ you are compelled to dismount an’ go investigate.

“Heya, weird guy,” you say.  “What is gowin’ down in your curious tent?”

Guy strokes his beard and throws you a look. “Actually, I’m a lady. But it is in the nature of the astrology business for its practitioners to sport the mantle of witches — so I slew a wild boar and stuck its wiry hide to my face.”

Astrology?  That a new drive-thru franchise?”

Resta the conversation is confidential, cos it’s at this point that all real live astrologer persons make with the secret astrology chant an’ kinda lure their prospects beyond idle curiosity to the Surefire Horoscope Secret Package retailin’ at JUST $whatevah (though, acourse, back in 1272 evrythin’ was in groats or sickly nephews).

Central problemya got with the Astrology Compatibility App Conundrum is how it factors the real live astrologer person the fuck outta the stargazy equation.

Guy on the horse got the app, he got no need to check out the sigil-mottled tent — or cough up the moolah gonna keep the real live astrologer person in frickin’ cat food.

Misses out on the $350 Suckywucky Bonus also…

How Can We Combat This Astrology Compatibility App Nightmare, O Princess?

All Of Us — Working Together As An Astro-defending Team, Kinda Like The Avengers?

So, yeah — Mother Cosmosis jus’ came out an’ said it.

“The more these wretched astrology compatibility apps proliferate, the fewer real live astrologers there will be. I fear the future may be one where convenience muscles out genuine prescience. It isn’t just retail and factory workers who should recoil in horror at the advance of robots and AI. It is you and I.”

She looked kinda shaken. I fixed her a cocktail an’ flopped down before her feet in my best Lotus, smilin’ like a real drippo. “An’ you want my advice from an internets perspective? That it?”

Her nod told me evrythin’. Ha! Too much frickin’ tequila.

“Thing is,” I said, pullin’ out sum stoopid scifi book I been readin’, “if history demonstrates anythin’ it is how flesh an’ blood people gonna prevail always. Ain’t that the deal with the whole Taurus vibe? Material substance movin’ mountains, kinda thing?”

Mother C looked pensive. “It’s true that hipsters have rediscovered vinyl along with potentially erotic facial texture, I suppose. And I’m heartened to see the return of printed books to the planet’s coffee shops and trains. Are you suggesting the lure of these evil apps is likely to be short-lived?”

“Two things,” I said, helpin’ her out with her drink. “First, you gotta wonder what happens if alla this don’t stop. Losers in this scifi book I read don’t figure no inner thoughts. Evrythin’ they perceive is voiced aloud, kinda the ultimate share.”

“And do they like this?”

“They do not. You should read it.”

Mother C catches the book. Time for a refill.

“Those poor suckers got no secrets,” I said, pullin’ out sum bigger glasses — an’ another bottle. “An’ when the science genius guy fitted their cranial whatevers with ThoughtShare, he figured alla the bad stuff we got would be flushed out an’ alla our finest virtues kinda grown an’ finessed. Only evryone jus’ regressed into a permanent statea STFU. Mankind spawned its own zombie apocalypse.”

Mother C eyed her worm. “What does this have to do with the astrology apps? Are you suggesting they will have a similarly destructive effect on peoplekind?”

“Opposite. I guess people’re havin’ fun right now mixin’ an’ matchin’ love, lust an’ blendyjuicy, starsign tango by starsign tango on sum stoopid app — but nuthin’ ever gonna beat sittin’ in a real live tent askin’ ‘bout sum real live potential fuckfest with sum real live sex bomb in the presecncea sum real live astrologer person — especially if said astrologer person is hot af an’ leavesya with enough cash inya pocket for a decent burger.”

“Do you still have your tent? If I remember correctly, just shortly after I anointed you in the Pool of Celestial Wisdom Unbound, you suggested you’d fly out to Egypt and sell it in exchange for what you coyly termed funtime leatherwear.”

That made me snigger sum!

“Turns out the smarter deal was hirin’ it out at weekends. I got kids’ parties, teen adventure sleepovers, live-in seniors’ secret biscuit eatin’ hideaways. Jus’ gotta warn people not to pull on … yanno …the sash opens up the spirit world & possibly summons Satan.”

Astrology Compatibility Apps — Your Killer Defense Strategy

Solution we came up with was the App 2 Braino Virus.

Here’s how it works…

You pull outya tab.

You check in on CyberScoper.

Robot astrology algorithms match your starsign with nearby hot singles.

Evil death rays leap the fuck outta your tab an’ infectya brain with a killer frickin’ virus.

AN’ THEN YOU DIE!

You guys cool to spread this benevolent fake nooz around sum?

To allaya friends, besties, fam, pets — whatever?

Cos I figure by doin’ so, you gonna be savin’ astrology, savin’ the planet, an’ savin’ lives — startin’ with li’l ol Moi.

Here’s sum linesya can mebbe use next time anyone whips out their tab for a consultation with the Evil Augury Squad…

* Hey, sis — did you know that using an astrology compatibility app can fuck up your brain worse than spice?

* Your thoughts are so beautiful I love hanging them on my ear, but if you keep on fixing dates with that stoopid astrology compatibility app, ima need a bucket to catch your liquified skull contents. Do I gotta repeat that, cosya look real BLANK?

* Yeah yeah — stoopid frickin’ app gonna roastya brain an’ prolly frazzleya tinglydanglies off.

Gotta figure you are sufficiently inventive to think up sum examplesa your own — less’n the processa cerebral decay already got started.

This is how all resistance begins, tellya.

Fake nooz, steady drip, brain by brain.

App 2 Braino Virus.

App 2 Braino Virus.

App 2 Braino Virus…

Title Image c/o FirmBee @Pixabay

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<span class="sdata" title="13"></span> <span class="sdata" title="03, 2017"></span>

Astrologist Or Astrologer?

By | <span class="sdata2" title="2018-06-07T13:42:38+00:00"></span> |Astrolodjinni, Choice, Cosmic Roolz, Mother Cosmosis|0 Comments

ASTROLOGIST OR ASTROLOGER?

So — is it astrologist or astrologer?

Forget “to be, or not to be?” — this is the question.

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings an’ arrowsa outrageous fortune tellin’ (an’ stick with the standard ‘astrologer’), or take arms against a seea syllables an’ by supposin’ bend ‘em.

Way I see it, switch out -er for -ist an’ whaddya got?

When astrologer becomes astrologist, mebbe you are lookin’ at sumthin’ kinda escapologist — which is waaaaay more romantic an’ in keepin’ with the speculative naturea astrology.

Ha!

I figure prolly the reason you don’t see too many astrologists is cos they all fucked off an’ escaped sumplace else.

Thing is, alla this got me thinkin’ what in hell else we could be called — we talented seers who scry forth into the etherest Void in searcha the Pre-tangible with no more claim on what trooly lies beyond than mebbe a fiction writer, marketer or politician.

Gotta figure the super delisho English language affords loadsa possibilities for reinventin’ astrology.

Enough, mebbe for eacha the Zodiac signsta lay claimta its own cornera the astrological lexicon.

So what say we re-suffix the astrology profession between us?

Starsign by starsign?

Ooh ooh — gonna be such fun!

ARIES

Aw, c’mon — trailblazin’ solotiste Aries gotta be an astrologeur, as in entreprenoor.

An’ while astrologarian prolly suits the more intellectyool Virgo types, Aries gotta bag the -arian option straight out or nonea this speculation makes any frickin’ sense.

For sure, I would want any adventurizin’ astrolojeepster to make like a disruptifyin’ astrolojacker with alla the bravadoa sum trooly heroic an’ inspirin’ astrologiant.

Freshly squeezed an’ oozin’ zest, Aries gotta be the ultimate astrolojuicer.

Not for them any kinda idle intellectual debate along the linesa astrologist or astrologer?

TAURUS

Ha! I am tempted to suggest astrologor here, like matador, but I figure that is the wrong bull-centric image.

I would wanna speculate that Taurean astrology gonna deliverya sum real tangible results. That would demand a genuinely bully an’ tenacious astrologard.

Or mebbe an astrologeer, if there were super elaborate natal charts to fix up an’ shit.

Whatever, Taurus would be forever loyal an’ faithful an’ devoted to the cause — a real astrologite.

Lay on cakes in the Taurean Horoscopery, an’ you mebbe got an astrologuzzler gonna eat fortune tellin’ alive.

GEMINI

Gotta figure Gemini gonna glitz out on the sorcery an’ pizzazz inherent in gazin’ up at the stars in wonder. Evry predictive flasha sparkly dust demands prestidigio fingers an’ a nimble braino. So let’s hear it for … the astrologencer.

Or mebbe the astrolojazzler.

For sure, there gonna be sum real inventive monkeyin’ around — but what else gonna happen when the precocious an’ playful Twinnies got their hands on alla the synastry cos they donned the apparela the ultimate astrolojinxer?

An’ that duality ticket could mebbe mean questionsa astrologist or astrologer? prompt the answer actchsly, I am both at the same frickin’ time.

Jus’ gotta watch those predictions don’t come reelin’ offa the tongue so smart an’ fast the resta us get left behind in the sliippertystreama no astrologibberishspieler!

CANCER

We all know how devoted Cancerians can be — to fam, to friends, to sum just cause — so I figure alla the crab people gotta have the optiona bein’ an astrologee.

Or mebbe they would jus’ selflessly embody the spirita astrology steada layin’ claim to alla the fancy personalized paraphernalia like pointy hats, capes an’ matchin’ gauntlets (which acourse, I got) — kinda like an astrologen or astrologern.

Any true Cancerian gonna take their home right out to the stars — sum’ flyin’ galleon gonna sail out between the planets packin’ a store room fulla homemade goodies. Gotta loveya astrolojammer I guess.

I also got astrologiatricist in my original scribbles for this post — only I clean I forgot what I was thinkin’ an’ where I intended to put it. Gotta hope Cancer will take that one under her wing till sumone figures shit out…

LEO

Ok, so we gotta pay homage to the Leo phenomenon, as rendered in flesh ‘pon this mortal plane as an astrologity.

With majesty an’ pomp shall thy astrology be delivered — an’ for that you gonna need an astrologent.

For sure, Leo would be a real up-front astrologophile, an’ on particularly theatrical days, risin’ to the occasion gonna bring out their inner astrologlamerer.

Jus’ gotta watch for bein’ too far up their own assholes, I guess. Nowan needs an astrolojactater.

VIRGO

I figure gal Virgos gonna have no problem distinguishin’ themselves from their male astrologer counterparts, hence astrologess.

An’ bein’ such braino clever experts, they gonna conduct ‘emselves witht the informed geniusa sum true astrologian — perfectly able to distinguish between all shadesa celestial knowhow (includin’ astrologist or astrologer?)

Evry horoscope gonna be crisp an’ clear, right downta detailin’ aspects between minor planetary moons like Umbriel an’ Mimas. Gotta love an astrologeneticist.

An’ would Virgo be an archetypal weirdsy ol’ spinster type — or even worse, sum bent old crazy guy packin’ the drool? Gotta figure on a youthful body in real fine condition workin’ out regular beneath the virgin’s astonishin’ braino. Kinda astrologymnast.

LIBRA

For Libra, kissin’ on the florally exotic perimetera life’s grandest expectations gotta trooly suit an astrologette or astrologante.

An’ who elseya gonna trust for a balanced readin’ but an astrolojuggler?

Plus also, even the most calamitous an’ strife-generatin’ aspects inya natal chart gonna be rendered beautiful, harmonious, peaceful — mebbe even fun — by an astrologonymph, astrolojollifier or astrolojester.

But watch out! As evry astrolojourno knows, Libra got Cardinal supremacy ridin’ out alongside alla the flowery loon pants.

When it comesta settlin’ any deal — even astrologist or astrologer? — final word goes to the astrolojudge an’ astrolojusticiar, K?

SCORPIO

Scorp got a reputation for fixin’ up the down deep an’ dirty biz, so what about astrologizer?

Plus also, Scorps are real scary an’ obsessed with death. Voila astrologhast.

Thing is, I figure when it comesta fixin’ up alla the aspects, midheavens an’ favo gemstones, Scorpio gonna dish the deal real straight, no punches pulled nor illusions dispensed. You got any sense, you wanna make a beeline for the astrolojugularax.

Main deal is, Scorp gonna go the whole distance withya, even whenya life is squared an’ retrograded out. For the long haul, you gotta have a reliable astrolojogger by your side, tellya.

SAGITTARIUS

I figure Sajjo would make a fine travelin’ astrologer — kinda like them pooch or kitty parlors turn up atchya home an’ pamper onya fluffy. So: astrolojaunter.

From a philosophical perspective, astrology differs from astronomy an’ gastronomy in so many profound ways, an’ to navigate the difference, you gonna need an astrologosophicist.

Whatever the deal, Sajjo is natchrly enthoosiastic an’ optimistic, so any predictions concernin’ the celestial vapors gonna be c/o a real energized astrologophyte or astrolojovian.

Jus’ gotta watch for the loose tongue an’ alla the unabashed coarseness an’ filth. So getchya ear muffs an’ blindfolds on ifya go see the astrolojyna or astrolojizmsquirter or astrolojaculater.

Real fulla shit Sajjo seers’re jus’ astrolojunkers.

CAPRICORN

Gotta figure Capricorn gonna run a whole hierarchya astro persons, bottoma the tree bein’ mebbe an astrologant.

Hop upta astrologer (cos Cappy gotta nail the super regular, super conservative option), an’ evryone else belowya becomes an astrologoling.

Rise high enough in the ranks, an’ you get to be the one true top dog astrologocrat — an astrolojuggernaut among astrolojokers.

UNLESS, in true grouchy skeptic fashion, Capricorn says “fuck alla that star-gazin’ schwango — I am a confirmed astrologophobiac.”

Astrologist or astrologer?

WHO FUCKIN’ CARES???

AQUARIUS

Aquarius, detached an’ pseudo-alien as ever, gonna hitchya with the astrologoid.

Or mebbe the astrologon.

For sure, all fully Uranoid manifestrationsa the water bearer gonna swing out all astrologopian.

At their most monstrously provocative, evry Aquarian is an outrageous astrolojabberwocky.

At their most egalitarian, humane an’ reflective, they spin a real neat astrolojain.

PISCES

Uh oh, here comes Pisces! Head in the clouds, nose in the bottle, nuthin’ else in anyplace tangible — wobblin’ around all dizzy from twinklea the pretty stars like sum astrologoholic.

Or are alla those seemingly drunken dreams the stuffa inspired wisdom? The worka sum astrolodjinni?

Thing is, there is sumthin’ disturbingly Einsteinian about the way Pisces’ mixes up inspiration an’ nonsense — a real sense that you got sum genius prescience drillin’ down on all things pan-cosmological that is so blindingly obvious asta be totally opaque — but how in hellya gonna describe that? It is all so … so … astrologish.

Ultimately, Pisces winds up the whole astrological show, fulla dreamsy passion so pure it almost lacks direction.

Gotta say, all things considered, right now I would want my horoscope prediction stuffs outta the handsa sum astrologist or astrologer.

Gimme an astrolojunkie any day.

So, Hey — Gotta Hope This Dinky Astrosummary Nails The Astrologist or Astrologer? Conundrum Real Good

It won’t, acourse.

Tellya, there has gotta be frickin’ hundreds more real neat options out there.

You seen any I missed?

Drop ‘em in the trail an’ let’s have sum FUN!

Title Image c/o Felix Plakolb @Unsplash

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